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FunTranscript
00:00My Outro For My 20th Birthday
00:30My Outro For My 20th Birthday
00:43This is like torture!
00:45Shhh!
00:49It's like having your fingernails ripped out!
00:52With rusty pliers!
00:53It's only maths, and if you don't do it, you've got a...
00:5798% chance of being grounded!
00:59But we're kids! We should be out playing,
01:02not worrying about how long it'll take Farmer Jones to get to the market!
01:0622 minutes.
01:07I don't care! I hope his vegetables go rotten and he can't sell them!
01:11Course, in the future, kids won't have to study.
01:16They won't?
01:17No. They'll just be hooked up to a supercomputer,
01:20press a few buttons and whoosh! You're a maths genius!
01:23Outstanding!
01:25Course, that's not for another 50 or 60 years.
01:29Except aliens! They could probably do that now!
01:32Yeah, it's quite possible that in some faraway galaxy...
01:37We should contact them! Get them to turn us into maths geniuses!
01:40Contact them how? NASA have been trying for 50 years and you know what they've got?
01:45Nothing.
01:46They're probably doing it all wrong.
01:47And we're gonna solve that, are we?
01:49Three children with no equipment?
01:51You're being negative! It's bad for morale!
01:54You're absolutely right! I want to help in any way I can!
01:57Great! Then all we need to do is build an alien contactor machine!
02:07I really can't see this working! The nearest star's four light years away!
02:11Hey, enough with the science lecture! Just get it operational!
02:14I'm trying! The circuitry's crude, but still, it should amplify the signal.
02:19OK! Connect the satellite dish!
02:25So boys, take a beautiful girl...
02:29Dad, we need a new TV!
02:32And if you took off in the space shuttle, guess how long it'd take to get to the nearest star?
02:37A couple of weeks?
02:3818,000 years!
02:40Boring!
02:42What are you doing? Those are my dad's onions!
02:49That's disgusting!
02:51I'm practising living off the land, so this week I'm gonna eat everything that I capture.
02:56Or as we'd say, steal.
02:58Do you even care about basic food safety?
03:01What doesn't kill me makes me stronger!
03:03Are you sure? I think botulism might make you quite a bit weaker.
03:07Hurry up!
03:11Here we go. Tune it!
03:16Contact!
03:17Hello, this is Charlie at Brockville B&B. Come in!
03:20We urgently need your help!
03:23Children are suffering horribly! You must come immediately!
03:35Tricky.
03:36Yep. Ah, yep, yep.
03:38Looks like a blown microchip.
03:41Right, OK. Anything?
03:47Oh, do we have to do this every time? You've never once fixed anything.
03:51No, no, but I have learned a lot.
03:53Really? Cos it seems like you always just open it up and then say it's a blown microchip.
03:59And then you can't put it back together again.
04:02Relax! I could put this together with my eyes closed.
04:05You pop the thing in the pub, on the words of my flap, that clicks, that clicks, that click, click. That is weird!
04:12Anyway, listen to this.
04:14Vienna. City break. Four nights, five-star hotel, 600 quid all in.
04:19That's a great deal.
04:20Don't have it paid for by Saturday. Let's put it on the good credit card.
04:24Yeah.
04:25What?
04:26The good credit card's kind of bad.
04:29Maxed out? On what?
04:32Oh, food! Shelter! The cost of getting upset like blokes to fix the... What is that thing called?
04:39Where did you get that?
04:41Dad.
04:42A little treat for him, you know.
04:44I love my tart. It's so beautiful.
04:46It's no wonder the card's maxed out.
04:50What are you doing with it, Louis? Are you gonna eat it?
04:54If I eat it, it'll be gone. And I don't want it to be gone.
05:00I need a break.
05:05Charlie, it's for you!
05:07It was an accident. I was just playing. Children are supposed to play, aren't they?
05:11Not on our radio frequencies. That can land you in serious trouble.
05:15I'm so sorry, officer. We have tried to teach him.
05:19I've often thought a night in the cells might do him some good.
05:23But that's probably illegal, is it?
05:31And that's why the squad car was here.
05:33Apparently Charlie had been transmitting an SOS signal on a police channel.
05:38Boys will be boys.
05:40They will indeed, yes.
05:42You try your best only to be a good parent, but...
05:46Yeah, so maybe I could see to him.
05:49Oh, yes, yes. No, I'll go and get your key.
05:51Hi. Yeah, I just got here.
05:53No, I'm meeting him later.
05:55Yeah, some of their guys are struggling with the maths.
05:59No, I'll download it for them. They'll be up to speed by the morning.
06:02OK, bye.
06:05Ah!
06:07You must be Charlie, who's calling for help on the radio.
06:11When did you get here?
06:13Just now.
06:14This is amazing. You look just like us.
06:17Some kind of suit, is it?
06:19What?
06:20Just act normal. This is a new guest.
06:23Yes, I know. This is Mr Atkinson.
06:25He's here for a business convention. His company makes...
06:28Oh, air compressors.
06:30Oh, right. Nice one.
06:33Come on, make yourself useful.
06:35Show Mr Atkinson to the mulberry. That's our best suite.
06:38Oh, thank you.
06:45That's the bed. It's for sleeping on.
06:47OK.
06:48And that's the telly.
06:50You see people on it, but they're not real.
06:52You don't say.
06:54Come on. Come on.
06:57And that's the bath.
06:59It's handy for washing and that.
07:01Do you wash?
07:02No. No, I just usually rub myself down with lots of sand.
07:05Really? That's amazing.
07:08This is the toilet.
07:10For number two, you sit.
07:12And that paper...
07:13OK. Thank you very much.
07:15I think you should probably go now, but thank you.
07:17Is that the supercomputer? Are you going to hook me up?
07:20No, I'm just going to get settled in,
07:22and then I'm going to go for a stroll, OK?
07:24So, later, then?
07:26Later.
07:32This is good, isn't it?
07:34Oh, the TV's fixed.
07:37Hey, we're watching that.
07:39Louis, that's a fruit tart. It can't watch TV.
07:42It can.
07:43No, it can't. It hasn't got eyes.
07:46You're horrible. We don't like you.
07:55That's exactly what I'm saying.
07:57It's a fruit tart.
07:59That's exactly what I'm saying.
08:01It's here. The alien's here.
08:03That's impossible. There's no way on our first attempt...
08:06I'm telling you.
08:08It's got a supercomputer and it knew all about us calling
08:11and it washes in sand.
08:13Outstanding.
08:15Where did you get all that?
08:18They left a window open at the retirement home.
08:20Some old people actually quite good at fighting.
08:24Even if an alien did hear us, why would it come?
08:28To help us?
08:29You seriously think that advanced beings
08:32would travel vast distances to help you dodge maths?
08:35Not me. All kids will be heroes.
08:39Not if they've come to take over the world.
08:43And I'm the one who brought it here.
08:45Humans will hate me.
08:47The thing is, the alien's really grumpy, so we'd better be nice to it.
08:59I don't know why he fixed the TV. He should have just got a new one.
09:02Oh, he didn't fix it. He broke it some more
09:04and then the satellite man fixed it at great expense.
09:07Not that you're bothered about money.
09:09Your lovely new jacket you love so much.
09:11I've just found it on the floor.
09:13I didn't drop it. I can't believe you just assume it was me.
09:17Hello.
09:19I've just been for a stroll.
09:21It's a nice little spot, this.
09:23Yeah, we're very fond of it.
09:25I think my colleagues would like it too.
09:27I've got the three coming down for the convention
09:29and I was wondering, do you think you might be able to squeeze them in?
09:32Be there four nights from tomorrow.
09:36Oh, yeah, yeah, we'd love to help, of course.
09:40Oh, excellent.
09:41And how about you? Do you need anything?
09:43No, no, I'm fine. I'm just going to have a little read of the paper.
09:46Perfect, yeah. Having a relax but still keeping an eye on things.
09:51Yeah.
09:55OK, I'll just see you later.
09:59Three for four nights. That's, that's, that's, that's enough to go to Vienna!
10:03We're going to Vienna, yes!
10:05Me and your dad are.
10:07What? You can't just go off on holiday and leave us.
10:10That's like mental cruelty.
10:12We'll get your Auntie Bee to stay.
10:14No way! She's super strict and she force-feeds me vegetables.
10:19What do you think? We're like cats and you can just run off and leave us?
10:22Anna, it's a long weekend and we need it.
10:29She'll get over it.
10:32Eventually.
10:35Vienna!
10:36We're going to Vienna, we're going to Vienna, we're going to Vienna!
10:41Vienna!
10:46It washes in sand, so we'll take it some. You know, make it feel at home.
10:50Good idea. If we can keep it happy, it mightn't kill us.
10:54They'll probably want a few humans for their zoo.
10:57It's not here to destroy the human race.
10:59Still, no harm keeping in its good books.
11:02Faster, girl, faster!
11:05What's taking so long?
11:07These kids, they've had no training. They're weak.
11:10Excuse me, I want to go now.
11:12Falling! Back in the line!
11:14Useless! Would have been faster doing it ourselves.
11:17I did actually say that.
11:21Perrin, better pull out!
11:23Just doing activities with them, like you should be!
11:31That's the lot. He's going to be dead chuffed when he wakes up.
11:35He looks just like an ordinary bloke.
11:37Course he does, he's wearing a human suit.
11:40He's waking.
11:42Have a nice rest, did you?
11:44What is it?
11:46Don't worry, you're on Earth, remember?
11:48I'm Ben, sir. I built the communicator.
11:51I just want you to know you can rely on me.
11:54What are you doing in my room?
11:56Just making it comfy. We'll put some nice sand in the bath.
11:59OK, out!
12:00We need to do the supercomputer link-up soon. We've got a maths test.
12:03Look, will you please get out of my room?
12:08Bye-bye. Thank you.
12:16I'll tell you why it won't help us, cos Ben's right.
12:19It must be here to take over the Earth.
12:21I knew it! And now we've made it angry.
12:23OK, so it's down to us.
12:25Ben brought it here.
12:27Don't say that! It wasn't my idea.
12:29So we need to stop it.
12:31I say we fight.
12:40Are you out of your mind?
12:42That thing that we thought was a supercomputer
12:44is probably some kind of deadly ray gun.
12:47I'll have to tell Mum and Dad.
12:49I can't leave them living with a dangerous alien.
12:52It's true.
12:55It's true. He's an alien.
12:57Quiet! Mr Atkinson is a very important guest.
13:00It's true. He's going to give Mum enough money to abandon us.
13:03And he's not happy about you going in his room.
13:06But he...
13:07Shh!
13:08But...
13:09Can I just ask one question one time?
13:11What?
13:12If he's not an alien, how come he asked me to put sand in his bath?
13:16What?!
13:18Oh, such a freak.
13:24I'm so sorry about this.
13:26That's OK.
13:27It's very nice of you to be so understanding.
13:29Is there anything I can get you? A cup of tea? A bun?
13:32No, I'm fine, thanks.
13:33If you think of anything, anything at all, don't hesitate.
13:38What are you doing here?
13:39Why are you being so nice to him? You're never nice to humans.
13:42I told you, Mr Atkinson is a very important guest.
13:45And why do you keep saying that?
13:47Why is he important? Why?
13:52What?
13:53Nothing. I'm just going to go to marry him.
13:55Good idea.
14:03Unbelievable, isn't it?
14:05Swanning off to Vienna, leaving her kids.
14:07I know, it must be illegal for people to leave their kids with a horrible aunt.
14:12What?
14:13It's worse than I thought. The alien's brainwashed Mum.
14:16I've got to go.
14:18Whatever's wrong with you, I think it's quite serious.
14:21I'm telling you, she's been running around like it's slave.
14:24Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me do this, let me do that.
14:27Hello? She's only being nice to him because she wants to go on a holiday.
14:31What?
14:33I've just remembered. I did notice something odd earlier.
14:37I heard her calling him Master.
14:39See? Why would she say that if she hadn't been brainwashed?
14:42So he really is an alien.
14:44Oh, Charlie, what are we going to do?
14:46We need some proof.
14:47So I was thinking, what if I got his disguise off?
14:49That's a really good idea.
15:17What do you think you're doing?
15:18Nothing. I just wanted to see what you looked like underneath.
15:21What's happening?
15:22Charlie!
15:23Did he just attack me?
15:24I didn't attack it. I was just trying to get his disguise off.
15:31Awfully sorry.
15:33Would you like a newspaper in the morning?
15:36No.
15:37OK.
15:43This is a dream.
15:49I just don't understand it.
15:51I tell you that Mr Atkinson is an important guest,
15:54and what do you do? You attack him.
15:57You're right, Mum. I'm sorry.
15:59Don't listen. She's been got at.
16:03If I have to listen to any more of this, I don't...
16:06You go up, love. Me and Charlie will straighten this out.
16:09Well, I hope so, because if not, we're going to have to do something drastic.
16:12Chain him to the bed.
16:14OK, Dad, we don't have long.
16:16It's Mum. She's been brainwashed.
16:18Charlie!
16:19You have to understand that Mr Atkinson is a very, very important guest.
16:25Oh.
16:26And if he likes it here, he's going to bring his friends. OK?
16:31Yeah. Thanks for explaining, Dad. I understand now.
16:35Excellent.
16:38Don't leave me hanging.
16:41There we go.
16:47Good chat with Charlie. I think I really got through to him.
16:50Well, I hope so, cos Mr Atkinson was really fed up.
16:54Yeah. Now, I think I've got a bit of a knack for it, you know.
16:57It's all about talking to the kid as if he's a normal person.
17:00I mean, what if he decides to leave in the morning?
17:03That's the end of Vienna.
17:04Listening. Listening is important.
17:06Right. So what did I just say?
17:11Something about jam.
17:13Mr Atkinson, we're going to have to go all out in the morning.
17:16Yes, yes, yes.
17:18Obviously, I've got that yoga class first thing,
17:20which I'm not going to go to.
17:22So, yes. Yes.
17:44Come to me, my precious.
17:57No!
18:02It's all right. We're safe now.
18:05It's just a bad dream.
18:14Sleep well?
18:19Look, I just wanted to say how sorry we are about last night.
18:24It's not the sort of thing you'd expect.
18:27I'm here on business. I need my sleep.
18:30Absolutely, absolutely.
18:32And I've had a long chat with Charlie and he feels just awful about it.
18:36Here we are.
18:38And muffins and the bread, all organic.
18:41From a bakery in Bridlington.
18:43I was up the crack of dawn getting them.
18:45Not that we mind. No, it's a pleasure.
18:47And all locally sourced here too.
18:50Yeah.
18:51The sausages even come with a little bio of the pig.
18:54It was called Horace.
18:58Mmm. Oh, it's so good.
19:00It's so good.
19:02Horace.
19:05Mmm. Oh, it's delicious.
19:08Horace must have been a well-adjusted pig.
19:13That is a zinger.
19:15We are so sorry about last night.
19:18Yeah, well, I'm doing it now, all right?
19:20We're very, very sorry.
19:22It's fine. These things happen.
19:24Oh, thank you so much.
19:26So, so kind.
19:28You are a kind man.
19:30I was going to leave this morning.
19:32I was going to find somewhere else for my colleagues to stay.
19:35But, well, it is a nice spot
19:38and this breakfast is exceptional.
19:43Thank you so much.
19:45You won't regret it.
19:47It's fine, really.
19:49Oh, sorry.
19:51Sorry. Enjoy.
19:53Sorry about everything.
19:56Mmm.
20:05Need anything else?
20:08No.
20:10Good.
20:16La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
20:18Doop-doop-doop-doop
20:20What's up with you?
20:22What's up with you?
20:24Mr Atkinson has decided to stay.
20:26Vienna's back on!
20:28So that's why you're celebrating?
20:30Because you're running away from your children
20:32and leaving them with someone who's mentally unstable?
20:34Yes! No, no, no.
20:36Your Auntie Bee is not mentally unstable.
20:38She makes me go to bed at nine.
20:40Call that normal? Do ya?
20:43All right. Oh, I forgot about this.
20:45Pear and ginger chutney.
20:47Bet Mr Atkinson would like some. Good idea.
20:49I've got some of my homemade marmalade here.
20:51Let's give him a choice.
20:55You see that? Dad's been brainwashed too.
20:58They're like slaves.
21:01It's good to keep the Master happy.
21:03Hannah?
21:04Charlie! It's taking over my mind. I can't get rid of it.
21:06Don't worry, Hannah. I'll save you.
21:08Save me?
21:10No. I'm happy with the Master.
21:12Very, very happy.
21:22So, let me get this straight.
21:24This helmet's to save us from the alien's mind control?
21:27Yeah, and it must be working,
21:29cos, look, I'm still normal.
21:31That's one point of view.
21:33So we've all got to wear them.
21:37This is ridiculous.
21:39Even if the alien is doing mind control,
21:41why would you think that tinfoil...
21:43If you don't put it on, we can't trust you.
21:45That's right. You could be taken over any second.
21:48You could be taken over already.
21:50Maybe that's why he doesn't want to put it on.
21:53Maybe he doesn't want to be separated from his alien master.
21:57OK, OK.
21:59See? I'm part of Team Earthling.
22:01So everyone's clear on the plan?
22:03Roger that.
22:09There's three of them.
22:11We've got to be part of a special force he's really got.
22:13Now, if you need any more cakes or tea,
22:16just let me know, won't you?
22:18Servant, if that's just making them tea and stuff,
22:21that's not so bad, is it?
22:24Death before surrender. Got it?
22:26I understand.
22:28OK, phase one.
22:30To neutralise the human puppets.
22:36KNOCK AT DOOR
22:38What?
22:40My jacket.
22:42You'd better not have.
22:59SCREAMS
23:04Everything OK?
23:06We heard a scream.
23:08Everything OK? We heard a scream.
23:10I think it was a seagull. Cupcake?
23:18What's going on?
23:20Charlie?
23:22What? No, no, we don't know the...
23:26Charlie?
23:28Charlie!
23:30If you mind, Steelwork, read this.
23:33You have been taken over by aliens.
23:36I will save you, but please put on the tinfoil hats.
23:43They must be the tinfoil hats.
23:46Not that that's relevant.
23:49Charlie, open this door now.
23:52I can't, not until you're all wearing the hats.
23:54I'm so going to get you for this.
23:57What are you doing?
23:59How are we getting on?
24:01What are you doing?
24:03You want to get out of here, don't you?
24:05You too, Mum, and Hannah.
24:07You're such a freak.
24:11This is not a good moment.
24:15Charlie, I'm being deadly serious now.
24:18Open this door.
24:20In a minute, I'm just going to go and get rid of the aliens.
24:22Charlie, no.
24:24We will stop your pocket money forever, forever.
24:26It's OK, Mum, you're not really you.
24:28You're an alien puppet.
24:30Now, I'm going to set the fire alarm off,
24:32but don't worry, there's no fire.
24:34Charlie, don't you dare.
24:36I'll come back and let you out once I've got rid of them.
24:40I'm so sorry, Mrs Enright.
24:42I'm sure we'll laugh about this over a cup of tea.
24:44Bed, bed, bed, bed, bed.
24:46Right, time for phase two.
24:48Get the aliens out of the house and away from their weapons.
24:51I'm getting quite upset now.
24:53Charlie!
24:55That's Master's police, we have to go!
24:58Chop, chop! It's a fire!
25:01Hurry up!
25:03Quick, chop, chop!
25:05Master, wait here.
25:07I'll save your weapons.
25:09No, I didn't mean to go back in.
25:17Don't worry, I'll save you.
25:25No!
25:41Mum!
25:43Definitely looks like this is their main weapon.
25:49Oi, aliens!
25:51Thought you'd zap the human race with this, did you?
25:54No, no, the prototype.
25:56Yeah!
25:58Stop it! Stop that!
26:00No, because guess what?
26:02You can't control me!
26:04Pete!
26:06You've got to stop, Pete!
26:08Go back to your own planet and leave us alone!
26:10Stop it!
26:12We did it, we saved humanity!
26:14Yeah!
26:20Oh, no.
26:24What?
26:31Dino Compress, Pinthorpe Industrial Estate.
26:35Leeds.
26:40But how could aliens go to Leeds and get...
26:46Oh.
26:48Charlie!
26:55Wrong!
26:57I think... I think something's gone a little bit wrong.
27:06How can this be right?
27:08You've been all the shopping for a month.
27:10And for what? For proving I'm loyal to humanity?
27:13What kind of lesson's that for a child?
27:15It's a travesty of justice.
27:24Yeah!