"The Thin Blue Line," released in 1995, is a British sitcom created and written by Ben Elton. The show is set in the fictional English town of Gasforth and follows the comedic antics of the local police force. Starring Rowan Atkinson as Inspector Raymond Fowler, the series portrays the humorous day-to-day activities and relationships of the officers, including the strict Sergeant Patricia Dawkins (played by Serena Evans) and the dim-witted Constable Kevin Goody (played by James Dreyfus). Known for its witty dialogue and satirical take on police procedures, "The Thin Blue Line" combines slapstick humor with sharp social commentary, making it a beloved classic in British television comedy.
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00:00Good evening everybody. Take things for granted and they will be taken from you.
00:10Anybody who has ever left a packet of chocolate hobnobs unguarded will vouch for the truth in that state.
00:19So often the things we love the most we care for the least.
00:26Even love itself, as we shall see, is like a regular intake of dietary fibre.
00:35Easy to ignore, but just try functioning properly without it.
00:55So, that is agreed. Due to budgetary limitations, our mounted display for the Gatsforth show will consist of two bicycles and a set of coconut shells.
01:12The dog team will consist of one dog.
01:17Well, it's not really a team, is it, Raymond? One dog? I mean, the whole point is dogs acting in unison.
01:24You can't have one dog acting in unison, can you? I mean, that's stupid.
01:29Unless we use some kind of mirror.
01:34Well, at least with only one dog, we will avoid last year's disaster.
01:38Oh, yes. Shep and Lady.
01:42Indeed, Shep. And indeed, Lady. I've never known such naughty dogs.
01:48It was like a scene out of Canine Emmanuel.
01:52The locker room audit, sir. We're still getting through an awful lot of low paper.
01:59I'm afraid the three sheets of visit policy clash badly with prunes and custard day in the county.
02:05Low paper? I am a trained police officer, honed and buffed.
02:11I should not have to spend my time worrying about budgets.
02:15They take a lot of looking after, sir. Indeed they do, Gladstone.
02:19One moment they're swinging on their little swings, the next it's claws up in the sawdust.
02:24I'm talking about budgets, Constable, not budgets.
02:29Oh.
02:32Yes, thank you, Gladstone, that'll be all. Yes, sir.
02:38Oh. Oh. Oh.
02:42What's happened to you, pal? You look like you've been mugged. I have.
02:45Did you get a description? Yes.
02:48Purple tights, pink leg warmers, enormous hair,
02:53a maniacal grin like she swallowed a coat hanger.
02:56Looks like the love child of Jack Nicholson and a cabbage patch doll.
03:00Shouldn't be too difficult to spot. Any weapon?
03:02Yes, a vicious cassette of Sonia's greatest hit.
03:07My aerobics instructor, Maggie.
03:10Satan's hell cow, the bottle blonde bitch.
03:14Step to the side, you're looking good.
03:16Shake it to the right, one, two.
03:18Put your foot in your ear, three, four.
03:20Stick your head up your bum, five, six.
03:22On your back, hips up, knees spread.
03:25Sounds like a smear test. Yes.
03:28Only slightly less fun.
03:30These are difficult times, Derek, difficult times.
03:33Are you sure there are no more savings to be made in CID?
03:36I mean, this water cooler you've ordered.
03:39Raymond, do not interfere with my decisions.
03:43I, and me alone, am responsible for the operational fitness of my officers.
03:48It is my arse and I will not have you sticking your nose in and sniffing about.
03:55But a water cooler?
03:57We work under intensely difficult conditions
04:01and regular rehydration is essential.
04:04Rubbish. You just want to strut about with a paper cup in your hand like American policemen.
04:09You watch far too much television.
04:12The one saving grace was that I wasn't the worst person in the class.
04:18I think I've dislocated my trouser furniture.
04:22Excuse me.
04:25Look at that, Kevin. That leotard's a bit radical, isn't it?
04:29If it gets sucked up any further, it'll grot your bum.
04:32Got to feel the burn.
04:35Set fire to your leg warmers.
04:38Got to keep in shape.
04:41Got to keep in shape.
04:46What have you got to keep in shape for?
04:49Well, I do confess, it is partly vanity.
04:52But what I say is this.
04:54If you've got it, get it out, pump it up and flaunt it.
04:59I have to be very fit for my police work.
05:05Do you know, I was chasing this bloke the other day.
05:08I was wearing a jacket. I was a wobbly jelly.
05:11Nearly had to stop and be sick.
05:13How far did you run after him?
05:15Oh, I wasn't running. I was in a squad car.
05:18It's just that I'm used to power steering.
05:22Well, I think you're both mad. You could have had another hour in bed.
05:26No pain, no gain, Maggie. I want to get in shape.
05:29What are you talking about? You're in great shape.
05:32Just because society decrees that all women should look like stick insects with knockers,
05:36I don't think you're just perpetuating a sexist stereotype.
05:39Well, that's the idea, but it's going to take a lot of work.
05:42You can say it's perpetuating a stereotype if you like, Maggie,
05:45but it's just what people find attractive.
05:47I mean, look at beauty contests.
05:49Beauty contests are just a disgusting male fantasy.
05:52No, they're not. My fantasies are a lot more disgusting than theirs.
05:56Beauty contests are tasteful.
05:58Tasteful? 40 birds standing in a row with their boobs full of silicon
06:03and their bikini bits waxed down to five curlies short of a corjack.
06:07How tasteful is that?
06:09It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to win a beauty contest.
06:12You have to respect that.
06:14A person earns respect.
06:16And quite frankly, I don't think that having humongous cajongas
06:19is a sufficient qualification.
06:21It'll do for me.
06:25Good. So that concludes our weekly administrative meeting.
06:28Weekly fannying about meeting, more like.
06:32Except, of course, to remind you
06:34that the date for this year's Promotion Review Board
06:36has been set for this Friday.
06:38I don't need reminding, mate.
06:40I've been building up to this for weeks.
06:43I am a coiled spring waiting to go...
06:48boing!
06:50Yes, well, I must say, promotion would be nice.
06:53Chief Inspector Raymond Fowler.
06:56I can't help feeling that this year it must be my turn.
07:00Well, you've got no chance, mate.
07:02There's no point you even turning up.
07:04I beg your pardon?
07:06Promotion boards are looking for solid, steady, dependable blokes, Fowler.
07:10Well... Married blokes.
07:13Not divorcees living in sin with their sergeants.
07:17I don't believe a person's marital status
07:19makes the slightest difference these days.
07:21Of course it does!
07:23Blimey! Society has to offer some sort of reward
07:27for a lifetime spent in front of the telly.
07:32Do you know, tomorrow is me and my Tina's 20th anniversary?
07:38Really?
07:39Yeah.
07:41And you can rest assured I shall let the promotion board know.
07:4620 years, mate.
07:4820 gruelling years.
07:52That shows character, Raymond. Character and commitment.
07:57And you really believe that being married affects one's chance of promotion?
08:00Of course it does.
08:02Mind you, marriage is much more than that.
08:06It's comfort.
08:08It's security.
08:10I cannot tell you the peace of mind
08:14which me and my Tina enjoy
08:17knowing that things are as bad as they're ever going to get.
08:26I still say that modelling isn't as easy as you think, Maggie.
08:29There's a price to pay. Bulimia is a real tragedy.
08:32Exactly. That's the point.
08:35Women torturing their own bodies to conform to a male fantasy.
08:39Young girls throwing up their dinner.
08:41Personally, I've never been able to see
08:43what the problem with all that bulimic stuff is.
08:45Throwing up your dinner is the sign of a good night out.
08:48It's no big deal, it just makes your beer taste a bit sour, that's all.
08:52You're just a total caveman, Gary.
08:56Yeah, well, I like to work out a bit, don't I?
09:02Look at it.
09:04Beautiful.
09:06This is what being a policeman is all about.
09:10Hey, next we'll get one of them double hotplates with two coffee pots on it.
09:14Two coffee pots?
09:16A cop with two pots?
09:19Yo, brother!
09:21Freeze, mother!
09:23Drop it, auntie!
09:27Just once before we die,
09:30I'd like us to take our jackets off together
09:33and be wearing shoulder holsters.
09:38One step at a time, we've got our water cooler.
09:43The virgin cup.
09:48Boy, I can't get any water out of this thing.
09:50I know, it don't work. I called it, right?
09:54Now then, Habib,
09:56I want your advice about an extremely sensitive area.
09:59Quite frankly, it's been bothering me for some time
10:02and I just don't want to sit on it any longer.
10:04Oh, I see, sir.
10:06Well, my dad uses this greasy cream called Rectinol.
10:10Sometimes he still has to have a special cushion.
10:13I beg your pardon?
10:15Haemorrhoids, sir, bother any sensitive area.
10:18I'm not talking about haemorrhoids, you silly young constable.
10:21Sorry, sir.
10:23Rectinol, you say?
10:30Now then, as I was saying,
10:32this sensitive matter...
10:35If a man were considering proposing marriage to a woman...
10:41And I am, of course, talking about a hypothetical man
10:45and an equally hypothetical woman.
10:47Not going to be much of a sex life, is it?
10:50It isn't, anyway.
10:53Hypothetically, hypothetically speaking.
10:56However, howsoever that may be,
10:59how do you think this hypothetical man
11:03or this hypothetical woman would wish to be approached?
11:07Well, personally, I think marriage is an outmoded institution.
11:11But all women like a bit of romance.
11:14You know, candles, flowers, nice meal.
11:18Then when you're all lovey-dovey,
11:20you go down on one knee and suggest an AIDS test.
11:24AIDS test?
11:26Of course, sir. That's how it's done these days.
11:29Well, think about it, hypothetically speaking.
11:32If I accept your proposal,
11:34I could catch HIV, herpes, gonorrhea.
11:42Ah, Patricia, um, we were just discussing
11:46catching that notorious Argentinian jewel thief,
11:52uh, Hugo Ignatieff Vincente
11:59herpeth gonorrhea.
12:03You, uh...
12:06You might have read about him in the police review.
12:09Was it the May issue?
12:11Raymond, what were you proposing to Constable Habib?
12:14Nothing, Sergeant.
12:16We were just discussing Inspector Grimm's 20th wedding anniversary.
12:20Saying how much marriage proposals have changed.
12:23These days, the bloke has to bring along a medical certificate.
12:27I think women prefer candles, flowers and wine.
12:31Hmm.
12:36Tch, 20 years.
12:3920 years poor old Tina Grimm
12:42has had to put up with her appalling husband.
12:44Can you imagine what it must be like
12:47year after year with the same dull, irritating old bore?
12:51Yes.
12:53Not that marriage isn't a fine and honourable estate.
12:57I mustn't let Grimm's example
12:59empower me to the entire institution.
13:01Nor, indeed, the failure of my own marriage.
13:03I was young. I was wild.
13:06She was pregnant.
13:08Yes, I have to confess that my knowledge
13:10of the rhythm method of contraception
13:12was rather incomplete.
13:15Well, you've certainly mastered it now.
13:17Just add up all the days of the month
13:19and then don't do it on any of them.
13:29Constable.
13:31Would you mind accompanying me to the CID area?
13:41I'd offer you some refreshment
13:43but sadly I have a dysfunctional spell.
13:48I'd like to ask your advice
13:51on a matter pertaining to...
13:54women.
13:56What with you being one and all.
13:58Right you are, sir.
13:59It's just my Tina is expecting something special
14:03and exciting from me
14:05and I've got a problem.
14:07It comes once a year.
14:09Oh, dear.
14:11Well, I can see that would be a problem.
14:13But don't worry, sir.
14:15Impotence is very common in men of your age.
14:17I read in Cosmopolitan
14:19that there's this cream you can buy called Keep It Up.
