"The Thin Blue Line," released in 1995, is a British sitcom created and written by Ben Elton. The show is set in the fictional English town of Gasforth and follows the comedic antics of the local police force. Starring Rowan Atkinson as Inspector Raymond Fowler, the series portrays the humorous day-to-day activities and relationships of the officers, including the strict Sergeant Patricia Dawkins (played by Serena Evans) and the dim-witted Constable Kevin Goody (played by James Dreyfus). Known for its witty dialogue and satirical take on police procedures, "The Thin Blue Line" combines slapstick humor with sharp social commentary, making it a beloved classic in British television comedy.
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00:00Good evening everybody. Sometimes one does despair of today's youth. To them, concepts
00:11such as honour, duty and self-restraint are as foreign as a Frenchman, and no more acceptable.
00:20On the other hand, of course, it is important not to judge people too harshly. We were all
00:27young once, and although we may not have attended raves, I seem to remember that Saturday
00:35morning at the Pictures could get pretty wild. Let he who has never chucked a gobstopper
00:42at John Wayne during the kissy bit cast the first stone. For young people, as we shall
00:52see, are like the last banana in the fruit bowl. Not all bad.
01:10I tell you what, I'd be glad when they fixed up our showers and toilet. I hate sharing
01:14the blokes. There's a pair of jocks in that locker that's developing its own ecosystem.
01:19It's not what you need when you're feeling delicate. Had a little drinky last night,
01:24did we? Just a bit. My tongue's got so much fur on it, I may need a licence to keep it
01:28domestically. Drinking like that's terribly bad for you, you know, Maggie. Really, Pat.
01:36And there was me thinking that having a brain like a pickled walnut and a mouth like a rat's
01:40bum was a bit of a health cure. Instead of poisoning your body, you should be concentrating
01:46on rejuvenating your physical and sensual sides. The way I feel this morning, you couldn't
01:52rejuvenate my sensual side if you chucked me into a bath full of Chippendales and asked
01:55me to find the soap. Blimey! Sharing the gents with a load of women, it's a disgrace. The
02:05place'll stink like the perfume counter of Boots. Are we in there? Dibby, dabby, lippy,
02:14lappy, powderpuffing, barny, buffing, squirty squirty. Only be a minute, I've just got to
02:21re-grout me crow's feet. I've got all this at home, you know. I'm talking about alternative
02:29healing, Maggie. I've just joined a well-woman group. You can do rebirthing, reflexology,
02:36shiatsu massage. You have to let it all out. Please, Pat, I'm having enough trouble keeping
02:41it all down. And if you haven't got time for shiatsu, just have an enema. You can do
02:48it at home in five minutes with an ordinary garden hose. Tweezering and plucking and using
02:58my bick on her legs and slapping the glandular oils of some dead whale around like it didn't
03:04cost 15 quid a jar, which I have to bleed in her. Well, I'm off the booze now anyway.
03:10My little sister's coming to stay. Oh, that's nice. No, it's not. She's completely boring.
03:15Goody flipping two shoes. If she sees me with so much as a half of Cydrax, she'll tell me
03:21Mum, who'll immediately ring up in floods and read the entire Koran onto my answer phone.
03:26Perhaps your sister would like to come along to my rebirthing group. You recreate the moment
03:31you emerged from your mother's womb. Oh, I'll see if I can persuade her. Maybe she'll come
03:36out a bit more interesting second time around. I shall. Come on, Tina. She says I'm just
03:43going to have five minutes on the bum wobbling machine. Then she leaves the top of the toothpaste.
03:48Blimey, Fowler. I thought at least at work we could keep the birds out of the bog. Sharing
03:55lockers is brilliant. I cannot believe I'm actually going to be changing in the same
04:02room as Constable Habib. But not at the same time. True, but it's a step in the right direction,
04:08isn't it? Right, that's it, you lot. Come on, time's up. Get out of it! Good morning,
04:17Inspector Grimm. Oh, it's still morning, is it? Blimey, I thought it was late. Evening
04:22at least, or else sometime next year. And doesn't time fly when you're hanging around
04:28outside the bog waiting for a bunch of women to stop fannying about? You do get yourself
04:35worked up, don't you, Inspector? You really should try and diffuse your tension. Have
04:40you thought about irrigating your colon? Not really, I don't do a lot of gardening. Inspector
04:49Grimm, it is 8.51 and 42 seconds. With respect, if you consult your rota, I think you'll find
04:56that mail time begins at 8.52. I told you, Fowler, women, all the same, totally toiletarily
05:04territorial. Inspector Grimm, we don't like this situation any more than you do, and with
05:10better reason. What better reason? Lots of better reason. Name a better reason. Well,
05:15we've been properly toilet trained for a start. You lot seem to think you're supposed to stand
05:20on the bog and aim outwards. Drips! Women are obsessed with drips. I say, Tina, wear
05:30a pair of slippers. Please, really, now, please, please, now, now, now, please. Really. The
05:43situation is as it is, and we must simply make the best of it. I've scheduled a meeting
05:48with the regional auditor, but he is notoriously tighter than an Italian tenor's trouser buttons,
05:54so I hold out little hope for extra funds this financial year. Clearly, I cannot take money
05:59from our crime-fighting activities. Why? We never solve any burglaries. Why don't we investigate
06:05half as many, sir? We'd cut our failure rate by 50% and afford new toilets into the bargain.
06:10Such cynicism is depressing in one so young, I believe. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late
06:16for my morning movement. Look what I've got, Frank. Some of that new male Calvin Klein
06:32perfume. Dead cool, dead street. Really gets the babes horny. You know, I reckon when Constable
06:41Habib gets a whiff of this, she'll say, wahey, climb aboard, big boy, and fall at my feet. Kevin,
06:50it'll take more than a whiff of perfume to make Maggie Habib fall at your feet. Maybe you should
06:55try chloroform, eh? It's supposed to be evocative of a man's testicles. No, I don't mean that.
07:05What is it that blokes have that makes them sexy? Mmm, sunglasses. No, it's close to testicles,
07:11only a little bit longer. Testosterone, Kevin. Look at it. Wrapped in a towel. Gives a splash.
07:19I've got lager seeping out of me paws. In the boozer till two. Sixteen cans of special brew,
07:25nothing to eat but peanuts. I could have pubble-dashed the pub. Two? Well, that's way past
07:32closing time. Closing time's for plebs, not us. The lock-in is a traditional copper's perk.
07:38Like sticking your siren on when you're late for dinner. We're having another lock-in on Friday.
07:42How about coming out? You be careful, son. Once when I was starting off as a constable,
07:48I got drinking with some other silly young coppers when suddenly, in walked our chief inspector.
07:54I looked at my watch. It was one o'clock. Quick as a flash, I put a pork pie on my head and
08:00pretended to be a table. And what did the inspector do? He ordered a pint.
08:05It was one o'clock in the afternoon. You see, Kev, no problem. There's a big illegal late-night drink
08:13this Friday. Lots of the boys are coming out. You've got to come out too. Yes, well, I don't know about that, Gary.
08:17As a policeman, I just don't feel comfortable breaking the law. I mean, I know that sounds stupid...
08:21Look, mate, coppers stick together. And if we have to bend the rules, then we do it together.
08:29That's the police culture. And you'll do a lot better on the force if you admit you're one of us from the start.
08:35So you come out, all right? I'm out on Friday.
08:39Um, Patricia, regarding the current dysfunctional nature of the non-male person's locker room...
09:01The ladies lose, yes.
09:06Well, I wonder if you could inform your compatriots of the female variety that I am, of course, arranging for the ladies' um...
09:18You know, the ladies' um... machine... to be moved.
09:26The what?
09:29The ladies' machine. You know, the mechanised purveyor of purificatory dressings.
09:44Swabs.
09:48Sanitationary compresses.
09:52Applications, internal and external.
09:56Ladies for the use of, as and when required. Traditionally, on a monthly basis.
10:05Raymond, there's nothing embarrassing about...
10:07No, no, no, no. No, what an idea. Blimey. Embarrassed? Ha!
10:14I talk about them all the time.
10:17Rarely not talking about them gets quite boring on the subject, as a matter of fact.
