"The Thin Blue Line," released in 1995, is a British sitcom created and written by Ben Elton. The show is set in the fictional English town of Gasforth and follows the comedic antics of the local police force. Starring Rowan Atkinson as Inspector Raymond Fowler, the series portrays the humorous day-to-day activities and relationships of the officers, including the strict Sergeant Patricia Dawkins (played by Serena Evans) and the dim-witted Constable Kevin Goody (played by James Dreyfus). Known for its witty dialogue and satirical take on police procedures, "The Thin Blue Line" combines slapstick humor with sharp social commentary, making it a beloved classic in British television comedy.
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TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, everybody. Never judge a book by its cover, particularly if that cover quotes
00:11an obscure journal, claiming it to be the best book ever written. I made that mistake
00:17recently and found myself reading a book about drugs and sex, which are scarcely suitable
00:23subjects for fiction. If I hadn't been on a stopping train to Aberystwyth, I should
00:29have cast the thing aside unread. Appearances, as we shall see, are like bus timetables,
00:38often highly misleading.
00:57Raymond, there's something I need to discuss with you.
01:00I see. And are you addressing me as your commanding officer or as your boyfriend?
01:05Does it make a difference?
01:06Certainly makes a difference. The public pays me to be your commanding officer. It does not pay me to be your boyfriend.
01:12If you were to ask me a boyfriend question, like, I think I've left the gas on at home, what shall I do?
01:18I should feel unable to answer until lunchtime.
01:22By which time our house would have exploded.
01:25Making it a police matter, with which I would feel justified in dealing.
01:30I see. Well, I suppose this is a matter of advice, and I would like you to answer partly as my commander and partly as my boyfriend.
01:39Good. Well, that seems simple enough. I shall give you my police answer now, for which, of course, the public will be paying me,
01:44and I shall give you my personal answer over lunch, for which I will expect no reimbursement,
01:49other than the satisfaction of being your help meat.
01:53Right. Well, here's my problem. If you know something is wrong, but the method by which you know it is wrong is also wrong,
02:02is it right to right the wrong, or wrong to do right?
02:06Because the real wrong is that it was not right to know the wrong, and so righting the wrong cannot be right.
02:11Yes, I see.
02:14Well, speaking as your commanding officer, I'm afraid I don't quite follow.
02:20Sir, the town hall's on the line. The mayoress wants to come see you this lunchtime.
02:25Dame Christabel Wickham.
02:27I'll take this. Dame Christabel, you are a stuck-up tart. Why don't you bog off and die?
02:36Dame Christabel, there is a female lunatic in my office. Get off, you female lunatic.
02:41How dare you insult Gasper's most distinguished public servant. Restrain her, somebody.
02:46Oh, for your own good, madam. Give me back that phone. I said give me back that phone.
02:53Constable, constable.
02:55Yes, sir?
02:57Remove her to a caring institution where she can receive the treatment she so clearly needs.
03:01That I will do, sir.
03:04She's gone.
03:07Hello? Oh, my God. She's rung off.
03:10No, sir. She was never on. I haven't put her through yet.
03:17Oh, I see. Ha.
03:22Oh, well, well, in that case, just tell her I should be delighted to receive her, Habib. Most delighted.
03:29I'll try and strike the right tone, sir.
03:32Now, if you could kindly haul your mind back from your fantasies of tight little skirts and first-class degrees from Oxbridge.
03:40We were discussing my problem.
03:43Yes. Look, Patricia, would it be all right if I ignored you completely?
03:47Not at all, Raymond. I'll just pretend we were in bed.
03:50You see...
03:52You see, the mayoress is coming in only three and a half hours and I must be prepared.
03:56Oh, damn diddle and doo-dah. This would be the week when my nose-hair clippers are being re-sharpened at the ironworks.
04:02Raymond, this is serious.
04:05I've been studying the weekend tapes of the town centre closed-circuit TV cameras.
