According to Jim
  • 6 months ago
Transcript
00:30Mr. River, sir. We've located the black box terminal. You should be getting something
00:58now.
00:59Confirmed. Ident details SSS Esperanto, ocean seeding ship. Mission to introduce oceanic
01:06life to potential S3 planets. This was a recon trip, a three-year check, strictly routine
01:12to make sure the amino acid chain had taken.
01:14They've been trying out some new enhancement technique to accelerate the evolutionary process.
01:20Topped even their best projections.
01:23They got five million years of evolution in three solar years.
01:27So what happened to them?
01:30Final entry routine stuff. They spent the day cataloging and indexing new life forms.
01:36Then it stops.
01:37The question which occurs, if this ocean is supposed to be teeming with new life forms,
01:41where are they all?
01:42What are you implying, Crikey?
01:43No implication intended, sir.
01:44Yes, there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there, aren't you? Some
01:49kind of gigantic, weird, prehistoric leviathan who's poked its way through this entire ocean?
01:55That is one option.
01:57Any alternatives?
01:58None that occur.
01:59Hey, wait a minute. I've got it. Don't fish swim south with a wimmer?
02:03No, that's birds, sir.
02:05Birds swim south with a wimmer? How do they breathe?
02:11Nice.
02:13Ribbon, are you getting this?
02:15Got it. Looks like Norman Bates' mum.
02:20Human, male, Caucasian, cause of death, gunshot wound to the head.
02:25From the entry and exit wounds, most likely self-inflicted.
02:28Here's another one.
02:32Two suicides.
02:34There's more.
02:38Male, oriental, clearly he committed seppuku.
02:41Hey, look what I found.
02:44Species unknown, similar to earth haddock, cause of death, suffocation.
02:48What?
02:49What is it?
02:50This fish suffocated in water. It voluntarily closed its own gills.
02:55Are you saying this haddock committed suicide?
02:58I merely stated the known facts. This fish relinquished its life of its own free will.
03:04Damn fool.
03:06Why would the haddock kill itself?
03:09Why am I even asking that question?
03:12Hold it, hang five, guys, I'm getting something.
03:14He committed suicide, he committed suicide, he committed suicide, and the fish committed suicide.
03:20There's some kind of link here that I can't quite make out.
03:24Hang on a minute, guys.
03:26Check this.
03:28What's this?
03:33It's an unknown compound. Best guess, some kind of hallucinogenic venom secreted by a fiskine source.
03:39Not unlike the earth octopus or giant squid.
03:42So this is octopus ink.
03:43Well, I'm just completing a chemical analysis.
03:47What?
03:48Come on, sir, we have to go.
03:49What's happening?
03:50We have to go.
03:52Brighton, what's going on?
03:53Entering airlock.
03:54Repressurizing now.
03:57Some kind of sea creature, a life form we've never encountered before, attacked this ship.
04:01Its defense mechanism is a curious one.
04:03It secretes a venom, a poison, possibly even a hallucinogenic, which dysfunctions its prey by inducing despair.
04:10Now that's why the crew members and even that fish had committed suicide.
04:13Unfortunately, we have been contaminated.
04:16It's a greatly reduced dose, but we may find that we do experience bouts of despair and anguish.
04:23What about Lister and the cat?
04:26I'm okay.
04:27I don't seem to be affected.
04:29Screw it, I don't think anyone's ever truly loved me in my entire life.
04:33There's nothing new about that.
04:35What's gotten into you guys?
04:37This is like Saturday night at the Wailing Wall.
04:40Why does it always mean it has to be the strong one?
04:43How many of you guys would just fall apart?
04:46We should get back as soon as we can and then take a mood stabilizer.
04:49Suggest lithium carbonate.
04:52I know emotionally this probably isn't the news you want to hear right now,
04:56but there's a blob on the sonoscope the size of New Mexico.
05:00And it's heading your way.
05:02I think our friend the suicide squid is about to make an appearance.
05:05Where is it precisely?
05:07Directly above you, about 2,000 fathoms and diving.
05:10Oh, thanks a lot, Remy.
05:12If you have a statement and you have to go and give us news like that, you couldn't have lied.
05:16I was lying. It's only 1,000 fathoms.
05:21We're entering Starbucks airlock now.
05:30What's it doing?
05:32It's trying to work out what we are. Cut the power.
05:36This venom. Are we safe in here?