10:23Anyway, the um... well, the um... thingy machine will be relocated in the male locker room.
10:31In a suitably discreet darkened corner.
10:35Unless, of course, you'd rather we put it in the cellar, you know, to save embarrassment.
10:38No, the locker room will be fine.
10:40Oh, good, good.
10:42So in the broom cupboard behind the cistern it goes, then.
10:54The vile scourge of drugs has arrived in Gatsforth.
11:00Some people won't admit it, but I, for one, am not going to bury my head in an ostrich.
11:07Kids are already taking E.
11:13Openly. In clubs.
11:15And that is only the thin end of the bush.
11:20Today it's E.
11:23Next week it might be F.
11:29Possibly even G.
11:32Now then, tomorrow night there is going to be a rave at the old gasworks.
11:37CID officers led by Detective Inspector Derek Grimm.
11:44In the person of myself.
11:46For that is me.
11:49We'll be in attendance and also it is where we will be.
11:54That is all.
11:56Further information as and if and when and as and if required.
12:05Drugs. Drugs.
12:08What is wrong with young people today?
12:11With their uppers, downers, poppers, toppers.
12:16Speed, whiz, crack, junk.
12:20Smack, splosh, zing, bonk, bam, oink, wham, bam.
12:25Oops, I've just destroyed the family brain cell.
12:28Can't they amuse themselves without chemical stimulation?
12:32Haven't they heard of monopoly?
12:37I suppose they're just not as boring, I mean, as sensible as you were, sir.
12:41They're looking for something more exciting.
12:43Exciting? Have you ever had hotels on Mayfair and Park Lane?
12:49You can make a fortune.
12:52A damn sight more exciting than filling your head with chemicals
12:55and prancing about drinking Lucozade for eight hours.
12:58I can see nothing exciting about that whatsoever.
13:03Well, that's not quite true.
13:05I do recall that as a youngster I could get pretty worked up
13:08at the prospect of a glass of Lucozade.
13:12But great plates of wobbly custard.
13:14Why, this need for sensory stimulants.
13:17When I was an adolescent, my idea of a major sensory stimulant
13:21was sucking on a fisherman's friend.
13:26Have I said something amusing, Constable Goody?
13:31Oh, yes, sir, definitely.
13:35Really? Then perhaps you'd like to explain the joke to me.
13:38Yes, I will.
13:40Well, sir, you said that you were stimulated
13:43by sucking on a fisherman's friend.
13:47And I think that's very funny.
13:50I see. And why do you find it funny, Constable Goody?
13:54Well, they're horrible, aren't they? Everyone knows that.
14:02I'm going to clean up this town, Boyle.
14:05Drugs are the effluence of society.
14:09And I'm the toilet duck.
14:14I'll show these bloody kids
14:16when Grim of Gatsforth puts his backside on the line
14:19they can't just stick two fingers up.
14:23Yeah.
14:25If kids want to destroy their bodies,
14:27why don't they drink ten pints of lager like sensible adults?
14:30What's wrong with being bored, anyway?
14:32The rest of us have to sit at home in front of the telly.
14:35Why shouldn't they?
14:37Tell you what, sir, me and some of the lads
14:39have organised a lock-in after tomorrow night's raid.
14:42Why don't you get in on it?
14:44Well, I don't know, Boyle. I don't normally do that sort of thing.
14:47Oh, come on, sir.
14:49You spend all evening chasing drug addicts
14:51and you can't even have a little drinky at the end of it.
14:54That can't be right, now, can it, eh?
15:08Kevin!
15:10What are you doing?
15:12Just giving you a whiff of my testosterone.
15:17I shall speak to your mother.
15:19Oh, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.
15:24Can I talk to you about something?
15:26It's just that I've got a sort of moral dilemma.
15:29You see, Gary Boyle has been going on at me about coming out.
15:34He wants you to come out?
15:36He wants you to come out?
15:38Yes. He wants me to come out and admit that I'm one of them.
15:42Well, what's it got to do with him? Tell him to bug off.
15:45No, no, no. You see, in so many ways,
15:47I'd feel that I'd actually quite like to, you know.
