• il y a 5 mois
Transcription
00:00Kill Face vs. Billionaire Tycoon Xander Cruz
00:02Joining me, News Lady Grace Ryan and Suspiciously Handsome Political Commentator Harper Ellis
00:07Grace, Harper, welcome to the Hawk!
00:09Thanks, Hawk.
00:10Thank you.
00:10Democratic Nominee Kill Face, Harper!
00:12You gotta love this guy.
00:14Cured global warming, rescued baby Lamont, has hip-hop megastar Taquile on the ticket.
00:18Republican Nominee Billionaire Tycoon Xander Cruz, Grace Ryan!
00:21Um, well, he's just fantastic and...
00:23He has no experience whatsoever.
00:25He's also, um, a billionaire.
00:26Richest candidate always wins, Harper!
00:29Unfortunately, that's often the case, but with global warming...
00:31Jump science! Mr. Ford be a satellite!
00:34American voters, what do they want?
00:35Really, all America want is cold beer, warm p***y, and some place to take your s***y with a door on it.
00:45Up next!
00:46I mean, you don't want the dog looking at you.
00:47Okay.
00:48Immigration! Why not have a massive pedestrian overpass to Canada?
00:52Man, I was gonna do a pedestrian overpass to Canada.
00:55And I...
00:56Who's gonna call up this Bixban?
00:57And I think it's a fantastic idea.
00:59See, Stan? You get me.
01:01A good quality and a running mate.
01:07I am glad you brought that up.
01:09Because I need somebody who gets me.
01:11And also somebody who's a fighter, Stan.
01:14Just a tenacious, smashing bastard.
01:17He may be a little older.
01:19He may be a little balder.
01:20But he's still the only player in NFL history to get two safeties in a single game.
01:27I'm sorry?
01:28Yes, Stan!
01:29Two-time Pro Bowler Fred Dreyer!
01:31You mean, TV's Hunter?
01:35He was Hunter?!
01:36Oh my God!
01:37Yes, what are you...
01:38Ashley!
01:39I have a new secretary.
01:41Because turns out Simone died.
01:48Ashley!
01:49I had to chase after him and I was yelling...
01:51Ashley!
01:52Yeah?
01:53Give me Fred Dreyer on the phone.
01:54Like...
01:56The guy from Hunter?
01:57How does everybody know this?
01:59Yes!
01:59Is this just like common knowledge?
02:01I mean...
02:01Oh, also get me every episode of Hunter.
02:04Like on DVD?
02:05Format doesn't matter!
02:07But if it's any other format, I'm gonna need the machine that plays it.
02:10Just give me two of every machine that ever played video and then the Hunter.
02:14Got it.
02:17And then format won't matter.
02:18Well, should I call him?
02:20TV's Hunter!
02:21God, it's like finding out Jesus knew karate.
02:25Imagine that, Stan.
02:26Karate Jesus.
02:28Can I at least be campaign manager?
02:30Yes! Fred Dreyer says it's okay.
02:32Do you need my car?
02:35Okay, so go get me a prosthetic ear.
02:37All right.
02:37Also go get me a campaign jet.
02:39Wouldn't you rather have a bus?
02:40A bus?
02:41Most candidates...
02:41Stan, I'm the Republican candidate for president.
02:44Not the old black lady that comes to clean your house.
02:48Whatever those are called.
02:52Wendell, you've outdone yourself!
02:54Well, now I know how Diego Rivera must have felt.
02:56It's a brilliant bus!
02:57When he was banging Frida Kahlo.
02:59You know...
02:59D-bagging the unibrow.
03:00I just...
03:04Can't believe it was $9,000!
03:06Well, there's hidden fees.
03:07You know, a title transfer.
03:10Plus I had to get tags.
03:16No, I thought it would have cost more.
03:18Oh, well, then I mean...
03:19Never mind my excuse.
03:20Wait, is that blood down there?
03:22No, I...
03:24Think that is hydraulic fluid.
03:27Well, even so.
03:28It's a steal at twice the price.
03:29Not a mechanic.
03:30So if there's a few bucks left over, you know...
03:32Go get something nice.
03:34Yeah, hey, I'd like a $9,000 prostitute, please.
03:37Oh, do you have nine $1,000 ones?
03:40Yeah, good.
03:41And if you got an albino, send her up too.
03:43In like 20 minutes, I'm gonna be asleep.
03:45So get them up here.
03:46I had like half a bottle of melatonin.
03:49Six beers.
03:50This whole f***ing bucket of chicken.
03:52Oh, the Sandman is coming.
03:55Oh, and it's got a little microwave.
03:57Oh my God, that's full size.
03:58The same model as in your house.
04:00300 watts.
04:00Cause you already got it dialed in for the Veggieritos.
04:03Oh, I love them.
04:04Wendell, this is the greatest campaign vehicle
04:07in the history of the...
04:11Son of a whore!
04:13Papa Bear, get down!
04:14Hmm?
04:15Wendell, get off me!
04:17I gotta shield you from the bullets.
04:19Don't think that was the assassin.
04:21No, that wasn't me.
04:23I'm more low-tech, high-concept, I guess.
04:27Is that...
04:27Angel of Death.
04:31Okay.
04:32Oh my God, did you see that?
04:34Look, I was laying right there.
04:36Could have crushed me.
04:37God, first the tarantula, now this.
04:39First the tarantula, now this.
04:41Well, you know, maybe you should put the necklace back.
04:44Think of that.
04:44Don't you have any sodding leads?
04:46Well, just these.
04:47I guess the assassin must have dropped them.
04:48Damn it.
04:49Which...
04:50Actually, you might just be a red herring.
04:54You know...
04:54Oh, lighten up.
04:56I know, I know, but...
04:58I just can't stay mad at him.
04:59No, Wendell, that explosion was caused
05:01by someone far more...
05:04crappier.
05:05Folks, welcome to Air President Day.
05:07That sonic boom was me blowing out the windows
05:10on my opponent's bus,
05:11just like I'm gonna blow him out in the election.
05:14Cacao questions who's first.
05:16Grace Ryan.
05:17No, you're not first.
05:19Call on Darcelle for me.
05:21What?
05:21Waiting on you.
05:22That's pathetic.
05:23Please don't do this.
05:24Call on Darcelle.
05:26Do it.
05:28Darcelle Jones of Team Jaguar.
05:30Yes.
05:30Darcelle Jones of Team Jaguar.
05:32Hang on, Darcelle.
05:33I'm sorry.
05:33You, Grace, do the roar.
05:35What?
05:35Roar like the Team Jaguar Jaguar.
05:40No!
05:41Damn it, you're an apex predator.
05:43Yeah!
05:44That's how she sounds when I'm banging her.
05:46Oh, man.
05:49I know.
05:50I just can't stay mad at him.
05:52I'm gonna have his babies.
05:54Is that...
05:55Uh-huh.
05:55Shouldn't that be in a freezer?
05:57Sometimes I just like to hold them.
06:00Fantastic.
06:01Emergency strategy meeting!
06:03Everybody come in here.
06:05Oh, guess we're all here.
06:07Well, first we need more staff.
06:09And now that the perfidious Xander Cruz
06:11is running against us,
06:12we must have an airplane.
06:14An airplane?
06:15God, please don't make me kill again.
06:17Why, we can't afford an airplane.
06:19Well, maybe if you'd lay off
06:21the platinum-infused highballs...
06:22Me?
06:23What about those idiotic T-shirts?
06:25Okay, hope you got your jack on tight
06:27because...
06:28Ta-da!
06:30Ming.
06:31Huh?
06:31Ming, Ming.
06:32What am I looking at?
06:32Oh, sorry.
06:34Um...
06:35Get this out of war.
06:36Dot, dot, dot.
06:37Ming.
06:37Global warming.
06:38Why is Ming on the front?
06:39No, it's not on the...
06:40It certainly is.
06:41There's a pocket there, Wendell.
06:42Oh.
06:43Yeah, crap.
06:43Oh, how much did that cost us?
06:45No, no, not that much.
06:46Because they had a pretty decent price break there.
06:48There where?
06:49Thirty-six.
06:50Oh, well, thirty-six...
06:50Thousand.
06:51Wendell!
06:52And that pocket was free.
06:53Yeah, I...
06:53You know, you put your Zune in there.
06:55You couldn't pull a P out of a boot
06:57if the directions were on the heel.
06:58Woman, they had pricing tears.
07:00Oh, go tell it to your albino whores.
07:02I will not even dignify that with a response.
07:06Yeah, please don't.
07:06Can I say something?
07:07Not if it's about that.
07:08How about we try to beat Cruz on the issues?
07:11Like, did anybody read my position paper
07:13on education reform?
07:14Oh, yeah.
07:15That thing's chock full of...
07:18Reform.
07:18No, I didn't read it.
07:19Look, we can win this election.
07:21How?
07:21Giving out free bus rides?
07:23Well, who wants to ride in some crappy old bus
07:26with no windows?
07:27Oh, you just like trips.
07:29Oh, can you lay off the bird?
07:30He's the only reason we've gotten this far.
07:32Cruz cannot touch us on global warming.
07:36No, it's not on backwards.
07:37And you're forgetting his underlying weakness.
07:40He's an idiot.
07:40He is an idiot.
07:42I forgot about that.
07:43I mean, what's his position on education reform?
07:46Vouchers?
07:47Hotter teachers.
07:48Because if the teachers are crazy smoking ass hot,
07:51kids will study more.
07:52And plus, we'll get them boob jobs.
07:54Who, the teachers?
07:55Or, yeah, our high school chicks too,
07:57if they want them.
07:57Or whoever.
07:58You know, big fat ass double D's for everybody.
08:01Well, um, that's certainly...
08:02You could kind of use a set.
08:05You know...
08:06Hang on.
08:07Gonna swing around and blow out the windows
08:08on Killface's house.
08:10Well, if we can't afford an airplane,
08:12why not just take away his?
08:13And how do you propose we do that?
08:15Well, I actually have some thoughts on that.
08:17Pedestrian overpass to Canada.
08:20This way, the Mexicans walk right over us.
08:24My God, a missile!
08:26We've been hit!
08:27Yay!
08:28Ooh, nice shot, dude!
08:29Ah, that's the stuff!
08:30Take that, you bomb-snacking Republican!
08:33Damn it!
08:33I thought we were gonna campaign on the issues!
08:36Oh, lighten up.
08:39No, you can have one cupcake.
08:41Thanks for coming out, everybody.
08:43I gotta jump out of this burning airplane.
08:45You have a parachute?
08:46Yeah, built into my tux.
08:47Well...
08:48Also recycles urine.
08:49Take me with you!
08:50Yeah, I can probably take one person.
08:52Well, then take me!
08:53Ooh!
08:54Ooh, what?
08:55Well, Stan's campaign manager.
08:57Cacao!
08:58Ah!
08:59If you leave me to burn to death in this airplane,
09:00we are just finished!
09:02Well...
09:03We'll always have Vegas.
09:05That wasn't me!
09:06Oh, right!
09:09Okay.
09:10You bastard!
09:12Woohoo!
09:14God!
09:15Still can't stay mad at him!
09:17Ah!
09:22Uh...
09:23Thank you for picking me.
09:24Hey, don't get all Sophie's choice, man!
09:26I don't...
09:26You know?
09:27Take all the sympathy coups I'm gonna get.
09:29Oh, where's your girlfriend?
09:30Oh, is she burned to death?
09:31Oh my God, put your penis in my vagina!
09:33I'm gonna be killing it, man!
09:41Yeah...
09:43You are like a bad penny.