TL;DR - Fewer sisters, more beef.
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SportsTranscript
00:00Hi, we're Adam's sisters. I'm the flirty one. Nice penis. Hailing from parts far known,
00:07I'm the kooky one. I've killed. And this is how Adam would book Bobby Lashley's return
00:13to WWE. I'm the one who always gets interrupted. Bobby Lashley returned to WWE in 2018. Thanks
00:20so much to my sisters for that introduction, by the way. They're all single fellas. The
00:24Almighty has never quite had the same success in WWE as one Brock Lesnar, even though they
00:29actually had quite similar career trajectories. Brock was a terrible marvel. He had shark
00:35power, dolphin speed, and the kind of raw charisma of those fish with the kind of lamps
00:41coming out of their forehead. I think they're called prick fish. Brock rose to the top of
00:45the company before splitting in the mid 2000s and leaving a huge beast-shaped hole in his
00:49wake. He got left on read by the NFL, and then he found huge success in MMA. He parlayed
00:54his UFC success into WWE success and a series of minimal date maximum payout contracts.
01:00In contrast, Bobby Lashley arrived after Brock had left, and he had also amazing speed, amazing
01:06power. He was a freak specimen as well, and it was clear that WWE wanted him to fill their
01:11beast hole. Not like that. Or maybe like that. He turned up looking like five Lex Lugers
01:16in a sack, and Vince McMahon ejaculated so hard, look, he was being shot out of a trebuchet.
01:21And then they just put him on camera saying, look at him, there's his muscles, can't wait
01:26for you to cheer. And people never really did. He never made it over hugely with the
01:34fans, and he was pushed in all the wrong ways, including, and especially, as ECW champion.
01:41He left WWE in 2008, and like Brock, he found huge success in MMA. In fact, he had a better
01:47MMA record than Brock, with 15 wins and two losses, but unfortunately, Bellator is not
01:54UFC. Lashley did improve his wrestling stock as well outside the company. He did really
01:59well in impact wrestling. He was given Kurt Angle's last match, and he went on a magnificent
02:03tear in 2016, where he basically just hoovered up all the championships on the show, and
02:08was like, no, don't want that one, don't want that one, I'll keep that one, f*** this one.
02:14He achieved excitement through his accomplishments, and when he returned, people were high on
02:19him. And it just goes to show how easy it is to forget how hot people used to be before
02:24their cooling off period in WWE. Remember Nakamura? That's a different video.
02:29So yeah, after a full decade away from Vince's duplexes of amazing suplexes, he arrived back
02:35in WWE after WrestleMania 34, and immediately people were like, yes, Lashley. But then,
02:42WWE turned him into, once again, Bobby Lashley. Unlike Brock, who managed to raise his stock
02:49upon his return, Bobby Lashley fit pretty much exactly into the mid-card role he'd
02:55been stuck in before he left. He had his star power immediately tarnished with a terrible
02:59feud with Sami Zayn, featuring that famous cross-dressing sister segment. He got put
03:04as another one of many mid-card heels, bandying together against the worst incarnation of
03:09The Shield. He got a brief resurgence when he was managed by Lio Rush, but then he lost
03:13convincingly to Finn Balor at WrestleMania 35. But don't worry, the worst is yet to come.
03:18The Lana thing.
03:20So yeah, he got involved in an almost endless, in fact if God it's still technically going
03:25on to this day, cuckold angle with Rusev where he stole Ruru's girl. And there were several
03:32weddings. And then Rusev left before the storyline was even done. So it was a huge waste of Rusev's
03:40final days. It was a huge waste of Lashley's star power. And it was a huge use of Lana's time.
03:49Also, while I'm in negative mode, as soon as he came back, they made his finisher a
03:53delayed suplex. A suplex where he kind of stood there for a bit and was like, I am strong.
03:59And then he just fell backwards and it was just like a normal suplex. And yet somehow
04:02he pinned Sami Zayn with that move. F*** me.
04:06At the time of writing, Lashley has had a little bit of a resurgence. He's got a new
04:11kind of friend slash husband, MVP. They're both former members of the Beatdown clan.
04:17He's just had an amazing match with Drew McIntyre at Backlash. Like, yeah, it had Lana involved,
04:23but everything that didn't, you know, was really, really good to remind. Oh yeah, he's
04:27a horse wrestler. He convinces as a main event talent. And let's not forget the amazing match
04:32he had at Extreme Rules 2018 with Roman Reigns. And all this goes to show that what would
04:37have happened if WWE had booked him so differently from the moment he stepped foot back in the
04:43company? Well, WWE have had their turn. So let, you know what? I'm going to let my sisters
04:49say it. Let me have, sorry, I was late. It's fine. Sorry. It's fine. Nice. Let me have
04:54a go. Okay, sure. One, three, two. Let me have a go. Let me have a go. It's okay. We
05:02just all have to say it at the same time. To be very clear from the off, this is not
05:12a rebooking of the Lana Rusev, Bobby Lashley thing. I made it very clear to Oli, if that
05:18was the brief, I would intentionally break lockdown to sneeze on everyone he held precious.
