Jack and Stan are amongst bus crew staff who have been attacked by drunken yobs and,when Blakey advertises a self-defence class,teaching martial arts,the pair decide to join - chiefly because two attractive conductresses are also in the class. Inevitably the two men get thrown around by the women and discover that Blakey is no slouch either.
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00:00On the buses, self-defence, production number 0278,
00:11date recorded 29th of 5th, 69, part one, take one.
00:15Take it.
00:45Take it.
01:15Well, you want me to wait here all night, do you?
01:39You were due back at 10.37.
01:40I've got an home to go to, you know.
01:42Listen, mate, don't you start.
01:44Blimey, I've had a bellyful, mate, I'm not joking.
01:46Every Saturday night it's the same, hasn't it?
01:48Football, crowd and pub nights.
01:50Yes, yes, we know all about your moaning, butler.
01:52We all have to put up with these Saturday night lads, you know.
01:55What are you talking about, you have to put up with what?
01:57You stay here safe while we battle our way back home again.
02:00Another thing, we don't need any more of these posters on these buses late at night.
02:04You see, it's that bikini bit that gets the hooligans going.
02:07But what do they want to do the likes of that for, for God's sake?
02:09They wanted to see what was underneath, didn't they?
02:12Well, why didn't you get out and stop them then?
02:14I did. That's when I copped this lot.
02:19Well, they tried to find out what you had on underneath today.
02:23Tried to defrock you.
02:26You're in a very exposed position when you're getting out of that cab, mate.
02:29Very vulnerable.
02:32Yes, we'll put in a claim for it then.
02:37Hey.
02:38What?
02:39Where's your windscreen wiper gone?
02:40They nicked it.
02:42Good God in heaven.
02:44Whatever did they intend to do with that?
02:46Well, look at me pocket and I'll give you three guesses.
02:50Oh, I'll have to make out a report about this now, won't I?
02:57What's up with you then?
02:58Oh, blimey.
02:59What a journey.
03:00That's the worst yet.
03:03Oh, you stuffed all the tickets up there, Robert Dorsett.
03:06What's all that then?
03:07Oh, I didn't stuff them up there.
03:09One of the passengers did it when I had the nerve to ask for his fare.
03:13It's a good job me ticket machine was fastened round me neck
03:15or he'd have stuffed that up there as well.
03:18You should have given a good punch on the nose, mate.
03:20I couldn't because he was sharpening his razor on me strap.
03:25I'm not kidding.
03:26It was a bloody awful night.
03:27Look what they wrote on the bus.
03:31Queen's Park Rangers are a lot of...
03:36Lot of what?
03:37The other words on the back of the bus.
03:42That's absolutely disgusting.
03:45I'd better get that washed off before the clippers see it.
03:47You're too late, mate. Here they come. Look.
03:50I'm sorry about that, love.
03:52It's just written there by some ignorant lout.
03:54Yeah, you're right, mate.
03:55And they don't even know how to spell it.
03:59Couple of little bits here and there still.
04:01Oi, oi, oi.
04:02Come back, you two.
04:03What?
04:04I've got to make out a report about this.
04:05Yeah.
04:06Better get that washed off right away.
04:07Don't worry about washing that off, mate.
04:09I tell you, he wouldn't have washed that off.
04:12What's that?
04:13It's only a hand, isn't it?
04:14Yeah, you haven't seen what's attached to it.
04:16Go on then, Sam.
04:26It's a naked woman.
04:27You've got an amazing memory.
04:30Open them doors, quick.
04:33I like that jacket.
04:35I wish we could fold our woman up like that and put them away.
04:39Well, this is absolutely disgusting.
04:41There must have been a violent knot you had on here.
04:42You must be joking, mate.
04:43I tell you what, we need protection.
04:45This is quite rude.
04:46We're not taking any more busses out after nine o'clock on a Saturday night, are we, Jack?
04:49No.
04:50You've been briefed what to do.
04:51The slightest sign of trouble,
04:52go to the nearest telephone box and get the police.
04:55I didn't have to, mate.
04:56They got it for me.
05:00Here.
05:02I'm afraid you'll have to stay and make out a full report with me.
05:05Oh, blimey, that'll take hours.
05:07I'm supposed to pick up the fish and chips.
05:08They're waiting for them at home.
05:09That's all right, mate.
05:10That's your pigeon.
05:12Anyway, you had trouble on the bus, right?
05:14Yeah.
05:15What you needed was a show of authority on that bus, mate.
05:18You needed me on that bus.
05:20Oh, blimey.
05:21I must say one thing.
05:22We might get a load of scum on a Saturday night,
05:24but we never get any inspectors.
05:27Oh, here he is at last.
05:29About time too.
05:30I'm famished.
05:36Oh, Stan.
05:37You're an hour late.
05:38Are you all right, love?
05:39Yeah, of course I am.
05:40Well, where the devil have you been, then?
05:41We've been worried to death, haven't we, Arthur?
05:43Not particularly.
05:44I've got to go.
05:45I've got to go.
05:46I've got to go.
05:47I've got to go.
05:48I've got to go.
05:49I've got to go.
05:50I've got to go.
05:51I've got to go.
05:52I've got to go.
05:53I've got to go.
05:54I've got to go.
05:55You're a little late, love, there.
05:56Not particularly.
05:58Stan, where are the fish and chips?
05:59I couldn't get them.
06:00I was too late.
06:01You?
06:02Why?
06:03Because I had a punch-up with some hooligans, that's why.
06:04There you are.
06:05I told you something had happened when you didn't come in with the supper.
06:07We were worried to death.
06:08Yeah, didn't know whether to phone the police
06:10or open a tin of corned beef.
06:13Thank you very much.
06:14They were a load of hooligans.
06:15A rough mob, I'm telling you.
06:17Oh, don't give me that.
06:18You've been delayed through mucking around with them clippies again.
06:22Clippies?
06:23Look at this, mate.
06:24Scratches boy, I'll tell you something
06:42They're all torn his trousers at the back. Yeah, well, I'll tell you something they should put real men on those last buses
06:49I mean, there's only one way to deal with a mob mate and that is to face them
06:53I did! Judging by the tear in your trousers we can all tell which way you were facing
06:58No, you want an umbrella love
07:00You can do a lot of danger with an umbrella
07:03Very good for defending yourself. Yeah, mum always used to make me carry one so as I could defend my honour
07:13Did she ever use it? Only when it rained
07:18Well, I'll tell you something, something's got to be done
07:20Do you know what mum? One bloke got hold of my head and he bashed it up against the bus
07:23Well I can tell you something mate, he certainly wouldn't have done that to me. He couldn't, you've got nothing here to grumble about
07:31I'm here to tell you that going thin on top is a sign of male virility
07:36Not always
07:38Yeah, well you do need certain other requirements
07:41Well, I think it's dreadful. My stand might have been hurt. Thanks mum, you were right. Well, they've got to do something
07:47Yeah, they can't live on your sick pay
07:51Is there a lot of hooligans?
07:53Yeah, well there's a lot of violence about nowadays my friend. Well if you ask me, it's the pill that's causing it
07:59What a lot of rot you two talk. Blimey mum, that's daft
08:03Well now, if it wasn't for the pill, half these lights I'd be at home changing nappies
08:13Well, I still think your bus company should do something about it. What, about the pill?
08:19I mean, we can't have this every Saturday night, never knowing whether or not we're gonna get our fish and chips
08:24Don't you worry Arthur, the union's taking it up. They're doing something about it mate, I'm telling you
08:29That's a joke, your union can't even protect you from the government. Well, if they don't, we'll all come out on unofficial strike
08:34Oh Stan, you can't do that. Why? Well, Barbara Castle might come along and take our furniture away
08:41What a charming family, aren't I? Well, I expect something to be done about it. Well, I'm sorry loves, it's corned beef and cocoa
08:48Go on love, have the tin. Oh, let's forget the corned beef, let's just have some cocoa. No food?
08:53Oh Arthur, I shall need something to put me to sleep
08:59Well, perhaps you're right. Better open the corned beef for me
09:09On second thought, check out the team mate. Hello darlings, I see you've kept us a couple of seats, eh?
09:14How's it going in love, all right? Oh, do you know yet? Still got two weeks training before they pass us out
09:19I'll tell you what, one night out with us and you'll get your diploma in art, bear
09:22Yeah, mind you, you could lose your good conduct medal. Oh, no, I won't mate, I'll keep it under lock and key
09:27How about us four going out tonight then, eh? Oh, well, I don't know. We'll have to think it over. Come on Joyce, let's get some flags
09:36Blimey mate, I reckon we're flogging the den horse here, Jack. Don't be ridiculous, that blonde bitch's crazy about me. Only she doesn't know it yet, that's all
09:43Get out of the way
09:45Pay attention now. Official notice here from the office. Hang on, the Führer talks
09:51Oi, Blakey, what have the management done about this hooliganism thing on the Saturday night, you know?
09:56It's all up there on the notice, mate
09:58The management, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that in view of the attacks on the private person of the busman, they're going to be trained to defend themselves
10:05Yeah, let's have a look at that. Yeah, what do you say Jack?
10:07Here, listen to this, fellas. All those wishing to avail themselves of a series of lessons in Judo and Karate should sign below. These will be given by a qualified expert
10:17Who's that?
10:18That's me
10:20You?
10:26It just so happens, mate, I've made a deep study of the subject. I train men in the army in unarmed combat
10:32Well, it would leave me out, mate, because I don't believe in violence
10:35Since when?
10:36Since last Saturday night when that lout kicked me up the gearbox
10:41My motto is make love, not war
10:44Well, I tell you, it won't get me rolled in a bat on a hard floor, break me neck
10:48That's all right, mate. We're going to have a nice soft mattress down here, that's all right
10:51You won't get none of the ladies to sign that, you know. That's a typical managerial trick, isn't it?
10:55Here he is. Let's have a cup of tea, Jack. Come on
10:58Here's a cup of tea. A cup of tea like that
11:05Hey, those two birds are signing it
11:07Yeah, well, I think I'll shove me moniker down and all
11:10I wouldn't mind rolling a bat on a mattress with them two
11:15Ain't rolling a bat in a Boston crab
11:17No
11:28Yeah
11:53Well, come on, then, it's our last five
11:56Where's the fighting inspector, the wizard of self-defence? He's late.
12:00Yeah, probably got done up on his way here.
12:02Yeah. Well, give us a bit more time to chat up the birds, eh?
12:04Yeah, all right.
12:06Ah, look, it's got to be thirsty work, all this self-defence lot,
12:09so what about coming out for a drink after this?
12:11Well, I mean, we don't know much about you two, do we?
12:14Oh, come off it. Stan's the best folk on the buses, ain't ya?
12:17Yeah.
12:17He always stops when requested.
12:19Just stick your hand up.
12:22The only trouble is I can't see in the dark.
12:26Well, what about it, then?
12:27Well, we'll think about it.
12:28Yeah.
12:29Oh, look, here comes the inspector.
12:31Oh, back time, too.
12:32Get off that man.
12:33Aye?
12:34Get off that man, come on.
12:35All right, all right.
12:37Get off.
12:42You all gather round now, we'll make the quick start.
12:47Oh, God.
12:52That blimey's got his pyjamas on.
12:55Come on, all get round here.
12:57Nice big semi-circle round here, please.
13:00Sorry, lad, sit down there, please.
13:01No, I'll get out of the way.
13:02All down on your hunkers.
13:04Nice and comfortable.
13:06A fair treat, you know.
13:08Now, then, the quickest way of teaching self-defence
13:12is a method of karate known as Atomite.
13:15What's that?
13:16That's Japanese, mate.
13:17Yeah, I reckon it's showing off now.
13:20What's it mean and how do you know?
13:22Well, I did tell you I made a deep study of this subject, mate.
13:25Where do you think I got that black belt from?
13:27You cut the suspenders off, didn't you?
13:30No, it's not those, I've had the thief.
13:33Now, then, now I've brought along a chart here
13:36to show you the more sensitive parts of the human body.
13:40Right?
13:41I've got copies of it over there on the table.
13:43You can all take one of them when you go
13:45and study them at your own convenience.
13:47Yeah, just a minute, is that a man or a woman?
13:51Now, what possible difference can that make?
13:54Oh, blimey, you've led a sheltered life, haven't you?
13:59Now, pay attention.
14:01Now, I want you to imagine
14:03that this is one of them ignorant louts coming at you on the late bus.
14:06Oh, and they're starved.
14:07I mean, if he walked about like that,
14:08he'd be had up for indecent exposure.
14:11Not that one, wouldn't he? He's got nothing to expose.
14:14The basic theory of karate
14:16is that you apply the maximum pressure
14:18to any one of these sensitive points, right?
14:21The atomic.
14:22And you do this with the edge of your hand,
14:24known as the shuto,
14:26otherwise known as the chop, right?
14:28Ato! Ato! Ato! Ato!
14:33It's no use at all going like this or like this, right?
14:36Not unless you're swatting flies.
14:39All get up and form a circle round the edge of the mat, will you?
14:42We're going to have a little demonstration now.
14:46Butler, you come over here, mate.
14:48Who, me? What for?
14:49You're going to be the demonstration.
14:51Right then.
14:52Now, what I'm going to do is,
14:53I'm going to try and make a chop with my shuto
14:57at your atomi.
14:58I'm going to try and find it, right?
14:59Not if I find yours first.
15:03I'm going to give you a light chop now
15:05on your carteroid artery.
15:07That's number five on the chart over there, right?
15:09Right, right, right.
15:10Ato!
15:14You see, I was holding myself back then,
15:17otherwise I might very easily kill my opponent.
15:20Unless, of course,
15:21unless, of course, the temptation proves too much.
15:27Right, now then.
15:29You have a try, right?
15:30Yeah.
15:31Now, imagine,
15:32imagine I'm one of them great big ignorant louts coming at you.
15:34Well, that's easy for a start.
15:37Ready?
15:38Make a chop at my atomi.
15:39Here or there, right?
15:40Sensory spot.
15:41Right, right.
15:47Right, mate, that hurts.
15:49That's because you're doing it all wrong, mate.
15:51Mate?
15:52Yeah. Can anyone tell me what he's doing wrong?
15:53No.
15:54He's giving himself away with his eyes, mate.
15:56I can tell what you're going to do by your eyes.
15:57Yeah.
15:58And if they're bloodshot, he's done it.
16:01Now, shut up, Jack.
16:03Just a minute.
16:04What do you mean by me giving myself away with my eyes, Gordon?
16:06Well, your eyes are looking straight at the place you're going to strike at every time.
16:09Ah.
16:10Can we have another go, then?
16:11All right.
16:12Right. You ready, then?
16:13Right.
16:24That hurt. That hurt, didn't it?
16:26No, that was cheating, mate.
16:29He was looking in two places at the same time.
16:32That's a little trick I've picked up snogging in the park.
16:36Yes, well, there's various other methods of self-defence, but I'll get to them presently.
16:42Now, in the meantime, I'd like to see what some of you others would do if you were attacked.
16:46Oi, oi, where are you off to, then?
16:48Blimey, do I have to put my hand up, mate?
16:50I've drunk a lot of tea waiting for you, you know.
16:54Yes, well, we can't all wait till he comes back, can we?
16:57Now, in the meantime, I'd like to see what some of you young ladies would do if you were attacked.
17:00Would anyone like to volunteer out of you lot?
17:04Oh, thank you very much, miss. Very kind of you.
17:06Any fella like the Tummin', yes?
17:08Yeah, I'll force myself, yes.
17:10Get out of it. Go on, I'll do it first.
17:12That's the right one.
17:13Yeah.
17:14Now, what I want you to do, miss, is try and seek out for one of his sensitive points, right?
17:17Yeah, well, that shouldn't be too difficult.
17:21Have a go at it with your chute, then.
17:22Yeah, all right.
17:23Right.
17:24Time!
17:27Hey, I wasn't ready.
17:28Time!
17:30Come on!
17:36That was absolutely lovely.
17:38I couldn't have done better than that myself.
17:40Yeah, that's not fair.
17:41She's a karate expert.
17:43I've never done karate in me life, but I did do five years of judo.
17:47Only five years? Blimey, you were a quick learner.
17:51That's not ugly much.
17:52Now, fellas, I've done a lot better now. What's going on, then?
17:54What's happening?
17:55Well, this young lady here has been very kindly showing us what she'd do if she was attacked.
17:59Oh, yeah?
18:00I don't suppose you'd like to come and try and attack her, would you?
18:05Me?
18:06Yeah.
18:09Go on, stand up.
18:10Now, look, love, look, I don't want to hurt you, OK?
18:12Oh, no, it's all right, it's all right.
18:14If I do, you start yelling. I'll soon bag it in, right?
18:16I'll play the white man.
18:17Right.
18:18Now, what I want you to do is make a grab for her, right?
18:20I'm going to enjoy this.
18:23I think we're all going to enjoy this.
18:26Are you ready? I'm going to grab for you, love. I'll tell you when I'm coming.
18:28Here we go. Right.
18:29Oh, blimey!
18:31Now, now, this is a Japanese stranglehold.
18:34Now, it's very potent.
18:36Apart from the choking effect, it could very easily break his opponent's neck with this.
18:40Now, miss, if he tried to hit or strike you in any way,
18:43a sharp quickening of the pressure is sufficient to stop him.
18:46Oh, God!
18:47Permanently.
18:49Oh, blimey.
18:50Oh, dear, oh, dear.
18:51Oh, dear.
18:52Oh, dear.
18:54That was a My Gary kick.
18:56My Gary Kiagri.
18:58A sweeping ankle.
19:00Very nicely done.
19:01Oh, dear, oh, dear.
19:05That was a head mare.
19:07A perfect head mare.
19:10Oh, I have enjoyed that.
19:12I can't tell you how much I enjoyed that.
19:14It was absolutely lovely.
19:16All right, then. We'll have a break for five minutes for tea now,
19:18and we'll come back and have another go afterward, right?
19:21All right.
19:26Oh, blimey.
19:29God, blimey, Jack. What happened there, mate?
19:31It's all right. You didn't hurt her.
19:32Oh, good.
19:35I've had enough of this, mate. I'm going out for a rest.
19:37I don't know about you.
19:39You coming?
19:40No, I still reckon we've got a chance with those birds.
19:42You must be out of your mind, mate. We never take liberties with them.
19:45No, but with a bit of luck, they might take liberties with us.
19:48Oh, blimey. I haven't even got the strength for that, mate.
19:50Oh, where's my shoe?
19:51Over there.
19:52Right. Here.
19:54Don't forget your chart.
19:55What chart?
19:56Oh, that chart, yeah.
19:57I'll see you later on, then, Jack.
20:02It's back here, Mum. Look.
20:04Oh, I say.
20:05Oh, you have got a nasty bump there, love.
20:08Oh, I'll put a cold compress on that.
20:10It's all right. I wouldn't bother about it.
20:11No, I will. I'll put it on. It'll be better for you.
20:13Oh, what did you do?
20:15Is it hurting?
20:16No, the cold water's run all down my back.
20:18Oh, I'm sorry, love.
20:20Evening, all. Evening, Mum.
20:22Um, what's up with you?
20:24You haven't had Rob with the eyes on your bus again?
20:26No, he's been having a lesson in self-defeat.
20:29Self-defeat?
20:31You'd have been better off with the hooligans, though.
20:33They only tore your trousers.
20:34Nah, we had a lesson in karate.
20:37Our inspector's a bit of an expert at it.
20:39Look, Arthur, Stan brought home a chart on karate.
20:42Did you know I had 18 sensitive points on my body?
20:47God, so I've ever noticed.
20:49Hello, all marked there.
20:51A tem I put. What a load of codswallop.
20:54That's not codswallop, mate.
20:56If you study that chart properly, blimey, you could kill people.
20:58Yes, they made it easy.
21:00Like painting by numbers.
21:02Oh, see, if something out comes of you,
21:04give him a good punch up his number four.
21:06And if that don't work, you slash him in his number seven.
21:09And if that don't work, you knee him up his number nine.
21:12Then you have legs 11, shout full house and bingo.
21:18I really ought to study this chart.
21:20What nerve for?
21:21Well, you never know, Arthur, it might come in useful some nights.
21:23Aye.
21:25Well, I could defend myself if a man jumped out of the bushes at me on a dark night.
21:29Had to be a pretty dark night.
21:32That's not a very nice thing to say.
21:34Stan, stick up for your sister.
21:36Wouldn't have to be a dark night, would it?
21:38Not necessary.
21:40The foggy one would do.
21:43No, I was only joking, love.
21:45Does this really work?
21:47No, it's a load of twaddle.
21:48It's not twaddle.
21:50I'll show you, Ollie.
21:51It's like what that bloke 007 done, you know, in the James Bond pictures, you know.
21:55Now, you put your thumb in there like that because it makes it tougher, is it, there?
21:58See, that's called a shoot-o.
22:00You see, now you go...
22:01Huzzah!
22:03Come on, man.
22:04It's not like that, is it, Mumsy?
22:05No, no, that's what you're supposed to do.
22:07Now, these are your vital spots here, see.
22:09Now, don't look at me like that, Arthur.
22:11You're always scoffing at me.
22:12Come out here, love.
22:13Now, I'll show you what it is.
22:14Now, these are my two sensitive spots here, you see.
22:17Now, you attack me there, see.
22:18Now, be careful.
22:19She might hurt you.
22:20No, no, no.
22:21The inspector taught me to parry all blows on how to stop everything.
22:23Right, away you go.
22:24Go on.
22:26Now, see what I mean?
22:27Yes.
22:29See what I mean?
22:30Yes.
22:32Now, she...
22:34She...
22:35Look, she always loses her temper.
22:42It'll be over, it'll be over, it'll be over, it'll be over.
22:44He's done right, isn't he?
22:46He does work.
22:55Oh.
22:56Oh, hello, Arthur.
22:57Come for Stan.
22:58Is he in his bed, isn't he?
22:59No, I've fixed up a date for him.
23:02We're on to a good thing.
23:03A couple of little ravers.
23:04Huh?
23:05Come in, darlings.
23:07Now, this is Stan's brother-in-law, Arthur, Joyce, Liz.
23:10Hello.
23:11Hello.
23:12How do you do?
23:13They're very nice, aren't they?
23:14Yeah.
23:16Well, I think you'll find Stan in the kitchen.
23:17Yeah, all right.
23:18It shall be a minute, darlings.
23:19I'll have a look after you.
23:22Do you live round here, do you?
23:27Hello, Jack, mate.
23:28What are you doing sitting there with your feet up having a kick?
23:30Come on.
23:31I've got the birds lined up.
23:32Come on, Stan.
23:33Ow!
23:34Get off!
23:35Use your loaf, mate, will you?
23:37Look, look.
23:38What have you done to yourself?
23:39Practising that judo.
23:40I fell awkwardly.
23:41I twisted my ankle and I dislocated my shoulder.
23:44How is that all?
23:45Now, come on.
23:46I've got the birds lined up.
23:47Joyce and Liz, they're outside.
23:49Come on.
23:50Where are they?
23:51Go.
23:52You mean you've got them in the hall now?
23:53Yeah.
23:54I've got to have a go at that, haven't I?
23:55I've got to try.
23:56Come on.
23:57Ow!
23:59Here you go.
24:00That's it.
24:03Oh, God almighty.
24:04No.
24:05I can't do it.
24:06I can't do it.
24:07Oh, come on.
24:08Make the effort.
24:09Think of the birds.
24:10Look, with me ankle like that and me shoulder like this,
24:12the rest of me's no good anyway.
24:15That's that, then.
24:16I'll just have to try and find some other bloke who's got the evening free.
24:20Oh.
24:21Well, er...
24:22Since you mention it, I wonder if, er...
24:25Arthur!
24:26You must come and help me get the washing in.
24:28Me chill blades are playing me on.
24:30Oh, shut up.
24:31What was that you were saying, Arthur?
24:34Nothing.
24:35I was, er...
24:36just having a dream.
24:38Come in, sunshine.
24:40Oh, well, better get going.
24:41I'll tell you all about it in the morning.
24:43Oh, I think I'll take the chart,
24:44just in case she's forgotten where me sensitive points are.
24:48Oh!
24:55APPLAUSE
25:25Thank you.