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Short filmTranscript
00:30As we stand here this morning, in an unknown galaxy, on the outer reaches of the solar
00:42system, and I claim this planetoid rich in Helium-7 on behalf of the Jupiter Mining Corporation,
00:48it is only fitting we remember the generations that came before us.
00:52It is to their memory, their greatness, their infinite glorious accomplishments, that I
00:57humbly name this moon, Rimmer.
01:02In the same spirit of benevolence, I've also graciously agreed to lend my name to the star
01:06this moon orbits, which from this moment on, shall be known as, Sunny Rim.
01:14Gentlemen, to Rimmer, a moon rich in Helium-7, the most valuable gas in the universe.
01:23To Rimmer, so full of gas.
01:26Sir, there appears to be some kind of solar storm coming in from the west.
01:30You should engage skedaddle mode.
01:31But the Helium-7, we need to mine it.
01:34There's no time, sir.
01:36But Helium-7's incredibly scarce.
01:38It's rarer than an un-groped bottom at the BBC in the 1970s.
01:41It's worth a fortune.
01:43If we ever get back to Earth in the 23rd century, I'll get a finder's fee.
01:47One hour, that's all I'm asking.
01:49But can't you see?
01:50If you're hanging around here in that storm's brewing, you're going to get wiped.
01:54I'm begging you.
01:55Day!
02:00I'll still be rich beyond my wildest dreams just with this.
02:04Don't worry, I won't change.
02:06That's the tragedy of it.
02:15Check this.
02:16That's no solar storm.
02:18What the hell is it?
02:19It looks like a big, wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing, and it's heading straight for us.
02:23I want a full Space Corps-verified diagnostic on that thing.
02:26Already printing, sir.
02:27Well, what is it?
02:28It says it's a big, wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing, and it's heading straight for us.
02:34Here it comes.
02:41What the hell just happened?
02:43People have had acid trips that have made more sense than that.
02:45I've had directions from drunken Scotsmen that have made more sense than that.
02:50Any theories?
02:51I believe the ship may have been hit by a temporal wash from a time wave, sir.
02:56It's been what?
02:57By a what?
02:58From a what?
02:59Well, much as a tsunami is caused by a large displacement of water in the seabed, a time
03:03wave is created by an imploding black hole, causing space-time to contort into a series
03:08of waves.
03:10Much as a what?
03:11Causes a what?
03:12Into a series of whats?
03:13Now, when the wave moves forward, artifacts from the past can be washed up into the present,
03:19and when the wave withdraws, artifacts from the present can be swept back into the past.
03:23It sounds like a free ride out of here.
03:25Show me where to stand.
03:26Sir, whoever is hit is likely to be swept into an uninhabitable part of deep space.
03:31Quick, show him where to stand.
03:33We've got to avoid this wave at all costs.
03:35How long before the next one?
03:36Impossible to predict.
03:37So what do we do if this wave shows up?
03:39We'll have to outrun it.
03:40Maybe if we lost some weight, jettison some unnecessary cargo?
03:44Go stand in the airlock and leave the rest to me.
03:48Wait, check this in Vector 4.
03:49There's a ship just shown up on the scans.
03:52The SS Enconium.
03:53They're from 24th century Earth, and their ship possesses a faster-than-light drive.
03:58Something's wrong.
03:59They're locked onto a crash course straight into the heart of Planet Rimmer.
04:03Are you serious?
04:05That's terrible.
04:06Is Planet Rimmer going to be okay?
04:07The impact is likely to cause an explosion, which could well ignite the Helium-7.
04:12And kill Planet Rimmer?
04:14And kill everything in this vicinity.
04:16Including Planet Rimmer?
04:17Including everything?
04:18We need to board that ship and stop it crashing.
04:20And save Planet Rimmer.
04:21Save the crew.
04:23And Planet Rimmer.
04:35This mechanoid is reversing.
04:39This mechanoid is reversing.
04:44How long before we dock, right?
04:46Well, just 30 minutes, sir.
04:47So I thought now might be a good time to share the intel I've uncovered on the Enconium.
04:51It appears they have some rather strange laws.
04:54Strange how?
04:55Well, on their ship, criticism is illegal.
05:01A ship free of criticism, what a place that must be.
05:04A world where no one is blamed or rebuked, and no one gets mocked or ridiculed.
05:08That's what they say, but they'll never hold out after they meet you.
05:12You screw up and no one tells you.
05:13What good's that?
05:14That's easy for you to say, Lister.
05:15But how would you feel if you were ridiculed every day?
05:17Wedgied every night?
05:18And sometimes even had your head shoved down the toilet and the chain pulled?
05:22But we've stopped doing that now.
05:24Six years old, my parents had to send me to a different prep school so I could get my confidence back.
05:29Games weren't competitive at St. Tremble's.
05:33So what did you do on Sports Day?
05:34Sports Day, 100 metres, you could run in any direction you wanted.
05:37Or paint a picture, or stay at home and watch TV.
05:41And everyone got a You're Really Special trophy in the party bag.
05:45You've got to roll with it.
05:46You get knocked down, you get back up again, you slug it out.
05:49If I'd have got upset with every bit of criticism I ever got, where do you think I'd be now?
05:52Not single, not pudgy, and probably not doomed to roam deep space with a terrible haircut.
05:57Seriously, please.
05:58When we board the Inconium, we must remember to respect their laws and not criticise each other.
06:04How long have we got to hold out?
06:05Just an hour, sir.
06:06A whole hour?
06:07In that case, you'd better pack earplugs and six rolls of duct tape.
06:11I wonder why the Inconium made criticism illegal.
06:14Well, according to their databanks, they believe when people criticise,
06:18they feel a steam-inflating superiority which causes the pleasure chemical dopamine to be released in the brain.
06:24And dopamine's bad?
06:25Too much dopamine is like taking cocaine, sir.
06:27It over-excites the receptors between brain cells, causing hyperactivity and engorged self-worth.
06:33So people who criticise get high on criticism.
06:36It seems they've become addicted, needing to criticise more and more to produce the same original high.
06:41This explains so much, junkie.
06:46Well, criticism can be good, Carney. I mean, it forces people to become better.
06:50Well, not always, sir. I mean, take you.
06:54What about me?
06:55Well, as a guitarist, you've been criticised, belittled, decried, vilified, panned and slammed your whole life.
07:02And your point is?
07:04You still utterly suck, sir.
07:08No, I don't.
07:09I mean, OK, fair play. Back in the day, I was a bit of a tone-deaf plucker.
07:13But I took that criticism on board. I dedicated myself to getting better.
07:17And now?
07:18So long, plucker. Hello, Davey Three Chords.
07:23Fuck.
07:34Fuck.
07:43Gereni to the stars.
07:47Ah, look at that one.
07:49They've got little kids on board as well.
07:51By First Lieutenant Edward Moore, aged 34 and a half.
07:57So everything these guys do, no matter how garbage, gets to go on the wall?
08:00Just like at St Trimble's.
08:02And the Tate Modern.
08:05The frames aren't even straight. I hate that.
08:07Hey, guys, show this.
08:09To the tower of the moon, you will learn that we are all part of the tree of life.
08:14And on the tree, you are a fruit.
08:19I am a fruit, a lovely fruit. Let me play the flute.
08:23Let me remind you, gentlemen, that what we're all thinking right now is illegal here.
08:28My friends!
08:31A duct tape on standby, sirs.
08:33Welcome to our ship. Now, my name is Ziggy Bryceman.
08:37Apologies for not returning your handshake.
08:40But our communication system is being repaired.
08:42And the hairdressers who are carrying out the work haven't quite determined what's wrong yet.
08:46Oh, oh, oh.
08:49The hairdressers who are carrying out the work haven't quite determined what's wrong yet.
08:52Oh, also, our lifts are being serviced by the catering department.
08:56So, therefore, to the stairs.
08:58Wouldn't it be better if your lifts were serviced by the lift service people?
09:02Oh, unfortunately, they're all too busy working at the hospital.
09:05Trying to figure out why no one's getting better.
09:08This way, my friends.
09:10I don't know if you're aware, but you've been washed up three million years into deep space.
09:14And you're on a crash course straight into a Helium 7 moon.
09:17I love your accent.
09:20It is cuter than a kitten with a toilet roll.
09:25Now, let me take you along to our diner.
09:27And then I'm gonna honk on our captain, okay?
09:30This way.
09:33What the hell's he doing?
09:35At best guess, the Inconium crew are encouraged to express themselves without fear of scorn or ridicule.
09:41Bring back scorn and ridicule. That's what I say.
09:45Sir, please. Didn't we talk about respecting other cultures?
09:48When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
10:07Hey, bud, you should stick around.
10:09The arms song could go platinum here.
10:11I love the atmosphere. It's so relaxing.
10:13No one cares if you're right or wrong, good or bad.
10:15Maybe they're onto something.
10:16I mean, take me.
10:17Back in the day, I misrepaired a drive plate and killed over a thousand people.
10:21Now, in our culture, that sort of thing is really frowned upon.
10:25But here, you just move on.
10:27Here's your coffee, sir.
10:29Be careful. It's very, very hot.
10:32What's the daisy?
10:34She's just broiled my love spuds and doesn't even say sorry.
10:38She's just broiled my love spuds and doesn't even say sorry.
10:41She's moved on.
10:43Look at the state of me.
10:44Okay, here we are.
10:46I have one processed sausage with sprouts and a radish juice.
10:50And one warm goat salad.
10:52We didn't order any food.
10:54And we haven't ordered any drinks.
10:56Though I wouldn't mind ordering a fresh pair of testicles because these two are ruined.
11:02Are you criticizing me?
11:03No, no, no. He's not criticizing you. I am.
11:05This food looks gross.
11:08Critics! Help!
11:09Let's get out of here.
11:11If Alan Head's right, let's scoot while we still can.
11:13Yeah, come on. Back to Starbuck.
11:15Nothing works here, especially the people.
11:33Good evening, sir.
11:34Evening, officer.
11:35Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?
11:37No, I haven't got a clue, no.
11:38You been doing any criticizing this evening, sir?
11:41Criticizing? No, not at all, no.
11:43It's just that we had a report of some illegal castigation in the diner this evening, sir.
11:48What about you, lads?
11:50You been doing any criticizing this evening?
11:52No, no.
11:54A little bit of chiding, perhaps?
11:56Chiding? No.
11:57How about blaming, sir?
11:58No.
11:59Harping?
12:00A little bit of panning?
12:01Ooh!
12:02Not even scoffing?
12:03Nothing.
12:05You're not criticizing for me then, will you, sir?
12:07What?
12:08Go on, blow as hard as you can.
12:16You've got a reading of 95, sir.
12:18Is that good? Bad? What does that mean?
12:20It means that your friend is way over the criticism limit, sir.
12:22I may have to take him down to the station.
12:24Now, wait a minute.
12:26You're telling me to wait, sir?
12:27Well, yes.
12:28Implying that I'm going too fast and therefore criticizing me?
12:31Look.
12:32Are you telling me to look?
12:34Implying that my attention isn't focused in the correct direction.
12:36Therefore implying that my...
12:38I am not criticizing you, OK?
12:40Look, we're here to warn you that your ship is on a collision course
12:43with a very important moon called Planet Rimmer.
12:47I'm going to let you off with a caution.
12:49Caution?
12:50How dumb is this guy?
12:59Hey!
13:00Lieutenant Asshole!
13:04If you don't move your dumbass spaceship
13:06we're going to be flattered in your wife's droopy-ass titties.
13:34LAUGHTER
13:59Wait a minute!
14:00Why have you taken his straitjacket off?
14:03He's an alien. He's not a danger to anyone, is he?
14:05Well, he is to us.
14:06Who cares about you?
14:08Don't talk to him.
14:09Don't make eye contact.
14:10Pretend he's not here.
14:11All right, mate.
14:12How you doing?
14:13I've been better.
14:15I'll tell you that.
14:20How long you in for?
14:21Life.
14:22What for?
14:23Tutting.
14:26Tutting?
14:28He drove me to it.
14:31I'm in the queue.
14:33In the canteen.
14:34Queue end.
14:35Finally.
14:36I get to the front.
14:37My turn to get served.
14:39And they say,
14:41Sorry, love.
14:42We've just closed.
14:43So I go,
14:46Tsk.
14:48I'm just like,
14:49Tsk.
14:50And you go,
14:51I just called that couple a Lieutenant Asshole,
14:52so what am I going to give?
14:54Don't worry.
14:55They'll probably drain you.
14:57What's that?
14:58Not that I'm implying there's anything wrong with draining.
15:00He's probably really lovely.
15:01What the hell are we going to do?
15:02We've got to get out of here.
15:04Get to the engine room.
15:05And get this ship off the crash course.
15:07And save planet Remma.
15:08And save us.
15:10Sir, may I borrow one of your boots?
15:12Crichton, my boots can't cause diversions like they used to.
15:15He wears older eaters now.
15:17I'm looking for a soil sample, sir, from that moon this morning.
15:20The Helium-7.
15:21Which I can then fuse with the deuterium I have in my isotope sample store in my arm.
15:26And create a small contained explosion.
15:30Why do you collect isotope samples and keep them in your arm?
15:33Why do you collect miniature Napoleonic soldiers and keep them in your locker?
15:39You're weird.
15:40I'm weird.
15:41At least my isotope collection could come in useful.
15:44Next time we're in a jam and one of your six regiment trumpeters saves us,
15:48I'll eat my crevice brush.
15:51There.
15:53Excellent.
16:00Here, boys.
16:01Take me with you.
16:02I promise I'm no danger to the outside world anymore.
16:05I'll never talk again.
16:14Where are you taking us?
16:15I'm taking you to where all the worst criticisers go.
16:17The backseat drivers.
16:19They're not all there.
16:20Surely you can see.
16:22A society without criticism is utterly...
16:24You don't know what it means to be a critic.
16:26Surely you can see.
16:27A society without criticism is utterly...
16:29You don't know what it was like before.
16:31It was a shambles.
16:32Everyone arguing.
16:33Constantly choosing new captains.
16:35So they brought in the anti-criticism law to make people more tolerant.
16:39Any smegger can see that society can't function like that.
16:43Yeah, but once they outlawed criticism,
16:45nobody could criticise the criticism law because it was illegal to criticise.
16:49Idiots!
16:53Oh!
16:57I just criticised something, didn't I?
17:00Oh, God, I've not done that for ages.
17:02That felt good!
17:07Criticising's great, isn't it?
17:09Gives you a real lift.
17:12I don't like your shoes, by the way.
17:16What's the story with his head?
17:18Looks like something from that TV show when circumstances go wrong.
17:24Look, you've got to help us.
17:25If you don't get your ship off this crash course, we're all dead.
17:28Look, the bridge is that way.
17:30I'll pretend you escaped.
17:31Won't you get in trouble?
17:32How?
17:33Nobody can criticise you here.
17:35Now, get going before somebody comes.
17:37Oh, by the way, you are way too old to be wearing leather pants.
17:41Nobody move!
17:42Please.
17:43Did you help them?
17:44Did you betray us?
17:45Did you?
17:46Yeah, I did, Ziggy.
17:49I betrayed this badge.
17:50I made this uniform, quite frankly.
17:53An object of ridicule.
17:56Well, there is no shame in making mistakes, Officer.
17:59You may go.
18:01To our visitors, we need to drain them.
18:12Now, we are going to drain you of all your critical faculties
18:16by removing your inner critic,
18:17that little voice in your head that stops you achieving your full potential.
18:21Now, you will no longer turn down opportunities for fear of failure or humiliation.
18:26You will only feel love for all things.
18:28They're going to turn us into hippies.
18:31I'm going to wind up like my crazy guy on the flute.
18:34Oh, that was Derek.
18:35He used to be a theatre critic.
18:37Oh, he's come so far.
18:39Look.
18:41That's his inner critic.
18:43Oh, my God!
18:44What's he turned into without me?
18:46Whatever it is, he's you.
18:48What's he turned into without me?
18:50Whatever it is, he's useless.
18:52He'll fail.
18:53He's talentless.
18:56Leave this to me.
18:58As stand-in senior acting commanding officer of the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf,
19:02and protected as I am under Space Corps Directive 381286,
19:07crite and shut up,
19:12I demand that you release us all immediately,
19:14or at least one of us as a gesture of goodwill
19:16for which I'd like to volunteer.
19:18My friend, you have nothing to fear.
19:21Happiness awaits, and you shall be the first.
19:23Let's bottle your inner critic.
19:28Now, let your critical observations flow forth.
19:32You mean I can end up loving my parents and admiring my brothers?
19:35You'll have nothing to remain dead for.
19:37Resist, sir, resist.
19:38If they remove your inner critic, you'll be changed forever.
19:41Changed forever?
19:42Listen to him.
19:44My parents were lovely, wise, thoughtful, and supportive.
19:51I achieved all my dreams, and I'm admired and respected.
19:54Don't fight it. Think of your childhood. Were you happy?
19:58I was so happy.
20:01I can't hold out much longer.
20:06My brother Howard, what an utter bastard.
20:10As for my parents and the schools they sent me to,
20:12the exams I failed and the support I never got,
20:15and why Yvonne Magruder never wanted to go on a second date with me,
20:18and my sex life was an absolute shambles.
20:21Ever since that day at school, my brother gave me sex advice.
20:24He said the most important thing was the clitoris,
20:27and I thought what he said was the most important thing was to spit on a wrist.
20:33Oh, the looks I used to get.
20:35Wait, slow down. You're criticizing faster than the extractor can cope.
20:39I've hardly started.
20:41Your inner critic's too powerful. The extractor can't process it.
20:45Well, why can't it process it?
20:47Cheap damn Minerva negative energy inner critic bottling machines.
20:50Will you stop criticizing?
20:58What was that?
21:02I'm Rimmer's inner critic.
21:04I'm the voice inside his head that reminds him he's an idle, good-for-nothing,
21:07underachieving idiot who surrounds himself with cretins to mask his own inadequacies.
21:12He hangs around with other guys besides us.
21:15Tell it to go away. Tell it to leave me alone.
21:18You need me. I protect you.
21:21Remember the school talent contest?
21:24Twelve years old, you wanted to Morris dance in front of the entire school.
21:29And you made me chicken out.
21:31We'd have been humiliated.
21:33Same with all those women I wanted to ask out on dates you claimed were out of my league.
21:37Of course I did. Anne-Marie was a solid four out of ten.
21:41We're lucky to get threes.
21:43I hate you. You'd never let me take any risks ever.
21:46I've stopped you from making a fool of yourself.
21:48But he's always making a fool of himself.
21:50Yeah, he is always making a fool of himself.
21:52So hang on, you're not doing a very good job, are you?
21:56You can't criticize me. I'm his inner critic.
21:59Where were you when Rimmer was fixing that drive plate, wiped out the crew?
22:02No one criticizes me.
22:04Why didn't you tell him he wasn't up to it? I mean, aren't you supposed to protect him?
22:07Well, yes, I suppose that...
22:09So? You failed.
22:12Well, that's not fair.
22:14I possibly didn't achieve all the goals I set out to.
22:17You're right. It failed.
22:20That's a bit strong. I didn't fully succeed.
22:23It failed.
22:24Failed? I can't believe you just said that. It failed.
22:27That's really horrible.
22:28It failed.
22:29Failed?
22:32Is he dead?
22:33Just wounded. It'll be back one day. Trust me.
22:38You achieved a positive end by using criticism to vanquish a foe.
22:43Because you can't tar all criticism with one brush.
22:46Yes, I see that now. Perhaps our philosophy is flawed.
22:50Are you criticizing your own philosophy?
22:52I suppose I am.
22:54Wait.
22:55Wait.
22:57Call together all the members of the High Chamber
23:00and warn them that I've repealed the law against criticism.
23:04From this moment on, everybody can criticize without fear of penalty.
23:10Release them.
23:14What about Planet Lumet?
23:16The ship is on a crash descent course and your engineering department don't know what the hell they're doing.
23:20We need to get to the engine room.
23:22I'll request our engineers simply return to their jobs
23:24and then we'll be out of here in a brief contraction of forward space.
23:35I've been racking my brains as to how I could thank you for showing me a new way to live.
23:40Now, my first thought was we could upgrade your mech.
23:43Then I thought, no, no, it's not special enough.
23:46Then I thought we could upgrade Red Dwarf's engine.
23:49Make it FTL.
23:51But again, I thought, no, it's not special enough.
23:54I wanted to give you something that would truly show you the depth of my gratitude for you.
24:01It's my finest work.
24:08Don't take this the wrong way, but it's not that good, to be honest.
24:12I repealed the law.
24:13Critics, I need help here.
24:15Drain them. Drain them all.
24:21It's cold outside.
24:23There's no kind of atmosphere.
24:24I'm all alone.
24:26More or less.
24:27Let me fly.
24:29Far away from here.
24:30Fun, fun, fun.
24:33In the sun, sun, sun.
24:36I want to live.
24:38Shipwrecked, sick, low, and toad.
24:40Drinking fresh mango juice.
24:42Goldfish shows.
24:44Rippling up my toes.
24:46Fun, fun, fun.
24:48In the sun, sun, sun.
24:51Fun, fun, fun.
24:54In the sun, sun, sun.