Frasier Season 6 Episode 13 The Show Where Woody Shows Up (1)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Doctor Crane, I don't see why I should fix a dumb dress and my sister can't even fit into it anymore.
00:06Audrey, you borrowed the dress, you tore it.
00:11As an old Greek haberdasher once said,
00:14Euripides, Eumenides.
00:21What?
00:23It's just a little joke on the ancient dramatist Euripides and the mythological Furies.
00:31Huh?
00:34Just fix the dress.
00:37We'll be back after the weather.
00:41Oh, Ross, Noel gave me this to give to you.
00:45Oh, God, Noel. He's been acting so weird lately.
00:50May I remind you, this is the man who is required by law to stay at least 100 yards away from William Shatner.
00:58No, I bumped into him at Nervosa about a month ago.
01:01There were no other free tables, so we sat together and ever since then he's been acting like we're some kind of couple.
01:07Oh, come on, Ross. I'm sure he knows that you're not interested in it.
01:10Happy monthiversary.
01:12Oh, Lord.
01:15Oh, we're on.
01:17And we're back. Let's get straight to the phones.
01:22I'm listening.
01:23Dr. Crane, it's Woody. I'm in Seattle and I'm a little lost.
01:28Well, Woody, in today's fast-paced, high-pressure society, that's not uncommon.
01:34Just why exactly do you feel lost?
01:37Well, I've been driving around for about an hour. I can't seem to get out of the airport.
01:41Oh, Woody, Woody.
01:45Oh, well, listeners, this is an old friend of mine from back in Boston.
01:51Well, how you doing there, you old cowpoke?
01:54I was doing okay, but all this talk about today's fast-paced, high-pressure world is starting to get me down.
02:01Well, I have just the cure for that. How about dinner?
02:05Sounds great. I'm in town.
02:07Just the cure for that. How about dinner?
02:09Sounds great. I'm in town all week.
02:12And I'm free all week. How's tonight?
02:14Oh, that'd be great. So I hear you're on the radio.
02:17Yes, I am, Woody, and so are you.
02:20Oh, no, no, no. I'm still tending bars. Cheers.
02:26How do these rumors get started?
02:29Believe it or not, listeners, Woody and I are picking up right where we left off.
02:38Knock, knock.
02:40Noel?
02:42Oh, I haven't seen that outfit before. Set your phasers on stunning.
02:51Listen, I need to talk to you. I cannot accept anniversary guests.
02:55Oh, I know that. I was just making a little joke.
02:58I know we're just friends. I saw this, and it made me think of you.
03:03Okay. Thanks. That's really sweet.
03:07Oh, if you're not going to open it for a while, you might want to move the ribbon.
03:11It's blocking the air holes.
03:21Here. I made you some lamb stew.
03:24I'm telling you, there's something weird about Eddie.
03:27Oh, for the love of God, not this again.
03:29You never should have taken him to those dog groomers.
03:32I had to bring him. His toenails were like Howard Hughes, and his breath smelled like an autopsy.
03:39Well, look at him. They did something to him. The sparkle's gone from his eyes.
03:44Yes, and so are those gooey green bits.
03:48Oh, that's probably Woody. I'll get it.
03:55Oh, Niles.
03:56Hello, Frasier. I know this is impromptu, but I'm going to an oboe recital, and I thought you might want to join me.
04:02Well, I'm sorry, Niles. An old friend of mine came in from out of town. I invited him to come over this evening.
04:08Well, have him join us. I'm sure we can get three seats together.
04:11Oh, well, I'm not sure an oboe recital's quite what I had in mind. I was thinking of something a little more raucous.
04:17Well, if it's raucous you're looking for, we could go and get a nightcap at the piano bar at the Mayflower Hotel.
04:23It's Jerome Kern Night.
04:27Last time people were shouting out requests without raising their hands.
04:34I'm afraid we'll have to pass. You see, my friend Woody's an old bar chum from back at Cheers,
04:41and what I had in mind was really more of a beer-swillin', back-slappin' kind of night, if you know what I mean.
04:47You're certainly welcome to join us if you like.
04:49That sounds interesting.
04:52Woody!
04:54Hey, Dr. Gray!
04:56Good to see you!
04:58You look great!
05:00Oh, thanks. Thanks, you too.
05:02Ah, this place is awesome!
05:05I'm not surprised you need all these roommates to help you pay for it.
05:10Well, they're not really roommates, Woody. They're more like boarders, actually.
05:17Oh, that's my father, Martin.
05:19Oh, hi!
05:21I remember hearing about you. You're a policeman, right?
05:24That's right.
05:25And that's my brother right there, Niles. He's a psychiatrist, too.
05:29Oh, wow!
05:30And this is Daphne Moon, my father's home health care worker.
05:34It's nice to meet you.
05:35Oh, hi. I like your accent. You're from England, right?
05:39Manchester.
05:41Darn! I'm usually pretty good at that.
05:44Oh, hey! Who's this little guy?
05:47I'm not sure I even know anymore.
05:49Oh, my dad's getting the same way.
05:54So, Woody, can I get you a beer?
05:56That's funny, huh?
05:58You know, all those years I was waiting on you, and now you're getting me a beer.
06:02Yes, well, life's like that sometimes, isn't it?
06:05Daphne, get us a couple of beers, will you?
06:07So, what brings you to Seattle, huh?
06:10Oh, my cousin's getting married.
06:12Really?
06:13Which is your cousin, the bride or the groom?
06:15Well, actually, both are.
06:22I assume they're kissing cousins.
06:24They're doing a lot more than that.
06:28That's why they have to get married.
06:31So, is Kelly with you?
06:33No, no, she's visiting her mom with the kids, but she sends her love.
06:39And how's the old gang?
06:41Oh, well, they haven't changed much.
06:43Sam's doing great, Carl's terrific.
06:46Oh, well, you know, we almost had a wedding.
06:49Mr. Claiborne got himself one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.
06:53Oh, really?
06:55Yeah.
06:57We almost had a wedding.
06:59Mr. Claiborne got himself one of those Eastern European mail-order brides.
07:03But they lived together for a couple of days and decided to call it off.
07:08Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry for Cliff.
07:11Yeah, she said she was homesick.
07:14That Bosnian must be a beautiful place.
07:21Here we are.
07:23Oh, thank you, Daphne.
07:25One for you, one for you, and one for me.
07:31Well, Woody, I thought that tonight we'd just maybe stay in, you know, order some pizza.
07:36Sounds good by me.
07:37Okay, great, I'll just call the place around the corner.
07:40Niles, you gonna join us?
07:42No.
07:43Why not?
07:44It'd be fun to drink some beer and have some pizza with a couple of wrapped scallions.
07:48Oh, hey, if you don't mind, can we make that half-wrapped scallions, half pepperoni?
07:56That wasn't the best prank we played.
08:00You remember that time with Mr. Claiborne?
08:03Oh, yes, and the ferret.
08:10He was about to go on his route, and we shoved an angry ferret into his mailbag.
08:16Oh, oh, exactly.
08:19How do you make a ferret angry?
08:21Oh, exactly.
08:23How do you make a ferret angry?
08:25Well, for starters, you shove him into a mailbag.
08:30God, that was funny.
08:32Do you remember the expression on his face?
08:35Oh, no, I never saw his expression.
08:38I was too busy looking at Mr. Claiborne.
08:42Oh.
08:50Let me get you another cold one.
08:52Oh, thanks.
08:53Oh, God, I tell you, this has just been the best evening, my God.
08:58It's like reliving all my old days at Cheers, only without Lilith.
09:02Boy, that's a tripped-up bountiful, let me tell you.
09:07Boy, these guys are really going through the beers, aren't they?
09:10Oh, yes.
09:11If this keeps up, you may have to fish out that emergency can you keep in the toilet tank.
09:17Here you are, Woods.
09:19Oh, well, you know what?
09:21On second thought, I think I'm going to pass.
09:24I'm feeling a little bit jet-lagged.
09:26Well, all right.
09:27You want to call it a night?
09:28You know, I probably should.
09:30But this was so much fun, I'd really like to do it again.
09:34All right, well, how about lunch tomorrow?
09:36Oh, yeah, that sounds great.
09:38Hey.
09:39Hey, goodbye, y'all.
09:40Nice to meet you.
09:41Oh, yeah, you too.
09:42Come back.
09:43You know what?
09:44What is this?
