Frasier S02E03 The Matchmaker
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TVTranscript
00:00Oh, my God! Fire! Fire!
00:07Eddie! Eddie! Where are you, boy?
00:11Dad, wake up! Dad, are you in there?
00:14Eddie! Here, Eddie!
00:16Dad! Dad, where are you?
00:18Have you seen Eddie?
00:19No!
00:20What's burning? Where is the fire?
00:23Eddie!
00:24It's all right! It's all right! False alarm!
00:28The one over my bed went off.
00:31Thank God!
00:32And don't worry about Eddie. He's back in my room.
00:36God, the noise the bloody thing makes!
00:39It would be less upsetting to just wake up on fire.
00:44What the hell triggered it?
00:46Who knows? I was dozing quite peacefully when it started screaming away for no reason at all.
00:56I see. What have we here?
00:59Eddie, you've been smoking in Daphne's bedroom. Bad dog!
01:05I know, I know. You have a no-smoking rule. I'm sorry.
01:10But every now and again, I feel a bit tense, and I find a ciggy can be very soothing.
01:17Oh, yeah, it's real soothing.
01:19It should only be about an hour until my heart stops fibrillating.
01:25Oh, it figures. 3 a.m. Of course, this would happen on the night before I have an early morning meeting.
01:33Daphne, aren't you going back to bed?
01:36No. I'll just sit up for a bit. I'm feeling a bit blue.
01:42Anything you'd like to talk about?
01:44No. No, you need your sleep. It's nothing important.
01:49Just this feeling that my life's a gaping sinkhole, and I'm just marking time while the flower of my youth rots on the vine.
02:01Well, so long as you're sure.
02:09I really wish you'd tell me about it.
02:14Well, if you must know, it's me love life.
02:18Really? You've been seeing a man?
02:21Only when I close my eyes and concentrate.
02:27I see you're going through a bit of a drought, eh?
02:30Small wonder. The rare times I do go out, it's usually with your father.
02:36People see us and assume I'm his daughter or else his girlfriend.
02:41Either way, it's like having my own personal can of stud repellent.
02:49Yes, well, I know how bleak these times can be, but believe me, they come to an end sooner or later.
02:56You know, I remember a time back in Boston. I was going through exactly what you're going through now.
03:01Just a week later, I met a lovely barmaid. Sophisticated, if a bit loquacious.
03:10We fell madly in love. We got engaged.
03:15Of course, she left me standing at the altar, but the point is I didn't give up.
03:21I took my poor, battered heart and offered it to Lilith.
03:30Put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the puree button.
03:37I rebounded, and look how far I've come.
03:41I'm divorced, lonely, living with my father.
03:47You know, I figured I'd find you here. You know, you missed your meeting with the new station manager.
04:12Oh, no, I completely forgot.
04:14God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
04:20Yes, well, I was up all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which of us had the more pathetic love life.
04:26On the bright side, I won.
04:30Well, I know what your problems are. What are Daphne's?
04:34Daphne, well, she's just having trouble finding men.
04:39Say no more?
04:40No, Ross, Ross, no, please, really, it's not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.
04:48Please, I'd be happy to.
04:49Still, one hates to break up a collection.
04:56There you go, a triple espresso and my mocha latte. Do those chocolate shavings look different to you?
05:02No.
05:03Well, they do to me. I think they've switched to an inferior domestic brand.
05:11Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
05:14Waxy.
05:18Spinbockman, he's an aerobics instructor.
05:21I don't think so.
05:23Oh, oh, this one's perfect, Gunther Dietrich. Oh, he's loads of fun and he's a runway model.
05:29A German narcissist, there's an appealing combination.
05:36Okay, okay, I'll keep looking.
05:38Looking for what?
05:39I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.
05:48What?
05:51Here we go, here we go, he's a tennis instructor and his name is Brick.
05:55Dear God, Frasier, Sven, Gunther, Brick.
06:00Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?
06:10Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys.
06:13Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery?
06:19Listen, you little titmouse.
06:23All right, now listen, Niles, you are completely out of line here, and Roz, he does have a point.
06:28You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women.
06:32While Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you're more, well,
06:37a lot more, well, actually be hard-pressed to find anyone who's more...
06:40Oh, I get it.
06:42Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne.
06:45Is that what you're trying to say?
06:46No, that is what I'm trying not to say.
06:49You're not making it very easy.
06:51Well, I'm out of here.
06:52Oh, Roz, please wait.
06:54No, I can't stay.
06:55The fleet is in.
07:08And this concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system.
07:15Had this been a real emergency, your radio would be melting in your hands.
07:26We'll be right back after these messages.
07:38In the future, please keep your disgusting, half-eaten food off my console.
07:43In fact, just stay out of my sight.
07:46You're still mad at me, I can tell.
07:49Oh, there's that keen sensitivity that keeps you in such demand with the ladies.
07:57Look, Roz, I'm sorry if I insulted you earlier, but the truth is I feel very protective about Daphne.
08:04The kind of man I'm looking for has to be good-looking, smart, successful.
08:09Excuse me.
08:11Oh, yes.
08:12I'm Tom Duran, the news station manager.
08:14Oh, Tom.
08:16It's a pleasure to meet you.
08:17I'm so sorry about missing the meeting this morning.
08:20I slept right through it.
08:21Oh, yeah, me too, and I was there.
08:24Say, that's a beautiful tie.
08:26Oh, thank you.
08:27Yes, I got this in London at one of those custom shops.
08:30It's just off of Sloan Square.
08:32You know, I just came from London.
08:34I spent the last five years there working for the BBC.
08:37Really?
08:38Yes, I love London.
08:40The museums, the theatre.
08:42Oh, yeah, I'm a big theatre buff.
08:44Three shows a week.
08:46I hated leaving.
08:47I can imagine.
08:48Why did you?
08:49Well, I just kind of went through a messy breakout.
08:52I thought I'd sleep better with a continent between us.
08:57Yes, I know the feeling.
09:03So, I take it then you are unattached?
09:08Uh, yes, but I haven't given up hope.
09:11Well, you may have come to the right place.
09:15Really?
09:16Yes.
09:18You say you're very fond of the English.
09:20Oh, yes, very much.
09:21You know, I think I've always had a weakness for people who are just a little eccentric.
09:26Really?
09:27Fifteen seconds.
09:28Well, listen, it was nice meeting you.
09:30Likewise, Tom.
09:32Oh, say, Tom, this may sound like short notice, but if you're not busy Saturday,
09:37why don't you come by my place for dinner?
09:39Nothing fancy.
09:40Well, thanks. I'd like that.
09:41Great.
09:45Hello, Seattle. We're back.
09:47Roz, whom do we have up next?
09:50We have James from Tacoma on line one.
09:53Hello, James. I'm listening.
09:58Hey, Roz.
09:59Oh, hey, Tom.
10:01Well, you know, it's the same every job I take. Word spreads like wildfire.
10:06Oh, what's that?
10:08Oh, you know, you tell one or two people you're gay,
10:11and before you can blink, it's all over the station.
10:16Well, they don't call it broadcasting for nothing.
10:22He seems like a nice guy.
10:24Oh, he's okay.
10:26Oh, I hope he's more than okay. He just asked me out on a date.
10:32Oh.
10:37Frasier just asked you out on a date?
10:40Yeah, well, he asked me into his place for dinner.
10:42So I wanted to ask you, is there any particular wine he likes?
10:45Well, listen, Tom, there's something you need to know about Frasier.
10:48What?
10:52He's nuts about Chardonnay.
11:02Does he ask permission first?
11:05Oh, no, he just barges in and says he set me up with God knows who,
11:09and I'm supposed to turn cartwheels like I'm Bloody Cinderella.
11:14Will you please relax?
11:16Look, I told you, this is not a set-up.
11:18Tom doesn't even know you'll be here.
11:20Oh, an ambush, then. Much nicer.
11:25My girlfriends in Manchester used to set me up all the time.
11:28My girlfriends in Manchester used to set me up all the time.
11:31And it was always some gangly bounder with a boarding house reach.
11:35And he wasn't going for the Coleman's hot mustard, if you know what I mean.
11:41Keep in mind that Tom is just a co-worker coming by for a pleasant little dinner.
11:45Some spark should ignite fine, but there is no pressure, absolutely no pressure.
11:50Is that what you're wearing?
11:54Well, what's wrong with it?
11:56Don't you have something with a little more oomph?
11:59I mean, what about that strapless number you have?
12:06Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?
12:11Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact, I do.
12:21Tom, come on in.
12:22Hi, Fraser.
12:23Good to see you.
12:24Oh, I don't know. Something told me you'd like Chardonnay.
12:27Oh, my. That's my favorite.
12:32So, what do you think of the place?
12:34It's a hell of a view.
12:36Even better from the bedroom.
12:45Why don't we just start with a drink?
12:51Oh, four places. Who's joining us?
12:53Oh, well, just my little household.
12:55My father and his physical therapist, charming Daphne.
13:01You live with your dad?
13:03Well, I can't even imagine that.
13:06Well, I mean, I think it's great that you get along so well,
13:09but doesn't having him here kind of put a crimp in your love life?
13:14Oh, not at all, no.
13:15Well, except when I bring my dates home, he tries to steal them.
13:24He's quite the old rascal.
13:29Good evening.
13:30Oh, well, look who we have here.
13:36Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne.
13:39Daphne, this is Tom Duran.
13:41Pleasure to meet you.
13:42Likewise.
13:44Oh, Dr. Crane, you didn't take his coat.
13:46Oh, sorry.
13:47May I?
13:49Oh, this is strange.
13:52I'm picking up a vibration from your coat.
13:55Excuse me?
13:56Yes, well, Daphne feels that she possesses psychic powers.
14:00You know, those English eccentrics.
