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00:00Un an plus tard...
00:24Bonjour?
00:25Bonjour, Jay. C'est le diable.
00:28Malgré ce que vous pensez, je ne suis pas la raison pour laquelle Cher a gagné l'Oscar.
00:33Je suis la raison pour laquelle Marisa Tomei a gagné l'Oscar.
00:59Aaaaaaah !
01:12Ça sent bon.
01:15Le film est réalisé en 2013.
01:18Les réalisations sont faites par le soutien de...
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02:41Oh, schnitzel, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
03:11ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
03:18ah ah ah ah ah ah où
03:48And I shouldn't have had all that bouillabaisse.
03:51Zut alors! What has happened to our tropical fish?
03:55Au revoir, suckers!
04:01Jay, this is your boss. How's your room?
04:03Well, I cracked the bidet.
04:05Well, if you want to see an absolute disgrace, come up to see my room.
04:12I ordered white tigers!
04:19Now, Jay, I'll make an important presentation tomorrow, and I want you to introduce me.
04:23They love you here in France, probably because you resemble Babar, king of the elephants.
04:29Oh, will you shut up?
04:43For years, we broadcasters have butchered old movies.
04:46We've colorized them, we've dubbed in lines like,
04:49Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a ham, and Rommel, you magnificent bust-up.
04:54But we've never been able to make movies better.
04:57Now we can, through the magic of Philip's vision.
05:08Here she goes, Rick. The love of your life.
05:10Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
05:16Rick, I've changed my mind. I'm coming back to you.
05:19And I'm here too!
05:47Here's how it works.
05:48Some pretentious weirdo director mucks up a great movie with a downer ending.
05:53I use a bunch of computers to put it back the way God intended.
05:57Any questions?
05:58What would the stars say about the way you're exploiting their images?
06:01Why don't we ask them?
06:03Ah, I hereby release Duke Philip, see?
06:06To use my face and voice in any way he sees fit for his marvelous new invention, Philip's vision, see?
06:12Here's my newly restored Spartacus.
06:14Minus a hundred and ten minutes of Stanley Kubrick Deadwood.
06:21Spartacus, we rigged the chariot of the Centurion.
06:24Then let's rock and roll!
06:30Nobody gets away from Centurion, Buford C. Augustus!
06:35I love you, Spartacus.
06:40You simply cannot do this.
06:42I can do anything I want.
06:44If I want Citizen Kane's last word to be swing, then that's what it's gonna be.
06:49I'm a god, I tell you! A god!
06:52I'm a god!
06:53I'm a god!
06:54I'm a god!
06:55I'm a god!
06:56I'm a god!
06:57I'm a god!
06:58I'm a god!
06:59I'm a god!
07:00I'm a god!
07:01I'm a god!
07:02I'm a god!
07:03I'm a god!
07:09Rosebud...
07:11I mean swing!
07:28Monsieur Phillips, you have a very rare condition.
07:31Only seen when first cousins intermarry.
07:35Well, fancy that.
07:36Always the first time, huh?
07:39Sir, I'm going to be frank.
07:41You have four years to live.
07:43What?
07:43I'm afraid there is nothing I can do.
07:45Oh, really?
07:46What if I gave you a whole mess of that neon toilet paper you Frenchies call money?
07:51I would say...
07:52Merci beaucoup, monsieur. Four years to live.
07:56This can't be right.
07:57Why, I've got the body of an 18-year-old.
08:02You're telling me that this guy is going to live longer than me?
08:05Yes, but he will have years of chronic back and joint pain
08:09until the day he chokes on a ham sandwich in his bathtub.
08:12Oh, oh! Can the sandwich be olive loaf?
08:14I suppose so.
08:15Yes!
08:19Four years to live.
08:20I can't believe it. I still can't believe it.
08:23Good news, sir.
08:24They've decided to name your fatal illness Duke Philip's disease.
08:27I already have a disease named after it.
08:29Mon vrai nom est Duke Scabies.
08:32Je suis descendant du Colonel Beauregard Scabies.
08:38Désolé, les gars, je ne savais pas que c'était contagieux.
08:49Au moins, on ne nous a pas servi sous le Colonel Krabs.
09:00Sir, Wall Street found out about your illness.
09:03Blast!
09:08I just made ten million dollars.
09:10Wait a minute.
09:11This means they think I'm some kind of country bumpkin.
09:13What's for lunch?
09:15Side meat and turnip greens, boiled potatoes and pinto beans.
09:18Possum stew and shoofly pie, pickled pig's feet, fresh from the stye.
09:22Yum, yum!
09:24Well, doggie, dig in, city boy.
09:27I'll show you how I'm fixing up one flew-over-the-cuckoo's nest.
09:39Hey, Chief.
09:40How did you get this pillowcase so freaking white?
09:43I used Philip's brand detergent.
09:46You'd have to be cuckoo not to use it.
09:49I use it on my wipes.
09:52And my colors.
09:53Nurse Ratched?
09:55Call me Brandy.
09:57Chief, get down with Nurse.
09:59Make them bacon.
10:03Your handling of the mentally ill is quite sensitive,
10:06but I think I'm going to go outside now and wrench.
10:10Wait, son. I need you.
10:11You're the only one here who's not trying to cheer me up.
10:14My only advice would be to make the most of the time you have left.
10:18I just know there's something you've always wanted to do,
10:21but it seemed too frivolous, too daring.
10:25I'm sorry, Jay. I'm just not attracted to you.
10:28I wasn't making a pass at you.
10:30Sure you weren't.
10:31I'm just saying there must be something you'd really like to do,
10:34but never had the chance.
10:35Well, you know, I've always wanted to tell off my boss.
10:39Put that old buzzard in his place.
10:41You don't have a boss.
10:42Jay, you are now my boss.
10:45Mmh.
11:15Ce n'est pas un mot.
11:46Can do, Mr. P.
11:48To my ex-wife I leave zilch.
11:51Nah, she deserves more.
11:53Custody of my diddly squat.
11:56And in the name of my good friend Jay Sherman,
11:59I will endow a department of gay studies at every university in America.
12:03Duke, that's a very nice gesture,
12:05but I must again point out I am not gay.
12:09All right, a department of human oddities.
12:12Gay it is.
12:14Jay, come in here and meet Rod McEwan.
12:17The front yard squirrel is stealing oranges.
12:19He crabs and chit-chats to himself,
12:21then threading through it into leaves and branches.
12:23He spies an orange three times his head size.
12:27Silly old squirrel.
12:29Rod's going to write my musical autobiography.
12:32Why are you doing this?
12:34Duke and I have been friends ever since we met at the cat lovers convention.
12:37Shut up, rhyme boy.
12:39You know, I'm not just a poet.
12:40I'm an Oscar-nominated songwriter.
12:41And what is a poem but a song without a tune?
12:44Your songs better have tunes.
12:46They will, sir.
12:47Catchy tunes.
12:48Sir, yes, sir.
12:50Ah, son, who am I kidding?
12:53I'm still going to die.
12:55Look, you've accomplished so much in your life.
12:57I'm a fraud.
12:58That boat I won the America's Cup with had a motor in it.
13:02What's the point?
13:03I don't know the answer to that.
13:05But tell me, have you ever considered going to church?
13:08Religion, huh?
13:09It's not too late, my little lamb.
13:12Well, like most members of America's cultural elite,
13:15I worship Pan, the goat god.
13:18But thanks for the thought.
13:22Jay, I want to thank you.
13:23You stood by me and I appreciate it.
13:25But I'm giving up.
13:26I made an appointment with Dr. Krikorian.
13:28The suicide doctor?
13:30Ah, Mr. Phillips.
13:32Oh, yeah, you'll go easy.
13:34Oh, it's not me.
13:36It's him.
13:37What, this Adonis?
13:39Mmm, this'll take a lot of juice.
13:41Twelve thousand dollars.
13:43And I'll throw him in for free.
13:45I give my turn to Bronson Pinchot.
13:58Stop! You don't have to do this.
14:00All that's left for me now is to die with dignity and grace.
14:05On our headphones, you can listen to Stan Freeberg.
14:08The perfect end to the perfect life.
14:11Listen, spending all this time with you has made me realize
14:14there's a decent guy in there, a guy worth saving.
14:17Thank you, Jay.
14:18After I die, you can eat my brain and it will give you power.
14:23Wait, don't give up yet.
14:24What if we find a cure for your disease,
14:26like in that film, Lorenzo's Oil?
14:28Isn't that the picture you called a mixture of fantasy and crap?
14:32Yes, I dubbed it Fantacrap.
14:35Duke, just give me one month.
14:37Okay, you got a month.
14:43He's still alive. I've never lost a patient before.
14:46You can still run him down in the parking lot.
14:48To the deathmobile!
15:01Sous-titres réalisés para la communauté d'Amara.org
15:31Jusqu'à présent, tout ce que j'ai à montrer, c'est la vision du kaleidoscope.
15:34Donc maintenant, tu chantes 24 petites chansons?
15:36C'est plus de 4 000 pounds de Sherman solide.
15:53Une seule plante dans les forêts du Brésil pourrait être la cure.
16:02C'est là, la seule plante qui peut sauver la vie du roi.
16:10Je suis un film-critique et j'aimerais acheter quelques centaines d'animaux pour tester.
16:13Tu vas les manger, n'est-ce pas?
16:15Non, je vais les utiliser pour l'expérimentation médicale.
16:18Et puis, je vais les manger.
16:20Nous aimerions t'aider, mais nous sommes dans un vrai quizabuck.
16:23Tous nos animaux sont engagés à tester les cosmétiques.
16:32Eh bien, bonjour, toi, l'escalier.
16:37Père, tu dois commencer à t'amuser.
16:44Nous pourrions t'aider jusqu'à ce que la cure soit trouvée, comme nous l'avons fait avec ce monsieur.
16:48Excusez-moi, Docteur, ces enfants sont en train de skier sur Orson Welles.
16:52Je serai juste là.
17:01Père?
17:06J'ai travaillé jour et nuit en essayant de trouver une cure.
17:09Rien.
17:10Votre père est en train d'exécuter un expériment de son propre.
17:14Peut-être que vous deux pourriez travailler ensemble.
17:24Quel est le but de cet expériment?
17:27J'ai inventé le premier gâteau pour les bébés de Fishmo.
17:30L'écureuil et le blaster de badge.
17:38Pauvre petit garçon, qui m'a fait travailler son cul.
17:41Notre prochain film est Jurassic Park 2.
17:47La Revenge of the Raptors, un tournage d'amusements sans arrêt.
17:52La Revenge of the Raptors, un tournage d'amusements sans arrêt.
17:57Vous ne pouvez pas garder un raptor dans un lit, ils sont trop intelligents.
18:09Vous pouvez nous avoir, mais vous ne sortirez jamais de l'île.
18:12Je vous demande de différencier.
18:14Vous voyez, les autres raptors et moi avons construit un pont de suspension cruelle pour la Vénézuéla.
18:18Une fois là-bas, je me lèverai et j'assumerai des travaux bizarres sous le nom de Mr. Pilkington.
18:23Mais peut-être que j'ai dit trop de choses.
18:33Regardez, les ratings s'élèvent.
18:37Maintenant, ils s'éloignent.
18:39Je n'ai pas vu des ratings aussi bas depuis qu'ils ont annulé Herman's Prostate.
18:49D'accord, Trial 485.
18:51J'ai mélangé 2, 3, 7, phénylhydrochloride, strontium benzoate et Snapple.
19:01C'est inespérable.
19:15J'ai réussi !
19:16Oh, je suis un chien ! Un chien qui a un sourire heureux !
19:21Je suis un chien qui a un sourire heureux.
19:24Si je ne me lève pas, je serai un chien qui a un sourire heureux.
19:29Bâcheful ?
19:32Normal, normal, normal.
19:35Je ne peux pas croire que, grâce à ce sérum, vous soyez curé.
19:38Mr. Phillips, vous allez vivre à 100 ans, comme votre père ici.
19:42Je ne suis pas 100 ans.
19:43S'il vous plaît, père.
19:47Oh, Duke n'a pas dépensé sur l'entretien.
19:51Will, au nom des autres présidents,
19:54j'aimerais dédier cette chanson à celui que nous appelons le boss.
19:59Prends-la, Jimmy.
20:01Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke, c'est Will.
20:04Will, Will.
20:05C'est Swell.
20:06Swell, Swell.
20:07Pas en enfer.
20:08Hell, Hell.
20:09Je suis heureux.
20:11Duke, Duke, Duke, c'est Will.
20:14Je suis heureux.
20:15Duke a sa santé.
20:17Donc, je peux dépenser sa grande richesse.
20:25Attention, les garçons et les filles.
20:26C'est l'huile de Jay.
20:28Une semaine auparavant, j'étais en train de chercher une sentence de mort.
20:31Maintenant, tout ce que je dois faire, c'est injecter 8 oz de cette huile
20:35dans mon doigt chaque 4 heures.
20:40Jay, s'il te plaît, mon fils.
20:41Tu m'as donné ma vie.
20:43Maintenant, je vais te donner quelque chose.
20:45Quoi ?
20:46Tout ce que tu veux.
20:47Je serai ton génie.
20:48Maintenant, fais un souhait.
20:50Quoi ?
20:52Oh, mon Dieu.
20:53Je ne veux pas dormir avec toi.
20:55Non, ça va.
20:56Un accord est un accord.
20:58Tu vas à Hogwild.
20:59Ecoute, je veux que tu détruises ta machine de vision de Phillips.
21:02Je veux que tu laisses ces films comme ils sont.
21:05Mais, Jay, viens, mon gars.
21:07Je ne veux pas que Rhett revienne à Scarlett.
21:09Je ne veux pas que le gars de mon doigt gauche devienne un punter pour les Bears.
21:13Je veux que Deborah Winger, Ally McGraw et Bambi's mother meurent.
21:17D'accord, Jay, tu l'as.
21:19Parce que tu n'as pas seulement sauvé moi.
21:21Tu as sauvé tout le monde grâce à la maladie de Duke Phillips.
21:25Je suis Jim Bob Huggins, et j'ai été curé par l'huile de Jay.
21:29Je suis Lars Schoenberg, et j'ai juste clobberé mon bébé Seal 1000 grâce à l'huile de Jay.
21:35Oui, je suis un capitaine en tanque.
21:37Je n'aurais pas pu déposer mon huile sans l'huile de Jay.
21:42Vos rues s'effroieront grâce à l'huile de Jay.
21:46Sherman, Uber, tout.
21:48On t'aime, Jay.
21:49On t'aime, mon gars.
21:50Oui.
22:05Sous-titres réalisés para la communauté d'Amara.org
22:36Les voix des célébrités sont impersonnées.
22:38Aucune célébrité n'a été blessée pendant le filming de cet épisode.
22:44Excusez-moi, monsieur.
22:45Le défilé est terminé.
22:46Est-ce que la boîte à des snacks est encore ouverte ?
22:52Chut !