Frasier Season 5 Episode 5 The 1000th Show
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00:00Hey, how you doing, Doc? The usual, please.
00:04I'll have my usual, too.
00:06And that would be...
00:09Come on, I come in here every day. You must remember.
00:12My usual is...
00:15a half-calf...
00:18cappuccino...
00:22with a light dusting of...
00:24Nutmeg.
00:25...cinnamon.
00:26Got it.
00:29God, that's infuriating.
00:31Oh.
00:32Well, I come in here every bit as often as you do.
00:34Don't take it to heart, Niles.
00:36This person just happens to remember me best.
00:38The next person might just as easily...
00:40Oh, my God, you're Frasier Crane.
00:43Could I bother you for an autograph?
00:46No, you can't. It's never a bother.
00:49I love your show.
00:51Oh, thank you.
00:52I just think you're like the smartest guy on the face of the Earth.
00:55Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in Tibet,
00:58but why split hairs?
00:59There you are.
01:00Thanks.
01:01Thank you.
01:03Where was I?
01:04Oh, you were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.
01:10I've not already been yapping about this all morning.
01:14Well, it's a stupid rule, and it's always we foreigners who suffer for it.
01:18We took another drive on the wrong side of the road today, did we?
01:21No.
01:23It's about my friend, Zina.
01:25Oh, you don't want to hear about it.
01:28Oh, well, hey there.
01:30Zina, isn't she the Greek one?
01:32Yeah, we've been planning a trip together.
01:34You see, her mother's taking a luxury cruise,
01:37and her ship will be docked in Mazatlan for a week.
01:39She's invited us down to join her,
01:41only I can't go because me bloody passport's expired.
01:45Well, don't give up hope.
01:47One way or another, we'll get you across that border.
01:49If I have to, I'll snuggle you under an old blanket.
01:54Do you mean smuggle?
01:56I'm using code language. You can't be too careful.
02:02There you go, Doc.
02:03Thank you.
02:04Anything for you, ma'am.
02:05Oh, thanks. I've already ordered.
02:07Oh, I'm sorry. You had the, uh...
02:09Absent-minded waiter. I'll get it myself.
02:18Oh, Roscoe, she wanted me to remind you
02:21about your meeting with the station manager.
02:23Ah, yes, there.
02:25He probably wants to discuss my 1,000th radio broadcast.
02:29It's coming up next week.
02:30You've done 1,000 shows?
02:32Yes, yes, and I know the station manager
02:34who'll want to mark the occasion
02:36with some sort of gaudy celebration.
02:38Press, parties, God knows what.
02:41No, I've never been the kind of going for that sort of
02:43self-congratulatory hoopla.
02:45Work is a thing for me.
02:47But still, 1,000 shows, that's quite an achievement.
02:50Yeah, I suppose.
02:52Who'd have thought?
02:53Not me, that's for damn sure.
02:57Yeah, those first two weeks,
02:59P.U. off of the window.
03:01All right, Doc.
03:06Hey, morning, Rod.
03:07Morning, Bulldog.
03:09Oh, my gosh.
03:12Look what Frazier got for me.
03:14He's so cute.
03:17Dear Rod, a huggy bear for the mom-to-be.
03:21Love, Bulldog.
03:23I guess I should have known
03:25you'd think it was from Frazier.
03:27I'm so sorry, Bulldog.
03:29No, no, it's okay.
03:30I know I'm not the warmest guy in the world,
03:32but when it comes to kids,
03:33I get kind of, well, you know.
03:35Oh, Bulldog, come here.
03:38Come here.
03:40Oh.
03:43Oh, you're going to make a good mother, Rod.
03:47Oh.
03:49Thank you, Bulldog, that's so sweet.
03:56Bulldog?
03:58Hug.
03:59Oh, get off me!
04:01What?
04:02You just wanted to hug me
04:04because my breasts are getting bigger.
04:06Oh, no, I was just trying to get close enough
04:08to feel a little kick.
04:10Ow, ow!
04:11Get out!
04:13Pervert!
04:17Morning, Rod.
04:18I got you one of those little muffins that you love.
04:21I'm not getting a hug.
04:25Oh, I see those mood swings have leveled off nicely.
04:28Okay.
04:29I'll just run upstairs and have that little meeting
04:31with Greg in his office.
04:32Oh, wait, it's been canceled.
04:34He wanted to talk to you about your thousandth show,
04:36but I ran into him and I handled it.
04:38All right.
04:41Let me have it.
04:43What kind of a circus am I in for?
