Frasier Season 7 Episode 3 Radio Wars
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00:00Hello? Dr. Crane? Yes, who is this? Dr. Coffman. Bob Coffman of the National Psychotherapy
00:24Institute. Oh my gosh, it's 6.15 in the morning your time. I hope I didn't wake you. No, no,
00:32no, I was up. Where did you say you're calling from? The National Psychotherapy Institute
00:41in Saddle River, New Jersey. Oh, yes, of course. What can I do for you? Oh, for Pete's sake,
00:50no one called you? You've won our Radiotherapist of the Year Award. Congratulations. Well,
01:02thank you. Of course, the work itself is honor enough. Thank you, and I'm sorry about the
01:09mix-up. Problem is, we're going to need some pictures of you so we can get started on the
01:14statue. Statue? For our Hall of Thinkers? Angie, he never got the packet. Is there anything I can
01:29do? Well, it's a little late now, but maybe if you describe your body, we could get started on
01:35the preliminary carving. The sculptor's right here. Fortunately, we got the Gustav Brumholtz.
01:42Oh, my. Dr. Crane, please, yeah? Yes, yes, this is Dr. Crane speaking. Herr Brumholtz,
01:51may I say, it's quite an honor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have your face, very handsome, but I need you
01:58to describe your body. Yes, of course. Six foot one, medium build, broad shoulders, sublimely
02:10proportioned. Yeah, that's good, yeah. But before I order my marble, I need you to describe your,
02:17um, how do I say this, yeah? Your, where you sit, yeah? Oh, my posterior, yes. Well, that is a little
02:25sensitive, isn't it? Oh, you don't want to tell me? I understand it's a big one. No, no, no, no, I didn't say that.
02:33And he orders a big marble, please. No, no, could you please put Dr. Kaufman back on? No, I have a better idea.
02:42Why don't you send us a picture of your immense time quarters and send it to the KACL's new morning team?
02:51Carlos and the Chicken!
03:03Dr. Kaufman?
03:07Angie?
03:08Good morning.
03:20Morning. Good morning, Dr. Crane. I can't believe what just happened to me. I'm the victim of a radio prank.
03:27Oh, that's terrible. Yes. It's a sad day when getting a man to describe his own behind passes as humour.
03:38You heard the whole thing, didn't you? Yeah. Oh.
03:45I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, but they can't be funny. Oh, that's all right, Daphne.
03:50Carlos and the Chicken are the sort of performers that keep popping up on the radio these days.
03:55So-called humorists who rely on cruel pranks and scatological references. Well, you know, I suppose that's the sort of thing
04:04that passes for entertainment these days. You know, perhaps it's just a generational thing.
04:08Man, they got you good!
04:13The Chicken was on fire! What a great bit! Yeah, I think it'll be a bit of the day.
04:19For God's sakes, I'm going back to bed. Oh, hey, hey, Bridge, wait a minute. Do you think you can get me a tape of the show?
04:24What on earth for? Well, how often do you get to hear yourself on the radio?
04:34I'm on the radio every day!
04:45Thank you very much. So, Roz, I suppose you heard about my unscheduled appearance on KACL's new morning show today?
04:53No, what happened? Well, the less said about it, the better.
04:57Come on, Frasier, why don't you pull up a couple of chairs and tell me about it?
05:05Is everyone in Seattle listening at six in the morning? They do it at six? I heard the replay at eight.
05:11I heard it at 9.15.
05:15Congratulations, you were a bit of the day. Oh, I thought the entire thing was rude and childish.
05:22Well, you're just mad because you fell for it. Come on, Frasier, hall of thinkers.
05:28Well, it's not such a bad idea in a society where we glorify our athletes and rock musicians. Maybe we should...
05:37Well, it was early, so...
05:40Oh, hey, look, that's them over there with Kenny. Wow, the chicken's a lot cuter than on his billboards.
05:47Of course, he's not squatting in a feather suit trying to hatch Carlos's head.
05:53You know, I think I might just go over there and introduce myself.
05:56I don't know what you're thinking, but don't.
05:58I'm just going to go over there and let them know that what they did today was completely unacceptable.
06:03Frasier, I know guys like this. Once they know they can rattle you, they never stop. Just take your lumps and laugh it off.
06:10Well, I'm certainly capable of laughing it off. I just want to let them know that I do not appreciate being made the punchline at my own station.
06:18I'm going to go over there and tell them that from now on I don't want to be part of their shenanigans.
06:23Oh, God, please don't say shenanigans.
06:31Hello, Kenny.
06:34I believe introductions are in order.
06:36Oh, right. Dr. Frasier Crane, this is the chicken and Carlos.
06:40Uh, uh...
06:41What?
06:42We're actually called Carlos and the chicken.
06:45Yes, well, nice to meet you, boys. About this morning...
06:50Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want to see any feathers flying here.
06:56Just kidding.
06:57Dr. Crane, I hope we didn't go too far. We love your show.
07:01Really?
07:03You're listeners?
07:04Oh, yeah, yeah. We're big fans. And, you know, the last thing we want to do is step on your toes.
07:09Well, you know, you do tread a fine line with your style of comedy, but, uh...
07:14Perhaps you can be excused for stomping on it rather exuberantly on your first day.
07:19Just keep in mind in the future that this station doesn't have a certain pecking order.
07:26We totally get it, Dr. Crane. It felt wrong when we did it.
07:30Oh, well.
07:32You sure did. You sure you're not upset or anything?
07:34Oh, no, no, no. No harm, no foul.
07:39Hey, it was great meeting you, Dr. Crane.
07:40Likewise, boys. All right. Hey, listen. Call me Frasier.
07:43All right.
07:44But don't call me at home.
07:47Dr. Crane, we're listening.
07:55Is it over? I couldn't look.
07:57For God's sake, Roth, have a little faith in me. After all, I do reason with people for a living.
08:03It's all settled.
08:07They're good kids, really.
08:10Quite sensible, actually.
08:13Yeah. You go for oversexed, beer-belching frat boy types, which I do.
08:18Was the chicken wearing a wedding ring?
08:22You know, I really did overreact this morning, I think.
08:25After all, it was sort of cute, I suppose.
08:30All of thinkers.
08:33Never let it be said that Frasier Crane is the kind of man who's incapable of laughing at himself.
08:38These are for you.
08:39Oh, yes, I see. Some patron has sent me some sticky buns.
08:47That's very funny. Very funny indeed.
08:50You ordered those, sir.
08:52Oh, so I did.
09:02No kidding. He's flying you to Vegas for the fight?
09:08That's a great son you got there, Duke.
09:14Good morning, Dr. Crane.
09:15Hello, Daphne. Dad.
09:17Frasier, I thought you might like to join me. I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans re-seasoned.
09:25That's a lot to ask, but I've just drawn myself a nice herbal bath.
09:30Oh, no, no, it's just Daphne. She's watching PBS.
09:40Okay, I'll talk to you later, Duke.
09:43Does the whole world have to know what goes on in this house?
09:47Help yourself to some coffee, Niles.
09:51Dr. Crane, how do you know it's time to have your crepe pans seasoned anyway?
09:55It can be confusing, but this may help.
09:59Saucepans in summer, crepe pans in fall. When winter's upon us, there's food for us all.
10:10Whoever it is, I am not home. I am not here.
10:17Hello?
10:18Is Dr. Crane in?
10:19No, actually, he's taking a bath.
10:21Who's this?
10:22This is his brother, Niles.
10:24Oh, oh, okay. Well, see, this is the building superintendent.
10:28I'm in the bathroom just below his, and I think the pipes are getting corroded.
10:33Is your brother putting anything unusual in his bath?
10:38I'm not exactly sure what he puts in his bath. Better let me ask him.
10:47I smell a bit!
10:49Put the radio on.
10:55I'm in the mood for love.
11:00Frazier?
11:01Simply because you're near me.
11:03Frazier?
11:05What do you put in your bath water?
11:07You know very well it's a proprietary blend, Niles.
11:10No, no, no. It's your super. There's something corroding the pipes in the unit below you.
11:14He thinks it may be something in your tub.
11:17Hello, yes, I'm sure it's not my fault, but if you insist, I use...
11:24Jasmine, lavender, rose hips, and a little Tahitian vanilla.
11:32Yeah, well, that sounds okay.
11:34Boy, with a bath like that, I bet the ladies show go for you, though, huh?
11:38Yes, well, love does enter through the nose.
11:47Hey, you know, the neighbors down here have been complaining about a little sound bleed-through.
11:51I think we got a bad tile, and I sure would like to check it.
11:55I heard you singing through the phone earlier.
11:58You think you could, I don't know, do it again?
12:01Uh, all right.
12:04I'm in the mood for love.
12:08Simply because you're near me.
12:12Yeah, that's great. I definitely heard some bleed-through.
12:15You know, I could isolate the tile.
12:17If you could just walk around a little bit while you sang.
12:21Or maybe, you know, if you could stomp around, that'd be great.
12:24Stomp around?
12:26Yeah, look, if there's too much trouble, I could send my assistant Jimmy up there to stomp around.
12:29Oh, Lord, no, no, no, no, please. That's just fine.
12:32You leave Jimmy right where he is. I certainly don't need an audience while I'm singing in the bathtub.
12:37Yeah, well, I appreciate this. You know, we'll get this all cleared up in a jiffy, okay?
12:41Thanks a lot, Dr. Crane.
12:43Just give me a second. I'll tell you when I'm ready.
12:46All right. I'm ready.
12:49Here goes.
12:51I'm in the mood for love.
12:57Simply because you're near me.
13:02Funny, but...
13:04When you're near me,
13:07I'm in the mood for love.
13:12Oh, my God. The whole ceiling's falling down.
13:15Oh, good Lord. Oh, good Lord.
13:18Dr. Crane, be careful. The whole ceiling's caving in.
13:22Hey, listen, I think we found out what the problem is.
13:25It's that humongous ass of yours.
13:31Listeners, Carlos and the Chicken are offering $1,000 for the best picture of Frasier Crane's humongous ass for our website.
13:39Frasier Crane's Humongous Ass Contest
13:48Frasier Crane's Humongous Ass Contest
13:54Oh, dear God.
13:56No, no.
13:57Don't worry. It won't get you down for long.
13:59You've always had a thick skin.
14:01Unless that Tahitian vanilla softens you up a bit.
14:04Get out!
14:16Leave me alone! For God's sake, have some respect!
14:20Is that Mrs. Kurtzman?
14:27She dropped her medication in the hallway.
14:29As I stooped to pick it up, out came her camera like an assassin's blade.
14:36Well, if she wants to control those blood clots, she'll cough up that film.
14:41You're really getting riled up.
14:50I certainly am.
14:52Well, come on. They're just pranks, you know.
14:55Back in the force, we used to do stuff like this all the time.
14:58We'd fill a guy's hat with shaving cream or nail his shoes to the floor.
15:03Sometimes we'd get a guy dead drunk and then leave him in a drawer in the morgue.
15:12You know, Dan, I might have been able to laugh it off
15:15if all of Seattle hadn't started stalking me with cameras.
15:22Quickly, Niles. Inside. Come on.
15:27Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting?
15:30That was you. I'm sorry, Niles.
15:32I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt.
15:35How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.
15:41I'm talking about Carlos and the chicken.
15:44Oh, yes. The little contest.
15:46I can't believe anyone's taking that seriously.
15:48Well, it won't be for much longer.
15:50I've decided it's time to fight back.
15:53It was up to all hours last night crafting my response to those two idiots.
15:58I believe I have arrived at my destination.
16:01Those two idiots.
16:03I believe I have arrived at a masterful rebuttal.
16:06I'm not sure you want to call it your rebuttal.
16:12Oh. I see your Bartlett's is out.
16:15You're not pulling any punches.
16:16Hardly. I go out swinging with La Rochefoucauld.
16:19If we had no faults of our own,
16:22we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others.
16:26Ouch!
16:31Just as I've got them reeling, I go in with a jab of Dorothy Parker.
16:35Wit as truth in it.
16:37Wisecracking is merely calisthenics with words.
16:41Pow!
16:43Just as they're bloodied and against the ropes,
16:46I go in for the kill with Twain.
16:48Wild. Twain. Twain. Mencken.
16:51It's not a fight. It's an execution.
16:56You know, Frasier, you go and read that on the air.
16:59You're going to set yourself up for a year of abuse.
17:02You know, this kind of thing is probably
17:04why those guys started picking on you in the first place.
17:06All right. Fine, Dad.
17:07What exactly are you saying?
17:08That I somehow managed to bring all this misery on myself?
17:11No, I'm not saying that. I'm just...
17:14Well, have you ever wondered
17:16why these bullies have always kind of zeroed in on you two?
17:20No, we don't wonder why. We know the reason.
17:22Jealousy.
17:26Okay. There's a little bit of that, too.
17:28But, you know, you kind of give people the impression
17:31that you're above them.
17:33Pish-tosh.
17:34Poppycock.
17:37Morning, Daphne.
17:38Oh, Daphne, tell me,
17:39do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?
17:42That's it. I'm getting me jaw soundproofed.
17:47See what I mean?
17:48People think you're stuffy.
17:51You know, with your opera parties
17:53and your wine parties
17:55and your seasoned crepe pans.
17:57In my defense,
17:59Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crepe pans.
18:02Which is precisely why I've had the same set
18:05since the ninth grade, thank you very much.
18:10Look, my point is,
18:11you guys could never resist putting on airs.
18:14Even when you were in junior high,
18:16you used to love that TV program,
18:18the Avengers.
18:20Used to run all over the neighborhood
18:22pretending you were that guy with the umbrella.
18:25Steve.
18:26Steed.
18:27Oh, you know,
18:29there were worse role models.
18:31And Steed was dapper and witty.
18:33When anyone tried to give him grief,
18:35he gave them a sound thrashing with his umbrella.
18:37Well, great, that's fine.
18:39Admire him if you want.
18:40But did you have to run through the neighborhood
18:42in bowler hats?
18:44I mean, you were just begging to get beat up.
18:47Come to think of it,
18:48it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?
18:51I remember getting a chin strap
18:53so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.
18:59And all that did was make you look like
19:01Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet.
19:06But what?
19:07My point is,
19:09you go down to the station
19:10and read that over the air,
19:12then you might as well go down there
19:14in a great big bowler hat.
19:16I mean, those people are never gonna let you forget it.
19:19You know, it's funny hearing you talk about the Avengers.
19:22My first Halloween in America,
19:24I went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel,
19:27head to toe in that skin-tight black leather catsuit.
19:31Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere.
19:34And Halloween's coming up.
19:36Oh, catsuit.
19:37Better not let this guy hear you talk about that.
19:39He'll go nuts.
19:40I would not.
19:49I'd be surprised if he did.
19:56Excuse me.
19:59Hello?
20:01All right, Ross, yes, just calm down.
20:03No, no, I'm not listening.
20:05Hang on a second.
20:06Ross.
20:09Oh, dear God.
20:12I think we're gonna have to throw a bucket of water on these two.
20:16Ross, I'm sorry to stop by for a quick hello.
20:18Let's see, you know, they're getting it all right in the booth.
20:23Ross.
20:24Frasier.
20:25Ross.
20:26Frasier.
20:28Do we have time to squeeze in one more?
20:32Plenty of time, Frasier.
20:34Two more minutes.
20:36You know, for a man carrying around a good 50 extra pounds of ass,
20:40Frasier Creighton's got unbelievable stamina.
20:43Frasier, where do you get your energy?
20:45Lavender, rose hips, and a little Tahitian vanilla.
20:50Oh, my God.
20:51They're changing positions.
20:52I've never seen that one before.
20:55Love does enter through the nose.
21:04I'll call you back, Ross.
21:07I'm going down there.
21:08Frasier.
21:09Dad, don't try to talk me out of this.
21:11I'm gonna teach those two a lesson they'll not soon forget.
21:13Where's my umbrella?
21:14Oh, no, not that again.
21:17Not the umbrella, I'm begging you.
21:19It's raining.
21:21No, no, stop it.
21:29Ross, what are you doing here?
21:30I'm getting revenge, that's what.
21:32These guys are going down.
21:34Stop it, stop it, Ross.
21:36Did you hear the disgusting, vile things they said about me?
21:39Just the part about us having sex?
21:40Exactly.
21:42Don't leave that.
21:43They've got a photo contest about me now, too.
21:46Ross, $1,000 for a shot of your behind?
21:49I'm sorry.
21:50No, it's 50 bucks and a six-pack.
21:53And there were seven winners before I even left the house.
21:57I'm sorry.
21:58Frasier, what should we do?
21:59Can we slash their tires?
22:00Can we crack their windshield?
22:02No, I was thinking of a more direct approach, Ross.
22:04Oh, I'm down with that, too.
22:06Next commercial, I'll get the chicken, you take the big guy.
22:08No, no, no, that's not it.
22:09You know it, right?
22:10I knew you'd say that.
22:11Fine, I'll take the big guy.
22:12No, no, no, stop it.
22:14Listen to yourself.
22:16You're lusting for blood like a barbarian.
22:19I have a more civilized approach in mind.
22:22I have composed a speech.
22:28A speech?
22:29Yes.
22:30Well, unless you plan to roll it up and cram it down their throats,
22:33what good is that going to do?
22:35You just watch and see.
22:36No, Frasier, they're never going to stop making fun of you.
22:40Ross, I don't care.
22:41I've just figured out something.
22:43You know, maybe you can't stop bullies from attacking you,
22:46but the only way they win is if they change who you are,
22:49and I'll tell you something, let them do their work,
22:51they will not knock the bowler off of this head.
22:57What does that mean?
23:00Holy cow, look who just walked into the booth.
23:03Frasier Crane, the automatic sex pilot.
23:06What's up, love doctor?
23:08Oh, I think you two know what's up.
23:10There's only so much I can take,
23:12only so much anyone can take from a juvenile comic and his straight man.
23:17I believe it was LaRose Foucault who first said...
23:19Can I tell you something?
23:20I'll take my straight man over your sex-style producer any day, my friend.
23:24Okay, buddy!
23:28Hey, hey, wait a second.
23:30I'm not your straight man.
23:31If anything, I'm the funny one.
23:33All right, dear, let's not start with this again, okay?
23:35You're the one who just started it, on the air.
23:37It was LaRose Foucault who first said...
23:39You know, you know you always do this.
23:42Hey, Carlos, the therapist said not to use the word always.
23:46I just wish that you could say that I'm as funny as you are.
23:48Yeah, well, I wish I could say that too, but who does all the funny voices?
23:52LaRose Foucault once said...
23:53If I'm so unfunny, how come I get offered solo gigs?
23:57Oh, well, now I'm laughing, aha!
24:00You don't believe me? Ask our agent.
24:02Talk to Zachary behind my back.
24:04Now, gentlemen, if I could get a word in here...
24:05Hey, hang on, man. You think you can go out on your own?
24:08Go ahead, be my guest.
24:10Great, because I don't need you, and I don't need Carlos and the chicken.
24:15Oh, really? Well, best of luck, funny boy.
24:17Same to you, Dwayne.
24:20Hey, man, that is not cool.
24:23Chicken, I believe it was LaRose Foucault, the great French thinker.
24:27Would you give it a rest, double wide?
24:29I went to grad school, too, and P.S., it's pronounced LaRose Foucault.
24:34That's it! Nobody corrects my French pronunciation, you son of a chicken!
24:40Chicken!
24:42God, did you have to be so vicious?
24:45Me?
24:46Oh, we got dead air. Just take over!
24:48Right, right.
24:50Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Fraser Crane.
24:53I'll be filling in for the last hour of the morning zoo.
24:59With my own particular brand of zany antics.
25:06Well, let's see.
25:09You know, there was a fabulous cartoon in the recent New Yorker.
25:16Let me see if I can describe it for you.
25:19Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
25:23Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:27Mercy
25:29And maybe I seem a bit confused
25:33Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged
25:36Ha, ha, ha, ha
25:39But I don't know what to do
25:41With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:45With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:51They're callin' again
25:54Scrambled eggs all over my face
25:58What is the boy to do?
26:03Good night!