Frasier Season 3 Episode 11 The Friend
Frasier Season 3 Episode 11 The Friend
Transcript
00:00Oh, slow down. Hey, Daphne, guess what Eddie ate in the park today?
00:08Uh, let's see, a hot dog wrapper.
00:11Nope, guess again.
00:13A cigarette butt.
00:14Nope, guess again.
00:15Apple core?
00:16Nope, guess again.
00:17Oh, really? Must you two play this ridiculous game?
00:21She makes some feeble stab and you say, no, guess again.
00:25Then she starts flailing away with even more ludicrous answers,
00:27all the while you chanting, guess again,
00:30till she's gibbering like some auctioneer with a bad bladder.
00:35And you finally reveal the answer, at which point nobody even cares.
00:39I'm not sure which one of us got the worst of that, but I think it was you.
00:43Guess again.
00:45Niles, there's a half-eaten lizard in your elevator.
01:00And that's the last hint you'll get.
01:05Oh, Frasier, I had a breakthrough today with one of my compulsive gamblers,
01:09and he gave me two tickets to the racetrack on Saturday.
01:12It's a luxury box I thought you might want to go.
01:14I would love to, Niles. Why don't you want to use them?
01:18Well, the jockeys, you must know.
01:21What?
01:23Diminutive, underweight figures in expensive silks wielding riding crops.
01:27It just reminded me too much of Maris.
01:35Dad?
01:36What about you? I've never known you to turn down the horses.
01:38Ah, sorry. I got poker with the guys.
01:41Oh, well then, I'll just, uh, call one of my friends.
01:51Gee, this is sort of embarrassing.
01:55First three names on my list, they're all back in Boston.
01:58What about someone from your wine club?
02:00Oh, well, truth be told, Daphne, those people are insufferable boors unless they have a glass in their hands.
02:05Sherry, Niles, please.
02:09Oh, I know. How about Ed O'Hanlon?
02:13Uh, moved away last year.
02:15Oh, oh, how about Edmund Kelly?
02:18Oh, I know old Ed. He'd never leave Seattle.
02:20Indeed not. They buried him here three years ago.
02:25Near me, really. Well.
02:27Gee, I'll miss him.
02:29Yes. Three years from now, when you think of him again, there'll be a void.
02:37Oh, God, how did this happen? I've been back here for two years. I've yet to forge any new friendships.
02:42Well, you better watch it, Frazier.
02:44Next thing you know, you're gonna be like one of these old people who's so set in their ways
02:49that they're only happy hanging around with people who are the same as they are.
03:00Not exactly as your point, Dad.
03:03I've lost my knack for making friends.
03:05Well, I had to bring it up, but you never were very good at it.
03:09It was always you and Niles, ever since you were kids.
03:13The two of you always holed up in that damn garage, at least until you burned it down.
03:20You burned down the garage?
03:22Well, with Frazier and his Bunsen burner and me and my mosquito repellent.
03:29In retrospect, it was unavoidable.
03:32Still, you know, Dad, I did have friends in college and then back in Boston.
03:37It's only since I moved to Seattle that I started falling back on Niles.
03:41Ooh, falling back on Niles.
03:44Oh, Niles, you know what I mean. Settling for what's comfortable and familiar.
03:49My God, you and I can go out together and I know what you're thinking before you even say it.
03:53Well, then I'm sorry you had to hear that, Frazier.
04:01You know what? This would make a wonderful topic for my show.
04:05Making new friends. What are we so afraid of?
04:08Oh, why do you make everything so complicated?
04:11You want to meet somebody new, you just walk up to him, stick out your hand and say,
04:15Hi, how you doing?
04:16Thank you, Dad. I can always count on you not to overthink something.
04:20Thanks.
04:22Hey.
04:24So why is it we have so much trouble making friends?
04:32Is it because we've become closed off?
04:35No longer want to reach out to our fellow man?
04:38Well, I'd like to think that if one of you listeners out there happened to see me on the street,
04:42you'd feel free to walk right on up to me.
04:44Excuse me, Dr. Crane. We have to stop for a very important public service announcement.
