Soap Season 2 Episode 2
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00:00In last week's episode of Soap, much to everyone's surprise, Chester confessed to the killing
00:06of Peter.
00:07Of course, no one's surprised he was sent to prison.
00:09Danny tried to convince Elaine not to marry him by faking impotency, but it didn't work.
00:14The plan, that is.
00:15And now he has to marry her.
00:16Jodi and Carol are now sharing an apartment, but what they're not sharing is Carol's secret
00:21that she is pregnant and Jodi's the father.
00:23Meanwhile, back in prison, Chester's cellmate Dutch is hoping to escape.
00:27Chester, who hates him, hopes he will, but is horrified to hear that he has to go along.
00:31Confused?
00:32You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
00:40This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:47These are the Tates.
00:50And these are the Campbells.
00:53This is Soap.
01:23Get up, Tate, we're ready.
01:25Ready for what?
01:26The escape.
01:27We're escaping, nerd.
01:28Shut up.
01:29It's night time, for God's sake.
01:32What do you want to do, escape in broad daylight, you moron?
01:35At least we could see.
01:39Have a little dinner first.
01:40Now listen, Tate, I want you to attract the guard's attention.
01:51How?
01:52Scream.
01:53I can't scream.
01:56Scream, Tate.
01:59No, I can't, really, really.
02:02No sound comes out here.
02:03My mouth opens and nothing.
02:05I'm a silent screamer.
02:08Watch.
02:09See?
02:10Nothing.
02:11Ah!
02:12All right, what's going on?
02:18Hey Danny, your mother's got our bathroom all tied up with her crying.
02:27Can I use yours?
02:28Yeah, sure.
02:29But what's the matter?
02:30Why is she crying?
02:31Why is she crying?
02:32Dan, you're getting married.
02:33She's been crying since last night.
02:34She's crying because I'm getting married?
02:35Well, last night she's crying because you're getting married.
02:37Tonight she's crying because her eyes look so bad from last night's crying.
02:40I don't know.
02:41We're all excited or upset.
02:42Look at me.
02:43I got to shave.
02:54I love the commercials for this razor.
02:56Two swipes, a guy has shaved his entire face.
02:58Of course, the man's a eunuch.
03:01You know, I've been thinking, Danny.
03:03Danny, I've been thinking, you know, I'm not going to work forever.
03:06I mean, you know, I'm going to retire someday and I don't want to sell my business.
03:10I want to be able to pass it on.
03:11So, I don't know, I've been thinking, how about we become partners?
03:16Partners?
03:17Yeah.
03:18You and me?
03:19Yeah.
03:20Gee, Bert, that's wonderful.
03:22I mean, what a surprise.
03:24Only thing is, right now I'm afraid I can't see my way clear.
03:28You can't see your way clear?
03:30Yeah.
03:31You see, I have a couple of interesting prospects of my own.
03:34I'm thinking of becoming a banker.
03:38A banker?
03:39Yeah.
03:40Now, Danny, what are you talking about?
03:41You just don't go out and be a banker?
03:44Of course you can.
03:46You rent a place, you hire a few tellers, you put up a sign that says bank,
03:48and the people come by and drop off their dough.
03:52Danny, first of all, the government controls the banks.
03:55And secondly, you need a lot of money to open a bank.
03:58I could borrow some.
04:02You're going to go to a bank to borrow money to open a bank?
04:07Pretty good, huh?
04:12Well, I have another very interesting idea.
04:21Opening up a supermarket.
04:23Opening up a supermarket?
04:24Yeah.
04:26No good?
04:29I have a very exciting idea that could revolutionize travel.
04:32Revolutionize travel?
04:33Yeah.
04:34I'm in this department store yesterday, right?
04:36They take my money and put it in a tube.
04:37And then they put the tube in a chute and thwack!
04:40Back it comes with my change.
04:42So?
04:43So.
04:44So I'm thinking, what about a tube like that, but bigger?
04:48Carrying passengers from New York to L.A.
04:50Thwack!
04:54Be there in seconds.
04:59Listen, Danny, Danny, Danny.
05:01Please, you've got to grow up.
05:02I mean, what do you know?
05:03Your entire experience is driving a car for the mob.
05:05And suddenly you've got all these kind of fancy ideas.
05:07You know how to parallel park, Danny.
05:09That's it.
05:12Danny, I'm offering you a partnership here to be my partner.
05:15Your partner, huh?
05:17I admit it's not a bank, but it's a start.
05:19Campbell and Stepson.
05:22No, Danny, you don't say Campbell and Stepson.
05:24You say Campbell and Son.
05:26Okay.
05:27Huh?
05:28You're partners?
05:29Partners.
05:30I'm sorry.
05:34I'm good.
05:35I'm doing it.
05:57You're making those nuts secure, Tate?
05:58Oh, yes, yes.
05:59I make wonderful nuts.
06:00That's good.
06:01You want to test it?
06:03No, no, no, no.
06:05Come on.
06:07Ow.
06:18Oh, I got one.
06:21Tate, are you all right?
06:24Wonderful.
06:35This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life.
06:37I know.
06:38It's not.
06:39I know.
06:40It's the worst.
06:41There.
06:42I always thought I'd be nervous but happy.
06:44I always thought I'd be happy but sad.
06:48I'm just miserable.
06:49So am I.
06:50I always thought I'd love the girl I married.
06:53I always thought the girl you'd marry would be a little like me,
06:55but Elaine is...
06:57I don't know.
06:58She's a pig.
07:05Danny, that is a terrible thing to say.
07:09It's awful.
07:15But it's true.
07:17She is.
07:18She's a pig.
07:21She is not a pig.
07:22Don't say that.
07:23Don't say that.
07:26She's the girl you're going to marry.
07:27You can't call her a pig.
07:30Even if she is one.
07:36Mr. and Mrs. Burt Campbell
07:38are happy to announce the marriage of their son Danny to a pig.
07:54What are we laughing at?
07:59How terrible it is that Danny has to marry a girl he hates.
08:05So what's the big joke?
08:07You are, dear.
08:10Get your flaky sister out of here, please,
08:12and for God's sake, get dressed.
08:14The ceremony's going to start.
08:16I am dressed.
08:18You're in bad shape.
08:22Wait a minute.
08:23I'm not in bad shape.
08:25I'm not in bad shape.
08:26I'm not in bad shape.
08:27I'm not in bad shape.
08:28I'm not in bad shape.
08:29I'm not in bad shape.
08:30I'm not in bad shape.
08:31I'm not in bad shape.
08:33Wait a minute.
08:34You're not supposed to see the groom before the wedding.
08:36It's bad luck.
08:37And this marriage has got enough going against it already.
08:40Come on, dear.
08:41Let's wait outside.
08:43You?
08:44You better move it.
08:45The rabbi says he's got to leave in ten minutes.
08:46He's got a bar mitzvah, two funerals, a bris,
08:48and tickets to Pippin.
08:50Come on, dear.
08:51They'll be along in just a moment.
08:53Oh, you do look lovely.
08:56You know, no one would guess you're trash.
09:03Susan, um, what were we laughing about?
09:07I'll tell you later.
09:09Oh, yeah, all right.
09:10Sure, I'll go.
09:17Well, one thing doesn't change no matter who you marry.
09:21You're moving out.
09:24I'm losing my baby.
09:25You're not losing me, Ma.
09:27I am, I am, I am.
09:30You'll have your own home, your own family, your own refrigerator.
09:36You'll never call.
09:37Don't be silly.
09:38Of course I'll call.
09:39When?
09:40What do you mean when?
09:41I'll call every day.
09:42You will?
09:43Of course I will.
09:44And you'll come to dinner?
09:45Sure.
09:46Every night?
09:47Oh, Ma.
09:49Mrs. Gorney's son got married and moved to California.
09:53He hears from him once a year at Christmas.
09:57He sends her a card with a picture of his Mercedes.
09:59That's it.
10:02And Mrs. Kadish, poor soul, her son got married and moved away.
10:07She hasn't taken a bath in two years.
10:12She's afraid he'll call.
10:13She'll be in the tub.
10:19Come on, Ma.
10:20That'll never happen.
10:22I know I sound very silly to you,
10:24but someday when you have children, you'll understand
10:26that you say goodbye to a bit of your life when you say goodbye to your child.
10:32But it's not goodbye, Ma.
10:35I'll see you.
10:38Yes, of course you will.
10:41We'd better go.
10:42There are 400 Swedish meatballs getting cold out there.
10:47I love you, Ma.
10:50Come here, Danny.
11:09Perhaps you know, Mr. Lefkowitz,
11:12could you tell me why Jewish sculptors work in chopped liver instead of marble?
11:19How about you?
11:20You make up your mind yet?
11:21About what, Bert?
11:22About what, Bert?
11:23You're living with a girl and dating a boy,
11:24so which one's your girlfriend?
11:25The boy or the girl?
11:27Because if it's the girl, her father gives the wedding,
11:29and if it's the boy, just because he's a football boy,
11:30you don't think you're a bride,
11:31and I'm giving the wedding because, forget about it, I'm not.
11:36Hey, Elaine.
11:37These are my cousins, Corrine and Eunice.
11:40So?
11:45Charlie.
11:46A black man you invite?
11:48A schwarzer?
11:51It's their side of the family.
11:53Their side?
11:55A black man?
11:57A blood relative?
11:59Nah, you're kidding.
12:00The man's a schwa.
12:06Schwarzer.
12:12Benson, I'm sorry.
12:13I really hope you're not offended.
12:15Listen, you're the one who's marrying into this family.
12:17If you're happy, I'm tickled pink.
12:22Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make a toast.
12:26This is an occasion I've looked forward to for a very long time.
12:29The marriage of my daughter.
12:31When my wife died, I promised her on her deathbed
12:33I would take care of Elaine till the day she married,
12:36that she would never want for anything.
12:38I've kept that promise.
12:41And so I hand my daughter over to a fine young man
12:44who from now on will take care of her
12:46because I'm completely cutting her off.
12:49She'll never get another penny or hear another word from me
12:51as long as I live
12:53because she is a disgusting person
12:55and nothing thrills me more than to be rid of her forever, l'chaim.
13:11This is high.
13:12How do we get down?
13:13We jump.
13:14Forget it.
13:16Go ahead and jump, Tate.
13:17Please, after you.
13:19Okay.
13:22Don't get up.
13:23Why?
13:24I need something soft to land on.
13:30To tell you the truth, Dennis,
13:31Elaine's father cut them off completely.
13:34And now they have to go live with my parents
13:36because Danny doesn't have a dime.
13:40Hi.
13:41Hi.
13:42What are you doing up so late?
13:44Waiting for you.
13:46Yeah, well, maybe I should go, huh?
13:48Don't go.
13:49Go.
13:50Carol?
13:52That's all right.
13:53I could use a good night's sleep anyway.
13:55I'll talk to you tomorrow.
13:58Good night, Carol.
14:02I've had it with you, Carol!
14:04I can't live like this anymore.
14:06I'm moving out.
14:07Now, listen, I'll pay half the rent
14:09so you're able to get yourself together.
14:11Don't do that, Carol.
14:13I lost my baby.
14:15Now she'll see that I'm moving in.
14:17What?
14:22I swear!
14:26All right, Carol, all right.
14:28Carol, okay.
14:29We'll give it another few weeks.
14:31But you've got to understand
14:32that we each have our own lives.
14:34No.
14:35No, you don't understand,
14:36and no, we don't have our own lives.
14:39Would you talk to me?
14:41Things have changed.
14:43What things?
14:44Things.
14:45Could you be more specific?
14:50I'm having a baby.
14:54What?
14:55I'm gonna have your baby.
15:09You're pregnant?
15:11Up until now,
15:12that's how you usually had babies.
15:16You sure?
15:18The rabbit died.
15:24Carol?
15:26Uh, Carol, uh...
15:28How do you know that it's, uh...
15:30I mean, how can you be sure that it's...
15:32It's yours.
15:34How can you be sure?
15:35Jody, you were the only one.
15:37But it was only once.
15:38That'll do it.
15:43A baby?
15:44Yes.
15:47A baby.
15:48Right.
15:49You went to the doctor?
15:50Yes.
15:51Well, what did he say?
15:52You're pregnant.
15:53Besides that, I mean...
15:56Carol, are you okay?
15:58Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
16:01Healthy as a horse.
16:03Fine, healthy,
16:05fine, healthy...
16:07mother-to-be.
16:08Right.
16:10Well, the father-to-be is not your standard model here.
16:15I mean, considering he's in love with a man,
16:17and, uh, up until a few months ago
16:18was wearing his mother's clothes,
16:19but, hey, that's okay.
16:24Oh, Jody.
16:26Maybe they made a mistake.
16:27I mean, doctors can make mistakes.
16:29If you're not an investment banker,
16:30sometimes they don't pay attention.
16:32It isn't a mistake.
16:34I see.
16:44What do you want to do?
16:48I'm gonna have the baby.
16:51You're gonna have the baby?
16:57She's gonna have a baby.
17:05Be calm.
17:07How can I be calm
17:08when right after your husband escapes,
17:09several other criminals
17:10go right up through the same bars
17:11that they cut and escape, too?
17:12And several of them were killers.
17:14Don't you worry.
17:15We're gonna catch all of them.
17:16Well, most of them.
17:17Well, some of them.
17:18I don't know.
17:20I can't believe that Dad's an escaped prisoner.
17:22We must shoot escaping prisoners
17:25to set an example.
17:27I know this is bending the Geneva Accord slightly,
17:30but so what?
17:33Where is Benson?
17:35It's time for our dessert.
17:36He's down in the basement, Mom.
17:37Oh, darling, would you go down and get him?
17:39All right.
17:41I hate the basement.
17:42It gives me the creeps.
17:43The basement doesn't bother me a bit.
17:45It's the attic I hate.
17:46I don't like the ocean.
17:50The ocean always scares me.
17:54I wonder where Daddy's gonna go.
17:56Probably Mexico or, uh, South America.
17:59Oh, I don't think so.
18:00Your father and I went there once on a cruise,
18:02and he never got out of the bathroom.
18:06Well, what is keeping Billy?
18:08Corinne, please, go and see where your brother is.
18:11Oh, only if Eunice comes with me.
18:13Oh, honestly, Corinne.
18:17I once escaped from a POW camp.
18:20I dug a tunnel with a spoon
18:22and carried the dirt out in my shorts.
18:25And after ten months of digging,
18:27I finally made my escape through the tunnel.
18:29Oh, it was a beautiful tunnel.
18:32There was only one thing wrong with it, though.
18:35It came out right in Hitler's dressing room.
18:40That's nice, Daddy.
18:41Eunice, Billy, children, come on now.
18:44I'm ready for my dessert.
18:47That's strange.
18:50I also ruined my only pair of shorts.
18:54Hello?
18:58Yoo-hoo!
19:00Where is everybody?
19:05Is this a surprise party?
19:09Because if it is, I'm not telling you my age.
19:14All right, now, come on.
19:16Fun's fun, but everybody come up.
19:20Hmm.
19:26Strange.
19:46All right.
19:50I'm coming down now.
19:53But please don't anybody scare me.
20:01Billy?
20:05Eunice?
20:08Corinne?
20:20Will Danny and Elaine find happiness even though he thinks she's a farm animal?
20:23Will Bert and Mary find happiness living with Danny and a farm animal?
20:27Will Jody have to change his life once he's changing diapers?
20:30Will Sheriff Tinkler find Chester, Dutch, and the other escaped criminals?
20:34And if he does find Chester, what kind of shape will he be in?
20:37What's happened to Benson, Billy, Eunice, and Corinne in the basement?
20:41And what's going to happen to Jessica?
20:44These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
20:52Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.
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