• 6 months ago
Transcript
00:30This is the Daily Report of Captain F. Hollister, the mining ship Red Dwarf.
00:59Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the Space Corps.
01:03Look, this is going to sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you, and you've
01:08all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots.
01:11I've got to track down these nanos to corroborate our story, otherwise who's going to believe
01:15our defence?
01:16Only meth-drinkers in the Corn Circle Society.
01:19Look, I need your help, man.
01:21I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapists, the works.
01:25I can make you look like a genius.
01:28You can get promoted in the field, man.
01:29You won't have to take exams.
01:31Just help me escape.
01:33I have my principles, Lister.
01:35You think you can buy me with promises of power and glory?
01:37Do you really think...
01:39OK, I'll do it.
01:40But you'll have to prove it to me first.
01:44You're on.
01:45Get me promoted.
01:46You'll find the confidential files in Starbuck's cockpit.
01:49There's a senile version of Holly loaded into this watch.
01:53He'll lead you to it.
01:54Yes!
01:55My captain, sir!
01:56Rimmer, is this salute ever going to end?
02:14My captain, sir.
02:20Rimmer, is this salute ever going to end?
02:23Do I have time to go for a cup of coffee?
02:26Maybe go on vacation?
02:28Nearly finished, sir.
02:30It's my very special extra-long salute
02:32I reserve for the especially important, sir.
02:45You wanted to see me?
02:47I'm concerned over some of the safety procedures on board, sir.
02:50There's a potentially lethal scenario concerning drive plates, sir.
02:54Obviously, anyone who misrepaired one of these plates
02:57would have to have a brain the size of a leprechaun's testicle.
03:00Nevertheless, sir, like German tourists, the stupid are everywhere.
03:07I propose the following new safety procedures, sir.
03:14Did you really think of this?
03:16Permission to look smug, sir.
03:20Permission granted.
03:25Good work, Rimmer.
03:27Great work. Oh, before I go, sir,
03:30happy wedding anniversary, sir.
03:35I'm sure you must be missing her terribly.
03:37A blueberry muffin.
03:39Like Martha used to make.
03:43Well, thanks, Rimmer.
03:45Dismissed.
03:47Sir, just one more thing.
03:49I know the medical guys think we've run out of this stuff,
03:52but I discovered a couple of unopened medicrates in storage, sir.
03:55If this is useful to you in any way, it's yours, no questions asked.
04:01Anus Soothe Pile Cream.
04:06The easy-to-apply cream that comes with its own special glove.
04:13APPLAUSE
04:20One size fits all.
04:24I could tell from your walk.
04:27Rimmer...
04:31..could you post this for me?
04:37Why, certainly, sir.
04:43Oh, it's addressed to me, sir.
04:45I'm giving a supper for some of the guys
04:47that I've marked out for greater things.
04:49And you want me to be the wine waiter, sir?
04:52This report is first-rate.
04:54Now, I want you to come to supper.
04:56See you on Friday.
04:58Incidentally, it's black Thai.
05:00Thai, Chinese, I'll eat anything, sir.
05:04Though I would prefer it if it wasn't black.
05:06Any chance of having mine medium-rare, sir?
05:09Just go. Wear it what the hell you want.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:46APPLAUSE
05:53Get undressed.
06:01Fill this up behind the screen.
06:09Thank you.
06:24SNIFFS
06:30SNIFFS
06:34SNIFFS
06:39SNIFFS
06:44SNIFFS
06:48SNIFFS
06:52SNIFFS
06:56LAUGHTER
07:05You're crying, aren't you?
07:07What are you doing here?
07:11What's wrong?
07:13I've been classified as a woman.
07:17A woman? Why?
07:19Well, because I haven't got a...
07:23It's a space car directive to prevent gender ambiguity in jail.
07:26What's the saying?
07:28If you've got nothing to swing, you can't be with Bing.
07:31Well, what happened? Did you lose it?
07:33I was never issued with one, ma'am.
07:35I couldn't find one unless somehow I lost both arms
07:37and there was an emergency situation to write my name in the snow.
07:41So you mean you've never had a steak pie, peas and chips, then?
07:44I think the phrase is meat and two veg, ma'am.
07:48The only mechanoids that were ever issued with genitals
07:50were the ones created to work on Italian starships.
07:54It was felt they could acclimatise themselves better
07:56if they could mimic their Italian crewmates
07:58and stand around cupping themselves all day.
08:01Hey, now you're a woman,
08:03that means some big changes in the way you behave.
08:06I'm not going to be a woman for long, ma'am, just overnight.