05:23The Lana thing should never have happened. I get it. Wrestling fans sort of like soap
05:27opera trash and it got dem YouTube clicks, but this is my video, so f**k off. This is
05:32an honest appraisal of Lashley's pros and his cons and trying to find the best, most
05:36exciting possible use for him in the first year when he was in the company. So to start
05:41with the right context, what are Lashley's main pros and what are his cons? His pros
05:46are his look for a start. He still has the kind of body that makes Vince pull a face
05:51and fall back in his chair. He's startlingly quick in his forties. He's incredibly powerful.
05:56Convinces as a heavyweight destroyer and his main con really is that he's a bit boring.
06:06He always has been, but let's recontextualize that to not be so harsh. WWE's Bobby Lashley
06:13persona is dull because he was, he was too handsome to be interesting. They just put
06:20him out on camera being like, look at his muscles. Look, there he is. There he is. Why
06:27aren't you cheering? His whole gimmick could be summed up by, turns up, is big. There you
06:33go. In his first run with the company, he was a flat out bad might worker. He improved
06:38outside the company, but never to the kind of level of excellence, more to just competence.
06:43Although he does a really good line in asshole facials. Not like that. Well, maybe like that.
06:48To summarize then, he has everything he needs to be a main event talent apart from a character
06:53edge and a mouthpiece. So we start this booking on the raw after WrestleMania 34, Roman Reigns
06:59is in the ring following his loss to Brock Lesnar in the main event. He calls him out
07:03for busting him open with his LB saying, aight, you don't be spilling my blood and not answering
07:10for it, oos. Get your ass out here and I'll for real kick it back to that MMA play school.
07:17Aight. Belida. Belida. However, instead of the lobster outcomes, it's Bobby Lashley.
07:26Hooray. We've forgotten that you're boring. He comes down to the ring. He shakes Roman
07:32Reigns' hand, takes the microphone, raised it to his mouth, then bang, hits him immediately
07:36with a spear and then places the microphone on Roman Reigns' prone body. Because during
07:42this run with the company, Bobby Lashley doesn't talk. Now, I don't mean that in the
07:48way that Brock Lesnar doesn't talk. I mean that for the first few months that he's back
07:52on camera, he doesn't say a word. He goes to the back. They say, Bobby Lashley, what
07:58was that all about? He looks down the camera, then he walks away. Next week on Raw, he has
08:02someone read a prepared statement. That statement reads, actions speak louder than words. In
08:08MMA, we don't talk. We fight. I have conquered the world of MMA. I have conquered everyone
08:15there is to beat in impact wrestling. There is only one thing I have not done in my career,
08:20and that is become world champion in WWE. Until I achieve that, I will not speak. My
08:27actions will speak for me, and they will deafen. And that is all Lashley needs right now. He
08:35has a very clear goal. He has a weird little character hook. He doesn't have to compromise
08:39his amazing look with a series of abysmal ass WWE promos. He arrives, he destroys, he
08:45leaves, repeat. And if that makes him sound like someone who, to be honest, I've been
08:49comparing him to for the entire video so far, then good, because that's where we're going.
08:55So a backlash. Roman Reigns faces off against Lashley. Spear versus spear, because of course
09:00that's his finisher. Look at him. After a Hoss match, which we know that they can have
09:05a really amazing match, because again, Extreme Rules 2018, Roman Reigns goes, whoo, then
09:12he runs at Lashley, who leap frogs him, bounds back off the rope, spear, one, two, three.
09:19Lashley beats Roman Reigns. After the match, cool Byron Saxton enters the ring with a microphone
09:24saying, wow, gee willikers, Bobby Lashley. Kaboom. You did it, man. What's next for the
09:32destroyer-ite? And then Bobby Lashley looks at him, picks him on his shoulders, and does
09:39a running power slam very similar to Braun Strowman's. The next pay-per-view is Money
09:44in the Bank. And the Money in the Bank men's ladder match actually looks very similar to
09:48how it did in real life, except with a quick Bobby substitution, out with Roode, in with
09:52Lashley. Now, I know this means, yes, Bobby Lashley then won't be feuding with Sami
09:57Zayn right about now, and that is going to upset a lot of the fans of the Bobby Lashley
10:01sisters segment, but I'm sure both of you will get over it. So, during the ladder match
10:06itself on pay-per-view, we get a stare down between Lashley and Strowman. Hoss versus
10:11Hoss. Strowman tries to pick up Lashley for the running power slam. He counters, picks
10:16up Strowman on his shoulder, and then hits him with a running power slam of his own.
