Frasier Season 2 Episode 15 You Scratch My Bo Ok
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00:00I still say when some guy grabs your parking space, you don't just sit there, you say something.
00:08Dad, when a man has no front teeth and stitches on his nose, I think it's safe to assume he's sensitive to criticism.
00:15What's this?
00:18Oh, must be one of those inspirational tapes that Daphne's always listening to.
00:24Oh, my God. Here, have a rainbow by Dr. Honey Snow.
00:30Daphne, how can you listen to this stuff? It's absolute drivel.
00:33Yeah, well, for someone who writes drivel, she's awfully popular.
00:36Oh, really? Fancy that. She tells everyone that they're perfectly wonderful and that nothing wrong is ever their fault.
00:43Well, you know, they like it.
00:46There's a lot more to it than that. You should try reading one of her books.
00:50Yes, well, I have. Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.
01:01Oh, Niles, what wields this pleasure? Embrace yourself, kids. It's raffle time.
01:07Oh, good luck. Yeah.
01:09Afraid so. Oh, ye gods, who's been plumbing the shallows of Dr. Honey Snow?
01:15I have.
01:17Insightful, isn't she?
01:22Anyway, tickets are only $10. It all goes to support Maris Little Opera Group.
01:27Dear God, what is the grand prize this year?
01:31Their lead soprano, Mrs. Fitzgibbons, will come to your home and perform the Ride of the Valkyries.
01:39We've sold 800 tickets, so the risk is pretty minimal.
01:45All right. In return, let me offer you a hot stock tip.
01:50Vector Comp Software. Wendell assures me they can't miss.
01:53Who's Wendell?
01:54My new broker. Every stock he's put me onto has paid off. The man is positively clairvoyant.
02:01You know, I've got a bit tucked away. Maybe I ought to take a little chance with your Wendell.
02:08I should warn you, it's not a sure thing.
02:10Nothing in life is a sure thing, but Dr. Snow has a little saying.
02:15Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
02:20She'd better copyright that before some unscrupulous hack steals it.
02:27I'll go in for 500. That's a lot for me, but I don't know. I have a little feeling I'm in for a bit of luck.
02:35All right. I'd better get ready. I'm off to the boat, Nolk.
02:40Dr. Snow is signing copies of a new bestseller.
02:43Wait a minute. You're going out? What about my Whirlpool therapy?
02:46Oh, right. I forgot.
02:50Maybe you could go to the book signing for me, Dr. Crane. It's right around the corner from the station.
02:57I would sooner attend a hoedown.
03:04I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.
03:13What's the big deal?
03:14I have my reputation to think of.
03:17What's the big deal?
03:20All right. Make you all happy to see me humiliate myself.
03:24I always get a kick out of it.
03:27If I was ever so.
03:31Look, everyone. Eddie has found his inner puppy.
03:46I promise this will just take a minute.
03:48I hope so. I barely got an hour for lunch.
03:52Oh, God. Not another one of those honey snow books.
03:57Don't change. You're perfect.
04:00Can you believe people go for this junk?
04:03It's unbelievable. Get her autograph for me, will you?
04:11She's sitting right behind those people over there. Just go get it signed, and then we'll get out of here, go have a nice lunch at Le Cigar Volant.
04:17Me? Why don't you do it?
04:19I have my reputation to think of.
04:21What's the big deal?
04:31Oh, it's wonderful, isn't it?
04:36I just love what she says about finding a moment each day to stop and give yourself a mental hug.
04:45I'm giving myself one now.
04:48Really?
04:51Well, actually, it's more of a Heimlich maneuver.
04:56Got it.
04:58Good, good. Let's buy it and get out of here.
05:00No, no, not so fast.
05:02She wants to meet you.
05:04Ross, I don't want to meet the woman. Let's just go.
05:06Uh, Fraser, do you know what honey snow looks like?
05:09What difference could that make? The woman stands for everything that I find totally...
05:17Enchanting.
05:20Hello. I'm Dr. Honey Snow.
05:23Hello. I'm Dr. Honey Snow.
05:25And I'm...
05:27Wait, don't tell me, uh, Dr. Fraser Crane.
05:31Uh, Dr. Crane, let me shake your hand.
05:34Uh, what am I saying?
05:36Hug.
05:37Why not?
05:42After all, a handshake is just a hug for Frady cats.
05:47No fear here.
05:52I am one of your biggest fans.
05:54And I've recently become one of yours.
05:59I think the advice you give is so brilliant, yet so simple.
06:05Well, what about those mental hugs of yours?
06:10Can't get much simpler than that.
06:13You know, I think I'll just go get started on my appetizer.
06:17Oh, yes, you start without me. All I really want is a little nibble.
06:20Oh, tell me.
06:24You know, I really should get back to my signing, but I'd love to talk more.
06:28There seems to be such a positive energy between us.
06:33My publisher's giving me a dinner tonight at seven at Bianchi's.
06:37Would you come as my guest?
06:40I'd love to.
06:41Oh, that's great.
06:43Well, it was nice meeting you, Dr. Snow.
06:45Oh, please, it's honey.
06:51It certainly is.
07:03Good evening, Dr. Crane.
07:04Good evening, Daphne.
07:06Dad.
07:08Watching the sport of kings, I see.
07:10Which horse did you wager on?
07:12Joe's dream, number eight.
07:14Goodness, seems to be taking a serene, almost Buddhist approach to the race.
07:25Perhaps you should have invested in something more reliable, like Vectorcom software.
07:31I was stuck. Did it go up a bit?
07:34No, it went up a lot.
07:36Thanks to a takeover bid, it gained 40% overnight.
07:40Wendell advised selling. So, voila, your original 500 plus 200 profit.
07:47200? Oh, Dr. Crane, I could kiss you.
07:57Well, that's a nice little debit, then.
08:00I'll say.
08:04You have to help me decide what to do with it.
08:07Well, you might want to consider letting Wendell reinvest it. That's what I'm doing.
08:11It's called rolling it over.
08:13Then I'll do it.
08:16This is so exciting.
08:18What's all this?
08:19Well, your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
08:35Niles?
08:36Communications breakdown.
08:37Good.
08:41What are you all dressed up for? Hot date?
08:44As a matter of fact, yes.
08:46With whom?
08:47Dr. Honey Snow.
08:51Ever occur to you that I might not want Niles to know who I'm dating?
08:54Sure, Dad, right before I said it.
09:02You're dating Dr. Honey Snow? I thought you considered her a complete ninny.
09:07What could you possibly see in this ho-ho mama?
09:15What hell of a kid shrink, huh? Not a man alive wouldn't let her analyze his dreams.
09:21Analyze them. She could star in them.
09:31Yes, yes, but what on earth do you say to her when she wants to discuss her work?
09:35Well, I just simply skirt the issue.
09:39Of course. Honey, I think your books are just... Oh, look, the waiter's on fire.
09:47You're just jealous. Not half as jealous as you're about to be.
09:52I suggest you get a coaster for your lower lip.
09:58Hi, honey.
09:59Hi, honey.
10:00Hi, honey.
10:02Allow me to make the introductions.
10:04Uh, Daphne Moon, Honey Snow, Honey Snow, Daphne Moon, she's a big fan of yours.
10:10Oh, hug.
10:14We've both got sort of unusual names, Daphne Moon, Honey Snow.
10:19Come to think of it, if you married my father, your name would be Honey Moon.
10:30My father, Martin Crane.
10:32Oh, hello. Well, it's easy to see where Fraser gets his good looks.
10:36Oh, get out of here.
10:41And last but not least, my brother, Niles.
10:45Oh, Dr. Niles Crane. I read a wonderful article you wrote in the Journal of Psychiatric Medicine.
10:52Let's see, gestalt therapy, probing the subconscious.
10:56Yes, and I believe I read your quiz in Cosmo, is your guy a stud or a dud?
11:07Perhaps we should be going.
11:09Well, actually, not yet. I have something I want to give you.
11:12Oh?
11:13It's a manuscript of my upcoming book.
11:16Oh, another one? So soon?
11:21I hope you like it, Fraser, because if you do, I'd love for you to write the foreword.
11:26Me? Who better?
11:33Well, actually, there are so many other people that would be more qualified to write for such an important work.
11:42Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think you didn't want to do it.
11:46Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's a great honor.
11:49I'll say. The last book had an introduction by Mickey Roney.
11:53Wow.
11:58Well, there's no two ways about it, then. I'm writing that foreword.
12:02Oh, that's great. Just sleep by next fall.
12:06There'll be half a million copies in print with your name right on the cover.
12:10I've got my Christmas shopping done.
12:26Will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
12:29I can't help it if you read this.
12:32I'm trying to recommend the book. Reading it doesn't help.
12:39Okay, here. How's this?
12:42Many great volumes have been written about human behavior.
12:46And I can honestly say, without fear of contradiction, that this book can stand on the shelf next to any of them.
13:02No good, is it?
13:04No, no, but this is. You don't have to be a star to twinkle.
13:13Frazier, I need a hug.
13:17Miles, will you please help me?
13:21Honey asked me to write this foreword two weeks ago. She's got a deadline. She's been wondering where it is.
13:26Time is a concept known only to one of God's creatures, man. Just for today, be a sunflower.
13:33Oh, give me that!
13:38Miles, you just don't understand what's at stake here.
13:42I've never felt this way about a woman before.
13:45I'm out of control. Her effect on me is...
13:49There's no words to describe it, really. It's more like a sound.
14:00Talking about honey again?
14:04Yes. Frankly, I find it laughable that you're even considering putting your name on 500,000 copies of this piffle.
14:12Not even piffle. It's piffle light.
14:18Oh, lay off your brother. Some women have a gift for making guys do stupid things.
14:25When I was on traffic duty, there was this one cute little redhead. She could talk her way out of any ticket.
14:31She could be doing 90 with a school crossing guard spreading on her hood.
14:37She'd flash that pouty little smile, and no matter what my partner would say, I'd just wag my finger at her and send her on her way.
14:46Yes. It's the old good cop, horny cop routine.
14:56Oh, good. You're all here. I want to show off my new coat.
15:01Ooh, very nice, Daphne.
15:03Yes, I've been spending like a drunken yuppie.
15:09Oh, I'm afraid I went a bit over my budget.
15:12Well, if it's cash flow you're concerned about, you should know I got a little call from Wendell today.
15:17What, again? What's that, four times in two weeks?
15:20Yes, the man's a wizard. Daphne, your profit.
15:25Oh, $400. Oh, Dr. Green. And here's one for Wendell.
15:37Did I mention Wendell has a secretary?
15:42Well, I'd say this calls for a celebration.
15:45Tell you what, I'll take you all out for a nice dinner, my treat.
15:49I'll just go and put on my new dress and we'll be off.
15:52I want you to put on your new shirt with your brown corduroy slack.
15:56Hey, if you're buying, I'm going to wear elastic waist pants and no belt.
16:06Well, Miles, that broker of yours, he's a marvel.
16:11Yes, he's doing wonderful things for me.
16:14He is.
16:16I'd say so. I've been so impressed with his willing streak lately that I asked Daphne what her latest pick was and I invested a few hundred myself.
16:25Really? Well, congratulations.
16:29Thank you, but it's just one thing, though. It's very hard to figure out.
16:34Although I invested in the very same stock that Daphne did, mine declined and hers went up.
16:46How do you explain that?
16:48Obviously, one of us is lying, Frasier.
16:55What are you up to?
16:58Fess up, Miles. This whole stock thing was alive from the get-go.
17:02No, no, no, that's not true. The first stock really did pay off, but then the rest all tanked.
17:07And what was I supposed to do? Tell that poor working-class Venus I'd lost her life savings?
17:14I had to pay her back, and if I threw in a little extra, well, where's the harm in that?
17:18Miles, you are giving a woman money in order to obtain physical affection. We're talking about the world's oldest profession.
17:26Granted, this is sort of the Walt Disney version, but still.
17:32It's wrong. I insist you stop it.
17:34No, it's altruistic, it's noble, it's fun, and you can't make me stop.
17:40Now, Dr. Green, I want you to take this $400 back and buy whatever Wendell says.
17:47Consider it done.
17:49Miles, I've been thinking I should get on that gravy train myself.
17:58Tell Wendell I'm in for $10,000.
18:01Good Lord, $10,000, Dr. Green?
18:04Well, just think of the dinner I'll be able to buy when Niles brings me my profits.
18:11Ah, what the hell? Put me down for a couple of hundred. This guy's some kind of genie.
18:17Yes, he's a real treasure, isn't he?
18:20I only hope those chest pains he was complaining about this morning turn out to be indigestion.
18:27So, shall we go then? I've decided I'm Farmer Jack's chicken, chicken, chicken.
18:33I hear the chicken there is very good.
18:38Are you coming?
18:39No, you two run along. I'll take my car.
18:45Well, I hope you're happy.
18:50Snap out of it. What you were doing was completely dishonest.
18:53Oh, sit the pot to the kettle.
18:55What is that supposed to mean?
18:56I think you know what it means.
18:58Oh, so don't be ridiculous. Our two situations are totally different.
19:02Oh, really? How so?
19:04Well, for one thing, you've been misleading a woman for your own selfish gain.
19:07And so are you.
19:08Well, I'm not finished. She was also trusting you to tell the truth.
19:11Oh, and the difference would be?
19:13Your woman is English.
19:19Frasier, you've lost this one.
19:21I know. I know.
19:24It's just going to take a little while to climb down off of this particular high horse.
19:38I think you know what you have to do.
19:41Yes.
19:46I have to tell her I can't write the foreword.
19:50Oh, Niles.
19:53And I have to say goodbye to the chance of ever sleeping with absolute perfection.
20:01Oh, Niles.
20:04Where, oh, where will I ever have the chance again to gaze upon such extraordinary, proud, supple breasts?
20:20Not to worry, brother.
20:23That's the manager's special at Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.
20:38That was a wonderful dinner. Thank you.
20:40Yes, well, thank you for the fabulous table. I think hugging the maitre d' really clinched it.
20:48Did you care for a nightcap?
20:50Sure.
20:52You know, you seemed a little tense all evening, but I've just the thing.
20:58It's a sandalwood candle.
21:01The scent is guaranteed to calm you down.
21:10You better fire up about ten of those.
21:21You know, there's something I'd really like to talk to you about.
21:24It's about that foreword I've been trying to write for you.
21:29Can we not talk about work tonight, Fraser?
21:32I've been chained to my desk all day researching an article I'm doing on sexual intimacy.
21:39I'm up to here with the joy of sex, Kama Sutra, Masters and Johnson.
21:45Really?
21:47I feel like I've been reading recipes all day.
21:53Only there are no groceries in the house.
21:57Well, your bag boy has arrived.
22:08No, no, no, no, no. I really need to discuss this now.
22:14Oh, you. You're such a workaholic.
22:18I only hope you're this tireless about everything.
22:24Oh, I don't think you'll have any complaints.
22:28No, no, no, no. I've got to focus on the subject at hand.
22:34Tonight, I am the subject at hand.
22:45No, no, honey. I can't do it.
22:48Oh, well, that's all right. I have a candle for that, too.
22:51No.
22:55No, I can't write the foreword.
22:59Why not?
23:01Well, I had.
23:04I just didn't think it was a very good book.
23:08I think the world of you and I wish you the greatest success.
23:13I didn't think the book was good enough to put my name on it.
23:19I guess I'll be going now.
23:24I am so attracted to you right now.
23:32Most men are so eager to have sex, they'll say anything to a woman.
23:37How great to meet a man who would risk rejection rather than be dishonest.
23:43Well, I have to be true to my inner voice.
23:57You know, frankly, I thought the book was weak myself.
24:00I rushed it to meet a deadline.
24:03I'm so glad you respected me enough to be honest.
24:09I think honesty is the greatest aphrodisiac of all.
24:15I hope you feel you can be just as honest with me.
24:18Oh, I do, I do.
24:21Tell me everything. I don't want us to hide anything.
24:24Oh, I thought your chapter titles were clumsy and jejun.
24:30Oh, you're too...
24:32You use way too much French in everyday conversation.
24:36I think that sandalwood stinks.
24:43Oh, when you talk about wine, I wish I had a gun.
24:51I thought your first three books were trite and saccharine.
24:57It's your turn, honey.
25:03Honey?
25:09I am immensely proud of my first three books.
25:14As well you should be.
25:17You thought they were trite.
25:19Oh, well, I meant trite in its best sense, as in the phrase trite and true.
25:32And what about saccharine?
25:34I love saccharine. Use it every day.
25:37Well, I'm glad you like saccharine, darling.
25:42Because there's no way you're getting any honey.
25:52Good night, Frasier.
25:59Honey, I'm sorry, I really am.
26:07Could we try one of your forgiveness exercises?
26:13Good night, Frasier.
26:15Hug?
26:19You know, a poet once said something about the world that I think applies to our relationship.
26:25It ends not with a bang, but with a whimper.
26:37Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling, tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:43Quite stylish.
26:45And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:48Well, maybe.
26:49But I got you pegged.
26:54But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
27:01They're calling again.
27:04Good night!