Sierra Katow: Funt
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Category
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FunTranscript
00:00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sierra Cotto.
00:00:10Thank you.
00:00:11Amazing.
00:00:12Thank you.
00:00:13Thank you.
00:00:14All right.
00:00:15For me?
00:00:16Stop it.
00:00:17Me?
00:00:18Oh.
00:00:19No.
00:00:20No.
00:00:21Oh.
00:00:22All right.
00:00:23Yeah.
00:00:24That's enough.
00:00:25Jesus Christ.
00:00:26No.
00:00:27You guys are wonderful.
00:00:28Thank you for coming out.
00:00:29Fun fact about me, I actually have a degree in computer science.
00:00:34Yeah.
00:00:35All right.
00:00:36Pretty good.
00:00:37And now, I'm a comedian.
00:00:38Ooh.
00:00:39Right?
00:00:40What did I do?
00:00:41What went wrong?
00:00:42Oh.
00:00:43Oh.
00:00:44Oh.
00:00:45Oh.
00:00:46Oh.
00:00:47Oh.
00:00:48Oh.
00:00:49Oh.
00:00:50Oh.
00:00:51Oh.
00:00:52Oh.
00:00:53Oh.
00:00:54Oh.
00:00:55Oh.
00:00:56Oh.
00:00:57Oh.
00:00:58Oh.
00:00:59Oh.
00:01:00What went wrong?
00:01:01What went wrong?
00:01:02You know, I think what happened is when I was deciding what I wanted to do with my life,
00:01:05I wasn't sure if I wanted to be another Asian computer programmer.
00:01:15And see that internalized racism?
00:01:19That cost me millions of dollars.
00:01:21Okay?
00:01:23That's why you shouldn't be racist because, whoo, that shit's expensive.
00:01:29I enjoy being a comedian.
00:01:30I do love it.
00:01:31You know, clearly I'm not in it for the money, so I better have fun or whatever.
00:01:38And I started doing this really young.
00:01:39I started doing stand-up when I was 16, which, yeah, where were my parents to stamp that
00:01:45out of me early, right?
00:01:47To their credit, they're very supportive.
00:01:50They're actually here today.
00:01:51Give it up for them.
00:01:52Yeah.
00:01:53Right there.
00:01:54I remember when I told my mom for the first time that I wanted to do stand-up, she was
00:02:01like, oh, yeah, me and your dad used to go see live comedy all the time back when we
00:02:05were dating, which, blech, gross, right?
00:02:13Like I get that my parents were human or whatever before I was born, but get me out of it, okay?
00:02:20Yeah.
00:02:21I just, I want a respectful distance from my elders.
00:02:24That's all I ask.
00:02:25Okay?
00:02:26Because I had a friend growing up who was like so close to his parents that he called
00:02:32them by their first names.
00:02:34Yeah.
00:02:35You guys have any friends like that, hmm?
00:02:38No one had any white friends, no?
00:02:41No, he was kind of weird, this friend.
00:02:44Like I remember I went over to his house, and he was yelling at his dad.
00:02:48He was like, yo, Vincent, get me a Capri Sun.
00:02:52Jesus Christ.
00:02:55Vincent, that is your father, right?
00:03:00Show a little respect.
00:03:01What are you going to do next, fuck his wife?
00:03:03That's your mother.
00:03:06Gross.
00:03:10And let's, it's your stepmom, in which case, hey.
00:03:13All right, we've all seen that one, you know what I'm talking about?
00:03:17Let's fire up the old incognito window.
00:03:19That's all I ask.
00:03:20Okay?
00:03:21No, that's gross.
00:03:25You guys brought it up.
00:03:26Don't fucking look at me.
00:03:28I'm trying to make this a family show, okay?
00:03:31Parents are here.
00:03:32My God.
00:03:33And hey, stepmom content.
00:03:36That's about as family as it gets, you know what I'm saying?
00:03:39Yeah?
00:03:40Let's keep it in the family content.
00:03:42Hell yeah.
00:03:43Fuck.
00:03:44Yeah.
00:03:46Yeah, my parents, very supportive of this career.
00:03:51Suckers.
00:03:52Yeah.
00:03:53Fumbled a great retirement plan.
00:03:56And here I am, still doing it, a decade later, which, yeah, pretty strange.
00:04:08I think starting something that young, though, you kind of do it for the wrong reasons, you
00:04:11know?
00:04:12I was 16.
00:04:13I was kind of a weird nerd kid.
00:04:16So I thought doing stand-up would make me, like, less socially awkward.
00:04:22Didn't work.
00:04:23Right?
00:04:24Like, I just recently ran into a friend on the street, unexpectedly, which, that should
00:04:31be illegal.
00:04:32Like, you want me to make spontaneous conversation?
00:04:36Kill me.
00:04:37I did my best, you know?
00:04:39So I asked this friend, I was like, oh, how are you?
00:04:43Pretty good.
00:04:46Thinking on my toes.
00:04:49And he responded, and then he asked me back, how are you, which, I know that one.
00:04:56Well-played sir, yeah.
00:04:59So I responded, and then I asked him back, how are you, which, it's one too many, right?
00:05:09We're only allowed one per person.
00:05:11That's off by one.
00:05:13My bad.
00:05:14See, comedy didn't work, okay?
00:05:15It's still fucking awkward.
00:05:17And should have picked another profession.
00:05:20And I had other options, right?
00:05:22Even before comedy, even before computers, I'm sure you guys can tell this about me,
00:05:28I was supposed to be a professional basketball player.
00:05:32Yeah.
00:05:33Thank you.
00:05:34Yeah.
00:05:35I don't know why you're laughing, but okay.
00:05:38Yeah, thank you.
00:05:40You know, I played for eight years growing up.
00:05:43I started at 210, that's a height.
00:05:47Not a time, okay?
00:05:50I get it, I didn't have like the height or the wingspan to be a successful basketball
00:05:54player.
00:05:55But, you know, I'm glad I played because I learned a really valuable lesson that I could
00:06:00use for a future in entertainment, which is this, you know, doesn't matter.
00:06:05You work really hard, you practice every day, and your dreams will still be crushed, okay?
00:06:12So, yeah, good.
00:06:19It's good to know early, I say teach it in the womb, okay?
00:06:23But I didn't have the basketball bod, all right?
00:06:26You know, this body walks into a room, everybody immediately looks, they go, that's, that's
00:06:31a comedian.
00:06:33That's a comedy bod right there.
00:06:34And yeah, my body's always coming up with funny material.
00:06:38Like I discovered this about myself recently in the nighttime.
00:06:44I discovered I can actually wear an eye mask, you know, one of those sleeping masks, as
00:06:52a bra.
00:06:53Ooh.
00:06:54That's a good one, body, right?
00:07:00Twisty punchline, the whole thing.
00:07:04You know, I'm a grown woman, but I'm still stuck in like the training bra phase of life.
00:07:10You know what the training bra phase is?
00:07:12That's sort of when you're going through puberty, right?
00:07:16And developing breasts or whatever people do.
00:07:18What do you, what do you call it?
00:07:22Breasts?
00:07:23And you wear a training bra, you know, a training bra, that's sort of a smaller bra.
00:07:28It's more of a formality, right?
00:07:33It's supposed to train you to one day graduate to a big girl bra.
00:07:37Yeah.
00:07:38I see some graduates here tonight.
00:07:41Congratulations.
00:07:43Mazel Tov.
00:07:46But look, I guess I didn't train hard enough.
00:07:51Or I trained too damn hard because clearly my boobs died in some training accident and
00:07:54I never made it home.
00:07:57What happened?
00:07:58I mean, no, I've, I've just always been a little smaller, you know, and small.
00:08:04I didn't know I was small.
00:08:05Right?
00:08:06Because I come from a small people.
00:08:07Okay.
00:08:08Yeah.
00:08:09My family, a bunch of little tinies.
00:08:10A bunch of little pipsqueak losers.
00:08:12Just kick them around.
00:08:13Yeah.
00:08:14Look at them over there.
00:08:15Tiny little people.
00:08:16Like I'm five foot one, but compared to some of my family members, ooh, I'm kind of massive.
00:08:25Like I go back to Christmas just like Godzilla, like elbowing uncles on the top of the head.
00:08:31Like giving a noogie to grandma and I know she likes it.
00:08:36I wouldn't do that if she didn't specifically request.
00:08:39Okay.
00:08:40She's kinky like that and I respect my elders.
00:08:44So I do as told.
00:08:46Yeah.
00:08:47I think when I tell normal size people that I have family who's smaller than me, they
00:08:52look at me like I just told them their dog has its own dog.
00:08:59Oh my God.
00:09:00And they're like, I didn't know they bred them that small.
00:09:02Is that safe?
00:09:03What if I step on it?
00:09:07Which if you're going to step on one of us, step on grandma.
00:09:11She's kinky like that.
00:09:12You know?
00:09:13No, I am.
00:09:14I'm joking.
00:09:15Right.
00:09:16When I'm talking about my grandma, I'm not talking about my grandma.
00:09:20You guys know this.
00:09:21I'm just joking about the dead one.
00:09:23You know, there's, I have two grandmas.
00:09:27One passed away a while ago.
00:09:28You know?
00:09:30She's easier to joke about because I don't, I don't see her, right?
00:09:34She died before I was born.
00:09:35Quick bitch.
00:09:36So who knows?
00:09:37Who knows what she was like?
00:09:39You know, maybe she was kind of kinky.
00:09:40That's, that would explain a lot.
00:09:42You know what I'm saying?
00:09:45No.
00:09:46My, that's my, that's my dad's mom.
00:09:47Okay.
00:09:48Sorry, dad.
00:09:49We'll talk about it later.
00:09:50We'll be fine.
00:09:51But there were, I'm not going to look over there anytime soon.
00:09:59Okay.
00:10:00Yikes.
00:10:01We'll be fine.
00:10:02Okay.
00:10:03But hey, maybe that's why I got into comedy, you know, because of the extra height from
00:10:08the stage.
00:10:09You know what I mean?
00:10:10Right?
00:10:11Hell yeah.
00:10:12Is she five feet?
00:10:13Is she 15?
00:10:14We don't know.
00:10:15We can't tell.
00:10:17I also like having a microphone because I have a little bit of a quieter voice naturally,
00:10:23which you can't tell because I have a microphone.
00:10:27And I know this, people are always telling me to speak up.
00:10:30Can you speak up?
00:10:31Can you be a little louder?
00:10:32Which, well, I don't like, like telling me to speak up.
00:10:39Pretty racist.
00:10:40It's kind of racist.
00:10:41Yeah.
00:10:42I'm not going to explain why, okay?
00:10:47Those who get it, get it.
00:10:50Yeah.
00:10:51Those who don't, good luck out there.
00:11:00People are always telling me like tips, like use your diaphragm to be a little louder.
00:11:05Use your diaphragm, which that's, diaphragm, it's like a membrane underneath your lungs.
00:11:12That's what that is.
00:11:13It's supposed to help you project, which would be great advice if it weren't something inside
00:11:17of my body I can't control.
00:11:19Are you kidding me?
00:11:20Use my diaphragm?
00:11:21Like, you know, everybody knows that your insides do their insides things, right?
00:11:28So that our outsides, we may do our outsides things.
00:11:31And never the twain shall meet.
00:11:32That's just science.
00:11:33Are you kidding me?
00:11:37Use my diaphragm.
00:11:38What do you want me to do next while I'm in there?
00:11:41You want me to poke my gallbladder?
00:11:44You want me to squeeze my uterus?
00:11:49I mean, I can kind of squeeze my uterus.
00:11:51You know what I'm talking about?
00:11:52We can do that.
00:11:53We can do that.
00:11:54Right?
00:11:55Those are, those are called Kegel exercises.
00:12:00You got to do them every day.
00:12:02Okay?
00:12:03Yeah.
00:12:04Right?
00:12:05Because you can't skip vag day.
00:12:06You can't do it.
00:12:10Don't do it.
00:12:11I've been doing them the whole time I've been up here.
00:12:13You guys didn't even know, huh?
00:12:16Because listen, I got a tight schedule, but I need an even tighter vagina.
00:12:20Okay, don't get ahead of the joke.
00:12:27I wasn't too worried about my softer voice until a friend told me he was like, you know,
00:12:33being that quiet, it makes you seem like a pushover, which I mean, he can say whatever
00:12:40he wants about me.
