Mrs Slocombe becomes engaged to a Greek man called Mr Metaxas, and her wealthy American uncle Wendal P. Clark (played by Norman Mitchell) has offered to pay for the reception and will buy the couple a house as a wedding present. However, on the morning of the wedding, the best man (Gorden Kaye) brings bad news: The groom is already married, and his wife has demanded that he return home to Greece. The staff, hoping to help Mrs Slocombe, decide to fake the wedding ceremony right in the store, with Mr Humphries as the "groom" and Mr Tebbs playing a very out of character Greek Orthodox priest. Guest starring Felix Bowness. Norman Mitchell's son Christopher Mitchell starred in another sitcom It Ain't Half Hot Mum which was co-written by David Croft. Gorden Kaye would later star in another David Croft sitcom, 'Allo 'Allo!.
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00:00Round 4, perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food going on.
00:12First floor, telephones, gents, ready-made suits, shirts, socks, ties, hats, undergarments, shoes going on.
00:24Ah, Mr. Humphreys, sir. If you've got a moment to spare, there are the frames you asked for.
00:30Thank you, Mr. Hartford.
00:31And you'd better hurry up and choose them before old Peacock gets back from his coffee break.
00:34What do you want these for?
00:35Well, I get these terrible headaches.
00:37I told you you shouldn't do that needlepoint.
00:39I don't do needlepoint. Not now that I'm doing the lace mats.
00:47Oh.
00:50Is that me?
00:52Blimey, your eyes are bad.
00:55I mean, are they in harmony with my personality?
00:57Well, they would be if you bought an electric organ to go with them.
01:01Here, try these.
01:05Oh, no.
01:07People will think I can only fold half of them.
01:10Ah, now, these are good. Oh, yes.
01:13Oh, these are definitely me.
01:16What do you think?
01:18Well, they'll be handy for looking through letterboxes.
01:21Do you know, I haven't done that since I went carol singing as a little lad.
01:24Did you see Mummy kissing Sandra Claus?
01:27As a matter of fact, I think she was trying to push him back up the chimney.
01:31Ah, now, these definitely, yes.
01:33Oh, yes. My mind is made up, firm as concrete.
01:36No matter what anybody says, I will...
01:41Mr. Humphreys, take off those ridiculous glasses.
01:43Yes, Captain Peacock.
01:44Harman, get off the floor.
01:46Harman, get off the floor.
01:47Take this thing with you.
01:48Yeah, to here is to a pay, oh, master.
01:53That is the camisole, and these are the matching pantaloons.
01:58Are you sure this is the trendy thing the girls are wearing today?
02:08No. That's convinced me.
02:12Cheeky monkey.
02:14Where was I?
02:15Oh, you were telling me about this Greek fellow you're keen on, Myxomatosis.
02:20Mr. Metaxas.
02:22Anyway, where did you meet him?
02:24Well, me and Mrs. Axelby was in this Greek restaurant.
02:29On your own?
02:30Well, you don't always want to go with men, do you?
02:34Anyway, he was sitting alone in a corner, and he was staring.
02:39You know how they do.
02:41Well, after a while, he sent a note over, saying he'd like to give us both an ouzo.
02:47In front of everyone?
02:50It's a drink.
02:53Anyway, as Mrs. Axelby said, what have we got to lose?
02:56Well, it turns out that he's very well known there because of his bouzouki.
03:03What's that?
03:04Well, it's a sort of funny-shaped Greek banjo.
03:08And when he played, never on Sunday, we all threw plates.
03:13Was he that awful?
03:16No, you do that. It's a Greek custom.
03:20Oh, well, you seem to know an awful lot about it.
03:22Well, it may be that I shall need to.
03:27Can you keep a secret?
03:28Oh, cross me out.
03:30I've been out with him every night for a month.
03:33And last night, he popped the question.
03:36Do you mean he's asked you to marry him?
03:38It's a secret.
03:41Did I hear something, Mrs. Slocum?
03:43This Greek fellow's asked her to marry him.
03:45It was supposed to be a secret.
03:48Mr. Tebbs, Mr. Humphreys, Mr. Lucas, come over here at once.
03:52I've got some startling news for you.
03:54Mrs. Slocum is going to get married.
03:56Has she been advertising again?
