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00:00Britain, Britain, Britain, what an absolutely terrific place to live.
00:08We have no crime here, and why?
00:11It's not because we hang, draw, and quarter people for parking violations or disembowel
00:15litter louts.
00:16No, it's because of the people of Britain.
00:19They are the bestest, goodliest people on God's fair earth, and it is these everyday
00:25folksters that we look at for a bit today.
00:29Let's be real.
00:33Emily and Florence are transvestites.
00:36Some people are intolerant of transvestism, but live and let live, I say.
00:41Everyone is equal and deserves the same rights, apart from Lezza's.
00:45Now let me do the talking.
00:50Oh, aren't these ladies' dresses delightful, my lady friend?
00:55Yes, Emily.
00:56This one's very you, I think.
00:58So, can I help you, ladies?
01:01Oh.
01:02Hello.
01:03Yes, I'm getting married, and I would like to purchase a dress, please.
01:07For your fiancé?
01:09No, for me.
01:11I am a lady.
01:15Oh, yes, and we require a bridesmaid's dress for my young lady friend here, Florence.
01:20Yes, I'm ever so excited.
01:22I've never been a bridesmaid before.
01:24I'm only 15, you see.
01:27What sort of dress are you looking for?
01:29A ladies' dress that ladies wear.
01:31White, of course, with frilly bits and shit.
01:36This one is very nice.
01:39Elizabeth?
01:40Yes?
01:41Have you got any of the Marie Antoinettes?
01:42What size?
01:43Um, one to fit a man.
01:47A large man.
01:49I don't think so.
01:51I'll have a look in the stockroom.
01:53OK.
01:55Oh, and any bridesmaids' outfits.
01:58For a short, fat bloke.
02:00With a moustache.
02:10Get this bloody thing on!
02:12Ladies' noises.
02:17Oh, Emily, you look simply divine.
02:20This man I'm marrying will be so pleased.
02:23How's the fit?
02:24It's perfect.
02:25I'm normally an eight, and this is a ten, so...
02:28Are you sure?
02:29Quite sure.
02:30I'll just go and pop my clothes back on.
02:37Pretty as a peach.
02:45Britain is a democracy where any citizen can become Prime Minister,
02:49as long as they've got a degree and aren't black.
02:54Today, the Prime Minister is having a very important summit
02:57with the American President.
02:59I hear what you say, but I think what you're proposing
03:02is an abuse of our friendship.
03:04Look, there are no half measures.
03:08Either you are with the United States on this,
03:10or you are against us.
03:15Well, I think we'll have to take advice from the United Nations,
03:18because I refuse to be bullied into making a snap decision.
03:24The United Nations can go to hell.
03:27If you want this special relationship with our country to continue,
03:30you're going to have to start delivering.
03:39Before you rush into anything, perhaps you'd like to see
03:41what the British intelligence has to say.
03:45And perhaps you'd like to see what the CIA has gathered.
03:54Sebastian, could you get the document for the President, please?
03:58Yes, Prime Minister. I'll get it right now, Prime Minister.
04:03Marvin, can you get the CIA files for the Prime Minister, please?
04:09Yes, sir, Mr President, sir.
04:17My Prime Minister's so much better than your President.
04:20Mr President's big and powerful and so rugged.
04:22Your Prime Minister sucks.
04:24How dare you!
04:25Get your hands off me, please, sir!
04:26Get your hands off me!
04:27Get your hands off me!
04:28Get your hands off me!
04:29You will, you will!
04:30What is going on?
04:31She said you sucked at it!
04:33What is she?
04:34She's been here two minutes now!
04:36She's the one who started it!
04:38Enough!
04:42Mr President, we have to go to the photo call.
04:47This behaviour is completely inappropriate.
04:49This is a difficult enough situation and you're making it a lot worse.
04:52Let me handle this.
04:54You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
04:58Two senior aides acting like a pair of third graders.
05:03You're an embarrassment.
05:05Mr President.
05:21Mrs De Vere has been staying at Hill Grange Health Spa for five months now.
05:25And has so far lost nearly an ounce.
05:29Mrs De Vere, I need to speak to you about this unpaid bill.
05:33Mrs De Vere.
05:36I need that.
05:38Come on, it's mine.
05:40Hello, guys.
05:42Hello, Mrs Papadopoulos.
05:44Mrs De Vere.
05:46My turn now, darling.
05:48Quickly.
05:58Mrs De Vere.
05:59Call me Bubbles.
06:00Can I have a word?
06:01Can't you see I'm having a sorority bed, darling?
06:03Mrs De Vere, I need to resolve this payment situation.
06:05You owe us nearly £20,000 now.
06:07I will discuss this with you as soon as I'm done, darling.
06:18Mrs De Vere, you've been under there for over three hours now.
06:21Yes, all right, darling.
06:34Will you excuse me for a moment, please, Mr Hutton?
06:37I'm a little bit on fire.
06:48Today, Lou is taking his friend Andy to a local pub.
07:04Do I look all right?
07:07Andy?
07:08Yeah?
07:10Now, you know I've been seeing a lot more of Anya recently
07:14since you got Ivida through.
07:16So I want you two to get to know each other, all right?
07:19Yeah, I know.
07:21Here she is.
07:26Hello, Lou.
07:27Hello, Anya.
07:28May I say you are looking lovely?
07:30There we are.
07:32Now, this is Anya, who I was telling you about.
07:36Hello.
07:38I'm Anya.
07:39Hello.
07:41Take a seat.
07:42Now, let me get everybody a drink.
07:44Anya, what would you like?
07:49A pint of bitter, please.
07:51A pint of bitter, please.
07:53Andy?
07:54I want nothing.
07:56Andy?
07:57I want nothing.
08:00Now, don't be silly. What do you want?
08:02A pint and another one.
08:05OK.
08:06One for your mouth.
08:12So, Andy...
08:14Lou tells me a lot about you.
08:18He is a very nice man, isn't he?
08:21I like him very much.
08:25Thank you.
08:41Oh, goodness! What happened?
08:44She pushed me.
08:50You evil poe.
08:53Being at university is a very harsh basket,
08:56with students having to attend anything up to one lecture a term.
09:01I'm sure I can get it finished by the end of the week.
09:04And when sits you in?
09:06Today.
09:08I'll ring Martin and see.
09:14Hello, Martin. It's Linda.
09:16Yep, I've got a student here
09:18who needs an extension on her feminist poetry essay.
09:21It's Joanna Harding.
09:23Jo Harding?
09:25Er, how can I describe her?
09:28Quite short hair.
09:30A few piercings.
09:32Wears a lot of black.
09:34Compact trousers.
09:36That's right, the big, fat lesbian.
09:41Friday will be fine.
09:44Meanwhile, in Little Bent Cock,
09:46Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Begri
09:48how one of his patients, Anne, is getting on in her new job.
09:52Of an evening when it's still light,
09:54we encourage Anne to leave the hospital and work here.
09:57Watch this.
09:59No, it's very, very quiet today.
10:01Oh, call you back later.
10:03Hello, Anne.
10:07Can I have a pair of size 9 bowling shoes, please?
10:10Thanks.
10:17No, size 9 bowling shoes, please, Anne.
10:25Thank you very much, Anne. See you later.
10:29THUD
10:37Fat Fighters is a very valuable organisation
10:39which offers help and support
10:41to those who are serious about losing weight.
10:43Like these fat bastards.
10:48Oh, no, you've put on again, haven't you?
10:51Oh, dear, it's not easy, is it?
10:54See, your problem is, Tonya, you're fat and old.
10:58It gets harder.
10:59And there's no man, is there? You're on your own.
11:01Yes, Musman left me.
11:03Yeah, well, he would have done.
11:04Yeah, younger woman, wouldn't it? 49, yeah.
11:07So you're on your own now, every night, crying and eating.
11:11Yeah.
11:12Well, at least you've got all of us here at Fat Fighters
11:14to make you feel better.
11:15Off you pop.
11:17Oh, she stinks and all.
11:19What?
11:20Pat.
11:22Pat.
11:23Pat, pat.
11:24Patsy, patsy, bum, bum.
11:2617 stone 2.
11:28Oh, no.
11:29You've gone up an old two pounds.
11:31I was doing so well.
11:33Don't matter. I like something to hold on to.
11:36Sorry, what was that?
11:37I was just making a joke.
11:39We've sort of started seeing each other.
11:41Oh!
11:45Oh!
11:47How long has this been going on?
11:49A couple of weeks.
11:50A couple of weeks?
11:51Oh!
11:53Part of the way, I suppose it does make sense two fatties together.
11:57Yeah, you do often get that fat on fat.
11:59Maybe.
12:00We shall have our first Fat Fighters wedding.
12:03Oh, in English, please, if you are going to say anything, my love.
12:06How is the mechanics of your lovemaking work?
12:08I mean, do you have to use a winch,
12:10or do you have a system of weights and pulleys, or...?
12:12What kind of questions are there?
12:14In fact, no, I don't want to know, but I will say this.
12:16When you do get two fatties together, or fat love,
12:19they often do pile it on.
