SOAP 1980 Season 1 episodes 15-16
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00:00This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:11Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as Rich.
00:16Jessica likes life.
00:17The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all
00:22to music.
00:24The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
00:30We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
00:35Mary too likes life.
00:37Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
00:41As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
00:47They do, however, have as many secrets.
00:55In last week's episode of Soap, the Tates and the Campbells, who are all murder suspects,
01:00all suspect each other.
01:02Sheriff Tinkler, however, has eliminated all suspects but one, and has arrested Corinne
01:07Tate for the murder of Peter Campbell.
01:10The Tates are outraged about Corinne's arrest, and the Campbells don't know about it yet.
01:16If you're confused, you won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
01:25We begin this week's episode shortly after Corinne's arrest.
01:30Oh, come on, Batman.
01:32Now you know it's illegal.
01:33Oh, please, illegal.
01:34I told him he could go around the world for $100.
01:37I'm a travel agent, for God's sake.
01:39Oh, please.
01:40Officer Tinkler, this is silly.
01:42It's hardly necessary to put a sweet young girl in jail.
01:49That's just what I told him.
01:53Chet?
02:03Do you know her?
02:04Who?
02:05That girl.
02:06That girl that said, hi, Chet.
02:09Oh, no.
02:12She said, I bet, bet, probably arrested for gambling.
02:17Okay, Corinne, if you'll just give me your personal belongings, your purse, your jewelry.
02:25This is an outrage, Tinkler.
02:26You have not one shred of proof I'm going to sue you for false arrest, I swear it.
02:31Look, we found her fingerprints all over the place, Mr. Tate.
02:34Of course you did, you moron.
02:36I lived there.
02:37There were a lot of people that knew you two weren't getting along.
02:40Well, of course they weren't getting along.
02:42They were living together.
02:44I mean, who ever heard of people living together and getting along?
02:48It's people who don't live together that get along.
02:51That's why one hears about so few divorces among them.
02:57Come on, Corinne.
02:59Step over here, will you?
03:00Just give me your thumb.
03:01Put it right in there.
03:02What about bail, Tinkler?
03:03I'll arrange for a hearing.
03:05Won't be until tomorrow, though.
03:06I want it now.
03:07And I'm sorry, the judge is gone.
03:09She's going to have to spend the night.
03:10Then I would like to see her room, please.
03:15Room?
03:16I'm sorry, Mrs. Tate.
03:18My dear man, Corinne cannot sleep without cross ventilation.
03:22She has allergies.
03:23Now look, Mrs. Tate, this is a jail, not a hotel.
03:26Then she's not going.
03:28She is going.
03:29Then I'm going with her.
03:30I'm sorry.
03:31Why can't she come with me?
03:33I'm her mother.
03:34Mr. Tate.
03:35Come on, Corinne.
03:37You let me take her home, and I'll lock her up in her room,
03:40if that'll make you happy.
03:42Let's go.
03:43Please don't take her away.
03:45Ma, I don't want to go.
03:47I know.
03:48I know.
03:49Baby, it'll be for just one night.
03:52It's time, Corinne.
03:53Let's go.
03:54She's my little girl.
03:55Ma!
03:59Oh, Chester.
04:01Chester, she's gone.
04:04My baby's gone to jail.
04:10Corinne.
04:35Oh.
04:56It had to have been more than one person.
04:59What was that noise?
05:01Bert, what are you doing?
05:03No, just proving my theory, Mary.
05:05Just proving my theory.
05:07What did you do to my Mr. Bozo?
05:11Darling, why don't you let the police do this?
05:14They're trained for this work.
05:16Are you kidding?
05:17Police?
05:18It's been three days.
05:19What have they come up with?
05:20Nothing.
05:21Right now, I guarantee you,
05:22I know more about this crime than they do.
05:24For instance, I've narrowed it down to one of two things.
05:27Tito was murdered either by the Tates
05:30or by a man with more than two arms.
05:34Bert, how can you know that?
05:37How?
05:38Well, let's prove it, that's how.
05:40And notice, if you will,
05:41I'm working under very primitive conditions here.
05:44The police have got a modern crime lab,
05:45computers, what not, huh?
05:47And who comes up with the first big break of the case?
05:49Me.
05:50Who? A civilian.
05:51We heard gunshots.
05:52What happened?
05:53Nothing, Chuck.
05:54Oh, too bad.
05:55I thought Lady Dirk blew his head off.
05:58Hey, keep him quiet, will you?
06:00Hey, Inspector, did you figure out who did it
06:02or do you just hate clowns?
06:07No, I figured out who did it.
06:09Oh, I can't wait to hear.
06:11The Tates did it.
06:12All of them?
06:13That's right.
06:14One used a brick, another a gun, another a knife.
06:17Most families go on picnics together, these people kill.
06:21Bert, they made an arrest.
06:23You won't believe it.
06:24Corinne.
06:25Oh, I knew it, I knew it.
06:27What happened to your group theory?