04:00He got her with his bouzouki.
04:02Ha!
04:05Well, she's a big enough target.
04:08Bouzouki, Miss Blanc.
04:10Oh, yeah, he's a great banjo player.
04:13Well done, dear.
04:15As my mother always says, there's always someone for everyone.
04:19Well, almost everyone.
04:22Mrs. Slocum, I've always had a great affection for you.
04:26Does this mean that we're going to lose you?
04:29Oh, no, I've no plans to leave.
04:31Oh.
04:32Dammit.
04:34When's the happy event?
04:36Hang about, she hasn't even got married yet.
04:39Captain Peacock, you are employed to keep order in this department,
04:42not to encourage gossiping round the counters.
04:44Mrs. Slocum's going to get married.
04:46Oh, allow me to be the first to congratulate you.
04:50Actually, you're the last.
04:53Well, do that as it may, we are here to serve customers,
04:56so perhaps you'll all go back to your counters.
05:01In the meantime, may I wish you every happiness on behalf of Grace Brothers,
05:05and take this opportunity to remind you that your trousseau,
05:09your wedding dress, furnishings for your future home
05:12are all obtainable in Grace Brothers,
05:14at the usual staff discount, of course.
05:17This also applies to bathroom fittings, carpets, hardware,
05:21and in the fullness of time, prams and layette.
05:27Oh, Chateau.
05:31You know, when Mrs. Slocum told us the news yesterday,
05:34you could have knocked me down with a feather.
05:36She didn't look too happy this morning.
05:38She's worried about the cost of the wedding.
05:40It's the bride's family what pays, and she's the only one what's left.
05:44Catering can cost a fortune these days.
05:46Well, I know she had.
05:47She started out getting a quote for champagne and smoked salmon,
05:50and now she's working on meat paste and brown ale.
05:54Well, if she hasn't any next of kin, who's going to give it away?
05:58Well, perhaps her friend Mrs. Axelby will put on a morning suit and top hat.
06:02Very good idea. She's got the moustache already.
06:06You are horrible.
06:08She's asked me to be her bridesmaid.
06:10Oh, she'll probably ask Mr. Humphreys to be her page.
06:14There was a pageboy once.
06:16I had a pageboy bob, a full fontleroy collar,
06:20black velvet trousers, knee breeches, silk stockings,
06:24and leather shoes with silver buckles on white gloves.
06:28I'll bet you look sweet. How old were you?
06:31Thirty-one.
06:34I was in the basement of Derry and Tom's.
06:36We did an amateur production of Twelfth Night.
06:39I was the lovely viola.
06:41Couldn't they find a girl?
06:43We're not in Tools and Do-It-Yourself.
06:46I didn't know you were in Do-It-Yourself.
06:48Well, it's not something you like to talk about, is it?
06:51Ah, we hear you're having problems with the wedding arrangements.
06:55Well, everything costs a march.
06:58Perhaps we could persuade young Mr. Grace
07:00to give you a special price for your reception.
07:02Oh, I wouldn't want to ask him.
07:04Well, as the senior man on the floor, perhaps I could put a word in.
07:08What date had you in mind for the wedding?
07:10Well, as soon as possible.
07:12Hello, hello, hello.
07:16I know to what you are inferring, Mr. Lucas.
07:19And Mr. Metaxas isn't that kind of man at all.
07:22Hello, hello, hello.
07:27The nub of the situation is, Mr. Grace,
07:29that Mrs. Slocum is taking a husband.
07:31Whose husband?
07:34No, sir, she's getting married to a Greek.
07:37She's done me the honour of asking me to give her away,
07:40so I've undertaken the arrangements.
07:42Naturally, she wants the usual reception before the honeymoon,
07:45and we wondered if we could persuade you to let her have it in the boardroom.
07:48Not much of a place for the honeymoon, is it?
07:52No, sir.
07:54I suppose we could put a mattress on the table.
07:57Could she have the boardroom for the reception?
08:01Yes, it's to be on the 30th, sir.
08:03Oh, it's booked that day, sir.
08:05You're giving a tea party for distressed nightclub hostesses.
08:08That's right.
08:10I do quite a lot of charitable work, you know.
08:13Why don't you use the department?
08:15Would you allow that, sir?
08:17Of course, as long as we do the catering.
08:19Give me the card.
08:21Here we are.
08:23Yes, well, she could have smoked salmon,
08:26breast of chicken and asparagus tips,
08:28penny for with champagne.
08:30Six quid a knob.
08:32I'm afraid we can't run to that, sir.
08:35All right, we'll do the packing department special
08:39for Japanese tin champagne and a few dead things in jelly.
08:44They'll never know the difference.
08:46Well, is there anything else?
08:48I don't think so, sir.
08:50All right, well, go away.
08:52Thank you, sir.
08:54Where were we before you let him in?
08:56Well, I was betting my dress against your shirt and trousers
08:59and then you were just going to see me.
09:02Oh, oh, oh, I see.
09:04Yes, yes, yes.
09:07Did you shout, sir?
09:09Oh, I gasped. I've got a flash.
09:11Oh, I've got a flash.
09:13Hello, Mother. I'm going to be late.
09:16I've got to alter a dress.
09:19No, not for me, dear, for a colleague.
09:22A female colleague, yes.
09:25We'll put mine in the oven.
09:28Well, if it's a salad, what's all the fuss about?
09:32No, I'm going. Hmm?
09:34No, don't worry. No, I won't take the shortcut across the park.
09:37No.
09:39Anyway, they've caught that man.
09:42Right, come along, dear, I haven't got all night.
09:53I knew she'd choose the Princess Grace model.
09:56What do you think?
09:58Well, that train will have to go for a start.
10:00On second thought, you could use it as a top sheet on the bridal bed.
10:04Turn round.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:09Oh, um, yes, it's going to need letting out, just a bit there.
10:13What did you choose this one for?
10:15It was reduced by 50%.
10:18Well, if it could reduce you by 50%, we'd be in business.
10:21Hang on to the counter.
10:23Miss Brahms, take her shoulders.
10:25That's it, right.
10:27Now, um...
10:29Now, take a deep breath in.
10:32On second thought, take a deep breath out.
10:35That's it. That's it.
10:37I've got it.
10:39There.
10:41Got a bit of a problem here.
10:49She can hold her bouquet of flowers there, that'll hide it.
10:53You couldn't hide that with Hugh Garden.
10:56Oh, answer that, Miss Brahms.
10:59What are we going to do?
11:01Well, if it comes to the push, I could run you something up in barbed wire.
11:04It protects the property but doesn't obscure the view.
11:07Mrs Slocum, it's Ivy.
11:09She's got your call to the Greek restaurant.
11:11Oh!
11:13You'd better pin that up before you break your leg.
11:15Why couldn't you choose a short one?
11:17I couldn't. We're getting married Greek Orthodox.
11:20Oh, is that you, Mr Timaides?
11:22Could I have a word with Mr Metaxas, please?
11:25It's his fiancée, Mrs Slocum.
11:29Oh, oh, well, it's all right, I'll wait.
11:32He's finishing his turn.
11:38He's ever so popular.
11:44Who's in the audience? The National Front?
11:47What was that, Mr Timaides?
11:50Oh, I see.
11:53Oh, he's having to take an encore.
11:56Well, look, will you just tell him that I'll be a little bit late
11:59because I've got some wonderful, exciting news.
12:03What's the wonderful, exciting news?
12:06He's going to have a topless wedding.
12:08No.
12:10No, you see, I wrote to this uncle of mine in America
12:13and I invited him to the wedding.
12:15Well, you know how you do.
12:17I mean, he's very well off
12:19and I thought he might give us something rather nice.
12:22Well, this morning, I got this letter from him
12:25and he's coming to the wedding.
12:27Do you know what he's giving us?
12:29No.
12:30House.
12:31No.
12:32He is?
12:33And he's coming all that way.
12:35Well, it's all because I'm marrying a Greek.
12:38You see, it seems that the partisan
12:41saved his father-in-law's life during the war
12:44and then he left him his business.
12:46So, of course, he's very grateful.
12:48Oh, fancy.
12:50It's like a Hollywood story.
12:52As a matter of fact, I think I've seen the film.
12:54Joan Crawford played my part.
12:58Who played my part?
12:59Walter Brennan.
13:03Anyway, we're going to have to do it properly, you know.