10:21Later on in the match, Strowman knocks Lashley down, gets a reinforced ladder, and places
10:26it over Lashley's chest, pinning him to the mat. And then he starts to climb the ladder,
10:31and then you see, wait, wait, what? Bobby Lashley just lifts the ladder with Braun Strowman
10:38on it. Everyone's losing their mind. He picks the ladder up, pushes it backward, tipping
10:42Braun Strowman into and through a table that's been set up in the corner of the ring. Bobby
10:47Lashley gets the ladder, places it back up, climbs it, and becomes Mr. Bobby in the Bank.
10:52Sorry, that's bad. Mr. Money in the Bobby. After the match, cool Byron Saxton heads to
10:59the ring, being just like, okay, dominant, yo. Which champion are you going to go after?
11:07Bang, bang, bang, bang. I'm really sorry, Byron. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Lashley leaves
11:12Byron Saxton in a heap, and then just saunters to the back, carrying his briefcase. Lashley
11:18then transitions into a full feud with Braun Strowman. The feud is all about who can commit
11:23the biggest amount of ludicrous damage. They try and have a normal one-on-one match on
11:27Raw, but unfortunately they break the top rope, they rip up the mat, they smash the
11:32timekeeper's area, and they have that, which is still Bobby Lashley's high point on Raw,
11:37where he grabs Strowman and spears him through the LED stage, breaking it. To prevent them
11:43from wrecking the entire place, management then says, okay, that didn't work. Let's put
11:47them in a cage match. Out comes Bobby Lashley on Raw, gets inside the cage. Braun Strowman
11:52walks down. He's on the outside of the cage. He's taunting Bobby Lashley, who then runs
11:57off the rope, runs back, and jumps onto the wall, smashing it down on Braun Strowman.
12:03If you're wondering exactly what I mean, Google Bobby Lashley, Umaga Cage, and... God,
12:10it's so easy. It's so great. So, with two attempts to contain Strowman versus Lashley
12:17having failed, then management say to Byron Saxton, hey, cool, Byron Saxton, could you
12:22go and tell both Lashley and Strowman that they are going to be having, at Extreme Rules,
12:27a Lumberjack match, and we're going to make sure that everyone kind of contains them.
12:33Byron Saxton goes up to Lashley, says, what up, my man? I'm really sorry, but a Lumberjack
12:41match... Why do I hate Byron? Because he's a dork, that's why. So, it's at Extreme Rules.
12:55It's the Lumberjack match, and it's a comedy chaos match. There's jobbers, it's like that
13:00Agent Smith scene in Matrix Reload. It just kind of, boom! The finish of the match ends
13:05up being Lashley spearing Strowman. There's loads of dead jobbers around the ring. He
13:09grabs three of them, piles them on top of Strowman, then kind of plants himself on top.
13:15One, two, three, Lashley defeats Strowman. Now, this whole thing has been making Lashley
13:20look completely unstoppable for what comes next. The following night, on Raw, there is
13:25a 30-man battle royal to determine the number one contender to Brock Lesnar's Universal
13:31Championship at SummerSlam. The final two, Roman Reigns, Bobby Lashley. Lashley hoes
13:38Roman out of the ring. He becomes the number one contender. Now, Paul Heyman obviously
13:43has stuff to say about this, but he's actually, weirdly, a lot more complimentary of Lashley
13:49than Brock Lesnar's normal opponent. He says, yeah, you're really strong. You're a destroyer.
13:55Frankly, I'm terrified of you, but let's make one thing very clear. You, my friend,
14:02have earned one match against Brock Lesnar, and after he's beaten you, there will be no
14:07plan B. They have a contract signing, and during the contract signing, it is stated
14:12explicitly in the contract that Bobby Lashley, in order to have this match at SummerSlam,
14:16has to leave his Money in the Bank briefcase in the locker room. Lashley silently agrees,
14:22finds a dotted line, picks up cool Byron Saxon, and throws him at Brock Lesnar. The
14:26two men have a huge pull-apart brawl, and this brings us to SummerSlam, and yeah. Like,
14:33at this point, Lashley has been built up enough so that this match is Hoss City. It's not
14:38Finnish spamming. It is starting with MMA violence, and then escalating in increasing levels of
14:44WWE ludicrousness. At one point, it seems like Lashley might have the match won, possibly,
14:51and then Paul Heyman trips up the referee on his way to making a three-cap. The referee
14:54looks at Paul Heyman, looks at the back, and then says, you, you, you, ooooh, hooray! Paul
15:02Heyman goes to the back, the match continues for another five or so minutes, and then Lesnar
15:06scoops up Lashley for an F5. Lashley rakes the eyes of Lesnar, and then looks at him
15:12before calmly and collectively kicking him in the penis. That's right, Brock Lesnar's
15:18glowing video game weak spot. He hooks him in the ballocks, and then the ref says, uh,
15:24DQ then, I guess? Lashley says, yeah, yeah, fair enough, heads out the ring, gets a chair,
15:32and wears it out on Brock Lesnar. Literally destroys the chair in destroying Brock, and
15:38then he looks to the back. Coming down the ramp, holding the Money in the Bank briefcase
15:44is Paul Heyman. Paul Heyman gives the referee the briefcase, instructs him to ring the
15:49bell. When he does, Lashley hits one more spear, one, two, three. Lashley is the new
15:57universal champion. He called Byron Saxton, gets into the ring, holds the microphone to
16:02Bobby Lashley's mouth, and Lashley just says, finally. Lashley takes the microphone, murders
16:10Byron Saxton, then gives the microphone to Paul Heyman, who says, your new reigning defending
16:18universal champion of the world, Bobby Lashley. Paul Heyman allies himself with Lashley because
16:29he says he sees in Lashley the hunger that Brock Lesnar used to have before he became
16:35too convinced of his own brilliance, before he failed at football. Paul Heyman's words,
16:39not mine. I might have to interview Brock one day. Paul Heyman's words, not mine. Before
16:43Brock let his talent morph into complacency, he sees that hunger now in Lashley. He proclaims
16:50Lashley the next big thing and pledges himself as an advocate. Now, Lashley has the gold.
16:58He's achieved his goal, and he's got a mouthpiece. Also, you've changed up Brock Lesnar's presentation
17:03for the first time in years. Now, he doesn't have Paul Heyman. Now, he's been embarrassed,
17:10and he's the angriest he's ever been. That leads to Bobby Lashley versus Brock Lesnar,
17:17hell in a cell, at the next pay-per-view. Thanks to Paul Heyman, Brock Lesnar loses
17:22to Lashley, who then pilmanizes his ankle after the match, after doing something like
17:27spearing him through the hell in a cell wall. He just grabs his ankle, wraps it in a chair,
17:32and smashes it with the ring steps. Brock Lesnar is out, which allows the Destroyer,
17:37the Almighty, to have a dominant super champion run against, well, Daniel Bryan at Survivor
17:44Series, Finn Balor at Royal Rumble. I mean, you might as well do all of Brock's opponents
17:49because there'd be brilliant opponents for Bobby Lashley, and really emphasizing his
17:54sheer power at the Royal Rumble, instead of Seth winning and going on to have a bit of
18:00a repetitive and slightly iffy year at Rollins. Then we have Brock Lesnar returning. He wins
18:06the Royal Rumble and goes on to face Lashley at WrestleMania 35. Now, because Rousey versus
18:12Lynch is going to be the main event of that in the increasingly complex Adam Extended
18:17Universe, then because that match can take place in the middle of the card, we can either
18:22have Lashley retain and thereby crown himself as, yes, the new Brock Lesnar, or if you see
18:28more money in Brock, which, you know, it's fair enough, he's a huge draw still, then
18:32you could have Brock conquer Lashley and become his own man outside of Paul Heyman. Then he
18:39can lose that title to Rollins at SummerSlam in a storyline that now hasn't happened
18:44twice in the same year. Isn't that delightful? Because, yeah, like Bobby Lashley doesn't
18:49have to win all the time. He can even retreat down the card a little after WrestleMania.
18:54Yeah, you've made him a main event caliber star. And with Paul Heyman, he should probably
18:58stay at the main event. But even if he doesn't, you've had at least one full year of brilliance,
19:03one full year of memories being crafted. And in the end, if you only get that one year,
19:09isn't that better than just sticking him in the mid card and then just having that be
19:11it? Having him be just another guy? Let him be special for at least a year. Because Bobby
19:17Lashley, which we've seen so rarely, so rarely, he's worth that. Also, it gets Paul Heyman
19:24on TV a lot more. That's brilliant. So that is how I would book Bobby Lashley's return
19:31to WWE. How would you do it? Do you think I've got it wrong? Let me know in the comments.
19:35Also, let me know what you'd like me to book in the future. I've been Adam, hailing from
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