Frasier Season 6 Episode 19 IQ
Frasier Season 6 Episode 19 IQ
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00:00Good evening, Frazier. Everybody ready?
00:03Just about.
00:04Ooh, new cufflinks. Those are very smart.
00:07Oh, yeah.
00:08Silver? You've seen these before, haven't you?
00:10I always wear them with a tux.
00:11Oh, of course you do.
00:12Well, still, nothing catches the eye like a sharp pair of cufflinks.
00:19Those are very nice, too.
00:21Gold.
00:22Yes. Well, I knew you'd be wearing silver. I didn't want us to look alike.
00:25No.
00:28Hello.
00:29Oh, hi, Ross. Come on in.
00:31Sorry I'm late.
00:32Oh, well, that's all right.
00:33Hey, Ross. Daphne, thank you so much for watching Alice.
00:37She's way overdue for a nap. Maybe I can get her to sleep.
00:40Oh, great. All right. Well, set her up in my room.
00:42You know, we don't want to be late for that silent auction.
00:44You know, I can't believe that you donated another day
00:47behind the scenes of the Frazier Crane Show this year.
00:50Well, why not, Ross? It's for a good cause.
00:52The Kellyanne Grant Foundation does excellent work.
00:55Well, you were trapped in my booth with that mouth breather for three hours last year.
01:00Well, he wasn't that bad. Some sort of an engineer, wasn't he?
01:03He wasn't a dental hygienist, that's for sure.
01:08Daphne, can you help me with these cufflinks?
01:11Oh, all right.
01:12Um, what is this, Daphne?
01:14I'm chatting online with Donnie.
01:16Oh, what's he saying?
01:18Uh...
01:19I can't wait to come home and see my...
01:22wittle English...quumpet.
01:27Apparently he has some sort of typing impediment.
01:31I don't want him to think I've abandoned him.
01:33Would you mind taking over?
01:35Tell him I miss him, too.
01:37All right.
01:40I'm counting the days till he comes home.
01:44And there's no one I love more than my fuzzy wuzzy...
01:48Goodbye.
01:52I'm sorry. I seem to have lost him.
01:55Maybe I can get him back.
01:58Well, there we are. Alice is all squared away. She went right to sleep.
02:02Shall we?
02:03Have a good time. Don't spend too much.
02:05Oh, don't worry about that.
02:07I've got a whole system worked out where I can get anything I want for the minimum bid.
02:12That's hearty. In keeping with the spirit of the evening, we're raising money for the Kellyanne Grunter Foundation.
02:17Oh, baloney. You just want to go there so you can hobnob with all your snooty friends.
02:21Oh, that is not true.
02:22Oh, yeah? Well, then answer me one question.
02:25Just who is Kellyanne Grunter?
02:27Kellyanne Grunter is the person...
02:31responsible for the Kellyanne Grunter Foundation.
02:35Well, what does that mean?
02:36Well, I guess she's just a very wealthy person that put up a lot of money, right?
02:40I thought she had some kind of disease.
02:42I always thought she was a scientist doing research.
02:44So, in other words, it could have been called the Eddie Eddieman Foundation
02:48as long as there was fancy food on silver platters.
03:01Is there anything exciting to bid on?
03:03Well, no. It's mostly the same items as last year.
03:07Day of Beauty with internationally known stylist Raphael.
03:10Yes, you see, Missy Cromwell put down for that.
03:12Well, can you blame her? Her last day of beauty was during the Johnson administration.
03:20Mr. Knowles, this is rather interesting.
03:22The Laureate Luncheon.
03:25Break bread with three Nobel Prize winners.
03:28Doctors Alan Zafran, Jane Randall, and Terence Quinn.
03:34Oh, my.
03:36It's an opportunity to meet with three of the greatest thinkers of our time.
03:40I'm amazed they even got them all in the same room together.
03:42You know, Zafran's a legendary recluse.
03:44Yes, well, he'll be at Fiddlesticks tomorrow at noon.
03:48Good luck to you, Knowles.
03:50You know, they say Quinn is quite witty.
03:53In nuclear physics circles, he's referred to as the half-life of the party.
03:59Well, what do we have at this table?
04:02Ooh, the Windsor Monarch 2000, huh?
04:06Oh, isn't this the one they had to recall because the propane tanks kept exploding?
04:12He did?
04:13Yeah, sure feel sorry for this guy, Martin Crane.
04:17Better give himself an apron that says, kiss the chef goodbye.
04:29Are you bidding on this one, too?
04:31No, no, I'm Roz Doyle, Fraser Crane's producer.
04:34If you win this, you'll be spending the afternoon with me.
04:37Well, I hope I do.
04:39I'm a big fan of the show.
04:41Oh.
04:43Hello there.
04:47Hi, Knowle.
04:49What are you doing here?
04:50I came to bid on my favorite auction item.
04:53I should warn you, Lady Luck is on my side tonight.
04:56The last guy who rented this tux left a perfectly good comb in the pocket.
05:03May I?
05:04Oh, gosh.
05:05Oh, there's no pen. I'm sorry, Knowle.
05:07No problemo.
05:10I wear one around my neck.
05:16Oh, damn.
05:18Hmm? What is it?
05:19Looks like I have some competition for this luncheon,
05:22and Alistair Mowbray doubled my bid to $500.
05:28I've heard that name before.
05:30Yes, you know, it sounds familiar to me, too.
05:33Wait a minute, isn't he that young, ruthless software tycoon?
05:37Oh, yeah.
05:38Great.
05:39Well, there's no use competing against those deep pockets,
05:41but you know, Knowles, this vase here deserves a second look.
05:44Wait a minute.
05:46Mowbray?
05:47Wasn't that the nom de plume you used in prep school for your society column?
05:55What a remarkable coincidence.
05:57Oh, pa.
05:59You were secretly trying to outbid me.
06:01Oh, all right.
06:02I thought if you were bidding against a stranger, you'd only go so high,
06:05but if you knew it was me, then your childish competitiveness would kick in.
06:09Well, that is nonsense.
06:10Give me the pen.
06:11No, no, no. I'm saving you from yourself.
06:13Oh, give me that.
06:14I will not.
06:15What is your name, Mr. Fraser?
06:16In the name of Kellyanne Grunter and everything she stands for...
06:18She can't stand.
06:19How do you know?
06:20I asked.
06:25I can't believe I'm bidding this much.
06:28Don't worry. We're going to have so much fun.
06:31It'll be so great being in that booth together, Ross.
06:35No need to get me extra headphones.
06:37Oh!
06:38I'll just share yours.
06:39Oh!
06:40We are coming up on the final minute of tonight's auction.
06:45No bids will be accepted after the whistle blows.
06:50Listen, Jody, can I talk to you?
06:52Uh, I'd love to bid more, but I'm really at my limit.
07:01I really want you to win this.
07:03I really think we would hit it off.
07:05Oh, you too, huh?
07:07I thought I sensed a little spark between us, Ross.
07:12A spark?
07:15Maybe after the show we could get a drink or have some dinner?
07:20Ah.
07:29You like Italian?
07:32Well, I think it's time to separate the men from the boys.
07:36I will never top this bid.
07:40You're right, Niles. I won't top it.
07:43I will double it.
07:48Then I'd like to see the look on your face when I double your bid.
07:53What?
07:57You didn't double it. You just added $50 to it.
08:01Yes!
08:03The geniuses are mine.
08:05Well, there certainly was some spirited bidding over this luncheon, wasn't there?
08:11My goodness, $4,050.
08:18What have I done?
08:19You have let your competitiveness get the better of you, and it serves you right.
08:23Due to the overwhelming interest in this luncheon, I propose adding another place to the table.
08:30That is if we can convince our runner-up, Dr. Frasier Crane, to match his brother's generous bid.
08:42What do you say, Dr. Crane?
08:47All right.
08:54Dear God, we've just spent $8,000 for a lunch.
08:59Frasier, just try and remember it's for a very worthy cause.
09:02Thanks to the Doctors Crane, there will be a lot fewer homeless cats on the streets of Seattle next year.
09:25Hey, Dad.
09:26Hey, Dad.
09:27Hey. Have a good time at the auction?
09:29Oh, yeah. I got a great new barbecue.
09:32Windsor Bonnet 2000.
09:35I wonder if they name it that because that's the one the royal family uses.
09:39Oh, I'm sure it is.
09:40That's actually the new postage stamp in England.
09:43Her Majesty with a pair of barbecue tongs and a saucebrush.
09:51Well, at least Dad didn't have to go into debt for his purchase.
09:55Oh, yes. Roz told me about your lunch with the geniuses.
09:59What, Roz beat us back here?
10:01Yeah. She was trying to ditch Noel.
10:03Apparently he's not allowed onto the highway with his moped.
10:11Frasier, have you ever wondered why we do all this, all this competition? Where did it even start?
10:19Well, it's a good question, Niles.
10:22Well, think back.
10:24What was the first thing you can remember us competing over?
10:29After being mobbed.
10:31We were always jockeying for her time and attention.
10:34Yes, well, it's a lot more difficult for me, actually.
10:39You being her favorite.
10:41What? You were the favorite.
10:43Oh, don't be ridiculous, Niles. She adored you.
10:46Don't you remember the time that you lost your tricycle?
10:49She actually took mine away from me and gave it to you.
10:52That was for your own good. No eight-year-old should be riding a tricycle.
11:01I had a chronic ear infection that affected my balance.
11:08Mom worshipped the ground you walked on.
11:11Remember when we brought those bowls home from pottery class?
11:14She used yours for the cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving and mine as a dog dish.
11:19Well, what did you expect her to do? You painted a little dog right on it.
11:23That was a turkey.
11:29Well, isn't this ironic?
11:33If both of us think the other one was the favorite, well, then neither of us was.
11:38So all our competition was pointless. Oh, I wish we'd talked about this years ago.
11:42Oh, Lord, yes. The angst we could have spared ourselves.
11:47Do you remember those IQ tests that we took?
11:51I was sick waiting for the results.
11:53Which we never found out, of course.
11:55Mom refused to tell us anything except that we were two points apart.
11:59I knew you had the higher score.
12:01I was convinced you did.
12:05Well, Mom was certainly right not to tell us.
12:08Yes, she certainly was.
12:10She knew back then that we were both too childish and competitive to handle it.
12:25You know what would be a sign of real growth now?
12:30To find out those scores right now?
12:32Exactly. I mean, how often in life have you afforded an opportunity to discover really how much you've evolved?
12:37Exactly.
12:39Dad, do you know what our IQs are?
12:43No, but I got a pretty good idea at that auction tonight.
12:52Now, Dad, the IQ tests we took when we were children, would you have saved those?
12:56Oh, sure, your mother and I saved all that stuff.
12:58Report cards, finger paintings, poems.
13:02It's in an old Ballantyne box in my closet.
13:05Oh, Dad, why don't you just admit it? You're more of a sentimentalist than you let on.
13:10Yeah, I guess I am.
13:12That was the first case of beer your mother and I ever bought together.
13:20I still can't get over how much they spent at that auction.
13:23Oh, they've always tried to one-up each other.
13:26Yeah, I suppose all brothers are like that.
13:28Mine certainly were.
13:30Everything was a contest.
13:32Who could run the fastest, jump the highest?
13:35They even had this strange one where they'd take little brother Michael,
13:39put him in a potato sack and see who could bowl him the farthest over the frozen lake out back.
13:46Oh, they loved that game.
13:49Until that year, the spring thaw set in early and poor Michael went right through the ice.
13:57Oh, they caught hell for that one, they did.
14:00Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off.
14:06Michael cried and cried until they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy.
14:15Then when he got five quid for it, why, it was all they could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them.
14:21What's keeping you guys with that box?
14:24There it is, Dad.
14:27Gosh, this is a virtual treasure trove of memorabilia.
14:31Look at this choir ribbon.
14:34Most improved badminton.
14:36A tap dance certificate.
14:38Yeah, I remember going through that box with your mother.
14:41She always knew just what to say to cheer me up.
14:45So what if the trophy says baking instead of baseball, Marty?
14:51Catches mitts or oven mitts, they're our little champions.
14:57No, wait, this is report cards. This might be something.
15:02Well, here they are.
15:12Congratulations, Frasier, 129.
15:15Is that good?
15:16Oh, we're good. It's practically genius. Bravo, Frasier.
15:19That's enough, Niles. Now, where are you, higher or lower?
15:23I don't see mine yet. I am...
15:29...higher.
15:31Well, congratulations. I doff my hat to you, Mr. 131.
15:38Higher.
15:44What do you mean, higher? Mom told us we were two points apart.
15:47Well, apparently, Mom was being tactful.
15:49How tactful?
15:50Well...