05:38It penetrates the hull of a Class D space core seeding ship
05:42in comparison with a sardine sin.
05:44It's moving.
05:45Where?
05:46Down.
05:47Speed?
05:4815 knots, 16, 18.
05:50Diving.
05:51Course?
05:52Collision.
05:53Do we move or stay?
05:5425 knots, 35, 15.
05:56It's coming straight for us. There's only three alternatives.
05:59It thinks we're either a threat, fool or a mate.
06:01It's going to either kill us, eat us or hump us.
06:04I will persuade him that we're not that kind of oceanic salvage vessel.
06:07Polish garb up pronto.
06:08To be diddled by a giant squid on a first date?
06:11Think how it'd feel in the morning.
06:13OK, we're going to try and outrun it.
06:15Holly, hit the power and give me manual.
06:21Change ferry, 105.
06:23Some natural caverns about three clicks away.
06:25Might give us some cover.
06:26That's a yoga leak.
06:28New coast set.
06:36Jesus!
06:37Look out!
06:50For the last four years, you have been engaged in a total immersion video game, Red Dwarf.
07:04As with all role-playing adventures, you will experience a certain amount of disorientation on leaving the game.
07:11It will be several minutes before your real-life memories return.
07:15So, in the meantime, please disengage the game-playing machinery and relax
07:20until an attendant is free to answer any of your questions.
07:24On behalf of Leisure World International, may we be the first to say,
07:28welcome back to reality.
07:37This is a very, very bad dream, right?
07:46I'm not a hologram.
07:48I'm half-human.
07:49What the hell's happened to my teeth?
07:57I can loaf on beer bottles with my upper back.
08:02All right, lads, how are you feeling?
08:04Bit wonky?
08:05It's perfectly normal.
08:06We'll be all right as rain in 20 minutes.
08:08So, if you could just move prone to the recuperation lounge,
08:12I can get things ready for the next lot.
08:14There's a very popular guy in this Red Dwarf.
08:16He's got a two-year waiting list.
08:18And we've got 20 machines.
08:20So, how did you get killed, then?
08:22Some kind of squid.
08:23The Despair Squid?
08:25There's no way that should have killed you.
08:26Why didn't you use the laser cannons?
08:28It's obvious.
08:29Starbuck doesn't... didn't have a laser cannon capability.
08:32You twonk, you used the laser cannons on the crash...
08:35What's it, Esperanto?
08:37That's how you get out of it.
08:39How were we supposed to know that, you brummy git?
08:42Esperanto, that's a clue, isn't it?
08:44Esperanto.
08:46Hope.
08:47Hope defeats despair, the Despair Squid.
08:49It's a blatant clue, innit, blatant?
08:51Blimey, heck, if we didn't get that,
08:52you must have been playing like puddings.
08:55Which one was playing Lister, then?
08:57Me.
08:59Did you get Kachansky?
09:01Was I supposed to?
09:03Supposed to?
09:04That's the objective of the game for Lister, you twonk.
09:07I mean, you're separated to begin with,
09:09then basically, it's a love story across time, space, death and reality.
09:13You must have got the easy stuff, though.
09:15Here, what did you think of the planet of the Nymphomaniacs?
09:18The planet of the what?
09:20You missed that.
09:21Oh, that's the right one.
09:23Some people spend years on that.
09:25Which one was Rimmer?
09:27Me.
09:28Oh, he's amazing, isn't he?
09:30Gee, you can say that again.
09:31How long did it take you to suss him out, then?
09:33Oh, I had him sussed right from the beginning.
09:35Really?
09:36Really.
09:37He found the captain's message right away.
09:42What captain's message?
09:43The one that's sitting in the micro-dot in the eye in Rimmer's swimming certificate.
09:47Well, that's the clue, isn't it?
09:49Rimmer having a swimming certificate and not being able to swim.
09:51And that's a clue?
09:53It's a blatant clue, isn't it?
09:55A blatant clue to what?
09:57A blatant clue to the truth behind Rimmer.
10:00What truth?
10:01The truth to why he's such an insufferable prat.
10:04Because of his parents, his upbringing, his background, the fact he was never loved.
10:07No, no, no.
10:08Yes, yes, yes.
10:09No, no, no.
10:10Yes, yes, yes.
10:11No!
10:14What was it, then?
10:15He was a hand-picked special agent for the Space Corps.
10:18He had his memory erased and was programmed to act like a complete swonk.