08:09They want my permission to repair my corrupted files tomorrow afternoon,
08:12restore my factory settings.
08:14But your corrupted files are what make you you.
08:17I've been diagnosed as being quirky and unstable.
08:20Spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!
08:23Quirky! How can they reach a verdict like that?
08:25And as for unstable, it makes me so...
08:28Darn it, I still haven't got the hang of that emotion, have I?
08:31What was it supposed to be? Ambivalence.
08:33Didn't come out right, though, did it?
08:35I look like Mr Lister when he's forced to eat fruit.
08:39Look, what are you going to do?
08:41I have to go along with them, ma'am. I can't say no.
08:43They are my superiors. No, you've got to say no.
08:46I can't. They're better than me. I'm not strong enough.
08:49Right, here's a tip. If you get scared tomorrow,
08:52just imagine what they look like on the loo.
08:55Can you see them? No, I...
08:59Yes, I can.
09:01Do they still seem better than you? No, ma'am.
09:03Do they still seem superior? No, ma'am.
09:05But that's what you've got to do tomorrow.
09:07Just recreate that picture.
09:09It works for everyone. Yes!
09:11Who are you looking at now?
09:13You, ma'am.
09:17The upstanding.
09:19Just relax. The river's going to help us escape.
09:22Just relax. The river's going to help us escape.
09:24This inquiry's a piece of cake. We just go through the motions.
09:28Let's get this inquiry underway.
09:33You have refused defense assistance? Is that right?
09:38Okay, this is what we do. I've watched a lot of TV shows,
09:41and we all huddle together like this and whisper for a while
09:43before we answer. It looks like we know what we're doing.
09:48We intend to defend ourselves.
09:50You see how good that looks?
09:52Are you familiar with the mind scan?
09:54We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.
09:56You are aware that it pictorially enhances the cognitive process,
10:00making your innermost thoughts available for recording
10:02and viewing to a board of inquiry?
10:04Yes, sir. You understand that it will involve
10:06the administration of psychotropic drugs,
10:09that is, drugs which affect your mental state,
10:11making this process possible?
10:13If you accept, say aye. Aye.
10:16Please sign the consent forms
10:18and seal them into the envelopes provided.
10:21We reconvene at 10am tomorrow.
10:35The plan's working, Misty.
10:37Operation Get-Rimmer-Officerhood-Power-and-Eminence,
10:40or GROPE for short, is bang on course.
10:44So that information that gave him the drive plates worked then?
10:46Yes, sir.
10:47That captain's face.
10:49He couldn't have been happier if I'd given him two girls
10:51wrestling in a giant vat of baked beans,
10:53then removed the girls and handed him a spoon.
10:57His little beans are pleased.
10:58And get this.
10:59He's invited me to supper with the movers and the shakers.
11:01The movers and the shakers?
11:03You're going to supper with some removal men
11:05and a group of people suffering from Parkinson's disease?
11:09At last I'll be able to exercise my father's disapproval.
11:12Those terrible sneery looks he used to give me
11:15as he stood on the touchline watching me
11:17captain the school skipping team.
11:20He was never proud of me.
11:22What other father would claim to have an alibi
11:24for his sperm on the night of conception?
11:28But who cares now?
11:29Not me, Misty.
11:30I'm on my way.
11:31Up the ziggurat, lickety-split.
11:33Well, don't forget your part of the deal.
11:35The override code for this so I can leg it.
11:37It's too soon. I'm not an officer yet.
11:40The trial begins tomorrow, man.
11:42Without the nanobots,
11:43our defence has got more holes than my socks.
11:46But once you've legged it, where does that leave me?
11:48I'm not helping you escaping
11:49and losing all my insider knowledge.
11:51I'm not an officer yet.
11:52Whoa!
11:53We shook hands on a deal.
11:55Yeah, but, Listie, you know me.
11:57My handshake's less reliable than a plumber's estimate.
12:01No escape hole.
12:02No more info.
12:04Listie,
12:05it's not going to help you.
12:08I've got the confidential files.
12:11Plus,
12:12I went through Starbug's salvage
12:14and I found these.
12:17The McVirus.
12:18Sexual magnetism.
12:19Positive viruses.
12:21Holly told me everything.
12:24Take some of this,
12:25it gives you luck.
12:26And this
12:27gives you sexual magnetism.
12:29I've already tried some.
12:31Right now, Yvonne Magruder
12:32is sleeping off the first 23 pages
12:34of the Karma Sutra.
12:40Oh,
12:41you're an agent on the deal, then?
12:42Breaking your promise?
12:43Being a total scum-sucking,
12:45two-faced, weasel-y weasel?
12:47Ah, my entry in Who's Who.
12:54You left some of your luck behind, man.
12:56I touched the tube.
13:04Sheer luck.
13:08Yes!
13:10You may, if you prefer,
13:11stand with the others tomorrow
13:12and face the charges against you.
13:14However,
13:15I advise that you have
13:16your corrupted files repaired,
13:18after which you may go free.
13:20What is your decision?
13:29Oh, it's no good.
13:33OK, let's all stay calm.
13:35No need to be alarmed.
13:36Our fool Crichton is merely
13:37holding us hostage,
13:38which is lovely,
13:39isn't it, everyone?
13:40We don't want any trouble.
13:41We'll just do what you say.
13:44Come on, then.
13:45Come with me.
13:46Paula, inside, inside, that's it.
13:48Come on, all of you,
13:49quick, quick, quick, quick.
13:50Here we go.
13:51That's it.
13:52Now,
13:53I want you to take down your pants
13:55and sit on a toilet.
13:57Oh, my God.
13:58He's mad.
13:59Then what are you going to do to us?
14:01I'm going to look at you.
14:05He's totally mad.
14:07Just
14:08do what he says.
14:09Lovely.
14:30Now I want you to ask me the question again.
14:32What question?
14:34Do I want to have my corrupted files repaired?
14:37Do you want to have your corrupted files repaired?
14:45No.
14:46I didn't.
14:47No.
14:48No, I don't.
14:50The answer to the question is no.
14:52No doubt about it.
14:53I do not want to have my corrupted files repaired.
14:56The answer is no.
15:08And you just put in any old code you felt like
15:11and the luck virus made you pick the right one.
15:13It's brilliant.
15:14It just rubbed me finger off the top of the tube.
15:16That's brilliant.
15:17That's just brilliant.
15:19It's a pity you didn't do the same with the sexual magnetism.
15:22That's a pity you didn't do the same with the sexual magnetism.
15:38Is that new shirt?
15:40No.
15:41I've had it a while.
15:43Oh, it's really nice.
15:45Thanks.
15:46It's really, really nice.
15:47It really suits you.
15:48Thanks.
15:50Brings out the roundness in your eyes.
16:12Oh, God, David, I'm so sorry.
16:15Oh, I don't know what happened there.
16:17I think I do.
16:19I've had some sexual magnetism virus on this hand,
16:22but the luck virus cured it for me.
16:26I don't know what got into me.
16:28Well, nothing, sadly.
16:47Hello, I'm the data doctor.
16:50If you would like me to examine your hard disk, press examine.
16:56Your mechanoid appears to have developed the following rogue emotions.
17:01Affection, arrogance, envy, guilt, humour, insecurity,
17:06petulance, possessiveness, snobbery, and love.
17:10If you wish to eradicate these emotions from his database, press fix.
17:18LAUGHTER
17:28All bad line blocks and corrupted personality disks have now been fixed.
17:33Please reboot your mechanoid.
17:35His personality has now been restored to its factory settings.
17:40My name is Krypton.
17:42I am programmed to serve.
17:44Can I be of service?
17:46Bring me a coffee, please, Krypton.
17:48Certainly, ma'am.
17:51Then you may scrub the floor.
17:54Yes, ma'am.
17:57Are you happy, Krypton?
18:00I have no understanding of human emotions, ma'am.
18:03I am programmed to serve.
18:05Excellent.
18:09I'm going to be Colin Charisma at the captain's supper with his stuff.
18:17Ah!
18:22Hi.
18:26Hi.
18:29And if we approach light speed, I think we have to be aware
18:32we could come across something I believe we'll experience
18:35called future echoes.
18:41Certain pockets of...futury things.
18:46Future.
18:48Fascinating.
18:50What a fascinating man you are, Mr Rimmer.
18:52I think we've greatly underestimated you over the years, Arnold.
18:56Now, let me find out where that coffee is.
18:59Oh, no, Captain, please allow me.
19:01Perhaps you could help me, Mr Rimmer?
19:05Why, certainly.
19:07And perhaps we can talk about my theory on backwards universes.
19:11And, of course, in a backwards universe,
19:13many things start to make more sense.
19:17Oh, my God, you are sexy.
19:20So very, very sexy!
19:30Bravo, bud. What now?
19:32Well, we find Krypton, get to the London Bay,
19:35grab a ship and get the hell out of town.
19:37He's on this floor.
19:41Here he is.
19:43Crikey, come on.
19:45Are you addressing me, sir?
19:47I don't believe we've had the pleasure.
19:49What have they done to you, Krypton?
19:51Is that like Noel Coward's elocution teacher?
19:54Well, if you'll forgive me, sir, I have my duties to perform.
19:57Good day.
19:59Oh, they've fixed all his corruptive files.
20:01He mustn't have been able to say no.
20:04Someone's coming.
20:06We've got to get a better disguise.
20:08We already got a disguise.
20:10What's the point of disguise if you wear it under your normal outfit?
20:13A brave overseer? You think I'm going to wear this on the outside?
20:19Look, we're not leaving without him.
20:22I don't care what they've done to him, he's coming with us.
20:25He's part of the posse.
20:27Hey, I've got a great idea for a new disguise.
20:33What?
20:35The Ghibli family!
20:39APPLAUSE
20:42Yes!
21:00Ah, there you are.
21:09Any...news on the coffee?
21:14Grant, we forgot.
21:18I'll find out right away, sir.
21:20I'll give you a hand, Mr...
21:35Sorry to interrupt, sir.
21:37We're searching this floor for the escaped prisoners.
21:40Sorry, we haven't seen them.
21:42It's just me, my wife here and my brother.
21:45Hello. Hi. Hi.
21:47I don't recollect seeing you guys before.
21:50That's because we don't go out much looking like this.
21:54What do you guys do?
21:56Computer programmers.
22:01Well, if you see anything suspicious, call security, OK?
22:05Oh, you bet.
22:07Begging your pardon, sirs, I just need to get a mop.
22:11How peculiar. My mop heads are missing.
22:15Don't I know you, sir?
22:17Wayne. Wayne something.
22:20Wayne Wibbly.
22:22Where do I know you from?
22:24No, no, sir, you're mistaken.
22:26You're mixing me up with some other big-teeth dork.
22:29No, no, let him speak. Where do you know him from?
22:32Where do you know him from? Think.
22:35I feel I'm about to discover something wonderful.
22:38But when I discover it, it will put someone in great danger.
22:43I feel an emotion.
22:45I feel two emotions.
22:47Two different emotions. I feel... I feel...
22:50Ambivalent.
22:52I can feel my files corrupting.
22:54They're corrupting. I...
22:56Oh! Oh!
22:58Oh, yes, that's good.
23:02I'm back. And I'm bad.
23:04Obviously within certain sensible preset parameters.
23:08Attention, attention.
23:10Reported prisoner sighting on C deck.
23:12Reported prisoner sighting on C deck.
23:15Nice one, Holm.
23:19What's wrong with you?
23:21Do you get the impression this is too easy?
23:23Like everything's going for us.
23:25Like they almost want us to escape.
23:27Hey, I was just thinking aloud.
23:29No, no, the look virus. It's helping us.
23:40Put your kit on.
23:54Here we are. Remember the coffee at last.
23:59What about the mints?
24:04I'll go.
24:07Would you like to help me, Mr Rimmer?
24:12It's just, I've got so much coffee,
24:14I don't think I can manage to get any mints until tomorrow.
24:22Well, psychotropic testing should be well underway by now.
24:26Those results sure are going to be interesting.
24:29Psychotropic what?
24:31The list of cases is so unusual
24:33that I decided to invoke my right to use psychotropic evidence.
24:36The accused are drugged, wired to a mainframe.
24:40Then the computer feeds in various hypothetical scenarios
24:44and their reactions are laid down on tape.
24:47Right now they believe they're escaping,
24:49but we just want to observe what they do.
24:52So that means that if anyone happens to mention
24:55any special agreements that they've entered into,
24:59then...
25:01Could you excuse me? I think I've left the iron on.
25:11Hi. What is wrong with me?
25:13I've got the sexual appetite of a mountain lion.
25:16No worse. First-year nursing student.
25:18It's being wanted. It's such an aphrodisiac.
25:20Got to get some control back.
25:25Oh, my God.
25:55Oh, my God.
25:57Oh!
26:23Never realized you were so damn popular with the ladies.
26:26Maybe you can share your secret sometime.
26:28Yes, sir.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:52WHISTLE BLOWS
26:54Guys, we've got a match.
26:56Oh, sugar, I see you. Go on, find some escape.
26:58Then you'll never get past security, so go on.
27:00Go on!
27:02MUSIC PLAYS
27:28MUSIC CONTINUES
27:58MUSIC STOPS
28:02EXPLOSION