14:22I'm not talking about impotence, constable.
14:25Oh, sorry, sir.
14:27Keep It Up.
14:36Now, the problem is
14:38as I think you know
14:40tomorrow is me and my Tina's 20th wedding anniversary
14:44so I suppose I've got to get her something.
14:48Well, it would be nice, sir.
14:50It's extraordinary how much meaningless, empty gestures
14:54mean to a woman, isn't it?
14:56Well, some girls like them.
14:58The question is, what shall I get?
15:00Well, haven't you any ideas at all?
15:02Oh, no, quite the opposite. Too many ideas.
15:04I'm torn.
15:06I'm torn between a box, a milk tray
15:09and a box, a dairy box.
15:13She likes the lime barrel out of one
15:16and the caramel cup out of the other.
15:19What do you think?
15:23Perhaps you'll get her both.
15:26You see, bloody women,
15:28totally unreasonable, the lot of you.
15:35Marriage is in the air at the moment, do you know?
15:40I think Inspector Fowler's thinking about proposing to Sergeant Dawkins.
15:44Oh, wouldn't that be nice?
15:47I love a wedding.
15:49Except for the bit where the vicar says,
15:52Does anyone have any objections?
15:54Makes me so tense.
15:57I always think, God, I hope I don't say something godly.
16:04Because you easily could, couldn't you?
16:07You know, if you suddenly went mad or something.
16:10You know, I did object at a wedding once.
16:13You did?
16:14Oh, yes.
16:16I said the groom is a drinker and a philanderer.
16:18Oh, no!
16:23What did the groom say?
16:25I just told you.
16:28It was the only way at the time I could think of getting out of it.
16:36Well, now, Patricia, I hope you enjoyed
16:39your lasagne parmigiano vedi con funghi.
16:43Yes, Raymond, ever so.
16:45Good. It took some preparation, I can tell you.
16:48I bet it did.
16:50For a while there, I didn't think I was ever going to get it out of the packet.
16:54I mean, look, to open,
16:56simply cut a long dotted line and pull tab outwards.
16:59I mean, it's just not true.
17:01That won't get you anywhere.
17:03They might as well say to open,
17:05wrap in a copy of the Beano and brush your teeth with it.
17:09I mean, why does it have to be hermetically sealed?
17:12It's a frozen meal, not a gold ingot.
17:15I suppose it wasn't delivered in a securical van.
17:18Open, bludgeon guards to death, run oxyacetylene,
17:21torch along dotted line and dynamite where shown.
17:26Raymond, we're having a lovely evening.
17:28You made a super supper. Please don't spoil it.
17:31Yes, I'm sorry, darling.
17:34Some more wine?
17:36Well, I shouldn't.
17:38In that case, I'll just re-cork it with my vacuum pump.
17:42We're going to have it with our spam fritters on Sunday.
17:45On second thoughts, perhaps just a little drop.
17:55I shall have to be careful.
17:57Red wine and Italian food turns me into a right-goer.
18:01Well, I'm delighted to hear it.
18:04Are you, Raymond?
18:06Absolutely. Active bowel, active mind.
18:15Raymond, what's all this in aid of?
18:17The candles, the flowers, the wine?
18:19Oh, this?
18:21Oh, oh, you know, um...
18:24Well, um...
18:26Well...
18:28Well, you know how much I admire you, Patricia,
18:31not only as a police sergeant, but also as a, um...
18:36As a...
18:38As a woman.
18:41Oh, Raymond.
18:43Patricia.
18:45Oh, Raymond.
18:47Is there something you want to say to me?
18:49Yes.
18:51Yes, there is. Um...
18:55I want to discuss our future together.
18:59We're both pretty set in our ways now.
19:02I'm a bit of an old stick in the mud,
19:04and you're certainly not getting any younger, that's for sure.
19:08I don't want to end up boring, grey, flabby and all alone.
19:13I want to be boring, grey and flabby with you.
19:18I'm sure you feel the same way.