06:28Listen, out of all of the Tates,
06:30she's the only one who could have done it alone.
06:32Corinne's a terrific athlete.
06:33You ever see those shoulders on her?
06:37Corinne, Corinne, how do you like that?
06:39Corinne didn't do it, you know Corinne.
06:41How can you possibly think that she did that?
06:43Mary, you never know what evil lurks in the hearts of men.
06:46Or women.
06:47You don't think Lizzie Borden's mother
06:49wasn't surprised when she saw that ax coming?
06:51Corinne, Corinne, I knew it was her.
06:53I was on her trail, I was getting close to the police,
06:55they just got their equipment, that's all.
06:57Bert, darling, let's go upstairs.
06:59Come on, come on.
07:00Corinne, Corinne, the shoulders.
07:02You see here?
07:03My name's on the line.
07:05The shoulders.
07:06He's just not ready for the banana hatch.
07:08Hey, Chuck, what is it with you?
07:10Me?
07:11Yeah.
07:12Hey, you got us confused, Dodo.
07:13I'm Bob, he's Chuck.
07:14Well, he's the one who talks.
07:15Oh, yeah?
07:16Yeah.
07:17Then why are you listening to me?
07:23Well, I thought your father was stupid,
07:25but, uh, that one, I seen smarter rocks.
07:29Danny, Danny, Danny, come on now.
07:32I get confused, too.
07:34Hey, listen, Jody, do me a favor, would ya?
07:36Name it.
07:37Bert's really getting kind of nutty.
07:39I want you to promise me you'll take care of Ma.
07:41You make it sound like you're never coming back.
07:44I can't do it anymore, Jody.
07:46I can't keep running.
07:48Well, what are you gonna do?
07:51I'm gonna talk to Lefkowitz.
07:52He's the man who wants to kill you.
07:54What are you gonna do, call him up and make a lunch date?
07:56I'm gonna surprise him, Jody.
07:57I'm gonna break into his house.
07:59Oh, that'll surprise him.
08:00That'll stun him for two or three seconds.
08:01Then he's gonna blow your head off.
08:04Look, I got no choice.
08:05It's like a chicken walking in the front door of Colonel Sanders.
08:11I'm gonna do it.
08:12Will you wish me luck?
08:14I'd like to wish you a bulletproof vest.
08:15That's what I'd like to wish you.
08:18Oh.
08:20Good luck.
08:22Hey, don't worry.
08:23I'll be back.
08:26I'll see you, little brother.
08:28Okay.
08:33I hope so, big brother.
08:48Look at this, Randall.
08:51They're showing printed bed sheets in the States now.
08:55Oh, they're so pretty.
08:57And Bloomingdale's has them buntered off.
09:00Do you think they send them to Ecuador, Randall?
09:05Randall!
09:07What?
09:08Do you think Bloomingdale's will send me sheets if I order them?
09:12What are you talking about, Ingrid?
09:14Of course, we really need that.
09:16We really need flowered sheets in Ecuador to attract even more mosquitoes.
09:22Randall.
09:23What?
09:24I hate you.
09:27Yes, love.
09:29I hate Ecuador.
09:31I hate this jungle.
09:33I hate the people.
09:36I hate the bugs.
09:38I hate this drink.
09:39I hate this table.
09:41I hate everything, Randall.
09:45Randolph.
09:48See, I'm talking to myself.
09:50I live in the jungle with a man in a coma.
09:56I have boa constrictors in my house.
09:59My backyard is a swamp.
10:01Our neighbors are headhunters.
10:03It's very nice.
10:06Maybe House Beautiful would like to do a cover.
10:11Listen to the moron.
10:14Look at this, Ingrid.
10:15Look at this.
10:16Do you know what this is?
10:18It's an X, you twit.
10:22It's the buried Amazon treasure.
10:24And it's right here, exactly on this spot.
10:27It's an X, Randolph.
10:29You wrote it with your ballpoint pen.
10:31I just saw you.
10:33I've been working on these calculations for years.
10:35It's the buried Inca treasure.
10:36Ingrid, we're going there.
10:38This could be big.
10:39Oh, my God, I don't believe it.
10:41Oh, believe it, believe it.
10:43We'll find a fortune.
10:45Oh, my God, Randolph.
10:46It's Corinne.
10:48She's been arrested.
10:50Randolph, you moron, look.
10:52Who's that?
10:53Corinne.
10:54Who's Corinne?
10:56What's the matter with you, you idiot?
10:58You have jungle wrath of the brain, Corinne.
11:00Oh, Corinne.
11:02That can't be Corinne.
11:04Corinne's just a baby.
11:06Randolph, will you look at what it says?
11:08She's been arrested for murder.
11:10I must go to her, Randolph.
11:12I must go.
11:14She needs me.
11:15Oh, I need my papers.
11:17I need tickets.
11:19I need reservations.
11:21I need my shots.
11:23Oh, my God, I need winter clothes.
11:25Wonderful.
11:27Where am I going to get a fur in Quito, Ecuador?
11:29Randolph, you must come with me.
11:31To the furriers.
11:33There's no furrier in Ecuador.
11:35No, no, no, to Dunn's Reef for Connecticut.
11:37Never.
11:39I'll never go back there.
11:41Never, ever, ever will I go back to Dunn's River.
11:43I'd sooner throw myself to the piranhas.
11:45I'll draw it on the map.
11:47I believe there are some right next to the X.
11:59Danke.
12:16Don't move or I'll kill you, I swear it.
12:18I'm not moving.
12:20I'm not moving.
12:22Who are you?
12:24What the hell are you doing here?
12:26Shh, shh, please.
12:28Don't shush me, you idiot.
12:30I live here.
12:32I'm not going to hurt you, I swear.
12:34Of course not.
12:36I've got the gun.
12:38True.
12:40Listen, I just came to talk.
12:42That's all, really.
12:43Oh, he came to talk.
12:45Listen, do you think I could lower my arms?
12:48I've got bursitis in my shoulder.
12:50You make one move, one false move,
12:53and you'll be confetti.
12:55Okay, now slowly lower your arms.
12:59Oh, thanks.
13:01Now take off the mask.
13:06Hi.
13:08Hello.
13:10Now listen, I'm not a burglar or anything.
13:13Are you a rapist?
13:15No, no, no.
13:17I'm nothing like that, uh-uh.
13:19Well, I wish you could have broken in a couple hours ago
13:22when I had some makeup on.
13:24Yeah, listen, the reason that I came here
13:26was to talk to Mr. Lefkowitz.
13:28Is he around anywhere?
13:30Hey, what I want to know is how'd you get past
13:32Daddy's security system, fly?
13:34He's your father?
13:36No, I'm living in this fortress because I'm Rapunzel.
13:38Oh, wow.
13:40I didn't know he was your father.
13:41Are you not a rapist?
13:43No.
13:45I mean, no, I'm not. No, I'm not a rapist.
13:47Listen, your old man's got a contract out on me.
13:50Now, what do you think my chances would be
13:52of talking him out of it?
13:54You all right, Miss Lefkowitz?
13:56I'm fine.
13:58I'm sorry to bother you.
14:00We thought there might be a prowler.
14:02The dogs are going crazy.
14:04Well, if you'd stop beating them and start feeding them,
14:06maybe they'd calm down, you yutz.
14:08Thanks.
14:09What's your name?
14:11Danny.
14:13I'm Elaine.
14:15Hi.
14:17Hi.
14:19Oh, God, I hope he doesn't kill you.
14:21You're adorable.
14:23Well, somehow I don't think my looks
14:25are going to carry much weight with him.
14:27Well, maybe I can help you.
14:29How?
14:31Well, he is my father.
14:33Boy, I'd really appreciate it.
14:35And how would you show your appreciation?
14:37Well, I'd thank you.
14:39Well, I, uh...
14:41I don't know what you want.
14:43Get your clothes off.
14:50Cute.
14:52You got such a humor.
14:54I said, get your clothes off.
14:56What are you, serious?
15:04Serious?
15:06Boy, this is going to be tough.
15:10I mean, under this kind of pressure,
15:12don't expect much.
15:19Come in.
15:21Hi.
15:23Hi, Mom.
15:25What are you doing?
15:27Just reading.
15:29So, how are you?
15:31Hi, I saw you at dinner ten minutes ago.
15:33Oh, that's right.
15:35How was work today?
15:37It was easy, since it was Sunday and I didn't go.
15:39Exactly, of course it was Sunday.
15:41We had a fat newspaper and no mail.
15:45Okay, Ma, what is it?
15:47I don't know.
15:49Well, I guess I'm just a little worried about you.
15:52Mom, are you afraid that I'm going to try to kill myself again?
15:56Yes.
15:58Mom, no way.
16:00I'm not going to try that again.
16:02I'm going to be around a long, long time.
16:05Okay.
16:07It's just a little hard for me now, Mom.
16:11I know.
16:13I have to start all over again.
16:16You know, sometimes the nice thing about having someone
16:19is that you don't have to go through
16:21those hard beginnings with someone else.
16:23You have to meet people, date,
16:26find someone and hope you like them.
16:28Then if you do, hope they like you.
16:30Then if you make it that far,
16:32where you both like each other,
16:34you have to worry about
16:36whether they'll like each other,
16:38or when you drop the good behavior
16:40and you can be yourself.
16:42Then once you make it through that,
16:44where you're both yourselves
16:46and you're both like each other,
16:48you're up against worrying about
16:50whether they'll leave.
16:52But once you're convinced that they won't leave
16:54and you won't leave,
16:56and you're very happy together
16:58and everything is finally wonderful,
17:00what happens is they usually die.
17:02Did you come here to cheer me up?
17:04What I'm saying is things end.
17:07So things have to begin.
17:09There are no shortcuts.
17:11You either go through those beginnings
17:13or you wind up alone.
17:15I know. I'm just taking a time out, that's all.
17:17Hey, I'm not going to stay in here forever.
17:19Good.
17:23I mean, with all this reading I'm doing,
17:25it would be a shame not to use it to impress somebody.
17:27I love you.
17:29I love you too.
17:34Well, I don't understand.
17:36What is this bail?
17:38Why can't you get it?
17:40The bail is $150,000, Jessica.
17:42That's an enormous amount of money.
17:44I'll get it,
17:46but it may take me more than one day.
17:48You mean you have to give them $150,000
17:50to get Corinne back?
17:52That's right.
17:54Are they crazy?
17:56You have to buy back your own daughter?
17:58That's not quite what bail is, Mother.
18:00I mean they could take my daughter
18:01every week and charge for it.
18:03They'd have one terrific little business
18:05going for themselves.
18:09All right, what's going on?
18:11Will somebody please tell me what's going on?
18:13Nothing's going on, Billy.
18:15Boo!
18:18I beg your pardon?
18:20I said boo!
18:26Corinne's been arrested and nothing's going on?
18:28Oh, we're going to get her back.
18:29Daddy's going to buy her back.
18:31You know, I'm a member of this family, too.
18:33I may be short.
18:35I may not shave yet,
18:37but I do live in this house.
18:39Well, of course you live in this house.
18:41Your bedroom's right upstairs.
18:43The second door on the left.
18:45All my life,
18:47every time I walk into a room,
18:49people stop talking.
18:51Years ago, everyone used to spell in front of me.
18:53Then once I could spell, they'd talk in Pig Latin.
18:55After that, it was French.
18:57And then they didn't understand each other.
18:59I mean, you know what that's like?
19:01In school, the teacher says
19:03I have trouble in comprehension.
19:05Of course I have trouble in comprehension.
19:07I live in a silent movie.
19:09We tell you things, Billy.
19:11We just do it the way
19:13Juan Valdez picks out his coffee beans.
19:15Right.
19:21He just gives us the good beans.
19:25He never lets us see the bad beans.
19:28We just don't give you any bad beans.
19:31Like Corinne being in jail?
19:33Right.
19:35That would be a bad bean.
19:37Corinne getting married, on the other hand,
19:39would be a good bean.
19:41Corinne having a baby would be a good bean.
19:43Right.
19:46Unless, of course,
19:48you weren't married in the first place,
19:50in which case that would be a very bad bean.
19:54Wonderful.
19:55So when my sister goes to jail,
19:57I have to read about it in the paper.
19:59You know, I do read.
20:01Oh, it's in the paper?
20:03And with her picture.
20:05Oh, my, that's an awful picture.
20:07Look, that's her high school graduation picture.
20:09She looks chubby like Daddy.
20:12She has a beautiful smile, though,
20:14doesn't she?
20:16Look at her dimples.
20:18Corinne didn't murder anyone.
20:20I know that.
20:22She calls me into her room to kill a bug.
20:23Corinne's arrest was a mistake, Billy.
20:25I heard everyone's a suspect.
20:27I heard that you're a suspect.
20:29I heard Mom's a suspect.
20:31Why are you all suspects?
20:33Well, we're not exactly suspects.
20:35What Daddy means is that they're
20:37sort of second-string suspects.
20:39Why don't you tell the kid the truth?
20:41He's going to hear about it anyway.
20:43Benson.
20:45Better he hears it from you
20:47than from Walter Cronkite.
20:49Benson, I think I'm capable
20:51of raising my own child.
20:53He's been doing a wonderful job so far.
20:58Just a minute.
21:00Benson is right.
21:02If he is going to know,
21:04he should know from us.
21:06But what is there to know, Jessica?
21:08There is nothing for him to know.
21:10He wants to know why we are suspects.
21:12There is something for him to know.
21:14We can't tell him that.
21:16He's too young.
21:19Billy, come sit down next to Mommy.
21:21Come on.
21:23Now, you remember what I told you
21:25about the good and the bad beans?
21:27Well, what you're about to hear
21:29is going to sound like some very bad beans.
21:32In fact,
21:34if Ron Valdez had beans like these,
21:36that man would shoot his donkey
21:38and burn the mountain.
21:47You talking to me?
21:54Well, I'm the only one here, wise guy.
21:58You are talking to me, aren't you?
22:00Don't.
22:02I'm talking to you.
22:04And what are you going to say?
22:07Hi there.
22:09I was just practicing.
22:11You can never be too prepared in this business.
22:13Gotta keep the old reflexes well oiled,
22:15if you know what I mean.
22:17Would you mind not waving that thing around?
22:19Oh, don't worry.
22:21I'm in total control.
22:24What can I do for you?
22:26I want to see Corinne Tate.
22:28I'm sorry.
22:30She's not having any visitors.
22:32My dear man,
22:34I am not a visitor.
22:36A visitor.
22:41You sound funny.
22:43You must be one of them there foreigners, huh?
22:45I am Ingrid Svensson,
22:47and I am Corinne's mother.
22:50What?
22:51Here is the proof.
22:53Yes, look at that.
23:21Is this Corinne's mother?
23:23Or is this some kind of traditional Swedish prank?
23:26These questions and many others
23:28will be answered on next week's episode of
23:30Soap.
23:35In last week's episode of Soap,
23:37a surprised Corinne
23:39was booked for the murder of Peter Campbell.
23:41But this is nothing
23:43compared to the surprise in store for her
23:45when she finds out that a Swedish lady,
23:47Ingrid Svensson,
23:49has come from Ecuador
23:51for a surprise visit
23:53and has shown a surprised Chief Tinkler
23:55proof that she is Corinne's real mother.
23:58Surprised?
24:00You won't be after this week's episode of
24:02Soap.
24:08This is the story of two sisters,
24:10Jessica Tate
24:12and Mary Campbell.
24:15These are the Tates.
24:18And these are the Campbells.
24:22And this is
24:24Soap.
24:52Oh, my.
24:54Oh, baby.
24:56Baby, the bail will be here any minute.
24:58Oh, good.
25:00I cannot believe these accommodations.
25:03Well, I mean, Chester,
25:05no wonder people are always trying
25:07to break out of places like this.
25:10Chester, look at that.
25:13Would you look at that?
25:15I see it, Jessica.
25:17It's a toilet.
25:18I know what it is.
25:20It's right in the middle of the room.
25:22How do they expect anybody to use that?
25:24Jessica,
25:26if you're serving a 10-year sentence,
25:28eventually you have to.
25:31Look at this.
25:33You poor child
25:35shut up in this cell
25:37without any sunshine,
25:39hundreds of feet below the earth,
25:41the chains of prisoners
25:43clanking in the night,
25:45the musty smell of the wet stove,
25:46the sound of scampering rats
25:48across the floor at night.
25:50Jessica,
25:52Corinne is in a Connecticut jail.
25:54She's not the prisoner of Zender.
25:56Corinne,
25:58I have a surprise for you.
26:00Bail?
26:02No, better.
26:04Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.
26:06Oh, my God.
26:09Who is this?
26:11Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.
26:13Who is this?
26:14Who are you?
26:16Who am I?
26:18Yes, who are you?
26:20Ha!
26:22Who is this?
26:2423 years.
26:26For 23 years,
26:28I've been in Ecuador,
26:30and for 23 years,
26:32I've hated you.
26:34Jessica, who is this person?
26:36Look at her.
26:38Look at what you've done.
26:40It wasn't bad enough
26:42you took her away from me,
26:44and now you want her to stop
26:46to be in Yale.
26:48Oh, my God, it's her.
26:50Right!
26:52Thought you'd never see me again,
26:54did you?
26:56Ha!
26:58Mother, who is this woman?
27:00Darling,
27:02I am your mother.
27:05Oh.
27:08Sheriff, get her out of here.
27:10She's nuts.
27:12She's got documents,
27:14and she says she's my mother.
27:16She's not my mother.
27:18This is my mother.
27:20Mother?
27:22Mother, for God's sake,
27:24tell me who this is.
27:26Uh, Corinne,
27:28this is Ingrid Svensson.
27:30Ingrid, this is Corinne.
27:32Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.
27:34She says she's my mother.
27:36Yes, she did say that, didn't she?
27:38Who is she?
27:40She is your mother.
27:42Who's my mother?
27:44That's she.
27:47Ingrid's my mother?
27:49Yes, it's a long story, Corinne.
27:51Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.
28:00Why didn't you tell me?
28:03You never told me.
28:05How could you not tell me?
28:07Well, we thought you'd never know.
28:10I want you to go now.
28:11Corinne, we were trying to protect you.
28:13I said go.
28:15Corinne, I love you.
28:18She wants you to go.
28:20Does she have to spit at you?
28:24Corinne,
28:26if you had been our own child,
28:28we couldn't have loved you anymore.
28:30Sheriff, get him out of here.
28:32Okay, it's time.
28:34Let's go.
28:36Come on, come on, come on, let's go.
28:38Let's go, let's go.
28:40My little girl.
28:44Don't worry, we'll get you out of here.
28:47I've hired a detective,
28:49and we'll get you out of here.
28:51And then we'll get a place together
28:54and get to know each other all over again.
28:57Now,
28:59let mother look at how pretty you are.
29:03So, now tell mother,
29:06what have you been doing
29:07the last 23 years?
29:16I said quiet, Bob.
29:18You be quiet, I'm happy for a change.
29:23Bob,
29:25what in the world is that?
29:27Peter's bathtub.
29:29I got the rest outside.
29:31Boy, I heard of souvenirs,
29:33but that's ridiculous.
29:35Sheriff, what are you doing
29:37in this tub?
29:39In this tub is the answer.
29:41I know it, it's here, it's here.
29:43The murder left his trace right in there.
29:45Or out there with one of the other pieces.
29:47I thought you said Corinne did it.
29:50Not necessarily.
29:52Hey, everybody.
29:54Hey, listen,
29:56there's this huge chunk of bathtub
29:58laying out in the path.
30:00Somebody could kill themselves on it.
30:02Yeah, somebody already did.
30:04Danny, where's your disguise?
30:05Oh, I, uh, I don't think
30:07I'm gonna need it anymore.
30:09I found somebody who's gonna help me out.
30:11Oh, too bad.
30:15Mrs. Campbell?
30:17Yes?
30:19I am Heinrich Himmel,
30:21a private investigator
30:23hired by Corinne Tate's mother.
30:25May I come in?
30:27Yes.
30:29I think you should know
30:31that there is a broken bathtub
30:33on your lawn and it looks disgusting.
30:35Shut up!
30:38I didn't know Jessica
30:40had hired a private detective.
30:42She didn't.
30:44But you said that.
30:46I said Corinne Tate's mother,
30:48Ingrid Svensson.
30:50Ingrid Svensson?
30:52Ingrid Svensson.
30:54Ingrid Svensson.
30:56Quiet!
30:58Enough, this is Ingrid Svensson.
31:00Now, Mrs. Campbell,
31:02I have questions and you will give answers.
31:03No long, boring stories
31:05that you Americans seem so
31:07bent on telling?
31:09Who is this Ingrid Svensson?
31:11What did I say?
31:13What did you just hear me say?
31:17I'll tell you later.
31:19Tell them now or they'll never shut up
31:21if you don't tell them now.
31:23But quick, a quick, short story.
31:25No details.
31:27Understand, no details, much now.
31:29Sit, sit, sit.
31:31Well, Jessica and I
31:33had a brother, Randolph.
31:35You never told me you had a brother.
31:37Shut up, she's telling you now.
31:39Well, Randolph was kind of peculiar.
31:41Detail!
31:43What?
31:45Sat is a detail, peculiar is a detail.
31:48Well, Randolph took a liking
31:50to Ingrid, our Swedish maid.
31:52See, Ingrid didn't speak any English
31:54so she didn't know Randolph was peculiar.
31:56Details!
31:58Those are details.
32:00You are peculiar.
32:02You are all peculiar.
32:04Wait.
32:06Ingrid got pregnant and had Corinne.
32:08Now, Mother wanted the baby
32:10so she very cleverly offered to babysit
32:12and then she sent Ingrid and Randolph
32:14to Ecuador and...
32:16Details, more details.
32:18She told the authorities
32:20that Ingrid was an illegal alien
32:22and that Randolph was seeking
32:24to overthrow the government
32:26so they had to stay in Ecuador
32:28and Mother gave Jessica the baby
32:30and that's it, finished.
32:32I don't want to hear another word
32:34about this idiotic business.
32:36Now, Mr. Campbell, I understand
32:38that recently you consulted a psychiatrist.
32:40Did you consult him
32:42because of your propensity to violence?
32:44That's none of your business.
32:46You are wrong, Mr. Campbell, dumb cop.
32:48It is very much my business.
32:50Now, if you don't tell me why you saw him
32:52I will have to assume it was for help
32:54in controlling your violent tendencies.
32:57Well, it was not, you see.
32:58It was because I...
33:02Okay, violence.
33:06Impotence.
33:08Really?
33:10Yeah.
33:12No kidding?
33:14No, it's the truth.
33:16I love it.
33:18So classically American, huh?
33:21A problem we never have in Germany.
33:23No impotence, no smog.
33:25No Jews.
33:26No...
33:30Impotence?
33:32Being a robust guy like you?
33:35No, no, but...
33:38I just wish I had a camera
33:40for that one, Mr. Campbell.
33:42I could put you in jail
33:44and throw away the key.
33:46Now then, Mrs. Campbell,
33:48how much did you resent, hate
33:50and despise Peter Campbell?
33:52What?
33:54Just answer, please, the question.
33:56It's nobody's business.
33:58I didn't hate him.
34:00I never hated him.
34:02Okay, fine.
34:04We have here denial, then.
34:06Denial of the painful truth.
34:08Now, Jodie...
34:10That's not true.
34:12I said, Jodie!
34:14Are you Jodie?
34:16Do you look like Jodie?
34:18Do you talk like Jodie?
34:20Sometimes they dress alike.
34:23Pleased to put the toy away.
34:24Who is he talking to?
34:26Now, Jodie, in your case
34:28it was obviously a transference.
34:30A homosexual in love
34:32with an athlete
34:34who spurned him,
34:36thus turning to rage
34:38and then murder.
34:40We have precedence
34:42for this type of homosexual behaviour.
34:44Not in Germany, of course.
34:46We have no homosexuals in Germany.
34:48They are in Austria.
34:52Or Switzerland.
34:54They are in Switzerland.
34:59Now, Danny,
35:01this is an easy one.
35:03You work in a violent society.
35:05You would think nothing of killing Peter.
35:08No.
35:10And you...
35:12We know you always hated your brother.
35:14I did not.
35:16Because you got jealous of him.
35:18Oh, go back to Argentina, Adolf.
35:21He was an athlete and you, Chuck,
35:22you're a klutz.
35:24He had many women.
35:26You, you got yourself a hunk of bark.
35:29Now, listen!
35:37You killed him
35:39because he reminded you
35:41of what you were
35:43and what you aren't,
35:45of what you could never be.
35:47Hey, who do you think...
35:49Shut up!
35:52But when I hear another word from you...
35:57This stupidity has wasted my time.
36:03I will file my report.
36:05You will all stay in town.
36:07I hope I never again have to see any of you
36:09as long as I live.
36:16Nice warm guy.
36:18I like him.
36:23So, it's all my fault, Mary.
36:25All of it.
36:27Peter's death, Corinne's arrest, Ingrid's arrival.
36:29It's all my fault.
36:31Jessica, don't be silly.
36:33None of that has anything to do with you.
36:35No?
36:37Wherever I am, Mary,
36:39there's death and destruction.
36:41It's always been that way.
36:43Jessica, that's not true.
36:45You remember Mr. Rollo
36:47and what happened to him?
36:49Mr. Rollo?
36:50Yes, you remember.
36:52The clown that used to entertain
36:54at all of our birthday parties
36:56when we were little?
36:58Mr. Rollo.
37:00Oh, Jessica,
37:02do you remember Mr. Rollo?
37:04Oh, Mary, obviously I do.
37:06I just brought him up.
37:08I loved Mr. Rollo.
37:10And you remember how at my birthday party
37:12you just keeled over
37:14and dropped dead on the spot?
37:17Now, if I am not the kiss of death, Mary,
37:18I don't know who is.
37:20Jessie, he was a sick man.
37:22At my birthday party,
37:24right in the middle of his rabbit trick,
37:26he just turned blue
37:28and sunk to the floor dead as a doornail.
37:30The man had high blood pressure.
37:32He weighed nearly 300 pounds.
37:34If that wasn't enough, he's dying.
37:36I mean, when he dropped dead,
37:38he fell on the rabbit and killed him.
37:41He did?
37:43Of course.
37:45Don't you remember, Mary,
37:46when they were trying to revive him?
37:48Oh, you could see with those two little white ears
37:50sticking out from under his stomach.
37:53Mr. Rollo and a rabbit die
37:55at my birthday party.
37:58Mary, I am the kiss of death.
38:01Mary,
38:03I think a car just backfired in your basement.
38:06No, it's Burt.
38:08Well, if that is Burt, Mary,
38:10I think you're probably a widow.
38:12Those were shots.
38:13No.
38:15He's just doing some ballistics tests.
38:17He's trying to find the murderer.
38:19Well, Mary,
38:21if the murderer ever was in your basement,
38:23I feel sure he would have left by now.
38:26Burt's acting
38:28a little strange lately.
38:30Oh, Mary,
38:32Burt's always been slightly strange.
38:34No, no, it's more than that.
38:36He's acting kind of
38:38crazy.
38:40Oh, I don't know.
38:41Crazy?
38:43Oh, I don't think you have anything
38:45to worry about, Mary.
38:47I mean, we both know Burt's always been a little strange.
38:49That's what makes him so adorable.
38:51I mean, he's just this sweet man
38:53with a slightly jumpy personality,
38:55but I mean, he's not crazy.
39:00Hi, Mary.
39:02Hello, darling.
39:04Hi, Jess.
39:06Hi, Burt.
39:11Burt!
39:13What?
39:15What are you doing?
39:17Nothing.
39:19Burt!
39:21You just pulled a hair out of my head.
39:23No, I didn't.
39:30I'm not finished.
39:32Is that your spoon?
39:34Yes.
39:37Perhaps he'd like some tea.
39:38What are you doing?
39:40Nothing.
39:42Burt, you pulled a hair out of my head,
39:44and I just saw you pull one out of Jessica's head.
39:46More than one, I'm afraid.
39:48What do you see?
39:50I'm just conducting a test, Mary,
39:52conducting a test.
39:54You see, I found a hair in Peter's bathtub.
39:56A hair
39:58in his tub.
40:00Well, of course.
40:02Of course it's a bathtub.
40:04There are always hairs in the bathtub.
40:06Isn't your problem?
40:08Oh, it just clogs up the drain,
40:10and then the plumber has to come and remove it.
40:12Have you ever seen what they remove, Burt?
40:14Oh, it's so disgusting.
40:16I mean,
40:18it's no wonder they charge so much.
40:20I'd charge a fortune, too,
40:22if I had to look at hairy hunks of gloop all day.
40:24Yes, gloop.
40:26I love it.
40:28Yes, gloop.
40:33Well, it just might be a hairy hunk of gloop
40:36that hangs one evening
40:38in Peter's tub.
40:55Chester,
40:57I just realized something very important.
40:59What, Jessica?
41:03You want me to get that?
41:09Would you mind?
41:17What did you realize, Jessica?
41:19Ten years ago, this could never have happened.
41:22What?
41:24Peter was a tennis teacher.
41:26Yes.
41:28Well, ten years ago, nobody played tennis.
41:30The recent popularity of tennis
41:32has ruined our lives.
41:34Always comes at mealtimes.
41:36The guy's a raccoon.
41:39I'm sorry to bother you.
41:41Tinkler, what do you want?
41:43Well, first, I'd like to introduce
41:45Investigator Rick Himmel.
41:47Not Rick, you fool.
41:49Heinrich! Heinrich!
41:51Are you a foreigner?
41:54He's German.
41:56Charming.
42:03Good work, copper.
42:05Capturing them isn't easy.
42:06Carry on.
42:12Tinkler, do you want something
42:14or is this a Lufthansa tour?
42:20Well, I, uh,
42:22would like to look through the house.
42:24What?
42:26I've had enough, Tinkler.
42:28I've had enough of you.
42:30This is my house.
42:32Get out of here once and for all
42:34before I call the police.
42:37I am the police.
42:39As difficult as that is to believe.
42:41I have a search warrant.
42:43And while I'm looking through your house,
42:45Rick here has some questions he wants to ask.
42:47Heinrich!
42:49Heinrich, you fool!
42:51Now, you are Eunice, I presume?
42:53Mm-hmm.
42:55You like to fool people, don't you?
42:57What do you mean?
42:59Oh, pretending to be cold
43:01so that you don't go out.
43:03Well, we both know that you're involved with, um...
43:04Please.
43:06Fortunately for you,
43:08you are a fooler,
43:10not a murderer.
43:12Do you find it difficult
43:14talking with a German accent?
43:16Because it seems like it would be exhausting
43:18when you pronounce words so hard.
43:20I mean, sometimes you even spit
43:22a little when you talk.
43:24Up, up!
43:26They can put matches under my nails.
43:28I'll never talk.
43:30So never talk!
43:32I don't care about your talking.
43:34Talk!
43:36I won't.
43:38Good.
43:40Don't.
43:42I won't.
43:44I swear,
43:46I don't know how you people won the war.
43:50Never saw such a nation of utter fools.
43:53Except in Italy.
43:57But they, of course,
43:59can cook.
44:01You people, you can't even do that.
44:02Yeah, there you did it.
44:04When you said that, you spit a little.
44:06You did.
44:08I felt it on my cheek.
44:12And you?
44:14Oh, you are my favorite.
44:17Boy, oh boy,
44:19I gotta hand it to you.
44:21You are something.
44:23Boy, are you a busy guy.
44:26With that pigeon,
44:28and since that secretary,
44:30I admire you.
44:32If you committed the murder,
44:34you should get away with it.
44:37Thank you.
44:40You,
44:42you are the black servant, Benson.
44:44No, I am Japanese house boar, Moto.
44:53You could have killed Peter.
44:57Because you were jealous.
45:00He was white.
45:02You were black.
45:04He had women.
45:06You, three of them.
45:08You, you've got an apron,
45:10maybe a decent time step.
45:13Now let me tell you something,
45:15you little Nazi shrimp.
45:18Now you can talk to them
45:20any way you want to,
45:22but now you're talking to me, Benson,
45:24and I personally have had it
45:26with your shouting and bullying and spitting.
45:28Nobody here killed anyone.
45:30Not yet.
45:32Not yet.
45:34Not yet.
45:40Sorry about that, folks.
45:42There'll be no dessert tonight.
45:45Well, folks,
45:47got some good news and some bad news.
45:53Is that strawberry shortcake?
45:55Yeah.
45:57Oh, boy, do I love strawberry shortcake.
45:59Take care of...
46:00Oh, yeah, well,
46:02the charges against Corrine have been dropped.
46:04That's the good news.
46:06Oh, Chester, isn't it wonderful?
46:08Now for the bad news.
46:10Couldn't we just forget about that?
46:12On my little search through your house,
46:14I found the gun that shot Peter Campbell.
46:17I found the knife that stabbed Peter Campbell.
46:20And I found the brick
46:22that hit Peter Campbell.
46:25Now the gun was found in your drawer,
46:27the knife was found in your jewelry box,
46:28and the brick was found in your rose garden.
46:30Mrs. Tate,
46:32you are under arrest
46:34for the murder of Peter Campbell.
46:44Will Corrine ever forgive
46:46Jessica and Chester
46:48for not telling her she was adopted?
46:50Will the court accept
46:52Burt's findings as evidence?
46:54Or will the judge rule it hearsay?
46:56Did Jessica kill Peter Campbell
46:58or does she merely collect murder weapons?
47:00Will the Tates do without dessert?
47:02Or will they eat Heinrich's pants?
47:04These questions and many others
47:06will be answered
47:08on next week's episode of
47:10Sewed.