04:10There's something I'm very worried about. Now, will you please concentrate?
04:14Yes. Yes, of course, of course.
04:17Do you think there's time to get my hair cut?
04:22In that flat. The window above the shop.
04:25Patricia, that is a private dwelling. We have no right...
04:28I know, but look. The figure in the skirt and the man.
04:32He's raising his hand above his head. Look. He's hitting her with some kind of weapon.
04:36Great trumpeting trousers. So he is.
04:39We have utterable swine. The cowardly custody cad.
04:43That man must be brought to book.
04:45But we only know about the woman's problems through intrusive electronic surveillance.
04:49We're in a very difficult position.
04:51Yes, that's true.
04:53Oh, you've put me on the horns of a dilemma.
04:56One horn is personal inclination. The other horn is stern duty.
05:00Well, I'm quite pleased, really.
05:02It's a long time since I put you on any sort of horn at all.
05:06Don't be so saucy, Patricia.
05:09Besides which, it's just not true.
05:12I find you enormously exciting.
05:14But then I find bread-and-butter pudding exciting.
05:17And I wouldn't want a portion every night, would I?
05:21Because then it wouldn't be special.
05:23Now, let us return to this horn you've put me on.
05:26Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'll come back later.
05:30Don't worry, Maggie.
05:32Inspector Fowler and I were just looking at some disgraceful illicit videos.
05:36Yes, we were just discussing a very difficult position.
05:41Perhaps you'd like to join in?
05:43Well, it's a lovely thought, sir.
05:45But, you know, two's company, and I'd rather die.
05:48I only came in to say the mayoress will be here at one.
05:51One? But it's 9.15 already.
05:54I've got to polish my buttons. I've got to polish my buttons.
06:15Constable Boyle.
06:18Would you mind if I held your hand for a while?
06:23Eh?
06:24Give me your hand. I want to hold it.
06:26And tease it with me forefinger.
06:29Steady, sir.
06:31It's the secret handshake I'm practising.
06:34Oh, I see. You joining the Masons?
06:37No, they knocked me back last year.
06:40Said me knees were too knobbly.
06:43Bloody Masons!
06:45Look after their own. Promote their own.
06:48Cover up for their own.
06:50Well, you can see why I wanted to join.
06:52You know what? Stuff the Masons. I'm going one better.
06:56I'm joining the Todgers.
07:00The secret, most noble, medieval order of the Masonic Lodge Todgers.
07:05Better costumes, better ceremonies.
07:08Better nepotism? Exactly.
07:11I'm not going to fanny about in gas for forever.
07:15And if putting on a dress once a week
07:19and occasionally kissing a dead turkey's bottom
07:23is the price I have to pay, then so be it.
07:27Well, you make sure it's properly plucked, sir.
07:30In my experience, turkey bristle can be very coarse.
07:39Your ex-girlfriend's here.
07:42You know, I think she waxes her upper lip.
07:44For the final time, Patricia, the mairesse was never my girlfriend.
07:48We just went to the same grammar school.
07:50It's no use lying to me, Raymond.
07:52I can tell when you fancy someone, your nose twitches.
07:55Oh, don't be ridiculous, Patricia.
07:57Can't wait around all day, Raymond. I've got a town to run.
08:00Yes, of course, Dame Chrissie.
08:03Please, take a seat.
08:05I do apologise for my sergeant's tardiness.
08:09Was there something, sergeant?
08:11Tea, sergeant. Close the door behind you.
08:15Hmm.
08:36I'll come straight to the point, Raymond.
08:38Serious situation.
08:40My cute little derriere is in your hands.
08:45Gaspeth is harbouring an illegal asylum seeker.
08:49His time runs out at the end of the week
08:51and you'll be required to arrest him for deportation.
08:53Yes, hardly a pleasant job, your worshipful mairessiness,
08:57but duty is my master.
08:59The problem is that there is an observer
09:02from the European Parliament in town as well.
09:05Well, that's no concern of mine.
09:07I serve Her Majesty, not some soggy Brussels sprout.
09:10Shut up, Raymond. I'm talking.
09:14My sources tell me that this yarrow swine
09:17is an insufferably soppy, bleeding-heart liberal.
09:20These continentals...
09:22I said shut up, Raymond!
09:24I've a good mind to discipline you.
09:30God, I hate them.
09:32These garlic-gorging snail suckers.
09:35But Gaspeth is expecting a huge regional grant from the EC
09:40and this illegal immigrant business could make us look very bad.
09:43The sight of gangs of rozzers hurling weeping refugees into vans
09:48offends some people, God knows why.
09:50I can assure you that my man will be as gentle
09:53as a bottle of lemon-scented fabric conditioner.
09:56Shut up, Raymond! I won't tell you again.
10:00The point is that there have been so many reports recently
10:04about thuggery and racism in the police
10:07that PR-wise we're vulnerable.
10:09You have to work on your image.
10:11Do you have any anti-racism initiatives underway on the station?
10:15Briefings, discussion groups, that kind of thing?
10:18Um, can I speak?
10:20Yes.
10:21No, we haven't.
10:23Well, get some.
10:25And when you're done racism, get on to all the other isms.
10:28Sexism, pofterism, lesoism.
10:32When you nick this snivelling alien,
10:36I want to be able to show that greasy Euro-bastard
10:39just how tolerant and balanced we are.
10:44So, racism, sexism,
10:47homoeroticophobia...
10:51...ism,
10:53and the police.
10:54Who would like to start the discussion?
10:56I would, sir.
10:57You astonish me, Constable Habib.
10:59I could not be more surprised if my hat had turned into a giant hedgehog.
11:03I'd like to talk about Sir Paul Condon's report
11:06about policing and race, sir.
11:08Ah, well, that sounds like a good idea.
11:10Which part of the report would you like to discuss?
11:12The disgusting fascist racist bit, sir.
11:15Hmm.
11:16Strangely, that part of the report seems to have been omitted from my copy, Habib.
11:20I'm talking about his decision to make public the statistic
11:24that street crime and mugging in the capital
11:26are disproportionately committed by young black men.
11:29And you disapprove of this statement?
11:31Yes. I think he's been a...
11:33Yes, Habib?
11:34Well, I always try to be nice, sir.
11:36So I'll just say, it rhymes with trucking tanker.
11:41Can you restrain your poetry, Habib?
11:44I notice he didn't add that young black blokes find it much more difficult to get a job.
11:49Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
11:51I know, I know.
11:52Did he, did he?
11:53So what is the answer?
11:54Because he wanted to get to the other side.
11:57Be quiet, Goody.
11:59The chief constable can only report facts, Habib.
12:02It is not his duty to enter into socio-political analysis
12:06as to why those facts have come about.
12:08Give a dog a bad name.
12:09We give our dog a bad name.
12:13Colin.
12:16Terrible name.
12:17And you have no idea how many people are called Colin.
12:20We'd go to the park, I'd shout,
12:22Come here, Colin.
12:24And 15 people would turn round.
12:27And big people too, sir.
12:29I mean, for some reason, it's the big lads that get called Colin.
12:33I mean, I'd shout,
12:34Colin, you're a bad boy.
12:37I just saw you do a caca.
12:40And now, I'm going to rub your nose in it.
12:43The next thing I knew, I'd wake up in an ambulance.
12:47Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
12:48Excuse me, sir, but aren't we wandering from the point?
12:51Yes, indeed we are. Well done, Goody.
12:53Yes, because we were talking about chickens, not dogs.
12:56No, no, the point is...
12:59What was the point?
13:00Paul Condon demonising the children of immigrants, sir.
13:03Exactly. No, no, it is not.
13:05Sir Paul Condon was in possession of certain facts.
13:08Is he to withhold those facts because he doesn't like them?
13:11He withholds plenty, sir.
13:13I expect he's got a rough idea how many bent coppers there are in the Met.
13:17How many Freemasons.
13:18But he doesn't think the public need to know about that.
13:20We are discussing the problems of race, Habib.
13:23The fact that the Metropolitan Force
13:25seems to consist almost entirely of swaggering, ill-mannered louts
13:29who think that every officer stationed outside the M25
13:32has manure on his trousers,
13:34rides a penny farthing and says,
13:36"'Oi, my flower,' instead of, "'Hello'," is irrelevant.
13:40Sir Paul Condon cannot...
13:45Why are you sniggering, boy?
13:47I'm not sniggering, sir.
13:48You are sniggering.
13:50Well, I mean, come on, sir, the bloke's name is Condon.
13:55Well, I don't see anything remotely amusing about that, goody.
13:59Oh, come now, sir, I think you do.
14:03No, I don't, goody.
14:05But, sir, it sounds exactly like Condon.
14:10You can see them on the news, sir.
14:12The Metropolitan Police Chiefs of Paul Condon.
14:15And you know that newsreader's thinking,
14:17I hope I don't say Condon, I hope I don't say Condon...
14:22Be quiet, you imbecile. We are discussing racism.
14:25Oh, I know all about racism, sir.
14:28My mother prepared me for it.
14:30Ah, she explained to you the sad truth of irrational hatred?
14:34No, she beat me and called me names.
14:37Yes, thank you for sharing that with us, Gladstone.
14:40Listen to him. It gets right on my raving titties.
14:47I mean, I'm no racist, I don't mind people coming over here,
14:50but when they do, they should be like us.
14:53People don't want a load of weird customs and funny clothes.
14:59Right, I'll put the hood on, see?
15:02And I'll kiss the turkey with me head between me legs.
15:06I'll show you. I'll squat on the desk to make it easier.
15:09Now, I need a hood. I'll use the bag I brought the bird in.
15:13It's a frozen one from Tina's freezer.
15:16OK.
15:20You line up the fowl.
15:22Well, I wouldn't kiss it if I were you, sir.
15:25It's still a bit chilly. Your lips might stick to its bum.
15:29Well, breathe on it first.
15:33What are you lot staring at?
15:37We were just celebrating the rich diversity of culture in our station.
15:41I confess I had not expected to see it quite so graphically illustrated.
15:46Oh, yeah, well, I don't like culture.
15:49I beg your pardon?
15:50Bleeding ballet and opera,
15:53especially when they spend lottery money on it.
15:57Wasting the working man's bet on fat, screeching old bags from Italy
16:02singing like they've got piles.
16:05Or some bunch of scrawny, bintzing tutus
16:09called Darcy and Tilda
16:11flashing their gussets at a lot of horny perverts.
16:15Art, culture, staring at posh birds' knickers.
16:19That's all Swan Bleeding Lake boils down to.
16:23They should use all the money for kiddies with incurable diseases.
16:28When me and my Tina buy our lottery ticket out of the goodness of our heart...
16:33And in the hope of winning £20 million.
16:36Yes, and we want to know that by winning £20 million
16:39we will be helping little kiddies.
16:42Not haughty, hoity, stick-it-up-your-toity,
16:47high-and-mighty, tight-nosed, toffee-arsed,
16:50sun-dried tomato-eating, lardy-dardy, lardy-dars.
16:59Yes, well, let us hope that some of the lottery money
17:01goes to aiding the incurably insane.
17:05In which case you'll get your money back.
17:08Habib is right about one thing.
17:10The police cannot fight racism if we are racist ourselves.
17:14It would be very much a matter of the pot calling the kettle...
17:21..African-American.
17:24So, how racist are we?
17:26Well, in order to find out, I propose to be a Martian.
17:31Imagine that I've just beamed down in my space podule and joined the police.
