Are You Being Served - S07 E05 - The Hero
Mr Franco of the Sports Department uncovers an embarrassing secret about Captain Peacock and spreads gossip among the entire department store. To save face, Captain Peacock's colleagues urge him to challenge Franco to a boxing match. At the last minute, however, Captain Peacock withdraws on advice from his doctor and Mr Humphries steps in to defend Captain Peacock's honour – in a hastily improvised wrestling match. After a terrifying match, Mrs Slocombe saves the day. Guest starring former wrestler Jackie Pallo.
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00:00♪
00:24Good morning, sir.
00:26Are you being served or are you just looking?
00:28I am looking for someone to serve me.
00:30Ah, well, in that case, I'm free.
00:32What's it to be, jacket, trousers, or a new woolly pulley?
00:34I bought these socks last week.
00:36They've only been washed once, and look.
00:39They're supposed to be non-shrink.
00:44Ah, yes.
00:46I see what the trouble is, sir. They're pure wool, you see.
00:49Now, very often, pure wool socks are made from two different herds.
00:52I mean, you might get one herd come from the Shetlands,
00:54the other down in Cornwall.
00:56Now, the Shetland knot won't shrink,
00:58because they're standing in the rain all day.
01:00So this must be the Cornish sock, and that's the Shetland one.
01:03Well, what are you going to do about it?
01:05I shall get in touch with the Cornish farmer
01:07and get his sheep sent up to Shetland.
01:09I want my money back.
01:11Yes.
01:12Mr. Humphreys, are you free?
01:14I'm free.
01:16This gentleman wants his money back
01:18on account of the fact that his socks have shrunk in the wash.
01:20I see. Did you wash them yourself, sir, or did your wife wash them?
01:23I live alone.
01:24Oh, I see.
01:27What did you wash them in?
01:29In the bath.
01:31I mean, what did you use to wash them with?
01:33Water.
01:34Water, yes.
01:36You can go to coffee, if you like, Mr. Lucas.
01:38This is going to take some time.
01:40It's OK. This case has my full attention.
01:43Was it hot water, sir?
01:45Well, of course it was.
01:47Well, you see, it should have been Luke.
01:49It says so on the instructions. Luke.
01:53I can't read that. It's too small.
01:55Of course it is. It's shrunk.
01:57I want my money back.
01:59Yes, well, our senior assistant, Mr. Goldberg,
02:01will have to make that decision.
02:02Mr. Goldberg, are you free?
02:04At the moment, Mr. Humphreys, yes.
02:06This customer of Mr. Lucas
02:08has failed to follow the washing instructions on the sock,
02:11and it's shrunk, and he would like his money back.
02:13What is your decision, Mr. Goldberg?
02:15Mr. Goldberg always makes these decisions.
02:17We must give the customer his money back, Mr. Humphreys.
02:20On one sock.
02:23If you're not satisfied with the goods,
02:25bring them back with a receipt and ask for your money back.
02:28You won't get it, but you can ask.
02:31Now, what's this big news you had to tell me?
02:34Today is a very special day.
02:37And what's so special about today?
02:39Today's the day my pussy comes of age.
02:42Oh!
02:43I mean, it's 21 years since you first had it.
02:46No.
02:50It's three years since I first had her.
02:52You see, in cat life,
02:55one year counts as seven.
02:57So that means she's 21 today.
03:00Oh, are you going to give her the key and the door?
03:02No.
03:03Anyway, she doesn't need it.
03:05She's got a little flap.
03:09Do you want to see what I've got for her?
03:11Oh, yes.
03:12Well, a leg of southern fried chicken.
03:17And a mink collar with a little bell.
03:20Is that real mink?
03:22Oh, of course. I wouldn't give her imitation.
03:25That's made of cat.
03:29And a record of Lina Zaffaroni.
03:32Oh!
03:33Is that her favourite?
03:35No, but it's the only way I can get her to go out when it's raining.
03:41And something she's been looking forward to for ages.
03:46A clockwork mouse.
03:48Ooh! Let's see it go.
03:50Well, where's Captain Peacock?
03:52Oh, he's not here yet.
03:59Isn't he sweet?
04:01Oh! Oh, dash!
04:03Oh, where's it gone?
04:05I can't see it.
04:06Well, listen, and we might be able to hear the clockwork.
04:09Oh, it's like Peter Pan and the crocodile.
04:12Shh!
04:15So, anyway, I stuffed a pineapple in the hole, you see,
04:19and I said, give me a ring tomorrow and let me know if it's stopped.
04:23Ah!
04:26What on earth are you doing, Mr Hampton?
04:28There's a mouse round my drawers.
04:33There it is, eh? It's clockwork.
04:35Is this another of your jokes, Mr Lucas?
04:38Not guilty, Captain Peacock.
04:40I am in no mood for practical jokes.
04:42Now, what idiot released this mouse on the floor?
04:47I shall count to ten, and if no-one owns up,
04:50we shall remain behind after the store closes,
04:52until this matter is resolved.
04:54One, two, three...
04:57Own up, or I'll tell on you.
04:59You wouldn't do that.
05:00Yes, I would. I've got a date tonight.
05:02Sneak!
05:03Keep your hand up.
05:07That's a sloker.
05:08Am I to understand that you are the miscreant?
05:11The what?
05:12The person who released this object.
05:14Well, yes...
05:15I don't want any excuses.
05:17I shall confiscate this.
05:19If you wish to retrieve it, you will find it in Mr Rumbold's office.
05:22There's been far too much laxity on the floor of late.
05:24You're all getting very sloppy.
05:26Captain Peacock,
05:28I've been over 40 years in various retail outlets,
05:31and I've never been called sloppy.
05:33An egg stain on the tie?
05:35What?
05:36Three waistcoat buttons undone?
05:38A frayed cuff?
05:39I call that sloppy.
05:41Oh, Mr Goldberg,
05:43I've never heard a senior assistant spoken to like that in my life.
05:47Have I got egg stain on my tie?
05:49Not a big one.
05:52Well, I have to have these three buttons undone on my waistcoat,
05:55otherwise I can't breathe.
05:57What about the frayed cuff?
05:58Well, Mrs Goldberg was going to turn it.
06:01Oh, dear, she has.
06:04I've never known him go on like that.
06:06I think there's something wrong with him.
06:08Perhaps he's had another row with Mrs Peacock.
06:10You know, like last time when she threw the custard all over him
06:13and made him sleep in the spare room for a week.
06:15Yeah, well, if I was married to Mrs Peacock,
06:17I'd sleep in the spare room all the time.
06:19He's definitely not well.
06:21His nostrils are all drawn.
06:24Is that bad?
06:25Well, our milkman's horse had drawn nostrils.
06:30You know, one morning, it dropped dead in the shafts.
06:34You're not suggesting that's going to happen to Captain Peacock, are you?
06:37Let me put it this way.
06:38If he delivered my milk, I'd order an extra three pints.
06:42I can reassure you it's not as serious as that.
06:45Well, do you know what it is?
06:47I just do.
06:49I was told in the strictest confidence yesterday.
06:52Well, you can tell us in the strictest confidence today.
06:55Look, it's a very delicate matter.
06:58Mr Goldberg, anyone who knows me will tell you that I am not a gossip.
07:03It'll go no further.
07:05But I did give my word.
07:06He made you look very small over those fray cups.
07:09True.
07:10And it was very unnecessary to mention that egg steak.
07:13I'd forgotten about that.
07:18Well, apparently, he went down to see Mr Franco in the sports department.
07:22He wanted some jogging shorts.
07:24You know how vain he is.
07:26Well, he would be satisfied until he tried three lots of shorts.
07:30But then, during the process,
07:32Mr Franco noticed he had a boil.
07:38A very large boil.
07:41Where?
07:58Where is he?
08:00Tell me. Tell me!
08:08Don't keep it to yourselves. Tell me.
08:13I didn't notice a boil on his thumb.
08:17Not on his thumb.
08:20Ah!
08:27Well, I think Captain Peacock's gone mad.
08:29I mean, just because I used a felt-tip pen on me bill pad instead of a biro,
08:34he went all upper...
08:36Um...
08:37What do you call it when they go all red and swell up and their eyes pop out?
08:42Upperploptic.
08:44Yes.
08:46Well, all I did was use the wrong finger to ring up the two,
08:49and I got a no-sail.
08:51Which finger did you use?
08:53It's immaterial, Mr Franco.
08:56When he saw that little red flag he came charging over to me,
08:59he went mad for about five minutes.
09:01I thought the veins in his neck were going to burst.
09:03They were standing out like spaghetti junction.
09:06Mind you, having a boil where he's got one, well, it must be painful.
09:10I'm sure we all feel for him.
09:12You speak for yourself. This is justice.
09:15He's been rotten to me ever since I came here,
09:17and I've had to take it sitting down.
09:19Well, now you've got your revenge cos he can't take anything sitting down.
09:25Please, please, please.
09:27Shh, shh. Keep your voices down.
09:30Shh. We don't want this thing to spread.
09:32Why? Is it catchy?
09:37Look, will you listen? I told you in the strictest confidence.
09:40Now, please, people can be very sensitive about boils,
09:44so I must ask you, even for my own sake,
09:46don't mention anything about it while he's here.
09:49I won't say a word.
09:51I wouldn't be that cheeky.
10:04What have you got there, Captain B?
10:06A cup of tea.
10:07No, I meant that thing on your arm.
10:09Oh, this. Yes, yes, it's a rubber ring.
10:12The medical department have had a lot of complaints recently
10:15about the poor quality of rubber,
10:17and I volunteered to test it for a few days.
10:28If you're going to test it, you want to treat it a bit rougher than that.
10:31You want to bounce up and down a bit.
10:35That will come later.
10:38I must say that any resemblance between that and tea is purely coincidental.
10:43That's because they never bring the water to the boil.
10:53Seems to be a lot of hilarity this morning.
10:56I suppose, as usual, I shall be the last one to know what caused it.
11:08Just because I'm reading the paper
11:10doesn't mean that everybody has to stop talking.
11:13Well, I wasn't stopping.
11:15No, I was talking about Mr Arthur. He's not talking.
11:17Oh, we're having quite a good, amiable chat.
11:20There's a very good article in that paper
11:23about the great train robbery.
11:26Oh, yes, I was reading about it in the bus.
11:28Standing up.
11:30Yes, it was full, as usual.
11:34It's my theory that most of the money finished up in South America.
11:37Yes. I doubt if they'll ever get to the bottom of it.
11:44I expect they will in the end.
11:55You know, don't you?
11:57You're used to trying to hide your sniggering, Miss Brahms.
12:00You know, don't you?
12:01Know what, Captain Beaker?
12:04About my misfortune.
12:06How did you find out?
12:08Somebody told me.
12:10Who?
12:11Mrs Logan.
12:13I see.
12:15Who told you, Mrs Logan?
12:17I'm not one to tell tales.
12:19However, since we're all sneaking today,
12:22Mr Lucas.
12:24I knew Mr Lucas would be in this thing somewhere.
12:27Who told you?
12:28Wild horses wouldn't drag that information from my lips, Captain Peacock.
12:31But I will points.
12:34I'm surprised at you, Mr Goldberg.
12:37I'm surprised at all of you.
12:39Hitherto, I had regarded you as my friends.
12:41I'm sure I speak for everybody here.
12:45I'm very sorry to have caused you such distress.
12:49What I want to know now, Mr Goldberg,
12:51is who told you?
12:53Well, I was told in the strictest confidence.
12:55And I can assure you it'll go no further.
12:58Your secret is safe with us on the third floor.
13:02Hello, Captain Peacock.
13:03They're all asking after you in the packing department.
13:06How's the boil on your bum?
13:13Sorry I was delayed.
13:15Now then, what's all this about, Peacock?
13:18Well, sir, this is a matter of some delicacy.
13:21I'm suffering from a minor but painful indisposition.
13:24Oh, do you mean the boil I heard about in the news?
13:27Yes, sir. I have a complaint.
13:29Yes, a very nasty one, too, I should say.
13:32No, sir. I wish to complain.
13:34I've been made a laughingstock throughout the store,
13:37owing to a grave breach of confidence
13:39by a member of another department,
13:41to wit, Mr Franco of sports.
13:43Yes, well, come to the point, Peacock.
13:45It all occurred in the fitting room.
13:47And everyone knows that the first rule of sales etiquette
13:50is that what one sees in the fitting room
13:52is in the strictest confidence.
13:54That's very true.
13:55While I was trying on a pair of jogging shorts,
13:58Mr Franco became acquainted with my affliction
14:01and banded it about the store.
14:03Well, obviously, I thought you'd released the news yourself.
14:07I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if it was just us,
14:10but when it gets down to the packing department, that's too much.
14:13I feel most strongly that Mr Franco
14:15should be reprimanded through official channels
14:17and should make a proper apology.
14:19I think he should write it out and put it up on the staff notice board.
14:23I don't think I'll ask him to go that far.
14:26No, there might be one or two people who haven't heard yet.
14:30My first instinct was to go and punch him on the nose,
14:33but because this whole affair brings Grace Brothers into disrepute,
14:36I feel it proper to go through official channels.
14:38I quite agree. I shall phone Mr Franco at once.
14:41I mean, I wouldn't have dreamt of passing it on
14:44had I known that the information was obtained in the fitting room.
14:47Yeah, we never said anything about that big blonde
14:50that came in with the limerick tattooed on her.
14:52What was that?
14:53Um, there once was a couple of rockers
14:56went out with a bird with big...
15:01Ah, Mr Franco. Rumble here, third floor.
15:04I have Captain Peacock here with me.
15:07Oh, you heard.
15:08Well, he feels that you owe him an apology.
15:12I don't think you should take that line.
15:14He feels very strongly about it.
15:16His first instinct was to come down and punch you on the nose,
15:19and he is quite capable of it.
15:21In passing, you might mention that I was the welterweight runner-up
15:24for the R.A.S.C. at Mersa Matruh.
15:27He was the welterweight champion of Mersa Matruh.
15:31I assure you, he is not bluffing.
15:34Look, he comes from a background
15:36where a gentleman takes a person like you down to the gym
15:39puts on the gloves and gives you a damn good hiding.
15:42Oh, I see. He accepts the challenge, right?
15:48Well, five rounds, that's OK with us.
15:51He'll go ten if you like.
15:55Right, very well, then. Saturday afternoon, 3 o'clock.
15:58You...
16:01Down!
16:09OK.
16:33He's flexing his muscles.
16:35Ooh, isn't he marvellous?
16:38I'm going to ask him to sign this bill.
16:44Captain Peacock.
16:45Hey!
16:47Are you free?
16:50At the moment, Mrs Logan.
16:52Would you sign this bill for me?
16:55But it's blank. You haven't sold anything.
16:57I know. I just wanted your autograph.
17:01We'd like you to know that we in the ladies' department
17:03are very proud of you.
17:05We think what you're doing is marvellous.
17:07We and Miss Brahms are seeing you from quite a different angle.
17:10And what we say is, if a man can't stick up for his honour,
17:14what can he stick up for?
17:17Thank you, Mrs Logan.
17:18Look at him. He's bar-skinny-legged.
17:20Well, if I was in his position,
17:22I'd like to think that I'd do the same thing.
17:24I wouldn't, but I'd like to think I would.
17:27You know, I used to get into a lot of scraps when I was a lad.
17:31I was known as Gruesome Goldberg, the Golders' Green Gorilla.
17:38Oh.
17:45Oi, oi. You're doing all right, aren't you?
17:48Well, they do seem to admire a man who sticks to his principles.
17:51Oh, they admire you, and they're very sorry for you.
17:54Like they admired the Light Brigade.
17:56Only an ample got through, but they admired them.
17:59Mr Harmon, what are you trying to say?
18:01Word has it that Mr Franco is very handy with his dukes.
18:05And when he was in the Navy, he boxed for his ship.
18:08Torpedo boat?
18:10Aircraft carrier.
18:12Mr Harmon, don't come on the floor in your overalls during working hours.
18:16In that case, I won't tell you about his secret weapon.
18:19What secret weapon?
18:22He's got a killer punch...
18:24in both hands.
18:27APPLAUSE
18:32May I use your phone, Mr Goldberg?
18:35I'd be most honoured, champ.
18:37I'll get the number for you, Captain Peacock.
18:40I'm mad about his aftershave.
18:43He probably splashes it all over.
18:48Who do you want? Mr Grace.
18:50A rather worrying thought has struck me.
18:52I haven't obtained Mr Grace's permission,
18:54and he may, of course, not allow the fight to proceed.
18:57It's going to take place on Saturday afternoon. He won't know about it.
19:00We won't say anything.
19:02No, but as a matter of principle, I feel I ought to tell him.
19:13I can only see a bit of the pink from here.
19:17I can see quite a lot from here.
19:21You're not going to make me rush it?
19:23No, no. Take all the time in the world.
19:29Excuse me, Mr Grace, but Captain Peacock's on the phone for you.
19:35Hello, Peacock. Hello, sir.
19:37What's all this I hear about you having a punch-up on Saturday?
19:40Oh, you've heard about it, sir?
19:42Well, I thought it only right to consult you
19:44because I felt that you may wish to ban it.
19:47Ban it? I'm looking forward to it. I've got a fiver on.
19:51Oh, I hope I don't let you down, sir.
19:53Not on you. On the other fellow.
19:57He did very well in the interstore finals.
19:59Knocked out the heavyweight from Mothercare.
20:04Peacock? Hello, Peacock. Peacock.
20:08Come on, Miss Brahms. Let's get a good ringside seat.
20:11Well, where are the others?
20:13Oh, I don't know. They'll be coming.
20:18That works.
20:21Where's Captain Peacock? Is he still in the fitting room?
20:23He hasn't arrived at the fitting room yet.
20:25We haven't seen him since Friday night.
20:29I'm... I'm sorry I'm late.
20:31Oh, my hero. I knew you wouldn't let us down.
20:35Thank you, Mrs Locombe. Of course I wouldn't let you down. Normally.
20:39What?
20:40Well, as a precaution, I went to the doctor for a final check-up
20:44and before I knew what was happening, he'd injected me with some antibiotics.
20:47What difference does that make?
20:49To my dismay, the doctor pointed out that after taking antibiotics,
20:53one mustn't drink or box.
20:58My doctor's never told me that.
21:01Perhaps in your case he thought he wouldn't apply.
21:04Does this mean you can't fight, Peacock?
21:06In a word, I'm afraid so.
21:08But the honour of the whole department's at stake.
21:11I mean, I accepted the challenge.
21:13All right, then. You go and fight him.
21:15Well, I can't fight, you see, because I wear glasses.
21:18Well, take them off.
21:20If I do that, I can't see.
21:22Well, I hope somebody's going to fight him.
21:24I haven't given up my afternoon's bingo
21:26to see a lot of lily-livered fairies nicking each other's...
21:30Well, I would willingly step into the breach
21:34if you think a man with one lung and a truss would be amiss.
21:40No, no, no.
21:42We've got a couple younger than you.
21:44Yeah, but not in such good condition.
21:47You're always talking big.
21:49Now's your chance to show how big you are.
21:51I would, were it not for the fact that my poor old mother,
21:54for whom the slightest excitement could prove fatal,
21:56made me join this religious sect.
21:58Yes, called Cowards Anonymous.
22:00Very nearly right.
22:02The other night I went to the meeting and I rolled up my left trouser leg
22:05and, holding a dead chicken in me outstretched hand,
22:07I swore before the eye-llama that I would do no violence
22:10to any living thing, animal, vegetable or insect.
22:13Fortunately, I had a lettuce leaf with a caterpillar on it
22:15and I'm still doing penance.
22:17What about you, Mr Humphreys?
22:19Oh, I've never boxed in my life.
22:21Now, wrestling, now that's another matter.
22:24I wouldn't have thought you were the wrestling sort.
22:27I was known as Hugger Humphreys.
22:31You have to pull me off, people.
22:34I was the catchest catch-can champion
22:36of the Barleymoor Road Mixed Infants.
22:40Well, it's all down to Miss Brahms or Mrs Slocum.
22:42And my money's on the heavyweight.
22:44Weak as water.
22:46If I was a man, I'd be in there.
22:48You shouldn't have shaved your moustache off then, should you?
22:52We shall just have to postpone the match until Captain Peacock is better.
22:56I may be on antibiotics for life.
23:01Ah.
23:07Well, nice to see you, Mr Franco,
23:09but I'm afraid we have some bad news.
23:11I think you ought to hear our bad news first.
23:14Due to the size of Mr Franco's hands,
23:16the sports department can't get a pair of gloves to fit him.
23:19Ah.
23:20Chickening out, eh?
23:22I'm not chickening out.
23:24I can beat you with my own hands.
23:26Do you mean wrestling?
23:28Anything you like.
23:29How about catchest catch-can?
23:31That's my favourite.
23:34Unfortunately, I'm only a boxing man.
23:37Chickening out, eh?
23:38Certainly not.
23:40Stand, please.
23:41I'm not free.
23:42Oh, yes, you are. Get in.
23:44You can't come in here. This is the ladies' fitting room.
23:48Oh, no. Put me down.
23:50No. Me. No, put me down.
23:52Take your trousers off.
23:54Oh.
23:55I never thought those words could cause such mixed emotions.
23:58Keep your hands off me.
24:00I thought you weren't supposed to harm anything, animal, vegetable or insect.
24:04I didn't say anything about fairy cakes.
24:06No. Keep them.
24:08Never seen anything like this since Immanuel II.
24:11Take your things off.
24:13Ow!
24:14You very nearly did.
24:16Hands!
24:17Ow!
24:22Hang on.
24:23Ladies and gentlemen,
24:25on the right, Mr Franco from Sports Equipment.
24:28CHEERING
24:30On my left, Mr Wilberforce Claiborne Humphreys of Gents Ready Mate.
24:34CHEERING
24:36This is the three-round contest.
24:39Two fools or a submission to decide the winner
24:43or the first of the two gentlemen to run away.
24:47Now, I want no unnecessary gouging or kicking with the point of the toe.
24:50Oh, no.
24:52I've never seen anybody so keen.
24:54Right. Any questions?
24:56Yes. Did you get that ribbon from haberdashery?
24:59What, you twinkle toes?
25:01Right, go to your corners and come out fighting when I ring the bell.
25:05Now, remember, Mr Humphreys,
25:06you are standing up for the honour of the whole department.
25:09Until you tell my legs that.
25:11Come on!
25:25Are you listening?
25:27Well, I haven't got much choice, have I?
25:30No!
25:32Have you got any grudge against me?
25:34Of course not.
25:36I'm sure under other circumstances we could get on quite well.
25:39In that case, all we've got to do is make it look good.
25:43I'm entirely in your hands now.
25:49Here, have you ever seen a flying cross-butter?
25:52Not for a couple of weeks, no.
25:55First thing we've got to do is whirl you round my shoulders
25:59and slam you onto the floor.
26:01They call it a propeller.
26:03What am I going to do?
26:05You're going to do an agonising yell.
26:07Oh! I think I can manage that.
26:17He's getting him a plane propeller!
26:20That's it!
26:22I'll be the judge of that!
26:34Oh!
26:41That was a good yell.
26:43I think you've done this game before.
26:45But not with so many people watching.
26:52Now...
26:54Now I'm going to show you a Patagonian nose-hold.
26:59It looks absolutely ghastly.
27:03Isn't it time I got you into something?
27:05No, no. They've got to hate me first.
27:08And then when you get your revenge, they're going to love you.
27:11So here we go.
27:13Don't forget to yell!
27:15Ah!
27:17Oh!
27:19I'm just living in that Patagonian nose-hold!
27:22Here, they're hating me now.
27:25I'm not so keen on you meself.
27:28Get out of it.
27:30Let's remember, a Brazilian elbow jab.
27:33Oh, that'll be nice.
27:39What's he doing? He's killing him!
27:41He's getting him a Brazilian elbow jab!
27:49That's it! I've seen enough!
27:51Are you going home?
27:53No, I'm going in!
27:57You weird bully!
27:59Why don't you have to pick on somebody your own size?
28:06The winner, on the knockout,
28:08the King, the knockout!
28:13Which just goes to show
28:15when a woman has a beer in her bonnet,
28:17we'd better behave.
28:19Or to put it another way, Mr Harmon,
28:21when a man has a boil on his bum,
28:23he'd better belt up!
28:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE