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FunTranscript
00:00My Outro For My 20th Birthday
00:30You can't confiscate private property.
00:32Who are you working for, the Sheriff of Nottingham?
00:34It's illegal to carry an offensive weapon on the street.
00:37But it's part of my Halloween costume. I'm the Grim Reaper.
00:41What do you think of something else? Little Bo Peep?
00:44That cost me two quid down the scrapyard.
00:47The government owes me two quid.
00:49Laugh it up, boys. I'm taking names.
00:54Oh!
00:56Tutt-a-tutt.
00:58Did the nasty policeman ruin your little cossie?
01:00What's with the peg leg?
01:02Remember that kid trick-or-treating last year?
01:04The one with the broken arm?
01:05Oh, yeah, and everyone felt sorry for her,
01:07since she got the best...
01:10Hang on a minute. You're pretending you've only got one leg.
01:13Genius, isn't it? I'm going out of long-jump silver.
01:16I've made up this really sad story.
01:18How about I've lost my leg,
01:19saving my puppy from a dolphin with rabies?
01:22Propaganda. He's winning hearts and minds.
01:25I'll be getting so much for this,
01:26I'll be chucking half of it in the bin.
01:28Why don't you follow me around? Pick it out.
01:41Are you just pretending he's only got one leg?
01:43You can't do that. That's so wrong.
01:46Yeah, I know, but it'll work.
01:47When people see him acting all pathetic, they'll...
01:50That's it. We'll go out before they see him.
01:52We'll go out really early.
01:53A pre-emptive strike?
01:55Outstanding.
01:57You know, or we could just tell on him.
02:01Are you saying we should turn him former?
02:04Absolutely not. I was just testing you. You passed.
02:09Right, we'll go out really early and with great costumes.
02:17Oh, my foot. It's in agony.
02:20It's been shattered like glass.
02:22I'm really sorry. The pumpkin just dripped on my foot.
02:25It just dripped out of my hands.
02:27Imagine if I was lying on the floor.
02:29That pumpkin would have gone straight on my head.
02:31I'd be dead by now.
02:33I'm writing a will in case I die.
02:36I'm leaving you, Simon, Roger and Pete.
02:40Pete's the lamb.
02:42You're a bit young for a will, aren't you, love?
02:44But I might be taken.
02:45Nigel Thompson said Halloween is when ghosts and witches
02:48snatch children.
02:49There's no such thing as ghosts and witches.
02:51You said there are no wolves in England
02:53and I found out there is.
02:55In the zoo.
02:57The only ghosts and witches that you see at Halloween
02:59are just all little kids dressing up.
03:01All of them?
03:03All of them. You've got nothing to worry about.
03:05It's absolutely fine.
03:07OK, got the X-ray?
03:09My foot! It's like an animal's claw.
03:12That's what X-rays look like.
03:14She's more the creative type.
03:16Well, there's nothing broken, just a tiny fracture of the little toe.
03:19Well, that can't be right. I'm in agony.
03:22All right, I'll get you a wheelchair.
03:24Unbelievable. What a witch!
03:27Nurse, Louis, she's just a nurse.
03:39Ah.
03:41Been to the post office to pick up these.
03:44High-end fireworks.
03:45From Germany, yeah.
03:47Nice to do something for the kids, isn't it?
03:50No, they're great, the Germans, for the smaller rockets.
03:56Connect to the network, OK? Yep.
04:00Whoa, what's on this?
04:02My fireworks.
04:04All right.
04:06You see, once you scale up, you need computers.
04:08And a proper launch pad for the bigger rockets.
04:13The ones with the multi-programmable buoys.
04:16It's a lot of work, but it's worth it.
04:19For the kids.
04:24I need to go.
04:33Who?
04:34Nikola Tesla.
04:36Father of electricity.
04:38And he just wears a white coat, no mask or weapons.
04:41He is a real person.
04:42So was General Patton, but at least I made an effort.
04:46Real gabardine with authentic replica sidearm.
04:50But Mum took it off me.
04:52Said it looked too real.
04:53Same here with the scythe.
04:55But I've thought of a way we can make one.
04:57That's even better.
05:05Oh, no, your foot's broken.
05:08It's a slightly fractured toe.
05:10Toe's nothing, it's fine.
05:12The pain I'm in and nobody even cares.
05:14We do.
05:16Well, she doesn't.
05:17She's the one that dropped that on me.
05:20Come on, let me give you a hand.
05:24There you go.
05:25Right, nice cup of tea.
05:29Baby, one of those?
05:31No, no way.
05:32They're for the trick-or-treaters.
05:33They're Swiss chocolate, top quality.
05:36Too good for me, are they?
05:38Come here, have a few.
05:39No, cost me a fortune, these.
05:41Trying to make up for last year
05:43when your dad gave out bargain store toffees.
05:45All natural, that's what they sell on the label.
05:47Brought all the kids out in orange hives.
05:49Why do my plans never work?
05:51I've got fireworks for bonfire night,
05:53but Royce, he's got to go one better, hasn't he?
05:54Computerised, multiple warheads.
05:56I'm sure you can both do fireworks.
05:58No, no, this is me, this.
06:00I think too small.
06:01I mean, I'm tall, but inside I'm a little, little man.
06:08Oh, don't you lot look great.
06:10Hang on a minute, is that...
06:11It is, that's the lamp out of the guest lounge.
06:13Yeah, we're just borrowing it.
06:15I'm being creative, I'm...
06:16Darlene, no.
06:17What? No?
06:18No.
06:20Well, OK, OK, then what about using this upside down?
06:24WHOOSH
06:27A brush.
06:30No, you're right.
06:31Pathetic, isn't it?
06:32Little man with a sparrow's heart.
06:37The grim reaper without a scythe, it's pathetic.
06:39No-one will give me anything, no-one will even...
06:41I've just had a stroke of genius.
06:44A wheelchair?
06:46What good's a wheelchair?
06:51It's really good, Ben, the way you're acting so sad.
06:54It's not an act, I'm sad.
06:57I was going to be Tesla, father of...
06:59Hey, your costume wasn't up to scratch,
07:01so you had to be the wheelchair guy.
07:03The fake wheelchair guy.
07:05And we said what Tuttle was doing was really bad.
07:09How is this different?
07:10We're going to stop him, we're fighting against evil.
07:13But don't you see, by fighting evil, we ourselves are becoming...
07:17OK, people, this is it.
07:19We're going in.
07:21But what if someone recognises me?
07:23My good family name, dragged in the mud.
07:26Who even talks like that?
07:34Oh, trick or treat.
07:37Oh, you're early.
07:39You're early. Lovely costumes.
07:43And you're... a monk?
07:47Grim Reaper. I got my scythe took off me.
07:50Oh, and you're...
07:51General George Smith Patton, at your service, ma'am.
07:56Sweet.
07:59And you're...
08:00An Olympic gold medallist. It was always his dream.
08:03Wasn't it, Jim?
08:05Yeah, and then his family went and hauled him to Africa.
08:08He got bitten by this thing, you know, like a mongoose,
08:10except bigger. Oh.
08:11And then he caught this disease,
08:13and ever since then, his legs have been like rubber.
08:15Isn't that right, Jim?
08:17But I'm on them end.
08:20You're such a brave boy.
08:23Here.
08:26You've got to face the facts, Jim.
08:28You're going to be in this wheelchair for years.
08:30Oh, I've done lots.
08:36Thanks. You're ever so kind.
08:41Feel the weight of that.
08:43Outstanding.
08:44I think this might just be the worst thing we've ever done.
08:47What? You should be proud.
08:49Proud?
08:50Yeah, you made that lady feel really good about herself.
08:53She's just helped a pork head in a wheelchair.
08:56Yeah, but I'm not a pork head.
08:57I'm a pig.
08:58Yeah, but I'm not a pork head.
09:00I'm a liar, a fraud, a despicable...
09:02Ben, save your energy,
09:04cos, look, it's going to be a long campaign.
09:10Trick or treat.
09:11Ooh, come in, come in.
09:13Oh, I'm frightened to death.
09:16Look at you lot.
09:17You look fantastic.
09:19My mum said not to take anything from you
09:22if it came from a bathroom stall.
09:24Oh. No.
09:26No, no, we've got lovely things.
09:29We've got Swiss chocolate.
09:31You just stay there, I'll get you some.
09:39Where's all the stuff I bought?
09:40My stomach. It's in agony.
09:42You've eaten the lot?
09:45What am I going to use for the trick or treat?
09:47First the pumpkin, then you feed me all the chocolates.
09:49It's like you're out to get me.
09:51Oh, please, there must be something.
09:54Right. Bit of a problem with the chocolates.
09:58There you go. Help yourselves to a digestive.
10:02My mum was right about you.
10:04She said don't bother with the inlines.
10:06Come on, let's go to a proper house.
10:11Your mum is wrong.
10:12We are good people in this house.
10:15Good people.
10:24Tons, literally tons of chocolate.
10:26Supplies for the whole winter.
10:28Cheer up, Ben. Here, have some chocolate.
10:31I'll never eat chocolate again.
10:33You've ruined it for me after what I've done today.
10:35Oi! What are you doing out so early?
10:38I thought I'd get a head start.
10:40Can't get anything good.
10:41Everyone's been banging on about him.
10:43The brave boy in the wheelchair.
10:46Hang on. I know you.
10:49No, I'm... I'm Jim.
10:51I live on Bathurst.
10:53Haven't you? Maybe you've seen me down there, that way.
10:56You know, right on the other side of town.
10:58No, I saw you walking through the park the other week,
11:01picking up dried leaves and putting them into a little book
11:03and making notes.
11:05Right, what are you doing?
11:06You can't pick on someone in a wheelchair.
11:08He's pretending. You've stolen my idea.
11:11You need to step away, right now, or I will hurt you.
11:15I'll be seeing you, mate. Count on it.
11:20Did you hear that? They'll be seeing me.
11:22Sounds very threatening.
11:23Relax, Ben. We've got your back.
11:25Come on, can we go?
11:27We've made our point, had our fun. It's time to stop.
11:30Yeah, we will, after we've done loads more houses.
11:33Come on, guys.
11:35Think about it. What's more important?
11:38Our reputations? The good names of our family?
11:41Or a few more bars of chocolate?
11:43Good point, Ben.
11:45Chocolate!
11:53Mum, Mum, there's some children dressed up as ghosts.
11:55Shh! They'll hear you.
11:57If they're not real, why are you scared?
11:59Louie, be quiet.
12:00You mean they are real?
12:01Shh!
12:04Enough of the hiding.
12:06I'm not sneaking around my own house like a burglar.
12:08Me neither. Who cares if a few kids say
12:10the Enrights didn't give them anything?
12:12I do. I do. I care. I always care.
12:15I'm going to go to the shop.
12:18No treats, but here's a trick.
12:19Put my earwig on, will you?
12:21Here we go.
12:29I'll have a dozen of the mini bars
12:31and two dozen of the chocolate coins.
12:35These are all some high-quality stuff.
12:37Oh, the best? But it's good to be careful.
12:40Last year, some man gave to my kids bad toffees.
12:43Then they have orange lumps.
12:45Hives, probably.
12:47No, lumps.
12:48They had to go to hospital.
12:51If I could find that man...
12:54Oh, you've got the old-fashioned fireworks there, look.
12:57You want?
12:58No, I don't really do fireworks any more.
13:00It's all about who's got the biggest and the best.
13:02It's pathetic, isn't it?
13:03Nobody buys.
13:05Not even Tupelov.
13:06The best fireworks in the whole world.
13:09Tupelov?
13:22Are they legal?
13:23In many parts of Russia.
13:29What kills me is the trust in their eyes as we lie and cheat.
13:34I'm parched.
13:35I know what'll cure you up.
13:37We'll buy you a nice drink.
13:38Pineapple!
13:40I just want to go home.
13:42Yeah, we won't be a minute.
13:43Charlie!
13:45You can't just leave me here.
13:48Charlie!
13:52Lovely evening, isn't it?
13:54Just enjoying the fresh air.
13:59I'm not lonely.
14:01I'm just, er, waiting for my mates.
14:04Hey, you!
14:06Charlie!
14:07I know you can walk.
14:08Charlie!
14:10Charlie!
14:11Get back here!
14:12Charlie! I'm going to get you!
14:13Tuddle's chasing me!
14:15Charlie! Tuddles!
14:16I'm going to get you! Charlie!
14:22Ah!
14:27Help!
14:28Help!
14:29Ah!
14:32Ah!
14:33Help!
14:36Help!
14:40Ah!
14:43Ah!
14:52Are you all right?
14:53Tom! Tom!
15:00I'm fine. I'm fine.
15:02Oh.
15:04Your wheelchair.
15:05It's badly damaged.
15:07It's all right.
15:09I've actually landed in quite a comfortable position,
15:11so, er, my friends will be along shortly.
15:14Tom, this poor boy.
15:17Let's get him inside.
15:19No, just, er...
15:21Just, er, lean me up against that wall
15:23and, er, my mum will find me.
15:25She always does.
15:27Don't be silly.
15:28Come on, Tom, I'll take it all the way to you!
15:33All right, Reggie.
15:35We'll patrol her house till Halloween's over.
15:37We'll make sure no witches or ghosts get in.
15:40KNOCK AT DOOR
15:41OK, maybe we'll just patrol upstairs.
15:45KNOCK AT DOOR
15:48There's someone there. I can see her.
15:50Have a look. Can you see? Can you see? Have a look.
15:52All right, let me see.
15:56Is this coming?
15:57Ah, here he is. Hi there, Kevin.
16:01Oh!
16:02Hello.
16:04Hello!
16:05You just, er, caught me doing a bit of, er, cleaning.
16:08Yeah, we did not. Didn't you hear us?
16:10Oh, I must have been so absorbed.
16:12Yes, she loves cleaning this one.
16:14She's butchered. She cleans like a dog with a little chewy treat.
16:17Sorry, that came out wrong.
16:19Er, kids, kids, come on in, come on in!
16:22Cleaning without any cloths or mops.
16:24Just use your hand, do you?
16:26Yeah. Hey, look, sweets!
16:28There you go, kids! Look at that!
16:32Hannah in?
16:33She texted about a broken foot.
16:36Yes, go through.
16:40Hey, Hannah.
16:41Brought you some magazines.
16:43Cheers.
16:44Your foot?
16:46I thought it would be in a cast.
16:48It's not that kind of break.
16:50Really? I thought a break always needed a cast to nip the boot.
16:53I don't know, do I?
16:55I'm not a doctor.
16:56I'm in agony and everyone's just on and on at me.
17:02Aren't you a bit old for trick-or-treating?
17:05I'm going to Wendy Stokes' party.
17:07Wendy Stokes is having a party?
17:10Yeah.
17:11Massive fancy dress, marquee, two bands,
17:14a proper DJ from Leeds.
17:17Didn't she tell you?
17:19Yeah, she did. I remember now.
17:21Pity you can't go. It'll be awesome.
17:25Yeah. It's a rotten foot.
17:30Oh! You hear that?
17:32What?
17:33Something just clicked into place.
17:35Feels way better.
17:36Maybe I can go to the party.
17:45Would you, er, have a little look at this?
17:48Oh, right. Yes, that is, er...
17:51WHISTLES
17:52Summits at 5,000 feet,
17:54then four 16-ounce warheads simultaneously detonate.
17:58Kaboom!
18:00It's pretty spectacular.
18:01Yeah, fantastic, if anyone sees it.
18:04Sorry? Well, people don't know you're doing fireworks, do they?
18:07You haven't told them.
18:09Oh. Pity, really.
18:11After all the money you've spent.
18:13Guys, let everyone know there's going to be
18:15a massive fireworks display right here!
18:17No, no, they're coming round to mine for bonfire night.
18:20It's a tradition.
18:21Tonight! It's happening tonight!
18:23What? No, but you can't do that for fireworks of a bonfire night.
18:27Well, the kids are out already. It's a nice little treat for them, isn't it?
18:30Plus, I still think they'll come to your little thing
18:32with the sparklers and the jelly, hopefully.
18:37Oh, come, Fee.
18:39I'll call your mum.
18:41What's her number?
18:43Five, four...
18:46I don't remember.
18:48Oh, that's not a problem.
18:50What's her name and address?
18:54Erm, I don't remember.
18:56I don't remember anything from before the crash.
18:59Did you bang your head?
19:02I don't remember.
19:04What about your name?
19:08Oh, wait! Your friend.
19:11He called your gym.
19:14That sounds familiar.
19:25He's not answering.
19:27He's deserted. We'll have to abort.
19:30What? And give up on a ton of chocolate?
19:32I don't think so. We need to find another wheelchair.
19:36Hospital!
19:38I don't think you should walk on a broken foot.
19:40Tom, it's just a toe.
19:42Shh! Dad!
19:44My toe, it sort of clicked back into place, didn't it, Jenny?
19:47Er... I think it's OK. I think I can go out now.
19:51Hang on a minute. Half an hour ago, it was all the agony.
19:54Shoot me now. I've got a bit on.
19:56You are not walking on that foot, end of story.
19:58Walking? Of course not walking.
20:00I'll go in the wheelchair.
20:02Jenny's going to push me, aren't you, Jenny?
20:05Er, yeah, sure.
20:07Whoa, that's just saying Tom's all right.
20:11All right. Just for a little while.
20:13I'll go and get your chair.
20:15I bought this witch costume from last year.
20:17It's actually pretty cool.
20:19There's a big wig, and then you do...
20:21Er, the chair. It's gone.
20:25Charlie!
20:28Where's the wheelchairs? I could have been hit by a bus.
20:31Or shot by a Glock 9mm.
20:33Exactly, and no wheelchairs.
20:35What kind of hospital has no wheelchairs?
20:37Can I help you?
20:39Yeah, erm...
20:41We're here to see my dad.
20:43Mr Shaw? Yeah.
20:45He's expecting you. Come on.
20:47Oh, no, we know the way.
20:48We're just going to pop to his shop and get him a few things first.
20:51Oh, sorry, you've got to come now. He's just about to go down for his op.
20:56You all right?
20:58No.
21:00HE SIGHS
21:05Look, I know you're disappointed, but there'll be other parties.
21:12And they're never as good as you think.
21:14I mean, imagine all sorts, don't you?
21:16Your mates out there having the best night of their lives.
21:19Them thinking it's only so good because you're not there.
21:23Maybe you're, you know, holding them back.
21:26Maybe if they just dropped you completely, their lives would be better.
21:30And then, you know, you end up all alone, no mates,
21:33like that woman who dances on the side of the Bridlington Bypass
21:37with the things in her hair and the...gums.
21:41But, you know, it's just tricks of the mind.
21:45In all honesty, that will...
21:48..most probably not happen to you.
21:52So...yeah.
21:55Yeah.
22:04This lad, can you show me where he is?
22:07He's in here.
22:09HE GASPS
22:11Erm, not used to your chair.
22:14I, er, overstretched a bit and took a...took a tumble.
22:22Well, it was a bit more of a rolling tumble.
22:28All right, Jim. Right, we're going to lift you.
22:31OK, on one, two, three.
22:37Right, we need to get you some proper help.
22:46Mr Shaw, someone here to see you.
22:49All right, Dad.
22:51I've got to go.
22:53Mr Shaw, someone here to see you.
22:56All right, Dad.
22:58Who's this?
23:00It's the anaesthetic. Your dad's a little disorientated.
23:03It's not the anaesthetic. I've never seen these two before in my life.
23:07It's me, your son, Henry.
23:09What's going on? Say goodbye to your dad.
23:12You've got me mixed up with someone else.
23:14Bye, Dad, we love you. I don't want the operation.
23:16This is ridiculous. See you on the other side. Hopefully.
23:19You've got the wrong man.
23:21Oh, don't worry, he'll be fine.
23:23Mr Shaw!
23:25It won't be dark for an hour. You can't expect us to wait around.
23:28Half an hour. It'll be dark enough then.
23:30These kids are trick-or-treating.
23:32If they don't go now, all the chocolate will be gone.
23:34No, no, no. We're going to start the fireworks right now.
23:37Daytime fireworks don't be ridiculous.
23:39We're going to start with this one.
23:51Oh, God.
23:58Yes!
24:00God.
24:02Yes.
24:06Mmm.
24:08Mmm.
24:10Mmm.
24:12Mmm.
24:14Mmm.
24:16Mmm.
24:18Mmm.
24:20Mmm.
24:22Mmm.
24:24Mmm.
24:26Oh, Marty! A pirate! Brilliant!
24:29It's not just a costume. I really do only have one leg.
24:32You see my pup, Freddy? He was attacked by dolphins with...
24:35Fantastic! Now, if anyone asks you where you got these very expensive sweets,
24:39you say Brookville B&B, OK? Got that?
24:42Brookville. B-R-O-O...
24:44Oh, look!
24:51Ooh!
24:53Ha-ha!
24:55Ooh!
25:05Oh, oh, oh!
25:07Coming, coming, coming!
25:09It's fine, it's fine.
25:11It's all right.
25:13Run, run, run! Take cover!
25:15I think you've been really brave, Reggie.
25:18Get out, witch! Get out!
25:20Run for your lives!
25:22Take cover!
25:32Witch, get out! Get out!
25:34What are you doing?
25:36Down!
25:38Oh!
25:40Ah!
25:44Oh, no!
25:49Oh!
26:03Whoo! Yeah!
26:05That was great, guys, wasn't it?
26:08Yeah. Right, come on. Come on, we're going.
26:11It's not safe here. Come on.
26:13Surprised at you. Surprised, Kevin.
26:15I work like that. Needs proper anchoring.
26:18Just a slight miscalculation.
26:20No, go.
26:26Shall I give you five minutes before I put the rockets on, or...?
26:29No, yeah.
26:35He'll wake up perfect. This'll be like a dream.
26:38But, Dad, he didn't even know who I was.
26:41Oh, don't worry, love.
26:43Maybe I just need a rest.
26:45Maybe I could just sit in that wheelchair for a minute.
26:48Of course.
26:53And maybe if you could leave me outside for a bit in the fresh air?
26:57Good idea.
27:02Don't worry, Jim, top class team here
27:04will find out exactly what's wrong with you.
27:08No man left behind.
27:10Wheelchair! I need a wheelchair!
27:12I need a wheelchair!
27:14What? What's happening now?
27:16Charlie, are you all right?
27:18He's fine. He's just a bit upset about his dad's operation.
27:25Charlie?
27:27Charlie!
27:32How can this be right?
27:34Cleaning up after the council bonfire. And for what?
27:37For being creative with my Halloween costume.
27:40What kind of lesson's that for a child?
27:42It's a travesty of justice.
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