First broadcast 9th November 2011.
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Andrew Lawrence
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen
Janet Street-Porter
Robin Gibb
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Andrew Lawrence
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen
Janet Street-Porter
Robin Gibb
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:23Tonight on Ask Rockilbert, our special guests are...
00:26He has more Ls in his name than Lloyd.
00:29It's Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen.
00:32And five-star stand-up, Andrew Lawrence.
00:37They're here every week. It's comedian Greg Davies.
00:43And Lloyd Langford.
00:46Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rockilbert.
00:55Hello and welcome, yes, my name is Rockilbert
00:57and tonight my job is to find the answers to the questions
00:59that keep us all awake at night.
01:01Questions such as, why is breakfast in bed considered such a luxury?
01:05Having a meal in your bed is no more a treat
01:07than going to the toilet on your own sofa.
01:11Personally, I don't want to eat in the place I sleep.
01:13I'm not a bear.
01:15Houses are split into different rooms for a reason.
01:17If they weren't, Cluedo would be a pretty pointless game, wouldn't it?
01:20We all saw Whodunnit, it was Professor Plum
01:22in the main open-plan living room area with a fold-away bed.
01:27I don't see what's so sexy about bits of food in the bed anyway.
01:30I've never considered a Dustbuster to be a sex toy.
01:35I want to play hide the sausage, not try and find the grilled tomato.
01:39Anyway, on with the show.
01:46In a world full of uncertainty, we need someone with credibility
01:49to help us find the answers to our questions.
01:51So as always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator?
01:55She'll need all the vim and vigour she showed as a pioneer
01:58of exciting youth TV programming.
02:02She'll need all the gumption it took to edit The Independent on Sunday.
02:10And all the guts and determination she needed to come fourth
02:13on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.
02:17That's right, tonight's authenticator is super-savvy media guru
02:20Janet Street-Porter.
02:25APPLAUSE
02:34Janet, thanks for coming.
02:36Do I have to wear my glasses for the rest of the show?
02:38If you want to wear your glasses, you can put them on.
02:40It won't throw me in a conversation if you take them off.
02:42She's still going to be able to talk.
02:45Do you want me to wear my pants for the whole show?
02:47Yes.
02:49I'm going to let you into a little secret. I'm having to put on last week's pants.
02:52Are you economising or something?
02:54I've been staying in hotels for the last four weeks
02:56and I've forgotten to put a wash on.
02:58Can I just give you a tip?
03:00Get that shower gel, put them in the bath and just jump up and down on them.
03:03Imagine they're grapes and you're making wine or something.
03:06It's not quite like making wine, is it? Jumping up and down your own pants.
03:10How will you be helping us tonight?
03:12Well, Rod, I'll be providing you and the panel with all the information
03:15you need to answer tonight's questions.
03:17Thank you very much, Janet.
03:19And when I think we have an answer, I will do this.
03:22Yeah.
03:24You're looking quite tanned, Lawrence.
03:26Thank you very much, it is.
03:28Is that natural? Is that because of all the manual labour you've been doing?
03:32You've been digging up roads again.
03:34I've been creosoting the fence.
03:36Have you?
03:38You know, it just sort of oversprays.
03:40You don't creosote your own fence.
03:42No, of course I don't, although it's cheaper than fake tan.
03:44Andrew, what have you learnt this week? Anything exciting?
03:47I've just got back from doing some gigs in India.
03:50I'll tell you what I found out when I was in India.
03:52Top-selling beauty product in India.
03:54Skin lightening cream.
03:56Cream to make your skin paler.
03:58How racist is that? I thought I'd give that a try.
04:00May have overdone it, to be honest with you.
04:04Do you know what the family are going to say when I go back to Trinidad?
04:10So, let's find out who wants to know what.
04:12Who have we got tonight?
04:14David did this.
04:16Well, I was going to say, I get you two mixed up.
04:18That's not what I meant.
04:24You know what I mean.
04:26He's a fine-looking man.
04:28He is a fine... He was a fine-looking man.
04:30It looks like our photograph was taken as he was being hit by a car.
04:36I'll be sure you're the next one. It's tragic.
04:39Who's next?
04:41Vladimir Putin.
04:43Hey, Rod, did you see me on Ukraine's Got Talent?
04:49Oh, David Walliams.
04:51Hi, Rod. What would you do for charity?
04:54Well, I was going to do a sponsored Kim Jong-un impression,
04:57but it looks like you've beaten me to it.
05:05Oh, Cliff Richard. Sir Cliff Richard now, isn't it?
05:08Yeah. Am I right?
05:10Do you think you'll get, you know, a lady...
05:12A ladyhood.
05:14Don't want one.
05:16No, what do I want with an honour for?
05:18I'm special anyway. I don't need somebody coming along,
05:21giving me a gong, thanks very much.
05:23All right, calm down. Shove it.
05:25Would you want one, Lawrence?
05:27Yes, of course. I mean, I think...
05:30What a foolish question.
05:34Ooh, look at this. A famous face.
05:36It's our first round, ladies and gentlemen.
05:38A famous face asks. Let's see who wants to know what.
05:41Oh, it's Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees.
05:43What would he like to know?
05:45Well, as I'm sure you know,
05:47not only am I an international pop star
05:49and I wouldn't have it any other way,
05:51but I was also the first man to set foot on the moon.
05:56So what I want to know is,
05:58how many times a day does the average person lie?
06:04How many times does the average person lie? Are you a liar?
06:07I'm genetically programmed to lie. I'm a complete liar.
06:10As a woman, you mean?
06:12No.
06:14I think that was a sad, sad thing. I'll just ignore that.
06:18No, I'm programmed to lie because both my parents were liars.
06:21They told me they were married,
06:23and then when I was eight, I discovered they weren't married
06:26and I was born out of wedlock.
06:28You bastard.
06:31You were my infant.
06:33You know, when you get that difficult moment
06:35when your beloved wife asks you
06:37whether her bottom looks big in something,
06:39that is not when you tell the truth.
06:42Has she got a fat arse, your missus?
06:46I told my niece recently
06:48that the picture she'd done of me was really good.
06:51There we are. It was absolutely rubbish.
06:54Absolutely rubbish. It could have been a lorry.
06:58But then, to be fair... I can understand that.
07:02My nephew was asking me about the tooth fairy,
07:05and I said, as well as the tooth fairy,
07:07there's also something called the finger fairy.
07:09If you sleep with your hand under the pillow,
07:11then it'll take one of your fingers.
07:16Why did he tell her that?
07:17Just to amuse myself.
07:21Did it work?
07:22Yeah, cos he hasn't slept since.
07:26Let's have a fact, please, Janet, about lying.
07:29The top lie for a man is,
07:32I didn't have that much to drink.
07:35And the top lie for a woman is,
07:37nothing's wrong, I'm fine.
07:41See, that's not even a lie, is it?
07:43A lie is meant to deceive.
07:45Women aren't trying to deceive when they do that.
07:47No, they're sending a message out.
07:49Yeah, no, that's a statement.
07:51For goodness sake.
07:52They're not lying at all. That's not a women's lie.
07:54Women lie every time they put on make-up.
07:59That is an interesting one.
08:00You're not getting away with that.
08:02No, Wonder Brass, that's a bit of a lie.
08:04Make-up, wigs, it's all lies.
08:05Well, they have those man things now you can get in supermarkets
08:08that hold all your moobs in and pull up your bits.
08:11Can you grab make-up?
08:19You've got another fact for us, Janet.
08:20Yeah, fact.
08:21Your nose swells up like Pinocchio when you lie.
08:25Erectile tissues in your nose fill up with blood.
08:29This is why some people scratch their noses when they're lying.
08:34That is true. That is a tell, isn't it?
08:36That is a leak, a tell, a physical leak.
08:38When you're lying, you scratch your nose.
08:40Yeah.
08:41I've never seen it particularly swell up, though.
08:43Have you noticed that?
08:44I've never seen somebody's nose...
08:46Well, you've seen it physically get bigger, have you?