09:45A new gourmet Mexican restaurant over near your hotel.
09:47I'd love to try it.
09:48It's called Dos Burros.
09:50It sounds muy delicioso.
09:52Oh, I didn't know you speak Spanish.
09:54Oh, yeah.
09:55Well, I know that dos means two.
09:57What's burro mean?
09:58Oh, same as in English.
10:00Jackass.
10:02Sorry, just asking.
10:09Hey, guys, how was lunch?
10:12Oh, great.
10:13We told one old story, we told a hundred.
10:16Hey, how you doing, little guy?
10:19His name's Eddie.
10:21Oh, Eddie, good for you, Mr. Craig.
10:24They have good days and they have bad days.
10:27Well, here's that Seattle guidebook I was telling you about.
10:33Right here.
10:34Oh, thanks.
10:36Wow, look at that view.
10:39You can see the whole city.
10:41Uh-huh.
10:42When they turn around, it's even better.
10:48Gosh.
10:49Yeah, you're right.
10:50This is better.
10:51No, no, no.
10:53Oh!
10:54Hey, you mind if I go out there?
10:58No, no, you can't go out there.
11:00You can't go out there.
11:02Hey, you mind if I go out there?
11:05No, no, you go ahead.
11:07Hey, you remember that time we went out on the balcony in Melville's and threw pudding?
11:12I don't think I ever laughed harder in my entire life.
11:20Put a bullet in my head.
11:23What's going on?
11:24Oh, my God.
11:25I have absolutely nothing in common with this man except things that happened ten years ago.
11:32But I thought you had a fun time last night.
11:34Well, yes.
11:35We had exactly the same time this afternoon.
11:37It wasn't nearly as fun.
11:38The same stories and variations thereof.
11:42Being forced to laugh over and over.
11:46I swear, if I never get another shoulder ruby, I will die a happy man.
11:51Oh, don't feel bad.
11:53You've been a good friend, and you showed him a nice time,
11:56and now all that's left is for you to go in there and tell him goodbye.
12:00Yes, I guess when all this is over, I will have learned a very valuable lesson.
12:06Sometimes you can't have too much of a good thing.
12:10You've got to know when to say when.
12:13The past is just that, the past.
12:15You can never go home again.
12:17Less is more.
12:19I wish you would have started with that last one.
12:24Well, Woods, huh?
12:28It's been great seeing you.
12:31Oh, yeah, hey.
12:33Come on, give me a good hug.
12:38Now, you've got to promise me you're going to give my love to everybody back at the bar.
12:42Oh, I will.
12:43Okay.
12:44Oh, and give that beautiful wife of yours and those two kids a big kiss from Uncle Frazier.
12:49You got it.
12:50And don't be a stranger, okay?
12:52No, I won't, I won't.
12:58So, where are we going for dinner tonight?
13:10Niles.
13:11Oh, Frazier.
13:13Odd to see you without Woody in tow.
13:16The off-teasing ferrets.
13:18Niles, listen.
13:19I've been having such a great time with Woody.
13:22I was hoping, you know, maybe tonight you'd like to join us.
13:25We've planned to go out.
13:26You can say that Dad brought me up to speed on your reunion of the damned.
13:30Oh, God.
13:31I would love to help.
13:32I'm sorry you're on your own.
13:33No, no, no, please, Niles.
13:34Really, I'm desperate.
13:36Do you have any idea how difficult it is to feign interest in the same old stories over and over again?
13:41And you call yourself a psychiatrist?
13:43You wouldn't last a week in private practice.
13:45Oh.
13:47Speaking of which, my six o'clock is waiting.
13:49A triple espresso to go.
13:52Niles.
13:53Please, please, I need you.
13:55It's going to be an excruciating journey into the...
13:58Oh, Roz.
14:01Say, you know, are you up for a night of the town?
14:04This wouldn't be the invitation Niles just blew off, would it?
14:08Oh, all right.
14:09Here, please.
14:10My old friend Woody's dragging me out again tonight.
14:13I could really use a buffer.
14:15He's taking me to some god-awful karaoke bar.
14:19Are you going to sing?
14:20No.
14:21Okay, I'll go.
14:22Really, you will?
14:23I'll have a babysitter night.
14:24My plans fell through.