15:51Give me the...
15:57156.
16:00My God, that's...
16:0127 points.
16:02Yes, I know!
16:08I never should have told you guys about the box.
16:10No, no, Dad, I'm fine with this. The entire point of this exercise...
16:13...was to prove you were right.
16:15No, no, Dad, I'm fine with this. The entire point of this exercise...
16:18...was to prove that Niles and I have moved beyond our competitiveness.
16:22And we have.
16:24I'm very proud of my little brother.
16:28Thank you, thank you.
16:29And I am proud of how mature you are being about all of this.
16:33In fact, if there were a test for maturity, I think your score would be much, much...
16:37Niles, that's enough.
16:39You know what? I suggest that we go ahead and call it a night, Niles.
16:44We want to be nice and refreshed for our meeting with the three geniuses tomorrow.
16:50Oops.
16:51Or in my case, the four geniuses.
16:55Oh, now you will.
16:58Good night, Dad.
16:59Well, I'll meet you at the restaurant.
17:01Oh, good night, Niles.
17:02Okay.
17:03Sleep tight.
17:04You too.
17:05Daphne, is that university library open all night?
17:10I think so. Why don't you ask?
17:12Oh, for God's sake, do you think I'm letting my little brother humiliate me tomorrow?
17:15What the hell are you talking about?
17:16Dad, he is smarter than I am.
17:18Niles will be sitting there rambling on with the geniuses about the cosmos, black holes...
17:22...matter, antimatter, and I won't matter at all.
17:27I'm going to have to make myself a nice thermos full of coffee...
17:31I'm going to have to make myself a nice thermos full of coffee...
17:34...and get down to that library.
17:36Oh, Frazier, what do you think you're going to learn in one night?
17:39Just enough to ask some informed questions, Dad.
17:42I may not have a 156 IQ, but I'm a quick study.
17:46Daphne, is there something wrong with this coffee pot?
17:50Well, there.
17:51You won't have to tell me that again.
18:01Hello, Niles.
18:02Frazier?
18:04Sleep well last night?
18:05Oh, yes. Like a baby.
18:08Like a baby with library privileges.
18:14I know what you did.
18:16How?
18:17The way you rushed me out of there last night.
18:20I sensed something was up, so I waited in my car...
18:22...and sure enough, ten minutes later, you tore out of your garage.
18:25Niles, I'm so sorry.
18:27It's just that...
18:28No, no, no. I don't want to hear any more of your facile excuses.
18:34Good Lord, excuse me.
18:35I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
18:36I think your competitiveness has sunk to a new low.
18:40Please.
18:41I'm ashamed of you.
18:42Please.
18:43I'm terribly sorry.
18:44It's just that I was so insecure about even coming to this luncheon at all.
18:50Wait a minute.
18:51You just scratched your ear.
18:53You were at the door.
18:55My ear?
18:56You were at the library, too.
18:58I most certainly was not.
19:00The only thing that makes you sneeze and scratch your ear...
19:02...is your parchment mite allergy.
19:08So that was you sneezing from behind the stacks all night.
19:15I had to go.
19:16I knew you'd be racing through those scientific journals...
19:19...faster than a proton in a particle accelerator.
19:22Oh, stop showing off.
19:26You know, speaking of accelerating particles...
19:27...why don't you do something about that sneezing?
19:29Well, I took some of these before...
19:31...but they're obviously not as strong as I thought they were.
19:33I'm going to take a couple more of them.
19:47Now, how do you just go home and go to bed?
19:51That's exactly what you'd like for me to be happening.
19:56What did you just say?
19:59Well, if you didn't repeat it the first time...
20:01...I'm not going to listen to it.
20:04Niles, Niles, it's that medication.
20:05It's affecting your speech.
20:07You've just taken a second dose of it.
20:09For God's sake, you're going to make a fool out of yourself.
20:11Oh, well, you should talk.
20:13Look at your shaky hands and your twitchy eyes.
20:15No.
20:16You were up all night drinking coffee all night last night, weren't you?
20:20I am not twitching.
20:21You will not psych me into twitching.
20:24Gentlemen, may I offer you...
20:28...sure, is your eye bothering you?
20:29No, no, it's fine.
20:32Can I get you something to drink?
20:34No, thank you.
20:35Oh, well, yes, some coffee.
20:36Decaf.
20:37All right.
20:38I'd like a cup of tea, sounds nice.
20:44Very good.
20:45You know what, Niles?
20:46You really should leave.
20:47You're embarrassing yourself.
20:49For God's sake.
20:51I'm never leaving while you're still not leaving.
20:54You know you have the good bed.
20:59Well, now you're just hallucinating.
21:01Oh, when we moved to Wallace Lane,
21:03and we shared a room and you got to pick where you would be having your sleeping...
21:10Niles, the beds were identical.
21:13Oh, why am I even bothering to explain this to a man who has his elbow in the butter?
21:19Well, who is hallucinating now?
21:23Niles, have you ever taken these pills before?
21:26No, but they fix my nose.
21:28Uh-oh.
21:29You know, I just wish they wouldn't make me so hyper.
21:32Oh, good Lord.
21:34For God's sake, there's spilled water all over me, you jackass.
21:38Just give me another napkin.
21:39Give me a napkin.
21:40Give, give, give.
21:41Napkin, napkin.
21:42Right there.
21:45Oh, Niles, wake up, wake up.
21:47Oh, excuse me.
21:50Oh, Dr. Zafran.
21:52Goodness, this is quite an honor.
22:11Allow me to introduce Dr. Niles Crane.
22:17Oh.
22:28Oh.
22:29Well, Niles, I'm surprised to see you up so soon.
22:34You feel all right?
22:35I feel, uh, not bad.
22:37A little dry.
22:39When I blink, it makes a scratching noise.
22:41Oh, here.
22:44I'll get you a little water here.
22:45Oh, thank you.
22:46Oh, yeah.
22:47So, uh, how long did we last for lunch?
22:52Well, not too long.
22:54$9,000 doesn't buy you the leisurely lunch you used to.
23:01Wait a minute, I thought it was $8,000.
23:03No, no, no, you knocked over the aquarium on the way out.
23:10You know, if ever I feel envy about your IQ again,
23:14I'll just conjure up the image of you sprawled out on a bed of live koi.
23:20Weeping and desperately trying to revive that little plastic diver.
23:30Oh, dear.
23:31Hey, Niles.
23:32Hurry up with those patties.
23:33I got five more pounds in the fridge.
23:35Right, Dad.
23:37Dad's having his poker chums over to test out the new barbecue.
23:40You can give me a hand here.
23:42When is it going to end, Frazier?
23:44All this obsessive competitiveness.
23:48Oh, probably never, Niles.
23:52You know, whether it started with seeking Mom's approval or some other insecurity,
23:57we're locked in a pattern now that we'll probably never get out of.
24:00Ooh, that sounds bleak.
24:02No, no, not necessarily.
24:03You know what?
24:04There have been some benefits to it.
24:06I probably wouldn't have done so well in school
24:09if it hadn't been for my fear that I'd be bested by my brainy little brother.
24:17Well, I was certainly spurred on by your success as well.
24:21Why else would I have joined the chess club and the drama club and the key club?
24:26What other possible reason would there be for me to spend an entire summer
24:30training a seeing eye dog, aside from helping the blind?
24:36You know what?
24:38I might not have pushed myself on to Harvard and Oxford.
24:45Well, I might not have been led to psychiatry, which has been the saving grace of my life.
24:52You see, Niles, frankly, we both have a lot to thank each other for.
24:57We've come a long way from those two little boys just starving for a parent's approval.
25:04How are they doing?
25:05Oh, just great, Dad.
25:06We're growing as fast as we can.
25:08Here you are.
25:09Nice job on those patties.
25:13Really? You think so?
25:14Yeah, not too thick, not too thin.
25:17Tight enough to hold a shape.
25:19Perfect.
25:21Oh, thank you, Dad.
25:23Yeah, wait till you see the next batch.
25:25Yeah.
25:28You know, I'm surprised you let him keep that out there.
25:32Oh, well, yeah.
25:34It's a bit of an eyesore and, frankly, kind of a fire hazard, but what the hell, it makes him happy.
25:40He lodged an anonymous complaint with the building, didn't you?
25:43It'll be gone by Thursday, I suppose.
25:46Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
25:49Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:53Mercy.
25:55And maybe I seem a bit confused.
25:58Well, maybe.
25:59But I got you pegged.
26:01Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:04But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:09They're calling again.
26:12Goodnight!