17:35Excuse me, sir, if you'd just beamed down in your podule,
17:38you wouldn't be joining anything.
17:40You'd be detained under the Immigration Act and stuck in a transit camp.
17:44I have applied for asylum.
17:46You'll have to wait, sir. There's 65,000 in front of you
17:49and only one in 25 stand a chance.
17:51What are your grounds?
17:53I am a Martian dissident, Habib,
17:55who has incurred the displeasure of the Martian authorities
17:58by protesting against the Americans
18:00taking any more fuzzy photographs of our gaseous emissions.
18:05If I return to Mars, I will be murdered.
18:08The Home Office will expect you to prove you'll be murdered, sir.
18:11The normal method is to send you back,
18:13and if you get murdered, they'll admit you were telling the truth.
18:17Yes, all right, Habib. Great simmering sausages.
18:20It's like sharing a police station with Leon Trotsky.
18:25But I have beamed down in my podule,
18:28applied for asylum, been refused,
18:31taken refuge in a church
18:33and become the focus of a major protest campaign
18:36funded by a charity concert performed by unpleasant comedians
18:39who think it's clever to swear.
18:42I have appealed against deportation and lost,
18:45both in the High Court and in the House of Lords,
18:47but won at the Court of Justice in The Hague.
18:50I have married a sweet girl from Solihull
18:53who did not object to my three enormous pulsating heads
18:56with sticky-out veins all over them.
18:58I have settled in Gatford, done my A-levels at night school,
19:01bought a second-hand Datsun Cherry
19:03and joined the police force. Satisfied?
19:07Well, it's not up to me, sir. It's up to the Home Office.
19:10Well, they are delighted.
19:13Now, perhaps we can move on.
19:15Try, if you would, to picture your new colleague.
19:18Martians, as we remember, are green and called Zog.
19:23I've already mentioned the three enormous heads.
19:26Add to this 15-inch long pulsating fingers,
19:29multiple legs and a flashing belly button.
19:34It's my first day in the service
19:36and I'm about to enter the briefing room.
19:38You'll just have to imagine the multiple heads and the legs
19:40and the flashing belly button.
19:42HE MUMBLES
19:48HE MUMBLES
19:57HE MUMBLES
20:02Hello.
20:05My name is Constable Zog.
20:10I'm patrolling the beach with you today.
20:14I hope we shall be friends.
20:20All right, Goody, what will be your reaction?
20:27I'm just trying to imagine it now.
20:29Good, good.
20:31These three heads, do you have a helmet on each one?
20:35Yes, yes, if you like. Just greet me, boy, greet me.
20:39Hello, hello, hello.
20:47And so my point is illustrated.
20:49Goody can only consider my shape.
20:51Ah, not so, sir.
20:53I'm also thinking about how green you are.
20:56And that is not acceptable either.
20:58You must be colour blind.
21:00You may call me a dirty swine,
21:02but you may not call me a dirty green swine.
21:05Why, thank you, sir. You're a dirty swine.
21:07Don't be cheeky, boy.
21:09Oh, that's easy for you to say, Zog.
21:11You have six cheeks and I haven't even started counting your bottoms yet.
21:14Look, look, you're considering only appearance,
21:17concentrating on the fact that I'm different from you.
21:20Gadsden. Yes, sir?
21:21Can you forget about the fact that I'm green and have three heads?
21:24I don't think I could, sir.
21:27Does that make me a racist?
21:29Sir, I think you should be celebrating your greenness,
21:32not hoping that we'll ignore it.
21:34Yes, you're right, Habib, I must be more assertive.
21:37Right, here we go.
21:39Hello, I'm Zog, I'm from Mars, get used to it.
21:43Hello, hello, hello, I'm Kevin, just outside Basingstoke.
21:47Give me five. No, give me ten. No, 15.
21:50Yes, that's right. Yes, that's right.
21:52Sit down, goody. Sit down.
21:54How's it going?
21:57Now, goody, this is my first day at work, I'm your new colleague.
22:00Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you.
22:03You've got a cup of tea. Yes.
22:05I've got three cups of cocoa.
22:07Now, what friendly tips could you pass on to me?
22:10Absolutely honestly. Yes?
22:12Right, I'd say this.
22:14Watch out for Inspector Fowler, he's a grumpy old git,
22:17and given up a chance, he'll whip your curly whirly.
22:20Look, we are deviating from the point.
22:23I'm simply trying to establish that all men,
22:26be they Martian, Mauritian or Mancunian, are born equal.
22:30All men? Oh, so this Martian is a sexist, is he?
22:33Surprise, surprise.
22:35Look, we are not talking about anybody's sex, Habib.
22:37Sex with a Martian sounds great to me.
22:41Not to me.
22:42Three heads saying, I've got a headache, I've got a headache, I've got a headache.
22:45Mind you, those pulsating fingers sound all right.
22:49This Martian is asexual, Habib.
22:51A sexual machine, if you ask me.
22:54You said so yourself, sir, you've got veins popping out all over your head.
22:58What have you got lurking between those multiple legs, sir?
23:01Look, look, we are not discussing sex or sexism.
23:04I merely stated that all men are created equal,
23:07and by men, Habib, I mean, of course, men and persons of the opposite sex.
23:11Opposite sex? I'm sorry, sir,
23:13but defining one sex in terms of its position to the other is sexism.
23:17On Earth, Mars, Saturn or any other planet.
23:20I've got a hilarious joke about your anus.
23:25No, you don't, goody. You know a pathetic pun about my anus.
23:29I mean, your anus.
23:32I mean, the planet with the rude name.
23:34Oh, really, Habib, you have confused the boy.
23:37Sexism is sexism, sir.
23:40Right.
23:43Patricia, I require your support.
23:46Constable Habib and I are discussing sexual positions,
23:50and I want you to assure her that I know only one.
23:56Well, there's no need to tell the whole world.
23:58And that is the upright one.
24:00What?
24:01In which men and women are interchangeable.
24:04Raymond, what are you talking about?
24:06Sexual discrimination, which is a scourge.
24:09And I hope, Sergeant, that having lived with me for 11 years,
24:12you can vouch for the fact that when it comes to women,
24:15I'm not remotely discriminating.
24:17Fowler, can you keep your fannying about down?
24:22Police work is about villains, not isms.
24:26What ism ever mugged an old lady?
24:30What ism ever robbed a bank?
24:32What ism ever held a gun to someone's head?
24:35Terrorism.
24:39Yeah, all right.
24:41What ism ever threatened the security of the state?
24:45Marxism.
24:48What ism ever hurt anybody?
24:50Sadism.
24:51Boyle, do you think they do a uniform in your size?
24:55Isms are a very important part of police work, Inspector Grim.
24:59People of all races and sexual orientations
25:02must feel at home at Gasforth Police Station.
25:05White people, black people, heterosexuals.
25:08Well, of course, we're not bigots.
25:10Homosexualists.
25:11Steady on.
25:12Yes.
25:13Gaysexuals should be able to serve Her Majesty
25:15without fear of harassment.
25:17Only if they're quiet about it.
25:20No, not if they're quiet about it.
25:22I believe that sexual relations
25:24are a diverse and many splendid thing.
25:27Can't say I'd notice.
25:29What is more, in order that we might all become
25:32better educated and more tolerant,
25:34I've arranged for an officer of the persuasion under discussion
25:38to come and speak to us.
25:40You haven't.
25:41Yes, I have.
25:43Well, I'm not talking to him. Why should I?
25:46It's all part of this...
25:49creeping, crawling, poncy, namby,
25:53stick-it-up-your-pansy,
25:55pardon me for being a fascist,
25:57but I don't happen to have time to discuss
25:59interior design, quiche recipes
26:02and Kylie Minogue hits with Constable Whoopsie.
26:07I have important police work.
26:11The lodgemaster of my todgers is coming to check me out
26:15before me initiation test.
26:18Yes.
26:19Well, I strongly disapprove of secret societies, Grim.
26:23If a man cannot be proud of his allegiances and state them openly,
26:27then I fear they must be of questionable value.
26:29You do not find me concealing my membership
26:32of Gasforth Amateur Dramatic Society
26:34behind silly movements and trousers at half-mast?
26:38Except, of course, when we do Brigadoon.
26:43Yeah, well, when I'm a chief superintendent at Scotland Yard,
26:47you'll be sorry.
26:48If that day should ever dawn, Inspector Grim,
26:50we'll all be sorry.
26:53Hello!
26:55I'm Quentin.
26:56Detective Sergeant Quentin Courvoisier.
26:59I think I'm expected.
27:01Oh, yes, of course.
27:03Ah, welcome.
27:04Welcome, welcome, welcome.
27:06Welcome, welcome, welcome.
27:08I don't think twice about being a homosexual.
27:11Oh, well, not that I've noticed.
27:13Well, not that I care.
27:15Dear me, I do wish people would shut up about it.
27:17Shut up, shut up.
27:19I believe there's somebody around here
27:21that wishes to become one of us.
27:23Right, that's it, I'm off.
27:24Stay where you are, Inspector Grim.
27:26Inspector Grim!
27:28Er, that's right, Mary, kids.
27:30Penthouse magazine in me briefcase.
27:34Hello...
27:37..little bird.
27:39I am not your little bird.
27:43There appears to be some sort of misunderstanding around here.
27:46I was under the impression that you wished to become a todger,
27:49Inspector Grim.
27:51Raymond, the anti-discrimination officer's just called.
27:54He's stuck in traffic.
27:55No, what? Sergeant, I didn't realise!
27:57I brought me own turkey!
27:59Everything!
28:00Oh, dear.
28:02He's dropped his giblets.
28:04Well, there we have a perfect illustration
28:06of everything I've been talking about.
28:08Never judge people by appearances.
28:13I'm not looking forward to nicking this illegal alien today.
28:16I mean, my parents are immigrants.
28:18I understand your feelings, Constable,
28:20but your parents were legal.
28:21That's the point.
28:22And they are now British.
28:24I'm British, sir.
28:25But I've been told to go home many times.
28:28Britain for the British, people have said.
28:30But, I mean, what is British?
28:32Everyone's a child of an immigrant at some point, aren't they?
28:35And most of them illegal.
28:37Are they?
28:39Well, yes.
28:40I mean, if you go back far enough,
28:42the Normans were illegal immigrants, weren't they?
28:44Well, yes, I suppose they were.
28:46Do you think they kept their wedding tackle inside their chain mail?
28:49No chance.
28:50William the Conqueror?
28:52More like William the Bunkerer.
28:55Yes, yes.
28:56Do you know, I've often wondered
28:58why King William was called William.
29:01What?
29:02Well, everyone else in his army was called Norman.
29:07Constable Gladstone made a good point.
29:09The appalling truth is, I've got a bit of Frenchman in me.
29:13Well, if we're talking about illegal immigrants,
29:15what about the Vikings?
29:16It wasn't just their helmets that were horny.
29:19And before them, there was the Romans.
29:21Those Latin lovers were here for 300 years.
29:24How do you think they'd pass the time?
29:26Latin declension.
29:28Have it off, have it up, have it often.
29:30Be quiet, Phoebe.
29:32Really, you girls today, you're worse than the lads.
29:36This country's always been absorbing different cultures,
29:39different tribes.
29:40Immigration's nothing new.
29:42Yes, that's true.
29:43Although invaders have tended to steer clear of the Scots.
29:46Nobody wanted to go there, I suppose.
29:49Boiled oats and sheep's stomach
29:51are scarcely likely to appeal to the French or Italians, are they?
29:54And they're certainly hard fighters.
29:56Well, if you live in a country where the thistles are waist-high
29:59and nobody's invented trousers,
30:01you're going to top it off, aren't you?
30:03Yeah, well, like it or not, sir,
30:06Britain is a melting pot.
30:08My mother says that I have some Spanish in me
30:11because of my lovely hair and long lashes.
30:13And also, she had a rather interesting holiday in Torremolinos in 1973.
30:18Yes, well, none of this relieves us of a very difficult duty.
30:21Come on, everybody.
30:31Ha! The police.
30:33So, you have come.
30:35I'm sorry, sir, you're going to have to come along with us.
30:37What are you doing?
30:39Stay where you are, sir.
30:41I'm sorry, I have my duty.
30:43Habib and Goody, put him in the van.
30:45But this is an outrage!
30:47Come along, sir.
30:49The arrest was carried out swiftly and without a resolve to force.
30:52The most demanding of civil libertarians
30:55could not fail to be satisfied.
30:57Well done, Raymond.
30:59An excellent piece of work.
31:01You know, I think we need to schedule some private meetings
31:04to discuss your future.
31:06After all, we haven't had a private meeting since school.
31:10Do you think your hands will have warmed up by now?
31:13Beely.
31:17I'm afraid this gentleman wants to have a word.
31:19Ah, here he is.
31:21This is our illegal asylum seeker.
31:25I don't think so, Inspector.
31:27Our man's white, he's from Chechnya.
31:30Our man's white, he's from Chechnya.
31:35Who's this?
31:37My name is Mustafa Delqua.
31:40European Commissioner for Human Rights
31:42and a French national.
31:45A Frenchman?
31:47In my station?
31:51You, you British.
31:53No wonder we all hate you.
31:55Your chocolate isn't chocolatey enough.
31:58Your bananas are too long and bendy.
32:01You insist on eating prawn cocktail crisps
32:04despite the fact that we have told you not to.
32:08And now it turns out that your policemen
32:11think all black people are illegal immigrants.
32:16Whoops.
32:19I intend to launch a full report
32:22on this appalling display of bigotry and ignorance.
32:27Au revoir.
32:29Monsieur Delqua, we have a grand publication.
32:33This appalling racist will be fully disciplined.
32:39Oh, what a dreadful error.
32:41We all make mistakes, sir.
32:43Nothing I could do could make amends for a day like this.
32:47There's always my horny dilemma.
32:50You could have a stab at that.
32:58Yes, you're right, Patricia.
33:01I don't care how we came by this information.
33:04Our duty is to protect the public.
33:07And great thundering syroids, that's what we're going to do.
33:12Let's get the swine.
33:27Fly, turkey fly!
33:33Approach the fowl.
33:37Won't.
33:38Inspector Grimm, this is supposed to be a secret initiation.
33:42You can't invite your friends.
33:45Close the turkey's legs.
33:48Its bottom shall not be kissed tonight.
33:53Oh, what a strange and dispiriting day.
33:57I got everything wrong.
34:01The homosexual officer turned out to be a todger.
34:06The illegal alien turned out to be
34:09the European Commissioner for Human Rights.
34:12And the battered wife turned out to be Grimm.
34:18You did your best, Raymond.
34:20You did your best, Raymond. That's all you can do.
34:23Oh, but my best isn't good enough.
34:25I can't seem to get anything right.
34:27We'll see how you go with this one.
34:30Between me and the mayoress, who do you find most exciting?
34:34Why, Patricia, what an absurd question.
34:37You, of course. How could it be otherwise?
34:40What about between me and a plate of bread and butter pudding?
34:44Hmm.
34:46Would that be with custard or without custard?
34:50Well, I'll cover myself in custard if you like.
34:53You've got to promise to take your bed socks off.
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