00:12:41What am I going to do?
00:12:43I can't yell at him, but that gave me the kick in the butt to like make a change, you
00:12:50know, fix this voice thing.
00:12:52So I did what we all do when we want to make like a drastic transformation in our lives.
00:12:57I watched a YouTube tutorial.
00:13:01I found this video.
00:13:02It was like, you know, how to be louder and had this sweet man giving instructions.
00:13:07He also had a quieter voice, so, you know, gang gang, and a bit of a receding hairline,
00:13:15but, you know, this is a voice tutorial, not a hair tutorial.
00:13:18So we can cool it on the judgment, everybody.
00:13:22Jesus.
00:13:23One of his first tips was that if you want to be louder immediately, you can use twang.
00:13:27And twang, it's like this thing where I guess you pipe your voice through your nose a little
00:13:31bit, you get a little more friction, and that makes you louder.
00:13:35So I might give a demonstration for you tonight, if that's okay?
00:13:39All right, you know, you know.
00:13:45So this is my voice without twang, you know, a little softer.
00:13:48Right.
00:13:49And then this is my voice with twang.
00:13:53It's kind of like...
00:13:55Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
00:14:00–
00:14:01–
00:14:02–
00:14:03–
00:14:04–
00:14:05–
00:14:06–
00:14:07–
00:14:08–
00:14:09Pretty good, huh?
00:14:14And that's just after one video.
00:14:17So imagine what I'll sound like after that guy gets hair plugs.
00:14:23Pretty loud.
00:14:26I think another childish reason I started to do comedy was that I thought it would make
00:14:31people like me more.
00:14:34Which is...
00:14:35It's a very kind of icky, insecure thing to say.
00:14:37But I did.
00:14:38You know, when I was young, I didn't know at the time that, like, you can't control
00:14:42what people like.
00:14:43You drive yourself crazy, right?
00:14:45And now I'm older and I feel like the cooler thing to say would be, like, oh, and now...
00:14:49I give zero fucks.
00:14:50You know?
00:14:51Now I tell, like, you know.
00:14:52But no.
00:14:54That's not me either.
00:14:58I give, like, 35, 36 fucks.
00:15:02On a good day.
00:15:03So...
00:15:04Yeah.
00:15:05Plus, stand-up, it's kind of a desperate, insecure thing to do, you know?
00:15:11All I do, I come out here, I'm like, oh, and then what about this joke?
00:15:14Do you like me?
00:15:22And then, remember, I did the thing with the nose then, do you like me now?
00:15:27You know?
00:15:28You know, it's so disgusting.
00:15:34On top of that, sometimes, you know, we do stand-up, we put our videos online, some of
00:15:38those videos go viral.
00:15:40And then, you not only learn how much people like you, but also how much people hate you
00:15:46and want you to kill yourself with a blunt object.
00:15:51Even on the weekends.
00:15:54Fun fact about me, I like to read all of the comments, you know?
00:15:59And by read, I mean I scroll past all the nicies, I get right to the meanies, you know?
00:16:05Because the mean comments, those are the ones that count, you know that, yeah?
00:16:09Mean comments, those are like the real runs, right?
00:16:12Because it's kind of like how somebody compliments you, they're lying.
00:16:16They're lying to your face, right?
00:16:17But if they insult you behind your back, oh, that's the God's honest truth.
00:16:22That's the purest form of expression right there.
00:16:26So I'll just list off some of my favorite mean comments, okay?
00:16:32We got the classics, okay?
00:16:33The first one, I watched the whole video.
00:16:37There were the jokes, which, hey, look, he's a man, he's lost.
00:16:45I respect a man who asks for directions.
00:16:51Number two, just more proof women aren't funny.
00:16:56Yeah, sorry ladies, I set us back.
00:17:05And then three, my personal favorite, don't quit your day job at the massage parlor.
00:17:13Massage parlor, it's sort of a sexist, racist reference, right?
00:17:17To women who work at massage parlors, Asian women.
00:17:22They also maybe offer sexual services like hand jobs.
00:17:26It's sex work, you know, it's a way to pay the bills.
00:17:29But this guy thought he was jabbing at me by being like, you should be doing that job
00:17:33instead of the job you want to be doing.
00:17:37But you know, joke's on him, right?
00:17:43Because one of my exes once described my hand jobs as kind of on the painful side, so.
00:17:56I couldn't even get a job at a massage parlor, even if I wanted to, sir, okay?
00:18:01Yeah, yeah, checkmate.
00:18:10But I'm not going to lie, some of those mean comments, they got to me, right?
00:18:14I have thin skin, okay, I was raised by loving, caring parents, so.
00:18:20We all know that makes you into a bit of a beta cuck.
00:18:26You know, I kind of started to give up on comedy.
00:18:30I just felt like I wasn't good at it, why bother, you know?
00:18:35And like I would still perform, I would still do it, but I just, my heart wasn't in it anymore.
00:18:41Kind of like the way I give hand jobs.
00:18:45But don't worry, I started to focus on new goals, you know, new goals.
00:18:49Things I felt like I could actually accomplish, right?
00:18:52Like for instance, this is new for me to say out loud, but it's actually one of my lifelong
00:18:58goals now, to never be murdered, never, yeah, thank you, wow, get that off my chest, yeah,
00:19:10I know, very ambitious of me, I put it on my vision board and everything, not even once,
00:19:15but I've taken steps to get there, like I got pepper spray, yeah, baby's first pepper
00:19:22spray, hell yeah, I got that guy in my purse, so if anyone's thinking of attacking me after
00:19:27the show, game on, buddy.
00:19:34I actually ordered it online, the pepper spray, it came in the mail, it's kind of in a hard
00:19:38plastic casing, I was trying to get it open, but I'm pretty weak, which is why I need the
00:19:43pepper spray.
00:19:44I was trying to get in there, so it's in my bag, but it's still stuck in the plastic.
00:19:52I'm just like hoping a guy pulls a knife on me soon, so he can like help me fucking open
00:19:57that thing, god damn it, I'll spray him in the eyes as a thank you.
