Frasier Season 3 Episode 9 Frasier Grinch
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00:00Is it just me, or are the sidewalk Santas getting pushy?
00:07Well, tomorrow is Christmas. Suppose they might be anticipating a certain downturn after that.
00:14Cappuccino, please.
00:17So, when does Frederick arrive?
00:21In six hours and twenty-one minutes. Not that I'm the least bit excited.
00:26I'm sure he's excited, too. First Christmas at Daddy's.
00:30I imagine he has visions of sugar plums dancing through his head.
00:33No, Lilith doesn't allow sweets. He's probably got visions of bran.
00:40Well, I've got my own reason to celebrate.
00:44Maris and I may be together again by the New Year.
00:47Oh, really, Niles?
00:48Yes, yes. I called this morning to arrange the delivery of her Christmas gifts.
00:53And she said the only gift she'd accept from me was an abject apology.
00:58Well, you caved into her, didn't you?
01:00Au contraire. I told her I was not about to apologize.
01:05And from that point on, the respect in her voice came through loud and clear.
01:10No small feat, considering she was speaking at the time through the hole in her massage table.
01:19Hey, double espresso, please.
01:22This last-minute Christmas shopping is killing me.
01:25I never know what to give the men in my life.
01:28Since when?
01:33Funny man.
01:35Excuse me. I'll take care of this.
01:37Oh, thank you, Niles.
01:39So, what's new, Niles?
01:42I had been keeping it under wraps, but Maris and I have separated.
01:48Oh, my God!
01:51I had no idea. I can't believe no one told me.
01:55This is such a surprise.
01:57That's enough, Tallulah.
02:01I'm not fooling anyone.
02:04I'm sorry, sir. Your card didn't clear. I have to do this.
02:09Wait! What are you doing?
02:12The computer said credit canceled by order of co-signatory.
02:19Maris has canceled your credit card.
02:22Whoa! Merry Christmas!
02:26Would you care to use a different one?
02:28There's no point. They're all in her name.
02:31I'm calling her right now and demanding the restoration of my credit card,
02:35my bank account,
02:37and my phone service.
02:41Doc, I'm at the airport, and I'm having a lot of trouble getting on the plane.
02:47No, Bob. Statistics prove that we're safer in the air than on the ground.
02:52No, that's not it.
02:54I'm supposed to be flying home to Newark for Christmas,
02:57but the next gate over has a flight to Maui.
03:00I'm telling you, it's calling me, Doc.
03:03Why are you hesitant to go home?
03:06Because it's the same thing every year.
03:09I travel 3,000 miles to sit down at the dinner table with my family,
03:13and what do we talk about?
03:15What's going on in our lives?
03:17No.
03:18Our hopes and dreams?
03:19No.
03:20We talk about the turkey.
03:22Boy, that's quite a bird.
03:2424-pounder!
03:26What time did you have to get up in the morning?
03:2924-pounder!
03:31What time did you have to get up to put that in the oven, Ang?
03:35Oh, boy, that's moist.
03:37You must have been basting that bird all day.
03:40Are those walnuts in the stuffing?
03:44Oh, God, I forgot to put the rolls in the oven.
03:49I guess what I'm trying to say, Bob,
03:51is that we're all in the same gravy boat.
03:56But, you see, the important thing is that we spend time with our loved ones.
04:01Just think how you'd feel if you woke up tomorrow morning
04:046,000 miles away from your home.
04:08Wow.
04:09Now, you know, that really puts it in perspective, Doc.
04:12I got a plane to catch.
04:14A-lick-a-licky-mock-a, Bob.
04:20We'll be right back after these messages.
04:25Oh, Roz, what did they say? What did they say?
04:27Oh, relax. Frederick's flight is still on time.
04:30He'll be here in less than three hours.
04:32Oh, and the florist called and you can pick up your wreath on your way home.
04:35Oh, fabulous.
04:36You know, every year, Dad puts that kitschy creature
04:39with the red light bulb nose on the door.
04:43Hey, great party!
04:45Best one ever, thanks to me.
04:47I hired a stripper.
04:49Doc, you will never guess what her name is.
04:54Andy Cain.
04:58What are the odds?
05:03For those of you who have not yet sampled the punch,
05:06here is my capsule review.
05:09Vile bouquet, unwholesome color, ghastly taste,
05:14and a kick that is simply heaven.
05:20Okay, 30 seconds, Frazier. Out.
05:22Out, please.
05:23Hey, Roz, you know what's over my head?
05:26Almost any clever remark.
05:31What's she mean by that?
05:36Oh, listen, Roz, I know you've got a plane to catch
05:39and the traffic to the airport is probably very bad,
05:42so in the spirit of the Christmas season,
05:45why don't you just take off early?
05:47You're going to read one of your inspirational Christmas fables again, aren't you?
05:51Yes, I am.
05:52Yeah.
05:53It would be a lot easier without you sitting over there
05:55sticking your finger in your throat.
05:56Right.
05:57Merry Christmas.
05:58Merry Christmas, Roz.
06:00Say hi to Frederick.
06:01Yes, and say hi to your mom for me.
06:03Will do.
06:04Okay.
06:05Hi, we're back.
06:07As most of my faithful listeners know,
06:10every year I compose a parable that I hope will illuminate
06:15the spirit of the Christmas season.
06:22So without any further ado,
06:26I give you the story of Olaf,
06:31the lonely little goat herd.
06:41Once upon a time, long ago,
06:44there lived a lonely little goat herd.
06:48He had no family and no playthings,
06:52so to amuse himself one day,
06:55he carved a little wooden flute.
07:00A flute which he used to play during the long, lonely evenings.
07:06And the tune it made was very lovely,
07:08and all the people in the village below could hear the pure, glorious sound.
07:13This is all very amusing, but nothing you can do is going to distract me.
07:24One day, the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music,
07:29and while that boy had all the toys in the world,
07:32he was jealous of this little goat herd's flute.
07:36So one dark night,
07:39one dark, windy night,
07:44the merchant's son stole his precious instrument,
07:48but when he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play.
07:52So he smashed the flute to bits,
07:55and the little goat herd came down the mountain the next morning
07:59and saw his flute was broken.
08:02Yikes!
08:05He might have said that, but instead he forgave the merchant's son.
08:11And the wealthy merchant adopted the little goat herd, and...
08:16Oh, mama!
08:20He said, upon meeting the merchant's wife,
08:24and somewhere along the way, he learned the true meaning of Christmas.
08:30This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a truly blessed and forgiving holiday.
08:38There, now you see? Nice try.
08:41Miss Kane's delightful performance aside,
08:44this just proves that the power of my message cannot be stayed.
08:49For God's sake, what am I, a robot?
08:53Am I a robot?
09:01To all, a good night.
09:18Oh.
09:20Hi, Dad.
09:25I'm going to put this wreath up here.
09:27What's the matter with Rudolph?
09:29Well, Dad, you know, I just think that Christmas decorations should be understated and tasteful.
09:35Boy, I can't even have one thing that I want.
09:39Dad, I'm sorry, but if I gave you one thing, God knows where it might lead.
09:50Ah!
10:00Oh, God.
10:02My childhood Christmas is all over again.
10:06Only now Mom isn't here to say,
10:08Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings.
10:11Oh, don't be such a grinch.
10:15Ho, ho, ho.
10:20It works when you step on the mat.
10:22Ho, ho, ho.
10:24It can say, Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays.
10:27Yes, well, I hope it can say Geronimo, because I'm going to throw him off the balcony.
10:33Well, I don't get what you think. It's not for you, it's for Frederick.
10:37God, I suppose you're right, Taylor.
10:39I used to love this stuff when I was six.
10:43By the time I was seven, I started to have questions.
10:46When I was eight, I started spending a lot more time at the Bernsteins.
10:55Well, I'm off to Joe's parents' house.
10:59So you've been busy in the kitchen.
11:01Yeah, I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum dill.
11:05It's a still flower pudding boiled in a cloth bag.
11:09Oh, who gets to lick the bag?
11:13You know, you see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient.
11:17She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash.
11:23As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was ready.
11:29You know, to this day, the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit.
11:36Bye. Merry Christmas.
11:42You know, someone's going to have to go back down to the storeroom.
11:45There's still something missing.
11:47You must be kidding, Dad. My God, this place couldn't look any more ludicrous.
12:02Once I saw how those white hairs on his chin looked like a beard,
12:06the rest of the idea just fell into place.
12:13Niles, hello, Frasier.
12:20I know, I know. Shut up. It'll hurt his feelings.
12:26So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris?
12:29No, but I had an epiphany.
12:33I realized cutting off my funds is Maris' way of saying I love you.
12:38She always uses money to get what she wants.
12:41Ergo, this is proof she wants me back.
12:45What do you think?
12:47Ho, ho, ho.
12:52I think Santa said it all for us.
13:08Dad, you have to get out more.
13:15You've started doing old lady things.
13:19It's for Frederick.
13:21Oh, of course it is.
13:24Oh, that reminds me. I don't want to impose, but may I ride with you to the airport to pick up Frederick?
13:29Oh, of course you may, Niles.
13:31I just have to wrap up his presents first.
13:33Wonderful. So what did you get Freddy?
13:35Well, actually, Dad, I ordered from the toy catalog from the special section called Gifts for the Gifted.
13:43I got him the Junior Astronomer set and the Geology Lab.
13:48Oh, and a fabulous thing called the Living Brain.
13:51You get to paint each lobe a different color and then you stuff it inside the living skull.
13:57Hey, you know what kids really like?
13:59They've been advertising it like crazy on TV. It's great.
14:03The Outlaw Laser Robo Geek.
14:08Its head lights up and it shoots death rays out of its eyes.
14:13Yeah, a little like that.
14:19Listen, Dad, I think I know what Frederick likes.
14:22He's precocious. He needs to be challenged.
14:24Oh, challenge him the other 364 days.
14:27One day out of the year, indulge him.
14:29Let him be a kid.
14:31Dad, I'm sorry, but is there anything like me that kind of toys he'll like to play with?
14:38A kitchen set, a dollhouse, and three kinds of Barbies.
14:44This is for a Franklin crane from Kenny Bunkport.
14:47Oh, God, do you realize what this means?
14:50Yes, the cranes of Maine have got your living brain.
15:02No.
15:05It means I don't have anything for Freddie.
15:08God, I wanted everything to be so perfect.
15:10Now he's going to have a horrible Christmas.
15:12Hey, listen, it's okay.
15:14There's a big toy store in the mall.
15:16They're open late tonight. Just don't worry about it.
15:18Well, that's easy for you to say, Dad.
15:20God, it's Christmas Eve.
15:22The gifts I ordered are 3,000 miles away.
15:24My son is due in an hour.
15:26On top of it all, I have to go to a mall.
15:29Oh, oh, oh.
15:31Oh, don't look at me. He said it.
15:45Well, customers are marauding through here like a pack of feral dogs.
15:49Did you see that woman?
15:51She apparently knocked me over on the way to the escalator.
15:53How about the woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me?
15:57That was a cologne sample, Niles.
15:59That's what they do.
16:03Come on, Ellis, we've got five minutes.
16:05We've got to find a sales clerk.
16:07Oh, well, good luck.
16:08Well, all right, then, we'll find something ourselves, I guess.
16:11Well, hey, hey, this looks amusing.
16:14Oh, Niles, please, may I remind you we're looking for something educational?
16:19Oh, oh, oh, oh, it has buttons.
16:22What's it doing?
16:25It's flashing.
16:26Oh, Niles, please remember that Freddy tested in the highest percentile
16:30for cognitive skills and deductive reasoning.
16:32What's it doing now?
16:35It's beeping.
16:36Oh, for God's sake.
16:37And as much as I would like to inflict this on Lilith,
16:40I'm looking for fast and educational, all right?
16:50I wonder what else it does.
16:51Let's see if it protects your hand.
16:55Oh.
17:02Here's something.
17:03Wait, let's...
17:05Look at this.
17:06Look at this.
17:07Oh, God.
17:08It's called ecto-goo.
17:11Oh, well, that sounds vaguely scientific,
17:13but what could we possibly learn from that?
17:16Well, for starters, you can learn never to wear Armani to a toy store.
17:20Let's see, I just have to remember what I ordered from the catalog,
17:23and look for that.
17:24First, the living brain.
17:26Living brain?
17:28What kind of dork wants that?
17:32With any luck, the kind of dork who'll be operating on your prostate someday.
17:44Frazier, Frazier, Frazier.
17:46Look, look, look, there it is.
17:47It's up on the shelf.
17:48It's up on that shelf.
17:49Oh, Lord, it's covered with dust.
17:52The brain is dusty.
17:54Could there be a clearer metaphor?
17:57Oh, look, there's nothing in it.
18:00Can I have it?
18:01It's an empty box, ma'am.
18:02I know, but I can put my son's robo-geek in it.
18:05You know how scared he'll be when he thinks he's getting something this nerdy?
18:11Oh, God, this is hopeless.
18:13We'll never find anything for Frederick.
18:15Oh, Frazier, just give him a check.
18:17Miles, you can't give a check to a child.
18:20That's what I'm giving him.
18:22It has a stagecoach on it.
18:26Miles Maris canceled your account.
18:29Damn.
18:32Look, look at that man's bag.
18:34Young minds.
18:36Sir, excuse me, is this store in the mall?
18:40Yeah.
18:41And it's educational toys?
18:43Mm-hmm, nothing but.
18:44It's just a couple of doors down.
18:46Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
18:48Uh, no, they closed a half hour ago.
18:51Damn.
18:53Damn, look, this is perfect.
18:55Look, it's a chemistry lab and a picture puzzle.
19:00You know, my son comes in a half an hour and I have absolutely nothing for him.
19:04He'll be in in 22 minutes if he picks up a good tailwind.
19:07You, uh, you really need this stuff bad, don't you?
19:11Oh, you have no idea.
19:12It would save my life.
19:15I'll tell you what.
19:17Seeing as how it's Christmas.
19:18Oh, God bless you, sir.
19:20A thousand bucks.
19:25What? A thousand bucks?
19:28Hey, take it or leave it.
19:29Well, I mean, there's just no more than a hundred dollars worth of things here.
19:33Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning our descent into the Seattle airport.
19:38I'm just trying to do you a favor here.
19:40Well, it's some favor.
19:42Make sure your tray tables and seat backs are in their full upright and locked positions.
19:45Shut up, Niles.
19:46All right, all right, let's see what I've got here.
19:51All right, look, I've got, uh, here's $300.
19:55Would you accept a personal check for the rest?
19:58Hey, it's Christmas.
20:01Oh, bless you, bless you so much.
20:03Very well, thank you.
20:04Niles, give the man a check.
20:13Where's Freddy?
20:14Putting on his pajamas.
20:15Told me he could come in and say goodnight after he brushes his teeth.
20:18So how'd you do?
20:19Well, I didn't get exactly what I'd ordered, but I think I did all right.
20:23We got him a microscope and a chemistry set
20:29and a 5,000 piece puzzle of the Great Wall of China.
20:35Well, maybe I'll have fun with the boxes.
20:39Dad, here you go.
20:41This is the last box from the storeroom.
20:44Great.
20:46Now, is this what you were looking for?
20:49Oh, yeah!
20:52Santa's legs for the chimney.
20:54You remember these babies?
20:56Oh, yes.
20:57Inspired some spectacular Christmas nightmares in the area.
21:01I found them under your bed.
21:04Frazier, isn't this the smoking jacket you gave Dad a few years back?
21:11What?
21:12Hey!
21:13What?
21:14How'd that get in there?
21:18Dad, these are all the gifts I've given you for the last six years.
21:23Hey, come on now.
21:24Shut the...
21:25Put them...
21:26Close the box.
21:27Dad, look at this.
21:28They're still in the original box.
21:30They've never even been worn.
21:32Sure they have.
21:33Oh, yeah.
21:34This one still has the tags on it.
21:36Look, this isn't the kind of conversation we should be having on Christmas Eve.
21:40No, Dad?
21:42Well, what is it you want to say?
21:46Well, you know, Frazier, you're always giving people things that you think they should like
21:51instead of things that they really like.
21:54I mean, come on.
21:56In your entire life, have you ever seen me wear anything like that?
22:01Well, no.
22:02I thought you might like a change.
22:04Well, it's like when you were a kid, remember?
22:08I wanted you to love baseball.
22:11I wanted to get you a bat, glove, everything for Christmas.
22:15But you had your mind set on a microscope, so that's what I got you.
22:19And then when Dad took us to a game, you spent the whole time looking for rodent hairs in your hot dog.
22:31I'm just saying, Christmas isn't the time that you go trying to mold somebody,
22:36which is what you're trying to do with Frederick.
22:38I think I know what's good for my own son.
22:40I brush my teeth, Daddy.
22:42Oh, that's my boy.
22:44Come on.
22:46Bon splunkle, Miles.
22:48Et voici.
22:50Hey, you better get to sleep or Santa won't come.
22:52Okay.
22:53I know just what Santa's bringing me this year, Dad.
22:56I'll bet you don't.
22:58Yes, I do, too.
23:00It's an outlaw laser robo-geek.
23:09What makes you think that?
23:11Because I asked Santa for it in my letter.
23:14They are so cool.
23:19Listen, Frederick, it's, um...
23:23Frederick, where are you going?
23:25It's, um...
23:27Frederick, where are you going?
23:29I'm going to make myself go to sleep right away,
23:32so the next thing I know, it'll be morning.
23:35Good night, Daddy.
23:36I'll come in and tuck you in in a minute.
23:38Good night, Grandpa. Good night, Miles.
23:40Good night.
23:41Now, good night, Frederick.
23:42I'm going to go home and go to bed, too.
23:46I hope Amaris comes out of her coma.
23:55He asked where she was.
23:56I thought the truth would just upset him.
24:02I'll see you in the morning.
24:03Merry Christmas.
24:04See you tomorrow.
24:08Oh, this is turning out to be quite a Christmas.
24:11Oh, it's going to be fine.
24:15Done it again.
24:17I'm going to bed.
24:19Good night.
24:20Good night.
24:21Good night.
24:23Done it again.
24:26Gotten everybody the wrong gift.
24:29What is it about me?
24:33Well, here, you may as well open your gift now.
24:36No reason for everybody to be disappointed tomorrow.
24:39Hey, I'm sure I'm going to love it.
24:42I doubt it.
24:43It's not exactly my night.
24:47Hey, a robe.
24:50Great.
24:51I love it.
24:52Oh, no, you don't.
24:54It's not a robe.
24:55It's a dressing gown.
24:59Noel Coward would love it, but it's not you.
25:02Hey, I love Noel Coward.
25:05Dad, you're overcompensating.
25:07Oh, well, you know, some people are hard to buy for.
25:10I'm sorry.
25:12But, you know, you are, too.
25:15I never know what to get you.
25:17Yeah.
25:18Here.
25:20You might as well open this now.
25:26Yeah, I guess it was easier when I was small.
25:31The kids always know what they want, don't they?
25:34Yeah, yeah, it's rough for adults.
25:45Oh, Dad.
25:47Merry Christmas, son.
25:52And, you know, it was just what I wanted.
25:55My very own outlaw lazy robo geek.
26:03Oh, Dad.
26:06Oh, oh, listen.
26:07Are the batteries included?
26:09In the box.
26:10Oh, Dad.
26:15Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
26:19Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:23Quite stylish
26:25And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:28Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged
26:31Ha, ha, ha, ha
26:34But I don't know what to do
26:36With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:41Scrambled eggs
26:45They're calling again
26:49Scrambled eggs all over my face
26:52What is a boy to do?
26:57Happy Holidays, everybody!