Mr Goldberg is running a lucrative side business recruiting his colleagues for higher-paid sales positions in competing department stores. When Mr Humphries and Mrs Slocombe receive offers for the job of their dreams, Mr Rumbold and Captain Peacock struggle to find a way to make them stay, without actually giving them rises. Guest starring Jeffrey Segal.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Morning, Mr. Humboldt, sir. Your coffee.
00:26Why isn't the coffee in the cup?
00:28The canteen are supplying instant in the packet. Look, I'll show you how.
00:34Now that is the magic powder.
00:38Are you ready to drink it now?
00:40I will be in the fullness of time.
00:41I'm sorry, sir, that's not good enough. You have to be ready to drink it at once.
00:45Why is that?
00:46Well, it's instant coffee.
00:47So-called because there is only one instance when it tastes like coffee.
00:55And go!
00:59Go on, drink it all up. Go on, go on.
01:00All up, drink it all up, sir.
01:02Oh, that's so lovely, sir. Go on. That's it, that's it. Go on, right now.
01:06See? See?
01:07Right, now, today is Friday, which is pay day,
01:10so can I have the money to take down for the staff?
01:12Ah, now, there's been a change in the payout arrangements.
01:15The money will be brought down by the accounts clerk in a security dispenser.
01:20Well, I don't like the sound of that. I've been doling out the wages in a wire basket for years.
01:24Yes, but, Mr Harman, times are changing,
01:27and the insurance company insists that we use a more modern method.
01:31Does that mean I've been made redundant?
01:34Indeed not.
01:35You will accompany the clerk as security escort.
01:39Yeah, but if I don't take the money, I mean I'm being downgraded.
01:42I shall have to report this to my accredited shop steward.
01:46What happens to be me?
01:48Well, pity about that.
01:50There was to have been a bonus of two pounds that went with the job.
01:53I'm sorry, sir, I can't stay. I've got to go down to the accounts clerk.
01:57Thank you for your custom, madam.
02:00So, anyway, me and Mrs Axelby didn't fancy going abroad this year.
02:04I mean, Spain's getting so common, anybody can go now.
02:08So, anyway, we booked into this holiday camp.
02:12Weren't you bothered by them young men campers?
02:15No, not at all, and it was so hot
02:19that we sat in our nightdresses with the door wide open.
02:25And nobody bothered us.
02:28Well, it sounds a bit boring to me.
02:30Oh, no, not at all. There was something going on all the time.
02:34Oh, and laugh.
02:36On Wednesday night, they had this sort of variety concert
02:41and there was this man that hypnotised people.
02:45Was he any good?
02:47Well, he got me up on the stage
02:49and apparently he had me doing all sorts of silly things.
02:54Look, that was taken of me.
02:57Blimey, you're standing on your head.
02:59Oh, no!
03:02I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen that picture.
03:05You're just lucky your seams were straight.
03:09And that's one of me when he had me doing the can-can.
03:13And that's just after, at the first aid post.
03:18Oh, and all the way through the show,
03:22whenever he snapped his fingers,
03:25all the audience blew a raspberry.
03:28Mrs Slocum?
03:30Pfft!
03:47How are you being served, sir?
03:49That's the gentleman I want to see.
03:53Ah, that's our Mr Humphreys.
03:55Excuse me, Mr Humphreys, this gentleman would like to speak to you.
03:58He asked for you personally.
04:00What can I do for you, sir?
04:02I'm going to show you something that's going to shock you.
04:10In case I put me glasses on.
04:13Are you ready?
04:15As ready as I shall ever be.
04:17There.
04:24What exactly am I supposed to be looking at?
04:27Oh, this sweater.
04:29When I bought it, it came down to there.
04:31Now look where it's gone to.
04:33Did you wash it yourself?
04:35Yes, yes, as a matter of fact, I did.
04:37And you assured me it was drip-dry.
04:40Are you the drip that dried it?
04:44I'll tell you, Mr Lucas.
04:46Did you wash it in lukewarm water, sir?
04:48Yes.
