Soap Season 2 Episode 7
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00:00In last week's episode of Soap, Chester's brain surgery proved he wasn't responsible
00:06for Peter's murder.
00:07Ordinarily, this would have made Chester happy.
00:09But Chester doesn't remember the murder, Peter, or even himself.
00:13Jody told Dennis that Carol is pregnant and he's responsible, and that he asked her to
00:16marry him because that would be the responsible thing to do.
00:19Then he decided to drop his plan to change Elaine as it might kill her, and he doesn't
00:23want to be responsible.
00:24Confused?
00:25You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
00:31This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:37These are the Tates.
00:40And these are the Campbells.
00:44And this is Soap.
01:00Oh, Chester, how wonderful.
01:14Up and around already.
01:16Ah, red hair.
01:18I love redheads.
01:19See how much better he is, Mrs. Tate?
01:22He remembers your hair color.
01:23Now, I can't tell you my wife's hair color.
01:25The man has more of his marbles than I do.
01:31How are you, Mr. Tate?
01:33Fine, just fine.
01:35But the lamb chops were fatty.
01:38Lamb chops?
01:39No, it's a common mistake.
01:41He thinks I'm a butcher.
01:44So do I.
01:46Intern, are you here to take me to therapy?
01:50I'm not an intern.
01:51I'm your son.
01:53My son's a doctor.
01:56Dad, it's me, Billy.
01:58Billy, I'm not a doctor.
01:59Well, I want you to know the family is very disappointed in you.
02:04Darling, you'll be coming home soon.
02:07Won't that be nice?
02:09With you?
02:10Yes.
02:13This is nice, I like her.
02:15Great balambas.
02:19This will be fun.
02:22Excuse me, I have a surgery to perform.
02:26I hope it's not a vasectomy.
02:35Hi.
02:36Hi.
02:38Well, I'm here. What's the surprise?
02:40Well, it isn't really a surprise.
02:42Maybe a little surprise, it's not a very big surprise.
02:44Just tell me.
02:47I've decided to marry you.
02:48Really?
02:50What a surprise.
02:53That's a great surprise.
02:55I'm really glad.
02:58Well, now, I have another surprise that maybe isn't really a surprise.
03:03It's kind of a...
03:04Carol, just tell me.
03:07Well, my father just came into town.
03:09And I thought, you know, that since he's here, we should tell him.
03:13We?
03:14Well, Daddy's kind of overprotective.
03:17He's always thought of me as his princess.
03:20So I thought you could tell him.
03:25Wonderful.
03:27I have to tell him that the princess is going to marry the queen.
03:34He already knows you're gay.
03:37No, I told him that when we moved in together, so he wouldn't worry.
03:40Well, it's going to be so easy, come on.
03:41Easy?
03:42Here he is.
03:43Hi there, Daddy.
03:45You must be Jody, huh?
03:47Nice to meet you, Mr. Davids.
03:48Hey.
03:50They call me Boomer.
03:52Boomer?
03:53Yeah, it's just an old nickname.
03:54When I played fullback at Duke, nothing could stop me.
03:57Hey, scotch, neat.
04:02How's my princess?
04:04Just fine, Daddy.
04:05I call her princess.
04:06Yeah, I noticed.
04:08Well, Daddy, I have something that I want to tell you.
04:11Oh, sure, princess.
04:13I'm...
04:14We...
04:16He will...
04:19What she's trying to say is we're going to be married.
04:22You too?
04:23Yeah.
04:25I thought he was...
04:27I am.
04:29Well, that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense.
04:31Oh, well, yes, it does, you see, because I'm...
04:37We're...
04:41The princess is pregnant, Boomer.
04:47Pregnant?
04:52Well, Jody, that's very noble of you.
04:55But what about the guy that's responsible?
04:57Where's he?
05:01You?
05:02Mr. David, for what it's worth, I'm going to be a very good husband and father.
05:05You'll never have to worry about Carol.
05:07Well, thanks, Jody.
05:08I appreciate that.
05:10It's just that it's a bit of a surprise.
05:12In my day, things were a little different.
05:15But the most important thing is Carol's happiness, what she wants.
05:19If she's happy, I'm happy. That's all I care about.
05:22Oh, thank you, Daddy.
05:24Excuse me, Mr. Dallas, there's a phone call for you.
05:26Oh, thank you. I'll be right back, Boomer.
05:30All right.
05:31All right, let me tell you something.
05:33If you ever bring that faggot around,
05:36I'll knock his teeth down his throat.
05:39Well, Daddy, if that's the way you feel, then why did you say the things you did?
05:42Well, a person has to be civil.
05:54Here.
05:55What's this for?
05:56To wear. They're your clothes.
05:58You're giving them back to me?
05:59Yeah.
06:00It's a trick. You want me to put them on so you can rip them off again.
06:03No, no, it's not a trick, Elaine.
06:05I don't want to do that anymore.
06:06So what's your plan now, to kill me?
06:09I don't have any more plans, Elaine.
06:13I'm giving up.
06:15What does that mean?
06:16It means I don't know what to do.
06:18There's one thing I do know, and that's I can't go on like this.
06:21Of course, I don't have a lot of happy choices.
06:23Being with you has been murder, and leaving you would literally be murder, so I don't know.
06:28It's that awful, huh?
06:29It's that awful, being with me.
06:31It sure has been.
06:33And the thing is that there was a time when I had the feeling it didn't have to be.
06:39Once, I think you had a day when you were nice.
06:44Just a nice, normal lady, and I really enjoyed you.
06:47In fact, I thought we had great possibilities.
06:50But then the next day, you were spitting food at me and calling me yutz.
06:56I don't hate you, Danny.
06:57Well, you sure give the best damn impression of it I've ever seen.
06:59I know.
07:00Well, why do you do that, Elaine?
07:02Why do you treat people that way?
07:05It's a long story.
07:08I got time.
07:13I had a sister once.
07:15She was a couple of years older than me.
07:17Her name was Diana.
07:20She was bright and beautiful and good and kind.
07:25She was one of those people who made everybody around her feel good.
07:30When she was 16, she was killed in a car accident.
07:35The night she died, my father, in his grief, said to me,
07:39Why wasn't it you?
07:43So, my mother was dead and my sister was dead.
07:47And my father, who I loved more than anyone else in this world,
07:50wished I was dead.
07:55And I got angry.
07:58I got angry, cold, mean.
08:03And I decided then never to love anybody ever again.
08:09Oh, Elaine, I didn't know.
08:14I love you, Danny.
08:17And maybe someday, if it's not already too late,
08:21you'll love me.
08:39Hi.
08:42Mary, what are you doing down here?
08:44I was waiting up for you. I guess I didn't make it.
08:46Something wrong?
08:47No, no. I just wanted to see you. I haven't seen you for three days.
08:52Three days? Mary, come on. You saw me this morning.
08:55This morning, I saw you as you were leaving the bathroom and I was entering.
08:58You said, Good morning. We're out of toilet paper.
09:02You're never here. You're always working.
09:04Come on. Hey, I'm building a future. This is for us, kiddo, for you.
09:07So you can have everything you ever dreamed of, like a bigger house, huh?
09:10Don't you want a bigger house?
09:12No, we don't want a bigger house.
09:14Mary, go back to sleep. I'll talk to you in the morning.
09:16I never met anybody who doesn't want a bigger house.
09:18I don't. I couldn't care less about those things.
09:21When did you ever hear me say I wanted a bigger house?
09:24All I want is you.
09:26You got me. You got me. I just want you to have everything.
09:30My friend Margo has everything.
09:32Her husband built an empire and she has everything.
09:34Except her husband, of course.
09:36You know how happy she is?
09:38She starts the day with cocoa puffs and vodka.
09:42By 12 o'clock, she's forgotten her name.
09:46I have everything I want and everything I need right here with you.
09:52I also need to do it for me.
09:56That's something else.
09:58I need to know I can do it.
10:01My father never did it.
10:02My father never did it.
10:04He tried, never did it.
10:07He was a short man.
10:09You know, not more than 5'6".
10:11A little guy with gigantic dreams.
10:14He always figured if he couldn't be tall, he could be big.
10:17Well, he wasn't either.
10:20He had to watch his kids grow up on potatoes.
10:22I'm lucky I got a tooth in my head here.
10:25We never had enough to eat or rooms of our own.
10:30He was a beaten man.
10:33He always looked like something was hurting.
10:38Even when he smiled, he looked like something hurt.
10:42I don't want to be my father, Mary.
10:45Every time I look in the mirror, I'm afraid I'm going to see his hurting, scared little smile on my face.
10:54I need to do it for me.
10:57You're going to keep doing it?
10:59I got to, Mary.
11:03Come on. What are you thinking?
11:06Well, I'm thinking, yes, I understand you.
11:09And yes, I see what you mean.
11:13I'm also thinking that tomorrow, when you're driving home,
11:17and some drunk jumps the center divider and you wind up dead,
11:21you will have spent the last days and nights of your life working.
11:27I'm also thinking that.
11:30Well, that's the last time I ask you what you're thinking.
11:33It's late. Let's go to sleep.
11:41I love you.
11:43I know.
11:51Hi, everybody.
11:53Oh, hello, Mary.
11:55My goodness, what is that?
11:57It's my famous apple walnut coffee ring.
11:59I made it for Chester. It's his favorite.
12:00Oh, that's so generous of you, Mary.
12:03Do you think Chester will remember it's his favorite?
12:07So, what's going on with you three?
12:09Well, Eunice is depressed and Grant is depressed.
12:13I was just debating whether or not to join them.
12:16Sounds like fun.
12:18Actually, I think I've been depressed quite a lot lately.
12:22I mean, I eat a lot and I just simply cannot sit still.
12:27I don't think you're depressed, Ma.
12:28I think you're horny.
12:44What is horny?
12:48What you feel like when you're not having any sex.
12:52Horny?
12:59What a funny word.
13:03Well, actually, I am not having any sex because Chester is in the hospital, but...
13:07Mary, I don't think not having sex could make me eat a lot.
13:11Wrong. I have been eating like a pig.
13:15Bert can't again?
13:18No, he can, but he's never home.
13:20I've gained six pounds since my wedding.
13:23That makes no sense at all.
13:25Well, when Tim's mother died, so did our sex life.
13:27I've gained five pounds since Dutch left.
13:29Dutch? You and Dutch?
13:31Eunice, he's a criminal.
13:33Oh, you're going to lecture me, Mrs. Fallen Priest?
13:37Mary, look, we've eaten all the nuts.
13:40You know, I'd love a piece of that.
13:42No, now, Corinne, that's for Daddy.
13:44Oh, just one piece?
13:46Well, look, since it's a ring, I could cut out one piece and then put it together.
13:54I love sex.
13:57So do I.
13:59Well, actually, I think it's pretty wonderful, too.
14:02But I'm not entirely sure I should.
14:05Mary, could I have just a little piece of that?
14:08You see, our mother never told us that it would be pleasant.
14:11No, what Mother said was that it was required, like going to school had been,
14:16and that the best thing to do was close your eyes and make out your grocery list.
14:21And she also said that if you were really lucky,
14:24your husband would have a mistress and then the mistress would get stuck with it.
14:29What a terrible way to live.
14:31Well, Corinne, that was a long time ago before they discovered sex wasn't filled.
14:36It took you a long time to tell me that sex was nice.
14:40That's because you knew before I did.
14:45I like it in the morning.
14:55I think the earliest I ever had it was noon.
14:59I don't think that could be counted as the morning.
15:02Bert likes it in the morning, too.
15:05I don't like the morning because of all that light.
15:08What, you like it in the dark?
15:10Not me, you never know who you're with.
15:13I keep track.
15:18What I mean is it's nice to see a person's face.
15:22Face?
15:25Oh.
15:33Well, I like it in another room.
15:39Doesn't that make it very difficult for Bert?
15:44No.
15:46With him, Jessie.
15:48With him in another room.
15:50Where?
15:52Oh.
15:55The kitchen.
16:07Outside is nice.
16:09Well, I don't think it really matters where you do it, just as long as you do it well.
16:16Bert does it very well.
16:19With my first husband, however, it was like a news bulletin.
16:22Brief, unexpected, and usually a disaster.
16:27Oh, Mary.
16:29Look what we've done.
16:31The whole thing.
16:33We almost ate the whole thing.
16:35We couldn't have.
16:37I only had one piece.
16:38Me, too.
16:39That's all I had.
16:41Eunice, please, one piece, you had at least three.
16:43Me? Oh, please, your mouth hasn't been empty for a minute.
16:46Girl, please, don't fight, I'll make Chester another.
16:49Oh, good.
16:50Anyway, it's not our fault, it's theirs.
16:52Whose?
16:53The men. If we weren't so frustrated, we wouldn't be eating like this.
16:56That's right. If I wasn't really so horny, I wouldn't be eating this apple ring.
17:01I don't even like this apple ring.
17:03I think I had six pieces.
17:13Cameron, son.
17:14Bert.
17:15Yeah.
17:16Look, I know you're busy, but what I figure is this.
17:21Churches don't have to pay taxes, right?
17:26Right.
17:27Okay, what we do is, we put a steeple on top of this building that we're building, no taxes.
17:33A steeple on top of a 45-story office building, huh?
17:35Right.
17:36Yeah, well, better fool them.
17:38And a bell. A steeple and a bell.
17:40A steeple and a bell, huh?
17:41Yeah.
17:42Sounds like a good idea.
17:43Yeah?
17:44Yeah, it's really very good.
17:45Yeah, I thought you'd like it, I'm gonna get right on it.
17:51Yeah.
17:57What's the matter with you?
17:58Danny, that's the most idiotic idea I ever heard.
18:02Danny, hey, come on, go home.
18:04You used to stay here because you didn't want to go home, and now you've got something nice to go home to, huh?
18:09Yeah.
18:10Go home.
18:11To Elaine, my wife, who I love.
18:14Good night, Sal.
18:15Good night, Danny.
18:18Would you sign this for me, please?
18:19Yeah, what is it?
18:20A letter of recommendation to help me find a new job.
18:22What?
18:23I can't stay here.
18:25Sally, what are you talking about?
18:26You're the best, you're the most incredible secretary I've ever had.
18:30Bert, I'm in love with you.
18:34I can't stay here because I'm in love with you.
18:36No, you're not.
18:37No, you're not.
18:38No, you're not.
18:39No, you're not.
18:40No, you're not.
18:41I can't stay here because I'm in love with you.
18:42No, you're not.
18:43You're not.
18:44What you're having is not love.
18:46What you're having here is, uh, is, uh...
18:50Lust?
18:51Maybe lust could be lost.
18:54No, it sounds like your typical lust, and lust is not serious.
18:57Lust just lasts two or three days and...
19:01I'm ugly.
19:02That's it.
19:03You're not ugly.
19:04What are you talking about ugly?
19:05What makes you think that you're ugly?
19:07Because you don't want me.
19:08Because I'm married, not because you're ugly.
19:10You're not?
19:11Yes, I am.
19:12Sally, please.
19:13If I wasn't married, I'd be with you in a second.
19:15You would?
19:16Sure.
19:17You're a very desirable person.
19:19No.
19:20Yeah, look.
19:21Mind, you've got very pretty hair.
19:23Oh, thank you.
19:24And your eyes, you've got gorgeous blue eyes.
19:27And, um, you've got a mouth.
19:30You've got a wonderful mouth.
19:31It's like a very sensual mouth.
19:33And, uh...
19:34Oh, you've got legs.
19:35Excuse me.
19:36Excuse me.
19:37Excuse me.
19:38Excuse me.
19:39Please.
19:40I can't concentrate nights.
19:41I can't sleep on the rec because I love you.
19:43Sally.
19:44Sally, listen to me.
19:45Listen to me now.
19:46You feel this way right now because there is a slight vacuum in your life.
19:49And you want to put me in there to fill it up.
19:51That's all.
19:52That's it.
19:53Come on.
19:54Sally, stay, please.
19:55Stay.
19:57Okay, I'll stay.
19:58Good girl.
19:59Thank you.
20:07But if you should change your mind about us...
20:09Oh, I'll get in touch.
20:11Any time, any place.
20:13Please.
20:14I'm yours.
20:15It's good to know.
20:16It's good to know.
20:26Will Danny and Elaine stay in love?
20:28Will love be enough to keep Bert and Mary together?
20:30Will Sally's love for Bert ever be fulfilled?
20:33Will the love of his home help Chester get his memory back?
20:36Will Jessica, Mary, Corinne and Eunice get what they'd love to get?
20:39Or will they just get fat?
20:41These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
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