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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Oh
00:00:30I really must be going but you've only just come
00:00:34When can you come again? I'm very busy, but I'm not well you can tell from my heart
00:01:00Hello darling hello is she getting better doctor oh yes yes she's shown a
00:01:10distinct improvement since I've been coming here I've noticed that doing me
00:01:14the world of good yes keep taking the pill I will he's very good isn't he Oh
00:01:55Oh
00:02:25Oh
00:02:55Oh
00:03:26Oh
00:03:31was that dr. Todd yes doctor I'll tell him you're here yes
00:03:42leave leave Christ he's not from the BMA is he are you from the British Medical
00:03:50Association you can tell the doctor that the General Medical Council haven't
00:03:54caught up with him yet she says no she a lady doctor well show her right in if
00:04:02you'd like to discuss good grief hardly a professional reaction doctor it's the
00:04:12first reaction that came into my head and the second one is far worse would
00:04:16you care to slip behind the screens and take your clothes off I haven't come
00:04:20with any kind of complaint doctor neither would I given half a chance yes
00:04:25well what have you come about well let me first introduce myself I hold an
00:04:35appointment as deputy director of the AID donor services for this area a ID
00:04:42artificial insemination donor services how to get pregnant without having the
00:04:48fun you're romantic how sweet you no idea how romantic well that makes what
00:04:58I have to say much easier now let us get back to donor one one six nine X he has
00:05:07fathered 837 babies all sound in wind and limb and now they're getting older
00:05:12we can judge that they all have exceptionally high IQs sounds quite a
00:05:17find this don't know what was it one one six nine X anything else well yes
00:05:27there is all 837 children were boys who could for him I should hang on to him
00:05:34if I were you I hope to yes but what is this to do with me this Superman donor
00:05:40yours is he a patient of mine or what doctor you are donor one one six nine X
00:05:50me you mean me I'm very flattered but I'm sure it's a case of mistaken
00:06:02identity you don't remember taking part in a AID program at medical school do I
00:06:10they had us do it every day I got tennis elbow we only did it for the free beer
00:06:17and besides the nurses were the prettiest in the place don't tell me
00:06:22they actually did things with the do they did indeed do things as you put it
00:06:27with your samples and the results have proved you to be one of the most
00:06:31remarkable donors in the history of a ID fine terrific what happens next do I
00:06:45get a medal or something not quite but we do most earnestly want more from you
00:06:51more more oh I I see when you're at university you do tend to do things
00:07:02doctor you must surely be aware of the consequences to the frustrated wife who
00:07:07so desperately wants what our husband cannot give her oh yes I do understand
00:07:11and you must surely realize it is your duty to give us more of yourself look I
00:07:18do want to impress on you that you or should I say one one six nine X is
00:07:24something of a legend in AID allegedly clinics up and down the country are
00:07:36crying out for more 1169 X well what do you say presumably I'd have to attend
00:07:48the clinic my clinic so I'll see a lot more of you then actually it's a date
00:07:54good I'll have my secretary bring your secretary for an appointment oh wouldn't
00:08:01it be easier if you phone me directly I think we should maintain more of an
00:08:06impersonal touch don't you I don't see why I'm sorry we must be seeing you
00:08:19doctor
00:08:31Wednesday that's it Wednesday at 1015 got that
00:09:01good right no yes thank thank thank you goodbye
00:09:11hey can I help you yes I have an appointment with dr. Lee okay what's
00:09:17your name mr. I'd rather not give you my name if you don't mind yeah well how
00:09:26would you like me to announce you then you could say donor double 169 X 1 1 6
00:09:369 yes you can call me yeah 1 1 1 1 after all these years you you're finally
00:09:53you're here you've heard of me yeah hair you're a superstar you your sperm
00:10:02count is incredible
00:10:13you might very well jeopardize the entire program if there's any repetition
00:10:17of this behavior I shall have to ask you to leave I'm terribly sorry about this
00:10:21are you all right Melanie for goodness sake pull yourself together
00:10:26will you come through and meet my colleagues colleagues so I see oh I'd
00:10:41like to introduce you to my colleagues dr. Pitt and McConaughey ladies donor
00:10:47one one six nine eight oh very well living legend let me shake you by the
00:10:53hand oh you didn't tell me there was going to be an audience oh dear oh good
00:11:11heavens no we're only interested in your genitals your genetics is those two
00:11:16well I suggest we get the matter in hand what dr. McConaughey means is would you
00:11:21care for any form of stimulation from them oh no for me I mean I've managed to
00:11:28get some fat numbers of these magazines if that's what you like yes well if you
00:11:40ladies would like to relax outside and let me get on with it
00:11:48yes thank you very much now if you'll just leave me in peace I'll be waiting
00:11:55in our time I mean I said in I mean up there waiting for me to come up doctor
00:12:08yes there is something I'd like for you
00:12:19yes where shall I put it put it the sample oh yes of course the sample
00:12:38just the one I do have more really doctor this is difficult enough listen
00:12:48Annabelle and why don't you just sit down there and relax and in your best
00:12:59bedside manner talk dirty to me
00:13:59get your coat on get out you're fired just one for yourself I'm not gonna
00:14:03debate it with you out
00:14:06don't tell me expect me to continue do you I'm not a bloody machine you know
00:14:31but you must I mean since you're here look I know this has all been very
00:14:37difficult for you difficult it's impossible how can I get back into the
00:14:42mood again bloody ethics what's my ethics got to do not yours mine I mean I
00:14:49could I wish you'd finish your sentences you know what I mean no well what my
00:15:00colleague means is that being of the female gender we could but for ethics
00:15:06help you I mean anything we can do to help after all it would be in a good
00:15:12cause all right I'll try it once more but only this time please lock the door
00:15:19ah thank you very much come along ladies good for you
00:15:25ladies
00:15:42good sort of love that
00:15:45Oh
00:15:59what's wrong nothing the sample is waiting for you on your desk
00:16:06you had it in you we know about that sort of thing been doctors yes well we
00:16:18really are terribly grateful make the most of it what do you mean I mean I'm
00:16:30never going to risk exposing myself to that sort of thing again besides which
00:16:34if it ever got out I can't mean that absolutely positively and finally and
00:16:38never again oh look I'll have to go let me ring you all right
00:17:04this is my best
00:17:34Oh
00:18:04Oh
00:18:35there'll be a boy you know it always is with him
00:18:55no my receptionist stole your file and sold it to the papers doctor how could
00:19:01you let something like this happen no an apology isn't going to help what no
00:19:06they don't say where I practice but how long is that going to last what no you've
00:19:12got to do something I don't know what but something
00:19:32there's a bloody lynch mob out there you've got to get me out of here
00:19:36they're after my blood I don't think it's your blood they want you're all mad
00:19:46not you too
00:21:01Oh
00:21:06what are those women over you you'd never believe me if I told you
00:21:12perhaps you tell us where you want to go in this monastery
00:21:18Oh
00:21:28fuck it
00:21:30Oh
00:21:42who is it it's me Annabelle
00:21:48Oh
00:21:58well how are you how am I oh I'm just fine here I am trapped in this chromium
00:22:06nightmare not daring to go out unemployed a destitute hungry I don't
00:22:11even call room service for a cup of coffee that's ridiculous all the waiters
00:22:15here are men I'd share hello room service yes we'd like coffee for two
00:22:21sent up to room 637 please and you'd better send up to roast beef sandwiches
00:22:25as well wasn't very difficult no no I don't know why I didn't think about that
00:22:34now doctor there are a couple of less important details such as my practice
00:22:40patients are being looked after we put in a locum are you going to take all my
00:22:46major decisions from now on well it's quite obvious that you can't and who's
00:22:50faults that that's why we do everything we can to help now what you need is
00:22:57someone here with you day and night
00:23:04you know doctor you might be right after all that room is big enough for
00:23:15two we could
00:23:25you better open it in case I get raped
00:23:33I want you on the room service
00:23:51Annabelle you were saying about day and night well you obviously need someone to
00:23:59answer your phone keep women away from you organize your meals get me some
00:24:05trousers yes all of those things until the excitement dies down if you stay the
00:24:12excitement may never die down that's quite impossible
00:24:17excuse me senor yes oh sorry okay senor tell me you are famous for something
00:24:36now me famous heavens no mistaken identity
00:24:42it's funny I got a wonderful life of faces I think I think I know you from
00:24:47somewhere no me no that's not possible why she say you have to be protected
00:24:55from women huh oh that's a just a manner of speech nothing serious
00:25:03you got nothing to worry about
00:25:20you see what you've done to me I'm jelly I stand here shaking in case I'm
00:25:25recognized and this whole damn nightmare starts all over again I'm doing my best
00:25:28to make a man oh no you're not
00:25:35I I need someone here with me someone to help me through the desperate hours I
00:25:51know you do just what I've arranged you should be here any minute
00:26:00hey I don't want a bloody he I want her
00:26:09I want a sheen a rather particular she at that sorry but I'm not available I've
00:26:16got my own patients to think about that's charming it was your
00:26:19incompetence that got me into this you know it doesn't mean I have to get into
00:26:22your bed look I better come back when you're in a better mood I don't let your
00:26:27coffee get cold you could stay and mend my trousers I failed domestic science
00:26:33I'll send the hotel Valley up
00:26:37whatever happened to romance
00:26:45she's come back
00:27:04who are you sorry mr. Goodwin retired that was quick
00:27:25you see the problem is with this zip these ladies tore my trousers open did
00:27:30they know yes they did I was nearly raped oh yeah that's your story is it
00:27:34yes it is listen I've had enough from the staff of this hotel I'm not on the
00:27:40staff of this or any other hotel well who are you then by the way sanatorium
00:27:46physical restraint and speciality by order comes direct from miss Annabel I'm
00:27:52sorry I I thought you were the valet oh well I'm not and I know what you're in
00:28:02for too in for you make it sound as though I'm in prison what bird you're
00:28:08lucky you ain't invited your feet would not have touched the ground
00:28:15sergeant-major I don't think you quite understand I understand all right my
00:28:20order this town make a man out of you Rick you of these filthy schoolboy
00:28:25habits you've got all the classic symptoms of you dark shadows under the
00:28:29eyes all her cheeks ashamed to walk down the street with your pals I'm just a
00:28:33probably the valley
00:28:40Oh listen I know who you are
00:28:56what do you want from you nothing I recognize you finally is an instinct I
00:29:07got my famous faces you are a doctor with a magnificent word in my village
00:29:13you'd have been famous please don't tell anyone I'm here me
00:29:18Pietro never talks but since you are so famous what do you do something for me
00:29:24huh sign your autograph book the graph no no nothing like that
00:29:32he's not for me he's for my sister throw him out would you
00:29:48god I need a drink alcohol what do you mean by that alcohol is a preservative
00:29:53so there'll be no more of that now tomorrow morning we begin with your new
00:29:57regime look sergeant major I'm not in your army and if you have another talk
00:30:02with miss Annabelle you'll find that you've misunderstood your orders
00:30:06bested you tomorrow morning we begin with a run round the park followed by a
00:30:10cold bath and exercises my orders are to make a man out of you and I intend to do
00:30:15that until further notice cold baths early morning runs me never in a
00:30:22million years
00:30:26that you feel better already not too much fine
00:30:33I don't go mad no ice for me
00:30:42don't show it off I'll be storming past you in a minute
00:30:47oh
00:30:51so sorry can I borrow that
00:31:47oh it's arrived oh what is that that is a row machine oh if you child we can
00:32:09take your exercise in the room go there'll be no more running away in the
00:32:12park listen you military maniac have you any idea what this is all about
00:32:17keeping your genes from jumping about keeping your mind of other things I wish
00:32:24you would try and understand that I'm not a dangerous lunatic intent on
00:32:28ravishing the nation's women not now you're not because I'm on the job I'm
00:32:32glad one of us is now if you'll kindly excuse me I intend getting out of these
00:32:39wet things and jumping into a hot bath yes hot I've had my cold bath this
00:32:44morning thank you very much all right just this once but I'll run it for you
00:32:49man I can run my own baths we don't want it too hot do we I mean not
00:33:09I'll be a champion of later to demonstrate that the rowing machine how
00:33:16nice I'll pay attention I won't be here I'll be away doing my business
00:33:39goodbye I have come to make an exhibition of myself really am I in
00:34:00coming you must suddenly are
00:34:11I am to exhibit myself on the rowing machine you'll get no argument for me do
00:34:19you mind waiting in there a moment but this is the closet yes I know you'll only be a
00:34:23minute okay can I take my clothes off in here what to save time oh yes no point
00:34:28wasting time were you just talking to someone just now and me talking no I I
00:34:41was working on my ventral local act oh yeah well I'm not that X X you just try
00:34:47that's all I had X you're disgusting didn't you say you had things to do oh
00:34:54yes the business just don't try anything while I'm away me I shall have
00:35:00my bath and go straight to bed I'll be back later I'll give you a workout on
00:35:06that thing I shan't leave the room think of the regimen please no X
00:35:13now I make an exhibition of myself
00:35:27each
00:35:43it's quite simple as you see yeah yeah I may make adjustments so that you can
00:36:06do what you want so then you simply pull can you see that the machine does
00:36:13with my voice now can you see my time to watch very carefully so that you get the
00:36:21idea
00:36:24now all is for you to try
00:36:30Oh
00:36:35how do you want it oh you could tie it up a bit for me okay
00:36:46but first you must stop slowly let it get harder and harder I like this give
00:36:55me a long
00:37:09Oh my back what is up your back oh I've strained something carefully now
00:37:20Oh
00:37:27oh you must be so careful careful
00:37:44Now, please, do not tell my company of this.
00:37:48Always I am in trouble for letting clients go too far.
00:37:52Now then, just very carefully.
00:37:55That's it, don't touch it.
00:37:57Very carefully.
00:37:58Oh, yeah, oh, oh, oh!
00:38:03Oh, dear.
00:38:04I am sorry.
00:38:06I've got all your fingers, mate.
00:38:08Oh!
00:38:09Do not worry about such things.
00:38:12It's your back that is rotten.
00:38:15Now, let me rub you.
00:38:19I have not hurt your back.
00:38:21Just knowing you care is enough.
00:38:24Oh!
00:38:25Oh!
00:38:26Oh!
00:38:27Oh!
00:38:28Oh!
00:38:29Oh!
00:38:30Oh!
00:38:39Oh!
00:38:41Oh!
00:38:44What's going on?
00:38:45What's this bleeding chair doing here?
00:38:47You hear me?
00:38:48What's going on?
00:38:49Oh, no.
00:38:50Oi!
00:38:51Where are you?
00:38:52Let's have you where you have to!
00:38:53Hold on.
00:38:54I'll be right out.
00:38:56Oi!
00:38:57Sit down!
00:38:58What's going on?
00:38:59On?
00:39:00Where?
00:39:01On?
00:39:02Where?
00:39:03Oh!
00:39:04Why do you barricade yourself in?
00:39:05Oh, er, yes, oh, that.
00:39:07Um, well, er, you see, um, lady tried to get in.
00:39:14And you fought her off?
00:39:15Yes, yes.
00:39:16Well done, lad.
00:39:17Well, you see, it's, er...
00:39:19Oh, I've had a very interesting meeting, I have.
00:39:22Oh, good.
00:39:23Do come in here and tell me all about it.
00:39:25We...
00:39:26You're dripping on that coffee.
00:39:29Er, yes.
00:39:30One of the few remaining pleasures I have left.
00:39:32I often do it.
00:39:34Why don't you come in here and tell me the news?
00:39:37Well, I've had a chat with these old television fellas, you see.
00:39:40Now, apparently, they want you to go on television no more.
00:39:43Good, good.
00:39:44Why don't you come out of there?
00:39:46I can't hear a word you're saying.
00:39:49What is that?
00:39:55Good heavens.
00:39:56What is she doing?
00:39:58Er, drowning, I think.
00:40:00Um, are you all right, miss?
00:40:01Leave her alone!
00:40:02Don't touch her!
00:40:03There.
00:40:04Have I won the record?
00:40:06Record?
00:40:07For holding my breath on the water.
00:40:11Giving up your old tricks, haven't you?
00:40:12Axe!
00:40:13Axe!
00:40:14I hope he hasn't harmed you, young lady.
00:40:17Harmed me?
00:40:18No!
00:40:21You mucky devil!
00:40:23Oh, there.
00:40:24Up it is there.
00:40:26Innocent...
00:40:27Thank you.
00:40:28...flower.
00:40:30It's all right.
00:40:31There, there.
00:40:33Oh!
00:40:46Lucky I got here in time!
00:40:48You are such a nice man.
00:40:51So's the other one.
00:40:52What's his name?
00:40:53Charles Smith.
00:40:54Oh!
00:40:56Goodbye, Mr. Charles Smith.
00:40:59It's been lovely having me.
00:41:01It would have been.
00:41:02Next time we must try to make love.
00:41:04Yes.
00:41:07What?
00:41:08Let's go!
00:41:09Ah!
00:41:10I'll just see the lady off the premises.
00:41:16Hey, lady.
00:41:17Oh.
00:41:18Er, do you...
00:41:19Svenska?
00:41:21Nay.
00:41:22Danska.
00:41:23Danska.
00:41:25Oh, I like a bit of dancing myself.
00:41:29Oh!
00:41:30Are you free for a coffee?
00:41:32Oh!
00:41:50Hello.
00:41:58God.
00:41:59Am I glad to see you.
00:42:10What's in the case?
00:42:12I brought a few things.
00:42:15Could be a long stay.
00:42:18Oh, darling.
00:42:25What was that for?
00:42:28Well, when a beautiful creature such as you comes into a man's room,
00:42:33with a case in her hand,
00:42:35what sort of reaction would you expect?
00:42:38A simple thank you would have sufficed.
00:42:41A simple thank you?
00:42:43God, is romance totally dead?
00:42:46Romance?
00:42:47Yes.
00:42:49With a case and everything.
00:42:51It's obvious you've come to stay.
00:42:53I most certainly have not.
00:42:56The things in the case are yours.
00:43:00I, er, picked them up from your digs.
00:43:03I thought you wanted something to wear.
00:43:08I've given up the habit, really.
00:43:10Annabelle,
00:43:12has it never occurred to you
00:43:14that I'm a flesh-and-blood man
00:43:17who, in my more passionate moments,
00:43:19would wish to be in the company of something a little warmer and softer
00:43:24than a test tube?
00:43:27Of course it has.
00:43:29But I mustn't allow myself to be
00:43:32selfish.