04:49Did you use a mild detergent?
04:51Yes.
04:52Did you use soft water?
04:54Yes.
04:55Did you hang it up to dry?
04:57Yes.
04:58You've obviously not read the label.
05:00This garment is made of pure giraffe wool.
05:04What difference does that make?
05:06It's exactly the same principle as the cows.
05:08Well, it's exactly the same principle as the cows, isn't it, Mr Lucas?
05:11Oh, identical, Mr Umbridge.
05:13I mean, when it's going to rain, cows lie down.
05:16So what?
05:17Well, it's just the same with the giraffe.
05:19I mean, if they stood up and got their skins wet,
05:21it would all hang over in folds,
05:23and when they galloped off, they'd trip over.
05:25Now, what I suggest you do is wash it again,
05:27lie it on a towel to dry,
05:29in some sunlight, not before two o'clock in the afternoon,
05:32preferably with a cool westerly breeze blowing.
05:35If you have any trouble, don't hesitate to bring it back.
05:38Good morning.
05:42Good morning.
05:44What a salesman you are, Mr Humphreys.
05:47A silver tongue, a golden smile, a warm heart.
05:52You should have a great career with the right person behind you.
05:58A man changing places with me.
06:01Shopping round the world,
06:03and looking for the sunshine.
06:06Humphreys!
06:07Gather round, everybody, come along, come along.
06:09Now, as you may have heard,
06:11this is the new security wage dispenser.
06:14Would you perhaps like to explain, Mr Patel?
06:17Certainly, Captain Peacock.
06:19Now, you all have identity photographs on your records.
06:24These photographs have been copied
06:27These photographs have been copied and are inside here.
06:31This machine will scan you, compare you with the identity photograph,
06:37and if you are in fact who you claim to be,
06:40your salary will be duly deposited in the payout tray.
06:44Why didn't it come in a wire basket like it always done?
06:48Did, Miss Bronze.
06:50Well, like it always did done.
06:53Because of the alarming increase in daylight robbery.
06:57Well, our wages are daylight robbery.
06:59That will do, Mr. Lucas.
07:01Now, who is to go first?
07:03I will go first.
07:04Thank you, Captain Peacock.
07:06Captain Peacock is going first.
07:10Stand by, Mr. Hartman.
07:11Are you ready, Captain Peacock?
07:13Ready.
07:14Ready, Mr. Patel?
07:15Absolutely ready.
07:16I'm pressing the buttons.
07:18Now.
07:19Please, to be quite still.
07:23LAUGHTER
07:29The comparing is now going on.
07:34Do not pay out. Do not pay out.
07:41You are perhaps wondering why the machine has not paid out.
07:44I was wondering why the machine has not paid out.
07:47Because it's been stolen by a darling.
07:50I will now look at the identity photograph to see if there is a reason.
07:56Ah, there we have it.
07:58You see, in the photograph you are wearing fancy dress.
08:01I am not in fancy dress.
08:03That photograph was taken for the Grace Brothers Operatic Society's
08:07much-acclaimed production of The Pirates of Penzance.
08:10I played the part of Frederick.
08:12Well, that's all right.
08:14If you just wear a black patch and something red on your head,
08:18you will get immediately your salary.
08:20It may surprise you to know that I do not have my pirate costume with me.
08:24Oh, here.
08:26You can use this for an eye patch.
08:30Here, shove that in your mince pie.
08:32And put these on your head as a red handkerchief.
08:36Do you think that every time I get my salary,
08:39I'm going to parade with a brassiere in my eye and a pair of knickers on my head,
08:43you've got another thing coming?
08:45Now, look, do you want your money or not?
08:47Do you want your money or not?
09:03What have you got there, Mr Goldberg?
09:06Oh, it's a little business I run on the side.
09:10I can't live on the money they pay you here,
09:13so I run a little agency.
09:16What sort of an agency?
09:18It's a first-class employment agency.
09:22I find positions for high-class salesmen like yourself.
09:27Seems to pay off very well.
09:29I do it very cheap, though.