15:49But it isn't easy, what with being a policeman and everything.
15:52Oh, I see.
15:54Well, whatever you decide to do, Kevin,
15:56I want you to know I think you've been really brave
15:59and I really admire you.
16:07This perfume is sex dynamite.
16:12I'm going to dunk my trousers in it.
16:16Do you want a splash?
16:18Listen, son,
16:20a woman likes to smell a man as nature intended.
16:24Sweat, Guinness and pickled onions.
16:29You can't bottle that.
16:32I'm off for my rebirthing.
16:34Ah, yes. Rebirthing.
16:36Just remember to pick me up at ten.
16:39Patricia, I'm hardly likely to leave a newborn baby
16:42to fend for itself in the Sports Centre car park.
16:45Never mind.
16:47There's one reborn every minute.
16:50You don't think much of Sergeant Dawkins' interest
16:52in alternative inner healing, do you, sir?
16:54Well, why is everybody searching for this something inside them?
16:58Patricia and her quest for the inner woman,
17:00children and their drugs?
17:02It's an alternative culture now, sir.
17:04People are asking questions.
17:06They want to know who they are.
17:08Then they should damn well look at their passports.
17:11Alternative culture.
17:14I remember when our idea of alternative culture
17:17was turning over to ITV.
17:20People have too much choice these days.
17:23Did you know
17:25that you can get an almond Mars bar?
17:28An almond Mars bar?
17:31Mars bars got by for over 50 years without almonds in them.
17:35Yes, sir.
17:37They've put caramel in the whispers.
17:40We live in a debauched, hedonistic age.
17:43Young people are addicted to pleasure.
17:45Not all young people, sir.
17:47My little sister's addicted to organised religion, exams and netball.
17:51She sounds like a very fine young woman.
17:53Proof that not all young people are decadent wastrels.
17:56Oh, Maggie, a young lady for you.
17:58Sir, she's your sister.
18:00Hello, Maggie.
18:02Hello, Nazia.
18:04This is my little sister, Nazia, sir.
18:06Ah, splendid, splendid.
18:08Welcome to Gaspeth, Nazia.
18:10I'm sure you'll love it.
18:12We have a museum, a small library
18:15and a fascinating 18th-century library.
18:18We have a museum, a small library
18:20and a fascinating 18th-century stone horse trough.
18:23Stuff that.
18:25As soon as I've got me glad rags on, I'm out raving.
18:27You'd better change if you want to come too, Mags.
18:29You look like a right tosspot in that pig's costume.
18:39Ah!
18:41Ah!
18:43Ah!
18:45Ah!
18:49I brought you your milk.
18:51Can you not be too long learning to walk?
18:53Because I'm parked on a metre.
18:55Thank you, Raymond.
18:57I'm only five seconds old and already my innocence has gone.
19:06Make yourself at home, why don't you?
19:08All right if I smoke?
19:10You haven't started smoking cigarettes, have you?
19:12Just grass.
19:14Nazia, go and flush that down the toilet right now.
19:16You realise it's actually my duty to arrest you?
19:18Go on, then.
19:20Or at least tell Mum.
19:22You wouldn't.
19:24Just get rid of it now.
19:28One minute late. Very sorry, Maggie.
19:30That's all right, Kevin.
19:32Kevin!
19:34Yes, yes, yes.
19:36I don't want to pry, but I was wondering
19:38whether you'd thought any more about your coming out.
19:40Well, yes, I have. Lots.
19:43But it's very confusing, you know.
19:45Sometimes I swing one way, sometimes the other.
19:47Oh, I see.
19:49Bye.
19:51Bye.
19:53Morning, doll.
19:55Sorry to keep you waiting.
19:57I was up all night at a lock-in, had to shower off.
19:59Lovely. Very refreshing.
20:01Hey, I found some lovely scented soap in there.
20:03Peach shampoo and sea-fresh deodorant.
20:06I like having birds in our box.
20:08I could shag meself.
20:16Don't forget I've got my reflexology this evening, Raymond.
20:19Ah, yes. Reflexology.
20:21Which one's that again?
20:23It's a terrific shortcut to all-body well-being.
20:27Every part of you is represented on the sole of the foot,
20:30so any pain or uptightness can be alleviated
20:33by firmly massaging the foot.
20:36So here is the liver and the colon and the buttocks.
20:40And, uh... And where is the foot?
20:46Um...
20:48Well, I...
20:50I mean, supposing I had a really sore foot.
20:55How would you... How would you soothe my foot?
20:58By grabbing my foot and sticking your thumbs into my foot?
21:03Raymond, do I ask you to logically justify
21:06your covering the kitchen table
21:08with a Balsawood model of a Lancaster bomber?
21:11No, but I would be quite happy to.
21:14Constable Boyle, for the final time,
21:17if you're going to use my soap,
21:19could you please remove your hairs from it once you've finished?
21:23Don't be so squeamish.
21:25It's just benign, non-volatile dead cell matter.
21:28It is benign, non-volatile dead cell matter
21:31that grew out of your scrotum!
21:35And I hate it! How do you do it?
21:37I could have stuffed a mattress by now.
21:39Each day I gouge a small toupee off the soap
21:42and have the next day's back,
21:44looking like a member of the Grateful Dead!
21:47Inspector Fowler, I would like to lodge a formal protest
21:50against having to share a locker room
21:52with a gruesome fallout
21:54from Constable Boyle's rapidly balding bodily parts!
21:58This situation really is most intolerable.
22:01But unless I can get some extra cash out of the regional auditor,
22:04a man who does not recognise the verb to spend,
22:08then I'm afraid we're all stuck in the same lavatory till Christmas.
22:13No fannying about.
22:16And above all, no fannying about.
22:21We assemble at 0, 11.30, 100 hours,
22:25PM, in the evening.
22:28That is all. Let's go, go, go!
22:31Big raid, this. Quite exciting.
22:34Hope we get some dealers, not just silly kids.
22:37Do you fancy a bit of chewing gum to calm your nerves?
22:42It's a new brand, fresh and easy.
22:46Got it out of the machine in the locker room.
22:48Sounds great.
22:55Gives you a great, fresh feel all day.
23:01Helps you get on with life.
23:03And no leaking!
23:09Which is great, isn't it?
23:11Because I often dribble a bit if I try and chew.
23:15And watch television at the same time.
23:17Oh, yes.
23:23Good sickening spongebag, you Emberseal boy!
23:25Watch where you're going!
23:27Sorry, I'm so sorry.
23:29Sir, with respect,
23:31I think you should be a bit more understanding with Kevin.
23:34He's a bit distracted, you see.
23:36The thing is, he's told me that he's coming out.
23:41Coming out?
23:43Do you mean coming out as a Guardian reader would understand the term?
23:48No, absolutely, sir!
23:51I see.
23:52Well, I must go out of my way to put him at his ease.
23:58Now then, Goody.
24:01I've asked you to come and see me
24:03on a matter about which I feel no embarrassment.
24:07Ahem!
24:10No embarrassment whatsoever.
24:14Constable Habib has informed me that you're worried about...
24:18about, um...
24:20coming out.
24:23Well...
24:26I suppose it has been on my mind, sir, yes.
24:29Well, you mustn't worry yourself unduly, Goody.
24:32That's good, sir, because Gary Boyle says
24:34that having a sly quickie after work is a police tradition.
24:39He said that?
24:40Oh, yes.
24:41He says that if a bloke can't get a couple of stiff ones
24:44down his neck after work, then what's the point of being a copper?
24:50He reckons that the pub lock-in is all part of police culture.
24:54Pub lock-in?
24:56You mean you've been asked to come out for an illegal drink?
24:59That's what's been worrying you?
25:01Yes, CID do it all the time.
25:03I'm really pleased it doesn't bother you.
25:05I'll tell you what.
25:06I'll be stuck into the Malibu at the frock and truncheon tonight.
25:09If you do, you appalling youth,
25:11you'll be stuck in a cell tomorrow morning.
25:13I'm aware that there are certain nod-and-a-wink customs
25:16in which CID officers ignore the law,
25:18but I will not allow the corruption of my officers.
25:21Quite frankly, I preferred you when you were a homosexual.
25:24LAUGHTER
25:33Bang them up, Boyle. Bang them in the hole.
25:36All right.
25:38I want urine from all this lot.
25:42Would somebody kindly take the urine?
25:47Check their eyeballs.
25:49If the pupils are dislocated, nick them.
25:52Look for the signs of addiction.
25:55A distant stare.
25:58Regular truancy.
26:00Loss of appetite at mealtimes.
26:02Boyle, to me!
26:23You didn't get rid of it, did you?
26:29I'll never forgive you for this, Nazia.
26:34All right!
26:36Those who have not been arrested are free to continue
26:39to gnaw away at the fabric of society.
26:42The rest of you, with me. Let's go, go, go!
26:47Oh, no!
26:52THEY CONFER
27:00DOG BARKS
27:13I have no excuse, sir.
27:16I was protecting my sister.
27:18You understand that I'm going to have to charge you.
27:22Yes, sir.
27:24You fool, Constable.
27:26What madness possessed you?
27:28She's my little sister, sir.
27:31My mum would have died.
27:33She'd be...
27:37Go to your desk, Constable.
27:45Derek.
27:48Constable Habib is by far and away my best officer.
27:53She already represents a public investment of many thousands of pounds.
27:57What are you suggesting, Inspector Fowler?
28:00I am suggesting that we do not charge her.
28:04She has a fine career ahead of her,
28:07and because of one insane moment of filial loyalty...
28:10I don't believe I'm hearing this!
28:12I don't believe I'm hearing this!
28:14Inspector High and Mighty Snooty Snotty Ity Tity Fowler
28:19wants me to break the law.
28:21I know!
28:23I know.
28:25But she was just trying to help her little sister.
28:30And when her little sister is a drug baron
28:33defending an armoured crack house
28:35with a shoulder-held missile launcher,
28:38will it be all right to help her then?
28:41No. I don't like it.
28:43But I know my duty.
28:45We're charging her.
28:50It's been a long night.
28:54Right, Boyle, what about that drink we were discussing?
28:58DOOR CLOSES
29:09Well, thank you very much, sir.
29:11You're very welcome, Boyle.
29:13We can settle up later.
29:15I reckon this raid might mean promotion for you, sir.
29:18Well, I can't deny I am rather expecting a call
29:21from a grateful chief constable.
29:23I can't see anything going wrong with that.
29:25Unless we get raided.
29:27All right, you lot!
29:29You're all under arrest.
29:31Out through the box, sir. Old copper's trick.
29:38The problem with old copper's tricks, Constable Boyle,
29:41is that old coppers know them.
29:44Don't do me for this, Fowler.
29:46I've never done anything like it before.
29:49A conviction would ruin my career.
29:52Never mind, Inspector Grimm. It was never a very promising one.
29:56Unlike Constable Habib's.
30:03You can't compare withholding evidence of drugs
30:07with a friendly little bookie.
30:10Really? I think you'll find that I can.
30:13Also, I think you'll find that the Promotions Board
30:16will be inclined to view any criminal conviction
30:19as something of a blot on a policeman's record.
30:23All right. I won't charge Habib.
30:26In that case, I won't charge you, or Boyle.
30:30I've got a couple of outstanding parking tickets, sir.
30:33You think you can get me of those?
30:38I'm terribly sorry to keep you waiting, Mr Glockenspiel,
30:41but I've just been assembling the relevant financial reports
30:44regarding the ladies' locker room.
30:46No rush. You won't get a penny out of me anyway.
30:49I took the liberty of making myself a mug of Bovril
30:52whilst I was waiting. You're very good health.
30:55Bovril?
30:57Yes. My favourite beverage. Nutritious and, above all, cheap.
31:01I saw that cube on your desk,
31:04so I made free with your kettle.
31:07No, don't worry. I've left you half.
31:11Quick. Get a requisition slip.
31:14Mr Glockenspiel says we can have as many lavatories as we like.
31:18In fact, he's offered to put in jacuzzis and a steam room.
31:21Also, he's asked for kebabs, pizzas and 15 king-size Mars bars.
31:26No almonds.
31:28Wait a minute. Let's talk toilets.
31:40THE END