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Short filmTranscript
00:002A 3.30 x 10.50
00:06StSq2 2.60 x 0.00
00:30♪
00:40♪
01:00Five. One, two, three, four, five. Fuel.
01:18Five. One, two, three, four, five. Fuel.
01:25Well?
01:28What to do? What to do?
01:38Free fuel. Get refuel for free and throw again.
01:41Let's see.
01:45How come you keep getting great cards?
01:48It's a mystery, isn't it?
01:50I've never been beaten at Monopoly, Lister.
01:54I've been defeated since birth.
01:58In the Space Scouts, my gameplay was so legendary they called me Minotaur.
02:04Is that because you were half a man, he was full of bull?
02:10Because I was like the mythological beast that no one could pass.
02:14Well, you better not throw a two and a one then, Rimmer.
02:17I'm going to throw a two and a one and land on my space station and your bank is erupted, baby.
02:23Lister, I'm not going to throw a two and a one.
02:26The odds of that are...
02:3118 to 1. It's not happening.
02:34I win. You can't complain about anything I do for an entire week.
02:38I remember the deal.
02:40I win. I can move my lips when I read.
02:44I can leave pizza on the floor so that you step in it.
02:47I can even snore like an inebriated warthog and you can't throw frozen onion barges at me.
02:55The good times are going to roll.
02:58Lister, there's only going to be one winner here and that's Votra's Truly.
03:04And when I do, as agreed,
03:07you're going to wear an evening gown day and night until you can play James Last's Polka Party on the bagpipes.
03:14Here we go. Anything but a two and a one.
03:18A two and a one. Come to daddy.
03:20No willing it.
03:21I'm willing it. I'm allowed to will it. I'm willing it.
03:24Stop willing it. You're good at willing it. No willing it.
03:29Come on.
03:37Doesn't count. Doesn't count. One of the dice came off the table.
03:41Re-throw required.
03:48It doesn't count.
03:50I use my hands. An illegal move. Naughty me.
03:54Re-throw required.
03:585,382 to one. No chance.
04:10You couldn't make this up. Wait.
04:24Re-throw.
04:28Swap chairs.
04:36Throw.
04:44Do you now accept that you threw a two and a one and you lost this game?
05:01Okay, I accept it. Just lucky for you, I'm such a good loser.
05:24Hey, this green blinker thing, we any idea what it is yet?
05:29It's an escape pod, sir.
05:31And it seems to be emitting an unclassified energy field
05:35that's causing minute disruptions to everything in the local vicinity.
05:40Pretty much as I figured then.
05:43Talk in English, would you? I'm not fluent in gibberish.
05:48This is the SS Samsara escape pod, ident 12 slash beta 2. Can you read me over?
05:54Yes, we copy. Ident 12 slash beta 2.
05:58This is very important. You must...
06:05What happened? We lose the link?
06:07No matter, sir. I'll remote control the pod into the cargo bay.
06:22Pete's ice cream in bed is just utterly...
06:29And no complaining about not being able to complain about not complaining.
06:34An entire week without being moaned at by you doesn't get better than this.
06:40Do you know what the difference is between you and me?
06:43I can't store hand luggage in me nostrils.
06:52I am cursed.
06:55I remember the day it happened.
06:57I was nine years old and this busker claimed he was an alien
07:01and wanted to sell me some lucky space dust.
07:06Even at nine I was no fool. I knew he was real.
07:12All I had was my hover fare to get me home from baton twirling practice.
07:19And as I walked off, he cursed me for life and I've never had any luck since.
07:25It was just some homeless bloke in there trying to make a book.
07:29You can't take things like that seriously.
07:32Smeg happens. You just roll with it.
07:36I've been rolling in smeg my whole damn life.
07:41Don't lecture me about smeg rolling.
07:45I never get the breaks.
07:47Oh, here we go. Where is you?
07:49Where is you?
07:50Lead a charmed life.
