Little Britain S02 E04 - Episode #2.4
Transcript
00:00The police, or pigs as they are affectionately known, are always busy solving crimes.
00:07Popular crimes include armed robbery, GDH, and my personal favourite, murder.
00:15Perhaps the next time you try to steal a horse, you'll think again.
00:18Don't touch!
00:19I'm letting you off with a warning this time. Think yourself lucky.
00:22Alas!
00:23I think you are Dolores, Saman.
00:26Ten hundred thousand pounds?
00:31So, Vicky, you say you witnessed the robbery?
00:35Yeah, but, yeah, but, no, because what happened was,
00:38was this robbery happened because this dude robbed this bank or something.
00:40It was a jeweller's.
00:41Oh, yeah, it was a jeweller's, and I saw the man who'd done it,
00:43and he was, like, so guilty because it was, like, so obviously him,
00:46and I done a drawing of him, and he looks exactly like that.
00:48So, um, please can I have ten hundred thousand pounds now, please?
00:51He didn't see anything, did you?
00:53Oh, my God! I still can't believe he just said that!
00:55I was right in the middle of it,
00:56and he tried to leak my brand-new Reebok trainers as well,
00:58so I well reckon I should get contemplation for that as well.
01:01You do know it's an offence to waste police time?
01:04No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no,
01:07because I'm not wasting police time because, you know Misha,
01:09well, she saw the whole thing, right, because she was bunking off school
01:11because she was going to go down the Wimpy and get off with Luke Griffiths,
01:13only she never because he's been trying to grow a moustache,
01:15but it just looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Talbot instead,
01:17only don't tell Bethany that because she's fancied Luke Talbot
01:19ever since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec.
01:21I can't see what this has got to do with the investigation.
01:24I'm getting there!
01:25So, anyway, this whole other thing happened because Ellie Bouncer,
01:27everyone knows she's a total slagbag,
01:28has been completely going around saying that Craig Wilshire's brother
01:30left a rubber johnny on Miss Turner's desk.
01:32Vicky, we're just interested in the robbery.
01:35What robbery? I ain't never done no robbery!
01:37Oh, my God, this is like the time Samina Ghoshwani
01:38said that I threw a tampon at Ian Buckham during an assembly,
01:40but she was well out of order to say that because I would so never do that!
01:43It was the panty pads.
01:45You have no idea who committed this crime, do you?
01:47Oh, my God, I still can't believe you just said that!
01:50I was well just about to tell you who, like, the whole robber was,
01:52an aerophan!
01:54Are you all finished in here? Yeah.
01:58She done it?
02:00Oh, my God, did you see that?
02:01She well just gave me goiters.
02:06The people of Porks are enjoying light refreshments
02:08after their annual carol service.
02:10I love carols, though I do prefer barbers.
02:14Lovely service, Vicka. Yes, Vicka.
02:16Thank you, ladies.
02:18To hear the children sing all those carols for me,
02:20that is the true meaning of Christmas.
02:22Yes, they did do well, didn't they?
02:24But it's all down to the choir master.
02:26Oh, thank you, Vicka.
02:28Mince pie, ladies.
02:29Oh, thank you.
02:30Oh, they're still hot!
02:34Lovely. Did you make these?
02:35Yes, with my partner, Stephen.
02:46CHEERING
02:56By the way, I thought the solo in Silent Night was divine.
03:01Thank you.
03:04It's five to Jackie S, not Jackie P.
03:07And in the northern town of Dirty Boy lies this sublime newsagent.
03:16Hello.
03:21Thirsty?
03:27Hungry?
03:36Looking to catch up on the day's news and sport?
03:47Hoping to write a letter to a friend or relative?
03:59Planning a wank?
04:04Just answer.
04:11Can I take your order, sir?
04:12Yes, I'll have the foie gras to start.
04:16And for your main course, sir?
04:18Poached guinea fowl.
04:20Would you like vegetables with that, sir?
04:22Just dough for mashed potatoes.
04:24Excellent choice, sir.
04:27And a double decker.
04:34Today, Emily is taking Florence to the ballet.
04:38Emily, you're absolutely sure this is what ladies wear
04:41when they go down the ballet?
04:42Trust me, my dear Florence,
04:43all the best ladies dress like this.
04:45I'll just do as I do, and no-one will suspect a thing.
04:50I'd love to slip into a tutu.
04:52Bishop Desmond tutu.
04:59Good evening.
05:00Two ladies' tickets for the ballet, if you please.
05:03All the same price, sir.
05:04Where would you like to sit?
05:06In a seat, please.
05:08Yes, facing the stage.
05:10We love the ballet, you see.
05:12Yes, we're just two ladies who love the ballet.
05:14Florence here was very nearly a ballerina herself, weren't you?
05:18Yes, was I?
05:19Yes, she always dreamed of being a prima ballerina.
05:22Ah, yes, but then I became a hot carrier.
05:25I am definitely a lady,
05:27and I've been coming to the ballet now for many a year.
05:30I've seen all the finest companies.
05:32The Rambert, the Bolshoi.
05:34Libs and Co.
05:36That's two tickets in the stores at 50 pounds each.
05:39How would you like to pay?
05:41Switch.
05:43Mr. Edward Howard.
05:45My husband's card, silly me!
05:54Do you have any cash, Florence, my dear?
05:56In a moment.
05:57I should have some in here somewhere.
05:59Where are they?
06:00Ah, yes.
06:0120, 40, 60...
06:02Idiot, sir.
06:04Nelty boo-hoo.
06:06Excuse me, where's the box?
06:09Oui.
06:10Le chambre de pipi.
06:15But the performance is about to start.
06:17May I see you?
06:18Not very much.
06:25Two ladies having a pee.
06:27Hello, here.
06:29Come on, tight.
06:32Whoopsie-daisy.
06:39Christmas was first celebrated in Britain in 1986
06:43to commemorate the birth of Lord Martin Christmas.
06:47Oh!
07:06Remember you're going to be reading in church today.
07:08Yeah, I know.
07:09What do you want to wear?
07:10Because I'm going to put the iron on.
07:12Baby Jesus.
07:13What about the baby Jesus?
07:15I'm not really sure that's a good idea.
07:17I know you like the baby Jesus.
07:19I love the baby Jesus.
07:20I'm not sure you dressing up as him
07:22is going to go down that well in church.
07:24It's going to be like a fuffle making you up a baby Jesus outfit
07:28at short notice.
07:30Baby Jesus.
07:35And now, Andrew Pipkin is going to read for us
07:38from the Gospel according to St Matthew.
07:41And so it came to pass that Mary and Joseph
07:45made their way to the city of Bethlehem.
07:48They sought high and low for refuge,
07:50but there was no room at the inn.
07:52Not in Peter's house.
07:54Not in Mary's house.
07:56Not in Peter's house.
07:58Not in Mary's house.
08:00But in Peter's house.
08:02But in Peter's house.
08:04But in Peter's house.
08:06But in Peter's house.
08:08There was no room at the inn.
08:10Not in Peter's house.
08:14In kidney, Dr Lawrence has taken Dr Begree along
08:17to see one of his patients take part
08:19in an amateur production of The Importance of Being Earnest.
08:22But you must be serious!
08:24I hate people who are not serious about meals.
08:26It's a funny play indeed.
08:28I know Anne's worked very hard on it.
08:30It should be fantastic.
08:32Lady Bracknell.
08:34Oh, this'll be her now.
08:38Good afternoon, Lady Bracknell.
08:39Eh, eh, eh!
08:42May I, uh, offer you a cucumber sandwich?
08:44Eh, eh, eh!
08:48Ooh, the handbag line's coming up. I'm dying to see how she does it.
08:51I was just telling Algernon how I was found in the cloakroom at Victoria Station.
08:54In a handbag.
08:56Eh, eh, eh!
08:58Brilliant.
08:59Um, yes, Lady Bracknell, I was in a handbag.
09:02A somewhat large, black leather handbag with handles on it.
09:05Eh, eh, eh!
09:08I was in the cloakroom at Victoria Station.
09:10Ah, the Brighton line!
09:12Yes, so I need hardly...
09:14I need...
09:18I don't remember this bit.
09:21I'd love to see her do some Shakespeare.
09:23Eh, eh, eh!
09:26Every Christmas, Marjorie Dawes takes our Fat Fighters group out for a meal.
09:30The best meal I ever had was in Rome,
09:32off the beaten track in a little back street.
09:34Chicken McNuggets and chips.
09:36I asked for a corner table cos I don't really think it's fair
09:39on the other diners to have to watch fat people eat.
09:41It's nice, isn't it? I don't know what to have.
09:44Now, it's Christmas, so everyone can order what they like, yeah?
09:47You can't have a night off, can you? Eh?
09:49We're not Fat Fighters now, are we?
09:51I'm not sure they do curry here, Moira,
09:53but why don't you order some English food, yeah?
09:55Spag bol.
09:57Is everyone ready?
09:59I think so. By the way, we're all from Fat Fighters, aren't we, gang?
10:02Yeah.
10:05In case you're wondering what I'm doing with them, I'm the group leader.
10:08Yes, what would you like?
10:10I think I'll have the garlic bread to start.
10:12Oh, I don't think you should be having a starter, Tonya, do you?
10:14Oh, OK, then. In that case, I'll just have the chicken Kiev.
10:18OK, anything on the side? No.
10:21I'll have the steak and chips, please.
10:23No, just give them a salad, without the dressing.
10:26Get their hair lasagna.
10:28What I think is best, Moira,
10:30is if you just point at what you want, yeah?
10:33All right, Pat, your turn.
10:35Well, seeing as you're ordering for us,
10:37I might as well just have a salad.
10:39Cancel that. Do you have any dust?
10:41No dust?
10:43No dust?
10:45No dust?
10:47No dust? No dust?
10:49No dust? No dust?
10:51No.
10:53Well, in that case, just give her a glass of water.
10:55Anything for you?
10:57Oh, no, nothing for me, thanks. I want to keep my figure.
10:59I never eat after six.
11:02So, has everyone finished their Christmas shopping, then?
11:04No, I haven't done any of it yet.
11:08Oh, I've just dropped my fork.
11:10Excuse me.
11:12Go on.
11:26What's everyone do for Christmas?
11:32Over in Llandowi Breffie,
11:34lovely gay boy Dafydd Thomas
11:36is taking a stand against his local library.
11:38Morning, Danny.
11:40We're taking action, Mrs Jones.
11:42All right.
11:46Is there something the matter?
11:48Quentin Crisp, the naked civil servant.
11:50The Joe Alton diaries.
11:52My struggle, Dale Wenton.
11:54It's not easy being the only gay in the village.
11:56In fact, it's bloody hard.
11:58Books like this have been a lifeline to me.
12:00Put that down. It's a gay book for gays.
12:04There we go.
12:06This library now has its own gay and lesbian,
12:08including bisexual section.
12:10Another step forward for the Llandowi Breffie Gay Liberation Front.
12:12Me.
12:14Truly, Dafydd, I don't know whether you've ever been past travel,
12:16but we do have quite a popular gay section.
12:18What?
12:20Come with me.
12:24What the hell is...
12:26Shh!
12:30Have you decided what you're having yet, sir?
12:32No.
12:34The oysters are very good today, sir.
12:36All right, then. Half a dozen oysters to start.
12:38And for your main course?
12:40The liver.
12:42With baby onions and savoy cabbage.
12:44Excellent choice, sir.
12:46And a lion bar and a pepperami.
12:54This is Number 10 Downing Street.
12:56Today, the Prime Minister and his wife
12:58are preparing to make an important announcement.
13:00I don't want to spoil it,
13:02but basically they're having a baby.
13:06Come.
13:08Morning, Prime Minister.
13:10Morning, Sebastian. You know my wife, don't you?
13:12Hello.
13:14Hi. Maybe I should just go.
13:16No, no, no, no. Please sit down.
13:24Actually, we have something to tell you.
13:27We've sent you a press statement
13:29confirming that Sarah is pregnant.
13:31What?
13:33Um, three months gone
13:35and, well, bumps beginning to show.
13:37Actually, you're the first person on the staff to know.
13:39It's great news, isn't it?
13:41Whatever.
13:43So is that it, or is there something important
13:45you need to discuss?
13:47Well, I thought it would be quite a big story
13:49this morning, and I'd like you to handle it.
13:51Oh, Chief Whip, excuse me.
13:53So it's definitely his, is it?
13:57Yes, of course it is.
13:59Look, Sebastian, we need to compose this statement.
14:01Very clever. Excuse me?
14:03What you've done. Very clever.
14:05I'm sorry? Got yourself up the duff.
14:07What, did you say you were on the pill?
14:09You tricked him into it?
14:11No. Um, we've been married for 12 years,
14:13trying for children for two.
14:15You've worked it, girl. I'll give you that.
14:17What?
14:19You've got him. You've won.
14:21But let me tell you, this girlfriend,
14:23while you're piling on the pounds and eating for two,
14:25she's not there.
14:27How dare you!
14:33Is she all right?
14:35Women's problems.
14:37Shall we get on with the statement?
14:39Yep.
14:41We regret to announce...
14:43Well, she's done it.
14:45The bitch has done it.
14:49Explain.
14:51Oh, sorry, Prime Minister.
14:55You know we could have adopted.
15:09People in Britain
15:11like to keep their money safe.
15:13Either by depositing it in a bank
15:15or by nailing it to their front door.
15:19It's on the market for 80,000,
15:21which is cheap for out here.
15:23Our agent reckons we could probably get them down to 75.
15:25Sounds great.
15:27But the best mortgage for you
15:29is the Midwest First Time Buyer Plus.
15:31Oh, yeah?
15:33Yeah.
15:35There's a fixed rate of 4.9%
15:37over five years
15:39and an instant cashback of £10,000.
15:41Oh, that sounds good.
15:43Yeah.
15:45We'll go for that, please.
15:47Oh, it's going to be brilliant.
15:49I know.
15:51Computer says no.
15:57This upper-class family
15:59are meeting their wedding caterer.
16:01If you're not sure which class you are,
16:03simply pull back your foreskin
16:05where you'll find the word
16:07lower, middle or upper.
16:09For the starter, I was thinking
16:11of wild asparagus tips
16:13with Hollandaise sauce.
16:15Of course, I'm very open to suggestions,
16:17so if there's anything that you particularly like,
16:19you can say.
16:21Sorry?
16:23Not now, Harvey.
16:25I don't like asparagus.
16:27Well, maybe you could do some smoked salmon
16:29for my mother?
16:31No, Harvey.
16:33You've just had bitty.
16:35Please.
16:37Well, for the main,
16:39I was going to suggest
16:41breast of pigeon
16:43with wild mushroom risotto.
16:45That sounds lovely.
16:47Which would you prefer?
16:49Bitty.
16:51Come on, Harvey.
16:53We will, of course, offer a vegetarian option.
16:55Oh, bloody vegetarians.
16:57String up the lot of them, I say.
16:59Bitty, bitty.
17:01We went to a wedding in the spring
17:03where they had these wonderful
17:05roasted artichoke hearts.
17:07And a lot of people went for them
17:09over the Beef Wellington.
17:11Yes, that does
17:13quite often happen.
17:15Nothing less.
17:17I'm not surprised. You're a very greedy boy this morning.
17:19Bitty.
17:21Don't worry, dear. I should have some.
17:23Mamma bitty.
17:29Any ideas on pudding?
17:33At a supermarket in Slaughter,
17:35stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has just finished
17:37his shopping. Supermarkets
17:39were introduced into Britain to destroy
17:41small businesses and create a sense
17:43of social alienation.
17:55Excuse me.
17:57Are you going to leave your insurance details?
17:59I saw you do it.
18:03Look into my eyes.
18:05Look around the eyes.
18:07You're under. You did not, repeat, not see me hit that car.
18:093, 2, 1. You're back in the room.
18:11Yes, I did. It was him.
18:13No, it wasn't. Yes, it was. I saw you do it.
18:15Look into my eyes.
18:17Look around the eyes. Don't look around the eyes.
18:19You're under. You did not, repeat, not see me hit that car.
18:21Nor did you. 3, 2, 1.
18:23Hey! What's happened to my car?
18:27Look into my eyes.
18:29Me? No, not you. Him.
18:31Alright.
18:33Look into my eyes. Look around the eyes.
18:35Don't look around the eyes. Look into my eyes.
18:37You're under.
18:39Look into my eyes.
18:41Moanwheel, in Throttle, a lunch order is being taken.
18:43Can I take your order, sir?
18:45Yes, I'll have the wild truffle
18:47and roquefort salad.
18:49Very good, sir.
18:51And then the poached scallops with artichoke hearts.
18:53Will that be all? Yes.
18:55And a bag of Monster Munch.
18:57And to drink?
18:59Hambonga.
19:03It's nought o'clock, and at this shop in Flem
19:05Mr Mann is looking for a book.
19:07I read a book once.
19:09It was called Who on Earth is Tom Baker?
19:15Hello. I did not know you liked books.
19:17Hello, yes, I like books very much.
19:19Are you looking for anything in particular?
19:21Not really.
19:23I was just wondering if you had any books
19:25on medieval English music between the dates
19:271356 and 1390.
19:29Erm, I can't see anything here.
19:31Margaret knows all the books.
19:33One moment.
19:35Margaret! Margaret!
19:41Yes?
19:43There's a gentleman here who wants to know
19:45if you've got any books on medieval English music
19:47dating between 1356 and 1390.
19:51Paperback or hardback?
19:53Paperback or hardback.
19:55Oh, you know me. I'm easy.
19:57He says he's easy.
19:59There should be one.
20:01Over by the Mike Gatting autobiography.
20:03Oh, yes, here we are.
20:05The History of Medieval Music
20:071356 to 1390.
20:11Sorry, I didn't grip in time.
20:19Sorry, I gripped too soon that time.
20:21You may have to hold it.
20:23Right.
20:25Well, what do you reckon?
20:27How many pages does it have?
20:29Erm...
20:31312.
20:33Oh, I was hoping for something
20:35more along the 306 mark.
20:37Right.
20:39Do you think the author might be
20:41interested in rewriting his work to cut it down?
20:43Maybe if you cut out all the O's
20:45you might lose six pages there.
20:49I don't think so, no.
20:53Maybe I'm being too specific.
20:55You are being a little specific.
20:57OK.
20:59Have you got any books?
21:07Have I got any books?
21:09Yes.
21:11Well, yes, we've got hundreds of them.
21:13I'll take them, please.
21:15All right.
21:21You must really like reading.
21:23Oh, no.
21:25Never mind.
21:43It's five to Pamela,
21:45and at this health spa in Trump,
21:47the guests are working hard.
21:49And turn the page...
21:51and rest.
21:55At Hill Grange, there is a need
21:57for some restructuring.
21:59Now, you know that Jacqueline is leaving us?
22:01Oh, yes.
22:03So from Monday...
22:05Come in.
22:07Hello, darling.
22:09Oh, hello, Mrs Devere.
22:11Got any bubbles? Everybody does.
22:13Mrs Devere, I'm just in the middle of something.
22:15Simone, darling, would you be a darling
22:17and leave me and Mr Hutton alone for a moment?
22:19Thank you, darling.
22:21Not a word of this to anyone.
22:25Hello.
22:27Have you got the cheque?
22:29It's all here, darling. All the treatments, all the food,
22:31bed and board for the last five months.
22:33Great.
22:35£17,300, darling.
22:37Thank you.
22:39But we don't need the cheque, do we, darling?
22:41Yes, we do.
22:43We don't.
22:49Because...
22:51Da-da-da...
22:53Da-da-da...
22:55Da-da-da...
22:57Sorry.
22:59Da-da-da...
23:01Da-da-da...
23:03Da-da-da...
23:05Da-da-da...
23:07Da-da-da...
23:09Da-da-da...
23:15Be quick, Mr Hutton.
23:17I have a colonic at three.
23:19Lou Todd has bought two ice creams,
23:21both for his friend Andy.
23:25Andy!
23:27Andy!
23:29Where are you?
23:31Up here.
23:33How did you get up there?
23:35I fell.
23:37Oh, thank you so much.
23:39Thank you.
23:41Oh, I was worried sick.
23:43What a kerfuffle.
23:45Well,
23:47in fact, there's no idea.
23:49As you can see, he's not the most able-bodied
23:51person there is.
23:53He's confined to a wheelchair,
23:55and I've put him in a wheelchair,
23:57and I've put him in a wheelchair,
23:59and I've put him in a wheelchair,
24:01and I've put him in a wheelchair,
24:03and I've put him in a wheelchair,
24:05and he's confined to a wheelchair,
24:07and I've pushed that,
24:09so I'm not even sure he's got the strength in his arms
24:11to get up a tree.
24:13I mean, it's a mystery.
24:15I mean, it's something for Arthur C. Clarke
24:17to put into Arthur C. Clarke's Mysterious World,
24:19or Toil Wilcox was singing about in our song.
24:21It's a mystery.
24:23And I think the best thing I'll do now
24:25is get him home, early bath, early to bed,
24:27and they say a good idea is a nice,
24:29hot, warm, milky drink,
24:31like a cup of cocoa or something.
24:33Yeah.
24:35Thank you.
24:37Did they bring the ball down as well?
24:39Yeah. That was kind of them.