08:48No, I agree with Janet, what she's saying.
08:50I think if you think of famous liars, a lot of them have big noses.
08:54Like she said, Pinocchio.
08:59And all those other famous liars.
09:00Wait, wait, wait.
09:01Barry Manilow.
09:03How is Barry Manilow a liar?
09:05One of his songs is called I Write the Songs,
09:09and it was written by a guy called Bruce Johnston.
09:13Do you know, like, lying generally,
09:16if I said to you, would you take a million quid,
09:20a one-off fee,
09:22a one-off fee of a million quid if you could never lie again,
09:27and there were some kind of signs if you lied,
09:29like, you know, a buzzer would go off and your nose would flash,
09:32something similar, some kind of outward sign.
09:34Would you take a one-off fee of a million quid, Lawrence,
09:37never to lie again?
09:38Oh, my goodness, no.
09:39No, I mean, lying's far too much fun.
09:41It would have to be a lot more than a million pounds, I think.
09:44Yeah, I'm not sure whether this is a reflection of your attitude to lying
09:47or just how much money you've got.
09:49It could go either way.
09:51Yeah, I think, yeah.
09:53A million pounds is quite useful.
09:54But you'd have to have this thing on your head the whole time,
09:56flashing every single time you told a lie.
09:58Yeah, everybody would know.
10:00I'd buy a hat.
10:06All right, modern technology can make it harder to lie.
10:09One woman caught her husband cheating on her
10:12when she saw his car parked outside her friend's house
10:16on Google Street View,
10:19when he was supposed to be away on business.
10:22Do you worry about CCTV and, like, you know, Google Earth and all?
10:25I don't worry about it.
10:26I think, you know, if you haven't got anything to hide,
10:28then you haven't got anything to worry about.
10:30Lloyd, it's interesting you say that,
10:32cos we've got a picture of you here,
10:34somewhere where I'm not sure that you were supposed to be.
10:38Ooh.
10:39That was taken from a view coming out of, clearly, a ladies' toilet.
10:44Anyone could do that.
10:45It's a simple, honest mistake.
10:47Simple, honest. Anyone else done that?
10:49I'd probably hold it in rather than use a ladies' toilet.
10:52I've used disabled toilets, if the men's toilet's been out of order.
10:55I used a disabled toilet in a service station.
10:57I came out, and the man working the service station was stood there waiting for me.
11:00He said, those toilets are for disabled customers only.
11:03I said, I am disabled.
11:04He said, yeah, what's your disability?
11:06I said, it's none of your business,
11:07but if you must know, I have extremely poor hand-eye coordination,
11:10so that's not a disability.
11:11I said, yeah, tell me that after you've been there,
11:13see how much piss I've left on the floor.
11:21But you're saying, Lloyd, that that was just an error, was it?
11:24An honest mistake.
11:25Oh, really? Let's have a look.
11:27Oh.
11:31And again.
11:34I don't know what you're laughing at, Greg. Look at this.
11:36What?
11:38That is a Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet there.
11:40Yeah, I'm entitled to have a little lunch, aren't I?
11:43Yeah, you certainly are.
11:4412.21, back in.
11:4712.29, he comes out.
11:4912.35.
11:5112.44.
11:5212.44.
11:59You can't get away with that, eh?
12:01I read somewhere that you lied to one of your husbands
12:05and then that you ended up locked in the boot of somebody's car.
12:08Oh, it was shocking.
12:09Well, it was husband number three.
12:13I was making a TV show up in Carlisle
12:16and I said I couldn't come home for the weekend because I was working
12:20and then I secretly flew down to London to...
12:22Obviously, I was having a dirty weekend with this rock guitarist.
12:27We went somewhere for dinner and I walked in
12:30and there was my husband sitting in the restaurant.
12:32And that's when I turned around and ran and got in the car boot.
12:35Why did you get in the boot of their car?
12:37I panicked!
12:39I mean, look at me, I'm over six foot tall,
12:41I couldn't, like, stand on a street corner and try and pretend I was a lamppost, could I?
12:46Have you been caught lying, Lloyd?
