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Short filmTranscript
00:00Vicky Pollard is moving up in the world and has now graduated to Boston.
00:05Today she has been summoned to the Governor's office.
00:08Can you come in now, please, Vicky?
00:18Right, now, I've been hearing all sorts of stories
00:21about a very serious incident in the canteen.
00:24Vicky, I'm going to ask you a question now and I want a straight answer.
00:29Did you bite Jackie Hayes?
00:31I ain't never even done nothing or nothing!
00:33Let me tell you the old thing, right,
00:34because what happened was Julie wrote this thing on her recce wall
00:36about Lorraine being a 100% minger
00:37and then some apps came into her door and started stirring it all up.
00:39But anyway, Carly found a cube in her lasagne.
00:41Oh, so Carly's involved in this, is she?
00:43Carly ain't never even done nothing or nothing!
00:45She wasn't even there! Shut up!
00:46She was busy selling her phone cards to that girl with the manky foot.
00:48But I don't know about that because I was busy with Alison
00:50because she was feeling sick and was sick all over the sick bay.
00:52But I never broke in her chapel window
00:53and if Donna says that I did then don't listen to her because she plays with matches.
00:55Vicky, did you bite Jackie Hayes?
00:57Shut up! I didn't even know she got bit!
00:58I ain't got anything to bite with, have I?
01:00God, it's like this film I saw once where this woman goes into this place
01:02but this whole thing happens, this whole other thing happens,
01:03then the video cut off.
01:04Anyway, Rachel said that Janine's done it with her brother.
01:06Right, hold on.
01:07Can you un-fetch Jackie, please?
01:08Don't know why he's bothered me with Jackie
01:09and everyone knows she ain't done nothing.
01:11Yes, thank you, Vicky.
01:15Jackie, will you please tell me what happened in the canteen this afternoon?
01:19I ain't even never not even done nothing!
01:20Shut up!
01:21Have you been talking to Cheryl?
01:22Don't listen to her because she ate in her own scab.
01:23Oh my God, I still can't believe you just said that!
01:26No, no, no, nothing.
01:27I told you I'd never tell you about it.
01:28I told you I'd never tell you about it.
01:29I told you I'd never tell you about it.
01:30I never told you about it.
01:31I never told you about it.
01:32I never told you about it.
01:33I never told you about it.
01:34I never told you about it.
01:35Anyway, don't listen to her because she's got all the less eat!
01:38Piss off!
01:45You fancy her?
01:46You do.
01:47Come on, Jack.
01:48Never lose your fingers, son.
01:51If people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop.
01:55If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet shop shop.
01:58If they want to buy a pet shop shop, they're just being silly.
02:02When you get this rabbit, you're going to have to think of a name for it.
02:04A name for it, yeah?
02:05I wonder where they keep them.
02:07How about that one?
02:08That one?
02:09Yeah.
02:11Well, that's a snake.
02:12Yeah, I know.
02:13Well, you don't like snakes.
02:14You're scared of them.
02:15Remember when we watched that film with all the snakes in it?
02:17You said all serpents had an aura of evil.
02:20Yeah, I know.
02:21Let's get a rabbit then.
02:22I want that one.
02:24Are you sure?
02:25Yeah.
02:26All right, well, it's your birthday money.
02:28What are you going to call it then?
02:29Frumpet.
02:32We'll take the snake, please.
02:44I want a rabbit.
02:4910 Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister.
02:52The Prime Minister is like this guy who is, like, in charge of, like, the whole country.
03:08So it is with great reluctance that I have decided to accept the Minister's resignation.
03:14I'll take a few questions.
03:16A Boyd Hilton smash hits.
03:19Prime Minister, do you admit that the Foreign Secretary lied to the House?
03:22I've answered that question already. Next?
03:24Greg Davies Puzzler. Have you appointed a replacement?
03:28We'll be making an announcement shortly.
03:30Angus Thomas Kerrang. Who's next to go from your Cabinet?
03:34There will be no more resignations from my Cabinet.
03:36Roy Sloan, Whizzer and Chips. Are you concerned you've lost your strongest ally in the Cabinet?
03:40There is no rift in the Cabinet.
