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Short filmTranscript
00:00Vicky Pollard hates smoking, except in places where it is prohibited.
00:07Put our cigarettes out, please.
00:18And that one.
00:22See your ticket, please.
00:24Yeah, I got my ticket.
00:26Right here.
00:29I've warned you before. If you don't have a ticket, you're going to have to get off.
00:32Oh, my God, that is so unfair. This is like world sexual harassment.
00:35If you're that bad to me, why don't you just say so?
00:37God, this is exactly like the time Miss Renwick, who everyone knows is a total lesbian,
00:39made Candice Burton stay behind after PE,
00:41started telling her off for gobbling on Samina Gushwani's hair.
00:43But everyone knows she only made her stay late because she wanted to get off with her,
00:45because when she was telling her off, her legs were wide open and Candice reckoned she could see a spider.
00:49Right, if you don't have a ticket, you can get off at the next stop.
00:52It's OK, Vicky. I got you a ticket. One for you, one for me.
00:59Thank you.
01:00What did you do that for, you two-for-gen?
01:02I didn't need a ticket to get in a bus. I'm Vicky Pollard.
01:04Oh, my God, if anyone hears about this, they're going to think I'm well-sad.
01:07This is like the time Toonie Tuesday told the whole of the four of you
01:09that I shat myself on the field trip to the Ancient City.
01:11If it wasn't me, it was Bernice Donnelly, and I can prove it,
01:13because I made a tape of her crying and admitting it,
01:15and anyone who says I'm not hard is well going to get spammed.
01:17Sorry, Vicky. Don't look like we're going to get chucked off now.
01:20That's what you reckon.
01:24Oi!
01:25Haven't finished yet.
01:28Meanwhile, in Herbie...
01:30Yeah, you sure you don't mind just sitting here for a bit and watching?
01:34Yeah. You sure? Yeah.
01:36The last time we came here, you said it was boring.
01:39You said that Torval and Dean's Barnum routine aside,
01:42ice-skating was aesthetically bankrupt.
01:44Yeah, I will.
01:46All right, I'll only be 20 minutes or so.
01:48Oh, well...
01:50Which crisps you want? I want that one.
01:52Cheese and the onion, right. I don't want that one.
01:56Right. See you in a bit, then.
01:58Oh, wish me luck.
02:13Oh, I can't catch my breath.
02:17What have I got myself into?
02:19Sorry, you can do this.
02:26At this jewellers in Grissle, a robbery has just taken place.
02:42So, Viv, you were standing here at the time of the robbery,
02:45when three men came in.
02:47Now, one of them we know was carrying a gun.
02:49Can you say what he looked like?
02:51Oh, he was gorgeous!
02:53The other one was, he had lovely long hair,
02:55and he was wearing these tight jeans,
02:57and at one point he looked at me, I thought I was going to melt.
03:00Oh, he was a nosh!
03:02And did you get a good look at the second man?
03:04Yes, I did. Oh, he was gorgeous!
03:06He was a bit short, and he wasn't what I normally go for,
03:09cos I like them tall, just like you.
03:11But, oh, he was gorgeous, and he had this voice that was like,
03:14put the money in the bag and no-one will get hurt.
03:16Oh, he put it in the hands of a young Patrick Mower.
03:19And the third man?
03:21Oh, he was gorgeous!
03:23Like he was, but that don't bother me.
03:25Oh, he was, what's the word?
03:27Gorgeous?
03:29Hands off, I've seen him first!
03:31Oh, he was lush! I would very much like to have had sex with him.
03:35All right, thank you.
03:37One last question. Did you get a look at the getaway driver?
03:40Oh, was there a getaway driver?
03:42Yes, there was. He was parked outside the shop
03:44in a metallic blue Vauxhall Corsa.
03:47Oh, I'm not sure whether I...
03:49Now, come on, Dave, think. This is important.
03:54I must have done.
03:56Because I saw them run out, and you're right,
03:58they got into a blue car and there was a man sitting in the front seat and...
04:02Oh, he was gorgeous!
04:07To keep fit, people in Britain go to gymnasia.
04:10I don't need to take exercise, as I have the body of an Adonis.
04:16All right? Yeah.
04:18Yeah, I've just got one more set to do.
04:23You must get this all the time, but I tell you who you look like.
04:26Mr T.
04:27Who?
04:28Mr T, you know, the bloke out of the A-Team.
04:30Oh, I haven't seen it.
04:32You must know him, though. He's the guy with the mohican, the gold chains.
04:35He was in Rocky as well.
04:36Oh, not Sylvester Stallone?
04:37No, his name's Mr T.
04:39Honestly, he looks just like you.
04:41Oh, well, I'll look out for him.
04:45Is that yours?
04:47Oh.
04:50Cheers.
04:55Oh, what's that show called again?
04:57The A-Team.
04:58The A-Team. All right.
04:59Yeah, I think they sometimes show on UK Gold.
05:01Oh, yeah, and it's Mr P, yeah?
05:03No, it's Mr T.
05:04Mr T. All right.
05:08See you.
05:16Men dressing up in women's clothing is, in my view, a disgusting perversion.
05:21Yes, I'm sitting here in bra and panties, but I draw the line there.
05:24Mr T, a lady and a lady out for a stroll.
05:27Not men.
05:28Definitely not men.
05:29Oh, Florence, regardez les enfants playing footy.
05:34Oh, how enchanting.
05:36Of course, you used to play football, didn't you?
05:38No, no.
05:39You did? You were left-back for QPR.
05:42Florence, please remember, I'm a lady.
05:45Hey, mate, can we have our ball back, please?
05:47Leave it, Emily.
05:48Florence, I can't help it.
05:49Fight it, Emily.
05:50I can't.
05:55Be strong, Emily.
05:56Think of ladies' things.
06:01Go!
06:12I think we got away with that.
06:15Au revoir.
06:23If I had my way, fat people would be strangled at birth.
06:26But unfortunately, they're permitted to live.
06:28Anyway, before we start proper, some congratulations are in order.
06:32Aren't they, Mira?
06:33Because, fat fighters, we have a national lottery winner in our midst.
06:38Not the jackpot that went to a white man.
06:41But Mira Sharma, I am pronouncing it right, aren't I,
06:45chose correctly five numbers plus the bonus ball
06:48and won herself £214,000.
06:54How about that?
06:57Anyway, what I think is important is that none of us here treats her any differently.
07:01Isn't that right, my beautiful Asian friends?
07:03Yes, Marjorie.
07:04Yes, Marjorie.
07:06Perfect English. Well done.
07:08A lot of them don't make the effort.
07:10Before we go any further, last week I gave you all the new, they are new,
07:15fat fighters' diet sheets to fill out or fill in.
07:18So, can I have them back, please?
07:20Thank you, Paul.
07:22Ravita for breakfast.
07:23Yeah, right, what do you have on it, lard?
07:26No-one likes lard, Paul.
07:28Thank you.
07:29So, there you have fruit for lunch.
07:31That's right.
07:32What was it, chocolate orange?
07:33Hey, Mira, chocolate is orange.
07:36I don't know, you fancy.
07:40Oh, that smells lovely.
07:44Yeah, because a lot of people say they smell funny, but I don't think so.
07:47No, I'm all for Asians.
07:49Oh, where did you get your safari from?
07:51I'd love one of them.
07:52And one of them red dots, they're brilliant.
07:54And you've actually got lovely handwriting.
07:56Just as well, you'll be writing a lot of checks now, no doubt, for all your family in India.
08:00New Malden.
08:03So, have you thought what you're going to do with it yet?
08:05I'll tell you what I'll do.
08:06I'll pay off my mortgage, yeah.
08:08I'll go on holiday.
08:09And the rest of it I'd share with my friends here at Fat Fighters.
08:12Is that what you're going to do, or...?
08:14Haven't decided.
08:15She hasn't decided yet.
08:16Just slow down, you lot, honestly.
08:19Please, stop mentioning it.
08:21Yeah, please, can we all please now stop mentioning it?
08:24Dear, oh, dear, Mira, they're like a pack of vultures.
08:27Sorry, Mira, vultures, it's the type of bird.
08:29Like Chicken Balty, but without the balty.
08:32Right, come on, because we've got to get through this now.
08:35Day one, breakfast.
08:37Actually, I will just say...
08:39Sorry, playing on me mind.
08:41Mum's not well again.
08:42And all she wants, really, is one last trip to Barbados.
08:46But money, innit?
08:48Hmm? Eh?
08:50Isn't that right, my gorgeous Asian lady?
08:52Money, money, money.
08:54Give it to me.
08:59Now, this dodge I spend...
09:02I do my numbers on a Saturday.
09:04I do five lucky dip midweek.
09:05I do scratch cards.
09:06And I haven't won a penny,
09:07and I've lived in this country all my life.
09:09Don't reckon, Mira, it's theft.
09:11What you have done is theft.
09:13It's a horrible way we've got to rewind changes, someone, innit?
09:17Number ten is a hive of activity.
09:20Following a hostile meeting with the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
09:23the Prime Minister and his aide, Sebastian, are hard at it.
09:30Are you going to be long, Sebastian?
09:32Sorry, Prime Minister, my mouth's a bit full.
09:37Finished.
09:39I didn't even realise there was a chair.
09:41Yeah, it's right there, Prime Minister.
09:47Oh, um, here are the notes from the Russian trade negotiations,
09:51Prime Minister.
09:52Um, who am I meeting?
09:54Oh, um, some envoy from the British Embassy in Moscow.
09:57I'm going to show him in.
09:59OK.
10:00LAUGHTER
10:04The Prime Minister will see you now.
10:09Michael?
10:11Andrew, I had no idea it was you.
10:13How the devil are you?
10:15Can you not touch him, please?
10:19Sebastian, it's quite all right. This is Andrew.
10:21Actually, your job.
10:23How many years ago?
10:24Well, nearly five years ago.
10:26Five years!
10:28Oh, my God, it's good to see you.
10:30LAUGHTER
10:34As I know, you're in Moscow.
10:36Yes, yes.
10:37How have you been?
10:38Fine.
10:39Obviously not quite as much fun as working for you.
10:41No staying up the night of the by-election drinking tequila together.
10:44Don't remind me.
10:45What was that?
10:47We just spent some very funny drunken evenings together.
10:50What happened?
10:52Nothing happened, we just got very drunk and...
10:54What about that time you locked yourself out of your room
10:57and went back to work in the morning?
10:59Were you naked?
11:03No.
11:04What happened then?
11:06It's a long story.
11:08Let's hear it!
11:13Yes, well, maybe we should get down to business, Prime Minister.
11:16Yeah, the Prime Minister's actually very busy,
11:18so if you could sort of get to the point...
11:20Right, yes, well, maybe the best thing is
11:22if you can take a look at these documents
11:24and sign them off before I leave on Friday.
11:26Yes, I've got some free time,
11:27and if you fancy a drink in the Commons bar, a bit of a catch-up?
11:30No, we're very busy.
11:32You're hurting, Sebastian.
11:34Right, well, I'll see you at the end of the week.
11:37Great to see you.
11:40And nice to meet you, Sebastian.
11:42Yeah, whatever.
11:46Prime Minister, I'd really appreciate it
11:48if you didn't invite your exes round.
11:50It makes me feel very uncomfortable.
11:53Sebastian, I really need to read these papers.
12:07Did you sleep with him?
12:12This is the house that stage hypnotist Kenny Craig
12:15shares with his mother.
12:18I still live with my mother, although she died many years ago.
12:22There you go, love.
12:29Oh, I forgot the sugar.
12:31You couldn't be a love and get it, could you?
12:33No, I'm Thundercats.
12:34Well, I've just sat down.
12:36Look into my eyes, look into my eyes,
12:38the eyes, the eyes, and around the eyes,
12:39and look around the eyes, look into my eyes.
12:40You're under.
12:41You may be old and recovering from double hip surgery,
12:43but you're still perfectly capable of getting up
12:44and bringing the sugar bowl, honestly.
12:45Three, two, one.
12:47Oh, I'll just go and get the sugar.
12:49You know, you've got some orange Viscounts in there,
12:51so can you bring those in, please?
12:53He's a very lazy person.
13:00Oh, what time is it?
13:02Songs of Praise is on the other side.
13:04Look into my eyes, look into my eyes,
13:05the eyes, the eyes, and around the eyes,
13:06and look around the eyes, look into my eyes.
13:08You're under.
13:09This is like an all-time classic episode of Thundercats.
13:11Quite frankly astounded that you'd rather watch Songs of Praise,
13:13which is just all about God.
13:14Three, two, one.
13:15In fact, you now don't believe in God anymore,
13:16so you won't want to watch it ever again.
13:18You're under.
13:19Oh, let's just stick with Thunderbirds, shall we?
13:22Thundercats.
13:23Under what?
13:24Oh, look into my eyes, look into my eyes, Thundercats.
13:27Thundercats?
13:28Yes, good.
13:29Well, you're going to have to turn it off soon,
13:31cos I've got the girls coming round later for gin rummy.
13:34Oh, give me strength.
13:35Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, look around my eyes.
13:37Sorry, love, can I just get me glasses?
13:39It might work better with them on.
13:41Right, ready.
13:44It's five to Jill,
13:46and Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Beegley
13:48some of the work he does outside of the hospital.
13:51Occasionally, Anne likes to come down to this park,
13:53and I encourage it.
13:54Just a simple thing like feeding the ducks can be very calming.
13:57Anne loves those ducks.
14:00She's always feeding them.
14:03I don't know if Anne has a favourite duck,
14:05you'd have to ask her.
14:07There used to be some swans round here.
14:10I suppose Anne is just one of those people who loves wildlife.
14:18It's nought o'clock, and at this shop in Flemm,
14:21Mr Mann is looking for a birthday card.
14:23I had a birthday once. I was 44.
14:29Mr Mann is looking for a birthday card.
14:32I had a birthday once. I was 44.
14:35I had a birthday once. I was 44.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:44Hello. Hello.
14:46Sorry, I was just about to take my lunch hour.
14:50Margaret! Margaret!
14:58Yes?
15:00I was just about to take my lunch hour.
15:02Can you come downstairs and serve the gentlemen?
15:05I don't have any arms or legs.
15:08LAUGHTER
15:10Sorry, Margaret, I forgot.
15:14So, how can I help you?
15:16Oh, yes, I would like to purchase a birthday card, please.
15:19Right, well, these are all birthday cards.
15:21For a man.
15:23Right, well, these are the men's cards.
15:25Who is 60?
15:27Five.
15:33He hates dogs.
15:37And cats.
15:41And cartoon frogs.
15:43Does he hate all animals?
15:45No, he likes single-cell organisms, like amoebas.
15:49Well, I can't see any amoeba-based cards here.
15:52One moment.
15:54Margaret! Margaret!
15:57Do we have any cards with single-cell organisms on them?
16:00Like amoebas. Like amoebas?
16:02I don't think so, no.
16:04She says she doesn't think so, no.
16:06Ow!
16:08I don't know what to suggest.
16:10Oh, he loves the sea.
16:13Word.
16:17Well, I can assure you we don't have anything with that in it.
16:21Don't worry, I can write that in myself.
16:25Do you have any cards that just say,
16:27Happy 65th birthday?
16:30Michael Philippides.
16:32No.
16:34Mike Philippides?
16:41In grope, PCs Bryce and Rawlinson have some sad news to impart.
16:47Mrs Harris, there's been an accident.
16:51I'm afraid your husband was killed in a car crash this morning.
16:54No.
16:56I'm terribly sorry.
16:58No.
17:00He was involved in a collision with a heavy goods vehicle.
17:03Oh, no!
17:05Paramedics were called, but Ken was pronounced dead at the scene.
17:12Ken?
17:14Yes, I'm afraid so.
17:16But my husband's Jonathan.
17:18Jonathan Harris.
17:21Er...
17:23There's a Blackford Mundell, registration K5...
17:26No, no, we only have a Fiesta.
17:34We must have got the wrong house.
17:39Oh, I don't believe it.
17:41What about the other Mrs Harris?
17:43Three doors down.
17:45Oh, you couldn't make it up.
17:48Excuse us.
17:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:53In truth, Jeremy Rent has just clinched another major deal
17:56for one of his clients.
17:58So, there's Colin Baker to open your church faith this Saturday at two.
18:02I can throw in Bonnie Langford for an extra £10.
18:05Yeah, please yourself. Bye-bye.
18:08Dennis Waterman here to see you.
18:10Oh, lovely. Send him in.
18:12I'll take it for him.
18:14Hello, Dennis. Ooh, careful.
18:16It's all right. I got it.
18:21There we go.
18:24Now, you know they're showing Minder again on UK Gold?
18:27Oh, yes.
18:28Your repeat fee money came through.
18:31Ooh!
18:33And there's been lots of interest in you.
18:35In fact, the BBC just rang
18:37and they'd like you to be a guest on Never Mind the Buscogs.
18:40Oh, brilliant! It's my favourite.
18:43I love the bit when Phil Jupiter spontaneously gets up on the desk every week.
18:47Good girl.
18:48So, they've offered £50, but I think I can get them up to £55.
18:52Oh, I forgot your biscuit.
18:54Oh, don't worry about that.
18:56Why is this?
18:57I tried to come down, but I...
19:00Oh!
19:09So, the Buscogs, would you like to do it?
19:12So they want me to be on the panel,
19:14write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?
19:17Well, no, they've already got a theme tune.
19:19They'd just like you to be on the panel.
19:21£55, Dennis.
19:24This show is called Never Mind the Buscogs.
19:28Do-do-do-do-do.
19:30It's hosted by the comedian and broadcaster Mark Lamar.
19:33Do-do-do-do-do.
19:34For Jupiter's as a team captain,
19:36so is Bill Bailey.
19:38He took over from John Hughes.
19:41I tell him you're busy.
19:44Oh, Jeremy!
19:46There's a mouse in here!
19:47Oh, he's back again, is he?
19:49Don't worry, he'll soon scuttle out.
19:58LAUGHTER
20:04In group, PC's Bryce and Rawlinson
20:07still have some sad news to impart.
20:13We have some bad news.
20:15There's been an accident.
20:17I'm afraid your husband, Ken Harris,
20:20was killed in a car crash this morning.
20:22No.
20:24No.
20:25God, no.
20:27Please.
20:29We're terribly sorry.
20:31Ken's dead?
20:34I'm afraid so, madam.
20:36His black Ford Mondeo
20:38was involved in the collision with a heavy goods vehicle.
20:41Paramedics were called, but Ken was pronounced dead at the scene.
20:47SHE GASPS
20:49SHE GASPS
20:51SHE LAUGHS
20:54Funny thing, actually.
20:56After an audition for the local amateur production of Hamlet,
20:59the littlest homo, Davyth Thomas, is off to the pub.
21:02Afternoon, Davyth.
21:03Queer batter.
21:14A carton of coke, please, madame.
21:16Coming right up.
21:20So, how did the audition go?
21:22It was a complete waste of time.
21:24The director said he couldn't see me as Hamlet.
21:26I'm sorry, ma'am, but the Langawi Brefi Amateur Dramatic Society
21:29is completely homophobist.
21:31Oh. Well, what audition speech did you do?
21:34It's Raining Men by the Weather Girls.
21:36Well, maybe you'll get a pass in the panto.
21:38I very much doubt it, ma'am.
21:40It's very difficult for gay people to make it in the theatre.
21:43I'm sorry, but I cannot think of a single gay actor.
21:48Oh, I nearly forgot. Your brother rang.
21:50Really? Said he's going to pop over.
21:52He says he's got something important to tell you, Ma,
21:54and Darnie wants your advice.
21:56I wonder what it could be.
21:58Hope he hasn't got some girl pregnant.
22:03Hello, Dewey.
22:05Oh, he's brought his friend, Pedro. Hello.
22:07Hola.
22:10Dos becari a coke, por favor.
22:15So, Dewey, what's the matter?
22:17Um... Well...
22:20Tele, tele. Tele, tele.
22:22Oh, muah, muah, muah, muah. Nancy boy.
22:26You know I've always looked up to you as an older brother.
22:29And, well, I'm thinking of coming out tomorrow,
22:31and I wanted your advice.
22:32All right, sorry. Coming out as what?
22:35Well, as gay.
22:38What? You're gay?
22:41I had no idea.
22:43I suppose I've hidden it quite well.
22:46Have you told Pedro?
22:47Sí, sí, por la dona culo.
22:51Pedro knows.
22:53Well, whatever you do, you mustn't tell Ma and Darn.
22:55Why not?
22:56Well, we've only got one gay in this family.
22:58We don't need two.
22:59But they need to know.
23:00All right, let me think.
23:02How do you feel about being bisexual?
23:05But I'm not. I'm gay.
23:07Bisexual?
23:11Couldn't you at least try it?
23:13The boy likes cock-dabbing.
23:17Look at him. He's bloody gagging for it.
23:20Sí, señora, ¿eh?
23:22Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.
23:26I'm sorry, my family, I am not having a gay brother, and that's that.
23:29Oh, he was like this when I told him about my first taste of fanny.
23:34Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Dafydd,
23:36but I'm off home to tell them now. Come along, Pedro.
23:38Sí, señora, señora, señora.
23:40Later.
23:41Later.
23:46Dafydd Thomas, there was no way to speak to your brother and his boyfriend.
23:49Pedro's gay too?
23:55At this supermarket in Herby,
23:57Lou has spent all of his JobSeeker's allowance on food for Andy.
24:01Is that the most amount?
24:03No, we've got plenty of those at home.
24:05I don't know.
24:07Oh, no.
24:09Look what some silly arse has done.
24:12I can't get the van out now.
24:14Oh.
24:15Well, you wait here. I'll see if I can find someone.
24:18Oh, what a kerfuffle.
24:20You're going to miss my hero.
24:22There's not a lot I can do. I'll be as quick as I can.
24:25My hero.
24:39My hero.
24:57I don't think we need you anymore.
25:00Hello.