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FunTranscript
00:30Charlie, did you not think the washing machine might break the dishes?
00:44Of course. I'm not stupid. That's why I wrapped them in this. To protect them.
00:49The good tablecloth. Right. That's it. No more pocket money until all this is paid for.
00:57But I was trying to save you from washing up. Inventions don't work on the first go.
01:03It took Einstein loads of tries before he flew across the Atlantic.
01:09Mum, can you buy me an antique ring? No. Right. You clear out every single bit of that.
01:15But I need it for school. We have to bring in something interesting to talk about.
01:21Last year, all I had was a rock shaped like a fried egg.
01:24So humiliating. So this year, we'll find a more interesting rock.
01:32It says in my book that Earth is a giant ball within free space. Who's steering it?
01:38Well, um, no one. So we could crash into another planet and all die in a huge fire?
01:45No, no, no, no. Each planet moves in a fixed orbit. He won't understand that.
01:50You see, this plate is the sun and the cup is our world. They're broken. They crashed.
01:56Everybody, this is Mr Lyman. He wants a room for tonight. He's an artist.
02:00Oh. We'll put you in the hall for Mr Lyman. It's our best room.
02:06Ah, yes, um, one of Charlie's experiments. Turns out crockery is breakable. Who knew?
02:13I'm quite serious about art myself, actually. Ceramics, you know. I do little animals actually.
02:28You've got a minute. Not now, Kevin. Charlie, would you help Mr Lyman with his things?
02:38He's got a nice car. I think he might be a bit well off, you know.
02:41Don't go bothering him with your animals.
02:45Annie, you could take these to school if you like to talk about.
02:49Are you actually trying to ruin my life?
02:57Be careful.
03:01What are they? Fields.
03:03Shapes, colours, feelings.
03:06No one's going to want to buy shapes. You've got to paint proper things.
03:10I just did a brilliant painting of a T-Rex fighting a giraffe.
03:14I used to paint things. But this collection, best work I've ever done.
03:24Sold, sold, sold. He's quite established.
03:30Oh, yeah, no, yeah. Great energy. Practically leaps off the canvas, doesn't it?
03:38I've been striving for that intensity.
03:41Newsflash, you've failed.
03:45Your animals are lovely, Kevin. But it's more of a hobby, isn't it?
03:51Unbelievable. I don't even know why I bother. Artists like Lyman, he'd understand.
03:56That Lyman, he can't even paint. He can only do rectangles. You're such an idiot.
04:04He did that?
04:05Mm-hmm. He's quite successful, actually.
04:07He's picked hisself about 2,000 quid each.
04:09Not that that matters. It's all about the journey.
04:12I wonder if he'd paint me like that. Now, that'd be something to bring to school.
04:17I don't want anyone bothering him. If he likes it here, he'll tell his friends.
04:21We could get lots of artists coming out to the coast for the beautiful quality of the light.
04:26We could get known for it.
04:28But why would people buy rectangles? They're easy. Anyone can do...
04:43Mr Lyman?
04:51Hi, Hannah. Look what I've got to be talking about in school.
04:55It's a hat pin. Belonged to my great-great-grandmother.
04:59She used it to stab a highwayman who tried to rob her.
05:02Amazing story, isn't it?
05:04Quite.
05:05What are you bringing? You still got that fried egg rock?
05:08No, actually, there's a famous artist staying at Airbnb, and he's painting a portrait of me.
05:13Oh.
05:14I'm just going to go and get my hat pin.
05:16I'm going to go and get my hat pin.
05:18I'm going to get my hat pin.
05:21Oh. So, I've got a really interesting face, actually. Inspiring.
05:25But your thing's great, too. Really brilliant. A pin.
05:30Oh.
05:50All right?
05:51What are you doing?
05:52Just checking for moths. Don't worry, you're all clear.
05:59Oh.
06:11I can't believe we're doing an art project.
06:14Yeah.
06:15Oh, I brought some books on, er, seabirds, herons and terns.
06:19I thought we could try painting some of them.
06:21No. We're doing these.
06:24Rectangles. An artist at the B&B does them.
06:27Sells them for a fortune.
06:29Copy them?
06:30That's forgery!
06:32A clandestine art operation.
06:33Outstanding!
06:35No way. I'm not doing it.
06:37Fine. We don't need you.
06:39So...
06:41..purple.
06:43You have to have blue and red.
06:46Just try a few things.
06:48No. That's not purple. It's cerise.
06:51Which you get by mixing an ultramarine blue and a red.
06:54Easy.
06:56That violet's going to be more of a challenge.
07:04Just a girl eating an apple.
07:08Who knows what I'm thinking?
07:10It's a mystery.
07:15OK.
07:22See? Top-quality rectangles.
07:24People are mad for them.
07:26I told you, I don't sell kids' paintings ever.
07:29Now, please.
07:34No, no, we didn't paint these.
07:37My uncle Charles did.
07:39He's in the army overseas.
07:41He's brilliant at blowing things up.
07:44Oh, erm...
07:46Yeah. Yeah, I see it now.
07:49The horrors of war.
07:51That one's called Tanks At Dawn.
07:54That's brutally honest.
07:56He has a...unflinching gaze.
07:59Everyone says that.
08:01All right, I'll try him.
08:03I'll do a brochure, but I'll need a photograph of him.
08:06I'll do a portrait of him.
08:08I'll do a portrait of him.
08:10I'll do a portrait of him.
08:12I'll do a portrait of him.
08:14I'll do a brochure, but I'll need a photograph of your uncle in uniform.
08:28Oi!
08:29What a stupid place for a picnic!
08:32WHISTLE BLOWS
08:44Brilliant.
08:46Tampering with army uniform.
08:48I'm sure this is treason.
08:50They can still shoot you for that.
08:52Just email it and use my special undercover spy address.
08:56John Smith.
08:582003.
09:00Nice.
09:04I'll just, um, clear off any fingerprints.
09:18I mentioned my sculptures.
09:20I'd love to know what you think.
09:22Oh, there you are. Hey!
09:24Hello.
09:26I brought some coffee, Mr Lyman.
09:28Look at the quality of light here, isn't there?
09:30I hadn't noticed.
09:32Oh, yeah, yeah. Quite inspirational for artists, I imagine.
09:34Yeah, it's been a huge influence on me.
09:36Anyway, if you need anything else, let me know.
09:38We will.
09:42No! Helen!
09:44Helen!
09:46I told you not to bother me, didn't I?
09:48I just want to show my animals.
09:50I found this in the shed.
09:54If only it had a nice picture to go inside it.
09:59Oh!
10:01You want me to paint you?
10:03Really? That would be so brilliant!
10:05Well, I'm sorry, I've moved away from portraiture.
10:07Even if you saw someone really inspiring?
10:12I hardly ever do.
10:21I know about orbits now.
10:23All the planets go round the sun,
10:25not each on the same road, which is quite strange.
10:27They're all on the same road, which is called an orbit.
10:29That's why two planets can't crash,
10:31because they're never on the same road.
10:33Except for asteroids.
10:35Huge rocks flying through space.
10:37And they do it planets.
10:39And not Earth.
10:41Yeah, wiped out dinosaurs.
10:43Probably wipe us out too.
10:45Anyway, night!
10:57Can you hide these?
10:59I don't want your dad pestering Mr Lyman.
11:01You all right?
11:05Well, it's Lyman, you see.
11:07I asked if he'd paint me.
11:09I told you not to bother him.
11:11He says I'm not inspiring.
11:13That means I'm just ordinary, doesn't it?
11:19Hannah.
11:21Look in the mirror.
11:23You are beautiful.
11:25You knock out.
11:27Thanks, Mum.
11:29It's your dad I'm worried about.
11:31He thinks Lyman's going to take one look at those
11:33and tell him he's a genius.
11:35Some chance.
11:37Dad, he's such a dreamer.
11:39Told me I could do well on my A-levels.
11:47Hey, look at this.
11:49Louis, what's wrong with you?
11:51Didn't you sleep?
11:53There's a fella here
11:55who looks just like your dad.
11:57Oh, amazing.
11:59They're like twins.
12:01He's an artist.
12:03He's got an exhibition on.
12:05Captain Charles of the 4th Regiment.
12:07Let me see.
12:09What are you talking about?
12:11He looks nothing like Dad.
12:13He's got freckles, different hair.
12:15No, you're right, Charlie.
12:17He's nothing like me.
12:19He's having an exhibition.
12:21He's allowed to share his art.
12:23We've got a family that supports him.
12:25My wife encourages him.
12:33Uncle Charles won't like this.
12:35He's a very private man.
12:37He wants me to sell his paintings, doesn't he?
12:39Yeah, but...
12:41Then I need to drum up a bit of interest.
12:43That's why I've bought them.
12:45You can't put that up!
12:47I can.
12:49I paid 60 quid for that.
12:51I'm putting it on the wall at five.
12:59300 quid?
13:01It's all we can manage right now.
13:03And I wouldn't charge you for your stay.
13:05We'd just really love to have some of your work.
13:11I don't have time.
13:13I should get going.
13:15Couldn't you just do something quick?
13:17I'm not looking for a masterpiece.
13:23All right, look.
13:25What if I do something
13:27and it's not signed?
13:29Fine.
13:31Oh, and could you not mention
13:33to Hannah about the money?
13:35I'd really like her to think
13:37that you find her inspiring.
13:39Whatever.
13:43Thank you so much.
13:48Hannah, could you clear up in here, please?
13:51OK.
14:01What?
14:03I'm seeing you now.
14:05I've painted worse.
14:07So you'll paint me?
14:17It's just an operational blur.
14:19Have you been listening?
14:21It's a giant photo of his dad.
14:23Everyone will recognise it.
14:25We'll be done for forgery and treason.
14:27We just need to get the photo back.
14:29That's no good.
14:31It'll just print another one.
14:33We need to stop the exhibition.
14:35Yeah, all right.
14:39Finally.
14:41You're good at sprinting, aren't you?
14:43Me?
14:45Why?
14:53So you're...
14:55I'm sorry, what are you doing?
14:57You know, like that girl you painted.
14:59The one on the beach.
15:03But I'm not painting her.
15:05I'm painting you.
15:07Look, I've only got half an hour.
15:09So you'd better get on with it.
15:11I'm not sure how long the hair will hold.
15:13All right.
15:25Skinny Frappuccino, please.
15:27Really?
15:29I'm trying to stay healthy.
15:31Hey, come back here!
15:37Come here, you...
16:01Hi, ladies.
16:23Helen, I've thought about this very carefully,
16:25and I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist.
16:27Give me my animals back.
16:29No.
16:31OK, then you leave me no option.
16:33I'm going to search for them.
16:37Mum, I saw on telly once
16:39that there was a war,
16:41and people were hidden underground in a place for trains.
16:43Yeah, World War II,
16:45people hid in the London Underground.
16:47We should hide there, so we'll be safe from asteroids.
16:51Hannah?
16:53Hannah?
16:59Everything all right?
17:03Your daughter thinks she was expecting
17:05something a bit more conventional.
17:13That's just so...
17:17striking.
17:19Yeah, yeah.
17:21It's like a punch in the face.
17:23Yeah.
17:25Quite chuffed with that, actually.
17:27And I've signed it.
17:29You got yourself a bit of a bargain there.
17:33It's scary.
17:35No, Louis, no.
17:37This is art.
17:39Anyway, I'd better get on.
17:41It's a long drive to London.
17:45The teeth follow you round the room.
17:51You went that way.
17:59Please, Mum, take it down!
18:01You just don't get it.
18:03Trust me, in a few years, you'll treasure it.
18:05I hate it! I want to smash it!
18:07Hannah, that picture is very valuable.
18:09You are not to touch it.
18:21Bingo!
18:31Bingo was his name.
18:39We'll lie low for a couple of days,
18:41then we'll sell them door to door.
18:43Are you out of your mind?
18:45Have you learnt nothing from this?
18:47If something doesn't work the first time,
18:49it'll definitely work the second.
18:51Roger that.
19:03You wouldn't be that stupid, would you?
19:09Gotcha.
19:11Erm, have those pottery animals, if you like, a quick look.
19:13I probably should finish packing.
19:15Just take a minute.
19:17I must have a second opinion from a fellow artiste.
19:19So...
19:21And I want you to be brutally honest.
19:27Here you go.
19:33I'm not going to be honest.
19:35I'm not going to be honest.
19:37I'm not going to be honest.
19:39I'm not going to be honest.
19:43Erm, the...
19:45kangaroo looks interesting.
19:49The, erm...
19:51You mean the shepherd?
19:53Oh, right.
19:55I see.
19:57So, is that the sheep?
19:59No, that's a border collie.
20:01When did you ever see a sheep wearing a collar?
20:03I'm going to be honest, I don't think they're very good.
20:05You can't even tell what they are.
20:07I know I said be brutally honest.
20:09I didn't expect you to...
20:11It's just my opinion. Yeah.
20:13As long as you enjoy it. Yes.
20:15It's the main thing.
20:19Calls himself an artiste.
20:21Hasn't got a clue.
20:23That does look like a kangaroo.
20:25No, I'll put that...
20:29Manu's going to London.
20:31We'll go with him. We'll be safe.
20:33One day we'll come back.
20:35We'll be alive.
20:41Dad, Mum won't take that horrible picture down!
20:43Hannah, you just don't appreciate...
20:49You're right.
20:51It is horrible, isn't it? Let's burn it.
20:53Yes! No, no.
20:55We're not barbarians.
20:57Besides, if we did that,
20:59Lima would never know, would he?
21:01Huh?
21:03He'll hide this in the boot of his car
21:05and when he gets back to London, he'll find it
21:07and he'll know what it's like to be rejected...
21:09Dad, hurry up.
21:15What are you doing?
21:17Hey, just helping Mr Lime and Pat, you know.
21:19Wow!
21:21Can I have some? I'm starving!
21:23No, it's a bite for Mr Lime
21:25and it's a kind of nice little touch
21:27that'll make him want to come back,
21:29him and his artiste friends.
21:31Um, just wanted to...
21:33settle up.
21:35Of course, yes.
21:39You're welcome.
21:41I'll see you later.
21:43Bye.
21:45Bye.
21:47Yes.
21:49Thank you so much.
21:51I've made a little snack for the road.
21:53Nothing fancy, just some
21:55smoked venison, artisan cheese.
21:57Thanks.
21:59Thanks, but I'd better get a move on.
22:01I've still got a few things to pack.
22:05Don't worry, I'll eat it.
22:07Which one's the venison?
22:09Is that the venison like Robin Hood
22:11used to...
22:13It's gonna pop out for a minute.
22:15Work up an appetite.
22:23Where are the paintings? I know you took them.
22:25I didn't, but I better know who did.
22:27Generals, high up in the army.
22:29What?
22:31They want to stop my uncle from speaking out
22:33about horrors of war and all that.
22:35Right, I want to speak to your uncle.
22:37Alright, I'll get the paintings. They're not here but...
22:39Oh yeah, there they are.
22:45I wish I had never
22:47got mixed up
22:49with you.
22:55Wait,
22:57you can't go.
22:59It's Mum. She's got a tropical
23:01disease.
23:03I'm sorry to hear that.
23:05We was on holidays in Africa
23:07and she got bitten by this thing
23:09like a mongoose, except bigger.
23:11It had germs in its teeth
23:13and now she's got a fatal illness.
23:15I'm sure she'll be fine. Fatal?!
23:17She's only got a couple of months left
23:19and she said
23:21she won't eat her lovely food.
23:25I feel awful.
23:27Mum!
23:29What?
23:33Um,
23:35actually, I do have a bit of time
23:37and the food looks so delicious.
23:43Yes!
23:47So,
23:49imagine we've been caught by the police
23:51and now they're interrogating us.
23:53I don't like this game.
23:55Alright, son,
23:57whose idea was it to copy those
23:59paintings? His name's Charlie.
24:01He lives at Brookville B&B. What?!
24:03I haven't even started torturing you yet!
24:05Well, crack, what's the point in
24:07suffering? Quick, we need to get the paintings
24:09down to the B&B.
24:11We need to get the paintings down to the B&B.
24:27Hopefully we'll see you again.
24:29I hope so.
24:31I really do.
24:35Bye now.
24:37Thanks for all the encouragement.
24:41Bye.
24:49Will he ever leave?
25:01Louis!
25:05I want to go to London.
25:07I don't want to be squashed by the asteroids.
25:09So sorry. Sorry.
25:11It's fine. It's fine.
25:15What?
25:23These aren't my paintings.
25:25I don't understand.
25:27What?
25:29I paint in oils. These are watercolours.
25:31Look at the amateur brushwork!
25:33Yeah, no, it's not your best point, is it? I did think that earlier.
25:35He's bonkers!
25:37What's he saying?
25:39Someone swapped all his paintings for exact copies?
25:41Aliens, was it?
25:43They're not even on canvas, they're on paper.
25:45Look, this one's on the back of a cereal box.
25:47What's he on about?
25:49Maybe it's nerves about your exhibition.
25:51Look, I don't want to argue with someone who's really ill.
25:53Ill?
25:55Just a little fib.
25:57Because you were sad about him not eating your lovely food.
25:59Charlie! How many times?
26:01What kind of people
26:03are you?
26:05Don't go around crushing other people's dreams.
26:07Are you still going on about your
26:09rubbish animals?
26:11Listen, mate, you don't have to worry about them, you better worry about your kids
26:13because they're out of control.
26:15You've got a nerve, haven't you? You don't know anything about our kids.
26:17I think you'd better leave.
26:19Yeah, and your art's rubbish. Who'd want to copy that?
26:21That's what I said! He's bonkers!
26:23You're right, Charlie. It is bonkers.
26:25It's the most bonkers...
26:35You've done something, haven't you?
26:37What have you done? Nothing!
26:39I was helping Ben with an art project and it went
26:41a little bit wrong.
26:55Catch him!
26:57I didn't realise
26:59you were in country.
27:01What's happening?
27:03I've sold a lot. A hundred quid a pop.
27:05Except the portrait, I only got twenty.
27:07It's
27:09eighteen months work.
27:11What have you done?
27:13I'm not bringing the pin to school.
27:15I've got something way better.
27:21What do you think?
27:27I don't want any more of them rectangles.
27:29I've got another batch in the car.
27:33Harry! Harry!
27:39How can this be right?
27:41Clean all the guest rooms for a week.
27:43And for what? For trying to learn about art?
27:45What kind of lesson's that
27:47for a child?
27:49It's a travesty of justice!