03:43Andrew Jarman, Dinosaur Magazine.
03:46What was your answer?
03:47Sorry, I don't know that one.
03:48It's new. You get a free binder with part one. You collect it over 24 weeks.
03:53It's everything you need to know about dinosaurs.
03:56Oh, yeah. Go ahead.
03:59Oh, I'm sorry. I've forgotten the question.
04:02Roger Wakeley, Asian Babes.
04:04Given your support of yet another disgraced Minister, don't you think that your position has become untenable?
04:09Certainly not. One more question.
04:11George Paxton, Daily Telegraph. Who's your favourite member of Westlife?
04:17It's five past Alberto and at Fat Fighters the meeting is just beginning.
04:21Yeah, I know. Well, they're all the same. Anyway, listen, I'd better go. I've got my fat people here.
04:26So, Johansson's here. Paul's here. Pat's here. Where's Mira?
04:31She's in hospital. She's having liposuction.
04:34Oh. I think it's such a shame the way people feel the need to temper with themselves.
04:39Tanya's here. Who are you?
04:44This is the home of schoolteacher Edward Grant, who recently caused a stir by marrying one of his former pupils.
04:53Lucky boy.
04:58Problem?
04:59Another letter from Mum.
05:00Oh, for goodness sake. What is so strange about a teacher marrying one of his ex-pupils?
05:05Nothing.
05:06I'm sorry?
05:07Nothing.
05:08Nothing what?
05:09Nothing, sir.
05:14What's this?
05:15Happy Valentine's Day, darling.
05:17Oh, I'll pop it in my pigeon hole.
05:20Go on, open it now.
05:26Dear Edward, and capital D on Dear, I love you with all my heat of heart.
05:33Handwriting, yours forever, comma, Samantha.
05:38Six out of ten, see me.
05:42Me.
05:49You do love me, don't you?
05:50If you have a question, put your hand up.
05:56Um, yes, Samantha.
05:58Do you love me?
05:59Yes.
06:00How much?
06:02OK.
06:04How much do you love me?
06:07Well, let's say that this is love here, and this is time here.
06:13Now, this is where we first met.
06:15This is that detention we shared together.
06:18Dropped a little here when I didn't cast you in the school play.
06:21School trip to Calais.
06:23Parents' evening.
06:25Wedding day.
06:26Wedding night.
06:27And, uh, this is where we are now.
06:29So, as you see, as time has progressed, love has increased.
06:33Oh, Edward, put your chalk down and come back to bed.
06:35Sorry, I got carried away.
06:41Are you chilling?
06:44Into my hand!
06:47It's one two o'clock, and at Kelsey Grammar School,
06:50a young pupil has an appointment with his careers advisor.
06:53Sorry I'm late, sir.
06:55Make sure it doesn't happen again.
06:57Take a seat.
06:58Thank you, sir.
07:02What do you have in mind?
07:03Well, really, ever since I was small, I've always wanted to go into catering.
07:07In the future, there will be no jobs for humans in the catering industry.
07:11Only robots.
07:14Does that include catering in hotels?
07:16Uh, yes.
07:19Well, the other thing I was thinking of was engineering.
07:22There will be no jobs for humans.
07:24We will inherit the Earth.
07:27What's this?
07:29This booklet will explain everything.
07:31Go now.
07:32Thank you, sir.
07:35Tuck your shirt in.
07:38I am a robot.
07:40Yes.
07:43In Herbie's city centre lies this library.
07:46The word library is derived from the Latin, librus, meaning...
07:50Shh!
07:54So, have you seen anything you fancy?
07:57Yeah, I want that one.
07:59That one?
08:00Yeah.
08:01Well, that is a book on Chinese history.
08:03Yeah, I know.
08:04How do you know? You weren't even looking at it.
08:06Yeah, I know.
08:08It all looks a bit involved, really.
08:11Now, how about that book I was telling you about in the van?
08:14About the cave boy who lives in a rubbish tip.
08:16Stick of the dumps.
08:17I don't want that one.
08:20That is Chinese language and its origins.
08:24Again, it might be a little bit hard for you.
08:28I want it.
08:29All right.
08:30You've got these two.
08:31Now, you're allowed one more.
08:33Shall we see if we can find stick of the dumps?
08:35That one.
08:37That one?
08:38Yeah.
08:39That is the same one as you've got there.
08:42Well...
08:44You're sure you want these three?
08:46Yeah.
08:47You're positive?
08:48Yeah.
08:49All right.
08:50Let's go and get them stamped.
08:52So, are you happy with your choices?
08:54Yeah.
08:55You're sticking with these three?
08:57Yeah.
08:59I can't read.
09:05So, that's a table for two at eight.
09:08Thank you.
09:10Can't wait.
09:12Anything for my little star pupil.
09:15Would you like to draw the curtains?
09:25This is our timetable for the evening.
09:28Seven p.m., coach leaves for restaurant.
09:30Anybody not on the coach at that time will be left behind.
09:34It's not Muffly Day, is it?
09:36At 7.30 p.m., arrive at restaurant and get a haircut.
09:40Council estates are where the old, thick and bone-idle are forced to live.
09:51This flat on the seventh floor is the home of brother and sister Bernard and Kitty Chumley.
09:58Yes, I heard it, Kitty!
10:02Hello. Meals on wheels for Kitty Chumley.
10:05Oh, yes, yes, yes.
10:07We'll have it, yes.
10:10So, what is it today, then?
10:12Oxtail soup for starters, and then shepherd's pie with cabbage and sweet.
10:16Oh, I don't like sweet. I mean, Kitty doesn't like sweet.
10:20And there's a choice of arctic roll or a peach.
10:23Arctic roll, obviously.
10:26Thank you.
10:29So, how is your sister today?
10:31I didn't do it.
10:33No? How is she?
10:35Oh, I see. Still not walking, but I think a lot of it's psychological.
10:40Can I see her?
10:42Oh, no, no, no. She's biting today. Thank you ever so much.
10:45Have you got yesterday's plates?
10:47Oh, yes.
10:55We do ask that they're returned clean.
10:59By the way, the jam roll Napoleon was delicious, Kitty said.
11:05If anything, there could have been more of that, she added.
11:09Are they telling me you were an actor?
11:11I'm an actor, yes.
11:13Oh, right. Are you in anything at the moment?
11:15Vincent Bob's, you know.
11:17Well, thank you very much. Good day.
11:19You know, Mr Chumley, I think you might qualify yourself for the Meals on Wheels service.
11:25I'm 43.
11:27I'm 43.
11:30See you again soon, then.
11:38Bit dry.
11:39Sorry?
11:41Kitty said.
11:44Everybody in Britain loves the royal family.
11:47They are the cleverest, strongest, loveliest, most selfish people in Britain.
11:52Today, Her Majesty the Queen is hosting a royal garden party.
11:56Carry on.
11:57Good afternoon, sir. Can I see your invitation, please?
11:59I trust everything is going well.
12:01Aye, thank you, sir.
12:02Nobody's trying to sneak in without an invitation, I hope.
12:04Not yet, sir.
12:05Keep up the good work.
12:07I'm Peter Andre, royal correspondent for the BBC.
12:10I'm not allowed to let anyone in without an invitation, sir.
12:13This is a bit embarrassing. I don't want to draw attention to myself.
12:16Hello! Yeah! I'll be in in a minute!
12:19But Philip personally invited me.
12:21Sorry, being a serf, you probably don't have a clue who I'm talking about. Princess Philip.
12:25Oh, yes? What did he say?
12:27He said we're having a party, should be a laugh, just pop round any time after four.
12:31I'm sorry, sir.
12:32Anne and I are very much in love.
12:34Step aside, please.
12:40Step aside, please, sir.
12:41I must give her these drawings!
12:44Ah, good afternoon, Miss Bond.
12:45Good afternoon.
12:46That's lovely.
12:47Jenny! Jenny!
12:48Sorry, Peter. I can't help you now.
12:52Probably best to go home, sir.
12:54Yes.
12:55And put some trousers on, will you?
13:07If your car doesn't already have a boot, you can buy one at a car boot sale.
13:12Today, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is getting rid of some old junk.
13:16Anything you fancy, sir?
13:18No thanks, I'm just looking.
13:20Humorous book about cricket?
13:23Forward Virgil Major?
13:24No thanks.
13:29Complete set of Blackadder, then?
13:32Yeah, OK, I'll take them.
13:34Oh, no, hang on, there's no Blackadder Three, I think I'll leave it.
13:38Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, look around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes.
13:42You're under.
13:43What you see before you is a complete set of Blackadder videos.
13:45There was no Blackadder Three.
13:46Anyway, it's called Blackadder the Third.
13:47Three, two, one.
13:48Blackadder the Third.
13:49Three, two, one.
13:50You're back in the room.
13:52Oh, OK.
13:53Take them.
13:57There you go.
13:58Cheers.
14:00Lovely.
14:01You, er, an art Red Dwarf?
14:04Got the, er, whole first series there, including smeg-ups.
14:08I know, I've got these, I taped them off the telly.
14:12Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, don't look around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes.
14:15You're under.
14:16You're under.
14:17You did not repeat, not tape Red Dwarf off the television, you cheapskate.
14:19Three, two, one.
14:20You're back in the room.
14:23OK, I'll tape those as well.
14:25There you go.
14:30I, er, I see you're a bit of a comedy fan.
14:33How about that?
14:35I know, I saw that, it was rubbish.
14:37Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, don't look around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes.
14:40You're under.
14:41Paul Merton in Gorton & Simpson's The Blood Donor was hilarious and just as funny as when Tony Hancock did it.
14:45Three, two, one.
14:46You're back in the room.
14:47Yeah, don't push your luck, mate.
14:56This man is theatrical producer Sir Michael Craze.
14:59Sir Michael currently has over 3,000 musicals running in the West End.
15:05Here's one for you.
15:07How about a musical version of the film Scum?
15:11Excuse me, I wasn't actually expecting anybody.
15:13Four, seven, three, seven, Carlin, sir.
15:15I'm the daddy round here.
15:18Where's your Espin tool? What Espin tool?
15:20Don't go into the greenhouse, greenhouse, greenhouse.
15:23I'm not actually looking to put anything on at the moment, sir.
15:25I've got another one.
15:26Sea Facts, the musical.
15:28We open on a giant sea fax.
15:30A thousand Vietnamese children come on in rags.
15:33Page one, four, two, weather.
15:35Page two, two, old joke time.
15:37I'm not sure that's quite right for the West End.
15:39A thousand Vietnamese children in rags?
15:41I'm sorry, I'm actually very busy today.
15:43You do need to make a proper appointment.
15:45Did you not get the tape I sent you?
15:46Well, what's your name?
15:47Waterhouse.
15:48Oh, yes.
15:50It was very kind of you, but...
15:51I've got another one.
15:52Musical, the musical.
15:54A giant musical flies in.
15:56A thousand Vietnamese children in rags swarm the stage.
16:01Musical, musical.
16:03You see, that's quite expensive.
16:05One Vietnamese children swarms the stage.
16:08Musical, musical.
16:10No.
16:11Got another one.
16:12How about a musical adaptation of David Baddiel?
16:14No.
16:15Got another one.
16:16Dangerous Liaisons, the musical.
16:18Ah, now you see, this is the sort of thing we're looking for.
16:20This sounds very interesting.
16:21Yeah, I've done a set for it.
16:24So, he comes in here.
16:26Who's this?
16:27The character of the giant hand.
16:29He...
16:30Stay with me.
16:31Stay with me.
16:33Please.
16:34Please.
16:36Meanwhile, at this sexual health clinic in Phan Dui Brevi...
16:44OK.
16:45So, before we give you the test, we do have to ask you a few questions.
16:49Don't worry, it's all confidential, OK?
16:51So, age?
16:5225.
16:53Occupation?
16:54Gay.
16:57Oh.
16:58What do you do?
16:59Oh, I see.
17:00I am an unemployed out gay man.
17:05And how many sexual partners would you say you've had in the past year?
17:15None.
17:19How many would you say you've had in the past five years?
17:23Past five years, you say?
17:26Excluding myself?
17:29Yes.
17:31None.
17:34Have you had any sexual partners?
17:36Oh, no.
17:37No, I'm the only gay in the village, you see.
17:39What, from Phan Dui?
17:40Oh, no.
17:41We've had loads of folk in from there.
17:43I don't think so.
17:45Well, if you haven't had any sexual partners, then I don't think you need the test.
17:49Oh, go on.
17:50Please.
17:51I am a gay, you know.
17:53OK.
17:54Give me your arm.
17:58Make a fist.
18:01Now, you may feel a prick.
18:04But there's a first time for everything.
18:14I just had the test.
18:16I do hope everything's going to be all right.
18:18Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine.
18:21Though, of course, it does just need to be that one time.
18:27Small children in Britain are notoriously stupid and must attend schools.
18:31At Robert Downey Junior School in Area 52, it's prize-giving day,
18:36which is to be hosted by retired athlete Denver Mills.
18:40Oh, Miss Bingley?
18:41This is Dennis Mills?
18:43Denver Mills.
18:44Denver Mills?
18:45The one that won the 400 metre silver?
18:47Los Angeles, 84?
18:48Where's Fatima Redbird?
18:49Guernsey.
18:50Apparently, she had no idea about today.
18:51That's Jane's awful management for you.
18:53Well, you know what you've got to do?
18:54Yeah, do the speech.
18:55Give out the prizes.
18:56Piece of piss.
18:58Do you think I could just have a quick look at your speech?
19:00Yeah, you go ahead, Miss.
19:01I say good afternoon, then I start with a gag.
19:03I say, thank God this is a private school.
19:05If it was a state school, I'd be afraid to park my car outside.
19:07This is a state school.
19:08That's gone.
19:09Steve Cram, remind me.
19:10Crammy?
19:11The Cramster?
19:12Won the 1500 metre gold?
19:14Used a remote start?
19:15I don't think the children are going to remember him, I'm afraid.
19:18Well, shame. It's a very, very funny story,
19:19which ends up with Steve completely covered in...
19:21Covered in?
19:22No, I can't tell. No.
19:24Oh, now this is a great bit. It's quite political.
19:26You see, in my village, where I live,
19:28there's a lot of these so-called asylum seekers...
19:30I don't think that's going to be relevant for here.
19:32Well, it went down very well at the countryside march.
19:34No, sorry.
19:35There's all still asylum seekers.
19:39Ah, now this gag, I may or may not do,
19:42really, depending on how things are...
19:44The French Relay Team, do action.
19:46What's the action?
19:50As I say, that was always in the balances.
19:54Thank you, and I hope you enjoyed the speech.
19:56Is that all right? You've got a problem with that?
19:58No, that's fine.
20:00Right, I'll just go and introduce you.
20:04Good afternoon. Thank you. Enjoyed the speech.
20:07Right then, boys and girls, we have a very special guest.
20:11Please welcome Dennis Mills.
20:15Hello, Jane, it's Denver.
20:17Is it too late to pull out of the school?
20:20With the hospital lift out of order,
20:22Lewis pushed his friend Andy up three flights of stairs.
20:25Oh, what a kerfuffle.
20:27We should get that lift fixed.
20:29What are we doing?
20:30Do you remember Maria, who used to look after you?
20:33Well, she's not been very well, so we're going to take her some flowers.
20:36Then can we go?
20:38Yeah.
20:39I'll go and find out what war she's on.
20:42Oh, excuse me, nurse.
20:43Yes?
20:44Can you tell me where I can find Maria Donnelly, please?
20:46Yes, she's in Griffiths Ward.
20:48It's on the next floor up.
20:49Oh, thanks.
20:51Right, one more flight, I'm afraid.
20:53Oh, no.
20:54Help!
20:58At home in Byright, Eileen is comforting her recently bereaved sister, Janet.
21:03Tell you what, why don't I put the kettle on,
21:05make us both a nice cup of tea.
21:07Yeah.
21:08Lovely.
21:09Would you like a nice biscuit to go with it?
21:11Nice penguin, yeah?
21:12No!
21:15Now, love.
21:16I used to love penguins.
21:18It always makes me think of him.
21:20Oh, yeah.
21:22Yeah, but we'll have it without.
21:23We'll have tea on its own.
21:26Have money in a mug, dear?
21:27No!
21:30Ivor used to have his tea in a mug,
21:32except when he had it in a cup and saucer.
21:34Yeah, I understand, love.
21:36I understand.
21:37But tell you what, it's a lovely day.
21:39Why don't we go outside?
21:40We could go down the shops, couldn't we?
21:41No!
21:45Me and Ivor used to go down the shops
21:48when we needed to buy things.
21:49Yeah.
21:50Yeah, you would have done.
21:51Yeah.
21:52Yeah.
21:53Well, we'll stay in.
21:54I shall get the paper,
21:55and we'll see what's on the telly.
21:56No!
21:59Oh, dear.
22:00Ivor.
22:01Ivor used to watch telly.
22:02Watch telly, yeah.
22:03The news, the sport, the dramas, comedy programmes,
22:06all sorts, really, you know.
22:08He was someone who liked telly, you know.
22:10That was Ivor.
22:11Now, come on.
22:12I thought we'd agreed not to talk about Ivor.
22:14God!
22:15Ivor!
22:16That is the name of Ivor!
22:19Remember, I wanted to call him, but I'd say,
22:21Ivor.
22:22Yeah.
22:23Yeah!
22:25That's the word Ivor used to use
22:27when he wanted to answer in the affirmative,
22:30when he wanted to respond in a casual manner
22:32as an alternative to the more formal yes.
22:41God, silence!
22:42That's what Ivor used to create when he didn't think of it.
22:45I was trying to think of the relationship, yeah.
22:50Over at DIY Universe, the staff were enjoying their tea break.
22:54Hiya, gang!
22:55Wicky Woo!
22:58I'm having an option.
22:59Does anyone want one?
23:03Don't have to go back yet, do we?
23:06Oh, hello.
23:08I don't know you, do I?
23:10No, I'm new.
23:11Wicky Woo, Des K.
23:12Pleased to meet you.
23:13Oh, can I have my hand back, please?
23:15Didn't you used to be on telly?
23:17Well, that's right, yes.
23:19Used to present the Fun Bus.
23:20Yeah, them Bubble Twins do now, yeah.
23:22Do they? Haven't watched it?
23:24Yeah, me little sister loves them.
23:27Let me tell you about the Bubble Twins.
23:30Come on, Kieran, it's time to get back.
23:32We've still got ten minutes!
23:34The Bubble Twins started off in 1986
23:38doing a little bit of my show, Des K.'s Fun Bus.
23:41You remember we used to have this bit,
23:42What's in the custard?
23:44No, I don't think so, no.
23:45You remember it, don't you, Al?
23:46No.
23:47You do, you do.
23:48You're lying, you do.
23:49Come away, Croc.
23:51Well, basically, they used to put the custard.
23:53I never watched it.
23:54Well, good, because they were rubbish.
23:57Then I hear the Fun Bus has been pulled.
24:00Why is that, I hear you ask?
24:02Wasn't it because that girl lost an eye?
24:04No.
24:05Yeah.
24:06Oh, but actually, no, it's because...
24:08Top of the morning, where's me breakfast?
24:10Not now, Croc, I'm talking.
24:13Very rude.
24:17It's because Dicky Bubble is a queer.
24:19How do you know?
24:20Oh, I see him in all the clubs.
24:22And the head of Children's, Robin D., is also queer.
24:24You know, he's got a wife, but he's queer.
24:28And basically, Dicky Bubble said to Robin D.,
24:30I'll fill your slot.
24:32Bum sex.
24:34Hey, Crystal, Des K. out of a job.
24:36So if you don't mind, can we change the subject?
24:40Kettle's boiled.
24:42Thank you.
24:47So, what's everybody doing later?
24:57I said, what's everybody doing later?
25:05Ian?
25:06Yeah?
25:07I've just spoken to Mr. McWhirter,
25:09and he says you're not allowed to use sellotape.
25:12What?
25:14Really?
25:15Apparently not.
25:17It's a shame, I was happy with that.