00:43:34No.
00:43:36I quite understand.
00:43:38I hope you do.
00:43:39Work must come first.
00:43:41Or vice versa.
00:43:43Now don't cheapen it.
00:43:44Cheapen it?
00:43:45Cheapen what?
00:43:46I couldn't give my life away now.
00:43:49Annabelle, when is this nightmare going to finish?
00:43:52Surely the newspapers have lost interest by now.
00:43:54They're scouring the countryside for you.
00:43:57Perhaps if I had a press interview.
00:44:00Got all the press there.
00:44:01Got this whole thing into perspective.
00:44:03They'd eat you alive.
00:44:07I'll call back again tomorrow, all right?
00:44:11Look, try and see things from my point of view.
00:44:17Oh, by the way,
00:44:18the police have recovered your wallet.
00:44:23Thank you.
00:44:28Try and get some sleep.
00:44:30For what?
00:44:44Money.
00:44:46Now all I need is somewhere to spend it.
00:44:52Money.
00:44:53Money.
00:44:54Money.
00:44:55Money.
00:44:56Money.
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00:50:39Money.
00:50:40Look at that bloody...
00:50:41Stupid little dog.
00:50:47Come here.
00:50:50Here.
00:50:51Ohh.
00:50:52Don't let him get away.
00:51:04What did you chasing him for?
00:51:06You're a bloody puss.
00:51:07I am not.
00:51:09I just help them out when they're busy.
00:51:39Have you come to clean the windows, darling?
00:52:04No. May I come through your windows?
00:52:09Why not? Everyone else does.
00:52:12Thank you.
00:52:21I'm sorry about that. A slight bit of trouble.
00:52:25You look as if you could use a drink.
00:52:27Oh, yes please.
00:52:29Sit yourself down. Now I'll get you one.
00:52:32Oh, thank you.
00:52:43Do you live here?
00:52:45No, I live in Hastings. I come up every day for work.
00:52:54Oh, that's interesting.
00:52:58I meet some interesting people sometimes.
00:53:03Not me, I'm afraid.
00:53:05I'm very boring.
00:53:07A complete non-entity.
00:53:11Well, nobody's perfect.
00:53:16Cheers.
00:53:19Cheers.
00:53:25Do you work late?
00:53:28Well, I enjoy my work.
00:53:32That's nice.
00:53:34Yes, I'm told I'm very good at it.
00:53:38Really?
00:53:40Interested?
00:53:42Very.
00:53:44It'll have to be on a professional basis. I have to insist on that.
00:53:51Naturally.
00:53:55How... What is the...
00:53:59We'll discuss it.
00:54:50Oh, God.
00:55:21Oh.
00:55:28Oh.
00:55:30Oh.
00:55:32Oh.
00:55:34Oh.
00:55:38Oh.
00:55:41Oh.
00:55:43Oh.
00:55:51Oh.
00:55:58Oh.
00:56:03Oh.
00:56:10Oh.
00:56:15Oh.
00:56:21Oh.
00:56:26Would you like another drink?
00:56:29No, thanks.
00:56:33I really must be going now.
00:56:36There's a little matter to be settled up yet.
00:56:39Oh, yes. I'm so sorry.
00:56:42We never did get round to discussing...
00:56:44Come as often as you can, Doctor.
00:56:48Oh, no.
00:56:50What's the matter?
00:56:54You'd never understand. Oh, God.
00:56:59Maybe it's on the national health.
00:57:02Quick!
00:57:08Doctor?
00:57:10Doctor?
00:57:17Oh.
00:57:20Excuse me for waking you, Doctor, but it is half-past ten.
00:57:26I've brought you breakfast.
00:57:28Eggs, bacon, toast, a selection of confiture.
00:57:30Will that be satisfactory?
00:57:36No early morning runs?
00:57:38Oh, no, no, no.
00:57:40I thought you'd like a lie-in after your night out last night.
00:57:44Oh, you know about that?
00:57:47Well, we all have to break out sometimes.
00:57:50I remember the first port I touched in was Baltimore.
00:57:53And I was a blooming defaulter.
00:57:55Five dollars I paid for it.
00:57:57Sergeant Major, don't think I'm not appreciative,
00:58:00but could it be there is a reason for your sudden change in attitude?
00:58:04Change? Have I changed?
00:58:07Perhaps I have.
00:58:09But I had a job to do, didn't I?
00:58:12And now you haven't?
00:58:14Still got the job, but now it's different.
00:58:16Oh?
00:58:18Remember, yesterday, I told you I had business.
00:58:22And what you don't realise is you are sitting on a goldmine.
00:58:29Yes, I was with a lady last night who had the same idea.
00:58:33These fellas that I was having a talk with...
00:58:36Fellas? Oh, there's a novelty.
00:58:39They would sort of like to have you help them out.
00:58:43Really? In what way?
00:58:46Baby foods.
00:58:48Baby foods.
00:58:50What do I know about baby foods?
00:58:52You used to eat them, didn't you?
00:58:54Goodwin!
00:58:55Look, all it wants to do is for you to go on the telly
00:58:58and see how much you like them. It will be done properly, mind you.
00:59:01Make television commercials endorsing baby foods?
00:59:04Goodwin! You're mad!
00:59:08Look, there's another offer.
00:59:10This one's different.
00:59:12It's got a naked bird in it.
00:59:17It's about bubble baths.
00:59:19You know about that sort of thing, don't you?
00:59:23And it has got a song with it.
00:59:27Boom!
00:59:29Poppily is lovely.
00:59:32Boom!
00:59:33It's moment of fragrance, a kissing caress.
00:59:36Boom!
00:59:37Soothing, scented, softens the skin.
00:59:42Poppily is lovely.
00:59:45Boom!
00:59:47It has a certain ring to it, has it not?
00:59:50Poppily...
00:59:51Goodwin, you are mad.
00:59:53Absolutely stark, raving mad.
00:59:56But you said you wanted a conference!
00:59:58There is a world of difference between doing a commercial
01:00:01and giving a press conference.
01:00:04Just a minute.
01:00:07I don't remember saying I wanted to give a press conference to you.
01:00:11I was alone with Annabelle.
01:00:13I listened at the door.
01:00:23Well?
01:00:24What about old Bob Scratchit?
01:00:26Who?