12:21Do you see what I'm saying? Cos there's no incentive.
12:23Do you see what I'm saying? Cos they're both fat.
12:25Yeah, well, I think she's lovely.
12:27Yeah, that's not helping her.
12:29I've said it before, and I'll say it again.
12:31Pat is morbidly obese.
12:33She is.
12:34In fact, I've only ever seen one person fatter than Pat,
12:36and that was Barbara Popper.
12:38In a way, the kindest thing you can do is chuck her
12:40and tell her to give you a call when she's lost a few stone.
12:42Thanks, Marjorie.
12:43That's no problem, Pat.
12:44I'm only thinking of you, cos I really care about you.
12:47Because you are now really...
12:50an enormous fat pig.
12:54Phew! You're next.
13:00Over in Glendowie, Brethy,
13:02devoted homosexualist Davyth Thomas
13:04is taking part in the village fete.
13:09Hello, Davyth.
13:11Good afternoon.
13:12Ooh!
13:14How much are your poppers?
13:16This is a gay stall for gays only.
13:18My grandson's gay.
13:20Yeah, it's probably just affairs.
13:22Hello, Mrs Williams.
13:23Lovely flowers in the church last Sunday.
13:25Thank you for those.
13:26My pleasure, vicar.
13:28Oh, have you met Davyth?
13:30No, I don't think I have.
13:31Davyth Thomas, the only gay in the village.
13:34Hello, I'm Glyn, I'm the new vicar.
13:36I wonder what the church would make of my gay and lesbian stall.
13:39Well, I'm not moving, I tell you.
13:40I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it.
13:42No, no, no, I think it's wonderful that you're here.
13:44All I want to do is bring more gay people
13:46from the village into the church.
13:47Gay person.
13:49Do these butt plugs come with batteries?
13:54Oh, a girl stall.
13:55Isn't that lovely, darling?
13:57Hello, I'm the virgin.
13:59What the hell was that?
14:00Oh, we're a couple.
14:01We met at my last parish in Merthyr Tydfil.
14:03And you had to come here.
14:04I don't know why I bother.
14:06Well, I think it's a course of celebration.
14:08I mean, you're gay, we're gay.
14:09Well, I should be writing to the bishop.
14:11Well, I wouldn't bother, he's gay.
14:13Whatever happened to good old-fashioned
14:15religious homophobia?
14:16Oh, it's all changed here.
14:18Oh?
14:19Now, this would be very nice for the archdeacon.
14:21Oh, yes, have you got one in black?
14:23That's disgusting.
14:25Right, I'm off.
14:26Where are you going?
14:27Well, I can't stay here now, can I?
14:28What's the matter?
14:29I'm the only gay in this village.
14:32I've said it before, Vicar, and I say it again.
14:35What that boy needs is a nice big cock up his arse.
14:39Well, look, if you could ask, I'd really appreciate it.
14:43OK, I'll see what I can do.
14:49Martin, it's Linda.
14:51I've got a student here who needs the rest of the week off.
14:54Personal reasons.
14:56Mum's ill.
14:58Yeah, it's Kenneth Lau.
15:01Um, how can I describe him?
15:04He's got straight black hair.
15:06He's got straight black hair.
15:08Yellowish skin.
15:10Slight smell of soy sauce.
15:15That's it, the Ching Chong Chinaman.
15:18OK.
15:20He says that's fine.
15:29At this restaurant in Harlot,
15:31Harvey and Jane's parents are meeting each other for the first time.
15:35In raising a toast to Harvey and Jane.
15:38Harvey and Jane.
15:41To us.
15:43Certainly got our work cut out for September, haven't we?
15:46Yes, you want me to see if the golf club's free for the reception?
15:49Thank you, that'd be great.
15:51Still hungry.
15:52Well, have something when you get back, yes?
15:54Hungry?
15:55When our eldest daughter got married,
15:57she decided she wanted to have it in a very small village church,
16:01didn't she, Harvey?
16:02Pity.
16:03No, darling.
16:04The problem was that the church only held 100, and she wanted...
16:07Pity.
16:08Not pity now, pity later.
16:10Mum's drawn up a list of some people she'd like to invite.
16:13Yes, we've got some family in New Zealand.
16:15Pity.
16:16Darling, you've just had pudding.
16:18Pity, pity.
16:20Excuse me.
16:31You were saying?
16:35We were just saying that we can do that list.
16:40Coffee?
16:41Oh, lovely.
16:43You having coffee, son?
16:45No, thank you, Daddy, I'm fine with milk.
16:47It's hard, isn't it?
16:49All these relatives you see once a year, bloody boars,
16:53and you feel you have to invite them.
16:56Yes.
16:57Well, they never do bring enough.
16:59Oh, let me.
17:02Ooh!
17:04Sorry.
17:13Yeah.
17:21Ooh, lovely.
17:23Shall we all follow the cricket?
17:31Banks in Britain are extremely popular.
17:34In fact, there's nothing I like more than a jolly good bank.
17:44How old is he?
17:45Go on, tell the nice lady.
17:47Nearly six.
17:48Nearly...
17:50six.
17:51He's just got some money from his uncle
17:53and he wants to open his first bank account.
17:55Well, we do have a junior saver account.
17:59All right, you get a free Percy Piggy Bank.
18:03Oink, oink.
18:05Lovely.
18:06And you get entered into a prize draw
18:08to win a free trip to Euridice's name.
18:10Ooh, I think you'd like to open one of these, please, wouldn't you?
18:18Computer says no.
18:26HE COUGHS
18:30HE COUGHS
18:32It's a school day,
18:34so Vicky Pollard has taken herself off to the park.
18:46Hi, Karl.
18:48Hi, erm...
18:49OK.
18:52Maeve?
18:53Ashley?
18:54Ashley?
19:00So, er...
19:02you going down Kelly's Pike later?
19:04Might do.
19:05If you want, I'll go with you, yeah?
19:07If I go, I'll go with Bethany.
19:09Er, Vicky, why are you always trying to get off of my boyfriend?
19:12Oh, my God, I so can't believe he just said that!
19:14Just like the time I threw a heated knock here in the canal as a joke
19:17and she's like, you have well got to buy me another one
19:19and I'm like, get over it!
19:20And then Paul Rowley came over, he's adopted anyway,
19:22and started stirring it all up, started saying that I fancy Mark Benny,
19:24but, oh, my God, just because I have sex with someone doesn't mean I fancy him.
19:27But everyone needs to be current jealous of me,
19:29ever since I saw Christina Aguilera on the bus.
19:31You never saw her.
19:32I did, she got off her fish pants.
19:33You are such a liar.
19:34Anyway, stop trying to get off of my boyfriend.
19:36Er, don't be disgusted. Why would I fancy him?
19:39Er, man, he's well gay anyway.
19:41Well, Rochelle said you told her you well fancy him, did you?
19:44No, but...
19:45Yeah, but...
19:46No, but...
19:47Yeah, but no, I done actually,
19:48and Rochelle is well going to get beaten now for saying that.
19:50God, she's such a liar!
19:51What about the time she didn't go to Shanita's house
19:53cos she said her dad was really ill,
19:54and it turned out all he had was a brain haemorrhage?
19:56Anyway, God, that's really fancy,
19:57because he passed me a note during metal work,
19:59saying he wanted to take me round the back of a language lab,
20:01touch my Forrester Dean.
20:03Piss off.
20:05Don't worry, it's going anyway, you pair of total lesbian spackers!
20:09And if I see eye-view of you again, you're both dead!
20:14Can you give me a hand up, please?
20:16Thank you.
20:23I'm more confident on the waves.
20:28Jeremy Rent is an actor's agent.
20:30I haven't heard from my agent for many years,
20:33but then she is hopelessly dead.
20:36So, there's a confirmed booking for my client, Melvin Hayes,
20:40to appear as Buttons in Cinderella
20:42at the Harlequin Theatre, Redhill, this Christmas.
20:45Oh, yes, the fee.
20:47How does £200 a week sound?
20:50Well, I'm sorry, but I can't afford to pay you any more.
20:52Goodbye.
20:56Dennis Waterman here to see you.
20:58Lovely. Send him in.
21:01Hello.
21:03Hello, Den.
21:04Hot today, isn't it?
21:05Oh, yes, it's sweltering.
21:07I brought you a can of pop.
21:09Oh, that's very kind of you.
21:10Do you need a hand bringing it in?
21:12Oh, no, I'll be fine.
21:16Whoa!
21:19Whoa!
21:23Argh!
21:29Thank you very much.
21:32Oh, lovely. Thank you.
21:34Now, I've had a call from the people at Burnside.
21:37Is there a fly in here?
21:38Yes, don't worry, it won't hurt you.
21:41Oh!
21:42Oh!
21:43Oh!
21:45Just ignore it, it'll fly away.
21:49Anyway, they're making some new adverts
21:51and they want you to be captain Birdseye.
21:53So, they want me to star in it,
21:55write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?
21:57Well, no, they've already got a song.
22:00Yeah, I know it.
22:01They're bigger than most and tastier.
22:03Do-do-do-do-do.
22:05That's why I'm the captain of the fish finger.
22:07Do-do-do-do-do.
22:09They're called fish fingers,
22:11but they're not fingers of fish,
22:13Do fish actually have fins?
22:16Oh, dear.
22:19Very hot today, isn't it?
22:21Well, why don't you try this?
22:33Come in.
22:35Oh, hello, Paul.
22:36Hi. I have the form right here.
22:38I just need the head of department to sign it.
22:40OK, take a seat. I'll just see if he's in his office.
22:47Hello, Martin. It's Linda.
22:49I've... Paul Roberts here needs you to sign his grant application form.
22:54You know Paul. Everyone knows Paul.
22:57Erm...
22:58Shoulder-length brown hair.
23:01Wears all jewellery.
23:03Looks up a lot.
23:05Gets his clothes from Mothercare.
23:07That's it. The oompa-loompa.
23:12He says go straight out.
23:23It's nought o'clock and at this shop in Flem
23:26Mr Mann is looking for a video.
23:28I watched the video once.
23:30It was called Memorex E180.
23:32It was rather dull.
23:34Oh, actually, I was just about to close for lunch.
23:36Won't take long.
23:39What is it you're looking for, exactly?
23:41I would like to rent a film starring Chevy Chase and Rick Rannis
23:44as a pair of cops who have to go undercover
23:46and pose as rappers in order to foil a drug deal.
23:48Certificate 15.
23:52Oh. I don't think I know that film.
23:55Look, Margaret knows all the films. One moment.
23:58Margaret!
23:59Margaret!
24:04Margaret!
24:10Yes?
24:11There's a gentleman here who wants to know
24:13if we've got any videos starring Chevy Chase and Rick Rannis
24:16as a pair of cops who have to go undercover
24:18and pose as rappers in order to foil a drug deal.
24:20Certificate 15.
24:22Certificate 15.
24:23Oh, I don't know.
24:25Oh, she doesn't know.
24:27It actually ends up with them having to take part
24:29in a rap competition. It is very amusing.
24:32Does he know what it's called?
24:34You know what it's called?
24:35No.
24:36No!
24:37Oh.
24:38Oh.
24:39Well, I don't know what to suggest.
24:41Is he sure the film exists?
24:43Are you sure the film exists?
24:45No.
24:46No!
24:48But it is the film I would like to see tonight.
24:52Right.
24:55Well, I'm not sure it's been made,
24:57so I don't think you're going to be able to watch it tonight.
25:00It's OK, I'll wait.
25:05You'll wait?
25:07Yes, until it's been made.
25:11Well, here's an idea.
25:13How about we let you know the moment it comes in?
25:15Yes, the moment, please. I'm a very busy man.
25:23BELL RINGS
25:27BELL RINGS
25:30BELL RINGS
25:34BELL RINGS
25:36Hello?
25:38Can I call you back? I'm just in the middle of something.
25:48Today in Pox, their women's association is playing host
25:51to their local Conservative MP.
25:53I love the Conservatives, they're my favourite political party,
25:56after Labour and the Liberal Democrats.
26:00Thank you so much for coming to talk to us today.
26:02Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
26:04I know how important it is to have the support of you ladies.
26:08Can I see a bottle of wine?
26:10Oh, yes, please.
26:14Mmm! That's delicious.
26:17Did you make them yourself? Yes.
26:19You must give me the recipe.
26:21Well, actually, it's one of Ainsley Heriot's.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:31Bravo!
26:37You really must come and speak to us again.
26:41Yes.
26:44If you enjoy the smell of dung and being shouted at by farmers,
26:48why not spend a day in the countryside?
26:51Isn't the countryside lovely, Andrew?
26:54Barnard!
26:56I thought you said you loved the countryside.
26:58I thought you said that the natural world had a sublime beauty,
27:01unrivaled by anything man-made.
27:03I don't know.
27:05Now, where are we exactly?
27:08This is Barnard. I want to go home.
27:10Yeah, the trouble is, I think we're a bit lost.
27:13Let me just ask this lady.
27:15Excuse me, love, I think we're a bit lost.
27:17Do you know the way to Taplow Farm?
27:21One moment.
27:23Hello, Mr Horse. He's a good boy, isn't he?
27:25Let's have a look now. Taplow Farm, it's quite a way.
27:28Yeah, it's there on the map. I thought we were near it.
27:31No, we're the yellow line, aren't we?
27:33I thought we were coming along this way.
27:35No, no, we're coming along this way.
27:40And so we conclude our journey around Little Britain.
27:44Tonight's programme has ended a little sooner than usual
27:48because I need to do a poo now.
27:50Goodbye-bye!