Red Dwarf S12 E06 - Skipper
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Short filmTranscript
00:30I'm busy, don't disturb me. Last time you disturbed me, I was doing the safety check
00:51and I failed to notice that the diesel decks were flooded. All I said was, help, I'm on
00:55fire. And it distracted me. I had to break off from what I was doing and put you out.
01:01I was just cooking, is that a crime? As far as I'm concerned, you're not allowed to cook.
01:06You always get distracted by your reflection in the spatula. Man, that is such a cliche.
01:12I can look at myself in the mirror without getting distracted. Hey guys. Cut. Cut. Cut.
01:29Where am I? What's happening? You'll never guess what me and Crichton have found. We've
01:34been going through human resources and found Captain Hollister's crew appraisal files.
01:39You shouldn't be reading those. They're for the captain's eyes only. Why do you think
01:42we're reading them? This is mine. Take this. David Lister, although clearly quite bright,
01:48is lazy, slovenly, rebellious, unreliable, rude and disorganized. You hear that? You
01:53thought I was quite bright? How cool is that? Let me see mine. No, no, no, no. He'll only
01:59read the good parts. Lister, hand it over. OK. This is you. Arnold J. Rimmer comes from
02:07an outstanding military family. His three brothers all hold positions of command and
02:11are hugely respected members of the Space Corps. Arnold, however, has not succeeded
02:16to the same blah, blah, blah, blah. Largely due to his blah, blah, blah, blah. Consequently
02:20and rather tragically, he's found he has never attained any of the blah, blah, blahs he set
02:24himself. In summary, he will never get blah, blah, blah in life while he continues to blame
02:29everyone for his own failings. Blame people? I don't blame people. And even if I do, I
02:35got that off my mum. She's a huge blamer. It's not my fault I never made anything of
02:41myself. What chance did I stand stuck with you lot? How's it our fault? You're supposed
02:47to surround yourself with people who are brighter and more successful than you. You have. Quite
02:54bright. I'm trying to get Mr Lister to adopt a healthier lifestyle. Fruit. You've got more
03:11chance of getting a vampire to eat garlic bread. Goodness. Have you seen this on the
03:17mid-range scan? It's quite terrifying. I've told Lister a hundred times not to use my
03:21passport photo as the screensaver. Front on has never been my best side. And why he
03:27wants to blue tack a piece of doner kebab meat to the screen to make me look like Freddie
03:31Mercury is beyond me. Just clean it off. No, sir, you don't understand. The scanner's picked
03:38something up. What is that? It appears that some kind of anomaly has penetrated our universe.
03:44I hate people who use the word anomaly. They think they're so cool. Oh, look, here's an
03:49anomaly. Anomaly away. I'm really cosmologically on trend because I know what anomaly means.
03:55It's just a fancy smancy word for weird. Sir, something weird has penetrated our universe,
04:01which appears to have caused a giant lesion across the space-time continuum. Is it OK
04:06to say lesion, sir, or would you prefer me to say cut? Lesion, cuts, they're both the same
04:10to me. It's people who say continuum I can't stand. Whatever it is, sir, it's heading our
04:16way. Can we outrun it? Sir, Red Dwarf can't outrun a fat guy with a backpack of uranium
04:22who's just scuffed the family fun bucket. What the hell was that? Some crazy quake thing.
04:31You think it's serious? Listen, unless the chick with the really calm voice starts talking,
04:35it ain't serious. Please remain calm. There is no need for alarm. It's serious. Stop panicking.
04:42All crew, please return to their quarters so we can begin a body count of the survivors.
04:47We ain't going to no sleeping quarters. We're going up to the science room to find out what
04:50the hell's happening. Damn right. What just happened? I don't know. We were in the corridor
04:59heading for the science room. I'd like to think about this. Make us a coffee, would you?
05:04Hey, I'm a cat. I ain't making you coffee. Milk and two sugars, right? Cheers, man.
05:14I just made that? When did I just make that? Why did I just make that? What the hell's going on?
05:22I don't know, but I like it. Want any biscuits? I ain't getting you no biscuits. Biscuits?
05:29Weird. What just happened? Is Red Dwarf OK? Running a damage report now, sir. And? And?
05:48As Louis XVI might have said, had he been in the exact same situation, eh?
05:53According to the computer, I haven't requested a damage report. But I just saw you request one.
05:58And I did, sir. Right. New plan. Let's not request a damage report. Instead, results now in.
06:05Is there some sort of time lag? We shouldn't tell the others until we get to the bottom of this.
06:09Can Mr. Lister and Mr. Cat please make their way to the science room? How did I get here?
06:15I didn't see you move. I wonder. Permission to try an anomalous, I mean weird, experiment, sir.
06:21How weird? Just moderately weird, sir. Say a 1989 Michael Jackson.
06:29Now, here's what I want you to do. Make a decision. And if my theory is correct, when you've made the decision, the choice you don't make will be the result.
06:37The choice I don't make? I have it. What would you like me to throw you, sir? This apple or this orange?
06:43The apple. What? That's not possible. You threw me an apple.
06:49Well, according to the many worlds interpretation of reality, every choice not taken results in the formation of a new universe that creates a new timeline and plays out the choice not taken.
07:00But now, due to the lesion, we're getting the results of the choices we haven't made feeding back to us.
07:06That's more than moderately weird, Crichton. That's more like a 1993 Michael Jackson.
07:17So what do you think's happening? I think I know, but I need to test my theory. So test it.
07:22OK. You ready? Ready. OK, then. Make my breakfast. I'm making you breakfast.
07:30Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep.
07:34More bacon, bud? I've already had breakfast. I'm not going to eat this.
07:42I am going to eat this. I don't get it.
07:47Whatever choice you make, the choice you don't make happens. We should go tell Crichton and the helicopter landing pad here.
07:53Good idea. But first, tidy my bunk. I ain't tidying your bunk.
08:00Oh, I get it now. Oh, do you? Yes!
08:05Well, polish my boots. I ain't not going to polish your boots.
08:19Damn it! You miscounted your aints and nots. So what's the plan?
08:25Well, I say let's not walk down the corridor and not get the lift to the science room.
08:29And not find the others? Exactly. My kind of mission. Let's do nothing.
08:38Oh, you had a choice to make between the lift and the stairs. I didn't think and just chose the lift.
08:44So here we are on the stairs, 229 floors above G-deck. So what are we going to do now?
08:50You've just got to decide not to use the lift and continue walking down the stairs.
08:55I think we're getting the hang of this now.
09:03It was instinct.
09:05Look, if you want to call a lift, you've got to decide not to call a lift. And then a lift will be called.
09:11Hey, I'm not a moron. Which in this reality makes you a moron. It's just a question of remembering to do the opposite.
09:19So here's the plan. We're going to continue to walk down the stairs.
09:23We're going to continue not to go to the science room, where we won't speak to Crichton and Rimmer.
09:28And we definitely won't find out what the smack in hell is going on.
09:34Have you figured out what the hell's happening yet? I believe I have, sir.
09:37Suggest we don't stay here and we don't discuss the peculiar events taking place.
09:42Definitely not. I don't agree with any of that.
09:44Are you guys nuts? We've got to stay here and figure out what the hell's happening.
09:48No!
09:52You are so not a moron.
09:59As we all know, every single decision every person rejects creates a new universe.
10:04Which leads us to believe there is a universe somewhere where every possible thing that could happen, happens.
10:10So somewhere there's a universe where you get to the point.
10:14And a universe where double denim with Crocs is cool?
10:18There'll probably even be a universe where I return to my old ship and apply for a new post.
10:23I can just picture their faces.
10:25Oh, but you're just a bug bat, fit only for cleaning toilets.
10:29And I say, just toilets? Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Is that what you think?
10:33So how come I can do this? And I take them all down to their science deck and I mop that floor.
10:40Makes you think though, all those decisions you've made in your life,
10:44somewhere a different version of you is living out the opposite of all your decisions.
10:49What a life he must be having, that lucky bastard.
10:52All the women who said no to me in this universe said yes to him.
10:57Oh, two of them.
11:00So what's caused this lesion? Have you any ideas?
11:03Well, I believe it may be a result of an experiment I've been testing.
11:06You?
11:07You?
11:09I've been trying to create a portable device that allows the user to quantum skip to other universes.
11:15So what's gone wrong?
11:17It appears it's worked, but I may have slightly miscalculated the settings and ripped a hole in space time.
11:24So wait a minute, you built a quantum skipper on board Red Dwarf?
11:28How?
11:29Well, not so much built as repaired.
11:31It was among the tech we salvaged from that quantum research station we visited last month.
11:36So hang on, are you saying if we tweak the settings we can fix the lesion and quantum skip between universes?
11:42Indeed.
11:43Why would we want to do that?
11:44What's so great about here? It's got me.
11:49I can't leave. I'm the last human being in this universe. I've got responsibilities.
11:53What about you, Crichton?
11:54I need to stay here and look after Mr. Lister.
11:57Without me, he'd fall apart quicker than a Jabba the Hutt diet plan.
12:01Oh, Crichton, give over.
12:03Sir, that power line is live. It's best not to suck it.
12:10Cheers, Crichton.
12:11Crichton, when will this quantum skipper be up and running?
12:14Well, I hope to have the lesion closed and the skipper fully functioning in a few hours, sir.
12:19So you're going then?
12:20Of course I am. A chance for a new life, a fresh start, new people, better people.
12:28He should do this. Who knows?
12:30Maybe there's another universe out there where he isn't such a giant loser.
12:34Even with an infinite number of universes, that's going to take some finding.
12:43I'm recalibrating the settings now.
12:45So have I got a menu to choose from?
12:47Oh, not as such, sir. But all the dimensions should in some way be closely connected to our own.
12:52And skipping between realities should be relatively straightforward.
12:56A quantum skipper does require recharge time between skips.
13:00So what do I do to quantum skip out of here?
13:02Why so long? Come on, tell him!
13:05You simply press this button here, sir.
13:07And you'll be transported to a random universe within the multiverse.
13:11Now, is there anything you want to say before you go?
13:14Well, as you know, I'm not one for long farewell speeches, but I have written this.
13:24See ya!
13:26Beep!
13:30Beep!
13:35This is just Red Dwarf. I thought I was going to quantum skip somewhere good.
13:39Good.
13:54Morning, Island.
13:56Morning, Holly.
14:03Holly? When is this? Where am I?
14:06It's Monday, and you're in a corridor.
14:10Anything else I can help you with?
14:13Are you still senile?
14:15I've never been senile. I was a dancing cabbage for a while.
14:20But I'm over that now.
14:22Turned out it was some corrupted files.
14:24So you're saying again, have you been tested?
14:26I'm a computer that runs the ship. I'm tested every month.
14:30Of course I've been tested. I'm always being tested.
14:33Can you prove that? Have you got a certificate?
14:35Well, no. I failed the test.
14:40I forgot to turn the paper over.
14:43I didn't realise there were two sides.
14:48Bradley?
14:49Get back to work, Grimmer.
14:52The crew are alive?
14:54Yes, Arnold.
14:55The original crew?
14:56Yes, Arnold.
14:58Captain Hollister?
14:59Nobody's dead, Arnold.
15:02Todd Hunter?
15:06Nobody's dead, Arnold.
15:09Not even Peterson?
15:12Nobody.
15:13Nobody's dead. Not even Lister?
15:16Gordon Bennett.
15:19Lister, Peterson, nobody.
15:21Nobody's dead. Nobody is dead, Arnold.
15:27Sir, hang on. You're telling me nobody's dead?
15:31I wish I'd never brought this up now.
15:35How is this any better than where I came from?
15:37Where is Lister? Where is that little goit?
15:39He's in stasis.
15:40He smuggled an unquarantined animal on board so he got thrown into suspended animation.
15:45So, wait. How did you all survive the radiation leak that wiped out all the crew?
15:49There hasn't been a radiation leak, Arnold.
15:51Are you sure?
15:52Sorry to break off, Arnold. I've got to make an announcement.
15:58Radiation leak alert.
16:02Radiation leak alert.
16:04All crew should run around screaming.
16:08My God, it's happening now.
16:13According to this wall console, a cadmium-2 radiation leak.
16:17And it's sweeping its way through the ship.
16:19We've lost the entire port side.
16:21Not just the port. The sherry. The brandy.
16:24We've lost the entire bar deck.
16:27Damn, this needs more recharge time.
16:32Captain?
16:33Oh, Rimmer.
16:35Man, this is embarrassing.
16:37What are you doing?
16:38I was trying to go down with the dwarf. Do the right thing.
16:41When suddenly, I tripped into this escape pod.
16:44I thought I was pressing the get me out of this damn thing.
16:47I want to die nobly with my crew button.
16:49Only it turned out to be the get me home fast switch.
16:52Now it's launching.
16:54Just press the emergency open switch. Take me with you.
16:57I'd like to invite you along, Rimmer.
17:00But as you can see, it's only a four-seater so there's only room for me.
17:04But sir, I thought all good captains went down with their ships.
17:07They do.
17:09Laters.
17:20Ah, nuts.
17:25What reality is this?
17:29Hello?
17:30Hello?
17:32Hello?
17:35Ah, it's you.
17:36Ah, sir, there you are. We're about to eat.
17:39Crackman, where is this? Where am I? Where's Lister?
17:42Are you feeling quite all right, sir?
17:45I've just quantum skipped from another reality.
17:47I'm looking for something better than the one I came from.
17:49What's Lister like here?
17:51Oh, he's a lovely, kind, hard-working, wonderful man.
17:54An absolute delight to be with.
17:56Evening, chaps.
18:00We have a new Mr Rimmer, sir.
18:02He's quantum skipped into our universe.
18:05Well, that's a shame. I rather like the old Rimmer.
18:07Is there something wrong with you?
18:09You don't like me.
18:10Of course I like you. We're space chums.
18:13Are you different from my Lister?
18:15A guy who cleans his teeth and pees in the toilet simultaneously
18:18even though the basin and the toilet are in different rooms?
18:22That's disgusting. I'd never do that.
18:24Oh, by the way, Crichton, later on I need your help.
18:26I want to relabel my collection of vintage wires.
18:30You've got a collection of vintage wires?
18:32Actually, I'm quite excited
18:34because I've just added a digital coaxial audio
18:37and a 25-pin parallel port printer
18:40to my not inconsiderable collection.
18:44I'm really loving what I'm seeing here.
18:46Mr Rimmer, sir, will you be joining myself,
18:49Mr Lister and Mr Ratt for dinner?
18:51Of course I...
18:53Mr Who?
19:01APPLAUSE
19:10Yo, Craddy, where are my dinner heads?
19:14What on earth is that?
19:16Where's Cat?
19:18Who's Cat?
19:22You...
19:25You got put into stasis
19:27because you smuggled your pet cat on board?
19:29No, I got put into stasis
19:31because I smuggled my pet rat on board.
19:34And they all evolved into these chaps.
19:36Yeah!
19:38Then they left to find the Promised Land
19:40and had some insane religious war, right?
19:42No, they stayed here, actually,
19:44bivouacked down on G Deck.
19:46Yeah! And A Deck!
19:48And B Deck. And C Deck.
19:50Yeah! In fact, any damn deck we want!
19:54Sometimes they even sleep with me.
19:57Mmm!
20:01Yeah!
20:03Be so warm and snuggly!
20:08Would you like some cheese sauce on your cheese, sir?
20:12Hell yeah!
20:14Well, thanks for the invite,
20:16but I think I'll skip dinner.
20:18WHISTLE BLOWS
20:21WHISTLE BLOWS
20:24This has got to be better than Rat World.
20:26BUZZER
20:32Hey, Rimmer!
20:34Hey, Rimmer!
20:36Uh, no.
20:38WHISTLE BLOWS
20:40Where am I?
20:42What reality is this?
20:44Brighton!
20:46Why can't I move?
20:48Brighton!
20:50Morning, sir.
20:55WHISTLE BLOWS
21:08No.
21:10WHISTLE BLOWS
21:12No.
21:14WHISTLE BLOWS
21:16No. No.
21:22I'm not human here. At least that's something.
21:27Sir, Officer Rimmer, sir.
21:29I'm an officer?
21:31I'm an officer?!
21:34Here I am.
21:36Rimmer, navigation officer. Yes!
21:38Married. Yes!
21:40Children, four. Are they boys?
21:42Yes!
21:44I've got everything I ever wanted here.
21:46Sorry, sir, I forgot to mention.
21:48The captain wants to see you in his office.
21:50I'm passing by your quarters, so I'll let Mrs Rimmer know you'll be a couple of minutes late.
21:54Thank you, Parkinson. My pleasure, sir.
22:10Rimmer, sir, you wanted to see me.
22:15I'm on a fairly tight ship here, Rimmer.
22:17It's one of the reasons I'm so universally respected.
22:20Fancy a cold one?
22:22No! No! No!
22:24No! No! No!
22:26OK, a shot it is.
22:28Watch your poison.
22:30Mister, it's lunchtime.
22:32I mean, sir, it's lunchtime. Aren't you on duty?
22:34I'm always on duty, Rimmer.
22:36When you're the captain, there's no downtime.
22:38Cigar?
22:40No, thank you, sir.
22:42Burger?
22:44Nothing, sir.
22:46I tell you, having one of those stasis booths installed in my office so day and night
22:50I've got a constant supply of hot, tasty snacks frozen in time
22:53was the best decision I ever made.
22:55Perhaps I should explain, sir.
22:57I'm not your Rimmer.
22:59I quantum-skipped from another universe.
23:01Is that slang for getting slaughtered?
23:03Are you familiar with the multiverse?
23:05That strip club on Venus?
23:07I went there once.
23:09Is that a crime?
23:12All right, maybe twice.
23:14OK, I'm a lifetime member, but what happens on Venus stays on Venus.
23:19My God.
23:21How did you ever get to be captain?
23:23I spotted a faulty drive plate.
23:25Without me, this whole damn crew would have been wiped out.
23:28After that, it was up, up, up the ziggurat lickety-split.
23:31Come on.
23:33I'll show you to your quarters.
23:41Here we go, Rimmer.
23:43The old bunk room.
23:45Hasn't been used in years.
23:49We're really home, and I'm alive.
23:51Not a hologram, but an officer and a gentleman.
23:54Looking forward to getting home myself, actually.
23:57See Chrissie.
23:58Kachansky?
23:59No, it's short for Crystal.
24:01I met her at the multiverse.
24:03Used to dance on table nine.
24:06So, you're happily married to a stripper, big deal,
24:09and you're the captain of a beaten-up old mining ship,
24:12doing jags up and down the Milky Way every six months.
24:14Why should I be jealous?
24:16Because when I fixed the drive plate,
24:18they offered me some cash to keep me shnum.
24:20So you got a payoff?
24:22No. I refused a settlement and opted for shares.
24:25They said yes.
24:26They had no idea we were going to stumble across a planet rich in helium-7.
24:30Made a fortune.
24:33I can't live here.
24:35On Earth?
24:36In this universe.
24:38I can't live in a reality where you're more successful than me.
24:42You're home. On Earth. You're alive.
24:45You've got everything you ever wanted.
24:47It's not worth it.
24:49The pain of it will be...
24:51too much.
24:55Oh, come on. One more hand. I want to win matchsticks back.
24:59Oh, sir. You're back.
25:01Did you find a universe where you felt less of a loser?
25:08Feel him in. Infinite clearly wasn't enough.
25:38Go, finish strong. Standing on my toes.