19:20Particularly now you're beginning to lose your looks a bit.
19:24Really?
19:26Oh, definitely.
19:29Besides which, I'm mindful of the approaching promotion review board.
19:33My home life needs to appear solid, plain and simple.
19:36And they don't come much more solid, plain and simple than you own.
19:43So what I'm saying is, how about it?
19:46Let's get married.
19:49No. In fact, I'm leaving you.
19:52Good, good. I thought a fairly simple ceremony, you know,
19:55just you, me and a bottle of Sainsbury's sparkling.
19:58And perhaps a honeymoon looking at some medieval churches in Lincolnshire.
20:02Now, I expect you're looking forward to a bit of roly-poly.
20:08Patricia?
20:10So she turned you down, like an old duvet.
20:17I was so sure of my ground.
20:20It must have been something to do with the way I proposed.
20:24Well, it can't have been any worse than when I did it, sir.
20:27I had ten bottles of Guinness to get my courage up.
20:30Did you go down on one knee?
20:32I went down on all fours.
20:35How could I have got it so wrong?
20:38Oh, I'm sure you made a very nice proposal, sir.
20:41Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I did.
20:43Wine, candles cost me a pretty penny, I can tell you.
20:47But there's no pleasing some women.
20:49Any woman, sir.
20:51And I was making a very attractive offer, I can assure you.
20:54It wasn't just my cuisine I dangled in front of her.
20:57Oh, no?
20:59What else did you dangle?
21:01My prospects at dinner.
21:05My mum won't even let me put my elbows on Patricia.
21:10The promotion review board are coming tomorrow.
21:13She could have been married to a chief inspector, but oh, no.
21:17Well, it's her loss.
21:19She'll get that promotion anyway, become enormously successful,
21:22and she'll wonder why I didn't propose to her.
21:25Enormously successful, and she'll wonder why she ever let me go.
21:29I expect it'll be all your annoying little habits that put her off.
21:33I beg your pardon?
21:35Well, that's what normally spits people up.
21:37Annoying habits.
21:39Like picking your nose and then staring at it, do you?
21:42Oh, I do not, you foul boy.
21:44How about blowing off under the sheets and going,
21:46Blimey, nobody smoke?
21:48Be quiet, Goody.
21:51Well, you certainly slurp your tea,
21:54because that gets on everyone's nose.
21:59Women.
22:01Can't flipping please them, no matter what you do.
22:05I bought her a 250-gram box of Milk Tray.
22:12She only says she wants champagne.
22:15I managed to get her to settle for a bottle of Asti,
22:18but it still meant getting in the car.
22:20Well, I reckon the problem is you're both too nice.
22:23Birds don't appreciate it.
22:25Treat them mean, keep them keen.
22:27Walk away.
22:29Ta-ta, babes, it's been fun, but your luck's run out.
22:32There's plenty more nuggets in a family portion,
22:35and I've stuck my toothbrush in your mug for the last time.
22:39And for those of us whose first language is English?
22:44Forget it all for a night.
22:46Babes, get out on the pool,
22:48meet some other girls for a change,
22:50have a drink, a laugh.
22:52Well, I suppose it can't hurt.
22:54Well, I'm not going.
22:56You sad single blokes can fritter your lives away,
23:01but I am a steady family man,
23:04leading a steady family life.
23:07Things which I can assure you
23:09I will be pointing out at the promotion review board tomorrow.
23:17DOOR SLAMS
23:19It all happened so quickly, Maggie, I don't know what to do.
23:22Well, the way I see it
23:24is this is an opportunity for you to spread your wings, Pat.
23:27Feel the wind beneath them.
23:29Glory in the forgotten joy of spontaneity and adventure.
23:33You mean go out and bonk someone, don't you?
23:35Yeah.
23:37Oh, I couldn't do that.
23:39Well, at least have a laugh.
23:41You know, a bop, then a snog, then a curry, then a coffee.
23:44It's a jest copulation, you just call a cab.
23:47It wouldn't work, Maggie.
23:49I've never been any good at meeting blokes.
23:51I was the only girl at Hendon
23:53that had a packet of condoms that was past its have-it-off-by date.
23:57I'll pick you up at eight.
24:04What are you lurking about for, Kevin?
24:07Oh, just waiting to give you a sneak peek at my great big packet.
24:12That'll speak to your mother.
24:14Yes, well, do if you like, because I don't care,
24:16cos she'll be pleased.
24:18Because...
24:21..an abominiser!
24:25All I have to do is lie on this for a few minutes a day
24:30and I'll look just like her.
24:32Him, him, him, him.
24:34Oh, yes, in a week or two,
24:36when I'm an enormous, bulbous sex god,
24:39you won't be able to keep your hands off my lower lumbar.
24:43So watch out, babes, because there'll be a queue.
24:54HE PANTS
25:09DOOR OPENS
25:17Well, well, hello.
25:21You are a pretty little thing, aren't you?
25:25Well, don't be shy.
25:27You know, I've had my eye on you for some time.
25:32How could I resist such a scrummy little honey bunny?
25:36Well, it's very kind of you to say so, sir.
25:38What did Satan's nuts bite you?
25:40No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
25:42My heart belongs to Constable Habib.
25:44Goody, what are you doing lurking about, you foul boy?
25:47I wasn't lurking.
25:49I was just doing my exercises.
25:51Then you called me a scrummy honey bunny.
25:53I did not. I was talking to myself.
25:55Oh, well, nothing like a bit of self-confidence.
25:59But I do know what you mean.
26:02I often stand in front of the mirror and feel very sexy.
26:06Sometimes in my underpants.
26:09You understand?
26:12Lock up your daughters, Gatsforth.
26:14We are on our way.
26:16Our lads' night out is sorted.
26:18Armani Whistle, Eau Sauvage Aftershave, 100 quid in fivers,
26:22plus a couple of pound coins for a packet of three assorted flavours.
26:26Boyle, I have to warn you,
26:28Boyle, I have to warn you,
26:30if you're going to chew gum all evening,
26:33I shall thoroughly disapprove.
26:45Wait.
26:48What's that?
26:57Back at the queue, lads.
26:59Just having a drink, mate, all right?
27:01Sorry, officer. Should have clocked you.
27:03Just one moment, Constable Boyle.
27:05You're not on duty.
27:07You can't just go flashing your warrant card about.
27:10Come on, sir, you've got to use your card on the pull, haven't you?
27:14It's a bird magnet.
27:16They love it. Power is an aphrodisiac.
27:18On the pull?
27:20What in the devil's trouser press do you mean?
27:23Well, sir, you're aware of our community policing policy
27:26as laid down in the police charter.
27:28I am. To be open, courteous and approachable.
27:31And to always respond immediately to the needs of members of the public.
27:34Come then, officer. Are you going to buy me a drink, then?
27:37It's a tough job, sir, but I know me duty.
27:40Put that card away, goody.
27:48Look, I'm a policeman, too.
27:50They all say that. Got a card?
28:10MUSIC STOPS
28:27Sir, there's nothing wrong with a little dance.
28:30How can I ask anyone to dance?
28:32It's too noisy to communicate.
28:35You don't have to talk to them.
28:37Just boogie up to them and do this.
28:41If they don't naff off, you're on for the full portion.
28:44Do what?
28:46A nice little dance. Have a go.
28:50MUSIC STOPS
29:05All right, boys, keep it discreet.
29:07Gay night's juices.
29:10You can supply the drink a little later, love.
29:13I've got a nice little room upstairs.
29:15I think you've pulled already, sir.
29:19Let's go.
29:25I can't stay long, Maggie.
29:27I'm in a friend's flat while she's on holiday
29:29and I have to feed Toby her stupid dog.
29:31Hat, stop making excuses.
29:34It's a night out. Have a drink.
29:36Dance with your bloke or two.
29:38As if anyone would ask me.
29:40And I wouldn't know what to do if they did.
29:42Well, don't be over-eager.
29:44Just be dead cool and classy.
29:46You know, sophisticated.
29:48Say something like...
29:50I'd rather bop with the bits I cut off my dog's bum.
29:54Show them you're a strong, in-control woman.
29:57Excuse me? Fancy a dance?
30:00Yeah, all right.
30:07That one there might do for you, Kev.
30:09I used to know her. Lovely.
30:12Only interested in one thing.
30:14Oh, I see.
30:16A bit boring, is she?
30:21Do you think you could loosen your grip a bit, pal?
30:23I like to keep my knockers on the outside of my ribcage.
30:46LAUGHTER
31:16LAUGHTER
31:25Trisha!
31:27What in the devil's desk diary are you doing here?
31:30Dancing.
31:32If it's any business of yours.
31:34You look...
31:36You look lovely.
31:38Thanks.
31:40Your legs, they're...
31:42They're new, aren't they?
31:45Dancing ones?
31:47Perhaps we could dance together?
31:50Well, perhaps just one.
31:56I have to get back to Toby.
31:58Toby?
32:00Who's Toby?
32:02Gary says he's found you a right old slapper that even you could pull.
32:06LAUGHTER
32:12Goodbye, Constable.
32:16Goodbye, Inspector.
32:20Who's Toby?
32:31But, you know, the funny thing is, I feel great.
32:34Really great.
32:37Liberated.
32:39Patricia's building a new life with Toby.
32:42And I'm happy for her.
32:45Really happy.
32:47And did you see all those beautiful girls tonight?
32:51Ha!
32:53Talk about plenty more fish in the sea.
32:57Wahey!
32:59LAUGHTER
33:02No.
33:04I feel great.
33:06A toast.
33:08A toast to feeling great.
33:10Feeling great.
33:12LAUGHTER
33:16Are you coming out on the razz again tonight, Pat?
33:19No. I'm going to eat a bag of cream cakes,
33:21drink half a bottle of Baileys and watch telly.
33:23You miss Inspector Fowler a lot, don't you?
33:26Him? That dull, rude, boring, useless excuse
33:29of a man who'd rather read Biggles than Bonk.
33:32Of course I miss him. I love him.
33:35He looked so funny last night at the disco trying to be trendy.
33:39Oh, well, we've both made our decisions.
33:42So come on out. Let your guard down.
33:44Let your hair down. Let your mother down.
33:48No, thank you. I don't feel like it.
33:51Besides, I have to look after Toby.
33:53Honestly, it's been such a comfort having Toby around.
33:57He's really stopped me being lonely, especially at night.
34:00He just loves me for who I am, you see.
34:03And actually, even after only a couple of days,
34:06I think I love him.
34:08Mind you, I'm not saying he's not a handful.
34:10He's so rough and physical.
34:14He just leaps at you, doesn't he?
34:16Yes, he does.
34:17I hardly have time to get my coat off
34:19before he's licking me all over.
34:23Oh, I know that sort of animal.
34:25Does he want to have his head in your lap all evening?
34:28All evening, snuffling away.
34:32I try to say,
34:34no, Toby, but he looks at me with those big, beautiful,
34:38soulful eyes, his tongue hanging out.
34:40Mind you, to be honest, he can be a bit disgusting.
34:43I mean, when he sits in the middle of the carpet and licks his willy, well...
34:47LAUGHTER
34:53Medical emergency on the line.
34:55Potential fatality.
34:56Boyle, can you keep it down?
34:58I'm trying to get through to the water cooler repairs hotline.
35:01Blimey, you are in a queue, all our operators are busy.
35:05What would happen if we tried that, eh?
35:07Someone rings up dying,
35:09sorry, all our officers are busy,
35:11your emergency is in a queue
35:13and we will be doing nothing about it.
35:18Imagine that.
35:19Hello? Hello?
35:21Hello!
35:22Oh, finally, right, my water spout won't spurt.
35:27No, next week is not good enough.
35:29I've got an extremely important promotions interview this afternoon.
35:33I'm going to look a right dicky doodah
35:35with a non-functioning faucet filtering facility, aren't I?
35:40Thank you.
35:41Right, Boyle, she's going to give me instructions over the phone.
35:44Get this down.
35:46Take your water cooler, yeah,
35:50and shove it up your...
35:56Right, I'll fix it meself.
36:00Oh, jealousy.
36:03The green-eyed monster that has mocked the meat it feeds on.
36:09You know, sir,
36:10when a man has stolen your woman,
36:12there's only one thing you can do.
36:15Fight for her.
36:17I mean, when my lady left me for another man,
36:20I went looking for him and I gave him fair warning.
36:23He left her alone after that.
36:25You threatened to fight him?
36:27No, I told him not to use the potty under her bed
36:30because that is where she kept her teeth.
36:34Well, I shall neither fight nor lie to win, Patricia.
36:37She no longer loves me, and that is her right.
36:41She loves Toby.
36:44He gives her everything she needs,
36:46and as long as he looks after her and never hurts her,
36:50I have no quarrel with him.
36:57There's your tea, Pat. Thanks.
37:01Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, was there any post for me?
37:04I'm very, very excited.
37:05I've ordered some weights and some dumbbells so I can iron my pump.
37:09Oh, right. I was wondering what this was.
37:14Thanks.
37:24Anyway, so, come on, you were telling me about your new life.
37:28Oh, there's not much to tell, really.
37:30Well, how are you getting on with Toby?
37:32Well, the problem is he can be so rough.
37:35He doesn't know his own strength sometimes.
37:37He nearly knocks me over.
37:39But you're not worried he'd bite you?
37:41Well, I don't think so,
37:43but if I'm late with his dinner, he snarls and growls and looks a bit threatening.
37:47Does he insist on sleeping with you every night,
37:49even though you don't want him to?
37:50Yes, he does.
37:52I say, no, Toby, get out of my bed,
37:55but before I know it, he's on top of me all hot and panting and hairy
37:59and I have to bite him off.
38:01Patricia, I can remain silent no longer.
38:03This Toby is an animal.
38:05Yes.
38:06If I cannot have you, then I should at least protect you from swine like him.
38:10Who is this Toby?
38:11I shall thrash the monster to within an inch of his life and hang the consequences.
38:15He's a prize-winning boxer.
38:17Well, I box a little myself.
38:19And I don't care.
38:21I love you, Patricia.
38:23I always will.
38:25And if I end up being beaten to death
38:27protecting you from this filthy pervert,
38:29then I will count my life cheap.
38:31Oh, Raymond.
38:32God, I love you.
38:34What about Toby?
38:35Toby's a dog.
38:38Yes, Toby.
38:40Oh, Raymond.
38:42You wanted to be so brave, so strong.
38:45Let's start all over.
38:46Rekindle our romance.
38:48Do all the things we never did.
38:49Yes.
38:50Let's start with a half of mackerson at the Fog and Truncheon.
38:53Yes.
38:54We'll see how we go from there.
38:56Sir, you can't go out boozing now.
38:58The people from the promotion board will be here any minute.
39:01Oh, dear.
39:02Yes.
39:04No.
39:07Kindly inform them that I have more important matters to attend to.
39:11There's always next year.
39:13Come along, Patricia.
39:22Right, Boyle, this is it.
39:24New suit.
39:25New tie.
39:27Very hoity.
39:29Very toity.
39:31Got Tina to iron me socks.
39:34Even managed to fix me spell.
39:37They won't interview a smarter officer than me this week.
39:41Oh, yes.
39:42Very nice.
39:43Sir, the people from the promotion board are here.
39:46Right.
39:47This is it.
39:52Just refresh meself with a nice cup of ice-cold water from the cooler.
40:01How can I help?
40:05I think you'll agree I look rather like catch-up.
40:09You certainly do, Inspector.
40:12Good luck.
40:34Oh, dear.