10:22So no-one would suspect he was on a secret mission to destroy Red Dwarf
10:25in order to guide Lister to his destiny as creator of the second universe.
10:28Do you what?
10:29Yeah.
10:30You know that bit where Lister jump-starts the second Big Bang
10:33with Jump Blades from Starbuck?
10:35Jump-starts the second Big Bang.
10:38Well, that's the final irony, isn't it?
10:40Lister, the ultimate atheist, turns out, in fact, to be God!
10:44What?
10:45It's all in the captain's message. It's all in the micro-dots.
10:48Hang on a minute.
10:49Is he...
10:50Are you...
10:51Are you seriously telling me you were playing the prat version of Rimmer for all this time?
10:55For four years?
10:57Oh!
10:58Well, that's a classic, Danny. That's a classic.
11:02All right, lads. Which one's Lister?
11:05Right.
11:06You've got your food bag, bio-feedback capacitor.
11:09It's all there. You can start plugging yourself in.
11:12Here, whatever you do, don't mix the food puddle with the capacitor, will you?
11:15Some bloke did that. We didn't spot it for two days.
11:18OK, Crichton, in you go, son.
11:21OK, Kats, Rimmer, give us a bit of room here, will you, please, chaps?
11:25Where do we go? We don't know who we are.
11:27Our memories haven't returned yet.
11:29It's a recuperation lounge, I keep telling you.
11:33Blimey, no wonder you only scored 4%.
11:36What a bunch of twonks.
11:44I'm not Lister, then?
11:46I'm not me, am I?
11:47None of us are who we thought we were, sir.
11:49This is going to take some getting used to.
11:51I'm not Rimmer, then?
11:52No.
11:54I'm not a hologram?
11:55I'm not Rimmer?
11:56Well, if we're not who we thought we were, who the hell are we?
12:00The kind of sad acts you want to spend four years playing a computer game?
12:04Either running away from God knows what,
12:07or we've got nothing worth living for in the first place.
12:10Is there a Dwayne Dibley in here?
12:12Pardon?
12:13Dwayne Dibley.
12:14No, sorry.
12:15Wait a minute.
12:16How do you know there's no one called Dwayne Dibley in here?
12:19It could be you.
12:20No, this is right.
12:21Dibley.
12:22This is the Dibley party.
12:24Which one's Dwayne Dibley?
12:31No.
12:32No, no, please not.
12:33I don't want to be Dwayne Dibley.
12:36It's you.
12:37Here are your party's clothes and possessions.
12:39The medical officer will be down in 20 minutes.
12:41Dwayne Dibley?
12:42How can that be called Dwayne Dibley?
12:44It's true.
12:45It's got your photograph, name, address on it and everything.
12:49Is it an anorak in here?
12:52White socks.
12:54Nylon shirt.
12:56Plastic sandals.
12:59Airtex vest.
13:01Cardigan.
13:03Oh, and a key to the Salvation Army hostel.
13:08It doesn't make sense.
13:10I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it makes perfect sense.
13:14Dwayne?
13:17Imagine a guy with no alan, no style, a misfit.
13:20Doesn't it just make total sense that this hapless creature
13:23would give his buck teeth to play someone like the cat in a computer game?
13:27So this is really me?
13:30A no-style gimbo with teeth the Druids could use as a place of worship?
13:36Brighton, open the next one.
13:39Listen, whoever you are,
13:41don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around.
13:44Because almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy
13:48who's going to take any crap from whoever you are.
13:50So before you start ordering me around,
13:52let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around
13:55or if I'm the kind of guy who gets all uptight being ordered around
13:58by whatever the kind of guy you are. Clear?
14:00All I said was open the next one.
14:03Right, this one's you.
14:05Oh. Who am I?
14:07Wow.
14:09You're a detective?
14:11In the Cybernautic Division of the Police Department?
14:14Oh, golly. Really?
14:16Yeah. This is your badge.
14:18A detective, huh? What's my name?
14:20Jake. Jake Bullitt.
14:26Jake Bullitt. Cybernautic detective.
14:29I like that.
14:31That sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot
14:34who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority.
14:37And if those pen-pushers up at City Hall don't like it,
14:40well, they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid-digit
14:45and swivel till they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon.
14:51On the other hand, Mr. Bullitt,
14:53perhaps the Cybernautics Division is in charge of traffic control.
14:57And you just happen to have a rather silly, macho name.
