First broadcast 23rd June 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
David Walliams
Vic Reeves
Krishnan Guru-Murthy
Louis Walsh
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
David Walliams
Vic Reeves
Krishnan Guru-Murthy
Louis Walsh
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 8 out of 10 Cats, here's the news, it's Krishnan Guru-Murthy, Lord of the Manor,
00:27Vic Reeves, and their captain, John Locke. And facing them tonight, from Little Britain,
00:35it's David Walliams. He's got the X-Factor, Louis Walsh, and their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:45Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:50Hello, and welcome to 8 out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
00:59Did you know, for example, an American man called Charles Osborne has had the hiccups for the past 19 years?
01:05If you're watching, Charles, boo!
01:08The lenses in your eyes continue to grow throughout your life, which explains why old ladies are so good at word searches.
01:1990% of women would prefer a man to be chivalrous rather than politically correct.
01:23That's why, when some slag is slinging a rook, I always open the door.
01:29Right, let's get started.
01:37What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:40We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:45It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points. Sean's team.
01:50I think they've been talking about the whaling. The Japanese tried to reintroduce whaling.
01:56Boo!
01:59What's wrong with whaling?
02:08Christian, you're on the proper news.
02:11What do you know about whales?
02:12They say, we want to start whaling again, and they're trying to persuade world opinion on the International Whaling Commission to back them.
02:18And they say, if you don't back us, we'll just leave and do it anyway.
02:21So, that's the Japanese for you.
02:24Well, is that going to be on Channel 4 News?
02:27So, to conclude, that's the Japanese for you.
02:30What can you fucking do?
02:36I like Christian in tonight, because you've got a couple of buttons undone, haven't you?
02:41I'm not allowed, I'm not allowed. I tried reading the news without a tie once, and my boss wouldn't let me go on.
02:46You learn to wear shorts on a really hot day.
02:49Whales are supposed to be one of the most intelligent animals on the planet. I read somewhere this week, a whale's supposed to have an IQ of 2,000.
02:55I don't know the measure of that.
02:56They can't even hold a fucking pen.
02:57I know.
02:59A pen in a little hole.
03:02Well, that whale that came up the Thames, one day in London, died of stress.
03:09They're supposed to have very therapeutic qualities, whales, aren't they?
03:11Their whale song is supposed to be relaxing.
03:13You know, that noise, they're sort of like...
03:17I didn't know it sounds more like they're faxing.
03:22Louis, did you get that?
03:25That sounds like G4.
03:26The whale brothers.
03:28Let's see if it's one of the top five talking points this week.
03:31Yes, it is.
03:33Yes, commercial whaling is back on the international agenda after Japan forced a vote.
03:37To be honest, I went off whaling when it went all commercial.
03:39I like the early stuff.
03:43Right, Dave, David and Louis, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
03:46World Cup.
03:47Can't get away from it, can you?
03:49We won the group, didn't we?
03:52Two-all draw with the mighty Sweden.
03:57But there's been more interesting, the WAGs, the wives and girlfriends.
04:00I would love to be a footballer's wife.
04:03It's just a great life, you just get to go out shopping all the time.
04:08Colleen sent one of her friends back to Liverpool to do some shopping for her.
04:12From Baden-Baden back to Liverpool, obviously the fashion capital of Europe.
04:16How badly do you need something from JJB Sports?
04:21Who's going to win?
04:22The best team.
04:24The best kickers.
04:25Yeah, come on, the striker.
04:28England United.
04:30Christian, have you been watching the football?
04:32The tragedy of Michael Owen, obviously...
04:34Is he not very good?
04:38His terrible injury, which was really upsetting.
04:40What injury did he get?
04:41A cruciate.
04:42A cruciate ligament.
04:43Where's that?
04:44It's just around your knee.
04:48Can you show me on your knee?
04:51I want to see your knee.
04:55Please.
04:59There.
05:10David, you seem to have nailed your colours to a different mast tonight.
05:14Well, did you ask not to be with me?
05:16Because last time I was with you, and you seemed to not like it.
05:22And now I'm over here, with Louis Walsh.
05:27I think you're a perfect boy band cheerleader.
05:30Who out of us here today could make it in a boy band?
05:34I think Jimmy.
05:36Jimmy?
05:37I think Jimmy.
05:41I think Jimmy's good.
05:44Talking about pundits here, is anybody else so irritated in this World Cup
05:47by the amount of statistics that they throw in during a game
05:50that you're just completely not bloody interested in at all?
05:54He's just, you know, that's the 199th goal since 1938 scored by a Swedish bloke.
05:59Well, I know.
06:01He said the other night, he went and lied in the England substitutes,
06:04he went, Theo Walcott there, he's got a provisional driving licence.
06:09Jimmy.
06:11Has he? Has he?
06:13Well, get him on then. No, get him on, no.
06:16Louis, presumably the Irish supporters are getting behind Wayne Rooney,
06:19because he's fairly Irish, isn't he?
06:20Yeah, he's pretty Irish. He looks Irish, doesn't he?
06:22He comes from Liverpool, and also he's shaped like a potato.
06:28He's a really good footballer.
06:30Yeah, he is.
06:32Which is lucky, because otherwise he'd be in Asda car park.
06:37Is he the striker?
06:39Yes.
06:40The striker.
06:41The striker's going to win.
06:42Mickey Rooney, come on!
06:45Come on, yes!
06:47Albert Finney, not it!
06:50Is Albert Finney in the group?
06:52No, he's not, and you know that.
06:55I'd like to watch an England game with you, commentator.
06:58Right, let's have a look and see if the World Cup is one of the most talked about things.
07:01I'm guessing it is.
07:04Yes, of course. The number one talking point this week.
07:07Yes, England have proved to the last 16 and will play Ecuador on Sunday.
07:11A lot of people are taking sick days to watch England matches.
07:13Unfortunately, Michael Owen is one of them.
07:17Right, Sean, Vic and Krishnan, what have the nation been talking about this week?
07:20They've been talking about that photo that was in all the newspapers.
07:23Did everyone see that?
07:24Prince Philip breaking wind on the water balcony.
07:28Oh, take away your OBE.
07:31How dare you?
07:34He looks very pleased with himself, doesn't he?
07:37As he raises one leg.
07:38Pull one's finger.
07:44It's interesting that every member of the family has a slightly different response.
07:48Prince Harry, being young, thinks it's very funny.
07:51The Queen is not amused.
07:54Prince Charles just looks confused.
07:57I'll just explain that when they're in the carriage together, she's always going like that.
08:02The reason they're laughing, he's probably treading on a fox's neck.
08:06They love that kind of thing.
08:08Who's the boy at the back?
08:10Prince Harry.
08:11He's doing the owl thing, isn't he?
08:13He's trying to blame it on an owl.
08:16Don't worry, don't worry, Grandad.
08:18I'll get you out of this one.
08:19It's an owl.
08:22Do you think he ever pushes the Queen under the duvet?
08:27Just ask him.
08:33Prince Philip breaking wind.
08:34Let's see if it's up there.
08:38Prince Philip was photographed supposedly farting on the royal balcony.
08:41He denied it, forgetting that that, of course, means he supplied it.
08:46Okay, Dave, your team, what else have the nation been talking about?
08:48What do you think, Louis?
08:49Top of the Pop's been cancelled?
08:51Yeah, drastically.
08:52I imagine you've been talking about it, haven't you?
08:54Well, it's a bad day for pop music, you know?
08:56Because we're all going to miss it.
08:57It's going to be like the Queen Mum.
08:58We're all going to miss her when it's gone.
09:00Is she dead?
09:02Still dead, yeah.
09:04She did Top of the Pop three times, didn't she?
09:07I've been on three times, and I presented it once.
09:10I remember the first time I went to Top of the Pop was with boys,
09:13and we were absolutely delighted.
09:15We were going to London.
09:16We were doing Top of the Pop.
09:17And then we got there.
09:18We found out they had to sing live.
09:20Couldn't they sing?
09:21I'm not saying anything, but we had a big problem.
09:24And we sorted it out in the end,
09:26because some of the guys had sore throats.
09:28Oh, sore throats?
09:29Oh, they had sore throats?
09:30What a hell of a coincidence, isn't it?
09:31Yeah, so we got a full mind.
09:34What do you think killed Top of the Pops, Louis?
09:37Is it you?
09:40Is it you?
09:41Is it the curse of Westlife?
09:42Nothing to do with Westlife.
09:44Girls Aloud.
09:45You fancy everybody in Girls Aloud.
09:47I know.
09:48I do.
09:49I met you at a party,
09:50and I asked you to set me on a date with any of Girls Aloud.
09:53You did.
09:54You asked them all en masse.
09:55So what did they say?
09:56They told me they'd get back to me.
09:59Let's see if Top of the Pops is up there.
10:03Yes, it is.
10:04Yes, the BBC have asked Top of the Pops.
10:06Former host Jimmy Savile will be turning in his grave.
10:09Hang on, he's not dead.
10:10What's he doing in that grave?
10:12Oh, Jimmy.
10:18OK, fingers on buzzers.
10:19What else have the nation been talking about?
10:21Is it Gordon Brown's been hinting
10:23that we're going to build some more nuclear weapons?
10:25Because we need them, don't we, obviously.
10:27Who are we going to pay for them?
10:28We've no money.
10:29The country's cash strapped,
10:30so who are you going to pay for them?
10:31It's a lottery.
10:32A lottery-funded missile programme, isn't it?
10:34With the lottery thing on the side going...
10:38It could be you!
10:43The Russians aren't really a bunch of us right now,
10:45so who does he want to fire them at?
10:47God, the chances of getting a genuine discussion
10:49of global politics here are slim.
10:52Do you think it's a good idea, Dave?
10:54Well, I think the lesbian groups are delighted
10:56because it gives them a chance of another camping trip.
11:00Christian, the nuclear programme,
11:02we know pretty much nothing, tell us.
11:04Gordon Brown's announced that he wants to retain
11:06our independent nuclear deterrent,
11:08because we really need it,
11:09because our existing one isn't actually targeted at anybody.
11:11Ours isn't aimed at anyone.
11:12No.
11:13So if we press the button, it's...
11:15Oh, it's like...
11:17If we had Prescott in office,
11:18that button could go any time, couldn't it?
11:20He'd be like, come here, love, come here, bang!
11:27Is it a top-five talking point?
11:29Let's have a look and see.
11:31Yes, it is.
11:33Yes, Gordon Brown has pledged to spend £25 billion
11:36on a new generation of Triton missiles.
11:38Wipe all that money into nuclear weapons,
11:40£25 billion worth of fireworks would destroy the world,
11:43and at least then Armageddon would be a party.
11:47At the end of that round, I can tell you
11:49that Sean, Vic and Christian have two points,
11:51Dave, David and Louis have three points.
11:57The next round is called the poll with a hole.
12:00We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present,
12:02from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:05Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
12:08so it's up to the panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:10OK, Dave, David and Louis,
12:1215% of pet owners are upset because what?
12:16Their love can never be legal.
12:22Have you got any pets, Louis?
12:24I have no pets, no.
12:26I could see you with a little dog.
12:28No, no.
12:29A little dog and a cigarette holder.
12:31No.
12:32We think you're Simon Cowell.
12:34What dogs has Sharon Houghborne got?
12:36She's got two dogs, small little white ones.
12:38Has she tried to give you one?
12:39No.
12:40What?
12:42A dog, I mean, Louis!
12:46He thought I meant sex!
12:5015% of pet owners are upset because what?
12:53Another very nice place to put a farework.
12:57What is the answer?
12:59All right, all right, I'll tell you.
13:0115% of pet owners are upset because they can't spend more time with their pet.
13:05If it's any comfort or consolation, your pet couldn't give a shit.
13:11OK, Sean, Vic and Krishnan,
13:1312% of men have thought about, but not got round to, what?
13:18Take it away, Vic.
13:21Points in the bag.
13:22It's obvious, isn't it?
13:24Yeah, it's obvious.
13:26The octopus thing.
13:29Like, digging it out, putting an octopus on the head.
13:34With many bells on the tentacles.
13:39Is that the answer?
13:40No, of course it's not.
13:41We're just messing around.
13:43We're just messing you about, Jimmy, we're just messing you about.
13:46Messing you about with stupid answers.
13:49Krishnan?
13:50Is it smashing in James Blunt's face?
13:55Yeah, Sean, what do you think?
13:56Has it put their record collection in a weird order, like,
13:59or the fatness of the singer?
14:01They've got meatloaf at one end, Prince at the other end,
14:04so Elton John moves up and down all the time.
14:07At the other end, you've got your Danny Minogue,
14:09it's not that most blokes would have one of hers in the record collection,
14:12but I don't know.
14:13What's wrong with Danny Minogue?
14:15You sound like you're in a sort of East End cupboard,
14:17what's wrong with Danny Minogue?
14:19What's the problem with Danny? You come to me.
14:24I'm going to tell you, it is in fact 12% of men have thought about
14:27but not gone round to doing voluntary work.
14:29I'd do more voluntary work if they upped the wages.
14:33So at the end of that round, it's two points for Sean's team
14:35and four points for Dave's team.
14:38Join me after the break, where we'll be finding out
14:40what young people worry about.
14:46APPLAUSE
14:51Welcome back to 1110 Counts.
14:53The next round is Believe It or Not.
14:55I'll give the panellists a simple statement,
14:57all they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
14:59Dave, David and Louis, let's have a look at a clip
15:01to illustrate your statistic.
15:03The Daily Mirror calls on you.
15:05Who? Us?
15:07Yes, and millions of other young people like you.
15:09Hey, you two, cut it out.
15:11You're the Daily Mirror, aren't you?
15:13Can't you stop them?
15:15Stop you? More like it.
15:17Why spoil their fun? I never carried on like that.
15:19And look at the mess you've made of things.
15:21Oh, don't worry about him.
15:23The Daily Mirror believes in young people,
15:25and that means you.
15:27APPLAUSE
15:29Well, that was an advert for the Daily Mirror from 1983.
15:33Here was your related statistic.
15:3575% of young people say their biggest worry in life is spotty skin.
15:39Is that true or false?
15:41Louis, what do you think young people worry about?
15:43Did you have spots when you were young?
15:45Very few, yeah. But I got Clearasil.
15:47I sorted them all out.
15:49They didn't have Clearasil when you were young.
15:51LAUGHTER
15:53Are there any pop stars with spotty skin?
15:55Mick Hucknall.
15:57Mick Hucknall's spotty?
15:59He's not good-looking.
16:01No-one knows if he's spotty because no-one's been able to look for long enough.
16:03LAUGHTER
16:05LAUGHTER
16:09Mick's not taking a great part in this round, is he?
16:13I found it on the floor. There was a bit of loose...
16:15You know, this stuff on the floor.
16:17So I thought, you know,
16:19why miss out on an opportunity like that?
16:21It's a golden opportunity.
16:23True or false?
16:25If you're at that age where you're getting spotty skin,
16:27that's adolescence, puberty, and there's all the things that go with that,
16:29like chatting up girls,
16:31and you think they'll be amused if you do that thing on the back of the knee
16:33that makes the leg collapse.
16:35I did it to Christine Ives in the dinner queue
16:37whilst she had a tray.
16:39And I did both knees.
16:41LAUGHTER
16:45What were you worried about when you were young?
16:47Because you told me you were very confused when you were young.
16:49LAUGHTER
16:51Can you resolve those issues?
16:53Just stop it.
16:55You'd love it if I kissed you.
16:57No, I wouldn't.
16:59You would love it. You just need to try it.
17:01I don't know whether this is the forum.
17:03It is.
17:05I am ready.
17:07Let me just give you a little kiss.
17:09No.
17:11You kissed Louis earlier.
17:13LAUGHTER
17:15Well, you kissed my knee earlier as well, so...
17:17I want to work up your body.
17:19LAUGHTER
17:21APPLAUSE
17:25Right, 75% of young people say their biggest worry in life is spotty skin.
17:27What do you think?
17:29I think it's true.
17:31You think it's true, OK. Well, I can tell you that the answer is true.
17:33APPLAUSE
17:37Sean, Vic and Christine, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
17:39For Tony, it's audition time on Star Quality.
17:41APPLAUSE
17:49Woo!
17:51CHUCKLES
17:53Chuck!
17:55CHUCKLES
17:59CHUCKLES
18:03LAUGHTER
18:09CHUCKLES
18:19Woo!
18:21APPLAUSE
18:23It's incredible what you can do in 60 seconds.
18:25LAUGHTER
18:27That was Tony Rudd.
18:29I know what you're thinking. No, that was Michael Jackson.
18:31No, it was Tony Rudd.
18:33That guy's not even a Jackson look-a-like.
18:35Sound-a-like-y, look-a-like-y.
18:37He's not an anything-at-all-a-like-y.
18:39He's like a vague-y, bitty, tiny-bitty-like-y.
18:41LAUGHTER
18:43OK, your related statistic is as follows.
18:4536% of obsessive fans would be willing to swap a family member for their hero.
18:49Is that true or false?
18:51Swap a member of my family for an obsessive fan, though, wouldn't it?
18:53LAUGHTER
18:55Have you ever had any obsessive fans?
18:57I bet you have. A few.
18:59No, well, I've had one who wrote to me every week for 18 months...
19:03Man or woman? ..and begged me to marry her.
19:05And said she was being sent off to Bangladesh to be married off by her dad
19:09and I was her only chance.
19:11And she said, I'll meet you outside Luton Station at three o'clock on Friday.
19:14And I never turned up, felt a bit guilty, and the letter stopped.
19:17The letter stopped, and I thought, oh, poor girl, she's been sent off.
19:20And after my first day on Channel 4 News, I got a letter from her,
19:23it was a year later, saying, I wasn't really sent off to be married,
19:26I was just saying that to make you jealous.
19:28LAUGHTER
19:30And you married her? I married her.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:34The trouble with Luton Station, there's two exits, isn't there?
19:36LAUGHTER
19:38Who's your hero?
19:40My hero's Madonna.
19:42If you had to, David, who would you swap for Madonna?
19:44My dad.
19:46Is it all right if I have this now?
19:48LAUGHTER
19:50Where did you get that from?
19:52I got it from the room.
19:54LAUGHTER
19:56I'm hungry.
19:58I didn't have time to properly eat.
20:00I'm having a banana.
20:02Get on with the show.
20:04LAUGHTER
20:06I'm going to finish it. You might as well get on with the show.
20:09So 36% of obsessive fans would be willing to swap a family member for their hero.
20:13Do you think it's true or false?
20:15We think it's true.
20:17Well, I can tell you that the answer is false.
20:1932% of obsessive fans would be willing to swap a family member for their hero.
20:23Fair enough. If I could broker a deal to swap my auntie Gladys for David Beckham, I would.
20:27I'm not a massive fan of Beckhams or anything.
20:29I'd just like to see our midfield improved.
20:31LAUGHTER
20:33APPLAUSE
20:37So at the end of that round, it's two points for Sean's team and five points for Dave's team.
20:40APPLAUSE
20:44And the winner is, in the name of our final round,
20:47I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls,
20:49and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
20:52Here is your first one.
20:54Most frequent nightmare.
20:56We need points, Vic. Tell them a nightmare.
20:58Nightmare.
21:00LAUGHTER
21:02It's got to be the one where Neptune's been pursuing you on his BMX.
21:07LAUGHTER
21:09Ten points for that one, Jim.
21:11LAUGHTER
21:13Running out of crisps before you run out of dip.
21:16LAUGHTER
21:19Dave, you have a nightmare? I have a nightmare.
21:21It's a nightmare where they're after me cos they think I've murdered somebody,
21:24and then they arrest me and then they're going to execute me, but I escape.
21:27And you're running all night, and it's really, really terrifying.
21:31And all I know is I've got to find this bloke who's got one arm, right.
21:35LAUGHTER
21:37That's the fugitive, sorry.
21:39LAUGHTER
21:41I've had a genuine nightmare once.
21:43It was quite recently, and it was Sven-Joran Eriksson.
21:46It was the night before the World Cup final, and he calls me in.
21:49He calls me into his office and he says,
21:51I'm picking you for the England team.
21:53And I'm going, no, no, I'm shit. Don't pick me. I'm useless.
21:56I said, I'm not even in the team. He said, you are now.
21:58I've had to work with FIFA. He said, I've told all the players just to keep passing to you.
22:02No, no, I'm useless.
22:04And he's going, no, trust me. And I go out of the room.
22:06All the players are going, wanker, piss off.
22:09I've got to pass to you, and then I look in the mirror and I'm Peter Crouch.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:15APPLAUSE
22:22Well, people tend to wake up when they have this nightmare.
22:24Falling.
22:25Correct.
22:27APPLAUSE
22:29Yes, Britain's most frequent nightmare is falling,
22:31specifically falling in love with Heather Mills McCartney.
22:35Britain's least favourite household chore.
22:37Is it helping your mum put her cards up in the phone box?
22:40LAUGHTER
22:43For me, it's bringing out the dead.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:50Your least favourite household chore is...
22:53Bringing out the dead.
22:55You know, when they go, bring out the dead!
22:58Bring out the dead!
23:00You're like the most fun uncle ever.
23:03I'm going to face this way for a bit.
23:06I love looking at colours, going, by my eyes.
23:11There's brownish red and green and yellow.
23:16Surrounded by some blue squares and a purple central area.
23:21LAUGHTER
23:23APPLAUSE
23:30Yeah, you can't fool me.
23:32Britain's least favourite household chore.
23:34Louis, have you done any housework recently?
23:36Hoovering.
23:37That's the correct answer.
23:38APPLAUSE
23:40Yes, Britain's least favourite household chore is vacuuming.
23:43The reason I don't like vacuuming is that if anything does go wrong,
23:46the people in casualty can be very sneery.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:51WHISTLE BLOWS
23:52Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:55which means the final scores are Sean, Vic and Krishnan have three points,
23:58Dave, David and Louis are the winners with six points.
24:00APPLAUSE
24:02Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
24:04and to all of you for watching at home.
24:06That's it from us, goodnight.
24:11Next tonight, Lisa's 15 Minutes,
24:13Milkenham with Davina in Big Brother.