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00:00Yeah.
00:02I wish I was chairman of Packer, Mac.
00:07Oh, by the way.
00:10A Father's Day card arrived for you this morning.
00:14Is it Father's Day?
00:16It's a pity we don't know where Dad's living.
00:18We could send him a letter bomb.
00:23Yeah, well, I'll see you on Saturday.
00:25It's a pity we don't know where Dad's living.
00:27We could send him a letter-bomb.
00:29Here, Father's Day card.
00:31Hang about, I'm not married.
00:33Oh, no. I wonder what that could mean, then.
00:36Well, I know what it could mean.
00:38It means... Oh, no, no, no.
00:40She told me she'd definitely...
00:42You dozy little git.
00:46You nearly gave my aunt a connery, then.
00:48Oh, dear.
00:50I just wanted to liven us up a bit, didn't I?
00:53I mean, for the past four days, we've been hanging around in pubs and cafes
00:56waiting for this rain to leave off.
00:58It was just a summer shower, Rodney, you said.
01:01Red sky at night and swallows flying backwards,
01:03that's a sure sign of an heatwave, Rodney, you said.
01:05All right, all right, don't go on about it.
01:07Where do you think I work? The metaphorical office or somewhere?
01:10Mate, it'll soon be over, don't worry.
01:12Who's that on there? You, is it?
01:14Yeah, sure.
01:16Anyway, what do you want to drink?
01:18I suppose I'd better just have half a lager.
01:21I don't know where this has been going this week.
01:23I think I'd better join you.
01:27Ah, how's it going, Alex?
01:29Hello, Del, want a drink?
01:31Oh, well, go on, then.
01:33I'll, um, have half a lager. Half a lager.
01:35Yeah, and I'll have a large drambuie with lime,
01:37topped up with soda, lots of ice,
01:39a slice of lemon and a little cherry on the top.
01:41Two halves of lager, love.
01:45Done much today?
01:47Well, in this weather, you must be joking.
01:50No, I'll send Rodney out later on, see what he can do.
01:52What are you doing here? You still got that travel agent?
01:54Yeah. He's not doing me no favours, though.
01:56I thought I'd clean up on that World Cup,
01:58but I couldn't get no bookings.
02:00Honestly, Del, I've got thousands of pounds worth of holidays,
02:02just lying about, but everybody's skinned.
02:04I tell you, this recession's going to be the end of me.
02:06Well, you want to cut down on your old prices, then, don't you, Alex, me old mate?
02:08Well, I'll lose money.
02:10No, well, you'll have some coming in, won't you?
02:12I mean, I'd rather lose a frippery bit than a fiver, wouldn't you?
02:14Well, that's true, yeah.
02:16I mean, listen, I don't care what the papers say,
02:19there's still plenty of money about, you know, if you know where to get it.
02:21I mean, you want to find some way of hooking the punters, you know.
02:23You, you want a bit, you know, a bit of a gimmick.
02:25Such as?
02:27Eh?
02:29Well, you put it round the manner, right,
02:31that the very next customer in your shop is going to get
02:33the biggest cut price holiday in the history of travel.
02:35No, no, listen, and I mean really cheap, Alex, right?
02:37I mean something like
02:39anywhere in the world, and you'll knock off 80% of the price.
02:4180%?
02:43No, 80%. Now, listen, listen.
02:45But only to the very next customer, right?
02:48So what they'll be doing, see,
02:50they'll be fighting each other to get into your shop.
02:52Now, once they're in there, you sell the rest of them
02:54at the normal price, don't you?
02:56This time next year, you'll be a millionaire.
02:58You know, that's not a bad idea, Del.
03:00Come to think of it, it's a belting idea.
03:02I tell you, that's what I'm going to do.
03:04Exactly what you told me. Thanks for the advice, mate.
03:06That's all right, don't mention it, pal.
03:08I'll see you around, all right?
03:10Fancy a holiday?
03:14Can't afford a holiday.
03:16Can. Alex, special offer.
03:18Anywhere in the world, 80% off.
03:20He'll go fast.
03:22Yeah, I know he will, I know. That's what I told him,
03:24but he wouldn't listen. You know what he's like.
03:26Hey, what about it then, Rodney? Me and you, eh?
03:28What? Up into the wide blue yonder,
03:30eh? Get the old current bun on our backs?
03:32Oh, yeah, that's some of that, Del, yeah.
03:34Good boy. Right, I'll tell you what you do.
03:36You go down the road and knock out a bit of that gear,
03:38and I'll do the old bizzo with Alex, all right?
03:40Yeah, right.
03:46Oi, wait a minute, he's peeing down out there.
03:50Yeah, well, you want some spending money
03:52for your old duty-free's, don't you?
03:54Yeah, but I'm never going to be able
03:56to sell this stuff.
03:58Course you are, my son.
04:00Remember me motto, he who dares wins.
04:04Right, see you later.
04:06See you later, good boy.
04:08Here, Alex, about that offer.
04:10Genuine Italian sun-ex.
04:12You won't enjoy that.
04:16I could die, you know.
04:18More than likely.
04:20I mean, fancy sending me out
04:22in weather like that.
04:24Been raining, has he?
04:26Been raining?
04:28Why don't you stick your nose out of that door
04:30once every so often, eh?
04:32It's been raining non-stop for four days.
04:34Ta-da! Done it, Rodney.
04:36Done it.
04:38A book to our Oliverby.
04:40Here you are, my boy. That's it.
04:42There it is, all in there.
04:44We're going somewhere different.
04:46We are away from the tourists.
04:48Where? Benidorm.
04:50It'll be fantastic, Rodney.
04:52We'll have a great time, won't we?
04:54All that blue sea, the sunshine.
04:56Dancing with all them foreign salts.
04:58You know, di-vi-va-los.
05:00That's what it's all about.
05:02Where do we go, Del?
05:04In three weeks' time, Grandad.
05:06It's goodbye, Luton Airport.
05:08Hello, Benidorm.
05:14Um...
05:16Yeah, well, the thing is, Grandad...
05:18I've always wanted to go to Benidorm.
05:20Where is it?
05:22It's in Spain, isn't it?
05:24Spain?
05:26I've been to Spain before.
05:28Oh. Oh, well, you wouldn't want
05:30to go again then, would you, Beep?
05:32Same old thing.
05:34I ain't never been to Benidorm.
05:36It'll make a nice break.
05:38Yeah, yeah. Well, the thing is, Grandad,
05:40I'll tell you what, um...
05:42Come on, knock us up a nice Spanish omelette, eh?
05:44You know, help us get in the mood.
05:46All right, Del Boy. Yeah.
05:50Oh, I've only got three eggs left
05:52and one of them's on the turn.
05:54See if I put a lot of pepper in.
05:58Great. Terrific.
06:02You gonna tell him?
06:04Oh, Rodney, how can I tell him?
06:06Look at him. He's got his heart set on it, hasn't he?
06:08Well, we can't take him with us, Del.
06:10I mean, you could bring a bird back to the room,
06:12go to Porra, a sangri or a summit
06:14and find his false teeth in a glass.
06:18Yeah, it would upset the romantic ambience
06:20somewhat, wouldn't it?
06:22Well, what are we gonna tell him then?
06:24Say the food won't agree with him.
06:26No, that won't work. You know him.
06:28He's got a stomach like a rubbish skid.
06:30Uh, the change of climate.
06:32Ah. Now, the last holiday we had,
06:34the change of climate upset him, didn't it?
06:36And we'd only gone to Bognor.
06:38Good one. Likey.
06:42No, I can't, Rodney.
06:44No, look, it's gonna break his heart.
06:46All right, Del. Well, if you can't tell him, then I will.
06:48All right. Just a minute.
06:50Oi, oi, just now. If you're gonna tell him,
06:52now do it gently, will ya?
06:54You know, I mean, he's family.
06:56Yeah, just leave it to me, Del.
06:58All right. Good boy, Rodney.
07:00Uh, Grandad,
07:02could I have a word?
07:08Oh, Alex.
07:10Hello, it's Del Boy. Look, about that holiday
07:12I booked with you this morning. Yeah, listen.
07:14Um, do you reckon the hotel could put another bed
07:16in our room? Only Grandad's coming.
07:18Oh, nice one, Alex.
07:20Right.
07:22Yeah, I'll pop that kite round to you in the morning, then.
07:24All right. See you round, pal.
07:38Well?
07:42Oh, look, couldn't the hotel put another bed
07:44in our room?
07:46Oh, no, Del, I couldn't have told him. It'd have broken his heart.
07:48You're just like the man at the top you are, aren't you?
07:50You're utterly ruthless.
07:52I can be when I want to be. Oh, yeah.
07:54I just this minute told Grandad I don't like Spanish omelettes.
07:56Oh, yeah.
07:58I mean, that's really being ruthless, that is, isn't it, eh?
08:02I also told him that you love him,
08:04so you got two.
08:08Ha!
08:10Careful, Del,
08:12there's a bomb down there.
08:38Sing along with us.
08:42Yeah, we're half happy.
08:48Yeah.
09:02When the winter's here,
09:04yeah, it's party time.
09:06It'll soon be summertime
09:08and we'll see her again.
09:10We'll go driving or maybe we'll settle down.
09:14She's rich, she's nice, bring your friends
09:16and we'll all go into town.
09:26Oh, God!
09:32That's a date.
09:34Hang about.
09:36It's all right, it's a sleep.
09:38No, come on.
09:40Here.
09:42Pass.
09:46Oui. Watch it.
09:50Here you go, Del.
09:52Oh, cheers.
09:54This is the life, eh, Rodders?
09:56When we become millionaires,
09:58we'll move out,
10:00get a villa,
10:02get those little old folks homes
10:04that they have out here.
10:06What old folks homes do they have out here?
10:08You know, we saw them in the oddity brochure.
10:10They call them, uh, yeah, pensions.
10:16Grandad, I got your lager.
10:20Grandad!
10:24What?
10:26Boo!
10:30Yoo-hoo!
10:32Grandad, Roddy has a lager for you.
10:36You ought to act your age a bit more.
10:38That could have blinded me.
10:42Come here.
10:44I don't want nothing to drink.
10:46I'm going back to the hotel and have a fiesta.
10:52Do you reckon he's all right?
10:54He's been acting all edgy and nervous
10:56ever since we got here.
10:58Maybe it's that squiddy head
11:00rubbing the hotel in up too much, is it, eh?
11:02Oh, you can say that again.
11:04You've had that soup last night.
11:06Called it oxtail.
11:08It was more like foxtail, wasn't it, eh?
11:12You don't reckon he's sickening for anything, do you?
11:14No.
11:16It's probably just the heat.
11:18He's not as young as he used to be, is he?
11:20Here, Roddy, put some of that oil on my back, will you?
11:22Yeah.
11:26Ah!
11:28Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
11:30I thought it was oil.
11:38I told you, it's that.
11:40It's probably Mark now, isn't it?
11:42I've said I'm sorry.
11:44Look, I'll go up to the room and get you a fresh shirt, all right?
11:46Yeah, why don't you do that small thing, Rodney, all right?
11:52Oh!
11:54Pardon, mademoiselle.
11:56Je suis vraiment désolée.
11:58C'est rien.
12:10Bonsoir.
12:12Bonjour, monsieur.
12:14Vous restez à l'hôtel?
12:16Défense de fumée.
12:18Avec vous...
12:20du bonnet?
12:22Oui, merci.
12:24Oui, garçon.
12:26Toast, du bonnet, pavé-beurre.
12:28Thank you, Jean.
12:30De quelle partie de la France êtes-vous?
12:32Ah, oui, oui.
12:34Je t'aime.
12:36Je t'adore.
12:38Sur les ponts d'Avignon.
12:40Pardon, monsieur.
12:42Yeah.
12:44OK.
12:46Hey, Jackie.
12:48Hi.
12:50Join me for a drink.
12:52Oh, I'd love to, but I think I got stuck with that little French fella over there.
12:56Oh, don't worry about him.
12:58Pull up a pew.
13:00He won't bother you with me around.
13:10Je suis frontiers.
13:16Thank you, waiter.
13:22I hope he doesn't kick sand in my face.
13:40Del!
13:42Del!
13:44What's the matter with you?
13:46I was just about to pull a French stall.
13:48No, you've got to come with me now.
13:50What's the matter?
13:52It's Grandad.
13:54Grandad? He's ill, isn't he?
13:56I told you there was something the matter with him, but you wouldn't listen to me, would you?
13:58He's not ill.
14:00Well, what's up with him, then?
14:02He's been arrested.
14:04Arrested?
14:06Well, come on.
14:08Wait.
14:14Visitors!
14:18How is shoe two?
14:22Good afternoon, Grandad.
14:24How are you?
14:26Settled in all right?
14:32Quo vadis, senor?
14:36Quo vadis?
14:38Quo vadis?
14:40Quo vadis?
14:46Took you time getting here, didn't you?
14:48Now don't you start getting stroppy with me, you ungrateful old git.
14:50I've been running around this town.
14:52I've been running about here like a tit in a trance looking for you.
14:54We went to the police station.
14:56They knew you'd been arrested,
14:58but they couldn't remember what they'd done with you.
15:00And for the last four hours, I've been phoning round,
15:02trying to get hold of a console.
15:04Oh, charming.
15:06I hear Rodney's out trying to hire a car.
15:10Not that sort of console, you daft old git.
15:12I'm in the British Consulate.
15:14Well, why didn't you bring him here, then?
15:16Why did you get yourself arrested?
15:18Keep your voices down.
15:20You'll get him trapped out of here.
15:26Just keep calm, will you, everybody, please?
15:28Just nice and calm.
15:30And easy.
15:32Right?
15:34Nothing.
15:36I was just crossing the road to the hotel
15:38when this police car screeched up to me,
15:40nearly running me over.
15:42Next thing I knew, I was banged up in here.
15:44They ain't even charged me with nothing.
15:46No, no, look, you must have done something, Grandad.
15:48You went back to the hotel for a little kit, right?
15:50Half hour later, you're doing porridge.
15:52Now think hard, Grandad.
15:54Have you done anything remotely out of order?
15:56I mean, did you get drunk and disorderly?
15:58Did you have a punch-up with a Kuwaiti supporters club?
16:00Did you goose the maid?
16:02No.
16:04Well, there was a little incident, Del.
16:06It didn't happen today, though.
16:08Now we're getting somewhere.
16:10All right, come on, tell me, when did it happen?
16:121936.
16:16You know, for a moment there,
16:18I thought you said 1936.
16:20That's funny, Dad, but so did I.
16:22In 1936, I was deported from Spain
16:24and all her territories and dominions.
16:26All her territories and dominions.
16:32Would you consider it nosey of me
16:34if I were to ask you the reason why?
16:36Do you really want to know?
16:38Well, no, we're just curious, I suppose.
16:40Yeah, you know, we just wondered.
16:42Well, I were up to no good, weren't I?
16:44Well, I didn't think you got ruddy well deported
16:46for doing missionary work, did I?
16:48So what happened in 1936?
16:50The Spanish Civil War happened, that's why.
16:52So what happened in 1936?
16:54The Spanish Civil War happened, that's why.
16:56The Spanish Civil...
16:58This gets worse, Rodney.
17:00Oh, look, it's a long, long story.
17:02Well, according to Manuel,
17:04the guard, you may have a long, long time
17:06to tell it in, so let's hear it.
17:08Well, in 1936,
17:10the family was living in Peabody Buildings,
17:12Peckham Rye.
17:14Oh, it was a terribly hard time.
17:16We had no money, no food,
17:18no future.
17:20There was millions of unemployed
17:22on the dole.
17:24Excuse me, just a minute.
17:26I mean, excuse me,
17:28I may be being a wally or something,
17:30but can you possibly explain
17:32to me what a dole queue in Peckham
17:34has got to do with the Spanish Civil War?
17:36I'm building up to it, Del.
17:38Having a conversation
17:40with him is like a slow death, isn't it?
17:42One day,
17:44me and my mate Knobby Clark,
17:46we decided we had just
17:48about enough of it, so we ran
17:50off to join the Foreign Legion.
17:52The Foreign Legion?
17:54You don't mean the British Legion?
17:56The French
17:58Foreign Legion. Camels and
18:00forts, you know.
18:02So, we hitchhiked to Southampton.
18:04Ah, that's where their headquarters was?
18:06No!
18:08That's where we tried to get on board a boat.
18:10Well, eventually, we stowed
18:12away on a tramp steamer.
18:14We hid under the tarpaulin
18:16in the lifeboat.
18:18But, oh,
18:20the voyage was terrible.
18:22There were storms and gales.
18:24Those trotters
18:26have never made good sailors.
18:28Now, Knobby,
18:30he was all right on the water.
18:32I think it come from the time when he was a
18:34caretaker at a seaman's mission in Grimsby.
18:36Oi, oi, oi,
18:38I don't want to worry you, you know, but our plane
18:40leaves in three days.
18:42What happened in Spain?
18:44Oh, now, where was I?
18:46You and the fisherman's friend
18:48were under a tarpaulin in the lifeboat.
18:50Oh, yeah.
18:52Well, when the ship finally docked,
18:54guess where we was?
18:56Spain.
18:58No!
19:00Tangiers.
19:02Grandad, is it worth me making any plans
19:04for my future?
19:06I mean, what's all this got to do with a Foreign Legion?
19:08Well, Tangiers was one of their main
19:10bases, wasn't it?
19:12You see, any normal person who wanted to join
19:14the French Foreign Legion would have gone to France,
19:16wouldn't they? Not him, no.
19:18Well, we jumped ship and made our way to their
19:20barracks. Oh, when we
19:22got there, we couldn't believe our eyes.
19:24They was the biggest band
19:26of cutthroats and villains and
19:28murderers you could ever hope to see.
19:30They was the scum of the earth.
19:32So you didn't join?
19:34We tried, but they wouldn't have us.
19:36Well,
19:38now me and Knobby was in dead lumber.
19:40We had no money, we had nowhere
19:42to sleep, and we was a thousand
19:44miles from home.
19:46But then we had a bit of luck. Well, it
19:48were more a quirk of fate, really.
19:50We bumped into an Arab
19:52and he offered us a job.
19:54He said he'd pay us to take
19:56his motor launch over to the Spanish
19:58coast and deliver a
20:00cargo.
20:02What sort of cargo?
20:04Guns.
20:06Guns?
20:08You mean you were gun running
20:10in the middle of a civil war?
20:12Well, that's the best time to do it, Rodney.
20:18Dirty little
20:20mercenary. Oh, we didn't
20:22do it purely for financial gain.
20:24Oh, no, we both
20:26felt a deep commitment to a political
20:28cause.
20:30Which side were you selling to? Well, whichever
20:32side had the most money.
20:34Bloody hell.
20:36No, no, it's alright, Rodney.
20:38No, I mean, you know, a conscience is nice, but business
20:40is business, right? Well,
20:42it was after the seventh trip when it
20:44happened.
20:46There was government
20:48troops laying in wait for us.
20:50They arrested us and they took us to this
20:52little prison outside a town called
20:54Tarifa.
20:56They took Nobby away
20:58and tortured him.
21:00You could hear his screams echoing
21:02through the night.
21:04Woke you up at one point, didn't it?
21:06The last thing on my
21:08mind was sleep, Rodney.
21:10But no matter what they'd done to him,
21:12Nobby wouldn't say a word.
21:14I bet he didn't even have his Caledon
21:16Bowser to suck, did he?
21:18Then it were
21:20my turn.
21:24They tortured you? No.
21:26But they would have done if I hadn't
21:28told them everything I...
21:34Well, a couple of days later
21:36these government leaders arrived
21:38with our deportation orders.
21:40And, well, that's about it.
21:44Are you sure that's about it?
21:46I mean, you haven't forgot any little minor details,
21:48have you? Like, I mean, you didn't pop over
21:50to Hong Kong and become an opium peddler?
21:52Or you didn't get a Saturday morning job
21:54as a white slave trader, did you?
21:56No. I just went back
21:58to Peckhamdale, put me name down on the
22:00hours end list.
22:02Man, Dad,
22:04why the hell didn't you tell us all this before we left
22:06home? Well, I was going to tell you,
22:08but I thought it might spoil the holiday.
22:10Spoil the holiday?
22:12Well, what do you think this has done?
22:14We'd have been better off with that caravan in
22:16Buenos Aires now, wouldn't we?
22:18Well, it all happened a long time ago.
22:20I thought the Spanish authorities
22:22would have forgot about it by now.
22:24Forgotten about it? Forgot
22:26about it? You're most probably on their
22:28ten most wanted terrorists list.
22:30You're probably somewhere between Carlos the
22:32Jackal and the Black November.
22:34September.
22:36What? It's September.
22:38The Black September.
22:40You said November. Gordon
22:42Bennett, Rodney, we haven't got time to
22:44sit about here discussing signs of the bleeding
22:46Zodiac. We've got to think of a
22:48way of getting the red shadow out of here.
22:50Of course we will, just deport
22:52him again. Deport him? You're joking, of course.
22:54They've just held the World Cup here,
22:56haven't they? They've got half of Manchester and Glasgow
22:58to get rid of first.
23:00By the time we
23:02get him back, he'll be eating paella and calling
23:04us gringos.
23:06There's got to be
23:08a way. There's always a
23:10way.
23:12Hello. Visiting time's
23:14over. Here, listen.
23:16Oi, you two. Now you keep
23:18stum, let me do the talking, alright?
23:20Ah, hello. Juan.
23:22Just the Juan I wanted to see.
23:24Yeah.
23:26Well, um,
23:28no, I just wanted to say, like, you know, that my grandfather
23:30here was telling us about the charming reception
23:32that he's received in your
23:34charming bijou, Nick.
23:36What is
23:38it that you say to me, eh?
23:40You taking the peas?
23:44No, I'm not taking the peas. Au contraire.
23:46Au contraire, Juan.
23:48No, I was, um, the thing that I wanted to say to you
23:50was I've been trying to... Oi, Dale!
23:52Shh, I told you to keep stum.
23:54Pardon, monsieur.
23:56Um, El Wally, yeah?
24:00I've been reckoning my brains to
24:02find a way that I could possibly
24:04repay you, you know, for all the good work
24:06that you've done, and I've thought
24:08that perhaps you might give this
24:10to the charity of your choice.
24:12Don't we?
24:14The charity of my choice?
24:16Yeah.
24:18Gracias, senor, eh?
24:20Granada.
24:22Gracias.
24:24Listen, uh, Juan,
24:26now...
24:28now we're such close friends, I was just, uh,
24:30wondering if you, you know, you could pull a few strings
24:32and get my old grandfather out of this carzy.
24:34Si, senor.
24:36Oui.
24:38You can go.
24:40Go?
24:42Just like that?
24:44Si. You are free to go.
24:46Um, excuse me, Juan,
24:48shouldn't you, like, clear it with the governor
24:50first, you know what I mean?
24:52There's no need, senor.
24:54I have his release papers here.
25:00You mean that you were going to
25:02let him go anyway?
25:06Si, senor.
25:08Yeah, nice one. Nice one, Juan.
25:10Yes, yes.
25:12Couple more years and you could be in charge of your own ballstool,
25:14couldn't you?
25:16How come you let me go so soon?
25:18Ah, you've done nothing.
25:20It's a little offence, huh?
25:22How you say, uh, traffic violation, huh?
25:24He can't see the road
25:26because of the car, the crash.
25:28But we make no charge. He's bad for
25:30Anglo-Spanish relations, eh?
25:32Yeah? Well, don't think you're getting Gibraltar back
25:34just because of this.
25:40Well, it appears that you walked across the road,
25:42father. You were done for jaywalking,
25:44you stupid old berk!
25:46Well, I didn't know,
25:48Del Boy. When they screeched to an awful,
25:50they captured me.
25:52Gracias once again, senor.
25:56The charity of my choice will be very
25:58pleasing. I bet she will, Juan.
26:00I bet she will.
26:02Well,
26:04I suppose we'd better stop off at the drugstore
26:06and get something for Grandad's cuts and bruises.
26:08I ain't got no cuts
26:10and bruises.
26:12It's early yet.