15:00Oh, yes. That's a very good point, sir. I didn't think of that.
15:04Dwayne Dibley?
15:08So, whoever you are, who's next?
15:10I don't want to know. Someone else will.
15:12Stand aside. Let the law handle this.
15:18No photograph. Name?
15:20Billy Doyle.
15:22Not necessarily. It's not necessarily me.
15:25Billy Doyle. Well, that's a name that came from the wrong side of the tracks, isn't it?
15:29You can see it all now.
15:31A youth spent in and out of corrective institutions.
15:34A string of illegitimate children.
15:36The wife will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy legs.
15:40Has to take up petty crime to cover the court orders for maintenance.
15:43Before he knows it, he's standing in a bank with a sawn-off shotgun.
15:47Somehow it goes off.
15:49An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted bobblehead.
15:53All he can do is hide. But where?
15:56And then it hits him. With his ill-gotten gains, he can buy four years in a computer game
16:01and wait till the heat's off.
16:03So ends the ballad of Billy Granny Killer Doyle.
16:07It's yours.
16:10What?
16:11It's yours.
16:13Bill.
16:14No.
16:15Check the ugly mug on the ID then, man.
16:18William Doyle.
16:20William Doyle.
16:22Good old Bill Doyle.
16:25You know, that sounds like a hell of a good name to me.
16:28Probably connected with the Boston Doyles, old money, blue chip stock.
16:33You know, I think it's all beginning to come back to me now.
16:36What puzzles me slightly is what a man of such undoubted good breeding
16:40would be doing wearing a coat that smells like an elderly male yak has taken a leak in both the pockets.
16:46Well, isn't it obvious?
16:48No, it isn't.
16:50Oh, my God. My name's Billy Doyle and my cologne is eau de yak urine.
16:57So who am I then?
17:07Wow. Look at my gear.
17:12This stuff's really, really expensive.
17:15Are you quite absolutely sure this isn't my box?
17:18Who are you? What do you do?
17:20Work for some company. CGI.
17:23I've got a limo and a long-term car park.
17:26Well, clearly you are privy to all the breaks and advantages that life denied poor old William Doyle here.
17:31Sir, I think you should take a look at this.
17:34William, meet your brother, Sebastian.
17:41Well, half-brothers, uterinal. Same mother.
17:47This is a crazy idea. We can't leave now. Our memories haven't returned yet.
17:52We've got to find out more about ourselves.
17:54I refuse to accept a misalky dropout yak coat wearing half-brother.
17:59Dwayne Dibley.
18:05Are you crazy, mister? Are you totally nuts?
18:08You risk your own neck and everybody else's just to save my life.
18:12You do that again and I'll kill you.
18:14Take your chance.
18:18Shit.
18:35Oh, Vogue flashes for the third glorious decade of total law enforcement.
18:41Be a government informer. Betray your family and friends.
18:45Fabulous. Prizes to be won.
18:54Here it is.
18:57Here it is.
19:04This is your car.
19:06P-47?
19:08All four on fire.
19:11Move, voters.
19:13Move one inch and I'll crush every bone in your body.
19:18You helped an enemy of democracy escape.
19:23You helped an enemy of democracy escape.
19:26She was stealing an apple of the people.
19:30Bullets are not excellent. It's traffic control.
19:37Kneel, voters.
19:39You are under sentence of death.
19:44Come out of the shadows, voters.
19:47What's the beef? Did she steal your lunchbox?
19:50Many, many apologies, sir, voter colonel.
19:53Had I known it was you...
19:57Forgive me.
19:59You know me?
20:01Of course, voter colonel.
20:03Who am I?
20:05You are Colonel Sebastian Doyle,
20:07section chief of CGI,
20:09head of Ministry of Alteration.
20:12Remind me a little.
20:14Well, what exactly do we do at the Ministry of Alteration?
20:18You...
20:20change people, voter colonel.
20:22In what way?
20:24You change them from being alive people
20:27to being dead people,
20:29to purify democracy.
20:31Purify?
20:32No one has done more to purge the ballot boxes
20:35than the voter colonel.
20:37So why has he been away for four years?
20:39Excuse me, voter colonel,
20:41but is this some sort of test?
20:44Answer him.
20:46The rumour was that you had...
20:49grown weary of your glorious duties
20:51and you had gone away in secret
20:54to renew yourself.
21:00Halt!
21:08I killed him.
21:13Get out of here. In the closet.
21:15Get in the car.
21:17I killed him.
21:18We haven't got time for that.
21:20I killed a human.
21:21In the car.
21:26Look out. Fascist cops by the left of their arms.
21:29Your head.
21:31Hello. For the 3000th time, you're hallucinating.
21:34Can anyone hear me?
21:36Uh-oh. Speed bumps.
21:42Chagain.
21:46Look out at the barrier.
21:48Brace yourselves. We're going through it.
21:54Motorcycles.
21:55Looks like they're carrying personal rocket launchers.
21:58That bridge. Think we can make it?
22:00It's raising.
22:01Got any better ideas?
22:02Let's do it.
22:06Whoa!
22:12We made it.
22:13We made it. Nice driving.
22:15Salam, suckers.
22:19Uh-oh. Helicopters.
22:23I'm going to have to dump the limo.
22:28OK. Come on. Go. Go. Go.
22:35Get in. I got it.
22:44I killed him. I killed a human.
22:50Damn.
22:51What are you doing?
22:52It is fundamental to me never to take a life, no matter what the provocation.
22:56I could have stunned him. I killed him. I must terminate myself.
22:59This is a nightmare.
23:01I'm on the run from the fascist police with a murderer and a mass murderer and a man in a brine nylon shirt.
23:08I've just glocked some Jetson human wreckage sputer bag who smells like a yak latrine.
23:13Now my best flashing mag is about to get splattered with an android's brain.
23:17I'm off to you with a gun.
23:19Yeah, cut me in two. Ditto.
23:21But there's only one bullet left.
23:23We could all put our head together and the bullet could go down a line.
23:29Brighton, I'm broadcasting on a higher frequency. Can you hear me now?
23:33Did somebody say something?
23:35You're hallucinating. Put the gun down.
23:38I think I'm going to put the gun down.
23:41Walk forward three paces.
23:43I think I'm going to walk forward three paces.
23:48Well, he's cracking up.
23:50I have a strange compulsion to pick up this fire extinguisher and twist the release wheel.
23:56Have you quite finished being strange?
24:00I'm sorry, sir. I don't know what came over me.
24:06Okay?
24:07Okay.
24:08You're hallucinating.
24:11You're hallucinating.
24:13What?
24:14I thought you weren't going to make it. Welcome back to reality.
24:17What happened?
24:18You had a group hallucination brought on by the ink from the despair squid.
24:22You were about to commit suicide just like the crew of the Esperanto.
24:26Till the mood stabilizer saved you.
24:28The lithium carbonate.
24:30We really would have killed ourselves.
24:32Of course.
24:33The hallucinations were designed to induce despair.
24:37To attack the very things we each consider quintessential to our self-esteem.
24:42Take Mr. Rimmer.
24:43Back there he could no longer blame his failings and shortcomings on his parents.
24:47Because he shared an upbringing with you, sir.
24:49His richer, more important half-brother.
24:51The cat lost his cool and life for him no longer had any meaning.
24:55Because he is so mind-meltingly shallow.
24:57Right. Superficial is my middle name.
25:01And you, sir.
25:02You have always prided yourself on being a good man.
25:04A man of moral courage.
25:06So, when you thought you were a mass-murdering butcher in a totalitarian state.
25:10Despair.
25:11Despair destined to drive you over the edge.
25:15And with you it was taking a human life?
25:18Precisely.
25:20I'm not doing Dibley.
25:23I am, Rimmer.
25:25I'm afraid so.
25:27So, what happened to the Despair Squid?
25:30I took care of that.
25:31Limp it, minds.
25:32There's enough fried calamari out there to feed the whole of Italy.
25:35Well, I say let's get out of here.
25:37Flight coordinates programmed.
25:39Switching to pilot cooperation till we hit the surface.
25:44Those planet engineers really screwed up in a big way here, didn't they?
25:47Playing God.
25:49The evolutionary process threw up a life-form so much stronger and more deadly than any other species.
25:54Damn near wiped out everything on the entire planet.
25:57Spreading despair and destruction wherever it stuck its ugly mush.
26:02Sounds rather reminiscent of a species sitting not a million miles away from me now.
26:10You probably have to be a mechanoid to fully appreciate that one.
26:14Brighton, no one likes a smart alligandroid.
26:17Hit the retros.
26:20We're on our way, sir.
26:24We're on our way.
27:24Thanks for watching!