14:26Karaoke might be fun.
14:27Oh, Roz.
14:28Karaoke?
14:29Tonight?
14:30Oh, I'd love to.
14:31Well, Gil, I'm not sure you'd enjoy this.
14:33Oh, nonsense.
14:34If we go to the one on Pike, I keep a locker there where I store my own microphone and shoe jackets.
14:42Hey, guys.
14:43Hi, Roz.
14:44Oh, hi, Noel.
14:45I see you're at our table.
14:49Our table?
14:50Ooh, is there an office romance brewing?
14:53No, Gil, we're just friends.
14:55Right, Noel?
14:57So far.
15:00Well, who knows what the night has in store?
15:02We're all going for karaoke.
15:04Why don't you join us?
15:05Count me in.
15:07Is that my beeper?
15:08I didn't hear anything.
15:09Oh, my God.
15:10It's the babysitter.
15:11She only calls when there's an emergency.
15:12I have to go.
15:13Taxi!
15:14Roz, wait!
15:15Roz, wait!
15:19Well, looks like it's just us boys.
15:34Oh, that was beautiful.
15:36Yeah.
15:38You know, Niles, that was the first movie I ever took your mother to see.
15:42I deliberately picked a tearjerker so I'd be there to comfort her.
15:46And the first sniffle, I was on her like an octopus.
15:50You men.
15:52You always find a way to make us more vulnerable to your clumsy advances.
15:58Ooh, that wine went straight to my head.
16:02Let's just kill off the bottle, shall we?
16:10Hey, Fresh.
16:13Turn off the music.
16:14Oh, well, we were just...
16:16Yeah.
16:17I never want to hear music again.
16:22Oh, I take it you had a whiz-bang time at the karaoke bar?
16:28For starters, Woody sang, What Kind of Fool Am I?
16:36Quickly turned into an audience participation number.
16:42Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet of
16:49Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better.
16:53They were both wrong.
17:01I guess the highlight of the evening was when Gil,
17:05after one too many Kia Royales,
17:10performed a haunting rendition of I Feel Pretty,
17:18during the latter verses of which Noel joined him on the apron of the stage
17:22and translated into Klingon.
17:34Well, I think I'm just going to go off to bed
17:37so I can get up bright and early for my harbor cruise with Woody tomorrow.
17:40What? You're seeing him again?
17:42Why don't you just tell the guy you're busy for?
17:45Dad, he knows that I'm not.
17:49Besides, I'd hate to hurt his feelings.
17:53I'd hate to have him think that I've outgrown him.
17:56But you have.
17:57Well, that's the problem.
17:59I've moved on to bigger and better things in my life.
18:01He's still pouring drinks back at the same bar he's been at for the last 15 years.
18:07Don't you think that's kind of sad?
18:09If I were you, I'd just lie to him.
18:11Tell him you have to work or you met a pretty girl.
18:14Who's that pretty girl in the mirror there?
18:17What mirror where?
18:18Who could that attractive girl be?
18:21Which what where?
18:22Who? Who?
18:24Daphne.
18:25Who? Daphne.
18:26Daphne!
18:30Bedtime.
18:31I used to be with the Light Opera Works.
18:34Yes, fine, and I used to be a fan dancer.
18:37Get out.
18:38Go to bed.
18:42She seems a little wobbly. Perhaps I should...
18:44Yes.
18:54Oh, surprise, guess who?
18:57Dear God, I just left him.
19:01What moonlit fairy picking expedition does he have planned for me now?
19:08I can't take this anymore.
19:10All right, all right, fine, I'm just going to have to lie to him.
19:16Woody.
19:17Hey, Dr. Crane.
19:18Hey, everybody.
19:19Hey.
19:20Listen, when I got back to my hotel, I called Kelly to say goodnight.
19:25And it turns out our little girl has an ear infection.
19:29So I'm taking the red eye right now, and my cab is waiting for me downstairs.
19:34Oh, well, Woody, I guess this means goodbye then.
19:38Yeah, I'm afraid so.
19:39All right, give me a hug, all right.
19:42You remember to give my love to the folks back at Cheers.
19:45Oh, will do.
19:46Okay, and I hope that little girl of yours gets better real soon.
19:49Thank you, it was great spending time with you.
19:51It was great seeing you too, Woody.
19:53Yeah.
19:54It's a shame we have to cut it short, huh?
19:56It sure is.
19:57Well, goodbye.
19:58Have a good trip.
19:59Take care.
20:00All right.
20:01Goodnight, Woody.
20:07God bless the virus that invaded that little girl's ear canal.
20:11Congratulations, I'll be off.
20:24Oh, no, no.
20:25Niles, I tell you what, to celebrate my newfound freedom,
20:28why don't we go over to that little cantina I mentioned to you earlier,
20:31and I'll buy you a late supper.
20:32We'll have a margarita.
20:34Oh, thank you, Frasier.
20:36You know, and after that, we'll go by that pricey new cigar club.
20:39It's my treat.
20:40Well, hey, big spender.
20:46Is everything all right?
20:50The last time I heard that phrase,
20:53Guild was belting it out while sitting on the lap of a Japanese businessman.
21:02Let's get that margarita.
21:10I think you're going to like this place.
21:12Well, I do already.
21:13NMB.
21:15NMB?
21:16No mariachi band.
21:23Oh, dear God.
21:24Quick, hide your face with your menu.
21:25What?
21:26Woody's over there.
21:28If he sees us, he'll know I lied.
21:30Why did you lie?
21:31I told him I was going out of town.
21:33No, you didn't.
21:34He told you he was going out of town.
21:37That's right.
21:39He lied.
21:40He should be hiding.
21:42Woody?
21:43Woody?
21:52For God's sake.
21:54Stay here.
22:04Woody, come out of there, please.
22:07No hablo ingles?
22:13I don't understand this.
22:15It means I don't speak English.
22:19Did you just come out here?
22:23Woody, what is going on?
22:27I can't even look at you.
22:29I'm so ashamed I lied to you, Dr. Crane.
22:32Why did you do that?
22:34Well, I guess I didn't want you to know it was me in the bathroom.
22:41Nobody.
22:43Earlier this evening, you told me that you were going back to Boston.
22:48Oh, well...
22:51I feel terrible saying this, but...
22:54I just couldn't face another day of us hanging out together.
22:59What, you weren't enjoying our time together?
23:02Oh, I had a great time that first night, but after that, I don't know.
23:08You were still having a good time, but it was less and less fun for me.
23:15Oh, this is too funny.
23:22See, you're still having a good time, and I'm miserable.
23:27Why didn't you say something?
23:29Well, I don't know. I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
23:33To tell you the truth, I was...
23:36I felt kind of bad for you.
23:39You felt bad for me?
23:41No offense, but look at your life.
23:44You live with your dad, you hang out with your brother, you...
23:51You have no plans, and...
23:54Let's face it, those karaoke friends of yours,
23:57I wouldn't want to be stranded on a desert island with them.
24:01Oh, well...
24:03Maybe that English guy, he's a good entertainer.
24:08Woody, Woody, there's nothing to worry about.
24:12I know my life may seem rather dreary to you, but it's really quite enjoyable.
24:18In fact, it's even a lot of fun.
24:22I love my life now, honestly.
24:25You know what, I wouldn't trade my years at Cheers for anything,
24:29but I am very happy with my life the way it is today.
24:34You mean it?
24:35Yes.
24:37It makes this conversation so ironic, you see.
24:40You see my life as some sort of middle-aged compromise,
24:44and, well, just the other day I was thinking about your life.
24:49And all I could think was...
24:52What?
24:57How lucky you are.
25:00You see, you've found where you belong, and you've made your home there.
25:04I guess for some of us it just takes longer than others.
25:11I just stopped in for a beer.
25:13Well, you know what, Niles will be on the phone for a couple more minutes.
25:16Why don't we just have one last drink together, huh?
25:19Well, that'd be nice.
25:20Okay. Barkeep, a couple of beers here, please.
25:27I meant what I said about...
25:30I had a great time hanging out with you that first night.
25:34Yeah.
25:36Maybe we could do it again in five or ten years.
25:40Absolutely. Ten years it is.
25:46Cheers.
25:49Cheers.
26:00Scrambled eggs.
26:02Mercy.
26:04And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:07Well, maybe.
26:08But I got you pegged.
26:13But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:20They're calling again.
26:23Thank you!