The Thin Blue Line (1995) S02E05 "Come on You Blues" | British sitcom [720p]
"The Thin Blue Line," released in 1995, is a British sitcom created and written by Ben Elton. The show is set in the fictional English town of Gasforth and follows the comedic antics of the local police force. Starring Rowan Atkinson as Inspector Raymond Fowler, the series portrays the humorous day-to-day activities and relationships of the officers, including the strict Sergeant Patricia Dawkins (played by Serena Evans) and the dim-witted Constable Kevin Goody (played by James Dreyfus). Known for its witty dialogue and satirical take on police procedures, "The Thin Blue Line" combines slapstick humor with sharp social commentary, making it a beloved classic in British television comedy.
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00:01Good evening, everybody.
00:04Play up, play up, and play the game.
00:08Kipling said that if you can meet triumph and disaster
00:12and treat them just the same,
00:15then you will be a man.
00:19These days, of course, he would have to say person.
00:23Which doesn't even scan.
00:26But nobody bothers about that sort of thing any more, of course.
00:31Nonetheless, Kipling's message is needed more today than it ever was.
00:36Because sport, as we shall see, is like a half-sucked sweet.
00:42Not what it used to be.
00:55Sorry.
00:57I love football.
00:59There's so many aspects to the modern game.
01:03The beer.
01:05The crisps.
01:07The dirty songs.
01:09Just savouring the pre-match atmosphere.
01:13BURP
01:16Do you mind?
01:17I think we could do without your pre-match atmosphere.
01:20Oh, I love a good burp, me.
01:22A really good, chewy one.
01:25A big, solid, beer-flavoured belch.
01:29A really huge, tongue-twanging, mouthful of gas and dinner.
01:35Nothing like it, especially at the footy.
01:37Gladiators is my sport.
01:41I love it. Such thighs.
01:45Colossal thighs.
01:47They could crack nuts with those thighs.
01:50In Wolf's case, his own.
01:54Oh, yes, I'm going to go in for it one day,
01:56when I've pumped enough iron to fill my leotard.
02:00I've already got my name.
02:02Love Muscle.
02:05Yes, football is boring compared to gladiators.
02:08Football is not boring.
02:11It's the reason God made Saturday afternoons.
02:13Football is just a socially sanitised, homoerotic ritual.
02:18Socially san...
02:19What nonsense, Constable Habib.
02:21Is there no trendy leftist theorem which you will not uncritically embrace?
02:26Some American feminists think sport was invented
02:29so that men could avoid confronting their sexuality.
02:33Some American feminists think that phoning a woman
02:35while she's having an afternoon nap constitutes assault.
02:39Homoerotic ritual?
02:41Coconuts and custard.
02:44On what evidence is such an appalling generalisation based?
02:47Well, I think it's obvious.
02:49For instance, Gary plays football every Sunday.
02:52Now, what do you do after the game, Gary?
02:56Well, let me think.
02:58We all get in the bath together.
03:00Right.
03:01Oh, and I suppose you're suggesting that men bathing together
03:04must be by definition a sexual act.
03:06What a sad world it has become.
03:08Sometimes I despair, I really do.
03:10I think we should let him finish, sir.
03:13Well, we have a bit of a splash and a bit of a sing-song, you know.
03:17The air's on a Dickie Dido, tits out for the lads.
03:22All the classics.
03:24And then after that there's a towel fight.
03:26You beat each other with wet towels.
03:28Well, you've got to have a flick, haven't you?
03:31Then we all get in the pub,
03:32pour a load of beer over each other's heads
03:34and sing more songs about lovely saucy birds.
03:37And are any lovely saucy birds actually present at this point?
03:40Get out of it, it's a lads thing, isn't it?
03:43Anyway, when we're well sorted,
03:45we'd probably take our trousers off, hang them over a lamppost,
03:48and if it's been a really good night,
03:49fall over in a puddle of vom on the way home.
03:51There you go.
03:52Blokes singing about women,
03:54but actually wallowing in their own naked excess.
03:57It's transparent suppressed homoeroticism.
03:59As long as it gets you pissed.
04:02Constable Habib,
04:03do you think that the gay sexual community
04:06would thank you for categorising their particular sexual preference
04:09as the act of a disgusting, puerile, drunken oaf like Boyle?
04:14Steady on.
04:15Your mistake, Constable Habib,
04:17is to seek a sexual explanation for the simple truth
04:20that men understand football,
04:22but they rarely understand women.
04:24Oh, that's very true, sir.
04:26Even the Dutch game is a picture of simplicity and clarity
04:30compared to the mind of a woman.
04:33I mean, I could demonstrate the mechanics of the oafs
04:35I trapped to you,
04:36but I couldn't tell you why all the women I have ever loved
04:40say to me,
04:41I've got a fat bottom.
04:43And then I say,
04:44yes, I like it.
04:46They truly do not mean?
04:49Lying about a girl's bottom is part of a man's duties.
04:52It makes up for never putting the toilet seat down
04:54and not replacing the loo roll when it's empty.
04:57Well, explain this, then.
04:59What is it about the inability of women to get out the house?
05:03What?
05:04You heard.
05:05Why can't women ever get out of the house?
05:09I say, Tina,
05:11we are leaving at 7.30.
05:14That is 7.30.
05:15Not a quarter to eight.
05:17Next year,
05:18not in another lifetime when we've come back as a couple of insects
05:21which only live for a day,
05:23which she'd spend in the bathroom,
05:25putting mascara on her antennae
05:29and trying to stick 300 contact lenses into her multiple eyes
05:35and lipstick in her spiracles
05:39and blonde in her follicles.
05:41Yes, the kick-off is actually...
05:43I shall come home, Tina!
05:46I've got to put my face on, haven't I?
05:47I say, right, I'm waiting in the car.
05:49She says, well, wait in the car.
05:50I say, I will wait in the car.
05:52She says, right, go and wait in the car.
05:54I say, we're going out to the car.
05:55She says, you go to the car.
05:57It grinds you down.
06:04Oh, what a very splendid thing this is.
06:07The local community coming together in celebration of sport.
06:12It's what being British is all about.
06:14What?
06:15Being wet and bored.
06:18Well, yes, being wet and bored is part of it, certainly.
06:21But there's so much more.
06:23I mean, look at this stadium.
06:25It reeks of history.
06:27It reeks of wee.
06:29And these ancient terraces.
06:31Gasforth Town FC have seen it all.
06:34From not quite disaster to complete disaster.
06:39From bottom of the league to...
06:42to not even in the league.
06:44It's a dump.
06:45And therein lies its glory.
06:48We don't need some vast Super Bowl
06:51with a great big electronic sign that says,
06:54FWAAA, GO.
06:57We're quite happy to gather together in small groups
07:01on a wet Saturday and be a bit sad.
07:04It's the spirit that made Britain what it is today.
07:07Knackered.
07:09Proud of it.
07:15CHEERING
07:18Do you think they know they're supposed to get the round leather thing
07:21into the big square netty thing?
07:24Amateurs all good, do you remember that?
07:27Weekend sporting heroes.
07:30Butchers.
07:31Bakers.
07:32Builders.
07:34I wouldn't want to live in a house any of that lot had built.
07:36They're just not very good, are they?
07:38Exactly, Habib.
07:40And not being good at things is what the British are good at.
07:44We excel in failure.
07:46And a good thing, too, because failure is character building.
07:50Some of our finest moments have been defeats.
07:54Mons.
07:55Dunkirk.
07:57Lulu coming second at Eurovision with Boom Banga Bang.
08:01The French vote was our undoing, of course.
08:04They've never got over Agincourt.
08:07What a waste of time.
08:09I have never seen such a useless bunch of old women
08:12in all my life.
08:14They've got no aggression.
08:16No killer instinct.
08:18Oh, I don't know.
08:20The one with the limp's not bad.
08:22I'm not talking about the players, I'm talking about the fans.
08:26I am an inspector of criminal investigations.
08:30When I police a football match, I expect a decent enemy.
08:35Where are the skinheads?
08:38The shadowy street-fighting generals?
08:41You only get Premier League hooligans with Premier League sides, sir.
08:45Don't be so defeatist, Constable Boyle.
08:47This could be the season when Gasforth FC rises like a phoenix.
08:51More like a turkey.
08:53We're already through the first round of the FA Cup.
08:56Only because their lot all got food poisoning from our burger van.
09:00Nice game, there.
09:02It's a long time since I've seen 11 men vomiting in tight formation.
09:06Nonetheless, if we win today...
09:08Oh, sir, sir, look!
09:11Goal!
09:13An FA Cup second-round victory for Gasforth.
09:16Lucky, sure.
09:18They all count. Where was their goalie?
09:21Look, sir, there he is, coming out of the bogs.
09:26We really must get the health and safety people to have a look at that burger van.
09:36Oh, I can't stand it!
09:39Pathetic little... little builders working outside the bank!
09:44Every time a woman goes in or out of that door,
09:47they're there, hanging off the scaffolding like sexually inadequate bats!
09:51Who's that, then?
09:53Men! Tiny-brained, sexually frustrated,
09:57emotionally retarded, inadequate,
10:00puerile, juvenile, drooling, leering, sneering,
10:05pointless bloody men!
10:07Could be Arthur Blokes, I know.
10:10They've always been bad, but this stupid FA Cup thing's made them even worse.
10:14What you've got to do is just not sink to their level.
10:17Just turn around, give them a smile, maybe a bit of a wiggle,
10:21and say,
10:22Oi, bumhead! Do up your flags, your brain's hanging out!
10:28Tell them to get stuffed.
10:30Oh, yeah, sure.
10:32They're 30 feet up and I'm standing on the pavement going,
10:35Get stuffed!
10:37They love it!
10:38Whoa! You're beautiful when you're angry, darling!
10:45Well, I would have thought it were flattering.
10:48Of course it is, Boyle.
10:51There's nothing builds up a girl's self-esteem like having a human gorilla
10:56with a brain the size of a peanut inviting you to peel its banana!
11:01La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
11:04Ah, Sergeant.
11:05Well, since you still have 18 seconds to go before you're back on duty, darling,
11:09I must say you're looking lovely today.
11:12Very lovely indeed.
11:14Oh, do up your flies, bumhead! Your brain's hanging out!
11:19Oh, oh.
11:21Well, we must get on, we must get on.
11:26Constable Adelaide!
11:28Hold all but the most urgent calls.
11:31There haven't been any calls.
11:33Well, when there are, hold them.
11:35Inspector Grim, you're on duty.
11:37You can't strut about like Roy of the Rovers.
11:41I have gone undercover.
11:43Well, that should fool them.
11:46Listen, fowler, this is the sharp end, mate.
11:50Not jolly cricket bats, lovely boating weather, don't you know?
11:55Oxford and Cambridge, row, row, row,
11:58and hoist your little cocks above your head.
12:02This is football, and football is not a game.
12:06Well, obviously, it is a game.
12:08But it is also not a game.
12:10I mean, even though it is a game, there's no point treating it like a game
12:14because it is not a game.
12:16Although, clearly, it is a game.
12:18All right, boy, with me. Let's go, go, go!
12:22I think we should contact the X-Files, sir.
12:24Inspector Grim's body has been inhabited by a being from the planet Berk.
12:29Respect for rank, Habib.
12:31Well, let's just as well he's out of the way, actually.
12:33I have an appointment with the Mayoress.
12:35And he does rather lower the tone.
12:37The Mayoress is coming here?
12:39Yes, that's right.
12:41Dame Christabel Wickham?
12:43Chrissy Wicky, yes.
12:45Who you were at school with?
12:47I had that honour, yes.
12:48And you fancied ever since?
12:50Yes, that's the one. No, no, no.
12:52Don't be absurd.
12:53I shall know anyway,
12:54because your nose always twitches when you fancy someone.
12:56Patricia, you're not jealous, surely?
12:59Of course not.
13:00Why would I be when my boyfriend positively dribbles
13:03at the thought of another woman?
13:05But that's ridiculous, Patricia.
13:06How could you feel threatened by her?
13:08It's insane.
13:09Are you sure, Raymond?
13:11Of course.
13:12Chrissy Wickham is brilliant, beautiful, accomplished.
13:16I could never get a girl like that.
13:23She's completely out of my league.
13:27Thank you, Raymond. You've said enough.
13:29Well, I hope I've set your mind at rest.
13:33A wonderful woman like that
13:34is scarcely a threat to any girlfriend of mine.
13:41Good morning, good morning.
13:43Sit, sit, sit.
13:45As you all know,
13:46there's been a quite extraordinary development
13:48in the world of sport.
13:49Gaspeth are going to play a Premier League side
13:52in the FA Cup.
13:53And what's more, it's a home game.
13:55Chelsea are coming to us.
13:57Now, what are our chief concerns?
14:00Well, let's kick off, as it were...
14:10..with the prospects for crowd trouble.
14:13Now, sadly, the game of football is not what it was.
14:17Gone are the days when decent lads in enormous shorts
14:21thrilled peaceful crowds of chirpy, cloth-capped costamongers.
14:27What sort of example do these
14:29permed and preening louts of today set?
14:32These gazzers and bazzers
14:34and slashers and hackers and rosers and tozzers?
14:39In football, this used to have nice names,
14:41like Dixie Dean,
14:44Tiddler Tompkins,
14:46Nobby Nut and Ginger Curlies.
14:52Raymond, the world's finest example of womanhood
14:55is at the front desk.
14:56Gloria Honeyford.
14:59Damaris.
15:01Brilliant, beautiful.
15:03Think she might have had a little chin-tuck.
15:06Damaris? Here already?
15:09How do I look?
15:10Sad and pathetic.
15:12Good, good.
15:17Damaris Wickham, welcome to our humble and unworthy station.
15:22Hello, Raymond.
15:27Your Worship, this is indeed an unhoped-for honour.
15:33Oh, don't be so formal.
15:35I can remember you following me up the stairs in big school
15:38trying to see my knickers.
15:41Mmm!
15:44Mmm!
15:49I'm astonished and most touched
15:52that you recall our former acquaintance, ma'am.
15:55I could hardly forget old Feely Fowler, could I?
16:02All right, where's your office?
16:04I want to get straight down to it.
16:14Tea, Sergeant.
16:22More photo surveillance of last week's game, sir.
16:25Blimey, have you seen this?
16:27It's worse than I thought.
16:29Fascistic insignia, militaristic uniforms, badges of rank.
16:34We are clearly dealing with a highly organised,
16:38well-disciplined pack.
16:40Yes, sir, it's a scout pack.
16:42One or two vicious-looking brownies in there as well.
16:45Right, down to business.
16:47Oh, dear, sir, I'm afraid you've exposed them.
16:50Oh, thanks, Boyle, I did tell Tina to fix the sit.
16:56Morning.
16:59Are you chewing a brick or looking at me eating hospital food?
17:04Cos either way, I'll be going home in an ambulance.
17:09No, hang on, that's wrong, isn't it?
17:11Sir, sir, it's the Met.
17:13The Met? The Metropolitan Police?
17:16No, sir, the Metropolitan Water and Sewage Authority.
17:19Of course the Metropolitan Police, they want you.
17:21It's those parking fines! I told Tina to pay them!
17:24Well, she can take the rap!
17:26No, sir, they want to meet with you to discuss the game.
17:28They want to liaise.
17:32Liaise?
17:34Oh!
17:37The Met want to liaise with me.
17:41Yeah, well, it's no big deal, is it?
17:43Bit of liaising, so what? I do it all the time.
17:46You ask them to hold, will you? I'll just go and put on a tie.
17:52Please, take a seat, Your Mamship.
17:55Oh, come on, Raymond. It's Chrissie in private.
17:59That is most kind, Your Chrissieship.
18:03This fixture against Chelsea,
18:05it's quite simply the biggest thing that's ever happened to Gasforth,
18:08and it could not have come at a better time.
18:11You are aware of our Relocate in Gasforth media campaign?
18:14Oh, I am indeed, yes. I've seen the posters.
18:17Gasforth, it's not as bad as you think.
18:21Well, we're going all out to persuade big companies to set up in our area.
18:26Gasforth already?
18:29But we can do better.
18:31Britain is poised to become the sweatshop of Europe,
18:34and Gasforth cannot afford to be left behind.
18:37Well, no, indeed.
18:39We need profile.
18:41This FA Cup match is key.
18:43It'll bring television, the press, and thousands of people into the town.
18:47Win or lose, it's all about the profile.
18:50It's all about the profile.
18:52It's all about the profile.
18:54It's all about the profile.
18:57Win or lose, Gasforth is on the map.
19:01Your tea, ma'am.
19:03Put it on the desk and leave us.
19:07I didn't make you one, Feely.
19:10I thought you were hot and steaming enough already.
19:13She's in the business, Sergeant.
19:15If you offer her a custard cream, perhaps she'll let you look at her knickers.
19:22This will be Gasforth's big day.
19:26If anyone even looks as if they might cause trouble, lock them up.
19:31You pull it off, Raymond.
19:33If my big day goes without a hitch,
19:36I'm going to do something for you that I know you've always wanted.
19:40Your Worship, what can you mean?
19:43I'm going to write to the Honours Commission and recommend you for an MBE.
19:49An M...
19:51An M-M-M...
19:53An M-M-M...
19:55An M... An M...
19:57An M-M-M...
20:01Raymond.
20:09Raymond!
20:11Patricia!
20:13Where am I?
20:15Raymond!
20:17Biscuits!
20:21Gladiators ready!
20:25Enter...
20:28Love Muffles!
20:35Oh, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie!
20:37Maggie, come here, come here.
20:39OK, now, who am I, who am I, OK?
20:46Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!
20:48Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!
20:51Jane Austen with a sore throat?
20:54Donald Duck!
20:59Oh, I do love this riot gear.
21:04Really, Patricia, what a horrid, suspicious mind you have!
21:08There are any number of perfectly innocent reasons
21:11why a man might put his head up the Marist's skirt.
21:15She promised to recommend me for an MBE.
21:18I hope she doesn't try and get you knighted.
21:21I shall probably find you copulating together on the steps of the town hall.
21:25Wait, Patricia, these insinuations are unworthy of you.
21:28My relationship with a Marist is entirely respectable.
21:31Even when you've got your face in her underwear?
21:34Particularly when I've got my face in her underwear, particularly.
21:38Now, I think I've said all I need to say on the subject.
21:41Can we kindly move on to another topic?
21:43All right.
21:49I'm going to the bank at lunchtime.
21:51Can I get you anything from the shops?
21:54Some chocolates and flowers for the Mayoress?
21:57Some lipstick so your lips don't get chapped
22:00when you're next kissing her bottom!
22:08Now, our job on match day will be to police the Gasforth crowd.
22:12The Metropolitan Police will, of course, be in charge of the Chelsea supporters
22:16and a nasty bunch of ill-mannered yobbos they're bound to be.
22:19I anticipate quite appalling behaviour.
22:21I think you're being prejudiced, sir.
22:23More supporters are genuine fans.
22:25I wasn't talking about the supporters, Habib.
22:27I was talking about the Metropolitan Police.
22:30The idea of Gasforth being awash with London officers fills me with dread.
22:35Swaggering about the place, calling each other my son...
22:40..and saying that things have gone a bit pear-shaped.
22:44Well, we of the Gasforth Constabulary will be as smart as a bowl of cornflakes.
22:48I shall not have any of that London police behaviour around here.
22:52Right, you lot, shut it!
22:55It's true, Fallon, my son.
22:57It all looks a bit pear-shaped round here, or what?
23:01Right, the Governor's talking.
23:04Saturday's game, very dodgy, very naughty.
23:08Could go a little bit pear-shaped.
23:11If there's a ruck, things might get well iffy.
23:14These faces are a little bit hard, know what I mean?
23:18Have some of that, my son.
23:20Bosh, salty, ta-ta, got me?
23:23So be clever.
23:26Good, now shut it!
23:29Inspector Grimm, in recognition of our multilingual society,
23:32the modern force boasts officers trained in any number of languages.
23:36But not, I fear, complete idiot.
23:39Funny, traised, droll, you're a comedian, my son, that I do not think.
23:46I've been liaising with some geezers at the Met,
23:50pooling our intelligence.
23:52Goodness, between you, you must have made an imbecile.
23:56Shut it, you slag!
24:00Foil, my son.
24:01Governor, let's go, go, go before things start getting pear-shaped.
24:05Sorted.
24:07And you lot, shut it!
24:11CID, not so much out of the blue as out of their minds.
24:16Now, to business, and to Gasforth's big day.
24:19Now, as you can see, Her Majesty has seen to it
24:22that we are fully equipped for the worst-case scenario of riot control.
24:26So if you could put your helmets on, please, everybody.
24:28God, I thought you'd never ask.
24:32Hey, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, shall I?
24:34Shall I?
24:36No, not now.
24:39Now, the ideal is not to employ force, but intimidation.
24:43We wish to subdue the hooligan before he becomes violent.
24:47We can achieve this by setting up a rhythmic beating on our shields,
24:51such as to strike terror into the hearts of the enemy,
24:54as once did the Zulus,
24:56an adversary the British Army truly appreciated.
24:59I'm not surprised.
25:00The Zulus had rhythmic beating, the British had field artillery.
25:03I bet they appreciated it.
25:05Yes, all right, Habib.
25:06Just because something is morally inexcusable
25:09does not stop it being a cherished part of the national fabric.
25:12Look at the walnut whip.
25:15Now, the rhythm I had in mind was rat-a-ta, rat-a-ta, rat-a-ta,
25:20rat-a-ta, rat-a-ta, rat-a-ta.
25:22All right, try it.
25:24And rat-a-ta, rat-a-ta, rat-a-ta, rat-a-ta, rat-a-ta.
25:28Goodie, goodie, goodie, can't you keep a simple rhythm?
25:31No, sir, I'm hopeless.
25:34I need a metronome to brush my teeth.
25:36Sir, sir, I think it'll help if we put some words to the rhythm, sir.
25:41How about, um, pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man?
25:45Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man?
25:47Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man?
25:49Yes, good idea. Goodie, will that help?
25:51Yes, I think so, sir.
25:52Right, OK. After me.
25:54And pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man?
25:57Good, excellent. All right.
25:58Form up, form up, form up.
26:00Now, prepare to intimidate the enemy with rhythmic beating and...
26:04Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man?
26:06Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man?
26:08Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man?
26:10Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man?
26:12Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man?
26:14Excellent, well done, everybody.
26:16That should scare the sacks off them.
26:19And after we've subdued them with pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake,
26:22we can give them a chorus of ba-ba-black-she.
26:24That'll really make them fill their trousers.
26:26You think we ought to toughen up our chant?
26:28Either that or hire ourselves out for children's parties.
26:31How about bugger off, bugger off, stupid prats,
26:34bugger off, bugger off, stupid...
26:36I will not have my officers employing gutter language rhythmically in public.
26:40Sorry.
26:41What about go away, go away, naughty men?
26:45If the Zulus had called Michael Caine a naughty man,
26:48he would have laughed so hard he would have irrigated the veld.
26:51Maybe we should change the rhythm a bit, sir.
26:53Maybe we should change the rhythm a bit, sir.
26:55If you don't move along, boom, boom,
26:58I'm going to stick this baton, boom, boom,
27:00where the sun don't shine, boom, boom.
27:03I've got one, I've got one, I've got one.
27:06What's the difference between you lot
27:09and a bucket of sick?
27:14The bucket.
27:16No! We shall be tougher.
27:19Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough.
27:21Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough.
27:23How about up yours, dog breath, up yours, dog breath,
27:26up yours, dog breath, up yours, dog breath,
27:28stick this baton where the sun don't shine,
27:30stick this baton where the sun don't shine.
27:41You want me to get them off?
27:42Yeah.
27:43Right.
27:46You're all under arrest.
27:49It's all going pear-shaped, Boyle.
27:52Where are the naughty faces?
27:55The iffy, dodgy, noncy poncies?
27:58How can I face my muckers at Scotters
28:01when I'm yet to bang even one slag in the slammer?
28:06Could I have done more?
28:08Could I have gone deeper undercover?
28:11No way, sir.
28:12You haven't taken your bobble hat off all week.
28:15And wool makes my forehead itch.
28:18All right, lads, tomorrow.
28:21Those Chelsea scum are dust.
28:23But we stick to the plan, all right?
28:27Sort it, my son.
28:35Yes, madam?
28:37No, Sergeant, you were absolutely right to arrest them.
28:40I will not stand for sexual intimidation of that sort.
28:43It's abusive and threatening behaviour.
28:45Yes, it flipping well is.
28:47I mean, just imagine if it had been the mayoress going to the bank
28:50instead of just you.
28:52I'm sorry, madam.
28:54There are no grounds for police action.
28:56Goodbye.
28:58What was that, Habib?
29:00Just a cantankerous complainer from Colchester Crescent.
29:03Complains about something every day.
29:05Yesterday, it was the Pelican Crossing beeping.
29:08I think she wanted me to arrest the little green man.
29:12Tonight is a party.
29:14Some lads celebrating Gaspeth winning the FA Cup already.
29:17Great grumbling grommets, Habib.
29:19A party?
29:21Supposing the mayoress heard the row?
29:23Or an important trade delegation from South East Asia?
29:26Bring those naughty carousers in.
29:28But, sir, it's only seven in the evening.
29:30It's two in the morning in Kuala Lumpur.
29:33Bring them in. Bring them in and lock them up.
29:36Lock them all up.
29:38Lock everyone up.
29:42SIREN BLARES
29:52I forgot my truncheon.
29:55Gaspeth offers cheap labour,
29:58long hours, no unions,
30:01no minimum wage, no job security,
30:04and a maximum five-minute lunch break.
30:06That's a very attractive package for any foreign investor.
30:10Also included as an incentive
30:13is free child labour,
30:15centrally funded via the youth training schemes, of course.
30:19Yes, yes, but when does the football begin?
30:23The kick-off is at three, sir.
30:25That is the tradition in our country.
30:28I know when a bloody football match starts, Constable Plod,
30:31but it's 3.20 now.
30:37Your Worship,
30:39I'm afraid we're going to have to forfeit the game.
30:42What?!
30:43None of our players have turned up.
30:45It's incomprehensible.
30:47They were all fine yesterday.
30:49Baza, Gaza and Baza were at work on the building site
30:53next to the bank, as usual.
30:56Baza, Baza, Gaza and Simon the captain
30:59were having a strategy meeting at the pizza hole.
31:02And Gaza, Gaza and Gaza were having a bit of a party
31:05and a sing-song round at Baza's house
31:07in Colchester Crescent.
31:09I simply cannot imagine what has happened to them.
31:11Now, wait!
31:12There's no football. I'm going.
31:14No, no, please. Please wait.
31:16We have a dual carriageway
31:18that runs all the way to the Sainsbury's Superstore.
31:23When I find out who's responsible for the team not turning up...
31:26Raymond, how are you doing?
31:30Raymond!
31:33Raymond!
31:37WHISTLING
32:07WHISTLING