Little Britain S02 E06 - Episode #2.6
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00:00Britain, Britain, Britain. I love Britain so much that every day I sacrifice a child
00:09in honour of it. So thank the Lord, who incidentally is British, for the great things he has brought
00:15to this land. Take a break, Spearmint Rhino and Finder's Crispy Pancakes, but also let
00:23us give thanks for the people of Britain. And it is them whom we'll be doing looking
00:28at today. Boogaloo! Today, Lou has arranged for Andy to go on a blind date. I went on
00:36a blind date once with a border collie. Nothing came of it, but you stay in touch.
00:40Can I have one of them chips? No. Please? No, you should have got your own. I only had
00:46enough for one. Yeah, I know. Well, it doesn't matter, because I don't want any chips now
00:51anyway. Nor do I. So, you excited about this date? Yeah. What date? The date. I set up
01:00on a date with a lady. Yeah, I know. Now, her name is Francesca, and I said we'd meet
01:06her at the steps at five sharp. She's early. Hello, Francesca, how are you? Very well,
01:13thanks. That is good. Now, this is Andy, who I was telling you about. Hello, Andy. I don't
01:19want that one. Why not? She's in a wheelchair. Yes, I know she's in a wheelchair. I don't
01:26like her. Well, it's early days. I'll leave you two alone. You don't need me here playing
01:33with our three, all right? Now, have a lovely time. Well, Andy, I've heard a lot about you.
02:02Between darkly noon, Vicky Pollard's gang are keen to get on with their day's robbing.
02:06Where is Vicky? She was so supposed to be here by now. She's got that black boyfriend
02:11now, ain't she? She's probably with him. She has well changed since she's gone with that
02:15Jermaine. Take your time, why don't you? All right, Vicky, where have you been? No, but,
02:24yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, because it's so clean up and what I don't even know
02:28nothing about, so, like, shut up and don't go giving me evil, because me got, like, me
02:31man Jermaine now, and we just been, like, around the back of the water slides making
02:34baby. So, you coming robbing down Woolies over Stater, or what? Me don't know. Me think
02:41about just hanging with me man Jermaine and be cooking up some chicken and rice and peace
02:44for him, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, because it's up to Jermaine now, because me like his
02:47bitch now, so, Jermaine, what say you? Well, I don't really know, Victoria. I'm just happy
02:51to go with the flow. Me man ask walk-on Woolies it is. It's rat's claw.
03:06Meanwhile, at this restaurant in Chave. And a rocket salad. Thank you. So, you still haven't
03:14heard from Alistair? No, I think he's gone back to that Sasha. Oh, sorry. Well, I've
03:20been wanting to introduce you to my friend Jonathan. Oh, yes. He's single. Works in the
03:27city. He's got a lovely apartment in the Docklands, actually. Oh, so he's doing well for himself?
03:31Yes, he's just bought a place in Provence. Oh, sounds wonderful. I think I've got a picture
03:36of him. Yeah, he looks lovely. Christianity is one of the most popular religions in Britain,
03:50with over 80 members. Please be seated. Now, as you know, the Reverend Hartley is on an
04:05exchange trip to Harlem in New York, so they've sent their Reverend here to take the service
04:10this week. Now, I imagine he's a little nervous, so I want you all to make him feel very welcome.
04:18His name is Reverend Jesse King. Hallelujah! I is from the ghetto. You is from the ghetto.
04:32We is all from the ghetto. But how we gonna get out of the ghetto? I tell you how we's gonna get
04:39out of the ghetto. We is gonna fight the power. Fight the power. Fight the power. What we gonna
04:48do, mama? Fight the power, perhaps? Pray to the Lord. Hallelujah! Say, praise be to Jesus.
05:01Say, praise be to the Lord. Say, howdy, howdy, hi. Say, hoody, hoody, ho. Go, go, go to the holiday
05:15rock, praise the Lord. Amen. And now it is time to call upon Lord Jesus to come amongst us today
05:24and heal the sick in the lane. Anyone here who can't walk? They can't do that. Anyone here with
05:37leprosy? A leprosy in the house. Brother, what be your sickness? Oh, I'm fine, Assist, just a slight
05:45cough. Come and join me, brother. Jesus will cure you. Excuse me while I talk in tongues for a
05:57moment. Still a bit tickly. He can walk! There is no greater shame in Britain than being fat.
06:24I had a fat son, who naturally I gave up for adoption.
06:28He's written to me several times saying he's lost weight and would like to meet up, but I'm not
06:32interested. What the hell's all this? Oh, you know me and Pat have gotten engaged. Yeah. Well, we've
06:43booked the hall to have a party afterwards. We've set him up all afternoon. Looks cheap. Okay, so
06:48let's start with the work. Hang on a minute, I don't remember getting my invitation. Oh, no,
06:53well, it was just, you know, close friends and family. Right, you're going, aren't you? Oh, yes.
06:58You? Yeah. What about you? You're going? Yes. What about you, Mary? You're going? Yes. So do it again.
07:04Yes. No, do it again. Yes. No, do it again. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Was that a yes or? I don't know.
07:14We need an interpreter, really. And all this food's for the party, is it? Yeah. What are these
07:19supposed to be? Bollivants. Bollivants? Come on, we did Bollivants last week. Am I wasting my time?
07:25They are absolute calorie hotspots. Marjorie! I'm only thinking of you, Pat. You know, you've got
07:31your wedding day coming up. I want to see you get down to a size 30. What are these? Mini
07:37chipolatas. Why don't you just stick shit through my letterbox, huh? And what the hell is this
07:44supposed to be? Oh, I made it. It's banoffee pie. Oh, I made it. It's banoffee pie. You, Tanya, are playing
07:51Russian Roulette with these people's lives here. Because if one of these fatties has a single bite
07:55of this, they could drop down Zed. Shame on you, Tanya. Boo is boo. I'm just trying to have a party, Marjorie.
08:07Yeah, you're right. What am I thinking? Let's not worry about fat fighters today.
08:13Have a lovely time, and I wish you all the best for the future.
08:26Today, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig's three-date national tour has arrived in snitch.
08:34Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome hypnotist extraordinaire, Kenny
08:39Craig. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much indeed, and welcome to the show.
08:50Look into my eyes. Look into my eyes. The eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Don't look around
08:54the eyes. Look into my eyes. You're under. In one hour's time, I will click my fingers, and you will
08:58all believe that you have witnessed a superb hypnotic comedy show that was excellent value
09:03for money, much better than Paul McKenna and that new bloke, Derren-what's-his-name, and you will
09:06tell all your friends. Hold the thought.
09:30With this afternoon's Welsh Gay Rugby League match over, local fruit Davyth Thomas is heading off to
09:35the pub. Afternoon, Davyth. Yeah, I'm gay. Get over it. There you go, Farmer Hughes. Thank you, my love.
09:47Ten Bacardi and Cokes, please, my bonnet. Oh, come in right, sir. In you come, fellows.
09:56Oh, so who are all this lot, then? Oh, they're from Bangor. All right. Yes,
10:01Llandwi Brefi played them today in the Gay Rugby League. Oh, who won? Bangor, 96-0.
10:09So what's happened to all our lot, then? Oh, no, it's just me, you see. As you know, I am the only gay in the village.
10:17It's funny you say that. I was here last week. You couldn't move for cock.
10:21Yeah, it was non-stop bum fun. No, you're quite wrong. I'd love to have played, but I never heard
10:27nothing about it. Yes, but this was a gay team for gays. Well, I've tugged the odd todger in my ties.
10:34Yes, thank you, Farmer Hughes. Excuse me, excuse me. I'm a good winger. Yes, but you're married.
10:41But I'm always cottaging. What about your wife? Oh, she don't mind. She's bicurious herself.
10:48Disgusting. So which toilets do you use, then? Oh, the one in the park, of course. Oh, yes,
10:54I thought I'd seen you through the glory hole. I think I'm a bit old now for rugby,
11:02but I'm a big fan of fisting. Is there nobody in this pub who isn't gay? Well, I indulged in
11:11mutual masturbation when I was younger, does that count? What about you, Mr Jenkins? Oh, well, since
11:16I retired, I've discovered the joys of remitting. Right, that is it. I've had it with this village.
11:26I'm leaving. Goodbye, everybody. Well, where are you going? As far away from here as possible,
11:31to a place where gay people are not welcome, where I am the only one.
11:35Where? I've got two uncles in San Francisco. I'm gonna go there.
11:52Oh. Oh, she's in the army.
11:56Oh, yeah. Three, two, one. You're back in the room. Thank you. Thank you very much indeed.
12:09Thank you. You've been a great audience. Thank you very much. Don't forget to tell your friends.
12:15Good night. She's taking bloody ages with these drinks. Oh, thank you very much.
12:22Oh, it's a shame about Jonathan. Oh, I know. He's just talked about himself the whole night.
12:27Well, there's a good friend of mine, Rupert. Have you met Rupert? Why do you think I have?
12:31Well, he's more a friend of Simon's, actually. He's just split up with his girlfriend.
12:35Oh, what's he like? Well, he's lovely. Very good looking. He's an architect.
12:41Got a picture of him, I think. Oh, yes.
12:45Looks familiar. It was at Harriet's wedding.
12:55Before you can get divorced in Britain, you need to get married.
12:59For Harvey and Jane, the big day has finally arrived.
13:03And now it is time for Jane and Harvey to make their wedding vows.
13:18Do you, Harvey Tobias Jerome Pinscher, take Jane Louise Edwards to be your lawful wedded wife?
13:28Bitty. I'm sorry? Bitty. No, it's, it's I. I know, but hungry or bitty.
13:41Oh, come on, Harvey. I fed you on way here. We're eating in an hour. Do you want me to go?
13:47No, no, no, no.
13:53I'm terribly sorry. It's a lovely service.
13:58Oh. Carry on.
14:08Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
14:14I do. And do you, Jane Louise Edwards, take this
14:21man to be your lawful wedded husband?
14:28Um. I do.
14:37I declare you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
14:50In truth, theatrical agent Jeremy Rent is working hard for his stellar list of clients.
15:01Hello. This is a message for the editor of OK Magazine. Jeremy Rent here. My client,
15:07Liza Goddard, has just had a new loft extension, and I'm offering you an exclusive on it for £30.
15:13I look forward to hearing from you. Goodbye.
15:16Hello. Dennis Waterman here to see you.
15:20Lovely. Send him in.
15:23Hello. I'm afraid we've kept some dogs out there.
15:26Hello, Dennis. Let me take that from you.
15:31Yes. You sound a bit bunged up.
15:35Yeah. A bit of a cold.
15:37Yeah. Have a tissue.
15:38Have you not got any man size?
15:40No.
15:53Now, I've had a call from George Lucas.
15:56Oh. The man who done Howard the Duck.
16:00Yes. And Star Wars.
16:02Oh. He done that as well.
16:05Anyway, he's making a brand new Star Wars film,
16:08and he wants you to be Obi-Wan's cousin, Kenneth Kenobi.
16:11Oh, that's nice. So you want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?
16:17No, no. They've already got their own music.
16:19Tell him to get stuffed.
16:22Dennis, Star Wars is a very big deal and can make you an awful lot of money.
16:27They'd even make an action figure of you, like this.
16:29Ooh. Large size.
16:38Well?
16:39In a galaxy far away in space, do-do-do-do-do.
16:46Bad men are taking over space, do-do-do-do-do.
16:51I've got a good idea, just you keep me near.
16:55I'll be so good for the Rebel Alliance.
16:59Obviously, we'll sound a bit better on the day. Still a bit snotty.
17:03Here, try this.
17:11Mayonnaise, good.
17:16It's half past Wilhelm, and at this health spa, Mr Hutton is taking an important meeting.
17:21Meetings are when people who need to meet, meet and have a meeting.
17:25Mr Hutton!
17:26At what?
17:27Mrs De Vere, I'm just in the middle of a meeting.
17:29What is this thing you've been telling Gita that I'm not allowed any more treatments
17:33until my bill has been paid?
17:34If that's correct, yes.
17:36This is the lady I was telling you about.
17:37The one whose bill has been unpaid for five months now.
17:41Why don't you take a photo? It'll last longer.
17:45Mrs De Vere, will you please leave?
17:46Aren't you even going to introduce me?
17:49This is Mrs De Vere.
17:51Call me Bubbles.
17:53Mrs De Vere, this is Mr Byfield. He's head of accounts.
17:56Mrs Shaw, in charge of our legal side.
18:00This is Miss Crozier.
18:02And this is Sir Anthony Garfield, who's the owner.
18:05Oh, the owner.
18:07Oh, Sir Tony.
18:09It is a great pleasure to make your acquaintance.
18:12Hello.
18:16Champagne!
18:17So, Sir Tony, what sort of qualities do you look for in a woman?
18:22You're sitting on my report.
18:24I do apologize.
18:26Is this more comfortable?
18:31Hello.
18:32Mrs De Vere, will you please leave?
18:34Very well.
18:37Oh, I dropped your pen.
18:43I'm winking, darling.
18:48Get out.
18:50Meet me in the Yakuza in 15 minutes.
18:54It's not o'clock, and at this shop in Flemm, Mr Mann is looking for a record.
19:02I myself own two records, both No Parlay by Paul Young.
19:13Hello, how can I help you?
19:14I would like to purchase a record of James Last playing the hits of Nelly Furtado on the banjo.
19:21And I would like a picture on the cover of James Last holding out his hands displaying stigmata.
19:29Certainly.
19:36Thank you.
19:39Does it have the sleeve notes by Dr Graham Garden?
19:42Yes.
19:44All right.
19:50Thank you.
19:51So, do you think you'll see Rupert again?
19:53No, thank you.
19:54Oh, well, did you ever meet Simon's brother, Tom?
19:57No, I don't think I did.
19:58I think I've got a picture of them together somewhere.
20:02Oh, yes.
20:07I can see the family resemblance.
20:09Today, in the charming village of Pox, the village green is host to a bring and buy sale.
20:14Last year's bring and buy sale was very successful and raised over £1.20.
20:19It's snow today, isn't it?
20:21Yes.
20:22Oh, hello.
20:24Brian, I was wondering if you'd like a gingerbread money.
20:26Oh, thank you very much.
20:28I would like one.
20:28Thank you.
20:29Thank you very much.
20:32Oh, delicious.
20:34Did you make these?
20:35No, Anita did.
20:39No.
20:43No.
20:44Maggie, please.
20:45She's just a child.
20:56So, did you get a chance to talk to Valerie about the Barnardo's job?
21:01Run along.
21:02No.
21:06At number 10, the government is celebrating another election victory.
21:10I love an election.
21:11In fact, I'm having one right now.
21:15Here's to a third term.
21:19You did it.
21:21We did it.
21:25What about me?
21:27Sebastian, thank you so much.
21:28You know I couldn't have done it without you.
21:32Thank you.
21:50This is nice, isn't it?
21:53Yes, yes.
21:54It's going to be a very hectic day tomorrow.
21:56I'm going to need your help shepherding all the MPs over.
22:00Shh.
22:0323 new members.
22:04It's going to be quite...
22:05Shh.
22:12Prime Minister, I'd just like to say...
22:33Oh, oh, ha, ha.
22:39Don't fight it, Prime Minister.
22:42This is a very, very long song, isn't it?
22:59I'll be back in a while.
23:00I'm going to talk to the Chancellor.
23:15Sebastian, are you all right?
23:16Yeah, I'm fine.
23:17I'm fine.
23:21I don't want to speak out of turn, but do you perhaps have the slightest crush on me?
23:31Why would they give you that idea?
23:32No, no, no.
23:33I just wanted to say well done.
23:34Oh, thank you, thank you.
23:52Well done.
23:53Oh, hello.
24:01Hello.
24:03As a special treat, Lou has taken Andy to the popular coastal town of Sphincter-on-Sea.
24:09Fine.
24:10Tell me when.
24:12Time.
24:14Time.
24:17Time.
24:19Time.
24:25I want to go swimming.
24:27Oh, no.
24:28Not today.
24:29It's very cold in there, and I need someone else to help you get in and out.
24:34And I haven't even brought your trunk, so the whole thing will be right up your butthole.
24:37I want to go swimming.
24:39No, I thought you didn't like swimming in the sea.
24:42I thought you said that the sea is a dark and brutal force
24:45that has dragged many an innocent to a watery grave.
24:48Yeah, I know.
24:49Oh, good.
24:50If you stay there, I'll go and get you a chocolate.
24:53Hello, Mr. Chocolate Seller.
24:55What types of chocolate have you got today?
24:57You've got your plain chocolate and your milk chocolate.
25:01And what's the main difference between the two?
25:05The milk one is creamier.
25:07It's sweeter, isn't it?
25:08It's sweeter, and then your plain chocolate's a bit bitter.
25:11The plain chocolate has a slightly dark and bitter edge to it, doesn't it?
25:14Not to everybody's taste, but some people do prefer the plain.
25:17Oh, the milk.
25:18It's very interesting, that.
25:21If you had to pick between the two, what would you choose?
25:25You'd choose the plain one.
25:26All right, well, then let's try one plain one, then.
25:36That's the best chocolate you can get.
25:37All right, thanks a lot.
25:45Is there a reason why you're naked?
25:51And so another remarkable series of Little Britain comes to an end.
25:56If you have enjoyed the series and you see me in the street,
26:00you may like to come up to me and caress my thighs and buttocks.
26:04Goodbye!
26:25you