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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, toons and toonettes, and members of the press, I'm pleased to announce...
00:10I smell pastrami. You know, there's a new deli down the street. Tried to go there once, ended up in Manila.
00:17Don't they make great envelopes?
00:20Chief, I believe you may be digressing slightly.
00:24I never digress.
00:26The announcement, sir.
00:27Of course the announcement. That's why we're here.
00:31And it's a very important announcement, and I do remember what it is, the announcement that I'm here to announce.
00:37I believe you wanted to announce the reform program, sir.
00:41The program to reform poor misguided toons who have turned to lives of crime.
00:45To show the world that within the heart of every so-called bad toon, there lurks the soul of a saint.
00:51Could not have said it better myself. And I wish I had said it myself.
00:56Chief's had some good ideas in his time, and this isn't one of them. Just glad I don't have to...
01:01And to show our support, my partner and I want to be the first to volunteer.
01:05We must have a flax buildup in the acoustical canal. Could have sworn he volunteered us.
01:10Superb! Welcome aboard, officer.
01:14We believe that it's better to give than to receive.
01:17Hey, you're beautiful people. I mean it. Hey, where are you from? New York? Hey, let me make you feel at home.
01:22Don't shoot!
01:23So, what are y'all doing for lunch? I'd like to...
01:25May I interrupt?
01:27They're all yours, knock them dead. But keep it clean, they're a nice crowd.
01:31What do you think you're doing? How dare you volunteer me? You had no right to do that.
01:36Lucky, what are you trying to say? Is it that you're not pleased?
01:40Let me demonstrate. This is me, pleased.
01:44This is me, now.
01:47If I want to volunteer for an assignment, I will volunteer.
01:52Cracking your partner 100%. Excellent spirit, Pickle.
01:56Oh, it's, uh, Pickle, sir, but no, what I meant was...
02:00Enough with the modesty, man.
02:03This reform program will do wonders for my political ambitions.
02:07Not that I have any.
02:10Yes, here we are, the very first prisoner to enter the program.
02:14A tomb known simply as the Louse.
02:23Ain't I a louse?
02:25Sometimes I make phone calls and hang up.
02:29What do you think, men?
02:32What exactly is he in for, sir?
02:35Well, let me see now. Disturbing the peace, toenail clipping in a known clipping zone,
02:39destruction of city property in a few cities.
02:45Okay, give it 48 hours.
02:49But you're a natural. You were born to reform.
02:52It's practically your middle name. You're so compassionate, so understanding.
02:56Well, for once you're correct.
02:59That's why I worship the ground you walk on.
03:02How do you do it, boss?
03:05I was born to reform.
03:07Well, I'm compassionate and understanding and...
03:10Class H.
03:13I knew you'd change your mind. So what's our first move?
03:17All right, you win.
03:19I will help by advising you to do the actual work.
03:23Now, reforming a criminal is not an easy task.
03:27That's why I prepared this presentation for you.
03:29This is a normal toon brain.
03:32And this is a criminal toon brain.
03:34Doesn't look criminal to me.
03:38You see what you're up against?
03:40The first thing you must do is gain his trust.
03:44To do that, you have to treat him with respect and dignity.
03:48So, uh, Mr. Louse, uh, what do your friends call you?
03:58You ate my pad. Why did you eat my pad?
04:01Because you're a dweeb.
04:04A dweeb? Can you believe that? He called me a dweeb.
04:07What's a dweeb?
04:09Um, Latin for awful slow guy.
04:12So, uh, what's this look like?
04:15Mommy.
04:17Oh, yeah, you know, I do see a family resemblance.
04:20May I be excused?
04:22Of course.
04:28Did you hear that? He said, may I?
04:31We raised him well, Papa.
04:36Where'd you get that?
04:38Somebody left it in the park.
04:43What are you doing? You lousy little...
04:46Remember, respect and dignity.
04:49Okay, fine.
04:51I guess our little friend just has problems with authority figures.
04:55Oh, I get it.
04:57We have to work him through this problem.
05:00We'll show him he has nothing to fear but fear itself.
05:04And, of course, the IRS.
05:06This is Mr. Policeman.
05:08He represents authority.
05:10That's coming out of somebody's paycheck.
05:13Ain't I a louse?
05:15Uh, excuse me.
05:20Isn't this wonderful, Rucky?
05:22He's making huge strides.
05:24Yeah, I wish they weren't through the wall.
05:27What is this?
05:29Where did this come from?
05:31I don't know. Why the third degree?
05:33I resent the implications.
05:35Where did this come from?
05:37I don't know. Why the third degree?
05:39I resent the implications.
05:41Where did you get that traffic light?
05:46I'd say 59.
05:51Can I keep the hat?
05:52Look, Bonkers, we tried, we failed.
05:55It's time to give up.
05:56What? We can't just give up.
05:59Bonkers, he's eating my shoe.
06:01Which, as it happens, I am still wearing.
06:07Inside every bad toon, there's a good toon trying to get out.
06:10Except inside him.
06:12He's everything rotten rolled up in one.
06:14Only worse.
06:15But, Boss, what form is your middle name, remember?
06:18No, my middle name is Shirley.
06:21That is very pretty.
06:23That was my father's name.
06:24What am I talking about?
06:26Look, I'm going straight up to the Chief, and I'm going to tell him...
06:29Hello, Chief.
06:30Sir, you're looking very chiefly.
06:33May I wax your car?
06:35I forgot to mention, I'm writing a book on the reform program.
06:38You keep careful notes.
06:40You both get the credit you deserve, footnote for each of you.
06:43So, how's it coming?
06:45Well, sir, to be very honest, it's going great.
06:48Couldn't be better.
06:49Flawless, perfect, comparatively speaking.
06:51Wonderful.
06:52Here, Pickle, get me a few shots for the book.
06:54Well, yes, sir.
06:55It's Pickle, by the way.
06:56But can I see the dear fellow?
06:59Well, he's in an awkward stage now.
07:00He's become so good he doesn't even recognize himself...
07:02and feels at a loss when he has nothing to say since he's not there anymore.
07:05Makes sense.
07:06Write it down.
07:07It'll be good for the book.
07:08Oh, of course, sir.
07:10If the program keeps going this well, Pickle, I may dedicate the book to you.
07:14Oh, yes.
07:15Or give you a free copy.
07:16Now, we'll see.
07:17I make no promises.
07:18When he finds out the truth, I'll lose my job, my pension.
07:25At least he's getting a balanced diet.
07:27Something from all the major furniture groups.
07:32Ain't I a louse?
07:35Oh, let's face it.
07:36This is a wipeout.
07:37The guy's just not into peaceful interaction.
07:40Lucky.
07:41You took the words right out of my mouth before I even thought of putting them in there.
07:45Bonkers.
07:46Why do you want me to dress like this?
07:48So we can show him the joys of non-violence.
07:51I still don't understand the grease monkey suits.
07:54Well, I couldn't find a guru outfitting your size, Mr. 53-inch waistline.
08:00Good morning, my friend.
08:01We come to reveal to you the secrets of a peaceful, happy, happy life.
08:07The world is beautiful.
08:08This office is beautiful.
08:10You are beautiful.
08:12Love and peace to us all.
08:15Yeah, it's a beautiful love and peace.
08:19Beauty is even in the ranch.
08:21Observe the ranch.
08:22Love the ranch.
08:24Become the ranch.
08:26Eat the ranch.
08:28Who are we kidding?
08:30This isn't doing any good.
08:32Pickle?
08:33You in there, man?
08:35Oh, that's great.
08:36It's the chief.
08:37I think we'd just better level with him.
08:39Lucky, I know we're getting closer.
08:42And don't forget that book dedicated to you.
08:45All right.
08:46Okay, just keep him out of sight.
08:48I'll stall Kniffke.
08:50Just stop by to check on your progress
08:53Just stop by to check on your progress
08:55and why are you dressed like a mechanic?
08:58Oh, I'm on my break, sir.
09:00I thought I'd change the oil in your car.
09:03I can't abide officers who curry favor like that.
09:06Although, if you rotate the tires, I might make an exception.
09:10So, where's that toon you're reforming?
09:12Toon?
09:13What toon, sir?
09:14Oh, that toon, yeah.
09:15Well, he's out with bonkers looking at real estate.
09:19And is that a new suit?
09:21Matter of fact, it is.
09:23Figure I'll need a new one if I run for office.
09:27Not that I ever will, Granger, but you never know.
09:30Bonkers?
09:31Can't he be destructive more quietly?
09:36This is the bumper of the chief's car.
09:40I can see the dashboard and the spare.
09:43Spit it out.
09:44Spit out that garnish minute.
09:47You know, I don't like you a lot.
09:50With the success of this program,
09:52the people may be clamoring for me to lead them.
09:56Is that my bumper?
09:58Yes, sir.
09:59Having the chrome replated, sir.
10:02You really have no pride at all, do you, man?
10:05Well, how do I look?
10:08You look like a real dweeb, sir.
10:11Ooh, Latin scholar, huh?
10:13I'm impressed.
10:20What?
10:23What's that racket?
10:25Termites?
10:26I'll say.
10:27Is this tie too loud?
10:29Francine usually dresses me.
10:33Perhaps you'd rather come back when Bonkers returns.
10:35I can wait.
10:36I have something very important to tell you both.
10:38Wonderful woman, my wife.
10:40And can she cook?
10:42You were saying?
10:43No, I was asking.
10:44Can my wife cook?
10:45Never even seen her set foot in the kitchen.
10:47Anyway, since the program's been a bigger success than I dreamed,
10:51I scheduled a party day after tomorrow
10:53to introduce our new reformed prisoner.
10:57All the TV networks will be there,
10:59along with radio, newspaper, and...
11:02That was a nice career while it lasted.
11:08Coming off party in two days.
11:11You realize what this means?
11:13Yes, I have to get my hair done.
11:14I don't know what I'll do about these nails,
11:16and I do not have the first thing to wear.
11:18Well, there's that.
11:20And there's the fact that we haven't made any progress on reforming that dune.
11:24Oh, let's face it.
11:25This is a job for an expert.
11:27A trained professional.
11:28That's it?
11:29Wait right here.
11:31Sorry for the delay.
11:32Gridlock on the interchange.
11:33Got the answer to our problem.
11:35I don't think you're gonna find the answer in any book.
11:38But boss, this was written by an expert.
11:40Mr. A. Anonymous.
11:42He claims a 99.9 success rate.
11:44And I think we're dealing with that 0.1%.
11:49Ain't I a louse?
11:52The more I get to know that guy, the less I like him.
11:57Chapter 13.
11:58How to reform the toon who cannot be reformed.
12:00Well, that's him, isn't it?
12:01He's what you'd call a type A personality.
12:04A jerk.
12:05A creep.
12:06A rat.
12:07A wretch.
12:08Step one.
12:09The unreformable toon may have lost touch with reality.
12:12He must be gradually reaccustomed to everyday life.
12:15A nice overnight stay can be fun.
12:17Oh, yeah.
12:18That sounds like fun.
12:19Fun like root canal.
12:21And it says it's best if he spends time around a human.
12:23I don't like where this is going.
12:26Don't big-eye me.
12:27Won't work.
12:28Lose the tears.
12:29You'll waste the water.
12:30Oh, drop the lip, Quiver.
12:31It's getting you nowhere.
12:32But you don't want Louse to miss his big party, do ya?
12:35I don't care.
12:36The one Chief Kenefke's been planning?
12:39I don't care.
12:40You don't care?
12:41The one that's gonna be on national TV?
12:43I don't know how I get myself into these things.
12:49I can't believe I'm doing this.
12:51I want a room with a northern exposure.
12:53I don't get up before nine and I like pancakes for breakfast.
12:56So, Lucky, where's the fam?
12:59Are you kidding me?
13:00Soon as I knew he was coming, I sent him on a cruise.
13:02In another hemisphere.
13:05What are you doing?
13:06Get out of my chair.
13:08No, no, no, Lucky.
13:09Check that temper.
13:10The book says you have to remain calm and always be patient.
13:13I am patient.
13:16I am patient.
13:18Good.
13:19See you in the morning.
13:20Where do you think you're going?
13:21The book says you should be alone to spend quality time with him.
13:24Besides, there's a bag of matinee and I don't want to miss it.
13:28I guess it's just you and me.
13:30So, let's set the ground rules.
13:32Do not touch anything in my house.
13:34Do not drool on anything in my house.
13:36Do not eat anything in my house.
13:38Don't eat in my house, period.
13:39You understand?
13:40Sure.
13:41Can I go outside?
13:42Yeah, if you promise you won't eat any lawn furniture.
13:45Or the lawn.
13:50Stop, stop, stop.
13:51What are you doing?
13:53Looking for the door.
14:02What, Peckers?
14:04What are you looking at?
14:06I didn't do anything.
14:11Ah, yes.
14:12This is much, much, much better.
14:14Don't you think?
14:17Come on.
14:20According to the book, recreational activities can prove very useful in the reform process.
14:25Yeah?
14:26Let's say we take him skydiving.
14:28No, don't have a parachute.
14:30So?
14:31The book recommends a nice, relaxing fishing trip.
14:34Ah, but father and son, how I envy Lucky.
14:39You're not going to eat the boat, are you?
14:41No.
14:43Life jackets?
14:44No.
14:45You know, it really is sort of nice out here.
14:49It's almost relaxing in a nerve-wracking way.
14:53Thirsty, were you?
14:55We could have gotten you a soda, you know.
14:59The book says he is now ready for a gradual reintroduction to society.
15:04Why shouldn't we warn society first?
15:06Enjoy your meal.
15:07Will you at least make an effort to behave yourself?
15:11This is called food.
15:13It's what normal people eat.
15:16And it's what we eat.
15:18This is called food.
15:20It's what normal people eat.
15:22Much tastier than furniture, easier to digest, and a skosh less expensive.
15:30Hey, that's mine.
15:34Why'd you do that?
15:35Because he was there.
15:40Yummy.
15:48Oh, ma'am, it's not what you think.
15:55I'm sorry it has to be this way, but you leave me no choice.
15:58Morning, Lucky.
15:59Ready for the big party tonight?
16:01There isn't going to be any big party tonight.
16:03I'm taking this monster back to jail where he belongs.
16:06If he doesn't eat the jail first, I have to chain him up or he'd be gone.
16:10Gone.
16:12Gone.
16:15Pickle, where have you been, man?
16:17I trust everything's in order for the celebration.
16:19Oh, well, sir, actually, I...
16:22I'm really looking forward to it.
16:24Took a bath and everything.
16:26Give me a hand, will you?
16:27The wife usually ties these things for me.
16:30Why didn't I get one of these new Frankel clip-ons?
16:33Should be a very memorable event.
16:36Yes, sir.
16:37Well, I doubt that I'll forget it any time soon.
16:40You know, this is the sort of thing political careers are made of.
16:44Go away, you're no help.
16:47I won't forget you when I become mayor, Pickle.
16:50Pickle.
16:51Don't ever touch them.
16:52They remind me of cucumbers.
16:56We have to get that tune back.
16:58But how will we ever find him in a city this size?
17:01It shouldn't be too hard.
17:04Hurry up, boss.
17:05I think he went that way.
17:07Well, that's probably a safe bet.
17:11I got a scent.
17:12Or is that your aftershave?
17:14Calling a wild guess.
17:16But I think he went this way.
17:20Come on, boss.
17:21I think we're closing in.
17:22Uh-oh.
17:24It's the party for louse.
17:25And there's the chief.
17:27Look, there's even a red carpet.
17:29What?
17:43Well, at least he's getting plenty of fiber in his diet.
17:45Goodness, there must have been an earthquake of some kind.
17:53When I get my hands on that guy, I'm gonna hurt him.
17:57Ladies and gentlemen.
17:59And yes, members of the press.
18:01It gives me great pleasure to...
18:04Ain't I a louse?
18:08As I was saying, I'd like to introduce...
18:10Oh, no.
18:11We're gonna have to starve the chief.
18:13I don't think that'll be a problem.
18:14A tune.
18:16Oh, this tie's too tight.
18:18I haven't worn a tuck since my wedding.
18:21Oh, yes.
18:22The funniest thing happened.
18:23I had a mix-up with the license.
18:25And that marriage didn't come down from there.
18:32Ain't I a louse?
18:34It doesn't make sense.
18:35We did everything just like the book said.
18:38I know.
18:39I wrote the book.
18:45Okay, I've had it.
18:46No more reforming for me.
18:47I resign.
18:48Yep.
18:49Retirement from this gig.
18:50You can't do that.
18:53Oh, yes, I can.
18:56As for you, do whatever you want.
18:58I don't care.
18:59What?
19:00You don't like me anymore?
19:02Pal, pal, pal.
19:03I never liked you.
19:04And to answer your question...
19:06Yes, you are a louse.
19:08And you shouldn't say ain't.
19:09All I want to do is get you out of my hair.
19:12Why not take a nice trip?
19:13Here you go.
19:14Here.
19:15Buy yourself a plane ticket.
19:16Here.
19:17Go first class.
19:18And luggage.
19:19Oh, you need a new set.
19:20Don't skip on the hotel either.
19:21Four star for you, friend.
19:23Eat a nice ottoman for me, huh?
19:25Don't you want to reform me some more?
19:27We were having so much fun.
19:29Oh, thanks, but no thanks.
19:32Here, take my tie.
19:33You'll want to look nice.
19:34How about my vest?
19:35You know, in case you want to go somewhere dressy.
19:37And my shoes.
19:38Well, you never know what the weather will be like there.
19:41Oh, oh, oh.
19:42Don't forget to get your shots.
19:44Bon voyage.
19:45Send a card if you remember.
19:47What did I do?
19:49But enough about macrame.
19:51Without further ado.
19:53Strange word, ado.
19:55Let me introduce Mr. Louse.
20:04Thank you, my friends.
20:05Thank you.
20:06It is a great privilege to stand before you as living proof
20:09that within every bad toon, there is a good toon trying to get out.
20:14I'm dreaming this, right?
20:16Yet, I could never have reached this lofty plateau
20:19were it not for the help of my good friend,
20:22a brilliant and gifted man,
20:24Lieutenant Pickle.
20:31Splendid work, Pickle.
20:34It was my pleasure.
20:36Since you succeeded so wonderfully,
20:38I've decided to put you in charge of the reform program full time.
20:44Congratulations, Lucky.
20:46You lucky guy.
20:48No.
20:49No.
20:50Yes, yes.
20:51Already lined up some new subjects.
21:14Thank you.