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00:00At Hale Grange Health Spa, ex-Olympic gymnast Bubbles Devere is off to have her breakfast.
00:07Oh, good morning.
00:08Darling, I'm just going for breakfast. Please service my room. Quickly. Chop, chop. Hurry up. So quickly. Thank you, darling.
00:16You sticking to your diet, Mrs. Devere?
00:18Oh, yes, Penella. I'm just having special care this morning.
00:23Hello, girls. Hello, dear darling. Don't forget I'm having a fondue facial at twelve.
00:28Hello, Mrs. Papadopoulos. How was your anal bleaching?
00:32I'll have a look later, darling.
00:36I don't believe it.
00:40Hello, Bubbles. I didn't know you were staying here.
00:43I haven't seen you since the divorce.
00:46Well, I thought it was better if we didn't communicate for a while.
00:49Are you here with her?
00:51If you mean Desiree, then yes.
00:54Oh, goody. So I'm finally going to meet the woman who destroyed our marriage.
00:59Is she as beautiful as they say?
01:02I think so, yes. Darling?
01:10To see you, I don't believe you met my ex-wife, Bubbles.
01:13Hello, baby. So nice to meet you.
01:17Don't forget, sugar, we have our honeymoon massage at ten.
01:23Nice to see you again, Bubbles.
01:29I wouldn't have that munch munch yogurt if I were you, darling.
01:33Why is that, baby?
01:35You already look like a hippo, darling.
01:39Do I, baby?
01:41Yeah, baby.
01:43Hippo like you belong in the zoo.
01:47Desiree, please.
01:49Maybe baby's right.
01:51Maybe I shouldn't have this munch munch raspberry yogurt after all.
02:03You little slut, you fat bitch!
02:05Get your hands off me!
02:07Get your hands off me!
02:09Get your hands off me!
02:11You fat bitch! Get your hands off me!
02:20Please, stop them!
02:22Yeah, let's not be too...
02:28In the words of the famous song,
02:30this is the dawning of the age of the aquarium.
02:34A cuttlefish.
02:36Hello?
02:37A cuttlefish lives in more tropical climes and feeds on planktons.
02:41Yeah, I know.
02:42Are you enjoying the aquarium, Andy?
02:44Darling!
02:47I thought you loved sea life.
02:49I thought you said that the underwater world had a sublime beauty
02:52that mankind as a species could scarcely comprehend.
02:54Yeah, I know.
02:55I thought I was going swimming, though.
02:57Oh, no, this is an aquarium. You go swimming in a swimming pool.
03:00Yeah, I know.
03:01Well, then, let's see if I can find the octopuses.
03:04Oh, excuse me, aquarium employee.
03:06Could you tell me where the octopuses are?
03:08We have a few octopi.
03:10They're just down the next corridor past the seahorses.
03:12Oh, it's octopi, is it?
03:13Yes.
03:14What did I say?
03:15Octopuses.
03:16Oh, silly me.
03:17Always getting me pussies and me pie mixed up.
03:21Yes.
03:22If you just go past there, over the next corridor to the right,
03:25and you'll get some octopi.
03:26Oh, really? Any conger eels?
03:27I'm afraid not.
03:28At the Mike McShane estate in Brews,
03:31a long-awaited visitor has finally arrived.
03:45Not long now, my sweet.
04:02Hello.
04:03Hello, Mr Dudley.
04:05No, no, you're not Ching Tong.
04:07I am Ching Tong.
04:08Ching Tong Macadonga.
04:11Wait there.
04:15Oh, so this home now.
04:17No, I said wait at the door.
04:19Look, you're not Ching Tong.
04:21I am Ching Tong.
04:23That is me.
04:26Yeah, yeah, he's got photo.
04:27I'll give you that. He's got photo.
04:28Yeah, I want my deposit back.
04:30Come sit with Ching Tong.
04:32Let us know each other before we have good time.
04:35So, I am Ching Tong.
04:37I'm from village Tiny in Taiwan.
04:39I am 19.
04:41I am beautician.
04:42Here is picture of my family.
04:44Hopefully they come live with us soon.
04:46I'm sorry, you're going to have to leave.
04:49But I won't be good wife of you.
04:51Look, I'm sure you're a very pleasant lady,
04:53and I know you've had a long journey.
04:54Much of it on foot.
04:55Much of it on foot, but I've had 80 pounds.
04:57I think somebody's sold me up the swanet.
04:59But I am love you.
05:01Well, I'm very flattered, but you're going to have to leave.
05:04You think I'm ugly, don't you?
05:07No.
05:08No one's saying you're hideous.
05:12There's obviously been some kind of administrational error.
05:15Look, you nip back to Thailand,
05:16and we'll sort it all out from there.
05:17Oh, please don't make me leave, Mr. Dudley, please.
05:19No, I said no.
05:20Mr. Dudley.
05:21No, now come on.
05:22Oh, please don't make me leave.
05:24Please, Mr. Dudley, please.
05:29Maybe just stay tonight, and we'll see what happens.
05:36After a productive morning
05:37sending buddying text messages to younger children,
05:40Vicky and her gang are returning to their estate.
05:45Who the hollyoaks omnibus is that?
05:47It's the Old Beacons gang.
05:48Who are Summoner Nuff and?
05:50They live down St. Paul's.
05:51No, but, yeah, but, no,
05:52but what are they doing on our patch of Summoner Nuff
05:54in a sort of like thing?
05:55Cos they are well going to get beaten.
05:57Call it, Vicky.
05:58They're well hard.
05:59Yeah, or if they give the Redmond sisters a barbed wash.
06:01They didn't scare me.
06:02They'd be fooled by the rocks that I got.
06:04I'm just Vicky Pollard
06:05from round the corner from the block.
06:07V to the P to the Icky to the Ollard.
06:10Oh, my God.
06:11That is well hard.
06:18Hey, you.
06:19What are you doing on our patch,
06:21you little bunch of mung and dog bitches?
06:27Give me that.
06:57LAUGHTER
07:22We had dwelled about that first.
07:27Mrs Emery is what we in Britain call an OAP,
07:30which stands for old and putrid.
07:34Hello, Mrs Emery.
07:36Oh, hello, dear.
07:37I met you at the jumble sale the other day.
07:39Oh, yeah.
07:40I hear they raised a lot of money.
07:41Oh, that's good, cos I need that new roof.
07:49Did you meet the new vicar that day?
07:51Um, yes, yes.
07:53He's very nice, isn't he?
07:55Younger vicar, but very, very nice.
07:57Lovely smile.
07:58Yes, yes, yes.
07:59Pick up anything at the sale?
08:01Um, not really.
08:03I got a lovely book on handicrafts
08:05and a very nice set of thimbles.
08:07Oh.
08:09What's this?
08:10Well, I can't stand here chatting all day.
08:12I'll see you later, dear.
08:14Mind out, someone's stealed something.
08:16Ta-da!
08:18LAUGHTER
08:24In Britain, we can proudly say
08:26we have transvestites from all walks of life.
08:29Between 1979 and 1990,
08:31even the British Prime Minister was a transvestite.
08:35Sorry, I overslept.
08:37Um, I think you may have forgotten something, my dear.
08:40Oh, really? What's that?
08:41Uh, well, uh...
08:43Oh, come with me, my dear.
08:45This is exciting.
08:47Look at this.
08:48Oh, do my earrings not go with mine?
08:50Oh, Florence, help me!
08:52I'm a lady with a beard! Help me!
08:54I can't come down, I'm a bearded lady!
08:56What happened?
08:57I forgot to shave this morning.
08:59It grows so fast, doesn't it? Here, take this.
09:01Oh, what have I to do?
09:03I don't know.
09:04Oh, there's a chemist over there.
09:06They may have something for you.
09:08Oh, please.
09:12HE CLEARS THROAT
09:16Yes, gents?
09:20My lady friend here needs to talk to you
09:23about something rather embarrassing.
09:25Yes, I have a very slight facial hair problem.
09:27Can I see?
09:30It's not very noticeable, I know, but I know it's there.
09:33It's not very ladylike, is it?
09:35No.
09:36Uh, well, uh, the razors are over there.
09:39I can't use a razor, I'm a lady!
09:41Well, some ladies who come here with your...
09:45Problem?
09:46Problem, yes.
09:47They like to use this.
09:49It bleaches the hair.
09:51I see, and this is for ladies, is it?
09:53Yes.
09:54Very well, I'll take 12 tubs.
09:58Uh, would you like to take a tub?
10:00I beg your pardon?
10:04Slight moustache problem.
10:05How dare you!
10:07You do.
10:15Are you sure you can't see it?
10:17Honestly, my dear, you wouldn't know it was there.
10:29In Buxom, Sir Norman Fry MP has called a press conference.
10:39I, uh, I have a statement I would like to read.
10:43On Tuesday night, following a late meeting at party headquarters,
10:47I decided to go for a relaxing drive through the King's Cross area.
10:52Whilst there, I saw a young Rastafarian gentleman on the side of the road.
10:57As one of my constituents, I felt it my duty to stop and offer him a lift.
11:03During the journey, I pulled over into a nearby alleyway
11:07so that I could safely reach into the glove compartment
11:10and take out a Murray Mint.
11:14At this point, I fell on top of him,
11:17and I regret to say a part of my body accidentally entered him.
11:22As far as I'm concerned, that is the end of the matter. Thank you.
11:32Carol Beer has left her job at the bank
11:35and is now delighting customers at this travel agent's
11:38in the new town of SpongeBob SquarePants.
11:42That's all but for you, Mr Ryan. One fly drive return to Toronto.
11:47Oh, thank you. I'm so looking forward to it.
11:50I haven't seen my daughter in four years.
11:55One thing I forgot to say.
11:56Is it possible for me to have a vegetarian meal on the plane?
11:59I'll just have to cancel your booking.
12:01Oh, don't do that.
12:03Right, done that.
12:06So, you want a flight to Toronto on the 14th?
12:09Yes.
12:11Computer says no.
12:14What?
12:15You had the last ticket. Someone must have taken it.
12:18I just need a flight to Toronto, but with a vegetarian meal.
12:22I can get you a vegetarian meal...
12:26on a flight to Berlin.
12:28We'll be leaving tonight.
12:31The meal isn't that important.
12:33It's a lentil bake with a rocket salad.
12:36No, I don't want that.
12:38I'll just put that on hold for you in case you change your mind.
12:41Oh, I've got a nut rissole on a flight to Beijing.
12:45That leaves in ten minutes.
12:47No!
12:49I've got a piece of marinated tofu on a flight to Vancouver.
12:53Vancouver? That could work.
12:56It's taxiing now. If you run, you might just get it.
12:59Obviously not, then.
13:01No.
13:03Can I get to Toronto the following day instead?
13:06Computer says no.
13:09You didn't even type anything in, then.
13:14Computer says no.
13:16Thank you very much.
13:19Oh, hang on, hang on.
13:21Yes?
13:27Over in the Welsh mining village of Tandowie Brevie,
13:30little fat poofer Davyth Thomas has finally found a vocation in life.
13:35Evening, Davyth.
13:36Yeah, I'm gay. Get with the programme.
13:39There's your port, Mr Jenkins.
13:41Thank you, love.
13:56Evening, Davyth.
13:57Good evening, my family.
13:58I think I'll have a Bacardi and Coke, please.
14:00Coming right up.
14:03That's a very skimpy little number you're wearing there.
14:06It's for my new job.
14:07Oh, yes?
14:08Yes, I have become a rent boy.
14:12A rent boy?
14:13That's right, my family.
14:14I've got the looks, I've got the body, I'm a young gay guy.
14:16Why shouldn't I just go for it?
14:19How's business?
14:20Slow, but tonight is the first night.
14:23Have you advertised?
14:25Yes, Mrs Jones has put a card up in the post office
14:28and the vicar has very kindly said he'll give me a mention in the parish news.
14:32Well, Davyth, if it gets you some bum fun, I'm all for it.
14:36I very much doubt I'll pick up any trade, my family.
14:38Everybody knows I am the only gay in the village.
14:41Excuse me.
14:42Are you Scott?
14:44Oh, um, yes.
14:46I leave you boys to it.
14:48No, don't go.
14:49Well, it's said in the advert you look like Dermot O'Leary.
14:53That's right, yes, in his younger days.
14:56Not quite what I expected, but I've had an odd day.
14:59So, have you got somewhere we can go?
15:01Yes, well, I thought we'd go to Mrs Evans' tea rooms and have a scone.
15:04And then I thought we'd have a wander round some of the charity shops.
15:07That's not quite what I had in mind, Scott.
15:09Who's Scott?
15:10You are.
15:11Oh, yes.
15:12How much for a good hard shack?
15:15Mummy!
15:17I'm serving Mr Jenkins.
15:19Look, I only hold hands on a first date.
15:22Bloody time-waster.
15:26I think you'd better give me another Bacardian Coke, please, my family.
15:29David Thomas, what are you like? Rent boy, indeed.
15:33Yes, I'd better go and see Mrs Jones and ask her to take that advert down.
15:36Yes, first thing tomorrow.
15:38Scott?
15:44Just over there.
15:50Oh!
15:58In Gash, Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Begrey how one of his patients is progressing.
16:03Oh, goodness, it's nearly time.
16:05This is going to prove just how far Anne's come in the past six months.
16:08It'll be wonderful for her self-confidence.
16:11It'll also tell everybody a lot about the hospital, too.
16:14But now, it's been her dream to be on this show for many years.
16:18Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Anne.
16:25Hi, Anne. Thanks for coming on the show.
16:27Lovely cardigan.
16:28Thank you.
16:29Now, tell me, do you have any funny stories that have happened to you over the years?
16:32No.
16:34OK. So, tell me a little bit about the person you're going to be.
16:38Give us your clues.
16:39She's originally from Quebec.
16:41She represented Switzerland in the Eurovision Song Contest.
16:45She sang the theme tune to Titanic.
16:47And she's got an old, fat husband with a beard.
16:50OK. So, tell us, Anne, who are you going to be tonight?
16:55Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Céline Dion.
16:58Céline Dion!
17:01Good luck. Enjoy it. Off you go.
17:05She helps out every other Wednesday at a charity shop in Hawley.
17:09But tonight, singing live, Anne is Céline Dion!
17:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:33HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
17:45HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
17:49HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
17:54HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
18:00HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
18:03She sounds quite a lot like her, doesn't she?
18:07Formerly Dudley Polytechnic, this university was opened by Sir Darren Day in 1994.
18:14Yeah, but I was just wondering if I can do my extended essay
18:17on modes of sexual discourse in the works of Jane Austen,
18:20cos I know we did study that last term.
18:22I don't know what the rules are on this. Martin will know.
18:25Oh, it's all right. I can go to his office.
18:27No, no, that's better if I phone in.
18:29Oh, OK.
18:35Martin, it's Linda. I've got Robin Dashwood in front of me.
18:39Robin wants to know if he can write his extended essay on Jane Austen.
18:43Robin? You know Robin.
18:45Lots of jazzy waistcoats, colourful glasses, always smiling.
18:49Puts you in mind of a young Elmer Fudd.
18:52Fell out of the same tree as Duncan, could you?
18:55Could be mistaken for a boiled egg.
18:58That's right. BOLD EGG!
19:03He says that's fine.
19:05Thanks very much.
19:07Oh, could you come here for a second, Robin?
19:16That's better.
19:21These people are what we in Britain fondly call fat pigs.
19:25In Sussex, Marjorie Dawes is hosting her weekly Fat Fighters group meeting.
19:30Hello, Fat Fighter. Hope you've had a good week.
19:34Now, today we're going to be talking about binge eating.
19:38Yes, I know, the spray tan went wrong.
19:40So, what kind of foods are binge foods?
19:43Foods that we binge on when we want to have a binge.
19:45Yes, Paul?
19:47Terry's chocolate orange.
19:49Comes in a big orange wrapper.
19:51It's got chocolate and...
19:53Yes, thank you, I know what it is.
19:59Chocolate.
20:01I'd be arsed to pay, but they gave me Hawaiian sunset.
20:04Anyone else?
20:06For me, it's fizzy drinks.
20:08What, like Tango?
20:15Fizzy drinks.
20:17Any more?
20:19Yes, Meera?
20:20Marmalade.
20:22Sorry, I couldn't understand the word.
20:24She said marmalade.
20:27Did she?
20:32No.
20:34Conserves.
20:36Any more? Any more serious suggestions?
20:39Satsumas.
20:41Satsumas are really a binge food.
20:43No, but it is orange.
20:58Right, finished?
21:00I'm shocked, really, that you, of all people,
21:02would pick on someone for the way they look.
21:04I mean, I may be orange, but you are something else!
21:08You're fat! Oh, man, you're fat!
21:10You're a big, fat thing! You're fatty, fatty, fatty!
21:13You remember? Come and take a seat, my love.
21:15I'll have you one moment. Where was I? Oh, yes!
21:17Fat cow! Fat cow! Fat cow!
21:24If you collect enough tokens on the back of special packets of Cocoa Pops,
21:28you too can send off and become Prime Minister.
21:36I hardly need to tell you, Prime Minister,
21:38it would be extremely damaging if this government
21:40were to be found selling arms to Iran.
21:42Robert, let me assure you, that's not what I was doing.
21:44Then where did the Sunday Times get this story from?
21:46Excuse me, Prime Minister.
21:48Look, dear, he said he didn't do it, so he didn't do it!
21:51Honestly!
21:55If you don't want a backbench rebellion on this, Prime Minister,
21:57there's already talk of a leadership challenge.
21:59Such a stirrer!
22:01Sebastian, thank you.
22:05Robert, you have my word on this.
22:07Very well.
22:09I shall see you at Prime Minister's Questions.
22:11Sebastian, would you show the Chancellor out, please?
22:21Just cos you want to be Prime Minister.
22:23I do not! You do! She does!
22:27Sebastian, would you lock the door?
22:32Come over here, please.
22:42I have something rather private that I need to show you.
22:45Yes?
22:47Something... quite sensitive.
22:52It could be potentially very explosive.
22:55Oh, Prime Minister, I want it so bad!
23:00It's this file.
23:02Oh, yes, this file! Yes!
23:04I want this file so bad, yes.
23:06What is it?
23:08It's an intelligence file that I need you to destroy for me.
23:10Oh, OK.
23:13Arms deals with Iran.
23:16But you just told the Chancellor there were no arms deals with Iran.
23:18Yes.
23:20You lied.
23:22Yes.
23:24But I thought you were perfect.
23:28I need you to shred this.
23:30But if this got out, it would...
23:32Sebastian, please.
23:34Just do this favour for me.
23:38Of course, Prime Minister.
23:46But first, Prime Minister,
23:49how about you do a favour for me?
23:55Ahem.
24:02Don't forget the bottom shelf, Prime Minister.
24:13Air shows in Britain have been taking place since medieval times,
24:17although they only really became popular with the invention of the aeroplane.
24:22Andy, where are you?
24:24Andy!
24:26Andy!
24:28Oh, excuse me, St John's Ambulance Lady.
24:30Sorry to bother you.
24:32I'm looking for my friend Andy Pipkin at his wheelchair.
24:34I can't think what's happened to him.
24:36Well, I can get them to put out a call on the tannoy.
24:39Well, I don't want to call the whole kerfuffle.
24:41Oh, no, no, it's no trouble.
24:43Well, if you wouldn't mind, I'm a bit worried
24:45and I don't want him to miss the Red Arrows.
24:47You wait here and I'll get them to put out a call.
24:49Oh, well, thank you very much, Andy.
24:51Oh, Andy, where are you?
24:53Right here.
24:55Oh, there you are.
24:57I was worried sick.
25:04Is that your parachute, or...?