On this episode of the Jeff Fenster Show, we have Lessons Learned where we review our interview with Tim Grover where he shares his insights on building successful relationships, discovering the mindset of a champion, and creating balance in life.
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00:00 Hey everyone, Jeff here, and as a thank you for listening to my show, I'd love to offer
00:05 you a gift completely free.
00:06 I have a full PDF with tactics and insights for how I built amazing relationships that
00:12 have skyrocketed my personal success.
00:15 If this sounds like something you're looking for, all you have to do is click the link
00:18 in the show notes below.
00:20 Now on to the show.
00:21 Hey guys, welcome back to the Jeff Fenster Show.
00:24 Today's segment, Lessons Learned.
00:26 We're going to cover the top eight takeaways from Tim Grover on discovering the mindset
00:31 of a champion.
00:33 Number one, don't find balance, create it.
00:36 How do you address that balance issue in life?
00:38 This is very easy for the audience.
00:40 I'll tell you right now, there's hundreds of books out there on balance.
00:45 And everybody tells you, you have to find balance, you have to find balance, you have
00:49 to find balance.
00:50 First of all, you don't find balance, you create it.
00:54 And it's different for each individual out there.
00:57 The easiest way to describe it, there is no balance.
01:01 There isn't.
01:02 There isn't.
01:03 It's true.
01:04 There is none because if I'm going to be great as a father, I'm going to have to sacrifice
01:08 something at work.
01:09 Yes.
01:10 If I'm going to be great as a CEO or founder, I'm going to sacrifice something at home.
01:13 But as a human, when you're coaching your clients and you're working with people, how
01:17 do you address that issue?
01:18 Because there's a pull at home and there's a pull at work.
01:21 Right.
01:22 And you're always leaving one side of the teeter totter.
01:24 And that's the key right there, what you just said.
01:26 All right.
01:27 So what's going to happen is people want the scales perfectly balanced.
01:30 It's not going to happen.
01:32 All right.
01:33 Now what happens is when you try to find balance, somebody else is controlling how those scales
01:38 teeter.
01:40 When you create it, you control it.
01:43 Sure.
01:44 And that's the big difference between giving yourself permission to be who you are.
01:50 So when you create balance, you create it for yourself.
01:54 You understand how the scales are going to be balanced, when they're going to tip one
01:59 way and when they're going to tip the other way.
02:02 You get to control.
02:03 You never want them all the way up and all the way down.
02:06 All right.
02:08 Majority of the time.
02:10 Sometimes it's going to be that way and you have to be okay.
02:14 You have to be better than okay with that.
02:16 Number two, there is no switch.
02:19 For example, I'm with my daughter at her horse show, but I'm neck deep in a business project
02:25 and I'm trying to be present, but my brain wants to be on what I'm really working on.
02:32 How would you coach me to turn that off and stay focused and present at that horse show
02:37 and with my daughter?
02:38 All right.
02:39 So here's the thing.
02:40 And another analogy that's going to really hurt that I hate out there, and I am not a
02:46 big cliche person.
02:48 I fricking hate cliches.
02:50 I don't use them.
02:51 I don't believe in them.
02:53 I don't believe in motivation either.
02:56 All right.
02:57 I believe in elevation.
02:58 I don't believe in motivation.
02:59 Motivation is so entry level.
03:03 But what you talk about here is everyone talks about a switch.
03:08 Everybody talks about the switch.
03:10 And you hear this in sports all the time.
03:12 Oh man, he or she has the ability or they have the ability to turn on the switch.
03:16 There is no switch.
03:19 There is no switch.
03:20 Comparative individuals like yourself, like me, like the top individuals you know, if
03:29 you took this building, how many square feet do you have in this total complex and all
03:34 the things?
03:35 A hundred thousand?
03:36 A hundred thousand.
03:37 If you powered everything off, like you just killed everything, the amount of energy it
03:42 would take for everything to come back on, a lot.
03:48 A lot.
03:49 All right.
03:50 And you got people working here at all different hours and so forth.
03:57 It's a dimmer.
04:00 There is no switch.
04:01 It's a dimmer.
04:02 All right.
04:03 And you get to control where that light shines on and where it gets dimmed on.
04:14 The issue that you have and everybody has it, all right, even the dimmer at its lowest
04:20 point, it's still shining, it's still generating a little bit of energy.
04:28 It's still generating a little bit of power.
04:31 All right.
04:33 So to answer your question, are you going to be able to turn it all the way off?
04:39 Absolutely not.
04:40 You're not.
04:42 Because individuals like yourself, individuals like me, we have to be wound up.
04:49 But we're so uncomfortable being unwound.
04:52 And you know how many people, when people talk about balance, they talk about the same
04:55 thing.
04:56 Man, you need to unwind a little bit.
04:57 You need to relax.
04:58 It's like the worst thing you could tell us.
05:00 It's like, I am relaxed.
05:03 I just relax in a different way than you relax.
05:06 The chaos is relaxing.
05:08 Yeah.
05:09 All right.
05:10 So are you going to be 100% in that moment the whole time?
05:19 No.
05:21 But you can work on the scale.
05:23 Say, you know what?
05:24 I was there 80% time.
05:25 Now I'm going to go to 82.
05:26 Now I'm going to go to 90.
05:28 And there will be times where you'll be just like, I'm here.
05:33 I'm here.
05:35 It's a constant.
05:36 That's something that's constantly evolving.
05:38 That's something that constantly-- and we beat ourselves about it all the time.
05:42 So we were like, OK, well, I wasn't all the way there because I was thinking about this
05:50 thing and I was thinking about that thing.
05:53 All right?
05:55 That's who you are.
05:59 That's who you are.
06:00 So people try to change.
06:01 When we talk about give you permission to be you, all right, you're a unique individual.
06:08 Every individual out there who's a you is a unique individual.
06:14 Just because somebody else can sit at an event or sit at a concert or sit at something and
06:21 be-- not think about anything else, that's not you.
06:29 Number three, celebrate hard, don't celebrate long.
06:33 There's individuals out there that celebrate long.
06:39 I have this thing.
06:42 Celebrate hard, don't celebrate long.
06:44 Otherwise, you will not be able to celebrate again.
06:48 You will not be able to celebrate again.
06:50 All right?
06:51 There's a thing about achieving something and the drive to what's next.
06:58 What's next?
06:59 In the book Winning, we talk about-- everyone says it's a marathon, not a sprint.
07:05 No, let me tell you this.
07:08 Another cliche.
07:11 If you had infinite time in your life, then it's a marathon.
07:19 Newsflash for everybody out there, folks.
07:22 We ain't around here forever.
07:25 We ain't.
07:26 And if you know how to change that, you're his next guest.
07:32 And I will be here to listen to that.
07:37 So what it is, it's many sprints inside a marathon of life where the winning line, finish
07:50 line is constantly changing.
07:53 It's constantly moving.
07:54 It's constantly evolving.
07:58 So every marathon runner that goes out there, when they go out and run the next marathon,
08:06 what do they try to do?
08:07 They try to beat their time.
08:09 For sure.
08:10 They're not like, I'm not worried about the competition.
08:13 This was my time.
08:14 I want to beat it.
08:15 I want to beat it.
08:18 I need to do it better.
08:19 I need to do it better.
08:20 I need to do it better.
08:22 Because at some point, from a physicality standpoint, we're not going to be able to
08:26 do it.
08:27 So it's a sprint within that marathon to continue to evolve, continue to get better, to continue
08:34 to evolve.
08:35 There should be joy in everything you do.
08:37 There should be, listen, when you win, there's that moment of joy.
08:41 There is that moment of joy.
08:45 But again, for some individuals, that moment may last a lifetime.
08:50 And other individuals, that moment may last 30 seconds.
08:57 You showed me a picture earlier of you and Kobe.
09:01 I use this analogy.
09:03 Kobe played 20 years in the NBA.
09:07 20.
09:10 He was champion five times.
09:15 So 15 years he lost.
09:20 I don't know how many, I don't have a calculator out there, but if you were to take 20 years
09:27 and give me the amount of days 20 years is, he was able to call himself a champion for
09:35 five days.
09:40 For five days.
09:41 Yeah.
09:42 Out of 20 years, he was a champion.
09:45 Because the moment they won, the next year Vegas had somebody else winning.
09:50 And that moment was like, I got to get back to work.
09:53 Hey everyone.
09:55 Just wanted to take a second to say how incredibly grateful we are for all of our listeners.
09:59 And I want to hear from you.
10:01 Your feedback is greatly appreciated and it will only help us make this show better for
10:06 you.
10:07 So any questions you have, click the link in the show notes below and let us know.
10:10 Now back to the episode.
10:13 Number four, identity and style.
10:16 The challenge for a lot of us is when you put a team together, your standard and your
10:22 level of what you expect the team to deliver is different than the masses.
10:27 Always going to be.
10:28 It always is.
10:29 And the ability to raise them up and not lower your standards to meet their level of completion.
10:35 I have a thing in my house.
10:36 We're not done when you can check the box.
10:38 We're done when you can't possibly do it any better.
10:40 Right.
10:41 Doesn't always work.
10:42 My kids don't always listen, but that's what I'm pushing them.
10:44 It's harder with adults.
10:46 I'm not their parent.
10:47 I don't get to tell them what to do.
10:49 I get to drive them, set a vision and go.
10:52 How do you coach your current business clients when they're dealing with that in their team
10:56 environment?
10:57 Because as an individual contributor, like Kobe Bryant or Michael Jordan, he has a much
11:01 bigger way to impact the outcome than in a big organization where you need all your departments
11:06 setting remarkable as your standard.
11:09 How do you coach?
11:11 So I have this big thing with identity and style.
11:17 I allow, I tell business leaders, I said, "Let every," and this is really important
11:25 in today's society.
11:27 You have to let each individual have their own style.
11:33 You look at all the teams.
11:34 Shaq did his thing his way.
11:35 Kobe did it his way.
11:36 Wade did it his way.
11:37 LeBron did it his way.
11:38 MJ did it his way.
11:40 Dennis definitely did it a different way.
11:44 But can you form one mental identity?
11:50 Can you form one?
11:51 And is that identity going to be at the same level for each individual?
11:56 No, it's just not.
11:58 And as a leader, it will literally drive you crazy where you kind of say, "Man, I just,
12:08 why can't they get this?
12:09 Why won't they do this little extra?"
12:11 You look at, when you talked earlier about relentless, where it says it gave you permission
12:16 to be you.
12:17 You as a leader have to give permission to those individuals to be themselves.
12:28 And you as being on top, how much of themselves can you tolerate and how much of themselves
12:40 is invaluable to the team?
12:44 No, if you expect everybody to be who you are and identify exactly, exactly the same
12:53 personality traits, the same everything you have.
12:56 In relentless, we talk about the coolers, the closers, and the cleaners.
13:00 You can't have a full staff of cleaners.
13:04 You just can't.
13:05 You can't have a full staff of closers.
13:06 You can't have a full staff of coolers.
13:12 You as a leader, what you have to do is you take the model, all right?
13:20 You take your business plan.
13:24 You look at it.
13:28 And if it's on your laptop, if it's on a board, it's on a piece of paper, break it into pieces.
13:36 Just break it into pieces, all right?
13:41 And have your key individuals, because everybody, everything starts with broken.
13:48 Everything starts with broken.
13:50 There's not an individual in here that if you haven't had trauma and you haven't been
13:55 broken at some point in your life where there's been an incident, you're never going to discover
14:03 who you are.
14:04 So now you let those individuals come in and let them pick up the pieces that are necessary
14:13 for them and leave the other pieces on the ground.
14:20 Because what happens is everybody, you break something.
14:23 We've all broken something as a child and the parents say, "Pick it up."
14:29 Or you break something and they're not around and you try to pick it up and you try to piece
14:32 it together again and you're like, "No one's going to, no one's going to."
14:35 It's never going to look the same.
14:38 It's never going to look the same.
14:40 And what we want as leaders is we want everybody to look the same.
14:46 Instead of allowing the individuals to magnify their pieces that are unique to them, their
14:53 experiences, their knowledge, understanding that, having them understand that the times
15:03 in their life where they were broken and they got a chance to pick up the pieces the way
15:08 they wanted to pick it up is allowing them to be you.
15:13 And you get to a point, some point in life where I'm at, I've been broken so many times
15:20 you can't break me anymore.
15:21 You literally can't break me anymore.
15:23 You can't.
15:24 It's a good place to be.
15:27 The perfect place to be.
15:29 But it took years and years of being broken, all right, and understanding, "You know what?
15:36 I need this piece.
15:37 I don't need this piece."
15:39 And when people, it's funny when they get, when they try to put the pieces back together
15:44 again they're trying, "I want to be whole."
15:48 You know what?
15:49 No, you don't want to be whole.
15:50 There's going to be some pieces that don't fit.
15:54 That's when an individual who's selfish for you, that's when a significant other comes
15:58 in and they fit those pieces.
16:01 They're adding those pieces to you to make you complete, to make you whole.
16:05 That's leadership.
16:07 That's leadership.
16:08 But you don't lower your standards.
16:10 Never lower your standards.
16:11 Never ever lower your standards, all right?
16:14 I say, "We're never going to come, I'm never going to come down."
16:19 All right, you have to come to my level or as close to that level as you can, all right?
16:27 And it's because I'm going to keep moving.
16:28 I'm going to keep moving.
16:30 You know, MJ in the last dance, winning has a price, leadership has a price, all right?
16:40 Your price may be completely different than anybody else's, but I'm not lowering my standards.
16:46 Number five, raising the bar.
16:49 People come in and say, "When you first got in the business, before you even got into
16:56 this business, everyone was telling you, 'Raise the bar, raise the bar, raise the bar.'"
17:08 You know where the best place is to be?
17:12 When there is no bar.
17:14 Because when there is no bar, there are no limitations.
17:16 Because every time you have a bar, you're like, "There's a limitation, there's a limitation,
17:21 there's a limitation."
17:22 It's like the four minute mile.
17:24 Throw the bar out.
17:27 There is no bar.
17:29 Set unrealistic expectations and expect to achieve them.
17:36 Unrealistic expectations and expect to achieve them.
17:41 And then now, you want to see if your team is all in?
17:44 All right?
17:45 They only have to say a word.
17:48 When they look at the numbers, when you tell them, you can just look at them and be like,
17:53 "Yes, yes, no, maybe, yes, yes, yes."
17:56 You could just, people that come in and just say, "You know what?"
17:59 You have like, "This is crazy, there's not."
18:03 You already know it now.
18:06 Now you know if that person is better suited for a cleaner position or they're better suited
18:10 for a closer position or they're better suited for a cooler position or they're not suited
18:17 for a position at all.
18:19 Number six, the price of success.
18:22 I'm a very unique acquired taste.
18:25 Well, that's what winning is though.
18:28 That's what it is.
18:29 That's what winning is.
18:31 That's it.
18:32 It's everyone, they think it's everybody, everybody wants to win, but the pressure and
18:46 the mental health that comes with winning, very few understand that.
18:55 They don't understand the cost.
18:57 Yeah, they don't.
18:58 Right.
18:59 And the cost is your mentality.
19:00 Yeah.
19:01 The cost is your time.
19:03 The cost is your feelings.
19:05 The cost, it's, you can't explain it.
19:09 You try to tell people that you're not in the, I was at one of my daughter's recitals
19:17 or whatever it was, I did everything I could to be focused.
19:24 I just, I wasn't there.
19:29 I wasn't there, but those are the things, that's the cost of winning.
19:35 That is.
19:36 And people don't want to talk about it because they're like, they did the same thing, but
19:39 now they're like, they don't want you to do the same thing because they're like, wait
19:43 a minute, because they don't want to give you the ingredients.
19:45 They don't want to give you the formulas or it makes them look bad.
19:54 Winning will cost you everything, but will reward you with so much more.
19:58 It's going to cost you everything in that moment, in those moments over and over, but
20:05 it's going to reward you with so much more.
20:08 People want the rewards first.
20:15 You don't get the rewards first.
20:18 You don't get the rewards first.
20:21 You get the regrets and the regrets stay with you longer than the wins will.
20:30 Number seven, the road to paradise starts in hell.
20:34 So you talk about in Relentless and you talked about Kobe Bryant and his ability to have
20:39 an alter ego and go to a dark place.
20:42 I don't want to talk about Kobe Bryant because actually what I've never heard from you is
20:46 your dark place that you have to go to, to coach these high performance, highly successful
20:51 individuals because for them to respect you, you have to have that same.
20:55 I never leave it.
20:57 You're there a hundred percent of the time.
20:58 I leave there.
20:59 I visit.
21:00 I'm out there a hundred percent of the time.
21:04 The road to paradise starts in hell.
21:12 You have to take that bus ride, that walk, that crawl, that flight, whatever it may be,
21:26 back to hell consistently.
21:30 Because here's the thing, if hell comes visits you and it visits a lot of people, it's not
21:44 going to leave.
21:47 It's you, and your hell is what you're willing not to acknowledge.
21:53 You're not willing to acknowledge who you are, what your darkness is, what fuels you.
22:00 The reason I take that trip on a daily basis is because each time I take that trip, I don't
22:16 have to stay there as long.
22:17 I don't have to stay there as long.
22:21 I know what I have to deal with.
22:22 I know what I have to talk to.
22:23 I know the skeletons I have to deal with.
22:27 I know the ghosts that I have to deal with.
22:29 I know the spirits I have to deal with, and I get to leave.
22:32 But I take that trip often, very, very, very, very often.
22:39 Your new beginnings, every single new beginning that you've done, and you've done a lot of
22:45 them, have started in your darkest moments, in your darkest moments.
22:54 I've used this adage many times with individuals now.
23:01 When does a new day start?
23:05 Starts at midnight.
23:06 All right?
23:07 Is it light or dark at midnight?
23:10 It's dark.
23:11 It's dark.
23:12 So, if a new day starts at dark, where do you think your new beginnings start?
23:21 In the dark.
23:22 In the dark.
23:23 In the dark.
23:24 Well, when you're in that room by yourself, when you're in silence, and you could be in
23:33 a concert with 60,000 people screaming, all right?
23:42 And your mind goes to that dark place, and that's where your breakout moment comes in
23:45 right there.
23:50 All of a sudden, it just happens.
23:55 All right?
24:00 Majority of the people, as long as you don't have any physical ailments with your eyes,
24:08 everyone can almost see in the light.
24:11 Everybody can see in the light.
24:14 All right?
24:18 But in the dark, you can't see.
24:22 You got to feel, and you got to trust.
24:27 So when you have to feel and trust, what's the two things?
24:30 All right?
24:32 Trust is from your mind.
24:33 So you got to trust what's up going on in here.
24:39 Feeling is in your heart.
24:41 Number eight, motivation versus elevation.
24:44 It's not the sweet taste of winning, it's you finally get the bitter taste of defeat
24:50 out of your mouth.
24:51 All right?
24:52 Better said.
24:53 So it's not the, you know, everybody say, "Man, the sweet smell, the sweet taste of
24:58 winning."
24:59 No, it's that nasty smell.
25:00 It's that nasty taste that all the sacrifice, everything that you've done, all the time,
25:06 all the focus, all the things away, that the bitterness, that just like, "Man, this stuff
25:10 is just terrible.
25:13 It's terrible."
25:14 There's a difference between that motivation pot where everything tastes good and it makes
25:18 you feel good and it's that sugar high, and then over here is that elevation pot where
25:23 everything is just, "Man, this stuff just tastes absolutely terrible."
25:28 But you know what?
25:30 You keep eating it because you see what it fuels you.
25:33 It's that fuel.
25:34 There's the motivation pot, you eat for taste.
25:37 The elevation pot, you eat for fuel.
25:43 And then when you eat, then you finally like, "You know what?
25:46 I finally got that bitter taste out of my mouth."
25:49 And then you go through hell every single time not to have that taste back in your mouth
25:55 again.
25:56 And the minute you start doing it, the minute you start to feel that taste again, this goes
26:03 back to our first conversation about balance.
26:05 The scales go just like this.
26:06 I got to throw, nothing else matters right now.
26:09 I got to get this taste out of my mouth.
26:11 I have to get this taste out of my mouth.
26:13 Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Lessons Learned on the Jeff Enster Show,
26:18 and a special thank you to our guest, Tim Grover.
26:21 Can't wait to see you guys on the next episode.
26:23 Hey, everyone.
26:24 First, I want to thank all of you for tuning in.
26:26 And if you guys haven't heard about my new book, Relationship Bank Account, click the
26:29 link in the show notes or search the title on Amazon.
26:32 This book is packed with all my secrets to success in both relationships and life.
26:38 Be sure to pick up a copy, and if the book helps you on your journey, let us know by
26:41 leaving a review.
26:43 I appreciate all of you, and can't wait to see you on the next one.
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