How Your Unhealed Trauma Affects Your Relationships
Trauma can manifest as an emotional wound, damaging your sense of self in an equally painful way. Unresolved emotional trauma causes you to perceive yourself as broken and unlovable, and you unknowingly carry this belief into your relationships. With that said, let’s take a look at how your unhealed.
“They say that love is blind, but it’s trauma that’s blind. Love sees what is.” - [Neil Strauss]
“They say that love is blind, but it’s trauma that’s blind. Love sees what is.” - [Neil Strauss]
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00:00 "They say that love is blind, but it's trauma that's blind.
00:05 Love sees what is."
00:07 - Neil Strauss
00:09 When someone gets involved in a motor vehicle accident and sustains a severe bodily injury,
00:15 the physicians would describe it as a trauma case.
00:18 However, trauma can also manifest as an emotional wound, damaging your sense of self in an equally
00:25 painful way.
00:27 Unresolved emotional trauma causes you to perceive yourself as broken and unlovable,
00:32 and you unknowingly carry this belief into your relationships.
00:37 So with that said, let's take a look at how your unhealed trauma affects your relationships.
00:42 When you are in a relationship, have you ever noticed that three different parts of you
00:48 may be in charge?
00:50 A licensed mental health counselor, Greg Douglas, says that you may be a wounded child, an adaptive
00:56 child, or a functional adult at any given time in your life.
01:00 Let's talk about the wounded child.
01:03 When you were young, were you ever abused physically, psychologically, or sexually?
01:10 Were you deprived of love, support, nurturing, or consistent attention from your caregivers?
01:16 Let's say your partner makes a condescending remark to you, almost resembling what your
01:21 mother always did.
01:23 You are immediately flooded with feelings of sadness, deep pain, and shame, and your
01:28 response is to accept what has been done to you without even trying to stand up for yourself.
01:34 In this case, when you receive treatment from someone who reminds you of any previous wounding
01:39 experiences, you will likely behave in the same way you did then.
01:45 Next is the adaptive child.
01:47 Have you ever been involved in a serious dispute with your caregiver when you were young?
01:51 You might have been arguing with your father, and he shouts at you, and you respond by becoming
01:55 defensive and shouting back.
01:58 Through these experiences, you eventually learn that being loud and angry is the only
02:02 way to gain respect and be heard.
02:04 Thus, when you encounter a similar situation in your relationship, you will also respond
02:09 in the same way, harsh and rough.
02:13 You can think of an adaptive child as a younger version of yourself who has to figure out
02:17 how to cope with not meeting your needs.
02:20 To adapt to the treatment you have received, you use what ideas and resources you have
02:24 at hand.
02:25 And then there's the functional adult.
02:28 As a functional adult, you respond in a manner that resolves the disconnection within the
02:32 relationship.
02:33 This is the mature and thoughtful part of you that has left behind the patterns of the
02:38 adaptive and wounded child and done the work of healing.
02:42 You've developed an accepting and nonjudgmental viewpoint that strengthens your relationship
02:47 in the face of hardships.
02:49 So which part of you is running your relationship?
02:52 Let us know in the comments below.
02:54 While you're at it, hit the like button and subscribe to Psych2Go for more content.
02:58 It means a lot.
03:00 Okay, let's talk about how unhealed traumas create negative patterns in relationships.
03:06 Number one, difficulty trusting others.
03:09 Have you found it difficult to trust other people?
03:12 Sometimes you have limiting thoughts such as, "If I open up, I'll only get hurt again,"
03:17 or "I can never let my guard down."
03:20 Unhealed trauma causes you to put up social barriers to prevent your trust from being
03:24 lost again.
03:25 A study by Shaikh and Stolberg found that children from divorced and abusive homes are
03:30 more likely to struggle with trust in their future relationships.
03:34 Number two, the need for perfection.
03:37 Do you find yourself procrastinating, waiting for the perfect time to complete a project?
03:42 Perhaps you strongly believe that the things you do should be perfect, causing you to take
03:46 hours to complete a task.
03:48 If you can relate to this, it is highly likely that your perfectionistic trait originated
03:53 from psychological wounds from your childhood.
03:56 If your parents withheld their love, you may have felt that you needed to prove your worth.
04:02 Perfectionism poses as a severe threat to intimacies, especially marriage.
04:07 The truth is, there can never be a partner who can perfectly fulfill the highly unrealistic
04:13 expectations of a perfectionist.
04:16 Number three, trouble communicating or expressing needs.
04:20 Have you ever found yourself becoming hyper aware of your surroundings?
04:24 It's a common occurrence for you to lose focus and dissociate from the present.
04:29 Trauma survivors may have trouble absorbing information due to dissociation and low levels
04:35 of concentration.
04:37 Their ability to express themselves and understand what is being said to them may be limited
04:41 sometimes.
04:43 Number four, difficulty setting clear boundaries.
04:47 If others ask too much of you, do you find it hard to say no?
04:51 According to a licensed clinical professional counselor, Morgan Concepcion, the aftermath
04:56 of trauma may lead to you believing that others are more important than yourself.
05:01 It's your belief that you must make other people happy and not cause trouble.
05:06 Your traumatic experiences have taught you to put others' needs before your own in
05:10 order to feel safe and protected.
05:13 And number five, no desire to connect or bond with others.
05:18 Have you lost interest in interacting with anyone?
05:21 Were you once a social butterfly?
05:24 But after a traumatic incident, you just don't have the energy to talk to anyone anymore.
05:29 According to a board certified psychiatrist, Dr. Marcia Sirota, when you have unresolved
05:34 trauma, it may cause you to hold onto beliefs that you are not lovable or entitled to have
05:41 a loving relationship.
05:43 You may avoid closeness with others because of a fear of rejection and abandonment.
05:49 So did you relate to any of these points?
05:52 I sure did.
05:53 Let us know in the comments.
05:55 Emotional wounds need to be treated and cared for just like physical injuries.
06:00 An individual with a positive self-perception and a sense of where they belong in the world
06:05 will be able to develop healthy relationships.
06:07 According to researchers, trauma-informed families often have better outcomes for themselves
06:12 and their loved ones.
06:13 For instance, supportive trauma treatments enable families, partners, or friends to grow
06:18 closer and stronger after trauma.
06:21 If you found this video helpful, be sure to hit the like button and share it with those
06:24 out there who need to hear it.
06:26 Don't forget to subscribe to Psych2Go and hit that notification bell for more new videos.
06:30 Thanks so much for watching.