09:31I only charge the first week's wages.
09:35Yeah.
09:44£130.
09:46Who's that from?
09:48It's from the new head of stationery
09:50and greetings cards at Lalion Willets.
09:54And it's only a young man like yourself.
10:01What do you knock up here?
10:03I beg your pardon?
10:06What do you earn?
10:14What a liberty.
10:17Do you know what I could get you at Harrods?
10:21Tell me.
10:25Not just for selling things.
10:28People who haven't got what you've got are getting it.
10:34Are they?
10:35Why aren't you getting it?
10:38Because I haven't got what you've got.
10:44I don't really like to ask,
10:45but what is it I've got that nobody else has?
10:48You've got charm, vitality and personality
10:52and experience and youth.
10:54Oh, that, yes. Oh, yes, I've got that.
10:57Well, some of it.
10:59Now, listen, don't misunderstand me.
11:01I'm not just touting for business.
11:03I'm not that sort of person at all.
11:05Of course not.
11:06Would you like me to make some inquiries on your behalf?
11:09As my old choirmaster used to say,
11:11there's no harm in asking.
11:15Of course not.
11:19When did your choirmaster say that?
11:22Shortly after he told me that I'd got charm,
11:24vitality, personality, experience and youth.
11:28Well, I'm sure you won't mind
11:30if we make our association, as it were,
11:33on an official basis.
11:35Any time you like.
11:37Well, if you don't mind, would you sign?
11:42There.
11:47And there.
11:51Here.
11:53Here.
11:57Here.
12:00Here.
12:02And initial there.
12:05And lastly, just there.
12:08Finally, that's it, that's it.
12:11Now, that covers everything.
12:13Don't I get a copy?
12:15No, when you signed there,
12:17you agreed not to have a copy of the agreement.
12:23But if you've any queries, just ask.
12:28Mr. Goulberg, could I have a private word with you
12:31about that matter that we was discussing?
12:35You may speak freely in front of Mr. Humphreys.
12:38I've just undertaken his representation.
12:41Anything happening?
12:43Well, I tell you, we got feelers out at Dorothy Perkins,
12:48the head of Ladies' Foundations.
12:50And also a very good response
12:52for the position of head fitter at ATCO.
12:56ATCO?
12:58They make lawnmowers.
13:02Are they in underwear as well?
13:04No, they make lawnmowers.
13:06But the money's very good.
13:08Oh, I don't think I could do a mechanical job.
13:11One has one's standards, you know.
13:13It's £200 a week.
13:15Motor mowers are push along.
13:18I bought you a chocolate biqui, Mr. Goulberg.
13:21Oh, thank you, Miss Brown.
13:23Now, is there any news?
13:25I've sent out all your photos
13:27with a description of your experience to date.
13:31And the only reply so far is a firm offer in beds.
13:36£300 a week.
13:39I turned it down.
13:40What for?
13:41Well, the beds was in Cairo and you was on sale a return.
13:46Is Mr. Goulberg looking after your interests, Mr. Lucas?
13:49Oh, yeah, I'm having your job when you've gone.
13:52I should have thought a young man like you
13:54would have set your sights on something higher.
13:56Oh, I have.
13:57When I tell him who's nicking all the staff from Grace Brothers,
13:59I'll have Mr. Goulberg's job as well.
14:01More hot coffee, Mr. Goulberg?
14:03Oh, thank you, Diana.
14:06Right up to the chip.
14:08Thanks to you, I start as the head tosser
14:10at the Gay Hussar Pancake House on Monday.
14:14You never told me that was going.
14:16Oh, and there's a phone call for you.
14:18Oh, thank you, Diana.
14:19Don't get up.
14:20Mandrew's bringing it to you, sir.
14:22It's the personnel department of Lally & Willetts.
14:25Oh, thank you, Diana.
14:26And thank you for getting me this job.
14:28Yeah, it's all right.
14:29You're a busy little bee, aren't you?
14:33Hello.
14:34McVitie's Employment Agency here.
14:37Mr. Goulberg speaking.
14:40Oh, hello, sir.
14:41That's it.
14:42Now, have you got anything about Mrs. Slocum?
14:47Oh, you like the sound of Mrs. Slocum so far?
14:50Good.
14:51I like the sound of Mrs. Slocum.
14:52It's the sight of Mrs. Slocum that's the problem.
14:57Now, I tell you...
14:58I tell you, sir, she's a very beautiful lady.
15:02Her age?
15:0630-ish.
15:08Look, it's a senior position, Mrs. Slocum.
15:11They want someone older than that.
15:13Well, tell a lie and say 40-ish.
15:16What?
15:17Oh, they want someone who's 50-ish.
15:20Well, go on. Now's your chance to tell the truth.
15:24Oh, look, I wouldn't lie to you, Sid.
15:27She'd pass for 50.
15:30What's her what like?
15:37Oh, big.
15:40In fact, very big indeed.
15:43Mr. Goulberg, what are you talking about?
15:45Her personality, Mrs. Slocum.
15:49She will not take less than 125.
15:52Sorry.
15:53So, the ball's in your court.
15:56Oh, Sid, I've just taken on a new client, Mr. Humphreys.
16:01I'm very excited about him.
16:04Oh, Sid, he's right up your street.
16:09He has charm, vitality, personality, experience.
16:14He's got...
16:16And youth.
16:18And youth.
16:20Is he what?
16:26Well, I don't know. I mean...
16:28No, I mean...
16:31Well, I don't think so.
16:35I mean...
16:37Mr. Humphreys, you're not a militant trade unionist, are you?
16:42Well, with suede shoes, I'd be laughed off the platform.
16:46No, that's all right, Sid.
16:47Well, if anything comes up, there'll be no.
16:51So, I've sown the seed.
16:53All we have to do now is wait.
16:57Well, it's time we were getting back.
16:59That's a nice watch, Mr. Goldberg.
17:01Yeah, 18 carat.
17:03It was given to me by a very satisfied client.
17:06Always got an inscription on it.
17:08Thanks for everything. I couldn't have done it without you.
17:12Love, Maggie.
17:24Here's your letters, Mr. Grace.
17:28I haven't got my glasses.
17:29Oh. Oh, shall I guide your hand, then?
17:32Yes, you're very good at that, aren't you?
17:37Here we are.
17:38Now...
17:40G...
17:41R...
17:43A...
17:44Yes, yes, you don't have to spell it.
17:47Well, new spectacles have arrived from the optician, Mr. Grace.
17:50I thought you might like to see if they're OK.
17:52Oh, yes.
17:53Here we are.
17:56Oh!
18:00Oh, yes, they're a great improvement.
18:03And these are your new reading glasses.
18:07There.
18:09Here's the mirror.
18:15We're not having an earthquake or anything, are we?
18:20No, sir.
18:22Oh, I don't like those.
18:25They make me look like an old puss.
18:29No, they don't.
18:30They make you look like Elton John.
18:32That's no comfort.
18:34Pay attention, Mr. Grace.
18:36I want to see how much you can read.
18:38A...
18:40The rest's in Polish.
18:47Sydney...
18:49Blenetko.
18:52Do concentrate, Mr. Grace.
18:55Now, what does it say on the bottom?
19:02Wash by hand in warm water.
19:08Shall we come back later, sir?
19:10No, no, no, come on, come in.
19:14Can we have a word privately, sir?
19:17Oh, no, I've had a good look at that.
19:21Well, it's like this, sir.
19:23During the past week, Captain Peacock has become aware
19:26that a certain member of staff
19:28has been making certain phone calls to a certain store
19:32about certain other members of staff,
19:34as a result of which we are fairly certain
19:37that certain members of the staff may soon be leaving us.
19:40Mr. Grace?
19:43Mr. Grace?
19:44He's gone to sleep.
19:46I'm not surprised.
19:49Mr. Grace?
19:50Mr. Grace?
19:51Oh, what do we do now?
19:53When he drops off like that, he's gone for an hour.
19:56Oh, I'll do it for you, sir.
19:58Oh, drat, my suspender's gone again.
20:01What was that?
20:04We fear that Mr. Humphreys has been suborned by Mr. Goldberg.
20:09Well, he's been asking for it, hasn't he?
20:13What do you want us to do about it?
20:15Well, you deal with it, Rumbold.
20:18The ball seems to have lodged itself firmly in your court,
20:22Mr. Rumbold.
20:23Yes, a bit of a facer, isn't it?
20:25It's one of the penalties of being an executive, sir.
20:28Yes.
20:29What would you do in my position?
20:31Well, I'd consider it from Mr. Grace's standpoint.
20:34He has three courses open to him.
20:36Sack them, wait for them to resign, or pay them more money.
20:39Oh, I wouldn't do that.
20:42Now, there is one alternative you haven't thought of, Peacock.
20:45Yes, sir?
20:46If I hold my horses and do nothing, it may all blow over me.
20:51If I may say so, sir, it takes an executive of your calibre
20:54to think of a solution like that.
20:56Thank you, Peacock.
21:01Oh, excellent.
21:03Thank you very much, thank you.
21:06It fixed what happened.
21:09It fixed what happened.
21:15Ladies, where?
21:16Could I speak to Mrs. Slocum, please?
21:18Whom's calling?
21:20McVitie Agency here.
21:22Oh, here, your agent's on the blower.
21:26Thank you, Miss Brahms.
21:29Mrs. Slocum.
21:31It fixed.
21:33It fixed me new job?
21:35What is it?
21:36Would you come to my office immediately, please?
21:38Of course, Mr. Goldberg.
21:40Now, do you mind telling me what's going on?
21:42Cos I can't stand secrets, can I, Mr. Lucas?
21:44No, you can't, Mr. Humphreys.
21:46That's why you didn't become a Freemason, isn't it?
21:48One of the reasons.
21:50I'll put you both in the picture.
21:52You're both going to Lally and Willits.
21:55Oh, isn't that exciting?
21:57Yeah.
21:58And you, Mr. Humphreys,
22:00are to be the new manager
22:03of the unisex clothing department.
22:06Oh, that should confuse you, Mr. Humphreys.
22:10It will, Mr. Lucas.
22:12And you, Mrs. Slocum,
22:14are to take charge of the pussy shampoo parlour.
22:20I'll be in seventh heaven?
22:22It could be the highlight of your career, Mrs. Slocum.
22:25Head moggy washer.
22:28And your salary will be...
22:33No.
22:34What about mine?
22:37A month?
22:38No, a week.
22:40Hadn't we better resign?
22:41The better the day, the better the deed.
22:43No, no, no, hold it, hold it.
22:45You're forgetting the severance pay.
22:48If you resign now, it'll be trivial.
22:51No, you've got to make them sack you.
22:54Then we can take them to the industrial tribunal
22:58for wrongful dismissal.
23:00Then we make a settlement.
23:03Oui.
23:05Clause ten.
23:06Mrs. Slocum, Miss Browns,
23:08will you please return to your counter?
23:10Can't you see that Mrs. Maxwell is there
23:12and she's the wife of one of our directors?
23:14So she is.
23:16Well, I promise you, she will get the service she deserves.
23:20If you want the sack,
23:21all you've got to do is be rude to Captain Peacock.
23:23What a good idea.
23:25Mr. Humphreys, tidy that counter.
23:31There's just one thing I want you to know, Captain Peacock.
23:34And what is that, Mr. Humphreys?
23:36I'm just going to tidy my counter.
23:40Here we go.
23:42Were you requiring assistance, madam?
23:44Oh, yes. I've just brought that skirt back.
23:47When you get it in daylight, the colour is absolutely foul.
23:52It's far too expensive, and it rides up when I sit down.
23:57Well, the colour goes with your blotchy complexion.
24:02And it's too expensive because you're a mean old bag.
24:08And it rides up when you sit down
24:10because you've got a great big fat bum.
24:18Do you mean to say, Mrs. Slocum,
24:20that you don't deny any of these words?
24:22Not one syllable.
24:24She said it all, and that's the truth.
24:26Thank you, Miss Brahms.
24:28Extraordinary.
24:30Well, we will now pass on to Mr. Humphreys.
24:32According to Captain Peacock,
24:34you serve the Honourable Lavinia Effingham Fuchs,
24:38with two small f's,
24:40who is also one of our most important customers.
24:44That's right, Mr. Rumpole.
24:46I will now ask Captain Peacock to repeat the remarks
24:49he overheard you make to her.
24:51On approaching the customer, Mr. Humphreys was heard to say,
24:54Hello, Dolly Baby.
24:56You've got the best pair of boobs I've seen
24:58since the impressions of Swedish Emanuel's window cleaner.
25:03Did you say those words?
25:05I did, Mr. Rumpole.
25:07I heard him. Everything Captain Peacock says is true,
25:09and he winked as well.
25:11I did? Like that.
25:15Mr. Humphreys, I'm surprised you even saw such a film.
25:18I was under therapy.
25:20I was under therapy at the time.
25:22Yes. He then said,
25:24How about meeting me in the park behind the bandstand
25:27and we'll pitch a little woo?
25:30Pitch a little woo?
25:32What film did that come from?
25:34Gold Diggers of 1938.
25:37This is the most extraordinary set of circumstances.
25:40Are you going to sack us?
25:42In your case, Mrs. Slocum, I have a letter here from Mrs. Maxwell,
25:46who, as you probably know, is a leading member of Morning Glory,
25:49a religious sect that requires of its followers absolute honesty.
25:52You apparently are the first truly honest person she's ever met,
25:56as a result of which she's sent you these two tickets for their next meeting.
26:02You can't just sack me.
26:03You can't have people walking about saying the things I said.
26:06What do you mean? I've been doing it for years.
26:10It would be rather difficult, Mr. Humphreys,
26:12in view of this note from the lady in question.
26:15Tell Humphreys 5.30 behind the bandstand
26:18and I'll take all the woo he can pitch.
26:27Well, I'm sorry, Sid,
26:29but Grace Brothers here got wind of your offer.
26:31With the result, they gave new contracts for Mrs. Slocum and Mr. Humphreys.
26:36Yeah, well, I got a bit of a rocket from the management here
26:39for being behind it all.
26:41But I had a chat with them and made them see sense.
26:44Oh, by the way, have you got anything for an ex-army captain
26:48and a chief executive with big ears?
26:52Well, let me know. Yeah, thank you.
26:56Well, did you sign the contract?
26:58Not only that, we've got our new wage packets.
27:0150% rise.
27:03Good. I'll have those.
27:05What do you mean?
27:06Well, that was the arrangement, according to the contract.
27:11The first week's wages I get.
27:14There you are. It's on page four.
27:17There it is. PJ.
27:20It says in the contract.
27:22I'll deal with that.
27:26What are you doing? You can't do that.
27:28Sew it.
27:31APPLAUSE
27:37Look at that. That's typical, isn't it?
27:40Yes. You try and do a good deal for them and they swindle you,
27:43don't they, Mr Goldberg? They do, Mr Lucas.
27:46Shall we go to have a drink to celebrate before we go home?
27:49I'd love to, Mrs Slocum, but I've got to rush off.
27:52I've got an appointment at half past five.
27:56Behind the banner stand?
27:58Mrs Slocum, I don't pitch my woo in public.
28:01Whoop!
28:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:08Round four for funerary stationery and leather goods,
28:11rings and colour watches, kitchen gowns and food,
28:14are...
28:20Red for telephones, gents' rednecks' suits,
28:23shirts, socks, high-hats, armbands and shoes,
28:26are...
28:31Seven for carpets, travel goods and bedding,
28:34materials, soft furnishings,
28:37are...
28:42Red for telephones, gents' rednecks' suits,
28:45shirts, socks, high-hats, armbands and shoes,
28:48are...
28:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE