• 5 months ago
"The Thin Blue Line" is a British television sitcom that aired from 1995 to 1996. Created and written by Ben Elton, the show stars Rowan Atkinson as Inspector Raymond Fowler, the quirky and old-fashioned head of the fictional Gasforth police station. The sitcom revolves around the comedic interactions and misadventures of the police officers at the station, combining satire and slapstick humor. Atkinson's character, Fowler, is notable for his bumbling yet well-meaning nature, and the series explores themes of law enforcement, bureaucracy, and the often absurd aspects of police work. "The Thin Blue Line" is remembered for its witty writing, memorable characters, and Atkinson's comedic performance.

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Fun
Transcript
00:30Right, that concludes this morning's briefing.
00:33Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
00:35And never forget that in the grand order of life, there are but two forces.
00:40Those of order and those of chaos.
00:44And between them, there lies us, the thin blue line.
00:48So that's three forces, then.
00:52Two forces, Constable Goody, as I've explained, the forces of order and of chaos.
00:56Yes, and us in the middle, the police force.
01:01Yes, I think we'd better pick this up again later. You're all due out of action.
01:06Dear, oh, dear, Raymond, why do you blue bottles bother?
01:11The uniform, Constable, is obsolete.
01:14Extinct. Like the doo-doo.
01:20Computers, sir. That's where it's all rocking, innit?
01:23That's right, Cray.
01:25In the shadowy electronic alleyways of the internet,
01:29a new type of villain lurks.
01:32Right. How is our investigation into stolen credit cards going?
01:36All in the computer, sir.
01:38The way to stop credit cards being stolen is for people to take care of their property.
01:43I'd like to meet the man who could get inside my trousers.
01:47What is more, my officers are far from being doo-doos.
01:50Or, indeed, do-doos.
01:52They are, in fact, first-rate.
01:55They have a sharp eye, swift of thought, and regular of bowel.
02:00They don't need computers to solve crimes because they have brains, Grim, remember them?
02:06Now, Bobby's best friend is his brain.
02:13Well, it's pretty clear. They got in through the window.
02:16Unless, of course, the window was broken after the villains gained entry broken from within.
02:23You mean an inside job?
02:24Well, you've got to admit it, we don't fit.
02:25What? That he robbed his own flat?
02:27Exactly. Insurance claim, Maggie, it's a nice little...
02:31All the glass is on the inside, Kevin.
02:33Do you reckon that after he smashed it, he went outside, picked up all the bits, and brought them back in?
02:41It's possible.
02:43His fingers are cut up, we've got our man.
02:46Get your notebook, okay?
02:47Yes, yes, yes.
02:49Now then, sir, I know you're upset.
02:51Whoops!
02:53Kevin!
02:56I think you've got some idea of what's been taken and their value.
02:58What's been taken? My self-respect? My peace of mind? My sense of well-being?
03:06Could you describe these items, please, sir?
03:11They are beyond value!
03:13Told you, mega insurance claim.
03:16And what are you lot going to do? This has ruined my life!
03:19We'll do our best, sir, but the clear-up rate for burglars is so...
03:22I don't know why I even bothered calling you lot out. You're about as much use as a Tintag in a jockstrap.
03:31Name?
03:32Can't remember.
03:35Mr. R. So...
03:41I mean, the bloke was devastated. Everything he had had been defiled.
03:45Photos smashed, clothes torn.
03:48They even did a whoopsie in his goldfish bowl.
03:51And there's nothing we can do.
03:52You can fish it out.
03:56You've got to learn to walk away. It's more to life than being a copper.
04:00I don't know how you can say that. You're virtually married to the force going out with Inspector Fowler.
04:04He doesn't care about anything but the police.
04:07Oh, I'm sorry, Pat. I didn't mean that...
04:09I know very well what you meant, Maggie.
04:11And you're wrong. Raymond has a deep and romantic soul.
04:19I think I've got a slow puncture.
04:23Oh, well, another evening spread out on the kitchen table, wrestling with my inner tube.
04:30We've been together ten years, Maggie.
04:32It can't all be candlelit dinner jars of Vaseline and double-jointed sexual gymnastics.
04:38My turn to cook tonight, I think, darling.
04:40I thought I might make rissoles.
04:43Actually, tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of our relationship,
04:46and I'm going to surprise him with a special breakfast.
04:49Or perhaps a nice bit of bloater.
04:55Wake up, Raymond. Breakfast.
04:57What? Oh, bless my twinkling stars, Patricia.
05:02What's all this? Oh, well, well.
05:05Coffee? Toast?
05:07Toast? Or something which at some point has certainly been toast.
05:13And scrambled egg, if I'm not mistaken.
05:16You are. I'm afraid it's a waffle.
05:23People worry too much about how food looks.
05:25I mean, what's it going to look like after it's worked its way through 28 feet of small intestine?
05:31Well, quite.
05:35Hmm. Perhaps a smidgen too much salt.
05:38There isn't any salt in it. I'm afraid there is.
05:41Well, in that case, I put sugar on your bacon and eggs.
05:45Those Habitat serving jars I put everything in.
05:48You can't tell one thing from another.
05:51Well, I can never force much down in the morning anyway.
05:54Except perhaps a cup of coffee.
05:56Well, it's only instant.
05:59In this case, instant gravy.
06:05Another mix-up with the serving jars, I fear, my darling.
06:08Oh, well, never mind.
06:10All in all, it was a very nice, um, uh, thought.
06:16I can't imagine what moved you to such a splendid gesture.
06:19Can't you?
06:21Um...
06:23No, no, no, I fear not.
06:25But it's much appreciated anyway.
06:27Now, I really must rush.
06:29I have a small gift item to pick up before work.
06:32Oh, Peachy, you did remember.
06:37Well, of course I remembered, Cabbage.
06:41I always remember the important things.
06:46Cutting edge of technology.
06:48Cutting edge of fannying about.
06:50What's wrong with a biro? That's what I say.
06:53I've booted up and I've patched in.
06:55I'm online, offline, downloaded and extremely cheesed off.
07:01You need to integrate your power supply at Salsa.
07:04What?
07:06Plug it in.
07:11And so, to the topic of the day,
07:13we're taking a look at what's going on
07:16And so, to the topic of the day, which is pickpocketing.
07:20Oh, by the way, I'll just leave the collecting tin
07:22for the Queen's birthday present here, shall I?
07:25About three pounds apiece should cover it.
07:27Excuse me, sir. I didn't quite catch that.
07:30The collecting tin for the Queen's official birthday,
07:33which is next week.
07:35Well, of course, you all knew that.
07:38We are members of Her Majesty's police force.
07:42The Queen is, in effect, our boss.
07:45And compared to many bosses, she is a model employer.
07:49She does not attempt to kiss the secretaries at the Christmas party.
07:54She does not insist on having the best coffee mug
07:57or hogging all the chocolate hobnobs.
08:01She's had a pretty rotten time a bit of late
08:03and I thought it'd be a nice thing to show her that she's appreciated.
08:06Personally, I think celebrating birthdays at work is a bad idea.
08:10Yes. Well, on this occasion...
08:12I mean, that awful business of going for a curry
08:15with people you either don't know or you don't like.
08:18Yes. Yes. Well...
08:19And there is nothing to do but drink.
08:22So before you know it, you're doing the old elephant impression.
08:26And everyone else in the restaurant hates you
08:28because, quite frankly, they couldn't give a flying hoo-ha
08:31whether the birthday girl lives or dies.
08:35Well, I was really thinking of taking Her Majesty for a curry.
08:40What's your elephant impression, Frank?
08:43Well, you put your trousers pocket inside out, you see?
08:46And then you...
08:48Thank you.
08:50I have, in fact, already taken the liberty of purchasing her a gift.
08:55A small porcelain figurine...
08:59of a young lad fishing.
09:04Well, the collecting tin is there, as I say. It's very much up to you.
09:08I don't want to buy the Queen a present, sir.
09:11She's an antichrist.
09:17I beg your pardon?
09:20Oh, no, I mean anarchist.
09:25No, no.
09:26What's that word for someone who's out of date and doesn't matter any more?
09:29I think you mean an anachronism.
09:31Yes, that's right. The Queen's an anachronism.
09:33I thought that was someone who was scared of spiders.
09:36No, no, that's an arachnophobic.
09:38I thought that was a person who was scared of wide open spaces.
09:41No, that's agoraphobics. They can't handle going outside.
09:44Arachnophobics hate spiders.
09:46Look, look, we're talking about the Queen.
09:49Is the Queen scared of spiders?
09:52Well, you wouldn't have thought someone was beginning to look that way.
09:55Perhaps that's why she's scared to go outside.
10:00Can you spare Habib a moment?
10:02Yes, of course. Carry on, Constable.
10:06Thank you, darling.
10:08Not darling. Inspector darling.
10:13Sorry.
10:14Sorry. I'm just so happy, so excited.
10:17Will you give it me after work?
10:24Possibly. I don't know.
10:27Don't spoil it. I only get one once a year and I want it to be a surprise.
10:37No, sir. I'm afraid we haven't made any progress at all.
10:40I'm very sorry.
10:41People don't matter any more, do they?
10:43I didn't matter to the bloke who robbed me and I don't matter to you.
10:47Sir, please.
10:50We really are trying.
10:52So, pickpocketing.
10:55Come on, come on, come on, come on.
10:58A crime which has traditionally been looked upon with some indulgence.
11:02We have all seen the musical Oliver
11:05and are familiar with the images of jolly apple-cheeked urchins in big hats.
11:12Well, dispel this cosy impression.
11:14The artful Dodger was a thief.
11:18And I don't think he'd have considered himself quite so at home
11:23in a juvenile detention centre, which is where I'd have put him.
11:27Thieving is thieving.
11:30Thieving is thieving.
11:32And no amount of um-pa-pa or boom-titty-titty will tell you that.
11:37An Englishman's pockets are his castle.
11:40More like a pocket billiard room.
11:43Detective Constable Cray,
11:45there is a place for fatuous, flippant, would-be humourous inanities.
11:49And that place is on Noel's house party.
11:55Not in a police station.
11:57Yes, sir.
11:59Right, so let's see how it's done.
12:01Step forward, Constable Goody.
12:06Walk towards me.
12:08Oops, I do beg your pardon.
12:09Oh, it's quite all right, sir.
12:11Not all right for you, I fear, Goody,
12:14because I have relieved you of the contents of your pocket.
12:17In this case, a Mars bar.
12:21Constable Goody, a Mars bar is scarcely police equipment, is it?
12:26No, sir.
12:27No, sir, indeed, sir.
12:29Are there any other items of confectionery secreted about your person?
12:36No, sir.
12:39And by that you mean...?
12:42I've got a Curly Wurly in my truncheon pocket.
12:47Well, that gets ditted out before it melts and soils the Queen's trousers.
12:52It's not going to melt, is it? So it's going to get eaten.
12:55By a jandling Jehovah, it is not.
12:57I've never heard of such a thing.
12:59I will not have my officers gorging themselves whilst I'm duly handed over.
13:04Now sit down.
13:07Now, let's see if any of you can pick my pocket.
13:15You're not going to do the elephant in that, are you?
13:19I couldn't believe it. Making me fish my Curly Wurly out of my trousers.
13:24He's going potty, he is, you know.
13:26Fancy rushing out before work to buy a present for the Queen.
13:29But she never gives him anything.
13:33Trying to trace missing credit cards?
13:35Yeah, the deals are being done with stolen credit.
13:37Yeah, yeah. Pepperoni.
13:41Anchovies.
13:43Spicy sausages.
13:45Anchovies.
13:47Spicy sausage and chilli.
13:49Constable Craig, this is a bleeding Nick, not a bleeding cafeteria.
13:52Nothing for you then, sir?
13:54No, nothing for me.
13:56Just a bit of cheesecake and a can of diet milk.
14:03Oh, come on.
14:05You've been going on about this all morning.
14:07He only pinched your Mars bar.
14:09It was for her.
14:11What?
14:12That Mars bar was for the most beautiful, the most gorgeous woman who ever walked the Earth.
14:18You bought Gloria Honey for a Mars bar?
14:23Constable Habib. I bought Constable Habib a Mars bar.
14:26She likes Mars bars. I saw her eating one once.
14:28Oh, I've seen her eating sausage, egg, chips and beans.
14:30That doesn't mean if you buy her a fry-up, you'll get your leg over.
14:35No, no, no, no, no. Maggie Habib's not a little girl.
14:38You can't win her with sweets.
14:40She's a woman.
14:42And if you want to impress a woman, you have to act like a man.
14:46Act like a man.
14:47That's right, sir.
14:49She won't take any notice of you unless you're firm.
14:53That's how I treated my wife.
14:55Firm.
14:58One day I said to her,
15:00if I feel like stopping all drinking, I will.
15:02And what's more, I expect my dinner on the table when I get home.
15:06She took notice of that, did she?
15:08I don't know. I never saw her again.
15:14Engaged again.
15:16What's the point of belonging to the emergency lost credit card instant speedy hotline
15:22if whenever you ring them, they're engaged?
15:27Raymond, have you bought a birthday present for the Queen?
15:31Yes. Is there a problem?
15:33When did you last buy me a present?
15:35Why, on your last birthday, I believe.
15:37A set of reversible spanners is not a present.
15:41It is a coded request to get a smack in the mouth.
15:44You idiot, Raymond.
15:46Police stations don't send loyal greetings to the monarch anymore.
15:50The Queen and her whole family have become a joke.
15:52You've only got to read the papers.
15:55Get on with your work, Constable.
15:57I do not read the papers, Patricia.
15:59And therefore I do not suffer from the illusion that rumour, innuendo and downright cheek constitute news.
16:05If you want to read something, then read a book.
16:08For there is more that is true and relevant in one page of Scott or Thackeray than in every newspaper ever printed.
16:15You haven't read any Walter Scott in years.
16:18Or any flippin' Thackeray.
16:20You read Biggles books!
16:22And you make slapping noises in your cocoa while you do it!
16:35Is that true, sir?
16:37Well, I don't know.
16:39Perhaps the tiniest gurgle.
16:42No, I mean, do you still read Biggles?
16:44That's what my little brother's reading at the moment.
16:46Then he could do a very great deal worse.
16:49Because even Biggles has much to tell us that is true.
16:53About loyalty, courage, honour...
16:57Gay love.
16:58Yes.
17:02I beg your pardon.
17:03Of course, sir.
17:04Biggles and Ginger are lovers.
17:05It's absolutely obvious.
17:07I think it's great they were.
17:09They make such a positive image of a homosexual partnership.
17:17Biggles and Ginger are comrades, Constable Habib.
17:24Comrades in arms.
17:26Exactly.
17:29I am stunned, Constable Habib.
17:30Absolutely stunned.
17:31And indeed distressed.
17:32That you choose to apply such a crass and puerile sexual connotation to innocent adventure yarns.
17:38Oh, come on, sir.
17:39They're grown men.
17:40They must have a sexual life, but neither of them ever mention women.
17:44They bunk together, breakfast together.
17:46Biggles is always squeezing himself into Ginger's...
17:48Cockpit.
17:51It's obvious.
17:53It's the same with Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson.
17:58Two blokes sharing a flat.
18:00Sometimes it's months between cases.
18:02What do they get up to in the meantime?
18:06They chat.
18:09They smoke their pipes.
18:12They poke the fire.
18:18Look, sir.
18:19If Holmes and Watson are lovers, so what?
18:21Is there anything wrong with that?
18:23Yes, Constable, there is.
18:25Because sex plays no part in these stories whatsoever.
18:29Hetero or otherwise.
18:31The point of Biggles and of Sherlock Holmes is to solve crimes and kill Germans.
18:37And by heaven, that should be enough for any man.
18:46I'm taking up a collection for the Queen's birthday present.
18:49Look, Raymond, you may have time for fannying about with presents and Biggles.
18:54Me and my officers are up to our necks in important detective work.
18:58My officers and I.
19:01What about?
19:03Nothing about them. I'm simply informing you that the phrase is my officers and I, not me and my officers.
19:09Is that so?
19:11Well, me and my officers are on the brink of tracking down a bank raid gang via credit card transactions,
19:18which is, I think, a bit more important than fannying about and speaking hoity-toity.
19:24The rules of grammar, hoity-toity or otherwise, are there so that meaningful sentences can be formed
19:30and, more importantly, generally understood.
19:32Start stringing words together willy-nilly and it can lead to no end of confusion.
19:36Constable Gray, lend me your notebook.
19:38Look here.
19:39The criminal ran round my side and out the back at a colossal lick.
19:45Jumble up the words and suddenly you have the criminal licked out my colossal round backside and ran.
19:52Is that so?
19:55Well, try these words in a different order.
19:57Bugger and off.
20:00I mean, off and bugger.
20:09Now, remember what I said, Kevin. Act like a man. Be firm, be masterful.
20:13So, basically, just be myself.
20:21Hey, you!
20:22Jaywalking is a crime. Get back on the pavement. Get back on the pavement.
20:27I'm sorry. Would you mind telling me what...
20:29Hang on a minute. Pickpocket.
20:31Not this time.
20:40Crime's a disease. Meet the cure.
20:43That's my grandson. He's helping me carry my shopping.
20:47Squash my plums, Granny.
20:50Don't be silly, love. I didn't buy any plums.
20:57Hello? Is that the emergency lost credit card in St Speedy Hotline?
21:02Yes, I can hold.
21:08Hello? Yes.
21:10Yes, I'd like to report the loss of my credit cards.
21:13First, however, I should like to point out that the words emergency, instant and speedy have no place in your company title.
21:23Infuriating, yes. Tawdry, certainly.
21:25Absolutely blinking outrageous. Oh, I think so.
21:28No, madam, I will not accept your apology because I do not believe that you mean it.
21:32I believe that you are indifferent to the fact that I've just had to listen to the Mull of Kintyre seven times.
21:40Hello? Hello?
21:44Sir, I've traced that missing credit card.
21:49You're going to love this.
21:53Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
22:03That was the worst briefed I have ever been on.
22:05It was like being on patrol with a flipping two-year-old.
22:08Look, he was a funny-looking old bloke hanging around at a school gate.
22:12I had to collar him.
22:14Kevin, he was a lollipop man.
22:17Just keep out of my way for a while, OK?
22:22That's it. I'm just wasting me time.
22:25I think I'm going to pack it in. I'm going to leave the force.
22:28I've just had a call from the fire brigade. They're in the high street.
22:31A man is threatening suicide from the ledge of a tall building.
22:33I'm going to attend the scene myself.
22:35Well, that'll make him jump. Nothing else does.
22:39Habib, I may require a woman officer. Kindly come with me.
22:42Yes, sir.
22:46Oh, I reckon she hates me now.
22:49I reckon she thinks I'm a pranit.
22:51Oh, yeah? How did you work that out, then?
22:53Well, it was something she said.
22:55She said, I hate you, Kevin. I think you're a pranit.
22:58Look, you've got to grovel a bit, haven't you? The birds love it.
23:02You've got to say, listen, doll, I was a real pillock.
23:05Then bung her the champagne and the choccies and steam in for the bunker.
23:09Right. Champagne and chocolates.
23:12Yeah, gets them every time, doesn't it?
23:14The draw-dropper. The knicker-stripper.
23:20Excuse me, sir. Would you mind coming in off this ledge?
23:24Oh! Oh, you care about me now, do you?
23:28Nobody respects me. Nobody cares about me. I'm a nothing.
23:32A nobody. Friendless and alone.
23:36But the same thing could be said about the Prime Minister.
23:41And he leads a full and active life.
23:44Give me one good reason not to jump!
23:47All right, I will.
23:49That is a public pavement down there.
23:52Others have to use that pavement.
23:55And they should not be required to circumnavigate your pureed person in order to do so.
24:00May I speak to him, sir?
24:02Oh, very well. I seem to have exhausted my powers of persuasion.
24:08Ron, remember me? You say nobody cares about you.
24:11That's a lie. I decided to leave the police today.
24:15Because of you. And how we could do nothing to help.
24:18Is that true?
24:20Yes, Constable Habib, isn't it true?
24:22It was true. But I can see now it would just be running away.
24:26Just like you're running away now.
24:29The bloke who did your house over isn't going to make me run.
24:32And you shouldn't let him make you either.
24:34He took your video, but he can't take your spirit.
24:38You have to give that away yourself.
24:43For God's sake, man, what are you waiting for?
24:45I've never heard anything so well put in my entire life.
24:48Get off that ledge this instant.
24:53I was extremely proud of you today, Constable Habib.
24:56It wasn't your fault the silly fool jumped.
25:01Inspector Fowler, you are under arrest.
25:05I beg your pardon, Inspector Grim.
25:07A credit card belonging to you has been used to hire a car
25:10which was subsequently deployed in a drug deal.
25:13You know damn well that my pocket was picked.
25:15My credit cards were taken.
25:17Is that so? Well, it hasn't been reported stolen, has it, Greg?
25:21No, sir.
25:22So when did you discover the loss of this credit card, then, sir?
25:25Well, this morning at the briefing.
25:27And yet you still haven't reported it eight hours later?
25:30Well, I've been trying. They were engaged.
25:36How's it feel to have someone being a bit clever
25:39and hoity-toity with you for a change, Raymond?
25:43You've got the bloke who nicked your card and the drugs, innit?
25:46It's going to look pretty amusing when it comes up on your statement.
25:49A stolen car plus half a pound of heroin.
25:53You'd be a bit more careful in future.
25:57Yes, thank you, Derek, I will.
25:59Inspector Grim, there's been another burglary.
26:02Sergeant Dawkins Alf, and do I have to tell you,
26:05I'm a detective, Inspector. I don't bother with burglaries.
26:08Get uniformed to go.
26:10All right. Constable Habib, Inspector Grim's house has just been burgled.
26:14Oh, it's gone, gone, gone!
26:18I wonder if he'll lose his self-esteem and try and kill himself.
26:21He will when he realises it was a hoax.
26:23Do you know, sometimes I just can't read my own handwriting.
26:27He was extremely wrong of you, Patricia.
26:30But he was probably going home anyway.
26:33Thank you.
26:34Stuff it.
26:37I'm afraid Sergeant Dawkins isn't very pleased with you, Inspector.
26:40The tenth anniversary of our relationship and you didn't get me anything.
26:44Well, I don't know why he sets such store-bought presents anyway, Pat.
26:48Personally, I hate the way a man thinks.
26:50When he's acted like a complete berk,
26:52he can make it all right with a few choccies and a bottle of champagne.
26:57Well, I'd love a man who bought me choccies and champagne.
27:00Well, maybe for an anniversary.
27:02But any bloke who thought he could buy my affections like that,
27:05I'd get a punch in the mouth.
27:07What's wrong, Kevin?
27:09And what are you hiding behind your back?
27:11Nothing.
27:13Nothing?
27:15Nothing?
27:16That is, except the chocolates and champagne,
27:19which I asked you to get for me while I was out at the suicide attempt.
27:23Isn't that right, Goody?
27:31Well, hand them over then, laddie.
27:34We can settle up later.
27:40Well, now, cabbage.
27:43I have to confess that I'm more than little hurt
27:46that you could think I would forget our anniversary.
27:48Perhaps sometimes you forget that I have feelings too.
27:52I'm sorry, Peachy.
27:56To darling Maggie.
28:01Felt with one G and a Y.
28:03Sorry about arresting the lollipop man.
28:06Any chance of a bunk-up? Love, Kevin.
28:13Hey!
28:20Do you think we got away with it?
28:42THE END

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