12:48I've been caught out lying.
12:50Have you?
12:51When I was younger, I went round my next-door neighbour's house
12:54and he had a collection of Star Wars figures I was very envious of.
12:58And he went to leave the room to use the toilet,
13:01I tucked my trousers into my socks
13:03and filled my trousers up with his Star Wars figures.
13:07How did you get caught out?
13:09Well, I had a bloody Millennium Falcon down the back of my trunk.
13:12That's what it's been.
13:15Janet, are we any closer to getting an answer on how many times a day do we lie?
13:20Right, according to Bella DiPaolo,
13:22a social psychologist from the University of California,
13:25people lie once or twice a day,
13:29or in one out of about every three conversations
13:34that last ten minutes or longer.
13:37I will take that as an answer.
13:45So, Robin, you asked how many times a day does the average person lie
13:48and the answer is one or two times a day.
13:51Of course, the bigger the lie, the more believable it is.
13:53At least, that's what the Saturdays told me Greg and Lloyd in bed this morning.
13:58I'm going to give that round to...
14:01Andrew.
14:06Next up, it's my quickfire round, the Audience Asks.
14:09I'm going to try and get through as many questions as I can
14:11before we hear this noise.
14:13Get on with it!
14:16You don't get the answer button.
14:18This is a quickfire round, there's no time for that.
14:20You just get this bell.
14:26Who have we got first?
14:28Julie Sloan, please. Where are you, Julie?
14:30Hello, stand up. What's your question, Julie?
14:32If you could be any animal for a day, what would you be?
14:35I'd be a zebra and I'd just keep rolling myself over the self-service checkout.
14:44Maeve Doherty. Where's Maeve Doherty?
14:47Hello. What's your question?
14:50Why is it necessary to kneel down a coffin lid?
14:53It's in case they drop the coffin, isn't it?
14:55I would have thought so, yeah.
14:57If you drop the coffin, you don't want to see your relative go...
15:02I think it's because dead people are buried with jewellery
15:06and they're worried that someone's going to try and break into the coffin
15:09and take the jewellery.
15:10If you've gone as far as digging them up and getting the coffin out,
15:13you're not going to go, oh, there's a couple of nails in that.
15:24I think the answer is Greg's thing to stop the body falling out if you drop it.
15:29That's what it is, I think.
15:32George Barnes. Where's George Barnes? Right at the back there.
15:35Hello, George. Hello. What's your question?
15:37Do Spanish people get sick when they drink their own water?
15:40Have you got a story to tell?
15:43What happened to you when you drank the water?
15:45You don't want to know. Seriously.
15:48He was 40 stone before he went to speak.
15:53Water in Spain is perfectly drinkable, isn't it?
15:55You have to drink bottled water.
15:56Not in a public toilet.
15:59What happened, George?
16:00Well, I was desperate for a drink, so I just went into a public toilet and, you know...
16:06Filled the sink up and went at it like a dog.
16:11Never a good sentence in any context, that.
16:16Well, you lapped it.
16:17Well, yeah, because I've got a big head, so I couldn't fit under the tap.
16:22And you lapped it like a dog.
16:24Next time you're in a disgusting public toilet,
16:26rather than filling up a revolting sink and sticking your head in it and going at it like a dog,
16:31why don't you just do this?
16:36Or your hand's too big to get in there as well.
16:39Sit down.
16:46Oh, Maureen Breen.
16:48Where are you, Maureen Breen?
16:50What would you like to know?
16:51Why do you say cheese when you're getting your photograph taken?
16:57You could actually...
16:58It's because when you say cheese, right, you make...
17:01Your face makes the look of a smile.
17:03You could say any word with a double E in it,
17:05so Maureen Breen would be perfect.
17:16Tracey Bell.
17:17Where are you and what is your...
17:19Hello, Tracey.
17:21I would like to know how hard would it be to eat
17:24if God had put your mouth above your eyes?
17:28LAUGHTER
17:32Do you really want to know that, Tracey?
17:34I'll tell you what would be really hard,
17:36is it would be really hard to do the train thing on kids, wouldn't it?
17:39Here comes the train, look out from wide,
17:41and you'd have to go, it's turned into a helicopter.
17:46And if you were in, like, a Chinese restaurant
17:48and you weren't very good at using chopsticks?
17:51It wouldn't be any different.
17:52Well, you'd take a bloody eye out.
17:55BELL
17:56It'd be slightly more difficult with chopsticks.
17:58A little bit. Where are you?
18:00Hello, what's your question, Maureen?
18:01Since we own some of the banks,
18:03should we decide which uniforms the staff should wear?
18:06Why do you want to choose what they're wearing, Maureen?
18:09Well, it's our chance to get some revenge on them.
18:11Revenge? We want them to pay up.
18:13Don't we? We don't care about the uniforms.
18:15Yeah, but if you can have a laugh at them as well,
18:17then it's got to be a bonus.
18:18Oh, what, you want to see them wear comedy outfits?
18:20Yeah, definitely.
18:21Like, when you go in the bank, you're asking for a mortgage
18:23and the bloke will have got a shoe on his head.
18:26You have to.
18:27The Bank of Shoe.
18:29Are you labouring under the misapprehension
18:31the whole banking crisis was brought on by the bloke
18:33behind the desk in HSBC?
18:37Yes, I think it's a good idea.
18:38BELL
18:39Get on with it.
18:41That sound meant that we are out of time.
18:43I'm going to award that round to Greg,
18:46because I thought he did very well.
18:48APPLAUSE
18:51Let's come back to the show.
18:52So, The Queen.
18:53We never had a question from The Queen before.
18:55It's quite exciting, isn't it?
18:56Oh, I'm going to cry.
18:57Rod, did you know that I like to keep up with technology?
18:59I sent my first email in 1976.
19:02Well, I did know that,
19:04because I got a copy of it from my good friend,
19:06Rupert Murdoch.
19:10And I've got a copy of your email here.
19:12It says,
19:13Dear Philip, the Indian ambassador is coming to dinner tomorrow,
19:15so best take your pictures down.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:20Oh, Brucie, Brucie, Brucie.
19:22Oh, no, we're going to pass Brucie over for Wonder Woman.
19:25Hi, Rod.
19:26Have you heard there might be a Wonder Woman movie next year?
19:29Well, Wonder Woman, I have,
19:31but I think you're getting on a bit now, to be honest.
19:33I used to enjoy watching you taking on evil in the 70s,
19:35but I don't really want to spend two hours
19:37watching you fight the menopause.
19:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
19:43I went to Elton John's 50th as Wonder Woman,
19:46and I had that whole outfit with the little whippy thing,
19:49the big double wig,
19:51but I hadn't realised it was just like a pair of pants, basically.
19:54What was that like, Elton John's 50th?
19:56I never mixed in these people.
19:58Well, I wore these great big platform soles.
20:00I was a taller eveninger tonight, about 6ft 8in,
20:02and all the men that I danced with were at, you know, crotch level.
20:05It was a bit of an unfortunate evening.
20:07You should have told them to stand up.
20:09LAUGHTER
20:12Oh, look, it's our next round.
20:14The World Asks. Let's see who wants to know what.
20:18It's an Antarctic researcher.
20:20What would they like to know?
20:24Hi, Rod. Down here in Antarctica, we hear lots of unusual sounds,
20:28which made me wonder, what's the most annoying noise?
20:36I'd be well annoyed if I just lost my balloon.
20:40Yeah, it's just been on their own too long, haven't they?
20:43It's been stuck there for a couple of years, just those two.
20:46And they've heard there's a camera coming,
20:48and he says, I'll do the speaking, and his mate's gone,
20:51I let go of a balloon in the background.
20:53It's been mental. It's been mental.
20:58Can you see what you can find out, Danny,
21:00about what's the most annoying noise?
21:02OK, what's this?
21:04Hang on.
21:06It turns out that a poll by Sky Talk in 2007
21:11voted the most annoying celebrity voice as me.
21:19Second was Ruby Wax, and then David Beckham.
21:23How dare they? No taste.
21:25Do you feel quite... Do you like when that happens?
21:28Well, I can't hear my own voice, can I?
21:30It comes out of my head, and it's out there.
21:32I mean, can you hear your voice?
21:34I can hear my voice, yeah.
21:36No, but I don't know what my voice sounds like, really.
21:38Start talking, then go like that.
21:41What do you find annoying, Greg?
21:43Obvious thing, a baby's laugh.
21:45A baby's laugh?
21:50Yeah, the sound of a baby enjoying itself.
21:54Certainly great on all of us.
21:56I hate the baby's cry, though, don't you?
21:58I've got two nieces, and they're lovely, but I...
22:00It's just such an awful noise, isn't it?
22:02I'd do anything to shut them up when they start.
22:04I'd do anything.
22:06What you want to do is sellotape one of those party streamers
22:09to their mouth.
22:12So every time they cry, it goes...
22:17Do you not think that would be more annoying?
22:19It's got a bit of a party atmosphere.
22:22Andrew, what noise do you find irritating?
22:25Context, isn't it? Any noise.
22:27If I'm trying to sleep, any noise at all is really irritating.
22:31If I'm on a long-haul flight or something,
22:33I can never sleep on a long-haul flight.
22:35I resent people who can to the extent that I'll wait
22:37two or three hours in the journey.
22:39Once everyone's had something to eat, the window blinds
22:41have been pulled down, they're having sleep,
22:43and I duck down in my seat and make this noise.
22:48All the babies on the plane hear me and they join in.
22:52When I was a kid, I developed the most annoying noise of all time.
22:57And I used to do trials with my sister,
22:59see how long she could stand it for.
23:01What was it? I have to do it up close. Do you want me to do it?
23:03Yeah, go on, let him.
23:05You can do it to me if you want.
23:07I bet you won't last for five seconds.
23:09I bet I will. Put a clock on this.
23:11Look straight ahead. I haven't got a clock.
23:13Look straight ahead.
23:17Annoying noise.
23:19Annoying noise.
23:25What do you find the most annoying noise?
23:27Rod, I really hate when you go in the quiet coach on the train...
23:30Oh, that's one of my... ..and people start talking.
23:32And I do this thing now where they're on the phone
23:35and I go up and I go,
23:37it's the quiet coach, Q-U-I-E-T!
23:41On the subject, when you're on Virgin trains,
23:43what is this noise?
23:45Mew-mew! Mew-mew! Mew-mew!
23:49Just randomly, every 12 minutes,
23:51Mew-mew!
23:53I'm just falling off on a Virgin train.
23:55Yeah, Branson, I'm coming for you.
23:57I'm just falling asleep. Mew-mew! Mew-mew!
24:00I asked the guard once, I said, what's that noise for, mate?
24:02He went...
24:04What about the noise that, by Lord,
24:06I have to have on all vehicles now when they're reversing?
24:08And it goes, vehicle reversing!
24:10Vehicle reversing!
24:12Mew-mew!
24:14About to run you down.
24:16I didn't tell you that, but David Dickinson would have enjoyed it,
24:18I'll tell you that.
24:20Let's have another fact check.
24:22OK, bagpipes are the Marmite of the music world,
24:24so here's an unusual take on them,
24:26so check this out.
24:40Tell you what, it's all been Daniel for Bob Oskinson
24:42since the BTM.
24:44That is a goat bagpipe.
24:46Is it dead?
24:50Oh, stop it!
24:52What?
24:54What, you think the bloody goat's still alive?
24:56It could be alive, couldn't it not?
24:58How could it still be alive?
25:00My wife can play a spaniel just like that.
25:02Serve the speech.
25:04The spaniel comes to know her.
25:06She plays the spaniel.
25:08Blows down the nose, it's all terribly amusing.
25:10Down the nose, right.
25:12That's what happens pretty quickly when you come in the room, isn't it?
25:20Are we any closer to having an answer?
25:22I've got an answer.
25:24What's the most annoying noise? Yeah, go on.
25:26Right, according to the Environmental Protection UK,
25:28the noise from neighbours is the most annoying.
25:30That's the thing that most people in Britain
25:32find the most annoying.
25:34Noisy neighbours.
25:36I'll take that as an answer.
25:42So, Antarctic Researcher,
25:44you asked what's the most annoying noise
25:46and the answer is noisy neighbours.
25:48Personally, I think one of the most disturbing noises
25:50is when you overhear animals making love.
25:52Lloyd used to be kept up all night
25:54by a couple of foxes having sex
25:56until I cut his broadband off.
26:00And I'm going to award that round to Lloyd.
26:08We've got through nearly all our questions for this week
26:10and we have time for one more
26:12which is our special guest asks round.
26:14Lawrence, do you have a question for us this week?
26:16I would like to know,
26:18and it's reasonably topical,
26:20what is the easiest Olympic event
26:22to win a medal in?
26:24Can you see what you can find out for us, Janet?
26:26What would you do, Greg?
26:28Any kind of winter sport, really.
26:30Anything that involves going down a hill
26:32without doing anything whatsoever.
26:34It's got to be the luge.
26:36The luge is one that springs to mind to me as well.
26:38You could literally put a walrus on a luge
26:40and put him down there.
26:42And he'd probably do quite well.
26:44I've got a VT.
26:46I've got some film of bobsleighs.
26:48The bobsleigh looks like a dangerous sport
26:50in more ways than one.
26:52So let's check this out.
27:08It's quite erotic, isn't it?
27:10They're British as well.
27:12It actually is a bit, isn't it?
27:14You know what that German commentary is saying, isn't it?
27:16I went into their dressing room earlier
27:18and I unpicked her costume.
27:20Hopefully I'm going to get to see
27:22a nice big ripe ass in it.
27:24Let's see if we can reap the rewards.
27:26Here he goes!
27:28Where did that happen?
27:30On a mountain.
27:32I imagine it was the Winter Olympics in Split, to be honest.
27:34I'm surprised he's wearing a thong, aren't you?
27:36I'm surprised she was wearing a thong.
27:38I don't know why.
27:40I don't know why I'm surprised she was wearing a thong.
27:42Why wouldn't you be?
27:44I suppose you just want to carry as little weight as possible, do you?
27:46Either that or otherwise.
27:48Suddenly you're an expert on women's underwear.
27:50This is fascinating.
27:52Are you surprised she's wearing a thong?
27:54Do you think women choose their underwear
27:56on the basis of what it weighs?
27:58I don't like thongs anyway.
28:00If I'd said to you,
28:02what is she wearing under their underwear,
28:04you'd be wearing a peephole bra at the top, I doubt it.
28:06Andrew, what would you think
28:08you got the best shot in?
28:10I'd probably do the trampoline.
28:12Not because I think I would have any chance of it,
28:14just because if you've got to spend
28:16six, eight months doing something,
28:18jumping up and down is quite fun, isn't it?
28:20Yeah, well,
28:22how hard can a high jump be?
28:24This lady gives it a try,
28:26so let's take a look.
28:28Oh yeah!
28:30LAUGHTER
28:34Oh!
28:36Oh!
28:38Oh, no!
28:40LAUGHTER
28:42Oh, that's terrible.
28:44That is terrible.
28:46To be fair, she could have taken her sunglasses off.
28:48That was why she didn't see it.
28:50That was awesome.
28:52That was a textbook high jump.
28:54She just went too early.
28:56Do you have a fact for us?
28:58Yeah, this picture is of the rather bizarre sport
29:00of chess boxing,
29:02and it's a bit like the ultimate test
29:04of brains and brawn.
29:06The winner will either beat his opponent
29:08by checkmate or knockout.
29:10So they box and they play chess.
29:12I think it's quite a good idea,
29:14combining sports,
29:16and I have, just to finish the show,
29:18I've come up with a little bit
29:20of a combined sport myself.
29:22Have you, Rob?
29:24Yeah, I have. Normally at the end of the show
29:26we go to the lab, but this week
29:28we are going to the ring.
29:30Ladies and gentlemen,
29:32welcome to the main event.
