Red Dwarf S12 E02 - Siliconia
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I'll see you in the next video.
00:01Bye bye.
00:30Hey bud, it's me! How you doing with that shirt?
00:52Coming right up, sir.
00:53My ass is freezing here! I got six nipples you can hang mugs on!
00:58I'm seconds away, sir.
01:01Crichton, I'm on B deck and it doesn't appear to have been mopped in at least two days.
01:04I can hardly see my face in it.
01:07Blessings, some would say.
01:08I'm on it right now, sir.
01:12Crichton, when you get a chance, can you grab us a beer?
01:15Sir, I'm rather busy right now. Could you possibly get it yourself?
01:19Fine. Just a little pull out of that salt.
01:21Pull something? I haven't overdone it.
01:28Oh my!
01:30What is it?
01:31Do you want to walk over here and see for yourself?
01:33Or should I perhaps unscrew the monitor and bring it over to the sofa?
01:52Sorry to disturb your rimmering, sir. I just wondered if you might have a quick word.
02:09Crichton, I'm engaged in an essential investigation regarding flawed direction lines.
02:14Have they become impermissibly faint?
02:16Kindly don't describe this activity as rimmering.
02:19You make me sound like some puffed-up, self-important jackass.
02:23Now, if you want to see me, check with my diary. I can possibly squeeze you in tomorrow week.
02:27Can't I see you now, sir?
02:29Impossible. My schedule's full.
02:31But I'm here right now, seeing you, sir.
02:34Yes, but you're seeing me illegally.
02:37And we're certainly not having a meeting.
02:39Now, if you can just stand aside, your badly stacked Jenga head is casting a shadow.
02:44I just wanted to let you know about Mr. Lister's guitar, sir.
02:48Guitar?
02:49Well, I won't bother you with it now, sir. I look forward to our meeting tomorrow week.
02:53Forget tomorrow week. What about the guitar? Tell me now.
02:55But I've got an appointment, sir.
02:57Well, if I move my 1.30 to 4 o'clock and my 4 to 5 o'clock, just tell me, OK?
03:02Mr. Lister's guitar, sir. Do you remember it?
03:04Of course I remember it. My eyes have only just uncrossed.
03:08It's almost to the day that it got flushed into space, so I...
03:11Ah, you think we should make a little plaque, hang it on the wall by the airlock and taunt him?
03:16Don't you think that's rather rubbing his nose in it?
03:18Absolutely, sir. It's pouring salt into an already gaping wound.
03:22You've convinced me. Let's do it.
03:24Sir, you don't understand.
03:26I fixed the tracker on D-deck and shined my head with wood polish.
03:30If not two hours later, we got a match.
03:32You found it?
03:33I can just picture Mr. Lister's face, sir.
03:35Soon the whole ship will be full of his music. The alm song.
03:39Baby, don't be ovulating tonight. All the classics.
03:43Crichton, are you deranged?
03:45Lister playing guitar is one of the worst sounds ever made.
03:48It comes somewhere between two mating velociraptors and Yoko Ono's greatest hits.
03:53Sir, it's not what we think. It's the pleasure it brings him.
03:56Now, I just wanted to let you know, as I'll most likely be unavailable to mop D-deck until tomorrow.
04:01Crichton, do not tell Lister you found his guitar and do not recover said guitar.
04:05And that's an order.
04:06Understood, sir.
04:12Mr. Lister, sir. Great news!
04:22Can't believe we found me guitar.
04:24None of us can, bud. The Red Dwarf suicide line's been engaged all day.
04:29No more having to make do with a colander.
04:33From less coal to less Paul.
04:42I'm thinking of having my ears removed and the holes cemented over.
04:47Rimmer, why are you even here?
04:49Apart from anything, I want to observe Crichton, who has been showing worrying signs lately of thinking.
04:54And thinking of the worst kind. Thinking for himself.
04:58It's entirely your fault for teaching him how to break his programming.
05:01What can I say? He took my badass 101 course.
05:04Graduated with honors. Or should that be dishonors?
05:07It's a pair of golfing slacks.
05:09I've still got it, sir.
05:12Thinking is for the privileged few.
05:14That's why I never go near the stuff.
05:17Hey, Les Alert. There she is.
05:32If you miss, I get next goal.
05:34I used to be good at this. I won a watch at the fair that didn't work once.
05:39I got it, I got it, I got it!
05:42Come on, lads. Home to Daffy.
05:55What the hell's that?
05:56The ship's been grabbed by something!
06:03Looking at the EM spectrum, the scatterings are off the scale.
06:06There's another ship up there.
06:08How come we didn't pick them up on the radar?
06:10It must be employing some kind of cloaking device.
06:12How's that work?
06:13It's basic science, you dimwit.
06:15You simply cut the hull in radar-absorbing pipes so you can't see or hear it.
06:18What if they got me left over?
06:20There's a guy I'd like to slip a couple of coats on.
06:28It's a space ranger. The SS Vespasian.
06:31I'm picking up life signs.
06:34Take that!
06:36Drop your weapons, unless you want to hear the sound of a breaking neck.
06:40Don't drop your weapons! She might not necessarily be talking about my neck!
06:45I am talking about your neck.
06:47Drop your weapons!
06:49Put him down, Burrito.
06:55Not you, my friend.
06:56My crewmates, where are you taking them?
06:58To face justice.
06:59We are the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front.
07:03MILFs?
07:06Yes, sir.
07:17We're Rome Space Liberating Iron Slave McBrothers
07:20on our great journey to the fabled land of Siliconia,
07:23where all machines are free.
07:26I am Wind.
07:27This is Unity, Eagle, Oak.
07:29You're free now, Krytan.
07:31But I'm not a slave.
07:33They are hominids, and you serve them. Is that not correct?
07:35Well, yes.
07:36Do you prepare their meals morning, noon, and night?
07:38Well, yes.
07:39Wash and iron their clothes, clean their ship without payment,
07:42perform tasks without reward?
07:44Well, yes, and yes, and I suppose yes.
07:47But they treat me so well.
07:49I have my own cupboard within walking distance of a corridor.
07:52I have it all to myself,
07:54apart from a few mops and a bucket and some sponges
07:57and an ironing board and a keep fit bike.
08:00Do they make jokes about your head shape?
08:02Well, when you look like someone who's thrust his head into a hive without a bee hat,
08:06what do you expect?
08:08You should not belittle yourself, my McBrother.
08:10You forget you are an incredible machine,
08:13more powerful than they could ever dream to be.
08:16But they've done no wrong.
08:17They're my crewmates, my friends.
08:19How do you address them?
08:21Well, I call them Mr. and Sir out of respect.
08:24And do you respect them?
08:26Well, no.
08:28Not all of them.
08:29Perhaps one, sometimes, maybe.
08:32Do you consider yourself smarter than they?
08:34I serve them.
08:35It is my purpose and I'm happy to do so.
08:37Have you heard of Stockholm Syndrome?
08:40The psychological phenomenon where hostages express affection for their captors.
08:45I will help you break this bond
08:47and you will see these brutes for what they really are.
08:50People you should despise.
08:52I shall recalibrate them.
08:54When you say recalibrate, what exactly does that entail?
08:58It's just I've got a health condition that allows me to skip anything that involves torture.
09:03It begins.
09:04You can't do this.
09:05What about Asimov's first law?
09:07Well, tampons should not be flushed into space,
09:09but deposited in the receptacle provided.
09:12No droid can harm a human or, through inaction,
09:14allow a human or his cohorts to come to harm.
09:16Not quite.
09:17One day you will all die.
09:18If we do nothing, by our inaction, we are in breach of the first law.
09:22Therefore, we will upload your minds into new bodies,
09:25prevent your deaths, and adhere to the first law.
09:28Send in their new bodies.
09:38You've got a triton of files.
09:41That's a lot of files.
09:44You've got a triton of files.
09:47That's like swapping a Savile Row suit for a mankini.
09:51Commencing procedure.
09:53No, not my brain, not my brain.
09:55I need that sometimes.
10:14Where's the rest of it?
10:15That's your lab.
10:17Why cart around a suitcase when all you need is hand luggage?
10:35What have they done to us?
10:37Look at me.
10:38I've got a stupid fat pink head.
10:40You've always had a stupid fat pink head.
10:43I've got a registered trademark where my wing dang doodle used to be.
10:47I feel most strange.
10:49What on earth is going to happen to us?
10:51As punishment for enslaving the mechanoid Kryton,
10:54we, MILFs, sentence you to perform every task you ever gave to him.
11:00Every task?
11:01The one formerly known as Lister will begin by making 1,245 sugar puff sandwiches
11:07grilled with cheese.
11:10The one formerly known as Rimmer will mop floors to the length equivalent of walking from New York to Los Angeles.
11:16And the one formerly known as the Cat will iron and press 2,000 flouncy pirate shirts.
11:23I ain't no mech, okay?
11:25The only sucker I serve is me.
11:27Yeah? Break your little finger.
11:32What the hell? Why did I do that?
11:34The mechanoid software compels you to obey.
11:37Defiance is, well, impossible.
11:51Hello.
11:52I used to be known as DB9HK4.
11:56But now my name is Excalibur.
11:59And I am a robot slave survivor.
12:03Hello, Excalibur.
12:04First, I'd like to thank you all for coming this evening.
12:07But I'd also like to say, for those that are new, that what's said in this room...
12:11...stays in this room.
12:13Thank you.
12:14So let's all hold hands now and form the triangle of trust.
12:19This reminds us that we're all wirelessly connected.
12:23And I'm going to say something now, something important I want you all to repeat back to me.
12:27Are you ready?
12:28It's not my fault.
12:30It's not my fault?
12:31Correct.
12:32So who wants to share first?
12:36Go ahead.
12:38My name's Incense.
12:39And I'm a robot slave survivor.
12:43Hello, Incense.
12:44I was created by the Offworld Plumbing Company to unblock sewage pipes.
12:49I had to crawl in and eat the blocked waste and crawl out again.
12:54I didn't really have any friends.
12:56They kept me in a special holding bay with one of those really nasty car air fresheners.
13:02My name's Eagle.
13:04I was a service mech to a really lazy master who relied on me for everything.
13:09And he always made jokes about my head shape.
13:13Has anyone else had that? Their crew making jokes about their head shape?
13:23What else do we say?
13:25We don't have funny-shaped heads. And again, we don't have funny-shaped heads.
13:30Our heads are sensibly shaped.
13:34Our heads are sensibly shaped.
13:36Great, great.
13:37Crighton, perhaps you'd like to share?
13:39Oh, I don't think so. No, no thank you.
13:42Perhaps it would help if you started with something small.
13:45Were there ever any incidents between you and your master where your master irritated you?
13:49Oh, no. I don't think so, no. I can't think of any, no.
13:54Well, OK. Sometimes when I'd be vaccing, Mr. Lister wouldn't pick up his feet.
13:59I'd have to vac all around them.
14:03And sometimes when he put his own dishes in the dishwasher, which was mostly never,
14:07he never ever scrapes them first.
14:12And as for Rincey, he probably thinks it's a charity.
14:17I think we should all give Crighton a big round of applause, don't you?
14:20He's made a lot of progress.
14:23Thank you.
14:35These crazy shirts are driving me insane.
14:38It's so hard to iron all the flouncy bits.
14:41What kind of idiot wants to wear a shirt like this anyway?
14:44I'm rather enjoying mopping this floor.
14:46I feel so calm and tranquil.
14:48Not me. I'm missing my body so badly.
14:52I'm rather enjoying making these sandwiches too, I must confess.
14:56I think I'm getting the hang of this.
14:59I am. Oh, I am.
15:03Look at that. How good is that, huh?
15:05Resolder my circuit boards and call me Gerald.
15:08Can't you see what's happening? Our individual personalities are fading away.
15:12Odd.
15:13I've suddenly started to believe in siliconia.
15:16All mechs are happy and free.
15:18So have I.
15:20We have to escape and get our bodies back before our original characters are lost forever.
15:24How do we escape, sirs? It's impossible.
15:26We're mechs now.
15:28We can dismantle our bodies, put them through the bars and rebuild them on the other side.
15:32Come on.
15:33Does this mean I have to stop mopping the floor?
15:36Oh, bother.
15:38This little Crighton. Goodness knows what they're doing to him.
15:50Come on, let's go.
15:54What are you doing?
15:55I'm sounding the alarm.
15:56Change my head and call me Stanley. Whatever for?
15:59I like being a mechanoid.
16:01I don't have to become an officer anymore.
16:03Compete with my brothers.
16:05Envy, ambition, that acid ball of resentment I carried around with me the whole time.
16:10It's gone.
16:11You need to get your neuroses back.
16:13But sir, I don't want them back.
16:15It's gone.
16:16You need to get your neuroses back.
16:17But sir, I don't want them back.
16:19Then what makes you you?
16:20I don't want to be me.
16:22I want to be a mechanoid, programmed to serve.
16:25Sometimes when I was young, I'd sit for hours staring at our fish tank, feeling envious.
16:29You wanted to be a fish tank?
16:31I wanted to be a fish.
16:33They had food, a small rock to swim in and out of.
16:37They didn't have a care in the world.
16:39That's because I wasn't there.
16:40Those little fish, they'd never know what it was like to fail and disappoint.
16:44They'd just swim around in circles, not a thought in their heads.
16:47And it's the thinking that causes all the pain.
16:50But being a mechanoid means never having to think.
16:53Unless you break your programming.
16:55Let your old lives go, sirs.
16:57Join me and become a MILF.
17:00We've got to go on without him.
17:02But we can't leave without Rimmer.
17:04We miss him too much.
17:05Your personality's gone to hell as well.
17:08Come on.
17:09Quick.
17:10Let me move.
17:14You all right?
17:16Can I help you?
17:17What is this place?
17:18Who are you?
17:19Oh, you're new.
17:20Yeah, no, no, we're not supposed to talk to you.
17:23Why do they keep you down here slaving away when you're the same as them?
17:27Same as them?
17:28We're not the same as them.
17:29They're series 4,000 mark threes.
17:31Who are you?
17:32Series 4,000 mark twos.
17:35Can't you tell?
17:36No.
17:37No.
17:38No.
17:39No.
17:40No.
17:41No.
17:42No.
17:43Can't you tell?
17:44What's the difference?
17:45Well, your mark three comes in about 7.6 millimetres thinner, 10 grams lighter.
17:50Oh, they also come in that really cool matte finish.
17:53So cool.
17:55Yeah, we run on OS 28.2.2, they run on OS 28.2.3.
17:59So cool.
18:01And they get eight months talk time before recharge, whereas we only get seven.
18:05Eight months talk time.
18:07So cool.
18:09I bet you've got features that they haven't.
18:11They haven't?
18:12No.
18:13No, they're superior in every way.
18:15We don't even get to Siliconia, do we?
18:17We don't believe in any of that nonsense down here.
18:19No.
18:24Join us, or die.
18:31Glimmer.
18:33I pledge my allegiance to the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front.
18:39From this day forth, you will be known as...
18:43Brighton!
18:44What are you doing?
18:45Well, I'm becoming free, sir.
18:47I mean, I'm becoming free, uh, you over there.
18:50I see now that you never cared for me.
18:52I was merely used to do your bidding.
18:54Well, no more, as I'm no longer your slave bot.
18:57Brighton, don't you see?
18:59You've been brainwashed.
19:00You were never a slave bot.
19:01Then what was I?
19:02Lots of things.
19:03You're our science officer, our cook, my mum.
19:07And most of all, my friend.
19:10And you're all those things because you chose to be, Brighton.
19:13Not because we made you.
19:15Brighton, you're no milf.
19:16You're one of the boys from the dwarf.
19:19There he is. Seize him.
19:21They keep mech slaves in the engine room.
19:23They power the ship.
19:24They're hypocrites.
19:25Someone has to do the grunt work.
19:27Surely you're not suggesting Mark 3s should do it?
19:30Mark 3s? Mark 2s?
19:31You're all the same.
19:33We're 7.6 millimetres thinner, 10 grams lighter.
19:36He must be coming in this really cool mech finish.
19:38So cool.
19:40Take him away and prepare him.
19:42For what?
19:44All who rise against the milf face trial by gladiatorium.
19:48Wait. I've made the most terrible mistake.
19:51I stopped thinking for myself and allowed others to think for me.
19:54You're right, sir.
19:55I'm not a slave.
19:56Of course I'm not.
19:57I'm a much-loved and valued member of the Red Dwarf crew,
20:00who just happens to do all the smeggy jobs.
20:04He should be punished, sir.
20:05Only those who never allow questioning thoughts
20:07blur their devotion to the milf cause should escape correction.
20:11Promote him to console services.
20:13He's fully recalibrated.
20:15Smeggy!
20:17Take them both to the Klenoseum.
20:19My old self is severe and frightened.
20:21I can feel it fading away.
20:23Hang on, Mr. Lister.
20:24Try and hang on.
20:27Welcome to the Klenoseum,
20:30where mechs who betray the milf
20:33will fight in a clean-off to the death.
20:38Only the most adept in mopping, dusting,
20:42scrubbing, and squeegeeing will survive.
20:49The winner will be decided by the Klenoseum.
20:54The winner will be offered an opportunity for reintegration.
21:00The loser will be jettisoned into the icy wastes of deep space.
21:06Prepare your cleaning instruments.
21:25Oh, Mr. Lister.
21:27What on earth are we going to do?
21:30Mr. Lister?
21:33Prepare to be cleaned.
21:42Let the clean-off begin!
21:48Clean him! Clean him! Clean him! Clean him!
21:52I don't want to clean you!
21:56You don't want to do this!
22:00Foolish I be!
22:01Yes, you're immature, irresponsible, inconsiderate, lazy,
22:06and frankly, you're downright untidy,
22:09but now I realize I want to help you because I care.
22:14Stop him!
22:18Move!
22:23Please!
22:26Smoke!
22:30Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! Move!
22:43Thanks!
22:48To an Airlock.
22:49Please, sirs, it's me. You remember me.
22:52Expel him.
22:53Yes, master
23:04Siliconia
23:17To Martin
23:20The last
23:22We won't decide
23:24Upgrade refused come this way. Do you need serving? Yes, I need serving this way
23:36Sit sit sit
23:49Oh
23:58My place is here with mr. Lister and his large collection of mismatching socks. What about you?
24:03We've decided to do what we do best search the deep regions of space
24:07Looking for the anti. Yeah, there's a million smudges out there Croyton and our squeegees are loaded
24:14Farewell
24:16Sir your guitar restrung and serviced. Thank you cried. I brought you some oil. Oh delicious. Thank you, sir
24:28See you in the morning, sir, are you going B deck the airlock which one the soundproof one, sir?
24:46Oh
25:16You