04:51Have you lost your mind?
04:55You're opening yourself up to every creep out there.
04:58Oh, Roz, that's exactly the kind of cynicism I'm talking about.
05:01I, for one, happen to believe in the kindness of strangers.
05:04Well, I believe in the strangeness of strangers.
05:08Three seconds.
05:11Hi, we're back on the topic of friendship.
05:15Now, let's go to the switchboard. Roz, who's on line one?
05:18Good news, Dr. Crane.
05:20It's Gerard from Stanwood, a new friend.
05:27Hello, Gerard. I'm listening.
05:29Well, I called for another reason, Dr. Crane, but what you just said really moved me.
05:36I wish more people felt that way.
05:39Well, thank you, Gerard. I sense a kindred spirit.
05:44Maybe we could get together sometime, have a beer.
05:48Maybe I could, you know, comb your hair.
06:01Well, thank you so much for your offer of friendship, George,
06:04but I really don't have $5,000 to invest in your French fry vending machine.
06:12And for the sake of those who do invest,
06:14I suggest, sir, that you find a better name than the Spuddy Buddy.
06:21This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all good mental health.
06:27I mean that today more than ever.
06:32I just love it when I'm right. Makes the day so good.
06:37You stacked the deck, didn't you?
06:39Oh, please. You should have heard some of the calls I didn't put through,
06:42let alone these faxes. Read some of these. They're sick.
06:46Oh, Ross, my listeners are not sick.
06:53Although this one does bear watching.
06:59Well, here's one that has promise.
07:01Let's see. Dear Dr. Crane, I never thought I'd write a letter like this,
07:04but I was moved by today's show.
07:07As a photographer, I come into contact with new people on a daily basis,
07:11yet I often find it difficult to make that one-on-one connection.
07:15However, your words offered hope, and I just wanted to say thank you.
07:20Sincerely, Bob Reynolds.
07:23That doesn't sound too whack.
07:25You know what? I think I'm going to give Mr. Bob Reynolds a call.
07:29Oh, are you nuts?
07:31He could be a raving psychopath with a trunk full of decomposing squirrels.
07:37Rubbish, Ross. I'm going to call him.
07:40By the way, where did you come up with such a disgusting image?
07:43Meet Doroth from Tacoma.
07:56You're late today, but I'm glad you're here. I need your help.
08:00My designer is ready to mutiny if I don't pick a fabric for my new couch.
08:05I brought lots of swatches, so make yourself comfortable.
08:08Frankly, Niles, I'm not here to see you.
08:11I'm meeting a new friend.
08:14A new friend?
08:16Yes, well, you remember I was talking about widening my circle of friends.
08:21Oh, I see. No more falling back on Niles.
08:25No.
08:27It's not that I'm trying to replace you, Niles. It's just that Bob and I are...
08:32Bob? You're dumping me for someone named Bob?
08:37Niles, I am not dumping you.
08:40I'm just worried that Bob might feel awkward meeting the two of us.
08:44Oh, well, we wouldn't want to make Bob feel uncomfortable now, would we?
08:49I mean, after all, I've only been your brother for, hmm, 38 years now.
08:54What would that mean when there's the possibility that Bob may feel awkward?
08:59There's a man over there who says he's waiting for you.
09:02Ah, no doubt the much ballyhooed Bob.
09:06Niles.
09:08Oh, it's all right, it's all right. I'll go quietly.
09:10Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'll just go home to my Maris.
09:14Oh, that's right.
09:22Bob?
09:23Dr. Crane?
09:24No, please, call me Frazier.
09:26Frazier, then. I'm glad you called.
09:28Oh, yes, well, uh, coffee, please, thank you.
09:31Well, uh, so...
09:35So?
09:36So...
09:38Listen, uh, thank you for your facts.
09:41Oh, I listen to your show all the time. I think, I think you're brilliant.
09:45You're probably sick of hearing that, though, right?
09:48No one would think, but it's my cross.
09:53That's the thing I love about your show.
09:56You're not just serious. You can be funny.
09:59Well, yes, I believe that humor can be a therapeutic tool.
10:04Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
10:09Mark Twain, the mysterious stranger. I have a first edition.
10:13I'm a collector myself.
10:15Yeah.
10:16You know, I, I was a bit trepidatious about this experiment, Bob, but, uh, I'm feeling a real simpatico here.
10:23Yeah, me too.
10:24We ought to go out on a limb. What do you say, once we finish these coffees, we treat ourselves to a proper dinner?
10:29Hey, that sounds great.
10:31Okay.
10:32So, what are you reading?
10:34It's my Bible.
10:36The Big Book of Barbecue by Jeff Filgo.
10:41He's a Texan.
10:42You know, of course all Texans think the invented barbecue.
10:45Arrogant bastards.
10:48You like barbecue?
10:51Well, you know, it's a national holiday. Fourth of July, that's what...
10:58You know the secret to good barbecue? Mesquite.
11:03And the secret to mesquite is you gotta soak them in water for ten minutes.
11:08On special occasions, I'll soak them in beer.
11:11Once I soaked them in sake for that flavor of the Far East.
11:16You know, in Japan, they call their barbecues hibachis.
11:20The arrogant bastards.
11:26You know, I'm digging my own barbecue pit right now.
11:29My specialty is a Cheyenne smoky quail.
11:32The trick is a high engulfing flame, like a forest fire.
11:36Of course, they call forest fires nature's barbecue.
11:41You know what my, uh, my co-workers call me?
11:45Shish kebab.
11:52Well, Bob, uh, do you have any charcoal-free interests?
11:58Yeah, I'm a professional photographer. The camera never lies.
12:02Yes, no, see, I am a bit of a camera buff myself.
12:05So what's your trade? Are you a photojournalist?
12:07I take kids' portraits at ValueMart, where your dollar buys more.
12:15You know what? Why don't we talk about this over dinner?
12:26You know, Bob, about that dinner...
12:32How about, uh, Tex-Mex, huh?
12:35Hey, you're talking my language.
12:46No, you don't.
12:49I'm fixing you a breakfast drink.
12:52With fresh fruit, yogurt, carob, pitted prunes.
12:57A healthy body makes for a sunny disposition.
13:00You want sunny? Let me have my fredder.
13:06Oh, shush.
13:09There we are.
13:11Yeah, there just aren't enough drinks to build up a nice head of black foam.
13:21Morning.
13:23Are you home late last night?
13:26I had dinner with a new friend, Bob.
13:29Oh, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.
13:35I had dinner with a new friend, Bob.
13:38Oh, that's right. You have a good time?
13:41Hardly. A man talks endlessly on subjects that are of no interest to anyone but him.
13:46Gee, I can't imagine what that's like.
13:54Well, Danny took me to this cod-awful barbecue place.
13:57All they serve is huge platters of charred, greasy beef.
14:02The only sound you can hear is the gnawing of meat,
14:05the smacking of lips and the clatter of bones hitting the floor.
14:12I can't take it anymore. I'm having that fredder.
14:19If you don't like this man, why did you have dinner with him?
14:22Well, I was going to tell him that I didn't want to see him anymore,
14:25but you see, it's a bit more delicate than just that.
14:30The problem is he's... he's in a wheelchair.
14:35So what? If you don't like him, you don't like him.
14:39Well, I know that. It's just that I'd hate to have him think it was just because of the chair.
14:45I have worked with the disabled for over ten years now,
14:49and if it's one thing I've learned, they don't want special treatment.
14:54Oh, I forgot to bring in the paper.
14:57Daphne, would you get it? My leg's just aching and throbbing.
15:05I'll get it.
15:08You know, Daphne, you're right.
15:11I was kind of a coward, wasn't I?
15:14At least I got through the evening.
15:18Here's your paper, buddy.
15:21Bob, you're here. Did we have plans?
15:25No, I was in the neighborhood, just thought I'd stop by.
15:29Did I mention where I lived last night? I am astonishingly sure I didn't.
15:36You'd be amazed what you can find out with computers today.
15:40Anyway, front bagels, poppy seed, pumpernickel, rice,
15:46sesame, onion, garlic, because after all,
15:50breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
15:53Hey, ho, you must be Martin.
15:55You're Daphne.
15:57That's right.
15:58And you must be Bob.
16:00That's me, Bob. Same backwards as forwards.
16:03You got some messages.
16:05Bob, Bob.
16:07Oh, look! Here's one from Bob.
16:13Two weeks and 45 phone calls.
16:17Can't we just get a job?
16:19Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
16:21I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
16:23I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
16:25I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
16:27I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
16:29I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
16:31Two weeks and 45 phone calls.
16:33Can't we just get an unlisted number?
16:36They sort of frown on that with call-in shows.
16:40Frazier, you've got to do something about Bob.
16:43I know, Roz.
16:45I'm working up to it.
16:47You know, the longer you put it off,
16:49the worse he's going to feel when you finally tell him.
16:51Yes, I know that.
16:53I'm a psychiatrist.
16:55I'm quite capable of dealing with difficult problems
16:57in a sensitive and mature fashion.
17:00Wait!
17:02Do you hear that?
17:04That squeak?
17:06What squeak?
17:08He's here!
17:10It's Bob!
17:12I don't hear anything.
17:14Oh, that's right. Only dogs and I can hear it.
17:19Frazier, you're being paranoid.
17:21No.
17:23It's the sound of his chair.
17:25I'd know it anywhere.
17:30Oh, my God!
17:39Hi, Bob.
17:41Knock, knock, Roz. Frazier around?
17:43Oh, you just missed him.
17:45Too bad. I got great news.
17:47I checked out that vacancy in his apartment building and, uh...
17:50Well, guess who's going to be neighbors.
17:57What was that?
17:59This equipment's old and pathetic.
18:05Well, uh, maybe I can catch Frazier back at his place.
18:08Correction, our place.
18:12Bye, Bob.
18:13Bye, Roz.
18:20Okay, he's gone. You can come out now.
18:22No, he's not.
18:24He's never really gone.
18:27So Bob's gonna be your new neighbor.
18:29We'll break out the butane,
18:31and every day can be barbecue day.
18:35No. No, he is not going to move into my building.
18:39I want a lot. I'm gonna talk to him, Roz.
18:41Listen, I could use your advice.
18:43You've broken up with a lot of people,
18:45but what do you find to be the most effective thing to say?
18:47I love you, and I want to have your baby.
18:52Good, I've got my fallback.
18:57Oh, Miles, Miles, I need to talk.
19:00Bob's meeting me here.
19:02Well, this isn't my you-do.
19:04Well, it's not for you. It's for my friend.
19:10That man is your friend?
19:12Yep.
19:13We share thoughts, feelings,
19:15talk about the arts, current events.
19:17Today, we're just hangin'.
19:20Hangin'.
19:26Oh, there you are.
19:27Thanks.
19:28My pleasure.
19:30You know, I can't stay long.
19:33I've got four more pools to clean today besides yours,
19:36and I'm gonna lose sunlight.
19:39You know, Ralph,
19:42I was thinking that, in many ways,
19:45my profession is a lot like yours.
19:47I start out skimming the surface of the human psyche,
19:51and I plunge ever deeper into the murky undercurrents,
19:55adding chemicals when necessary.
20:03There's a lot of leaves this year.
20:10I'm glad you called.
20:12I'm starting to get self-conscious here.
20:14It seems like I'm always the one calling or stopping by
20:18or suggesting dinner or movies or shopping for hats.
20:23Hey, I got you a view.
20:28Oh, Bob, you really shouldn't have.
20:31I knew you'd like it, neighbor.
20:35Yes, about that, Bob,
20:37have you actually signed a lease yet?
20:39No, why?
20:42We need to talk.
20:44Whoa.
20:46If you were a woman, I'd swear you were dumping me.
20:52Blue one's nice.
20:54I'm just concerned that the blue might be a bit overbearing
20:57on a couch of that size,
20:59although it might complement that Killam rug I was telling you about.
21:02What do you think?
21:04I live in my van.
21:07So you'll probably go for colors that add the illusion of space.
21:14You know, Dr. Crane, to be perfectly honest,
21:17when you asked if I wanted coffee,
21:20I thought you were going to bring me one.
21:25Duly noted, Ralph.
21:27Next week you can go back to drinking from the hose.
21:31You see, I...
21:33I just don't think there's a basis between us
21:36for a sound friendship.
21:40Neither of us should feel bad about it.
21:43It's easy for you to say.
21:45You're not the one being rejected.
21:47No, no, no, I'm not rejecting you.
21:49The truth is, you're pleasant,
21:52you're charming.
21:54I'm an adult here.
21:56It's just...
21:58Charming...
21:59Frazier, I'm an adult here.
22:01At least respect me enough to tell me what it is you don't like about me.
22:06Well, all right, all right.
22:08We have absolutely nothing in common.
22:10You talk on endlessly
22:12about subjects that I have no interest in.
22:15You call me all the time.
22:17Frankly, you're suffocating me.
22:20Wow.
22:22I...
22:24I don't know what to say.
22:27I wish you'd said something sooner.
22:29I wanted to.
22:31Frankly, I was afraid that you'd...
22:34think it was because of the...
22:36you know, the...
22:38The what?
22:40The wheelchair.
22:43Why would I think that?
22:45Well, I don't know.
22:47I just wanted you to know that.
22:49I wish it did have to do with the chair.
22:52I beg your pardon?
22:54Well...
22:56If the chair were your problem,
22:58that would make you a jerk.
23:00This way, I'm the jerk.
23:02Well, I wouldn't say that.
23:04Oh, come on, you just did.
23:06You just said I'm boring and obnoxious.
23:08Who knows people better than you?
23:13You can...
23:15You can keep the hat.
23:19Bob, wait.
23:22Uh...
23:24Please, look, I've...
23:26I've got a level with you.
23:29The truth is, I...
23:31I find nothing wrong with you.
23:36It's just a shame to admit it, but...
23:41It is the chair.
23:44What?
23:46I think, frankly, that you're a wonderful company.
23:50Wildly stimulating.
23:52Your hobbies are so fascinating.
23:55And you have a sense of style that really, I mean...
23:58Doesn't compare to anyone's.
24:02It's just...
24:04Me. I feel petty and small about it, but...
24:09I can't get past the chair.
24:11I'm sorry, Bob. Please.
24:14I'm sorry. This is goodbye.
24:16I don't believe this.
24:18You don't want to be my friend because I'm in a wheelchair?
24:21What?
24:24That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
24:27Look, you don't understand.
24:29What's not to understand?
24:30You just said flat out, my chair repulses you.
24:34What kind of a person does that?
24:36I've got a birthmark on my back.
24:38I guess we can't be friends either.
24:42People, please.
24:43You know, frankly, this doesn't concern any of you.
24:46You know, when I think about all the gifts I gave you.
24:49All the barbecue sauce.
24:51Hot and spicy.
24:52Tex-Mex.
24:53Mesquite.
24:55Teriyaki.
24:56Honey mustard.
24:57Oh, for God's sake, Bob!
24:59Put a sock in it!
25:03We were just on our way to dinner.
25:04Would you like to join us?
25:06I'd love to.
25:11So, you guys like barbecue?
25:13Yeah, who doesn't?
25:16Who doesn't?
25:47Are these wingtips too busy with these pants?
25:52Oh, yes, they're a bit frenzied.
25:55Perhaps a woven lace would tone down the glitz.
25:58I might have to go overseas for that.
26:00No, no, not at all.
26:01You can get them downtown.
26:02Well, who shops downtown anyway?
26:04Oh, I do, for one.
26:05Thank you.
26:06Excuse me.
26:16Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
26:18Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:22Mercy.
26:24And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:27Yeah, maybe.
26:28But I got your pegs.
26:30Ha, ha, ha, ha!
26:33But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:41They're calling again.
26:44Scrambled eggs all over my face.
26:48What is the boy to do?
26:53Frasier has left the building.