14:02Oh, you've just been through a very painful break-up, haven't you?
14:07Yes, I have.
14:08Oh, I'm sorry.
14:09Oh, I'm sorry.
14:10Oh, I'm sorry.
14:11Oh, I'm sorry.
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18:43Oh, I'm sorry.
18:44Oh, I'm sorry.
18:45Oh, I'm sorry.
18:46Oh, I'm sorry.
18:47Oh, must be all in my head.
18:50But I sensed that you had a problem with me dating Fraser.
18:53Well, if you must know.
19:07I'm sorry, what was the question?
19:12Do you have some problem with me dating your brother?
19:18No.
19:24Now, now.
19:25I didn't ask hauntedness or he'd end up talking to you all night in the kitchen.
19:29There are others who would like to have crack at him.
19:48Hey, that Tom's a great guy, huh?
19:52You think, uh, maybe him and Daphne, uh...
20:00You know, I can't remember the last time I had such a wonderful evening.
20:04Oh, no, we should be thanking you.
20:06I can't remember when I've laughed so hard.
20:18You've still got Mr. Crane going.
20:23Daphne, I think a little after-dinner music might be appropriate.
20:26Good idea.
20:32She's, uh, quite a woman, isn't she?
20:35Yeah, she's... she's really something.
20:38Uh, Fraser, I was wondering...
20:41Yes?
20:42Do you think before the evening's over we could get a little one-on-one time?
20:49Ooh, I think I can arrange that.
20:58Daphne!
20:59What?
21:00He says he wants to be alone with you.
21:01No!
21:02Yes?
21:03This really is me lucky bride.
21:04Keep the wine flowing, I'll go fix me lips.
21:06Okay.
21:08Yeah, I guess I'd better be hitting the old sack.
21:14I don't want to stand in the way of young romance.
21:19Thanks, Dad.
21:20Good night, Tom.
21:21Good night, Martin.
21:25Matt, I think it's time that you be running along too.
21:28Yes, I must be on my way.
21:29And, Fraser, I must apologize.
21:31I was wrong about Tom.
21:33If I had to choose a man for Daphne, he's the one I'd pick.
21:37Uh, good night, Tom.
21:38Nice to meet you.
21:39Good night.
21:40I'll just show you out.
21:41Fraser, a word in your ear.
21:44Oh, uh, excuse me.
21:49There's something I have to tell you.
21:51Dad wanted to, but I won the coin toss.
22:00Yes, what is it?
22:02I had a little chat with Tom in the kitchen, and he told me
22:05he's interested in pursuing a romantic relationship,
22:08but the object of his affections is not Daphne.
22:11Damn, that Ross!
22:13No, no, no.
22:15It's you.
22:22Me?
22:23Well, that's impossible. Tom's not gay.
22:26He seems to be under that impression.
22:36What on earth could have made him think that I was interested in him?
22:40All I did was ask him if he was attached,
22:42and then we talked about the theater and men's fashions.
22:45Oh, my God.
22:50Niles, do you realize what this means?
22:52Yes, you're dating your boss.
22:55You, of all people,
22:57should know the pitfalls of an office relationship.
23:01You know, he didn't say anything.
23:03He just never mentioned the fact that he...
23:05I'll call you tomorrow, but not too early, of course.
23:09So...
23:11So, what's next?
23:17You know, I don't have a beautiful wife.
23:20And I don't have a pretty husband.
23:22Oh, no, no.
23:23I love you, you know.
23:25I love you.
23:27You're so beautiful.
23:29You're so beautiful.
23:32You're so beautiful.
23:34so so I hate this song you know I've broken my rule for you I usually don't
23:47date guys that work with yes well I sort of relaxed my rule for you too
24:04you're cute when you're nervous
24:14that's what I must be downright adorable now listen Tom I'm sorry but we seem to
24:26have gotten our lines crossed here the truth is I'm entirely straight hey if
24:37you're not interested just say so oh no it's true I really am I just invited you
24:43to dinner because if you seemed so charming and you were so fond of the
24:48British I thought you might be the perfect man for Daphne oh I can't
24:53believe this you really had no idea that I'm gay
25:11don't take this wrong but it never even occurred to me that you might be gay
25:16well it never even occurred to me that you might be straight thank you
25:26geez Tom you know I I feel just awful it seems I've just been leading you on all
25:32night oh it's okay honest mistake yes but I've been pouring your drinks
25:38building up your hopes making you think you might have found a man
25:42sophisticated and sensitive enough to help you I'll learn to love again yes
25:49of course you'll apologize to Daphne for the rest of my days does this mean your
25:57dad's not gay either
26:01oh no dad's not gay but Niles come on
26:16no I'm afraid not so wait a minute this Maris guy he kept mentioning is a woman
26:24well the jury's still out on that one
26:35hey baby I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs oh my
26:44and maybe I seem a bit confused well maybe but I got you pegged but I don't
26:54know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs they're calling again
27:03Frazier has left the building