04:46I suppose a garish outdoor rally
04:49like the one they gave for Bob and Nipsey
04:51over at KTLK.
04:53I told him just what you said
04:55about how the work is its own reward.
04:58So you're off the hook.
05:00They're not doing anything.
05:02Nope.
05:05Well, well done, Rod.
05:08That's a relief.
05:11Although...
05:13I, uh...
05:15I'm not sure I'm being quite fair to you, you see.
05:18I did hear that after that rally,
05:20Bob and Nipsey's ratings went up 30%.
05:23The producer got a handsome raise.
05:26Oh, yeah.
05:27Yes, and you with the little one coming.
05:29Well, it's too late now.
05:31Right.
05:33Can't be helped.
05:34Best to just leave it alone.
05:36Still...
05:39there is the benefit to the station.
05:41What's good for KTL is good for all of us, isn't it?
05:44Yeah, that's true.
05:45Well, you know, I suppose you could just give Greg a call
05:48and tell him I'd be willing, well, for your sake
05:50and the station's, to submit to, uh...
05:52a small, tasteful, uh...
05:56low-key...
05:58public rally.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:05I just want to renew my passport.
06:09No, I'm a resident alien here from England.
06:13You know, the country that used to own you people.
06:18Go right to the head of the line now.
06:22I can't wait two weeks.
06:24My friend Zina's flying down to meet her mum's ship Sunday.
06:30Don't you put me on hold again.
06:32I'll hang up. I mean it.
06:35I showed him.
06:41Well, it's official.
06:44My thousandth show is now an event.
06:48What's going on?
06:50Oh, nothing short of a media circus with you-know-who in the centre, eh?
06:56We're planning a promotional blitzkrieg
06:58capped off by a public rally in my honour
07:02at the foot of the Space Needle.
07:04Wow, that's great. You must be thrilled.
07:07Well, of course I'm flattered.
07:10A little bit embarrassed, Dad.
07:12I'd have been content with a pat on the back and an ice cream cake.
07:17Oh, Dad, they've asked if you might say a few words at the rally.
07:21You don't have to. It makes you nervous.
07:24Oh, no problem.
07:26Yeah, I can't tell you how many retirement dinners I've spoken at.
07:30I think I've still got my old joke work.
07:32One thousand and one side-splitters, rib-ticklers and thigh-slappers.
07:38I'm sure you're a veritable chiropractor of mirth.
07:43I think what they're looking for is something just a bit more personal.
07:48Hello?
07:50All right, Ross, Ross, slow down.
07:55Oh, good Lord, the mayor?
08:00Well, has Fraser Fever swept all the way to City Hall?
08:06Well, all right, Ross, I'll see you tomorrow.
08:11The mayor's going to be there?
08:13Yes, and not just be there.
08:15He's going to present me with a key to the city
08:18and to which he's going to proclaim it Fraser Crane Day in Seattle.
08:22Way to go, kid!
08:24Oh, who can this be?
08:29Some mechanic from the Vatican with my Popemobile?
08:35Miles!
08:36Fraser, dinner's on me. I got some very good news today.
08:40What a coincidence. Your brother just got some good news, too.
08:44Not so good as mine, I suspect.
08:46But first of all, I have to apologize for being so snippy this morning.
08:49I've been feeling a bit eclipsed lately, but all that vanished when I reached my office
08:54for what was waiting on my desk, but a gift from the self-esteem fairy.
09:02The American Journal of Psychiatry.
09:05Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I refer you to the letters page, third one down.
09:11Dear sirs, Dr. Egmont Sanderling's recent article on trichotillomania
09:16contained several errors.
09:18He would do well to read the groundbreaking work on the subject
09:22published by, among others, Dr. Alan Corbel, Dr. Milo Lauderstein...
09:26Skip to the end, please.
09:30Oh, Dr. Geraldine Fennelly and Dr. Niles Crane!
09:34Oh-ho-ho!
09:37Not too shabby, eh?
09:41It's quite an accolade, ma'am.
09:43Yes, I had no idea you were such a well-known expert on the thing that the letter mentioned.
09:52And the way they saved you for last, so you really stand out.
09:58Nothing to kick away the clouds like a heady sip from the goblet of fame.
10:03Which reminds me, I told Jean-Claude to start my victory martini shaking at precisely 8 o'clock.
10:08Off we go, then.
10:10Oh, wait! You had some news yourself. Do tell.
10:13Oh, well, let's just wait for that martini, shall we?
10:29Happy Fraser Crane Day.
10:31Happy Fraser Crane Day.
10:34Or is it Merry Fraser Crane Day? I can never remember.
10:39Very amusing.
10:41I'll have a half-half cappuccino.
10:44Sorry I'm late. I stopped halfway to listen to a jolly band of Fraser Crane Day carolers.
10:55I tried to join in on the 12 Days of Fraser, but...
11:02Forgot the words around Day 7. How does it go again?
11:07I believe it's seven snobs of sniping.
11:12You just snipe away. Take your jealousy as the compliment.
11:15It is.
11:16Oh, now, if I indulge in little affectionate joshing, it doesn't mean I'm jealous.
11:20I'm nothing but happy for you.
11:22Oh, thank you, Niles.
11:25You know, I'm just a touch skittish today. All this fuss over me.
11:29Oh, say, is it possible to get these two to go?
11:33To go? We're not due at the Space Needle for an hour.
11:36Yes, well, I thought a walk might do us some good. Get a little exercise.
11:40Then maybe I can stroll away my jitters.
11:43Oh, all right. I could use the fresh air. I'm feeling a tad sluggish.
11:47Oh, up late last night?
11:49Well, I'm afraid so. As usual, I left it at the last minute to write all my Fraser Crane Day cards.
11:59What a lovely day. I'm so glad we decided to walk. I feel calmer already.
12:13Hey, Doc, way to go.
12:15Oh, I'm listening.
12:19I just hope Dad doesn't get too nervous about his speech today.
12:23I've been given little tips all week.
12:26Oh, really? As Daphne tells it, you wrote the whole thing for him.
12:29Oh, I did no such thing. I added a bon mot or two.
12:32I did up for the language. Removed any questionable material.
12:36There isn't a word of his left, is there?
12:38Not a comma.
12:41I'm listening.
12:43Here's a tip for you. The ones with cameras are tourists.
12:46They have no idea who you are, much less why you're listening.
12:50Oh, Niles, don't be so churlish. The man clearly waved to me first.
12:54He didn't wave at you. He said who you are.
12:57He was probably waving for a cab to get away from the scary listening man.
13:06Oh, I love this place. Here you can feel the pulse of the city.
13:13You know what I think when I see all these people here, bustling about.
13:18Low turnout over at Fraser Crane Day.
13:24You know, I think that they're the reason I love this city.
13:31Stop waving.
13:33What? There is nothing wrong with being friendly.
13:35Well, there is a difference between being friendly and making a public spectacle of yourself.
13:43Did you see that? That man tried to assault me with a fish.
13:45Good Lord, Niles, get a grip.
13:48For God's sake, you become hysterical over the littlest things.
13:52My God, my sweet shoes. You spilled latte all over them. They're ruined.
13:57I'm sorry. And it was a half-calf cappuccino. Why can no one remember that?
14:04Well, I'll just have to replace them. I'll look foolish otherwise.
14:08Never in my life have I heard such caterwalling over a pair of shoes.
14:12How do you know I spent a bundle on these shoes? They're Joan and David.
14:15You named them?
14:17Shut up.
14:21Well, these are quite handsome, even if they are just a bit snug.
14:26You can always go back. I think there's a pair in there you didn't try on.
14:30Nonsense. We weren't in there that long.
14:33I'm gone. The rally's about to start. Give me your phone. I'll call Roz.
14:41Thank you.
14:46Hello?
14:48Frazier, do you know what time it is?
14:51Where the hell are you? We're on the air in two minutes.
14:55I'm sorry. I was involved in a small accident.
14:59I'm fine. Just start without me. We'll take a cab.
15:04We'll have better luck at the court. Right.
15:07Eunice, wait. Too many fans. That way I'll be mobbed.
15:12Better off cutting over one block through that alley.
15:18Frazier's running late, so I've got to use you first, okay, Martin?
15:22Oh, yeah, sure, okay.
15:25Jeez, I was hoping for a little more time.
15:28I haven't even looked at the stuff Frazier wrote for me.
15:31Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome also to our radio listeners.
15:36I'm Roz Doyle, and I'd like to thank you all for helping us congratulate Dr. Frazier Gray!
15:45We've got a full program for you today.
15:49Stop worrying. Dr. Crane's a very good writer.
15:52Well, look at this. I'm going to die up there with this crap.
15:55Unfortunately, our guest of honor has been detained,
15:59but we do have the next best thing, his dad, Martin Crane!
16:05Good afternoon.
16:15Twenty-two years ago, my son Frazier came to me and asked if I would put him through medical school.
16:24I agreed to pay for it, but remarked, I should have my head examined.
16:31Frazier replied, give me eight years, and I'll do it for you.
16:41It was a hard eight years for Frazier, but as someone once quipped,
16:47a good psychiatrist never shrinks from a challenge.
16:59Oh, jeez.
17:05Oh, for God's sake, Niles, will you come out of there?
17:08Our mugger specifically instructed us to wait for five minutes.
17:12Yes, but if he'd intended us to time it exactly, he wouldn't have taken our watches!
17:19Right, all right, calm down. I can see you're new to this whole mugging thing.
17:23I just can't believe I'm missing my own rally.
17:25Come on.
17:27She was killing me, like the work of a skilled Chinese footbiter!
17:33Niles, give me your phone. I'll have Ross send us a car.
17:36My phone? What do you think the mugger was reaching into my breast pocket for?
17:40Only consolation is he jabbed himself on my emergency sewing kit.
17:46A payphone.
17:49It's not much use to us unless we can find a quarter.
17:58Niles, look.
18:02You cannot be serious. You want to rob that poor old man?
18:05We'll pay him back later.
18:06Frazier, he's blind.
18:07I know. It's the first break we've had today.
18:11I'll distract him.
18:15Good afternoon.
18:20Hello.
18:22Sounding lovely.
18:28Stop! Thief!
18:30Dear God, run!
18:39I'd like to thank Frazier Crane for his friendship.
18:44Excuse me. Mayor Rice?
18:46Yes.
18:47I have a small bone to pick with you.
18:49I can't say I care for the way your city treats us poor aliens.
18:54You're an alien.
18:55Yes, Daphne Moon.
18:56You see, my friend Zina and I, she's an alien too.
19:00We're trying to get down to Mazatlan to rendezvous with her mother's ship.
19:04Her mother's ship?
19:06Yes, and from what I hear, it's quite spectacular.
19:09I'm sure it is.
19:10Eliza, why don't you go with these two gentlemen?
19:12I'm sure they can take care of you.
19:14Well, thank you very much.
19:17Hello.
19:18Do you two work for the mayor?
19:20Well, I suppose I should know that already, you see.
19:23I'm a bit psychic.
19:26Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
19:28I'll stand, I'll stand!
19:32I can't go on any longer.
19:34My feet are killing me.
19:36We lost them.
19:37Most of them dropped out after the first corner,
19:40but that short one with the pigtails was a regular gazelle.
19:43Yes!
19:45Look!
19:47It's even farther away than it was before.
19:50There's it.
19:51The monorail.
19:52It goes through the Space Needle.
19:54Let's go!
20:02Welcome to the Seattle Monorail.
20:05Do you think anyone saw us sneaking on?
20:07No, I think we're all right.
20:09I hate to say it, but it was sort of exciting,
20:12flouting the law like that.
20:15Give you some idea of why outlaws have always been such romantic figures.
20:19Perhaps you might have cut a more dashing figure
20:21had you vaulted over the turnstile rather than crawling underneath it.
20:27I'm surprised the trains are even running on Frasier Crane Day.
20:34Yes, well, with any luck, we'll still cast the last 20 minutes of the rally.
20:40I'll explain my lateness. I have no idea.
20:43So if they can't tell them about the fish and the little girls,
20:49they'll make something up, I suppose.
20:51Any suggestions?
20:53The train stopped.
20:55Well, that's not very original.
20:57No, Frasier, the train stopped.
21:01Good morning. What's going on?
21:03Excuse me. What's happening?
21:05There's an electrical problem ahead. We're going back to Westlake.
21:09What? But those people are waiting for me.
21:12Well, they're so close.
21:14I guess it just isn't your day.
21:16But it is my day!
21:20Don't panic, Frasier.
21:22Don't panic?
21:24Yes, why should I have any reason to panic?
21:27My God, I'm only going to miss a celebration in my own honor,
21:30making me a laughingstock forever.
21:32And why? Because you spilled coffee on my shoes.
21:35You're blaming me?
21:37If you had the gripping ability every species above the tree swath was born with.
21:42Perhaps you should think back on the 45 minutes you and your ego spent in that shoe store
21:47trying on every pair of shoes, including the ones the manager was wearing.
21:50Are you calling me vain?
21:51If the Joan and David Betts...
21:53Oh, for God's sake, you know...
21:55Oh, you stepped out of that crate and kept that size...
21:57The problem fits into the drink...
22:07I don't even know why I'm yelling at you.
22:10I guess I'm just trying to blame you because I don't want to face the truth.
22:15I'm a big, fat phony.
22:19I wanted my day.
22:23I wanted hoopla and fuss.
22:27Practically planned the whole thing myself.
22:30You did?
22:32Yes.
22:34Says a lot about me as a psychiatrist, doesn't it?
22:40I'm a small man.
22:44What does it say about me that I was happy seeing you miss your day?
22:50You were?
22:52Of course. I've been jealous of you all week.
22:56I'm a tiny man.
22:58Next to me, you're a giant.
23:01I stare up at your ankles.
23:03I'd need a stepladder just...
23:05Oh, let's not do that.
23:08You shouldn't feel guilty, Frasier.
23:11Everyone deserves a fuss.
23:13You, above all.
23:15You've helped a lot of people.
23:18They deserve a chance to thank you for it.
23:22I cannot.
23:31Dr. Raine is on his way to the theater any minute.
23:36There he goes.
23:41Goodbye, Fuss.
23:46Goodbye, day.
23:57I hesitate to say this, but you still have a lot of time.
24:02I hesitate to say this, but you still have time.
24:05Stop it!
24:07Don't you dare get my hopes up.
24:10That ship has sailed.
24:12That fat lady has...
24:14Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
24:18Oh, damn.
24:21I give up.
24:23Well, I don't.
24:24This is your day, and if I can get you there for a curtain call, I will.
24:28I still have the blind man's quarter.
24:30Stay here. I'm going to call a cab.
24:32Thank you, Niall.
24:34You're a good brother.
24:36Hey, I hear you're yelling for a cab.
24:39Yes.
24:40I can take you if you want.
24:42Are you serious?
24:43Yeah.
24:44Niall! Niall, let's go!
24:46Come on.
24:52What about your friend?
24:53Oh, he'll be all right.
24:55He's got street smarts.
24:58Where are we going?
24:59Oh, the Space Needle, please.
25:01No problem.
25:02Be there in five minutes.
25:04Now that's the first good news I've heard all day.
25:09I'm having a pretty rough day myself.
25:11Oh?
25:12Yeah, my, uh...
25:14ex-wife is getting remarried tomorrow.
25:17In Pennsylvania.
25:20You going to that rally over there?
25:22Oh, as a matter of fact, I am.
25:25I told her I'd come to the wedding.
25:28I've been getting cold feet.
25:30Better make up my mind soon, though.
25:33The plane leaves in a few hours.
25:35They don't give you any bargains on those last-minute tickets, either.
25:40Oh, maybe this isn't the best time to tell you this,
25:42but I'll have to...
25:44owe you for this ride.
25:48Don't worry about it.
25:53We probably never should have gotten married in the first place.
25:57We were young.
25:59Had a few good years, though.
26:01Well, that's something, at least.
26:05At least the kids are going to be there tomorrow.
26:08Kids?
26:10Son and a daughter.
26:12I don't see it much.
26:14They went with their mom when we divorced.
26:18Heard that?
26:20I think I'm more excited about seeing them than about seeing me.
26:25Why would you say that?
26:28Just a feeling.
26:31I didn't make much of my life back when Marie and I were together.
26:36Turned it around, though.
26:38I own this car.
26:40Well, it's a...
26:43It's a nice one.
26:45Yeah. The hardest part is...
26:48If I do go, I have to see my in-laws.
26:52They were never too crazy about me.
26:55This new guy Marie is marrying,
26:57he's supposed to be some kind of big success.
27:00I don't know what I'd say to any of them.
27:03Part of me thinks
27:05I'd just be better off leaving the whole thing alone.
27:09And part of you doesn't?
27:12I'd like to see my kids.
27:15Especially now they're getting a new dad.
27:19A hell of a choice, huh?
27:21Well, you know, sometimes
27:23difficult choices like these can be good things.
27:29They can teach us about who we are.
27:42I've been sure enough about this.
27:46Besides, we're here.
27:49Don't worry about me. I've got plenty of time.
27:53Tell me more about your kids.
27:57All right.
28:00I'm John, by the way.
28:03I'm Frazier.
28:18Maybe I hear the blues a-crawling
28:20Tossed salad and scrambled eggs
28:23Like a scrambled egg
28:26And maybe I see my bit
28:28Well, yeah, maybe
28:30But I got you back
28:32Yeah!
28:33Bit, salad, scrambled
28:35But I don't know what to do
28:37With those tossed salad and scrambled eggs
28:43They're going again
28:44Scrambled eggs
28:47Go on, Seattle, we love you!