07:51Lead a charmed life? Well, it's true, you do.
07:53I'm alone in deep space with you. How charmed is that?
07:58The crew got wiped out. You survived. That's charmed.
08:01I survived to live the rest of my life with you. Not charmed.
08:06I'm dead. How unlucky is that?
08:08You're dead, but you're still talking.
08:11How unlucky is that?
08:13Bing bong.
08:15Sorry, sirs. The bing bong machine is being serviced this evening.
08:19I'm afraid we're on manual.
08:22Sorry to disturb, but we've salvaged an escape pod with two survivors.
08:27One Colonel Jim Green and one Professor Rachel Barker.
08:31We're just about to open the booth and take them to the science room for debriefing.
08:36Message ends. Bing bong.
08:42Acting Senior Commanding Officer Arnold J. Rimmer.
08:45An absolute pleasure to meet you.
08:47Sir, Colonel Green and Professor Barker.
08:55They're dead.
08:57Hey, the medical report's not in yet. We shouldn't jump to conclusions.
09:02We spoke to Barker, then the link went down.
09:06When we opened the pod, we discovered this.
09:08What happened?
09:10Well, they appear to have been vaporized, sir.
09:12Quite how and why, we're not sure.
09:14What do we know about them?
09:16Well, the log tells us that Green was the ship's human exploration and mission director.
09:22Barker was a computer scientist.
09:24They were both married, but not to each other.
09:27Surprising. They look like they'd be the perfect match.
09:34What became of the ship the escape pod escaped from?
09:36The SS Samsara.
09:38Have we any idea what happened to them?
09:40Well, judging from the pod's flight recorder and the fact that there's no wreckage,
09:45we believe the ship must have crashed onto this ocean moon.
09:48It seems to me we should do two things.
09:51One, scatter the ashes.
09:53And two, find this ship.
09:56Shoo!
10:02On to two, then. Find this ship.
10:27So, what are we hoping to find here?
10:30Faster than a light drive? Quantum computer?
10:34Well, to be honest, I'd settle for a bubblegum dispenser.
10:38Wow.
10:42I wonder what happened to Barker and Green.
10:45Rest in peace.
10:47We'll find them.
10:49We'll find them.
10:51We'll find them.
10:53Barker and Green.
10:55Rest, please. Thank you.
11:01Sirs, Professor Barker reporting for duty.
11:05Welcome to the Samsara, Professor.
11:07This is my colleague, Colonel Green.
11:09Barker.
11:10We were both stationed on Carcass 12, sir.
11:13Ah, Carcass 12. Of course, yes.
11:15We discovered my wife attended the same college as your husband.
11:19I must get on. I'll catch up with you later, Jim.
11:23Now, remind me, you were a computer scientist specialising in...
11:27What was it again?
11:29I've missed you so much.
11:31I thought you would never get the transfer.
11:33Nor me.
11:35Let's go to my quarters.
11:42Look at this dust. I love dust.
11:45After fluff, it's my all-time favourite dirt.
11:50You have any idea what caused this crate to crash?
11:53Nothing yet, sir.
11:55It's a state-of-the-art research ship with self-repairing engine parts.
12:00Crashing should have been out of the question.
12:03What's this?
12:10Well...
12:12You can see why they crashed.
12:14You didn't tell me about it.
12:17How can you fly a spaceship and at the exact same time all play Twister?
12:24I don't think it was Twister they were playing.
12:27Not properly, that's for sure.
12:30Twister is a three-player game.
12:33Everyone here has just waded right in.
12:38Hey, wait your turn, buddy.
12:40What's the rush?
12:43This is worse than Freshers Week at art school.
12:47How did they die like this? It doesn't make sense.
12:50According to the size scan, they were flash-heated to death.
12:55An instant blast of extreme temperature killing them instantly,
12:59but preserving their body positions.
13:02Spooky.
13:04Agreed, sir.
13:06A cold chill has just run straight down my spine.
13:09Yeah, that was me. Spilled some lager down your back.
13:15Who turned that on?
13:17The mainframe probably detected us.
13:20Check this.
13:24According to his dog tag, this man was the captain, Tom Cadry.
13:29Indecipherable gibberish.
13:31What kind of writing's that, gelf?
13:33Looks like Welsh after about 15 pints.
13:36Strange. That dialect is not on my database.
13:39Maybe it is Welsh after about 15 pints.
13:42I wonder.
13:45Sir, would you mind sitting down?
13:48For me?
13:53Dictation on.
13:55Permission to strangle you, sir?
13:57Ah, granted.
14:07So maybe the captain was strangled by this person here who's been stabbed.
14:13Perhaps the next hub will offer a clue.
14:17Thanks for that, Crane. Very well explained.
14:24Jim, I'm so sorry I'm late.
14:27It's all right. It's only been an hour.
14:29I think I must have eaten some bad fish last night.
14:32I've been feeling really ill.
14:34Shall we go to your place?
14:36Ah!
14:37What happened to your back?
14:39A herniated disc. I've been having the worst luck recently.
14:57Nothing of interest here. Let's try the next one.
15:00Look at this.
15:02Look at this.
15:04A one-armed bandit.
15:06How cool is this?
15:08I need a coin.
15:15Morphine, eh?
15:17Why can't I take money from the orphan fund?
15:19Are you really going to take it? Who's going to know?
15:22Only you.
15:24In your conscience.
15:26Forever.
15:28Just relax, would you?
15:32Oh!
15:46Ooh! What was that?
15:48What was what?
15:50Something just dripped on my head from the ceiling.
15:52Where?
15:54Up there, I think.
15:58What the hell is happening?
16:00I've got this thing.
16:02I'll get something to cut it.
16:04Don't move!
16:05I don't like it. I'm going to move.
16:07Sorry.
16:19I saved you, bud.
16:26Ah!
16:28Don't move.
16:30I've got a knife in my foot. You think I can move?
16:33I'm just going to ease it out.
16:35Ease it out, right?
16:36Nice and easy.
16:38And you're not just saying that to make me relax,
16:40because you think the best thing to do is to jerk that sucker out of there
16:43with one big ass yank.
16:45Ah!
16:47I had no choice. It was the only way to get it out.
16:50Huh?
16:52I think I've gone blind.
16:55There must be something to do with my foot.
17:00I've got foot and eye disease.
17:03Relax, man. It's just a power cut.
17:06What a relief.
17:08For a second there, I thought I'd never see myself again.
17:14Plus, having to choose an outfit every day that matches your guide dog.
17:20Don't even go there.
17:24The door's locking.
17:41Sir, the door's a double seal. We'll never get through.
17:44So what do we do?
17:46Suggest we head for the next chamber
17:48and see if there's an access port back to the main hub.
17:53Where's your torch?
17:55I left it in the other chamber.
17:57I left mine, too. I can't see a thing.
17:59Give my eyes a minute to adjust.
18:03Oh, wow!
18:05What, they're readjusted? What do you see?
18:08That it's really dark.
18:11Can't you see that?
18:13Of course I can see that, you smegger.
18:16But you can see in the dark, right?
18:18With your super-see-cat's eyes, right?
18:21And you can swing from trees, right?
18:23With your super-swingy-monkey arms, right?
18:27We evolved.
18:29So did we.
18:30Who'd evolve so that they can't see in the dark?
18:33Who evolved so you can't swing from trees?
18:37You'd never be late for anything.
18:39Quiet.
18:41River.
18:43Help.
18:46I suppose we just gotta sit tight.
18:48I'm gonna fix my foot.
18:50First aid kit. You sit down.
19:05I can't see a thing.
19:21What the hell was that?
19:23A ship slipping into the mush.
19:25We're gonna die, I just know it.
19:29How come you're so damn chill?
19:31We've got to be careful.
19:33We're gonna die.
19:35We're gonna die.
19:37We're gonna die.
19:39We're gonna die.
19:41We're gonna die.
19:43We're gonna die.
19:45We're gonna die.
19:47We're gonna die.
19:49We've got to chill.
19:51We've got to stay cool, haven't we?
19:53Don't want the ship sliding anymore.
19:55We'll sit tight here, fix your foot,
19:58wait for those to find us,
20:00and then we'll get out of town.
20:02You're right. Stay calm.
20:04We've got food, water, everything we need.
20:07You and me, we could survive in here for days,
20:10weeks, months even.
20:13Just the two of us.
20:15Chrysan!
20:19Sir, are you okay?
20:28I think so.
20:36What is that?
20:37I believe it's a karma drive, sir.
20:40A what?
20:41It's based on the old Justice World tech, where the pain an individual inflicts on another
20:47is redirected back on them.
20:50With one important difference.
20:52The karma drive has two modes, a punishment setting and a reward setting.
20:57What's the point of that?
20:59They were designed for long haul space missions.
21:02They were intended to promote teamwork, reward kindness, understanding, and ethical behavior.
21:09So how does it work exactly?
21:11Well it creates a karma field that analyzes behavior and then manipulates reality to reward
21:18or punish.
21:20So when you behave ethically, the ship rewards you.
21:23How?
21:24Your coffee is fresh, your shower is warm, your food is tasty.
21:28But that doesn't make sense.
21:31Morality changes across time and cultures.
21:34Once slavery was an accepted way of life, now it's considered repugnant.
21:39Who decides what's immoral and moral?
21:42Well, it's programmable, sir, and that's what made the karma drive such a dangerous piece
21:46of kit.
21:48Anyone can implement their moral code of their choice and then force others to live by it.
21:53I wonder if that's what happened to me on Red Dwarf when I lost at Minopoly.
21:58Did Red Dwarf enter the karma drive's field?
22:03Was the drive manipulating the dice somehow?
22:06I don't understand, sir.
22:07I threw a two and a one seven times in a row.
22:10What are the odds of that?
22:12Sixty-two million to one, sir.
22:14About the same odds as being killed by a tangerine.
22:21Why punish me?
22:22I wasn't doing anything wrong.
22:24Crichton, this karma drive is too unpredictable.
22:27We've got to get out of here pronto.
22:29Sir, there is no cause for alarm.
22:31We're under no danger as long as we don't do anything vindictive, selfish, or unethical.
22:37Crichton, we're in big trouble.
22:40Sir, you just have to be nice to me.
22:44Big, big trouble.
22:47The karma drive report has just come down from Central Ops, and it doesn't make for
22:51pleasant reading.
22:53You both have committed a whole range of misdemeanors.
22:55There's a karma drive on board.
22:57Last week alone, extramarital sex, eighteen times.
23:02Extramarital fondling, sixty-seven times.
23:05Extramarital licking, whipped cream off another's...
23:07We get the picture.
23:08It goes on.
23:10You, Rachel, have lied this week to your husband and others, ninety-three times.
23:13That's just not true.
23:15Ninety-four times.
23:18You've been unkind twenty times, criticized others forty times, and not said thank you
23:22twice.
23:23Captain, we're in love.
23:26When you signed up for this tour of duty, you agreed to abide by the moral code selected
23:31for this ship.
23:32So, we're all supposed to live the megacore dream, where the married stay married, and
23:37sons call their fathers sir, and everyone eats lots of homemade apple pie?
23:42You got it.
23:43So, start squirting your whipped cream on apple pie, and not on one another's body parts.
23:51Hey!
23:53Good job on the foot, bud.
23:55Yeah.
23:56You even managed to save the boot.
24:00We've got to think of a way to get out of here.
24:03Ah, just give me, like, ten minutes.
24:05I better come up with a plan.
24:06I get great ideas all the time.
24:08I just don't say them out loud.
24:12You say everything you think out loud.
24:14I'm like that inventor guy.
24:16Begins with R.
24:18Rosenthal?
24:19Sidney Rosenthal?
24:20Who?
24:21Inventor of the magic marker.
24:23Magic marker?
24:24The guy I'm talking about is real.
24:26He ain't no wizard out of a book with his magic pen.
24:31Inventor guy.
24:32Begins with R.
24:34I got it.
24:35I got it.
24:36The inventor guy, I'm like, begins with R.
24:39Who?
24:40Archimedes.
24:44Archimedes.
24:45Archimedes.
24:47The guy that sat under trees and invented stuff.
24:50That was Newton.
24:52You never heard this story?
24:55So, one day Archimedes is sitting under a tree.
24:59Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this bear hits him on the head.
25:03Pow!
25:06And he gets up, shouts for Micah, and invents gravy.
25:13It was Newton who was sat under the tree.
25:16And he discovered gravity when he got hit on the head by an apple.
25:21An apple can't concuss you.
25:23That ain't gonna make you stagger around, shout for Micah, and invent gravy.
25:31For Micah is a heat-resistant, wipe-clean plastic laminate.
25:36Who'd shout for Micah?
25:38It doesn't make any sense. No one shouts for Micah.
25:43You get hit on the head with a bear, everyone shouts for Micah.
25:49Look, Archimedes discovered something to do with water displacement
25:53when he was sat in the bath and he shouted, Eureka.
25:59So, Mr. Allen Einstein.
26:06Answer me this.
26:08Who invented gravy?
26:10No one?
26:11Did it just magically appear one day like your stupid wizard pen?
26:19God, I'm so painkiller.
26:23OK, listen.
26:26Answer me this.
26:28How does a bath fall out of a tree?
26:30A plane, dummy.
26:34Taken off.
26:36They probably forgot to shut the back door.
26:39And the bath slid all the way from first class.
26:43Whoosh! Through the curtains, into business.
26:47Whoosh! Through the curtains, into premium.
26:50Whoosh! Through the curtains and straight into the poor people's section.
26:56Coincidentally, probably still haven't even had a bag of peanuts
27:00while the dudes in first have already eaten, watched a movie
27:04and are all now having a bath.
27:08Meanwhile, Archie's sitting under his tree.
27:11Clang! Invents gravy.
27:18Then because everyone's so damn happy because everyone loves gravy, right?
27:22They gave him a special hat to wear at night to cover up the bruising.
27:30A special hat?
27:32They gave him a knighthood.
27:37A knighthood.
27:39Not a special hat to wear at night to cover up the bruising.
27:44Man, I try to teach you stuff, I don't know why I bother.
27:52What's that saying?
27:54You can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.
28:01For Christ's sake!
28:03Help!
28:06Help!
28:10720 metres, sir. The ship's nearly at crush depth.
28:14The Karma Drive is controlling everything on board.
28:18We have to be kind to one another
28:20to stand any chance to save Mr. Lister and Mr. Cat.
28:24An excellent suggestion, Crichton.
28:26That's very insightful of you to make such a helpful recommendation
28:29and I thank you greatly.
28:32Argh! Static!
28:36I was complimenting you.
28:38Why did it punish me?
28:40Perhaps it wasn't genuine, sir.
28:42I've got to be genuinely nice?
28:46Oh, this is impossible.
28:50Dear Lord.
28:51What?
28:52Think I know what killed the crew, sir.
28:55The ship's quantum motherboards are power-loading to flash-heat the ship.
29:00We're going to get flash-heated? How long have we got?
29:03I'm not sure, sir.
29:05Why am I asking you?
29:07Someone with a head shaped like something produced in a geriatrics pottery class.
29:16Oh! The power-loading has stopped, sir.
29:19The temperature's cooling? Why?
29:22Of course. That's it!
29:25Man, she was the greatest soldier in history.
29:30Led her people to victory.
29:33Julie Caesar.
29:38Oh, Crichton, thank God, thank God.
29:42No one should have to suffer like this.
29:45He's right.
29:46If I wasn't there for him to talk to, he'd probably have gone crazy.
29:51Right, man, it's so good to see you.
29:54Sir, stop.
29:55Stop what?
29:56You stand there with your 1970s cover band haircut,
30:01and I say to you, don't be nice to me.
30:08We know what happened to Barker.
30:13And Green.
30:14And Green!
30:19What happened to you? Your hair's insane.
30:22I went to the ship's salon for a makeover.
30:25Look what the robo-stylist did to me.
30:27Yeah, similar thing happened to me at the dentist.
30:30Every chance it gets, the Karma Drive is punishing us.
30:34The showers are freezing, the air-con's icy.
30:37I had to wait two hours just to...
30:39Have you tasted the food?
30:49Jim, I can't take this anymore.
30:51We've got no choice.
30:53Yes, we do.
30:55I am a computer scientist, for God's sakes.
30:58If I can access the KD's mainframe,
31:01then perhaps I can reverse the protocol.
31:04Give us some respite, even if it is only for one night.
31:08Reverse?
31:09So it rewards the unethical and punishes the good?
31:12Just one night.
31:14Then we'll stop seeing each other,
31:17till we get back home.
31:19Barker and Green reversed the protocols,
31:22and as a consequence, good behaviour was punished
31:25and immoral behaviour was rewarded.
31:28Crichton just figured it out, saved all our necks.
31:31Crichton, if you weren't so ugly, I could kiss you.
31:34Oh, well, you could shake my hand, sir.
31:37Still too ugly.
31:40You see? Unkindness rewarded.
31:43This is all beginning to make sense. I mean, think back.
31:46I mean, the cat nicked the money out of the orphan fund
31:49to play the one-armed bandit,
31:51and I won the jackpot.
31:53You were rewarded for stealing.
31:55And I put the winnings back into the orphan can
31:58and got me locks caught in a shredder.
32:00You were punished for being benevolent.
32:02I saved him and got a knife in my foot.
32:04I fixed his foot, and he got to spend quality time with me.
32:11Moving swiftly on.
32:13Who reversed the protocols and why?
32:15Well, best guess, Green and Barker were having an affair
32:19and wanted to spend time together.
32:21How sad is that?
32:23I mean, basically, their love for one another
32:25brought down the entire ship.
32:27One thing I don't understand...
32:30Well, actually, there are about 40 things I don't understand.
32:35How come Green and Barker weren't flash-heated with the rest of the crew?
32:40While the rest of the crew survived by acting immorally,
32:44Green and Barker realized they could escape,
32:47so long as that escape was unethical.
32:51So they took the ship's only escape pod and fled.
32:54And then they went into cryosleep for millions of years.
32:57Where they were safe.
32:59But when they tried to warn us about the karma field,
33:02An act of kindness?
33:03The karma drive had them vaporized.
33:05So where does that leave us?
33:07It leaves us getting the hell out of here really carefully.
33:10We just have to remember to avoid being honest, moral, kind, selfless and helpful.
33:15It's not fair, you've got such an advantage.
33:20Hey, what's that?
33:23Fuel tax missed three goes.
33:26Hey, how come you've got so many Monopoly cards in your pocket?
33:33It's cold outside
33:37There's no kind of atmosphere
33:39I'm all alone
33:41More or less
33:43Let me fly
33:45Let the colors reappear
33:47One, one, one
33:50It's the sun, sun, sun
33:54I want to lie
33:57Share a plexiglass with you
33:59Drinking fresh mango juice
34:03Your face shows
34:05Rippling out my toes
34:07One, one, one
34:10It's the sun, sun, sun
34:14One, one, one
34:18It's the sun, sun, sun
34:29Thanks for watching!