00:20:05Another self-defense tip they say is like, say you're walking alone at night, you know,
00:20:09and your pepper spray's still stuck in the plastic, you can actually use your car keys
00:20:13or house keys and put them in between your fingers, kind of like this, and then you're
00:20:19Wolverine and you can't die, yeah, you just heal, it's crazy, you're in a ton of movies,
00:20:25you're jacked as fuck, no, that's sort of a weapon, right, when you put it there, or
00:20:31actually you hold it like a knife, that's better, and then, you know, if an aggressor
00:20:35or a murderer's coming at you, right, you take that, you take that, and then you stab
00:20:41him in the throat, you get him right in the soft spot, yeah.
00:20:49Or her, or her, you know, right, because I'm a feminist, okay, and look, I believe in equal
00:20:57pay, but also equal stabbing, hashtag close the stab gap, get that trend in, all right,
00:21:04no, I mean, you know, you have that weapon and then you stab him or her in the throat,
00:21:08get him there, and also, what is gender, right, really, because statistically, yes, my attack
00:21:19is going to be a cis man, but why is that, huh, is it because, you know, we condition
00:21:25men to only express their emotion through anger, violence, when he's trying to hurt
00:21:31me, is it because he's the one who's hurt on the inside, so anyway, you stab him in
00:21:41the throat, you get him right in the jugular, you let him bleed out, and then who's the
00:21:52murderer now, oh, oh, yeah, the woman, oh, a little subversion, the student becomes the
00:22:03teacher, as they say, yes, I talk about self defense a lot, I think about it too much,
00:22:10I think, it's because, you know, look, do other women feel this way, I feel like I was
00:22:15raised as a girl to just be like a prey animal, you know, just like a field rabbit out there
00:22:21just with ears and eyes looking out for rapists, where's the rapist, I'm sorry, I looked right
00:22:27at my dad when I said that, I'm sorry, we'll talk about it later, we'll talk about it later,
00:22:35where's the rapist, you know, it's just, it's instinct, honestly, it's because I had a very
00:22:41cautious mom growing up, you know, even for tonight's show, she was a little bit like,
00:22:48are you sure, it's a comedy show taping, it's not a trap, set by child molesters, my mom
00:23:03also will do that thing where she likes to pre-traumatize me in order to scare me away
00:23:09from real trauma, right, like, get this, she'll just message me details about local
00:23:17murders just to keep me on my toes, you know, like she texted me, hey, Ciara, there's a
00:23:26girl nearby, about your age, kind of looked like you, she was dragged out into the woods,
00:23:38raped, murdered, beheaded, the whole shebang, police never found a trace, so be careful
00:23:46out there, I look at that, I go, whoa, police never found a trace, then mom, how do you
00:23:56know, did you kill this bitch, Jesus, oh my God, my dad had a slightly different technique,
00:24:04I remember when I was a kid, I was getting ready for bed, and in my childhood bedroom,
00:24:09my bed was right by the window, my first mistake, because little did I know, my dad had exited
00:24:16the house, scurried around the perimeter, and then popped his head right by my bed,
00:24:25and you know how there's fight or flight, two really good survival instincts we should
00:24:30all partake in, well, I chose option C, and I just froze, and he looked at that, and he
00:24:39said, C, you would have been dead, and then, whew, he disappeared, I never saw him again,
00:24:45no, he stuck around to raise me, but hey, I'm lucky to be alive, right, we don't think
00:24:52our father's enough for not just murdering us in our sleep, I think, I know my parents
00:24:57do these weird things, because they worry, you know, and look, I get it, like, I'm their
00:25:03only daughter, who's not my bitch of a sister, so, yikes, stakes are high, I'm kidding, my
00:25:13sister's here, too, shout out to her, we'll talk about it later, I love my sister, I hope
00:25:22this is okay for me to say here, she has actually some exciting news, my sister's trying to
00:25:29get pregnant, yeah, yay, yeah, bit of a slut, slutty thing to do, no, I'm kidding, her and
00:25:43her long-term husband are having unprotected sex, so, TMI, no, I'm excited for them, and
00:25:53I'm excited to be an aunt for the first time, yeah, I know, I'm gonna be a fun aunt, or
00:26:00a funt, that's funty Sierra, dirty little funt, whatever the kid wants to call me, whatever
00:26:06sticks, but I think when people hear, you know, my sister is married, she's apparently
00:26:13having more productive sex than me, they think that I might feel a little inferior, no, I'm
00:26:21kidding, I don't feel in competition with my sister, I, she won that a long time ago,
00:26:27if anything, I feel in competition with her unborn baby, right, yeah, cause listen, I've
00:26:37been the baby of the family, right, undefeated champ, now a real baby's gonna come in, take
00:26:43my spot, I don't think so, I'm gonna have to fight this baby, okay, I don't wanna have
00:26:51to do it, but as the prophecy foretells, neither can live while the other survives,
00:26:59that's a Harry Potter, Voldemort reference, some of you laughed, those are the J.K. Rowling
00:27:04apologists, get them out of the building, I should come clean, that baby's been born,
00:27:10that baby, that's an old joke, so, that baby, I know, that baby's like 32, I don't know
00:27:17what the fuck, why am I still saying that joke, it's just, it's a funny joke, right,
00:27:21what am I gonna do, write a new one, you kidding me? One thing they do say is if your sibling
00:27:28has a kid, you're more likely to have a kid, challenge accepted, right, let's see that
00:27:35happen, I don't know, I get it, I get it, right, like, cause I love my nephew so much,
00:27:40he's so cute, and I'm his little fun teen, so cute, right, I love him, you know, and
00:27:44my favorite thing about him is that he's not mine, right, he's not mine, right, we have
00:27:49fun enough, okay, enough, don't take backseats, uh-huh, ew, and things remind me more of having
00:27:59kids though, like, I was just driving on the freeway, I saw this billboard, and it had
00:28:04a little, cute little baby handprint on it, and it said, fingerprints at 9 weeks, so,
00:28:12I guess it was an anti-abortion billboard, that was basically saying, like, at 9 weeks,
00:28:17the embryo developed something resembling fingerprints, so maybe, think about it, right,
00:28:23and I was like, oh, shit, so if I were to get pregnant, and then the embryo had fingerprints
00:28:32unique to that embryo, and then that embryo commits a crime, that crime, can get traced
00:28:39back to me, oh, fuck, no, I better abort the shit out of that embryo, kidding me, right,
00:28:46I was on the fence before, but then I saw that billboard, I was like, Jesus Christ,
00:28:49yeah, scrape this criminal clump of cells out of me, right, ugh, no give backseats,
00:28:57so yeah, and I'm at a stage in my life where, you know, I don't see a lot of failed abortions
00:29:02running around, or kids, sorry, kids running around, Jesus, what do you call them, I don't
00:29:08see a lot of kids, sorry, running around, I don't have a lot of friends who have kids,
00:29:13right, I'm a childless adult living in a city, so, you know, I see kids on TV, which, kids
00:29:22on TV, they're not like kids in real life, they don't tell you this, kids on TV, they're
00:29:27like 25, pretty hot, kids in real life, young, ugly as fuck, I live very close to a middle
00:29:46school though, which I realize, if I peek outside my window at like just the right time,
00:29:51sorry, that's creepy, at just the wrong time, sorry, I see kids walking home from school,
00:29:59you know, and it's beautiful, you know, it's nice to see like the youth still thriving
00:30:02out there, yeah, because, I mean, for me, like spotting a kid in the wild today, it's
00:30:09like spotting a classic car still on the road, you know, you're just like, wow, I didn't
00:30:15know people were still making those, didn't we agree, they're kind of bad for the environment,
00:30:22I guess it's fine, but clearly I don't know if I want kids, you know, could still happen,
00:30:36I recently got engaged, yeah, thank you, now, to the love of my life, you know, we
00:30:46met really young, we met when I was like 19 and he was 47 and, no, no, he was 12, he went
00:30:55to the middle school, so it was really convenient, no, no, he was like a year older, we met my
00:31:02second year of college and we've been together ever since, so, yeah, thank you, yeah, and
00:31:11hey, that was like eight years before we got engaged, so, yeah, I mean, I think being together
00:31:18that long, I wanted the engagement to feel less like a traditional betrothal and more
00:31:24like an ultimatum, you know, but hey, gun to his head, he fucking committed, you know
00:31:33what I mean, oh, if that's not true love, I don't want it, I'm super lucky, I feel lucky,
00:31:41any other long-termers out here, long-term relationship folks, all right, all right,
00:31:47okay, my parents didn't cheer, wow, because of my situation, like, I haven't really dated
00:31:54in my adult life, which I know that's a little controversial when I tell single friends who
00:31:59have been single for a while, right, it's kind of like telling a war veteran that you
00:32:03dodged the draft, right, you're like, oh, my God, I'm sorry, bone spurs, I, and my single
00:32:15friends, they always want to tell me, like, their horror stories of dating, right, they're
00:32:20like, you do not know what I've been through, which all my single friends smoke, I guess,
00:32:27that's why they sound like that, but they're like, back in 22, back in 22, we lost my best
00:32:37friend Lisa to a flotilla of fuckboys, like, oh, my God, these fuckboys, they're coming
00:32:44by land and by sea, they'll be like, back in Nam, which Nam, that's just like a Vietnamese
00:32:53restaurant they go on dates to, I don't know what they call it, it's just pho, okay, back
00:32:58in Nam, a date offered to pay, and then he Venmo requested me on the way home, it's not
00:33:08your fault, yeah, so, hey, to all my single folks out there, thank you for your service,
00:33:18really, yeah, because of you, we are free, right, but the last time I dated, I was, like,
00:33:32in college, you know, so that mindset's still tied to that time, so if anyone, like, hits
00:33:37on me now, I'm like, oh, my God, pedophile, I'm 16, which then I realize, oh, fuck, I'm
00:33:45a grown woman, actually, you have great taste, and you're not a pedophile, but ta-ta, I am
00:33:50betrothed to another, you know, I haven't been single in a while, I don't know how to
00:33:55talk.
00:33:56Speaking of getting hit on, though, I was recently hit on by a teen, still got it, okay,
00:34:07right, who's the pedophile now, whoa, whoa, no, I said no, of course, and look, I knew
00:34:14he was a teen, because he had, like, the acne for the job, he was wearing a sweatshirt that
00:34:20said class of 2088, or whatever godforsaken year they're graduating in, and he thought
00:34:28I was a fellow teen, because, you know, I can look a little younger than I am, especially
00:34:33if I'm not wearing makeup, and if I'm wearing a backpack, you know, with school supplies
00:34:39in it, a little protractor sticking out, you know, it tends to age me down.
00:34:46I'm also a long-time subscriber to Asian Don't Raisin, you guys, yeah, look, and I didn't
00:34:54make that up, okay, right, Asian Don't Raisin, that's sort of a, it's a rhyme, it just means
00:34:57Asians age well, it's similar to black don't crack, or brown don't frown, yeah, you know,
00:35:06I don't know why we keep all these weirdly racist rhymes around, it's just, you know,
00:35:11it's a lot, it's a lot of words, just to kind of just say, white people don't age so well,
00:35:18you know, right, I don't know why we're tiptoeing around that one, right, you know, and hey,
00:35:27look, it's beautiful to age, it's not, it's, it's totally fine to age, I think, it means
00:35:32you lived your life, you know, nothing wrong with that, but I'm just saying for, like,
00:35:36efficiency's sake, you know, if we could just do one rhyme, cut to the chase, we're not
00:35:40getting any younger, especially not white people, so, said it again, I know, but what
00:35:48about Caucasians do raisin, that's, right there, ready to go, white guys better moisturize,
00:35:57that one, right, it's gendered, but it has instructions baked in, so, right, love to
00:36:05lotion, throw on some sunscreen, get a little crazy, and it's not all it's cracked up to
00:36:11be to look young, or, you know, I think sometimes I feel young and unaccomplished for my age,
00:36:18yeah, like, I did this recently, don't do this, I compared where I met in my life to,
00:36:24like, my parents at my age, yeah, like, get this, by my age, 28, my dad already had a
00:36:33full grown mustache, just a full mouthwash, I'm still over here penciling my eyebrows,
00:36:40like a fucking dance, probably the most mature thing that I've done, so far, is buy a duvet
00:36:50cover, that's, yeah, hey, you know, yeah, I made a little money last year, decided to
00:37:00splurge, and, you know, what they don't say is basically a duvet cover, fancy name, but
00:37:05it's basically just a condom for your comforter, right, kidding me, right, practice safe sleep,
00:37:11kids, it's very simple, but what they don't tell you about the duvet cover tax bracket
00:37:18is I woke up after just one sleep, and all the meat of the duvet was just pushed to the
00:37:24back corner of the cover, you kidding me, right, just all of it to the back, and I had
00:37:30to spend my precious unemployed hours just fucking kneading that thing back to factory,
00:37:36just smoothing that out with a rolling pin, holding the corners like a shivering chihuahua,
00:37:42degrading, you know, Biggie was right, more money, more problems, yeah, so, yeah, I'm
00:37:59like, you bet the next day I went back to raw dogging it, you know, I just, I remember
00:38:06where I came from, and I also bought myself a couch, yeah, off of Craigslist, because
00:38:15I like a little danger, and, yeah, I was proud of this sale, you know, because, look, I negotiated
00:38:23to get the seller to come deliver the couch for me for free, so not only did I get a pretty
00:38:29decent couch for like a good price, I also got a stranger to know where I live, and know
00:38:35I'm too weak to carry a couch, let alone defend myself, so, I hope he helps me open my pepper
00:38:41spray, that's all I was trying to, comparison is tough, okay, I had a tough time with it
00:38:50recently because, as a comedian, sometimes you get hired to perform for universities,
00:38:54for the students, and I recently went to the UCLA medical school, and performed for
00:38:59the students there, yeah, it was for the Asian American Student Association there, so, you
00:39:05know, most of the medical school, right, we're doing okay, we're doing all right, don't worry
00:39:08about us, and when I got there, you know, a lot of the students were younger than me,
00:39:14and they were about to graduate, become doctors, and I told them, I was like, you guys should
00:39:18be so proud, like you've made it, right, and they kind of turned it on me, they were like,
00:39:22well, Ciara, as a comedian, when will you know, you've made it, yeah, yeah, you made it, so, yeah,
00:39:37I was like, okay, well, comedy, it's not as simple as medicine, okay, you're there, what,
00:39:46four years, they don't teach you that, okay, waste of money, I said, look, if I had to
00:39:55choose something as a comic to know that I've made it, it would be when I marry a doctor,
00:40:01so if all the single students could come to the front, right, I think I have a lump in
00:40:05my breast, I think, fondle my breast, that's how you snag them, you know, that's how I
00:40:13met my fiance, so, I met him in a much more traditional way, drunk on a bus, but he did
00:40:22give me a breast exam later, so there's parallels, comparison was another reason why I think
00:40:29I started to give up on stand-up, because, you know, it was very easy for me to compare
00:40:34myself to other comedians and be like, oh, that one's way more successful than me, funnier,
00:40:38how am I ever gonna catch up, what's the point, and it's super easy to do, because stand-up,
00:40:42it's like a solo sport, you know, unlike basketball, so, right, and other comedians
00:40:47are competitive too, like I had this one comedian come up to me, say this, white guy, well,
00:40:55and I don't wanna name names, but his name was James, and he said this to me, he was
00:41:02like, well, Sierra, you know, there's a lot more Asian comedians now, so do you feel like
00:41:10maybe there's not enough room for you? Yeah, and it got me thinking, I was like, wow, you're
00:41:18a white guy named James in comedy, there are literally three of you hosting their own late
00:41:25night talk shows, like, I think there's a little wiggle room for more Asians, can we
00:41:32get in there? But that's what it feels like sometimes, like, we feel like we have to compete
00:41:37and that there's not enough room, no matter who you are, right, and that sucks, because
00:41:42it's not true, I feel like I need even more, like, just general abundance mentality, you
00:41:50know, it's hard, though, it's hard, it's hard, but just take, like, my case, for example,
00:41:58okay, the more Asian comedians, the better, because if Ali Wong or Ronny Chieng or Margaret
00:42:04Cho, whoever, get their next sitcom, their next movie, right, who's gonna play their
00:42:11young concubine? Or massive cousin, you know? Heck, I'll even play the stereotypical IT
00:42:20guy, because remember, computer science, I'll do that shit method. And, yeah, I do
00:42:32act, okay? All right, no, no, no, yeah, enough. One of the first scenes I ever did for TV
00:42:43was an implied nudity scene. You guys know what that is? Implied nudity, it's when they
00:42:47film you from, like, the neck up, and they imply, whoo-hoo, that you're nude, you know,
00:42:55leave it up to the imagination, hmm, kind of like leaving your clothes on, whoa. Kinky.
00:43:06And they also asked me if I was comfortable, they could film my full rear, you know, that
00:43:10means my cheeks, okay? Little industry talk for you. Don't spend it all in one place.
00:43:18But yeah, you know, and I was a little hesitant, it's a lot of exposure, so, you know, they
00:43:23let me think about it, and I went home and thought about it. And I got to thinking about
00:43:29the importance of representation. And, you know, normally when we're talking representation
00:43:36in media, we're talking racial representation, queer representation, but what about flat
00:43:44ass representation? Where are those stories, huh? Where's that America? Yeah? And look,
00:43:55you know, I'm not body shaming myself, I'm a petite person, I got the butt to boot, but,
00:44:01you know, and there are plenty of skinny people on TV, but I'm talking about an ass so flat,
00:44:07that, you know, sometimes if I go, if I go to a restaurant, I'm going to go to a sit
00:44:11down dinner, sometimes I call the restaurant ahead, I call them, I go, hey, what kind of
00:44:16chairs do you guys have? Do you have hardwood chairs? Do you maybe have a pillow in the
00:44:24back I can borrow to sit on? Because I don't have a pillow in the back to sit on. That
00:44:32kind of ass, okay? Is it the kind of ass where one time I was at a party, I was bending
00:44:38over to grab my coat to leave, you know, and a guy tried to grab it. Tried to grab my ass.
00:44:44Try being an operative word here. It's kind of, it's hard, it's hard to grab my ass, okay?
00:44:50It's almost un-grabbable, some would say. It's kind of like trying to pick up the floor.
00:44:55You're just like, what is going on? And, you know, maybe consent would help, you know
00:45:04what I mean? Like, if he had asked me and I was into it, then maybe, yeah, I could stand
00:45:08up and kind of scoosh to one side a little bit, give him a little something. So, yeah,
00:45:16it's a very consent-friendly ass. That kind of ass, okay? I went to work saying, that
00:45:25kind of ass. I was ready, I was ready. I was ready to act my little tush off. I got there
00:45:32that day. I got there, I was like, yeah. Showed him what I was working with. Right, they took
00:45:38a look, they were like, yeah. Okay, we're just going to stick to implied nudity. Let's
00:45:44leave that booty up to the imagination. Tends to be a little bigger in there, so, you know.
00:45:50It's okay, we'll get him next time. We'll get him next time. I'm doing my squats, right?
00:45:55I might get an implant, just one. Just on the left cheek. We want a little before and
00:46:00after on the same body. That's where the discounts are at. But, no, I joke about representation,
00:46:08but it is really important, right? Like, within the Asian American community, there's still
00:46:13a lot of work that has to be done to make sure more Asian stories are told. Yeah, you
00:46:18can cheer for that. But, I choose to look on the bright side, okay? Because, sure, like
00:46:27Asian women, we're still pretty underrepresented when it comes to TV and movies and stuff,
00:46:32but at least we are overrepresented where it counts. Porn. You know? Hey, and say what
00:46:41you will about porn, okay? But the diversity is mwah. Yeah? Way ahead of the curve, right?
00:46:47And that meant a lot to me as a young girl, you know? Browsing the old incognito window
00:46:54to see myself reflected in such classics as Tiny Asian Woman Gets Dicked Down by Seven
00:47:01Dudes. Beautiful. Right? I just, I get emotional even thinking about it. Yeah, so I thank those
00:47:08porn stars who paved the way, right? Without them, hey, this little girl would have never
00:47:13been proud to bare her skinny ass on TV. So, yeah, it's important. Respect your elders.
00:47:25And role models are important to know what's possible. But nobody talks about it's actually
00:47:30more important to have the opposite of role models. Below models, you know? You know,
00:47:36people you can look at and be like, mm. Thank God I'm not that bitch. Okay. Nice. Take Instagram,
00:47:44for example. I'm always scrolling on that thing, just seeing people accomplishing more
00:47:48than me that day, right? Like, oh, that guy got a great car. She's got a good ass. That
00:47:55guy got out of bed. That's why I only follow dogs, you know? Because they're cute, but
00:48:04most importantly, they don't make you feel like shit, because they just got finished
00:48:09eating their own shit. Right? They don't know the difference. Like, sure, I haven't accomplished
00:48:15much, but at least I don't stick my nose in someone's crotch the minute I meet them. I
00:48:21wait a day like a gentleman. You know, the problem, though, is that some of these dogs
00:48:27are starting to have better lives than me. Okay. Right? Like, I follow this one dog,
00:48:33a Shiba Inu, you know, lives in Tokyo, Japan. Likely story. And yeah, I mean, beautiful
00:48:41dog. The body on this dog probably had some work done. You know what I mean? Double implant.
00:48:50But on this dog's Instagram, all the comments and captions are in Japanese, so I don't really
00:48:56know what's going on, but I'm just scrolling on this dog's profile at, like, 3 a.m. Prime
00:49:01time to hate yourself. And, you know, I was just so moved. I wrote, this dog is career
00:49:08goals. You know? And I sent that. Went to bed, woke up the next morning, and the dog
00:49:17had responded. He just wrote, thank you. In perfect English. So I guess this dog's also
00:49:30fucking bilingual, too. Why the... How else does he want me to feel like shit, you know?
00:49:36Unfollow. That's... Protect your energy. But no, I caved. I looked back on that dog's Instagram
00:49:44recently. I saw the dog died. Oh, I know. They don't live that long. Right? So I guess
00:49:56I won in the end. You know what I mean? Feels good. Hey. Feels good to be alive. But don't
00:50:07worry, I'm in therapy. I said I'm in therapy. Normally there's an applause. Okay. Wow. No.
00:50:16No. Too late. Okay. Guess I'll talk about it in therapy. No, I think the minute I learned
00:50:24I was dunking on a dead dog, I was like, okay, I should talk to somebody. And therapy, it's
00:50:30something I've been meaning to do for so long, you know? I just was dragging my feet, waiting
00:50:35for it to become trendy. And then it did. So I hopped on that bandwagon, and it's great.
00:50:43One of the things I'm working on in therapy is that negative self-talk. Do you guys get
00:50:46that? Some sad nods. Yeah. And it's tough. Like, let me tell you, my negative voice in
00:50:53my head, she employs twang, right? She's loud as fuck, watching tons of tutorials, that
00:51:00girl. And she's catchy. Like, she'll pop in. I'm just washing the dishes or something.
00:51:06She'll pop in. She'll be like, hey, Sierra. I'm like, oh, yeah, me? What? She'll be like,
00:51:10hey, why don't you stop being such a little cunt? Like, Jesus. The C-word, you know? Sheesh.
00:51:21I never, I never use the C-word, really. It's just like, it's so harsh, right? I never.
00:51:26Except in that joke that I tell all the time to everybody. But never C-word. And so specific.
00:51:34Like, stop being such a little cunt. Like, I don't, I don't think I'm being much of a
00:51:39little cunt. But I don't know, maybe that's what a little cunt would say, you know? Ooh.
00:51:46So, see? Pretty catchy. And my therapist also says I'm depressed, like everybody. So, yeah.
00:51:57Which is kind of weird, right? Coming from my therapist. I don't pay her for that, right?
00:52:05I pay her maybe to try out some jokes, you know? Get some laughs. Bring them here. But
00:52:12Diagnoses. There were signs I should have known maybe that I was depressed. Like, before
00:52:18my therapist knew, before I knew, my credit card company knew. Yeah. Because they sent
00:52:26me this helpful mailer. It was like a subscription services type thing. Like, which ones are
00:52:31being charged to your credit card. Wi-Fi, Amazon. Just to make sure there were no free
00:52:36trials gone wild, right? I looked at that list. I was like, wait a second. What's Mochi
00:52:42Nut doing there? Right? Do you guys know what that is? It's a brand of donut, okay? For
00:52:48those who don't know, buckle up. Mochi Nut, okay? She's not like your other donuts, right?
00:52:58She's made of rice dough, like mochi. And then deep fried like a donut. Get you a pastry
00:53:05who can do both, right? She's a donut in the streets, medication in the sheets. Because
00:53:14I was eating these in bed to numb the pain. And see, I had ordered these donuts at such
00:53:21a high frequency, at such a regular cadence, that my credit card company thought I was
00:53:27subscribed to donuts. Another sign I was depressed was that I exclusively started to wear soft
00:53:35shirts. You know? Because I would wake up in the morning and feel like shit. I'd go
00:53:41to the closet. Be like, okay, you know, oh, what shirt? That one's too hard. That one's
00:53:48kind of crispy. Oh, that one's crunchy. That one has a zipper. Are you trying to fucking
00:53:51kill me? Jesus. And then, oh, I'd find a nice softie. Slip into that bad boy. And then go
00:53:58right back to bed, you know? You can't do that in a denim jacket. You can't. You got
00:54:03to be ready in your soft, stretchy tee to go to bed at any moment. Don't even get me
00:54:09started on soft pants. We'll be here all night, baby. But my therapist also recommended I
00:54:16should get on antidepressants. Which, you know, I've heard great things about. And I
00:54:21have tons of friends who are on them, and they say they do wonders. So I'm trying to
00:54:24get on them. It's just, you know, there's a few steps, right? Like I have to find a
00:54:28psychiatrist to prescribe because my therapist can't. I have to make sure my psychiatrist
00:54:33is a network of my health insurance. I've got to make an appointment, convince them
00:54:36that yes, I do need this medication. It's kind of a lot, right? I'm depressed, okay?
00:54:44Like I can't even zip up a hard shirt. You think I can make small talk with a receptionist?
00:54:48Like, oh, yeah, maybe April 19th or... That's been, yeah, crazy weather. Right? I feel like
00:54:57I need antidepressants to get on antidepressants. Is that crazy? I feel like I ordered a box
00:55:02cutter off of Amazon, and I can't get the thing inside the thing to get the thing open.
00:55:08Right? That's a perfect metaphor that I came up with while depressed. So if you didn't
00:55:14laugh, you're too happy with your life. I luckily have a bit of a secret sauce when
00:55:19it comes to depression. Because on top of my depression, I have the tiniest, healthiest
00:55:27touch of narcissism. Because like a lot of people, I suffer from suicidal thoughts, ideations.
00:55:37But when I'm at my lowest point, and I'm thinking, ugh, it would just be easier to end things,
00:55:45there's at least a small part of me that's like, hmm. But that would just be like a huge
00:55:53loss for everybody. Right? I'm just a delight. And, you know, hey, maybe that's what I just
00:56:05need more of in general. Not necessarily narcissism, but just more confidence to like do this,
00:56:11to do comedy. Right? Because I started this for really childish reasons. But I also gave
00:56:20up for childish reasons. You know? Because there's always going to be mean comments or
00:56:25comparisons to people who are better and funnier and hotter dogs. But look, I just need to
00:56:33sack up and stop being a little cunt. Right? And get back in the game. So I just want to
00:56:42leave you guys on one story that I come back to every time I think about giving up on this.
00:56:49And it's a great story. It's actually the story of the first and hopefully not last
00:56:54time I was ever punched in the stomach. And I was a kid. I was playing this very fun childhood
00:57:05game with a friend. It's a common game. I'm sure you guys have played this one. I'm not
00:57:11sure if I can remember the name. But I'll just describe it. You guys will know. So basically
00:57:15it's the game where she is the up-and-coming rookie boxer, Jim the Jab Johnson. Right?
00:57:22She's got a lot of raw talent, but not a lot of structure nor discipline. And that's where
00:57:26I come in. I'm Coach Jenkins. And look, I used to be not unlike this up-and-coming rookie
00:57:35rock star boxer, Jim the Jab. But now I'm in my 60s, cresting 70. And I woke up one
00:57:42morning and realized, what's my legacy? Right? I don't have kids, no grandkids. Sure, I've
00:57:51got that championship belt above the mantle that sometimes I spit shine when I get a little
00:57:57too sauced on whiskey neat. You know what I'm talking about. But those are just metal,
00:58:04leather, you know? Maybe my legacy is coaching this young whippersnapper over here, Jim the
00:58:10Jab. Right? Even though he's got a bit of an attitude. First of all, naming yourself
00:58:15after the most common boxing move, the jab? Come on. The nerve. And you know, let's be
00:58:24real. He reminds me a little bit too much of myself. Yeah. And that just shows me that
00:58:30even with my 70th birthday on the horizon, I'm still stuck in the toughest boxing match
00:58:35of all. That with my own ego. You know that game, what's it called? We all play that one.
00:58:43What's it called? Boxing friends, boxing buddies? Well, we'll remember. It'll come to me in
00:58:48the shower. Basically, we were playing that game, okay? We were boxing, okay? And we were
00:58:54using a beanbag chair as a punching bag, which beanbag chair, you know, it's sort of like
00:58:59if you hold it up by the skin like that, like all the meat goes to one side, kind of like
00:59:03a duvet cover, right? Or like my ass, right? If you ask, if you ask, you know, you hold
00:59:10that up. And so all the meat's at the bottom. The skin is just up here. So she punched through
00:59:14the skin right to my stomach. Oh, yeah. And that was some of the worst pain I ever felt
00:59:18in my life. I couldn't see. I couldn't hear. But through that pain, through that nightmare,
00:59:27I stayed in character. Yeah, yeah. I was Coach Jenkins through and through. So that's
00:59:35how I knew, hey, computer science, basketball, massage parlor, keep your millions. I'm meant
00:59:41for the stage. And I'm back doing comedy, baby. That's my time. Thank you so much.
00:59:46Thank you. You bet, you bet. Thank you, thank you. Have a great night.
00:59:58Turn it up a little louder. Get low, get low. Yeah, drop it to the floor. Turn it up, turn it up.
01:00:08Turn it up a little louder. Now get low, get low. Get low, get low. Yeah, drop it to the floor.
01:00:16Turn it up, turn it up. Turn it up a little louder. Now get low, get low. Get low, get low.
01:00:24Yeah, drop it to the floor.