29:34It's fight night.
29:36It's the one they call
29:38in the foodio,
29:40in the studio.
29:42The brawl to end them all.
29:44The clash of the kittens
29:46in the red corner.
29:48After breaking four sets
29:50of industrial fishing scores,
29:52his weight finally estimated
29:54at 900 pounds.
29:56Taking time out from fight night,
29:58taking time out from fighting
30:00a losing battle against cholesterol.
30:02A mad, bad goliath
30:04with no bottom.
30:06It's the Dark Destroyer
30:08of Boston,
30:10Fred Davis.
30:14And in the blue corner,
30:16weighing in at
30:18165 pounds,
30:20fighting in the South Wales,
30:22the frozen-faced assassin.
30:24He's the third prettiest woman in Port Talbot.
30:26Lloyd Ladyboy Langford!
30:28Ladies and gentlemen,
30:30we are here.
30:32You can take the mic away
30:34and I'll explain the rules
30:36of the innovative sport you're about to see.
30:38Think gladiators meets
30:40The Only Way is Essex.
30:42It's a combination of wrestling
30:44and male grooming.
30:46Competitors must use one hand,
30:48one hand behind your back.
30:50You have to remove as many
30:52hot wax strips as you can
30:54Are you ready? Yes.
30:56Greg, the destroyer of buffets, are you ready?
30:58I'm so ready. Please ring the bell.
31:00On we're off. Round one.
31:16The old look away and grab for Ladyboy.
31:20Get in, Langford.
31:24Get in.
31:28That's it.
31:30They're for trying to pull Greg's leotard off.
31:32Lloyd, please raise your arm.
31:36You get to do it in a minute.
31:38Hold your arm up, Lloyd.
31:42OK.
31:44Go. Never cross me, Langford.
31:54And wax on.
31:56Oh, what's this?
32:02Awesome for the Ladyboy.
32:08Lloyd's been training for this.
32:10I was only talking about this this afternoon.
32:12Oh!
32:26Ring the bell. That is it.
32:30How many for Greg,
32:32the destroyer of buffets? Eight.
32:34And Lawrence, how many for Lloyd, Ladyboy, Langford?
32:36Five.
32:38Eight plays five. I declare the winner is Greg,
32:40the destroyer of buffets. Yes!
32:44I shall be waiting for a thought with you.
32:46Postures in. Keep your elbow in the middle.
32:48Nice and tight. You two kneel down. Here's the trophy.
32:50Everybody get a hand on the cup, please,
32:52if you could get, if you could hold it.
32:54Ladies and gentlemen,
32:562,000-year-old, Robustly Chubby,
32:58Greg Davis, the dark destroyer of buffets!
33:00APPLAUSE
33:10What a short-lived victory that turned out to be.
33:12Janet, do you have an answer for us
33:14on what is the easiest Olympic event to win?
33:16OK, according to leading sports scientist
33:18Dr Peter Stavis,
33:20although there are no really easy Olympic sports,
33:22the easy one to win a medal in
33:24is shooting.
33:26His research took into account
33:28numerous athletic factors,
33:30such as endurance, speed
33:32and physical durability.
33:34I will take that as an answer.
33:36Thank you.
33:38APPLAUSE
33:40That, ladies and gentlemen,
33:42is pretty much it for tonight.
33:44So, people of Britain, if you've got a question,
33:46you can tweet hashtag ASTROD on Twitter.
33:48And for tonight, it's thanks to Laurence Clyne-Bowen,
33:50Andrew Lawrence,
33:52Greg Davis and Lloyd Lansford,
33:54and, of course, our authenticator
33:56Janet Street-Porter!
33:58I'm Rod Gilbert. You can ask me literally anything.
34:00Good night.
34:02APPLAUSE
34:08The Awakening and Wuthering Heights
34:10are on the list for Film 2011,
34:12next tonight here on BBC One,
34:14while on BBC Two, talking to the
34:16string-vested Scottish legend
34:18John Sargent meets
34:20Rapsi Nesbitt.
34:26SINGER VOCALIZES