Frasier Season 2 Episode 21 An Affair To Forg Et
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00:00You're on KACL with Dr. Fraser Crane. We have time for one more call.
00:06Hello, Gretchen? I'm listening.
00:09Well, you see, Dr. Crane, my husband is a fencing instructor,
00:14and lately he spends all his time with his wealthy new student.
00:19He's with her day and night, and I'm afraid there's some...
00:23...boomsent going on.
00:26Well, is this just a suspicion, or do you have any evidence?
00:32No, it's just a feeling.
00:34Well, you know, in these matters, there's no simple way to know for sure.
00:39Yes, there is.
00:44Well, Gretchen, you're in luck.
00:46Just so happens that we have in our studio today
00:49one of the world's five leading boomsent experts.
00:56If you want to know if a man is cheating,
01:00you offer him two choices for dinner,
01:02one that's rich and fattening and one that's light and sensible.
01:06If he picks the one that's calorie-packed,
01:08he doesn't mind turning into a bloated pig,
01:10which means he's happily married and you're in the clear.
01:13You know, Ross, when I hear advice like that,
01:16it makes me wish there was a law against two or more women
01:18gathering at a water cooler.
01:22Now, Gretchen.
01:24Does it really work, Ross?
01:27Oh, trust me.
01:29I'm going to do it.
01:31Thank you for your help, Ross.
01:34Oh, and you too, Dr. Crane.
01:37Don't mention it.
01:39Well, Dr. Crane and friends, we'll be back tomorrow.
01:45Thanks for listening, Seattle.
01:51I know you hate it when I butt into your show.
01:54And yet?
01:57You're going to forgive me when you find out
01:59the wonderful thing I'm doing for you.
02:01See, there's this great woman who lives in my building.
02:04She's beautiful and funny.
02:06No, just stop right there, Ross.
02:08I do not go out on blind dates.
02:10They're demeaning and a hideous waste of time.
02:13No, thank you. No.
02:15It's not for you. It's for your father.
02:17Oh, what time should he pick her up?
02:20Wait a minute. Blind dates are okay for your father, but not for you?
02:24Yes, that also goes for games with balls, domestic beer,
02:27and giant trucks that roll over smaller ones.
02:35So you want to build a three-masted schooner.
02:38Step one, before assembly, take inventory of all parts.
02:42We don't need to read all his instructions.
02:44Yes, we do. It says right here in boldface,
02:46read all instructions.
02:49Just pass me the right side of the hall, will you?
02:52You'll get your hands on that piece at step 16,
02:55and not a moment sooner.
02:57Can we get started here?
02:59Oh, all right, Dad.
03:03So you want to build a three-masted schooner.
03:07Give me that.
03:08You'll put your eye out.
03:11Oh, look at that.
03:14What a beautiful ship.
03:16I bet you'll have fun building that.
03:18Not as much fun as I have in reading about it.
03:21Did I ever mention,
03:23one of me ancestors was a mutineer on the HMS Bounty?
03:27No kidding.
03:28Yeah, well, from what we could gather,
03:30he made it safely to Pitcairn Island,
03:32where he was quite fruitful and multiplied.
03:35You know, for all I know,
03:37You know, for all I know,
03:39there's some girl who looks exactly like me,
03:42running around the South Seas,
03:44frolicking in the surf,
03:46all brown-skinned and bare-breasted.
03:57So you want to build a two-masted schooner.
04:01Schooner? I thought it was a frigate.
04:04No, no, a frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail.
04:06No, no, that's a brigantine.
04:08Oh, you're right. Well, then what's a frigate?
04:11That's when you just don't give a damn anymore.
04:20Hello, all.
04:22Hello, there.
04:23Are you going to be spending the evening with us?
04:25Yes. As much as my Maris misses me,
04:28she feels family comes first.
04:30When she saw this model,
04:31she felt it was the perfect project for me to share with Dad.
04:34You want me to get out of the house, huh?
04:35Like a musty smell.
04:40Oh, Dad, I have a proposal for you.
04:43Seems there's a woman in Roz's building
04:46that'd like to go out with you.
04:49Roz says that she's got a wonderful personality.
04:52Oh, I guess that means I'm the pretty one.
05:00Aw, tell Roz thanks, but no thanks.
05:03Well, I think you're making a mistake.
05:05Trying new things is what keeps us all young and vibrant.
05:09You know, you're right, Daphne.
05:11For weeks, all Maris did for excitement
05:13was float in her sensory deprivation tank,
05:15but now she's taken up fencing,
05:17and I've never seen her more vital.
05:24She stays up late into the evening
05:26working with her instructor.
05:29Maris has a fencing instructor?
05:33Yes. Gunnar was the Bavarian champion
05:36three years running.
05:38He's Bavarian?
05:43You're full of questions I've already given answers to.
05:46Am I?
05:52He doesn't speak a word of English,
05:54so Maris gets to brush up on her German
05:56while she parries and thrusts.
06:01Maris is learning German, huh?
06:03Just when you thought she couldn't get any cuddlier.
06:10Dad, did you take the spanking aft?
06:13Yeah, I pre-glued it for you.
06:15Good job.
06:17Oh, not to worry.
06:19This sort of thing used to happen to me brothers all the time.
06:22I can get that off with some nail polish remover.
06:25Come with me.
06:27So your brothers built a lot of models?
06:29No, actually, I suspect they just sniffed a lot of glue.
06:34You know, that can cause brain damage.
06:36Well, that confirms it.
06:40Dad! Dad!
06:42I have to talk to you about Miles.
06:44I got a call on the show today from a German woman
06:47whose husband is a fencing instructor
06:49that she suspects is having an affair
06:51with his wealthy new client.
06:55And?
06:57Don't you find that the least bit incriminating?
06:59No, I find it a coincidence.
07:02Seattle's a big city.
07:04I'm sure there are a bunch of German fencing instructors,
07:06each one with dozens of students.
07:08Yes, are they wealthy students?
07:10No, they're inner city kids
07:12trying to work their way out of the ghetto
07:14with nothing but a foil and a dream.
07:18Yes, well, in the midst of that slag heap of sarcasm,
07:22I suppose there may be a kernel of truth.
07:25Yes, I could just be...
07:27Let my imagination run away with me.
07:29Just trust me. Forget it.
07:31Come on, help me put this model together.
07:33Oh, my God, you know what?
07:35Remember how Miles used to love these models?
07:38Oh, God, remember that Christmas?
07:40Mom got him the Visible Man and Woman.
07:43He had to glue all of the internal organs in the right place.
07:46All I remember is you two fighting over it.
07:48Yes, well, Miles was getting on my nerves.
07:50I had to go in and steal his ovaries.
07:56Now, there's a conversation.
07:58I'm glad I missed the beginning of.
08:06Sorry I'm late, Roz.
08:08Oh, hey, Frasier.
08:09Did you have a chance to ask your dad about the date?
08:11Yeah, he's not interested.
08:13Oh, darn it.
08:14Pretty got her hopes up.
08:16I don't suppose you'd consider going out with her?
08:18Sorry.
08:19I've had my quota of pity dates.
08:22Yes, but this time you wouldn't be the one being pitied.
08:29Oh, listen, we have a great call to start the show off with.
08:32Get this.
08:33The guy on line three just found out that his girlfriend is his long-lost sister.
08:37Wow.
08:39Oh, yeah, and that German woman called back about her husband's affair.
08:42Gretchen!
08:43Yeah?
08:44I want her first.
08:45Are you kidding?
08:46What am I supposed to say to the guy who's dating his sister?
08:48Just tell him to hang on and relax.
08:50We've all been there.
08:53Hello, Seattle.
08:54This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL.
08:57Let's get right to the phones.
08:59Rose?
09:00We have Gretchen calling back about her husband's affair.
09:03She thinks she has more evidence.
09:05Hello, Gretchen.
09:06I'm listening.
09:07Oh, Dr. Crane.
09:09I took Rose's advice and gave my husband two choices for dinner,
09:15and he picked the diet plate.
09:19But that is no proof that he's having an affair.
09:21But Gunnar has a healthy appetite.
09:24No, no, no.
09:25The proof is phone bills, credit card receipts.
09:29Gunnar?
09:36I also found a love letter he wrote to her.
09:39And how long were you going to keep that a secret, Gretchen?
09:41Come on.
09:42Work with me here.
09:43What does it say?
09:45Come on.
09:46Work with me here.
09:47What does it say?
09:52I'm sorry.
09:53I don't speak German.
09:54It means, my little liver dumpling.
09:59That used to be his pet name for me.
10:02Well, maybe he's writing to you.
10:04It can't be me.
10:06He says he loves her beautiful little body.
10:10As thin as his sword and her skin as white as broadwurst.
10:14And that she is not a human woman.
10:20Then what is that?
10:22I don't know if there's a word in English.
10:25The closest translation is not quite human woman.
10:37Oh, dear God, it is her.
10:39What should I do?
10:41I don't know.
10:42I need time to think.
10:44Let's go to commercial.
10:52Hello, we're back.
10:53Gretchen, I have considered your problem.
10:56And I believe that what you must do is confront your husband and insist that he end this affair.
11:01But what if he won't?
11:03But he has to.
11:04Look, innocent people are being hurt.
11:06Remind him of how much he means to you, of all your years together.
11:09Are there children?
11:10No.
11:11Ahem.
11:14Still, still, it must be a clean break.
11:16He must never ever see this woman again and not even accidentally.
11:20We never had these problems back home.
11:23Well, maybe that's why you should return to the loving bosom of Bavaria.
11:28How did you know we were from Bavaria?
11:35Well, you see, I'm a master of dialect.
11:39I noticed there was a glottal quality to the occlusion of your diphthongs.
11:46But I'm originally from Austria.
11:48Look, do you want to split hairs? You want your husband back.
11:53Gretchen, I'm afraid it's time for another commercial.
11:56Another commercial?
11:57Yes, Rose, another commercial.
12:03What is going on?
12:05I bet you think there's something going on.
12:09Well, when the person giving advice sounds crazier than the person calling in,
12:14I think there's something going on.
12:18Nothing's going on.
12:19Wait a minute. You know who the liver dumpling is, don't you?
12:26All right, yes.
12:28But it's nobody you know. Her husband's a good friend of mine's.
12:31Oh, how can I tell him? He'll be crushed.
12:34Well, you don't tell the person being cheated on.
12:36You confront the person who's doing the cheating.
12:38Didn't they teach you anything at Harvard?
12:42I can't do that.
12:44Oh, it's easy, Frasier.
12:45You just tell her you know she'd been mattress surfing with some other guy,
12:49and if she doesn't knock it off, you'll tell her husband.
12:53It's just, it's not that easy. You don't know this woman.
12:56She doesn't deal with confrontation very well.
12:58I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal.
13:01An hour later, we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on her golf cart.
13:07Whoa, it's Maris.
13:22Mrs. Crane is in the box.
13:24Mrs. Crane is in the box.
13:26Maris, this is Frasier.
13:29I am tired of waiting for you to come out of this ridiculous deprivation tank.
13:32Now listen, we've got to talk, and we've got to talk about Niles.
13:37Will you come out of there?
13:41Look, Maris,
13:45I know that you're happy,
13:47and I know that you're happy,
13:49and I know that you're happy,
13:51and I know that you're happy,
13:54I know that you're having an affair,
13:58but I care for you both,
14:00and I want to help you do what's best for your marriage.
14:06Oh, will you stop this?
14:10Just come, come out of this box.
14:13All right, all right.
14:15I'm going to open this door.
14:17I'm going to count to three, and I don't care if you're naked.
14:21I'm going to count to ten.
14:26Oh, the hell with this. All right.
14:42Niles, I'm so sorry.
14:45Marta, you said Mrs. Crane was in the box.
14:49Si, Mr. Crane.
14:51No, that's Mr. Crane.
14:54Marta has trouble with her pronouns.
15:05I'm worried about him. He's always been such a sensitive kid.
15:09You're right, Dad.
15:10Maybe it's wise for us not to let on how worried we are.
15:13It'll only add to his anxiety.
15:15Yeah, you're right.
15:16If we coddle him, he'll think this is the end of the world.
15:19Yeah.
15:25Hello, Niles.
15:26Hi, son.
15:30Oh, it's okay.
15:32It's okay, Niles. Come on.
15:36It's all right.
15:40Oh, now, you were all here for your son.
15:43My little brother, yeah.
15:46Yeah, uh, Frazier, pour him a glass of brandy.
15:48Yes, yes, yes.
15:50Oh, God, you know, I'm all out of brandy.
15:53I have a marvelous sherry here, a couple of fine ports.
15:57Oh, and this lovely new bottle of 12-year-old unblended scotch.
16:01It's a little bit peaty.
16:03Just pour him a drink.
16:07What happened, son?
16:08Uh, nothing.
16:11Nothing?
16:12Well, when I left, you were about to storm up to Maris' room and have it out with her.
16:16I know, and with every step, I thought of another question to fire at her,
16:21but when I reached her door, I froze.
16:24I turned around, walked out of the house, got in the car, and just started driving.
16:28Well, I'm glad you ended up here.
16:32Actually, I ended up at the Oregon border check.
16:38I had fruit in the car, so I had to turn back.
16:47What am I going to do? She's my whole life.
16:50You know, Niles, Maris may have temporarily succumbed to Gunnar's Teutonic charms,
16:57but in the end, I'm sure she'll choose the man who's intelligent and sensitive.
17:04Oh, Fraser, that's just something we used to tell ourselves in chess club.
17:10The truth is, women don't want men like us, men of intellect.
17:13They want men of action, men like Gunnar.
17:16Yes, but, you know, this has nothing to do with Gunnar and everything to do with you and Maris.
17:21Do you remember the advice you gave me when I was having my problems with Lilith?
17:26You said that I should talk to her and find out why she did what she did.
17:31Well, I did.
17:35You said that I should talk to her and find out why she did what she did.
17:40Well, if it's one thing to give advice, it's another to take it.
17:44Hey, hey, hey, Fras, didn't you and Lilith write a bunch of articles together once about the keys to a successful marriage?
17:53Yes, we did.
17:54Well, maybe it'll help your brother to read them right now.
17:57Well, all right, all right.
18:00You know, I've only got half of them, though. Lilith's got the rest, and then we'll settle them.
18:07Now, listen, now that we got rid of the foghorn, here's the way you're going to handle it.
18:12Now, you remember something like this happened between your mother and I, right?
18:16Right.
18:17Right. Well, the way I handled it was I took it up with the other man.
18:20I told him if it ever happened again, it'd be the other woman.
18:26There was a lot more that we had to do to keep our marriage together, but at least that let your mother know how much I cared for her.
18:35What would you have me do, grab Gunnar by the scruff of the neck and escort him out of my house?
18:39Yeah, why not?
18:40Well, I've been fantasizing about it.
18:43It's just not me, though.
18:45Although, maybe it should be me.
18:48No, no, no, I've got to speak to Meris eventually.
18:51Although, if I do it your way, I'm going at it from a position of strength.
18:57I'm going to do it, Dad.
18:59Meris has fencing practice tonight, but it's Gunnar who's going to be taught a lesson.
19:03That's my boy. You sure you're up to it?
19:06Yes, I am.
19:08I'm pumped, I'm psyched, and I'm fairly certain I just swallowed an entire twist of lemon.
19:16Did I just hear Niles leave?
19:18Yeah, he went to straighten out that Gunnar guy.
19:21God, Dad, how could you let him go?
19:23What if this Gunnar guy doesn't want to get straightened out? What if he wants to fight?
19:26Well, that's all right. It's still better this way. At least he's found his manhood.
19:30I'll tell you, I'd be happy if Niles traded in a couple of teeth for his cojones.
19:41I've got to stop walking in on the middle of conversations.
19:51There you are.
19:53Yes, I'm talking to you, strudel boy.
19:58No one seduces my wife and gets away with it.
20:02You probably thought, because of my refined bearing and swimmer's build,
20:05that I wouldn't put up a fight for the woman I love.
20:08But you're dead wrong, because real men have a thing called honor.
20:13Yow!
20:15You wouldn't know about that, would you?
20:16Niles.
20:17You wouldn't know how decent people behave?
20:19Niles.
20:20You wouldn't know the meaning of the word rectitude?
20:22Niles, he wouldn't know the meaning of the word dog, cat, or pencil.
20:25He doesn't speak English, remember?
20:28Why is he so mean?
20:30I don't know.
20:33Marta.
20:38Marta.
20:41Marta.
20:44Can you speak German?
21:02Apparently she worked for a German family that turned up in Guatemala.
21:06Just after the war.
21:08Well, well, good, good. She can translate for me.
21:11Tell her.
21:12No, no, wait, Niles.
21:13Tell her, Niles.
21:14Just wait.
21:15What?
21:16Look at him.
21:17God, if he knew you were calling him strudel boy,
21:19he'd be wabbing his feet on your face.
21:21Hang that, Frazer.
21:22If there are going to be scuffs, there'll be scuffs of honor.
21:24How dare you steal my wife?
21:27Translate.
21:29All right.
21:31Senor Crane, Canary Island.
21:34All right.
21:36Senor Crane, Canary Island.
21:37Questions to Gunnar.
21:40How dare you steal my shoes?
21:47Vice versa.
21:48Take my shoes off.
21:56All right, fine.
21:57You want to challenge me?
22:00On guard.
22:01Oh, yes, Niles.
22:02That's just what we need.
22:03A fourth language.
22:08Niles, you can't possibly fight this man.
22:11You forgetting?
22:12I've been fencing since prep school.
22:14Yes.
22:15Oh, so what?
22:16The man was obviously born with a sword in his hand.
22:18He probably performed his own cesarean.
22:26Oh, my God, he's going to kill me.
22:32Perfect nougat.
22:33Perfect nougat.
22:50Oh, very nice, very nice.
22:53Thank you.
23:01Oh.
23:04No.
23:06No.
23:29Ha, ha, ha.
23:36Huh?
24:01Are you all right?
24:03Oh.
24:09Is he giving up?
24:13He says he wants you to apologize.
24:15He didn't steal your shoes.
24:29My shoes?
24:30Yes, I'm sorry.
24:33Apparently, I mistranslated.
24:38He didn't mean, uh, not shoes, wife.
24:41Uh, no zapatos, uh, esposa.
24:51Frau?
25:03Unwiderstehlich.
25:09He couldn't help himself.
25:10Maris is irresistible.
25:11Irresistible.
25:16Ja.
25:17Si.
25:18Okay.
25:26Oh, but she refused him.
25:27Really?
25:32Oh, my God.
25:37Wait.
25:38What did Maris say?
25:48You are my Niles.
25:49I love Niles.
25:50She loves you.
25:51Oh.
25:53Oh, she loves me.
25:54My Maris is whole.
25:59Give me five seconds, then tell him he's fired.
26:01Maris!
26:04Oh, God.
26:05If only I could do something to help Gunnar and Gretchen.
26:08Gretchen?
26:09Ja, ja.
26:11Tell him that his wife loves him very much.
26:13I mean...
26:24Schwein, no, no, not me.
26:26You, you.
26:27Martha, damn your pronoun problems.
26:30Oh, Martha, damn your problems.
26:36Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
26:39Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:43Oh, my
26:45And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:48Well, maybe
26:49But I got you pegged
26:54But I don't know what to do
26:56With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
27:01They're calling again
27:04Frasier has left the building