01:00:27Television interviewer, very prestigious.
01:00:29He's got his own show, you know.
01:00:31Is it a serious kind of show?
01:00:33Yes, say anything you like to say.
01:00:35It's live too.
01:00:37It might just help if people understood.
01:00:41Could clear the air a bit.
01:00:43Did he say when?
01:00:44As soon as possible.
01:00:46Mind you, the fee isn't what the others is offering.
01:00:49I'm not allowed to accept a fee.
01:00:51Oh, bless you, lad.
01:00:53Oh, before you get stressed...
01:01:00Perhaps you'd like to try these on.
01:01:02Little idea of mine, security, you know.
01:01:05Metal reinforced.
01:01:07Little foxhole.
01:01:09Who?
01:01:10Burglars and unauthorized young ladies.
01:01:14But a combination lock.
01:01:16Well, we wouldn't want to lose the key in a moment of crisis.
01:01:21Would we?
01:01:23Now, you have got that guest set for next week's show.
01:01:26And this week it's the doctor, I see.
01:01:27I must find the doctor now.
01:01:29Well, well, well, well, here we are.
01:01:32The doctor, the man of the moment.
01:01:34How wonderful to have you here.
01:01:36How wonderful to have you here, doctor.
01:01:37Nice to see you.
01:01:38Nice to see you.
01:01:39But you know, really, doctor,
01:01:40we have got a lot of problems with putting you on this program.
01:01:43I'm sorry, but have we met?
01:01:45That's a joke, isn't it?
01:01:46This is Mr. Bob Scratchit.
01:01:48It's his TV show.
01:01:49My TV show?
01:01:50Oh, I am sorry.
01:01:52Sorry.
01:01:54Where have you been, doc? Siberia?
01:01:56No, no, seriously.
01:01:57Seriously, come over here.
01:01:59We have a few words, a few words,
01:02:01that on television are absolutely O.U.T., okay?
01:02:06I'll talk.
01:02:07Oh, what's that?
01:02:09I knew it.
01:02:10You're a great kidder.
01:02:11You're a tremendous kidder.
01:02:12But seriously, we want to face this wonderful subject of yours,
01:02:15this truly wonderful subject.
01:02:16We want to face it four square.
01:02:19We want to put it over to the viewers.
01:02:21But unfortunately, on the box, sometimes,
01:02:23with certain subjects, we have to go a little bit round behind.
01:02:29What are we talking about?
01:02:32Would you excuse us just for a few moments?
01:02:35I don't want to be rude to you, doc,
01:02:37but the main problem, the main problem here is the gizmo,
01:02:41the stuff, you know, what you donate.
01:02:45Oh, you mean the sperm samples?
01:02:47Oh, my God, that word.
01:02:49Oh, that word in front of my millions of viewers,
01:02:52my millions of viewers.
01:02:53That could even give Mary Whitehouse a baby.
01:02:55That is a very definite no-no.
01:02:58O.U.T., okay?
01:03:01I'll talk.
01:03:02Yes, absolutely, I'll talk.
01:03:04Now, may I ask you, is there no other side?
01:03:08Is there another side of the subject that we can possibly talk about?
01:03:11No, there is no other side.
01:03:13I was led to understand we were going to have a full, frank, and open discussion,
01:03:17which will finally rid me of some of the more sensational newspapers.
01:03:21Look, Doc, I want you to understand something.
01:03:24We have a nice, clean family show here,
01:03:26and we just want to keep it that way.
01:03:28Yes, but I...
01:03:29No medical terms.
01:03:31Save those for the late-night graveyard shows
01:03:33and the medical programs.
01:03:34We want no dirty, suggestive words.
01:03:37Promise to Bobby.
01:03:39Three minutes to airtime, studio.
01:03:41Yes, but surely there is some form of words we could use.
01:03:45For instance, sample.
01:03:47Sample.
01:03:48Sample, now, I like that.
01:03:49That is a great word, sample.
01:03:50I'm going to write that down right now.
01:03:52Sample.
01:03:53Now you've got the idea, Doc.
01:03:55Sample, great.
01:03:56Tell me, how do you get the sample?
01:03:57I mean, is it extracted with some kind of hypodermic syringe
01:04:01that we don't have to talk about?
01:04:03Oh, no, it's much simpler than that.
01:04:05Sample.
01:04:06I simply masturbate into a test tube.
01:04:08You what?
01:04:09Masturbate.
01:04:11They didn't tell me that!
01:04:13They didn't tell me he was a wanker!
01:04:15We thought you were too young to know.
01:04:17One minute to airtime.
01:04:19Just you wait until this program is over.
01:04:21I want everyone, I mean everyone down here
01:04:24for a production conference.
01:04:26How could you put me on the air live
01:04:28with a guy who wanks for a living?
01:04:30Now, just a minute.
01:04:31I do not, as you put it, wank.
01:04:36Now, there's no reason to upset yourself.
01:04:39Don't upset yourself.
01:04:40Just take a seat and sit down, will you please?
01:04:43We're stuck with you now
01:04:44and there's no way we can possibly get out of it.
01:04:46But if you just take your lead from me,
01:04:48everything's going to be okay, okay?
01:04:50Standby studio.
01:04:51Standby grams.
01:04:52Standby captions.
01:04:55Ten seconds.
01:04:58Ten seconds.
01:05:03Five seconds.
01:05:04Four.
01:05:05Three.
01:05:06Two.
01:05:08And.
01:05:09Good evening, everybody.
01:05:11This is Bob Scratchit.
01:05:13And my guest tonight is a man
01:05:14who rocketed into the headlines
01:05:16with the world's most outstanding story.
01:05:19He's a man I know all you ladies
01:05:20are going to be curious about.
01:05:22And, of course, all of us ordinary guys
01:05:24we're going to meet.
01:05:25You know who I'm talking about.
01:05:26Mr. Big News himself, Dr. Robert Todd.
01:05:29Bob.
01:05:30Um, hello.
01:05:31Yes.
01:05:32Hello, yes.
01:05:33Fine.
01:05:34Now, tell me, Dr. Todd,
01:05:35how did you get started in this career?
01:05:39Television.
01:05:40No, no, no.
01:05:41Not television.
01:05:42Your, what shall we say,
01:05:44your extracurricular activities?
01:05:46Oh.
01:05:47We are going to talk about them then
01:05:49because you said we were...
01:05:50Yes, yes, yes.
01:05:51I have to tell you, folks,
01:05:52that Doc here is one of the greatest little kidders
01:05:54we've ever had in the studio.
01:05:55He had us all in stitches this afternoon, didn't he?
01:06:00What a character.
01:06:01Tell us, Doc,
01:06:02one of our leading national newspapers
01:06:04has quoted you,
01:06:05and I quote right here,
01:06:07as the world's super dad.
01:06:09Now, how do you react
01:06:10when people say those sort of things about you?
01:06:13I feel sick.
01:06:14Such a comment is based on total ignorance.
01:06:17In this day and age.
01:06:19Well, I'm not even a parent,
01:06:21much less a super dad
01:06:22in the real sense of the word.
01:06:24After all,
01:06:25there's a great deal more to being a father
01:06:27than simply supplying.
01:06:28Yes, yes, yes.
01:06:29Now, there's a sentiment
01:06:30I'm sure all fathers will salute.
01:06:32Now, moving right along,
01:06:33because we do have to move right along on this show, friends.
01:06:35Tell me, Doc,
01:06:36how does your girlfriend react?
01:06:37I mean,
01:06:38do you tell her?
01:06:40That's a pretty fatuous question.
01:06:43I haven't even got a regular girlfriend.
01:06:45You haven't got a regular girlfriend.
01:06:47Now, how about that, friends?
01:06:49Here's a guy who's the father of 837 babies
01:06:51and hasn't even got a regular girlfriend.
01:06:53I think that's wonderful, Doc.
01:06:55I really think that's wonderful.
01:06:57There's nothing wonderful about it.
01:06:59You don't need much experience to do what I do.
01:07:02All I do is simply supply...
01:07:03No, no, no.
01:07:04Moving right along,
01:07:05I'd like you to tell the folks...
01:07:07Now, just a minute.
01:07:08I've come here tonight
01:07:09to clear up some misconceptions.
01:07:12Miscon-what?
01:07:14Misconceptions.
01:07:17I think that is a rather unfortunate word
01:07:19in the present context.
01:07:21Wouldn't you say so?
01:07:22Possibly.
01:07:23But my whole point is
01:07:24the whole procedure is clinical
01:07:26and totally depersonalized.
01:07:28All I'm required to do...
01:07:30We know what you are required to do.
01:07:32What the viewers want to know is...
01:07:34Now, just a minute.
01:07:35Would you let me kindly explain
01:07:37concisely and simply
01:07:39just what A.I.D. is
01:07:40and my part in it?
01:07:42Absolutely, absolutely.
01:07:44But would you allow me to get around to it
01:07:46in my time and in my way?
01:07:50Let's not forget who's running this program.
01:07:53It's running amok, if you ask me.
01:07:56Nobody asked you.
01:07:57Yes, you did.
01:07:58You conned me into coming here.
01:08:00You promised me the whole subject
01:08:02would be taken seriously and in depth.
01:08:04Conned you?
01:08:05I don't have to take that from you.
01:08:07How dare you say that to me?
01:08:09You wanker!
01:08:10Who are you?
01:08:11Just some little wanker
01:08:12who wants to come on my television program
01:08:14and talk dirty and filthy.
01:08:15And I'm never going to have that kind of trouble here.
01:08:18You understand that?
01:08:20I'm never going to have that kind of trouble.
01:08:22I've never seen her.
01:08:24My whole career will be ruined.
01:08:26Now, he's gone.
01:08:30Thanks, fellas.
01:08:31You saved my life.
01:08:33And so here in the meantime
01:08:35is some cartoon fun with Sammy the lovable snake.
01:08:48What do you think the boss wants with him, Bernie?
01:08:52I don't know.
01:08:53But the boss says snatch him.
01:08:55We'll snatch him.
01:08:56He'll send him right down.
01:08:58It's the client.
01:08:59Look, Chuck.
01:09:07Phew.
01:09:08Phew.
01:09:09Right.
01:09:11What the hell's this?
01:09:13Right.
01:09:15What the hell's this?
01:09:17This is the bloke you wanted.
01:09:19You crazy?
01:09:20I didn't want this.
01:09:21Who do you think you are, Al Capone?
01:09:23Let him up right away.
01:09:24Come on, come on, come on.
01:09:26Demand a bit of help, a bit of assistance.
01:09:28Get him up.
01:09:29I'm terribly sorry about this, doctor.
01:09:31I had no idea.
01:09:32Now, we...
01:09:34Get the gentleman something to wear.
01:09:36This is a professional man.
01:09:37He should be treated with respect.
01:09:39With respect, eh?
01:09:40Now, I sincerely hope, doctor,
01:09:42this unfortunate little incident isn't going to be allowed to color your response.
01:09:45My proposition, you know what I mean?
01:09:47Because I'm a man of some substance.
01:09:49Self-made man.
01:09:50And Julie is my only daughter.
01:09:55Against my advice,
01:09:57she married this guy Herman.
01:09:59Well, he's not a bad guy.
01:10:01But he can cut the mustard baby-wise.
01:10:04Follow me?
01:10:07And the question arises of a grandson.
01:10:09Someone to carry on the name of Cole Howell.
01:10:13And that's where you come in.
01:10:16Mr. Cole Howell,
01:10:18the only thing you're going to get from me
01:10:20is evidence in court against you
01:10:22and these hoodlums.
01:10:28We're talking price, right?
01:10:31See you in court.
01:10:36The fact of the matter is,
01:10:38my Julie wants a son.
01:10:39When my Julie wants something, she gets the best.
01:10:41You, in my book, are the best.
01:10:43I couldn't do it, even if I wanted to.
01:10:45There's a well-delineated procedure you have to go through.
01:10:48The donor father has to remain anonymous.
01:10:50She could go to the clinic the same as everyone else.
01:10:53How will I know what she's getting?
01:10:55This stuff doesn't come with a label stuck on it.
01:10:57She might be stuck with some second-rate item.
01:10:59It's wrong, legally and ethically.
01:11:02Let's be anonymous.
01:11:04I've got an idea.
01:11:06Why don't we use one of them milking machines they use on cows?
01:11:09That's what I call an idea.
01:11:11They also sterilize.
01:11:13Shut up!
01:11:14Yeah, what's it got to do with you?
01:11:17I think this whole thing is going to be far more difficult than we first thought.
01:11:21Yeah, I've got a contact in Newmarket
01:11:23that does a lot of artificial insemination.
01:11:25Yeah? Is he a doctor?
01:11:26No, he's a vet.
01:11:27Trouble is, this stuff is for stallions.
01:11:32This is a gross violation of my human rights.
01:11:35Yeah, we'll write to the UN about it.
01:11:37Take him away.
01:11:39Take him upstairs.
01:11:41I was violated once.
01:11:43It's fun.
01:11:45Oh.
01:11:47I don't think money's going to work on him.
01:11:49No, we've got to motivate him another way.
01:11:51Tell me, what's next to money?
01:11:53Sex.
01:11:54Right, right.
01:11:55Same as a bull.
01:11:56You've got to show him a cow.
01:11:58Right?
01:11:59Right.
01:12:00Yeah.
01:12:03I'll tell you what.
01:12:05Get me every good-looking girl down here.
01:12:07Yeah.
01:12:08We're going to turn him on so hard, he'll be begging for mercy.
01:12:26Who are you?
01:12:30I'm your personal maid, sir.
01:12:32Oh, yes.
01:12:34Well, there's no need to be that personal.
01:12:36Oh, we only try to wake you up.
01:12:38We?
01:12:41Good morning, sir.
01:12:44Good morning.
01:12:46Good morning, sir.
01:12:48Oh, yes.
01:12:50If you insist.
01:12:52Oh, yes.
01:13:05Oh.
01:13:07Oh, hello.
01:13:09Hello.
01:13:13I have you two girls. I'm going to tell you all about this.
01:13:16Oh.
01:13:18Oh.
01:13:20Oh.
01:13:22Oh.
01:13:26Oh.
01:13:28Oh.
01:13:30Oh.
01:13:32Oh.
01:13:34Oh.
01:13:36Oh.
01:13:38Oh.
01:13:40Oh.
01:13:42Oh.
01:13:44Hold on, dumb girls. Here I come.
01:13:55It's changed, you know.
01:13:59And for the better.
01:14:03Oh.
01:14:08You didn't pay much to her.
01:14:10Gone.
01:14:14She's gone.
01:14:16Nice try, fellas.
01:14:32Oh.
01:14:40Good morning, Doctor.
01:14:42Would you like a little drink of champagne?
01:15:02Help!
01:15:13Help! Someone help me.
01:15:15Help me, please.
01:15:17Help!
01:15:19Help!
01:15:21Why? What's the matter?
01:15:23My pussy's stuck.
01:15:25I, uh, better help you down first.
01:15:40Hold them, miss!
01:15:43Oh!
01:15:44Ah!
01:15:51Oh!
01:15:55Keep trying, fellas.
01:15:57Keep breathing, otherwise I'm on my own!
01:16:28Ah!
01:16:31Ah!
01:16:34Ah!
01:16:37Ah!
01:16:40Ah!
01:16:43Ah!
01:16:46Ah!
01:16:49Ah!
01:16:52Ah!
01:17:00Sorry, not today.
01:17:17What are the charges?
01:17:19Abduction.
01:17:20Kidnap.
01:17:21Kidnap, assault, illegal detention, bodily harm, maybe rape.
01:17:27You mean could be serious?
01:17:28Serious, would you believe 20 years?
01:17:31Ah, it's just lawyers talk.
01:17:34I am your lawyer.
01:17:37What's the matter with the guy, is there so much to ask?
01:17:40I mean, she's a beautiful girl.
01:17:42Most men would be,
01:17:45well, be damned.
01:17:46Why didn't I think of that before?
01:17:49We've gone to all this trouble to make little Julie pregnant.
01:17:52We ain't part of the obvious.
01:17:53We're bringing Julie herself.
01:17:55Yeah, who could resist my darling girl?
01:18:18Who is it?
01:18:19Mrs. Herman J. Pecker.
01:18:29And what do you want?
01:18:31It was my father that got you into this mess and it was on my account.
01:18:35I hope to make things right.
01:18:38Tell me, are you middle-aged, overweight and dowdy?
01:18:43Open the door and judge for yourself.
01:18:49You can come in now, if you like.
01:19:04Oh, my God.
01:19:19What on earth do you suppose you're doing?
01:19:25Controlling myself.
01:19:27Mrs. Pecker.
01:19:30Mrs. Pecker, I know this must seem rather foolish, but...
01:19:35Foolish? It's the most ridiculous thing I've seen anyone do ever here.
01:19:38Let me help you.
01:19:39Thank you.
01:19:40But you don't know what I've been through.
01:19:42Look, my dad is not a criminal.
01:19:43Basically, he's a very straightforward man.
01:19:45Like a bull in a china shop.
01:19:47Right.
01:19:48Mrs. Pecker, if you can get your father to call off his watchdogs,
01:19:52I'll put it down to experience.
01:19:54That's just wonderful, doctor.
01:19:56Please don't do that. I'm on a very short fuse.
01:19:59God, you're in a bad way.
01:20:01Yes, I know.
01:20:02Now, if you'll let me put some dry clothes on, you can drive me to town.
01:20:07Okay.
01:20:16What the hell is that?
01:20:21Oh, no.
01:20:22I know him.
01:20:23Who is he?
01:20:24He used to be the waiter at my hotel.
01:20:26Okay, you guys.
01:20:28Surround the house.
01:20:29I think I better go and see what's going on.
01:20:34Hang on.
01:20:35I'll come with you.
01:20:40Hey.
01:20:41Hey.
01:20:42Remember me?
01:20:44Remember me, huh?
01:20:45I told you, I've got an instinct for the famous.
01:20:48How are you liking my set-up, huh?
01:20:50Not a lot.
01:20:51They remind me of the touring version of Bugsy Malone.
01:20:54Don't make jokes.
01:20:55I've got fancy.
01:20:57Anybody's going to tour.
01:20:58It's going to be you.
01:21:00Oh, really?
01:21:01Yeah.
01:21:02I'm going to be your manager.
01:21:03I'm going to tour the world.
01:21:04I'm going to make you the biggest piece in the Beatles.
01:21:06I can't sing.
01:21:09Don't have to sing.
01:21:10All you've got to do is...
01:21:13There are ladies present.
01:21:14Excuse me.
01:21:16You get the photo, huh?
01:21:17I even got a name for the corporation.
01:21:19I can see it now.
01:21:21Vampinos, Incorporated.
01:21:23You like?
01:21:26No.
01:21:27It doesn't make no difference.
01:21:28Okay, put him in the automobile, huh?
01:21:30Hey, just a minute.
01:21:31I'd like to talk a little business, if I may.
01:21:33Business?
01:21:34What business?
01:21:35Daddy!
01:21:38Okay, boys.
01:21:39Maybe we stay a few hours.
01:21:41Take her upstairs and him.
01:21:44Daddy, I'll never forgive you for this.
01:21:46Don't you jump to conclusions, Julie.
01:21:56Excuse me, sir.
01:21:58Is that a Thompson submachine gun you've got there?
01:22:01I don't know.
01:22:02It's old-fashioned.
01:22:03You've got it around the magazine, you see.
01:22:04And the barrel, huh?
01:22:05That's right.
01:22:06Chicago style.
01:22:07You like?
01:22:08Oh, I like.
01:22:09As a matter of fact, I've always wanted to handle one of these.
01:22:14Do you have a vacancy in your mob for me?
01:22:17No!
01:22:18Then why not?
01:22:19You're too short!
01:22:23I can't believe this is happening.
01:22:25I can.
01:22:26I mean, that little guy isn't for real.
01:22:28I mean, he's crazy, right?
01:22:30And an amateur.
01:22:32Makes him doubly dangerous.
01:22:34Listen, I've got a phone in my car that they don't know about.
01:22:37Who can we call?
01:22:39Hang on.
01:22:40There is someone.
01:22:42But how will he get to your car?
01:22:44Don't worry about it.
01:22:45Just write the number down.
01:22:50Hey, hey!
01:22:51How's it going, partner, huh?
01:23:01All right, not bad.
01:23:02Hey, listen.
01:23:03We've got ourselves a first contact, huh?
01:23:05You've got ten minutes.
01:23:08Oh, you make me so happy.
01:23:10Oh, this is like a dream come true.
01:23:12You just don't know what this means to me.
01:23:15Oh, no.
01:23:16It's him you've got to do it with.
01:23:17Not me, lady.
01:23:18Oh, I know.
01:23:20But just couldn't you give me time to get something for my car?
01:23:23You know, something thin and frilly.
01:23:25Oh, you want to do it right.
01:23:27Okay.
01:23:28Never let me say that Pietro ain't no romantic.
01:23:31You go get what you want.
01:23:33You go with the lady, huh?
01:23:45Mr. Gong.
01:23:46You're going to thank me for this.
01:23:50Yes.
01:23:52Yes.
01:23:54Yes.
01:23:56Yes, I've got that.
01:23:57Look, I don't quite understand.
01:24:00Hello?
01:24:01Hello?
01:24:02Hello, hello.
01:24:03What was that?
01:24:04It was a girl.
01:24:05Called Julie.
01:24:06Julie?
01:24:07American.
01:24:09She said that Robert's been taken by gangsters.
01:24:13Oh, I suppose we'd better call the police.
01:24:15Oh, dear, it's going to make a terrible fuss.
01:24:17Please, ma'am.
01:24:18Let me do it.
01:24:19Oh, if you're army friends, no fuss.
01:24:21Please, ma'am.
01:24:22Please.
01:24:23Just like old times.
01:24:24No, it's got to be discreet and quiet.
01:24:26Discreet.
01:24:27Quiet.
01:24:28Of course.
01:24:29That was our motto.
01:24:32Discreet and quiet.
01:24:34With the lads.
01:24:35With the lads.
01:24:59Listen.
01:25:00Listen.
01:25:01I'm going to count to ten.
01:25:03If you ain't started then, poof.
01:25:07You're going to look awfully silly touring the States with a corpse.
01:25:12Maybe I'll forget all about that.
01:25:14Being a waiter was easier than this.
01:25:17Why don't you do something?
01:25:18You're supposed to be on my side.
01:25:19Do something.
01:25:25What was that?
01:25:31I said, get those ladders up!
01:25:37That's Goodwin.
01:25:39Who's he?
01:25:40Don't ask questions.
01:25:41Just get dressed.
01:25:43Hey, what's going on here?
01:25:45Get that thing off the little property.
01:25:47You've got no permission here.
01:25:49I don't need permission in an emergency, fuck.
01:25:52I want to see the ladder everywhere now.
01:25:55There's no fire here.
01:25:57No point in waiting until the last minute, is there, sir?
01:26:01Sergeant Major.
01:26:03That's the one.
01:26:04I want to ladder up that window, smudger.
01:26:07He's a phony.
01:26:08Get in your gun.
01:26:11Come on, move it in, lads.
01:26:12Move it in.
01:26:22Now we're going to see who's boss.
01:26:24Hey!
01:26:25Hey!
01:26:31Out of the way!
01:26:37He's in the air, don't let him get away!
01:26:56Out of the way!
01:27:04Hey, lads!
01:27:05Come on!
01:27:06Let's go!
01:27:25Move it!
01:27:39Get behind us!
01:27:41Julie!
01:27:46Darling, you're pregnant.
01:27:47They told me after you'd left.
01:27:49Darling.
01:27:55That boy's incorrigible!
01:27:57Kim Jones!
01:27:59No!
01:28:26They call me Red.
01:28:28Just hold on.
01:28:31I'm coming.
01:28:33Just hold on.
01:28:36I'm here.
01:28:38Just hold on.
01:28:40I'm coming.
01:28:42Just hold on.
01:28:45I'm here.
01:28:47Just hold on.
01:28:50I'm coming.
01:28:52Just hold on.
01:28:54I'm here.
01:28:56Just hold on.
01:28:59I'm coming.
01:29:01Just hold on.
01:29:03I'm here.
01:29:05Just hold on.
01:29:08I'm coming.
01:29:10Just hold on.
01:29:13I'm here.
01:29:15Just hold on.
01:29:17I'm coming.
01:29:19Just hold on.
01:29:20I'm here.
01:29:22Just hold on.
01:29:24I'm coming.
01:29:26Just hold on.
01:29:28I'm coming.
01:29:30Just hold on.