13:05We're going to have to have a band
13:07and dancing and taramacellata.
13:10That's going to be expensive.
13:12Oh, well, I dare say Mr Metaxas will chip in.
13:15I mean, he's not mean.
13:16He's taking me to Greece for our honeymoon.
13:19He's already put a down payment on a package deal.
13:22I'm going to meet his family.
13:24Hang on.
13:25See?
13:26This is his family at his sister's wedding.
13:29That's him with his bouzouki.
13:32Oh, with them ones dancing around in them skirts.
13:35Oh, they're his brothers.
13:39How much is this package?
13:47Oh, here are two cases of bubbly
13:49from the wines and spirit department.
13:51That'll be enough.
13:52Well, we've no need to stint ourselves.
13:54Mrs Slocum's uncle is footing the bill,
13:56so bring up another dozen.
14:01And that's why I'm
14:03Putting in my top hat
14:06Tying up my white tie
14:08Brushing up my tails
14:11How do we look?
14:12A credit to the department.
14:18I can't say the same for Mr Thames.
14:21Who took these damn measurements?
14:23See what you can do, Mr Humphreys.
14:25Come on, come on.
14:29Car coming in half an hour to take us to the church.
14:31Oh, young Mr Grace has very kindly let us have his rolls
14:35to take the bride, yourself and Miss Brahms.
14:38Oh, how very generous of him, sir.
14:39Yes, it is.
14:40He's only charging us 12 pounds.
14:43Has anyone got a safety pin?
14:45She's having trouble with her corsage.
14:48Miss Brahms, may I say how charming you look?
14:51Oh, thank you, Captain Peacock.
14:53You should see Mrs Slocum.
14:55It's a beautiful frock.
14:57It makes her look about 16.
14:59A remarkable garment, indeed.
15:03I'm sorry, sir, the store is closed.
15:05Yes, yes, I know this.
15:07I am Mr Tomiades.
15:09I am looking for the Captain Peacock.
15:11I am Captain Peacock.
15:14I don't know how I am telling you this.
15:16It is Mr Metaxas.
15:18He is in this aeroplane.
15:20What's he doing in an aeroplane?
15:22He's only coming from Wimbledon.
15:23That's not an accident, has he?
15:25No, no.
15:26Poor Mr Metaxas.
15:28He is my friend.
15:29He so wanted that he should marry the beautiful Mrs Slocum.
15:33Well, in about half an hour, he will.
15:35No.
15:36No, we Greeks, we are the funny people.
15:40You know, we are very close together.
15:42There is this member of his family who hears he is to be married
15:45and says, no, no, no, no, no, he must go home.
15:48So he goes home.
15:49Well, who is this member of his family?
15:51His wife.
15:55He's a good man.
15:56He apologised and said that he wants to give Mrs Slocum
16:00the most precious thing that he has.
16:03His bazooki.
16:07Do not feel bad about him.
16:08It was the Ouzo that proposed.
16:11Now the bottle is empty.
16:16It's all right, Miss Brahms, I've fixed it.
16:19Now, shut your eyes, everybody.
16:28You can open them now.
16:30How do I look?
16:32Oh, you look beautiful.
16:37Oh, don't worry, Miss Brahms, your day will come.
16:44She's such a sensitive girl.
16:46Oh, oh, you do all look nice.
16:49It's ever so kind of you to dress up so smart for me.
16:54Do you know, I've never seen you look nicer, Mr Tebbs.
16:58I wanted to look my best.
17:02Oh, and Captain Peacock.
17:05Hello, what's that doing here?
17:08Mr Tomidy's delivered it.
17:10Oh, perhaps it's an old Greek custom.
17:12Oh, isn't it a beautiful one?
17:15The priceless, you know.
17:17Perhaps I'm supposed to carry it up the aisle.
17:21We're not going to be late for the church, are we, Mr Humphreys?
17:25You've got all the time in the world.
17:32Come into the fitting room, Betty.
17:33I have one or two things to explain to you.
17:39It'll finish her.
17:41I'd marry her myself, but I think she's got enough trouble.
17:46Here, I wonder how she's going to take it.
17:48Hers was such a frail, tender love.
17:52The dingo basket!
17:55It's the last time I go out with a wog.
17:59I'll stuff his vine leaves for him.
18:03And I'll feed his wicked old basuki.
18:12You've taken it very well.
18:15Thank you.
18:20Right, that's it.
18:22Mrs Slocum's uncle is coming straight here instead of to the church.
18:25Didn't he think it was funny?
18:26Well, I told him that we'd explain everything when he got here.
18:29At least it gives us time to think.
18:31Perhaps if we give him a good party and fill him full of champagne,
18:33he'll pay for the reception anyway.
18:36How is she?
18:37Well, she's stopped throwing the furniture about.
18:39Now she's just crying.
18:40Oh, that poor woman.
18:42Not only has she lost a husband, she's lost a house to put him in.
18:47You mean her uncle won't give her the house now?
18:49It was only because she was going to marry a Greek
18:51she was getting it in the first place.
18:53Hey, listen, couldn't we get that Greek vicar over here
18:55and pretend she was getting married in the store?
18:57Yeah, like them Hollywood weddings.
18:59Even assuming we could persuade a Greek Orthodox priest
19:03to be a party to such a blasphemy,
19:05where are we going to find a substitute Greek bridegroom and best man?
19:08Well, we've got a Greek band coming.
19:10Perhaps a couple of them will stand in for us. It's worth a try.
19:13It's the only way she'll get that house.
19:15Oh, no, I really can't go along with this.
19:17No?
19:18Well, let me put it another way, Mr Rumble.
19:20Who signed the chit ordering the food, the band and the cars
19:23in the expectation that Mrs Slocum's uncle was going to pay for it?
19:26Well, I did.
19:27Yeah, so who's going to have to pay for it if there is no Greek wedding?
19:32Yes, I take your point.
19:34Well, this calls for executive action.
19:36Miss Brahms, go and tell Mrs Slocum what I've decided to do.
19:39Mr Humphreys, Mr Lucas, waylay the band
19:41to see if you can get us a best man and a bridegroom.
19:44Even assuming they're successful, where do we get a Greek vicar?
19:47The art of leadership is in delegation.
19:50Mr Tebbs, I delegate you.
19:52To find a Greek vicar.
19:54Not to be one.
19:57I have no cognizance of the tongue.
20:00I don't suppose her American uncle has either,
20:03so no-one's going to be any the wiser.
20:05Look, this bills for nearly £150.
20:08Well, come on, what are you doing standing there hanging out?
20:11Come on.
20:19Mrs Slocum's guests are here
20:21and I take the liberty of putting them in the fruit juice bar.
20:24Oh, and I've got your records, I've got.
20:26Here comes the bride, followed by your genuine Greek wedding chant.
20:30What about the groom's guests?
20:32A couple of Greeks did turn up,
20:34but I sussed them out by the ooze out of their breath.
20:36And I told them the venue had been changed
20:38to a Chinese restaurant in Palmer's Green.
20:41Good thinking.
20:42I'm still not at all sure about Mr Tebbs' ability
20:46to disguise himself as a Greek Orthodox priest.
20:48Ah, you don't want to worry.
20:50He's gone down at Fabrics now, getting kitted out
20:52with some very regal-looking curtain material.
20:55And he'll be all right as long as he don't touch the hat.
20:57The hat?
20:58The one I knocked off the chef.
21:00I've gone over it with some black enamel, you see,
21:02and if he keeps his fingers off it
21:04for the third quarter, abide with me, we're home and dry.
21:07I hope this is going to work.
21:09She's in a right state.
21:11Oh, poor dear lady.
21:12She's had more than anyone can take.
21:14Yeah, she's had three large brandies in all.
21:18Is she going to go through with it?
21:20Oh, yes.
21:21She'll go through with anything
21:22rather than let her friends know she's been stood up.
21:28Blimey, there she goes again.
21:35I hope this isn't going to take long.
21:37I'm all safety pins.
21:40Blimey, Archbishop Alitosis.
21:43I don't think that'll convince anyone.
21:45Don't be so cynical, Captain Peacock.
21:47I believe he's throwing myself into a role.
21:49Well, I think it's a splendid effort, Mr. Tebbs.
21:52Thank you. Is that my altar?
21:54Your ovary, Your Eminence.
21:57I picked this up in the second-hand book department.
22:01I picked this up in the second-hand book department.
22:04It's about the right size for a Greek Bible.
22:07It's the British Boys' Annual.
22:11It's either that or the Guinness Book of Records.
22:14If you pull this off, you'll be in the Guinness Book of Records.
22:18Look out, young Mr. Grace.
22:20Grumbold, Mr. Grumbold,
22:22is it true that you cancelled my car?
22:24Yes, sir.
22:26You'll have to pay for it, you know.
22:29Who's that?
22:30Oh, uh, this here, Mr. Grace, sir,
22:33is his right royal eminence, the Archbishop Alitosis,
22:36who has flown direct from Hafin to perform the ceremony
22:39right here in the store.
22:40Pleased to meet you.
22:41Ego, pego, ali, pali, muspros.
22:47Business has been rotten in this store, too.
22:55What on earth have you got that on for?
22:57Well, I'm the best man, aren't I?
22:59The Greek band wouldn't play ball,
23:00but I gave them ten quid and they said they'd play the music
23:02and keep their mouths shut.
23:04They lent me this out of their costume basket.
23:06Oh, by the way, the guests downstairs
23:07are fed up drinking orange juice and fruit juice.
23:09They're coming up now.
23:10Well, where's Mr. Humphreys?
23:11He's standing in front of a mirror,
23:13trying to make himself look like a Greek husband.
23:15And let's face it, he's playing against type.
23:21Welcome to the ceremony.
23:22I am Mr. Armand the Usher.
23:24Brides, guests on the left,
23:26grooms on the right, please.
23:27Take your positions there.
23:29Right the way through there, madam,
23:30if you'd like to go across.
23:31Hey there, I'm Wendell Peacock.
23:34Yes, well, I'm Rumbold,
23:36manager of this department.
23:37This is Captain Peacock, our floor walker.
23:40You must be Mrs. Slocum's uncle.
23:42Yes, sir, and I understand from the guests
23:44that you're going to handle the wedding ceremony right here.
23:47That's a great idea.
23:48Oh, pleased to see you, Your Eminence.
23:53Euripides Aristotle Polynous.
23:58Polypelomus.
24:00I was in Greece during the war,
24:02and I understand some of your customs.
24:04Benedictine Calvados.
24:08Gee, I've got to make a donation to their church.
24:11That guy's held up with safety pins.
24:14You, sir, I presume, are the groom.
24:17Me, Mr. Leucopolis, me, Vesta Manor.
24:19Oh, pleased to meet you.
24:21Yeah, nice to meet you, too.
24:22Now, where is my little niece, Betty?
24:24I haven't seen her since you were so high.
24:26She's had a pretty little girl.
24:27You'll probably notice quite a change.
24:34This is my pretty little girl.
24:40Excuse me, sir, excuse me, sir.
24:42That is the groom.
24:45You may remember the uniform of the Greek National Guard.
24:49Some of the finest fighting soldiers in the whole wide world.
24:52They've never been known to turn their backs on the enemy.
24:56Sound tactics.
24:58Me, Mr. Metaxas.
25:00I've just met your best man, Mr. Leucopolis.
25:03No, no, Leucopolis, we come from Samey Village.
25:05Oh, where is that?
25:06Hoft House.
25:09Captain Peacock, perhaps you'd like to go and fetch the bride.
25:11Certainly, sir, certainly.
25:13Mrs. Slocum.
25:14Mrs. Slocum, are you free?
25:18Mr. Harmon, play the music.
25:19Yes, sir.
25:49Believe yourself, Mrs. Slocum.
25:57Proceed your evidence.
25:59Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:05Proceed your evidence.
26:13I mean, I have a jewelry.
26:16I thought it would make me a funny reality.
26:19Ha, ha, ha, ha...
26:49I now pronounce you manos and wifos.
26:54Congratulations, my dear.
26:57Right, that's it, that's it.
26:59Club up. Champagne on the table.
27:01Hold everything. What about the bridal dance?
27:04The bridal dance?
27:06Oh, yeah. At every Greek wedding I've attended,
27:08the bridal couple, they lead the guests in the bridal dance.
27:12That's right. Clear the floor, ladies and gentlemen.
27:15Now then, Mr. and Mrs. Pataxis, bridal dance, if you please.
27:45Oh, dear.
28:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
29:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE