Frasier Season 5 Episode 2 The Gift Horse
Frasier Season 5 Episode 2 The Gift Horse
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Oh, good morning, Ross. Good morning.
00:04Oh, thanks.
00:10What the hell was that?
00:12Oh, shoot. He's not even here.
00:14Who?
00:15Do you remember that guy who dumped me last month?
00:18I thought he was right behind me.
00:20I just wanted him to see me with another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am.
00:25Good idea, Ross.
00:26If that doesn't work, why don't we get married and have some children?
00:29That'll really fix his wagon.
00:31You probably remember him, Stan.
00:34Stan, the smug stockbroker who kept calling me Fraser?
00:40Oh, yeah. That's him.
00:43Oh, one minute we're hot and heavy, and then he just stops calling.
00:48It's so humiliating when someone treats you like you don't even exist.
00:51How can someone not hear the difference between Fraser and Fraser?
00:56Yeah, that's what bugged me the most, too.
01:00Another espresso to go, please.
01:02Oh, oh, Ross, look, I almost forgot.
01:04Here's an invitation to my dad's birthday party.
01:09Sherry's giving it.
01:11Please excuse the elegant verse.
01:13Come one, come all to jump and jive.
01:15Marty Crane's turning 65.
01:20Oh, my God, here he is.
01:21Please.
01:22Oh, all right.
01:33Hello.
01:35Hello, Nurse.
01:36You know, this isn't what it looks like.
01:38Her ex-boyfriend is...
01:39Oh, just stop that!
01:42Please, please, no explanation necessary.
01:44I assume at the next meeting of Seattle's Haven't Kissed Ross Club
01:47it'll just be me and the archbishop.
01:50I'll save you the club dues.
01:57Everyone kisses better than Maris.
02:07Can I get one of the same for Dr. Crane, please?
02:10Thank you.
02:11I'm sorry I'm late.
02:12I was shopping for Dad's present.
02:14It's all right, Nurse.
02:16Did a bit of that myself this morning.
02:18Found a lovely little calfskin wallet with a matching key case.
02:23Oh, well, bravo, Frasier.
02:25Yes, and it was a full $20 below our agreed-upon spending limit.
02:30I'm so glad we agreed to rein ourselves in this year.
02:33Oh, God, me too.
02:35Finally do away with our annual contest to see who could get Dad the most lavish gift.
02:40I think the competition had gotten a bit...
02:43What's the best word for it?
02:44The extreme.
02:45No, childish.
02:47Gaudy.
02:48Crass.
02:49Obscene.
02:50Stop it!
02:54So, what did you get him?
02:56Oh, just some beer.
03:03We're not exactly bumping our heads on that spending ceiling, are we?
03:07It's a bit fancier than that.
03:08It's a membership in a beer club.
03:11They deliver a case from a different microbrewery every month.
03:15You know, I looked into those clubs.
03:18They're rather expensive.
03:19Oh, not really.
03:20I'm right at our limit.
03:22Maybe with taxes and handling, I'm a drop or two over.
03:25How big a drop?
03:26Just $100 over.
03:29That's not a drop.
03:30That's a downpour.
03:31It's a dribble.
03:32That's a deluge.
03:33And stop it!
03:36Why don't you just stick $100 in that wallet of yours?
03:39You know, frankly, I don't need to buy Dad's love.
03:43You saw fit to violate our agreement?
03:45So be it.
03:47I have a gift.
03:48You have a gift.
03:49Fine.
03:50Big baby.
04:05Stare all you like.
04:08You will not distract me from my paper.
04:12You see?
04:13Your efforts are futile.
04:15I can't even see you.
04:35It seems so unhealthy.
04:37Isn't she going to serve anything at Dad's party but meat?
04:40Sherry says that's what he and his old cronies like best.
04:44With drinks, she's serving cocktail franks.
04:47For appetizers, we're having a sausage medley.
04:51And for the main course, there's a choice of meatloaf or meatballs.
04:57I assume these colorful balloons are for the between-course angioplasty.
05:03Did you get everything, Dad?
05:05Yes, I think so.
05:06Good news.
05:07I found a guy who can sculpt an exact replica of Marty's old police badge out of six pounds of liverwurst.
05:15Oh.
05:17Reminiscent of the cream cheese gavel they gave Thurgood Marshall on his 80th.
05:22Sherry, we can't use this photograph.
05:25It's too embarrassing.
05:27That's exactly why we're using it.
05:29I'm decorating the whole party with old pictures of Marty from the force.
05:33Well, we can't use this one amid the morgue.
05:35It's too disturbing.
05:37You're right.
05:38I totally forgot you even had a perm, dear Lord.
05:42Oh, God.
05:43I can't wait to see this guy again.
05:45Mickey Dugan.
05:47We rode mounted patrol together.
05:49Oh, look at you.
05:51You look so big and handsome on your horse.
05:55Oh, my God.
05:56When was this taken?
05:58April Fool's Day.
05:59Oh, yes.
06:00Yes.
06:01That would explain why your horses are wearing brassieres.
06:03Yeah.
06:04Oh, God.
06:05I love that horse.
06:06Old Agaties and I were together for eight years.
06:09Best partner I ever had.
06:11Oh, we should get going.
06:12Okay.
06:13Marty, wherever did you find a bra that could fit a horse?
06:17Oh, Mickey brought it in from home.
06:19Mae Dugan was a lot of things, but petite she wasn't.
06:23I'll point her out to you at the party.
06:26Honey, if that's her bra, I can spot her myself.
06:33Oh.
06:34Sherry knows?
06:35Oh, no, thanks.
06:37I've got a session.
06:40Dr. Crane, is your father gone?
06:42Yes, he has.
06:43Good.
06:44Then I'll wrap his present.
06:45They fit fine in this box.
06:47Great, Daphne.
06:48Off you go.
06:49Wait a minute.
06:50That box is awfully big for what you got him.
06:52No, it isn't.
06:53Oh, Daphne.
06:54Your binoculars fit just perfectly in here.
06:59You told me you got him a wallet and a key case.
07:02Oh, no, not this again.
07:04It's the same nonsense every year.
07:07Well, not this year.
07:08We'd actually agreed to a spending limit until someone else exceeded it.
07:12All right, all right.
07:13Guilty as charged.
07:15We've each violated the pact once.
07:17Now, let's stop before this madness gets out of hand.
07:20If you ask me, your gifts complement one another perfectly.
07:24Um, Daphne?
07:25Your binoculars and your football tickets.
07:32Tickets?
07:33Season tickets to the Seahawks.
07:38I don't believe you.
07:39You already had a better gift than mine.
07:41You still saw the need to take it to a higher level.
07:44Only because I knew you were going to upgrade that wallet, which you did.
07:47All right, enough is enough.
07:49I quit. I'm throwing in the towel.
07:51Oh, and why should I believe you?
07:53Because this is a receipt for the binoculars.
07:55This should prove to you that I have no intention of returning them in order to get a better gift.
08:00There.
08:04Well, that's very big of you.
08:08Late for my session.
08:12If it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those tickets are.
08:16I was hoping to get something on the first few yard lines, but I can only get ones way back on the 50th.
08:27Well, I'm very proud of you, Dr. Crane.
08:29Oh, stop babbling, Daphne. Bring me some tape.
08:37Okay, the keg of beer will be there by six.
08:41I also confirmed the band, ordered the cake, filled out the place cards, picked up the humorous cocktail napkins,
08:50and I'm almost done making the centerpieces.
08:53Oh, this party is just going to wear me out.
08:59Hello, Daphne, Sherry.
09:00Niles!
09:01Uh, double latte, please.
09:03Thank you.
09:04Is, uh, Frasier with you?
09:06No, he's out shopping for your dad.
09:08That jackal!
09:12What was that all about?
09:15Brother snitch, don't ask.
09:17Oh, I forgot to tell you.
09:20I found this fabulous photograph of Marty arresting some guy.
09:25I had it blown up to life size.
09:28Then I cut out the crook's face so people could stick their heads through
09:32and have a snapshot of Marty reading them their rights.
09:35Don't you just love it?
09:37It depends. Do I have to pick it up?
09:40Picky two by five.
09:42You're a doll.
09:44Well, hello, mademoiselle.
09:46Oh, Frasier.
09:47Dr. Crane.
09:48Did you find something?
09:50Yes, I did.
09:51Took me most of the afternoon, but I finally came up with something I think is just about perfect.
09:55Oh, Niles forgot his coffee.
09:58Niles was here?
09:59Yes.
10:00But you know, when I mentioned that you were out shopping for your dad, he just shot out of here like a bullet.
10:05That little worm!
10:11DOOR OPENS
10:21Dr. Crane, are you all right?
10:24No, I am not.
10:27I've combed the entire city trying to find a gift.
10:33Nothing is better than what Niles got him.
10:35What did your brother get him?
10:37I don't know.
10:41I'm sure it's something any father would just love.
10:46Oh, you know, the best thing about turning 65, everybody wants to buy you dinner.
10:51Mr. Crane, you've left your top button unbuttoned.
10:55Oh, yeah, that's because Duke's taking me to Hoppy's old Heidelberg.
10:58You know, if I don't unbutton it now, I might fly off and hurt somebody.
11:03Enjoy, Dad.
11:05Oh, yeah, I will.
11:07I got to tell you, I'm loving this birthday.
11:10All of a sudden, my money's no good.
11:12Last night, Ed Flanagan bought the whole bar around in my honor.
11:16Who's Ed Flanagan?
11:18That's what I asked.
11:21Anyway, what are you doing tonight, Fridge?
11:24Oh, nothing much.
11:26Got some shopping to do.
11:28Oh, for anybody we know?
11:33You know, Fridge, every year, you and Niles, you go overboard
11:38trying to find these great presents for me.
11:41And, you know, I got to be honest.
11:43It's always made me kind of uncomfortable.
11:47Really?
11:48Yeah.
11:49So this year, I just wanted you to know I'm over it.
11:54So go crazy.
11:56Only turn 65 once.
12:03You know, Dr. Crane, the last thing I want to do
12:21is encourage more competition between you and your brother.
12:25But if you really want to make your father happy, maybe the time...
12:29No, don't even say it.
12:31It's the only thing he's ever asked for.
12:33No, God, it'll ruin my appointment, my life.
12:36I can't, I won't, I mustn't.
12:41It's over, Dr. Crane.
12:44Oh.
12:55That is one big screen TV.
13:00You're going to love it.
13:02I know.
13:12Perhaps I'm panicking needlessly.
13:14Just needs a little dressing up, really.
13:16Here, I'll just arrange these plants here at the base.
13:20Yes, you always said you needed more greenery in here.
13:24And maybe an objet or two on top.
13:28Just a little buddy base, here.
13:34That makes a world of difference, doesn't it?
13:36Oh, sure it does, Dr. Crane.
13:38All the difference in the world.
13:41Oh, it's ghastly.
13:45Oh, God, you just don't put a smear of lipstick on the bride of Frankenstein,
13:49turn her into a trophy wife, do you?
13:55Frazier, are you ready?
13:56We told Dad we'd pick him up at...
14:17Oh, my God, you didn't.
14:19Didn't what?
14:21You mean buy Dad this television set?
14:23Of course I did.
14:25It's impressive, isn't it?
14:28I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths to top me, Frazier,
14:34you have lain waste to your apartment with this eyesore.
14:38I disagree.
14:39Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window into a world of art and culture.
14:44Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera.
14:50Oh, the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi.
14:54You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself.
15:01Oh, you're right, it's dreadful, isn't it?
15:04But you know, it's worth it.
15:06Just to imagine the smile it'll put on Dad's face.
15:08Not to mention the pleasure of watching you twist and writhe in envy.
15:15You're not twisting and writhing.
15:18I'm sorry, my mind wandered.
15:20I was remembering Dad waxing nostalgic the other day about his beloved old horse, Agates.
15:25Oh, don't try to change the subject, Niles.
15:27You've lost, admit it.
15:29He certainly did love that horse.
15:31You can only live in denial for so long before you...
15:41You didn't.
15:43Didn't what?
15:44Buy the horse?
15:45I did.
15:50How could you?
15:52I've already set him up in a handsome stable.
15:54Dad can visit him any time he wants.
15:56Which reminds me, I'd like to swing by the stable on the way to the party
15:59so Dad can look his gift horse in the mouth.
16:08All right, Niles.
16:11What else can I do?
16:14I give up.
16:16You win.
16:18You have found the one gift that can't be trumped.
16:23Thank you, Frasier.
16:24You're a gracious loser.
16:26Still on the bright side.
16:29I know Dad will love this set.
16:32He really will.
16:33Already it doesn't seem quite as intrusive as it did when it first got here.
16:38Right this way.
16:43What are those?
16:44Your speakers.
16:56So, Dad, any idea where you are?
16:59Oh, it's so mysterious.
17:02Hay underfoot, stable smells, that saddle we just tripped over.
17:09I mean, we could be anywhere.
17:12Right, all right.
17:13Hold on.
17:19Voila.
17:20Happy birthday.
17:23Agatees!
17:27Hey, buddy.
17:29How you doing?
17:32Oh, long time no see.
17:37What's going on?
17:39He's yours, Dad.
17:41What?
17:42I bought him for you.
17:46You're kidding me.
17:48I can't believe it.
17:49You can visit him any time you want.
17:52This is amazing.
17:55How have you been, buddy?
17:58Hey, one plus one equals...
18:03He remembers!
18:07I figured it was a long shot when I called, but they were a week away from putting him out to pasture.
18:12So I set him up here at Briarwood.
18:13It's the most exclusive stable in town.
18:16Don't be surprised if you spy a certain resident trotting by wearing his triple crown.
18:22Oh, you don't give them actual crowns, you twit?
18:30Well, come on, Dad.
18:31It's a little late for the party.
18:33I'm sure Sherry's getting warm in that cake.
18:39Dad?
18:41Huh?
18:42Don't want to be late.
18:44You all right, Dad?
18:47Yeah, I'm fine.
18:49Are you sure?
18:51Yeah, I said I was fine.
18:53Yeah, I'm fine.
18:54Come on, let's go to my party.
18:58Dad, is there something you'd like to talk about?
19:00No, no, come on, guys.
19:01You don't have to pull everything apart.
19:03I said I'm fine, all right?
19:05Let's go.
19:11All that effort, all that expense.
19:15How many minutes of joy did it buy?
19:34Oh, dear God.
19:47It's Stonehenge.
19:55Well, I hope it at least cheered Dad up.
19:57The party certainly didn't.
19:59I know.
20:01Not even when Sherry sang that little ditty she composed.
20:05You can cop a feel if I can feel a cop.
20:12Randy, now, please.
20:15I tried to draw Dad out of the party.
20:17He just shot me right down.
20:19Well, you know how he is.
20:21Gets himself into these moods.
20:23He just retreats.
20:25It's just so damn frustrating.
20:27It certainly wonders if that isn't why we go so insane every year,
20:30trying to find the perfect gift,
20:32as if somehow finding the right present will magically change everything.
20:37Yes, the thought occurred to me, too.
20:39You didn't mention it.
20:40It occurred to me.
20:41So you say.
20:42Well, stop it.
20:46Hiya, boys.
20:47Oh.
20:49Wow.
20:52She's a beaut.
20:55Oh, Marty and I are going to be spending a lot more time over here.
21:00It's a gift that keeps on giving.
21:04So, where's your dad?
21:07He said he was coming home with you.
21:09Well, he told me he was coming home with you.
21:12Why would he do that?
21:14He was a little down at the party.
21:17Maybe he just wanted to go for a walk.
21:20I'm sure he's all right.
21:21He'll be back soon.
21:23Still, it is rather late.
21:26I think I'll just go and look for him.
21:28Well, suit yourself, Niles.
21:29I think you're fretting needlessly.
21:31Come on, let's fire this baby up.
21:33You like the Nashville Network?
21:35Oh, who am I kidding?
21:36I'm worried sick.
21:44Here you go.
21:48Hey, no offense, but your teeth look like hell.
21:53And I got to tell you, the rest of you is not looking that much better either.
21:57Let me give you a little brunt down, huh?
22:02Ah, that takes me back.
22:06Of course, your coat was a lot shinier in those days.
22:11Hell, so was mine.
22:16Ah, we was something, weren't we, Agadies, huh?
22:19Riding crowd control.
22:23People just step aside to let us pass.
22:27Now they're putting you out to pasture and I'm riding the buses.
22:35Yeah, it's fun getting old, isn't it?
22:39Hey, this is a nice place here, you know.
22:42I bet you're really going to like it here.
22:49And, you know, if you don't like it here, then we'll do what we said we would.
22:54We'll just go to Montana, start a ranch.
22:58You know, we still get all that money we took from those drug dealers buried in the old box canyon.
23:03All right, Dad, we know you know we're here.
23:07Well, why don't you get the hell out of here?
23:09Dad, look, I just want to be alone for a minute.
23:12Is that all right with you?
23:15All right, fine, we'll see you later.
23:17Thank you.
23:19You know, it's just a little troubling that you feel more comfortable talking to your horse than you do to your sons.
23:25Actually, we might be able to help you with what you're going through, the aging process.
23:29No, no, come on, now stop it.
23:31You see, this is the problem.
23:33I know everything you're going to say.
23:36First of all, you start talking about 65 as being some sort of passage.
23:41And then you start spouting these theories and quoting Freud and who knows what else
23:47until by the time you get through analyzing me, I'm going to be 66.
23:52But look, when I tell Agatee something, you know what he does?
23:56Nothing.
23:58He just listens to me.
24:00We listen.
24:02That's my slogan, I'm listening.
24:05We do, you know.
24:06Dad, pay us a great deal of money.
24:08God's sake, listen.
24:09This is a foundation.
24:10Hey!
24:12Right.
24:13Shh, shh.
24:16Dad, when I saw Agatee's today, it was kind of a shock to see how old he's gotten.
24:22And I just, it made me realize how old I've gotten.
24:27Dad, you still have a lot of years.
24:29No, come on, please.
24:30Sorry, sorry.
24:31Look, it's not a problem you can solve, Frazier.
24:33It's just a fact of life.
24:36People get old.
24:38Well, I guess this horse wasn't quite the better gift I thought it would be.
24:44Oh, yes, it was, Niles.
24:49I'm feeling a little bit sorry for myself right now, but I'll get over that.
24:53But I love this horse.
24:57It's the greatest present I've ever got.
25:01Well, I'm glad, Dad.
25:04But, you know, I think I may have misled you.
25:07The horse is from me and from Frazier.
25:11Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
25:13Thanks a lot, Frazier.
25:16Well, actually, it was mostly Niles' idea.
25:19Well, then, thanks to both of you.
25:23It's just great.
25:25Well, come on, we ought to get going now.
25:27Let's get a move on.
25:29Hey, see you, buddy.
25:32Niles, what a generous gesture.
25:38How can I ever thank you?
25:41By calling your super and getting rid of that monstrosity in your apartment.
25:45I do visit from time to time, you know.
25:49Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
25:52Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:56Mercy.
25:58And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:01Well, maybe.
26:03But I got you pegged.
26:05Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:08But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:14Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:19They're calling again.
26:22Goodnight, Seattle, we love you!