Soap Season 2 Episode 3
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00:00In last week's episode of Soap, Carol told Jodi she's pregnant and he's the father,
00:06presenting Jodi with a problem that won't disappear.
00:09Because Elaine's father cut her off, her inheritance disappeared.
00:12So Elaine and Danny had to move in with Bert and Mary, who wish she'd disappear.
00:16Tim and Corinne are going to be married, and Tim's mother wishes Corinne would disappear.
00:20Chester and Dutch disappeared from prison and had the police looking for them.
00:24Benson, Billy, Eunice and Corinne disappeared from the dining room and had Jessica looking
00:28for them.
00:29And then Jessica disappeared.
00:31Confused?
00:32You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
00:39This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:46These are the Tates.
00:48And these are the Campbells.
00:51And this is Soap.
00:54All right, Mrs. Tate, you scream for help and I'll blow your head off.
01:22Do as he says, Jess.
01:24Chester?
01:25Is that you, Chester?
01:26Oh, darling, darling, you did escape.
01:30That's right.
01:31And we're hiding out here.
01:32Now, all of you, just go about doing whatever it is you do.
01:34And remember, one word of this and somebody gets killed.
01:38Don't be silly.
01:39You don't have to hide down here.
01:41We have a perfectly lovely guest room upstairs with a private bath.
01:45Jess, we've escaped.
01:47We have to hide.
01:48Okay, everybody get up.
01:51Now, all of you, just go about your lives as if nothing was going on.
01:54Fine, I'll go get dessert.
01:56You hold it right there.
01:58Okay, now, everybody, you're all to live perfectly normal lives.
02:02Sure, a normal life with a gun up my nose?
02:05Don't be rude.
02:06After all, Butch is our guest.
02:08I'm Dutch.
02:09Dutch!
02:10Hold it right there, Buster.
02:15No, you fool.
02:16This man is Dutch.
02:17The Dutch are on our side.
02:21I'm very sorry, Captain.
02:26Get over there.
02:29Okay, now, remember, one word.
02:32One word from anybody and he dies.
02:35Anything in particular we'd have to say?
02:48It's a great meal, darling.
02:50It's just a wonderful dinner.
02:51Here.
02:54The stuffing's the pits.
02:55I'll kill her.
02:56I swear, I'll kill her.
02:57No, no, no, no.
02:59So we didn't know that Elaine doesn't like stuffing.
03:02She's probably allergic to it and I don't know how to react to it.
03:05Elaine, please.
03:12Have a nice day today, darling.
03:16Darling.
03:18Nice day.
03:20It was okay.
03:21Come on, Elaine.
03:22My mother worked hard on this meal.
03:24I'd rather starve to death.
03:26Why don't you?
03:27You could stand to lose a few pounds.
03:29Don't go on me.
03:30She didn't mean it, Elaine.
03:31She didn't mean it.
03:32I meant it.
03:35Take it easy.
03:37How was work today, darling?
03:39Oh, it's the usual.
03:42Let's go out for dinner.
03:43Elaine, the way you've been spending dough, I can't afford it.
03:46You can't afford it?
03:47You can't afford anything?
03:49That's because you've got the brain of a flea.
03:52Okay.
03:59She's a girl.
04:00Easy, fella.
04:04So, how do you two guys like working together?
04:07Oh, it's terrific.
04:08Right?
04:09Sure.
04:10One's got a flea brain, the invisible man's got none at all.
04:15Easy, easy.
04:17Darling.
04:19She's a girl.
04:28You through with that?
04:35Why don't we just have some dessert?
04:39It's your favorite, Danny.
04:40Chocolate cream pie.
04:42Oh, God.
04:43I hope there's a stomach pump handy.
04:47Take it easy, boys.
04:49We're adults.
04:51For the time being, the four of us are sharing this house together.
04:54We have to learn to live together.
04:56We have to have respect for each other.
04:58We're adults.
04:59Sit down.
05:03You really need that.
05:04Why don't you just apply it directly to your hips?
05:12It's not for me, dear.
05:13It's for you.
05:19It's for you.
05:41What are you doing here?
05:43I don't know.
05:44You came all the way up those stairs and you don't know why?
05:46Maybe I came up here because I like to look at you.
05:48To look at me?
05:49Yeah, you're pretty.
05:50No, I'm not pretty.
05:51Sure you are.
05:52No, I'm not.
05:54Hey, you're very pretty.
05:55Listen, you.
05:57If you came up here intending to rape me, let me tell you right now it's not going to be any fun at all because I'll spit in your face.
06:03I'll scratch your eyes out.
06:04I'll kill you before I let you.
06:05Yeah, what?
06:07I happen to be a killer, not a rapist.
06:09Oh, I love it.
06:11A killer looks down on a rapist.
06:13And if I was a rapist, let me tell you something, I wouldn't rape you.
06:17But I'm not a rapist.
06:18Oh, and how come you wouldn't rape me?
06:21Because I'm not pretty.
06:23No, you are pretty.
06:24You're very pretty.
06:25Why would you think that you're not pretty?
06:27Because when I was a little girl, I was fat and I had buck teeth.
06:30I looked like a blowfish.
06:32And it doesn't matter what anyone says or how I look or what I do, I still feel like a fat little funny-looking seven-year-old girl.
06:39That's not a bit funny.
06:41No, but that's how I feel.
06:43Like a fat little seven-year-old girl?
06:45No, like a puny little skinny little nine-year-old.
06:49See, when I was a kid, I had all these terrible allergies.
06:52I had asthma and hay fever and hives.
06:53You name it, I was allergic to it.
06:55I spent my whole childhood just trying to get a breath.
06:57And I was real sickly looking too.
06:59The kids used to call me Worm and beat me up.
07:01Oh.
07:03When I was 11, I changed my name to Dutch.
07:05They still call me Worm.
07:06They make me so mad.
07:08And so you became a killer.
07:10What, are you crazy?
07:11I was 11.
07:12Oh, yeah.
07:14Worm, can you imagine that, being called Worm?
07:16Well, listen, they used to call me Butterball.
07:19They called you Butterball?
07:21Everyone except Corinne.
07:23She used to call me Lardo.
07:27Butterball.
07:29I think that's kind of cute.
07:31That is not a bit cute.
07:33How you doing, Butterball?
07:35Knock it off, Worm.
07:37I can't believe I'm sitting here laughing with a killer.
07:40You can't believe I'm sitting here laughing with a rich girl.
07:44Well, you're really very nice.
07:46So are you.
07:48And you're very pretty.
07:50No.
07:52It's too bad I'm not a rapist.
07:58Oh, Bert.
08:00I know.
08:02I know.
08:04I know.
08:06Oh, Bert.
08:07I know, Mary.
08:08I know.
08:09Three meals a day.
08:10I know.
08:11That's 21 meals a week.
08:12I know, Mary.
08:13I wonder how many meals a year that is.
08:151,092.
08:19Chuck!
08:22Chuck!
08:24Bob, I have a date.
08:26Now, go back to bed and don't wait up, okay?
08:28I'm going with you.
08:29You're not going.
08:30Yes, I am.
08:31Look, Bob.
08:32Wait a minute, Bob.
08:33Now, look.
08:34You've been through this.
08:35Come on, Bob.
08:36Now, look.
08:37If you had the date, I wouldn't go with you.
08:39I mean, I just want to be alone with her.
08:41You'll be alone.
08:42I won't say a word.
08:43I just want to see the movie.
08:45Gee, I got all dressed up and everything.
08:47Chuck, Chuck, go.
08:48I can babysit.
08:50Hey, thanks, Dad.
08:51Yeah, okay, fine, fine.
08:52Don't take me with you tonight.
08:54Yeah, yeah.
08:55And I don't go with you to the audition tomorrow.
08:57Come on, Bob.
08:58I mean, that could be a big break for us.
09:00No!
09:01You want to be alone.
09:03Well, you can be alone there, too.
09:05We'll just see how your career takes off.
09:12Okay, okay, okay.
09:13You can come.
09:14Yeah, yeah.
09:15But this time, keep your hands off her.
09:21Bert, do you think Chuck might need some professional help?
09:28No, no, no, no, no.
09:30I just think he's got to discipline Bob more.
09:35Oh, my God, they're back.
09:37Oh, Jody!
09:38How you doing, Bob?
09:39Fine.
09:40Great.
09:41Hiya, Ma.
09:42Hello, honey.
09:43How are you?
09:44Fine.
09:45Terrific.
09:46Never felt better in my life.
09:47You know, I felt so good I had to drive up and say hello.
09:49You got a problem?
09:50Boy, do I have a problem.
09:52Well, um, will you two guys talk?
09:54No, Bert, it's okay.
09:55You can stay.
09:56But please, no cracks, huh?
09:58I mean, this is serious.
10:00Oh.
10:05What is it?
10:06Carol's pregnant, and I'm the father.
10:08Mm-hmm.
10:12Bert.
10:18I knew he wasn't a pansy.
10:19Oh, come on.
10:21Bert, this doesn't mean I'm not gay.
10:24Jody, please, what it means is you're good at it.
10:27But the first time she's pregnant,
10:28But the first time, she's pregnant.
10:29It's beginner's luck.
10:31How about this man?
10:32Look at him here.
10:33Mary made a girl pregnant.
10:35Well, I must say it wasn't something I expected from you.
10:39From Danny, yes.
10:40But you...
10:42Yeah, I know, but I don't know what to do about it.
10:44Now, you just do it a few more times, she'll be hopeless like pretzels.
10:53This is serious.
10:55Bert, Carol is pregnant.
10:57I'm in love with Dennis.
11:00This is not the perfect match.
11:02I mean, what do I do?
11:05I don't know what to tell you.
11:08I mean, when you were six and you came home from day camp
11:10because Perry Miller was splashing you, I could say splash back.
11:14How about this?
11:16How can I tell you how to spend the rest of your life?
11:21I have no frame of reference for this.
11:23I know, there are not a lot of books written on the subject.
11:25Who would want to read them?
11:28I'm gonna get some coffee.
11:31Oh, Jody, I'm sorry.
11:32I don't mean to let you down.
11:33I love you.
11:34I wish I had an answer.
11:36It's okay, Ma, really, it's okay.
11:38And your answers aren't so hot anyway, lady.
11:41If you remember, when I splashed Perry Miller, he broke my nose.
11:47He did.
11:48He did.
11:56Hi.
11:57Hi.
11:59Were you sitting there watching me?
12:01Yeah, I guess.
12:03Oh, I look terrible.
12:04I look so awful in the morning.
12:06No, you don't.
12:08You look pretty.
12:08No, I don't.
12:09Sure, you do.
12:10You look real pretty.
12:12You got real pink cheeks.
12:14Your eyes are real sparkly.
12:15You look very pretty.
12:17Your breath just smells a little.
12:24That's just because I hadn't brushed my teeth.
12:26No, listen, I'm sorry about last night.
12:28I'm really sorry.
12:31You're sorry?
12:32Yeah, I shouldn't have.
12:33I really shouldn't have.
12:34I mean, I got no business being with a girl like you.
12:36You're used to a whole different class of guy.
12:39It was the best ever with you.
12:42Well, that's because you probably haven't been with a guy before
12:44that hasn't seen a woman in two years.
12:47Where are you going?
12:48Back to the basement.
12:49Oh, don't go.
12:51What do you want with me?
12:53I like you.
12:54Come on.
12:55I do.
12:56You like me?
12:58Get out of here.
12:59I do.
13:01Well, if you like me, I guess I can't be all bad.
13:03You're not bad.
13:05Will I see you tonight?
13:07I don't think so.
13:08Why?
13:09Eunice, I'm wanted in 10 states.
13:1110 states.
13:12I ain't got no future.
13:14And if I ain't got no future,
13:15I don't want you to start being special to me.
13:20Am I special to you?
13:23Am I?
13:26Go brush your teeth.
13:31Well, Mary, tell me.
13:32What is it?
13:33I mean, you sounded positively frantic over the phone.
13:35You won't believe it.
13:36You will absolutely not believe what is going on in my life.
13:39This is big.
13:41Big?
13:42Oh, Mary, you don't know what big is.
13:43Because, of course, you don't know what's going on in my life.
13:47What?
13:48That Corinne is marrying a priest.
13:49Corinne?
13:51That is nothing.
13:53Well, what is it?
13:54No, Mary.
13:55You tell me yours first.
13:56Because after I tell you mine, you will not be able to talk.
14:01Okay.
14:02But put your cup down first.
14:03Otherwise, you will spill your tea.
14:07Jodie is going to be a father.
14:13Oh.
14:20Dennis is pregnant?
14:28No, Carol.
14:31Oh.
14:32Because if it was Dennis, you're right.
14:34That's big.
14:38He got a girl pregnant.
14:40My gay son is going to be a father.
14:44That's your news?
14:47You don't think that's big news?
14:49No, that's news.
14:50I think that's news.
14:52Not big news, but news.
14:56Not big news?
14:58Not compared to mine.
15:00Oh, really?
15:01Get ready, Mary.
15:02I'm ready. I'm ready.
15:05Mary, what do you think that I have in my basement?
15:11A thing.
15:12Your big news is about a thing?
15:14No, Mary.
15:16Not a thing.
15:18Well, what is it?
15:21Two killers.
15:26Jessica, what are you talking about?
15:29Two killers?
15:30Two killers, Mary.
15:31I mean, I have two killers in my basement.
15:35Who are they?
15:38Well, Chester is one of them.
15:40But Dutch is the other one.
15:42You mean they came here?
15:43Yes, Mary. They're hiding out.
15:44And Dutch said if we went for help, he'd kill us.
15:48You're kidding.
15:50Jessica, that's awful.
15:51You see, I told you, mine's bigger.
15:54Well, I don't know if it's bigger, Jessica.
15:57It's awful.
15:59But I don't know if it's bigger.
16:02Two killers, Mary?
16:04I mean, I think two killers is bigger than a gay guy and one pregnant girl.
16:10Yeah, I guess it's bigger.
16:12Although yours is big.
16:13Of course it's big.
16:15Just not bigger.
16:19I would have had you if it had been Dennis.
16:31Ma, it's not your fault.
16:34Oh, Corinne, I am sorry.
16:36I mean, I wanted to give you a wonderful wedding and now your very own father can't even be here.
16:42Ma, it's all right.
16:44I wonder, do you think it's too late to have the reception down in the basement?
16:48Oh, Corinne, it's so hard to know what to do when there's an escaped prisoner in the family.
16:53Sorry.
16:55Ma, all I want is to marry Tim.
17:00And it's finally going to come true.
17:03I'm happy, Ma.
17:04And if you gave me the most elaborate, the fanciest wedding in the whole world,
17:08it couldn't make me any happier.
17:09Oh, I love you, Corinne.
17:13I love you.
17:14I love you, too, Ma.
17:15I know.
17:19I'll wave to you.
17:20Okay.
17:24Well, you're about ready.
17:28How does it feel to break your word?
17:30What?
17:30Don't you remember?
17:32You told me when you were nine years old that you'd never get married, not in a million years.
17:37Did I really say that?
17:38Yeah.
17:39It was all on account of a fight you'd had with Tommy Gibbs.
17:42You and he had made some lemonade and when the fight started, he ran home and you gave me his share.
17:48But what I remember most about it was we sat on the porch and drank lemonade
17:53and you called me your best friend.
17:56Oh, Benson, you are.
17:59You really are.
18:03Oh, my gosh.
18:06Who is that?
18:08That's Mrs. Flotsky.
18:09That's Tim's mother.
18:10We never thought she'd come to the wedding.
18:11Mrs. Wonderful.
18:12Tim would be so happy.
18:20Father Tim, what are you doing here?
18:22I'm getting married.
18:23Didn't you know, Father?
18:24You mean a priest can marry now?
18:29No, Father.
18:29I'm no longer a priest.
18:31Oh, I thought it seemed too good to be true.
18:37So...
18:59And now, if the father of the bride will please take his place with the other guests.
19:07Oh, will the best friend of the bride please take his place with the other guests, yes.
19:18Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God
19:21to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
19:24If any person can show just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together,
19:29let him now declare it or forever hold his peace.
19:34And now, if the...
19:35Just cause!
19:36I'll give you just cause!
19:37What right does that bimbo have to take my son's life and turn it into garbage?
19:41Oh, you could have been a bishop at least by now.
19:43It wasn't a tram.
19:45Or maybe even a cardinal.
19:47Oh, there should be laws against you.
19:48You're a terrible, terrible person.
19:50Yes, you are.
19:54There being no just cause,
19:58let us proceed.
20:01Tim, do you take Corinne, here present,
20:05to be your lawful wife according to the right of the holy church of God?
20:09I do, father.
20:19Will Danny and Elaine ever have a relationship that works?
20:22Will Chuck ever have a relationship with Bob around?
20:25What will be left of Bert and Mary's relationship,
20:27living with Danny and Elaine and Chuck and Bob?
20:30What kind of a relationship could Eunice and Dutch ever have?
20:33Will Tim's relationship with his mother destroy his relationship with Corinne?
20:36What kind of relationship can Chester and Jessica have,
20:39with Chester living in the basement and Jessica living upstairs?
20:42These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
20:51Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.