Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S02 Е05 - The Yellow Peril
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00:00So, we have a deal then, Mr Chin. Yes, we have a deal. Good.
00:05Do you take Bakhli card? Do you?
00:10Now, call me old-fashioned or sentimental if you like, but I'm a strictly readies man myself.
00:14You know, cash in the hand, that's my motto.
00:17Anyway, we'll see you first thing in the morning, right? About 11 o'clock.
00:20Can't you do it today? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, I can't do it today, Mr Chin.
00:25No, no, no. You see, today is a, what's it, a very special day.
00:28Today is the anniversary of my late mother's passing from this immortal curl, you know.
00:34And by tradition, my brother and me, we always go and spend the day with her in the cemetery.
00:38You know, tending the grave, that sort of thing.
00:42Anyway, I must rush because I've got to go and buy some flowers.
00:45Yes, I am very sorry.
00:47No, that's all right. No sweat. I'll get them cheap from this geezer in the market.
00:50Sayonara.
00:52Cheerio.
00:55Cheerio.
01:26There you go, Mum.
01:29Excuse her feet.
01:32That's the bestest grave in the entire cemetery, Rodney.
01:36Yes, must have been.
01:39I mean, look at the others.
01:42They all look like monuments to the unknown gypo.
01:45All the others crumble and fall into dust. That will stand forever.
01:49Do you know why?
01:51Because it's the only one in the entire cemetery that is made of fibreglass.
01:56The only one in the entire cemetery that required planning permission.
02:00You're right.
02:06It's looking a bit tatty nowadays.
02:09I don't know. It's not too bad.
02:11It's bound to look a bit iffy after 17 years, isn't it?
02:14I mean, so would you if you'd been standing out there for 17 years
02:17with pigeons and diesel fumes and other mourners stubbing their cigarette ends out on you?
02:22I don't know.
02:24Well, maybe you could be right.
02:27Perhaps you could do with brightening up a bit.
02:30Yeah.
02:32If I added some fibreglass models of, say, an apostle
02:36and four cherubims with trumpets,
02:39do you think that would alter the effect?
02:42If you added fibreglass models of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,
02:45you couldn't alter the effect of that.
02:48Oi, oi, oi, oi. Don't start getting sacrificial.
02:54And what's the matter with you, Rodney? Really, I don't.
02:57You seem to have no sense of occasion.
03:00You've no très bien ensemble, as the French say.
03:06Look at you now, loafing about around your mother's gravesite.
03:11Don't you feel any emotion?
03:13Now, look, Del, I didn't know Mum that well, did I?
03:17When she died, I was just a little nipperoonie, all-odd socks and ex-mut.
03:21Now you feel a sense of personal loss.
03:24Me, I...
03:26I just feel cheated.
03:41Yeah, I'm... I'm sorry, Rodney.
03:44I should have realised.
03:50Her mum was a wonderful woman.
03:54She had long, golden, blonde hair.
03:58Sometimes.
04:01You could see her sitting at the bar with an AgZ in her simulated beaver skin
04:05with a rum and pep in one hand.
04:08Twenty senior service in the other.
04:11No, she looked like a lady.
04:14You know, lots of people mistook her for a moneylender.
04:17Really? Yeah, straight up.
04:20Yeah.
04:22Of course, I was a lot younger then, you know, didn't have much money.
04:25But every night she used to send across two or three pints of light and bitter.
04:28Or whiskey, if she was flush.
04:31That wasn't Mum.
04:34Come about ten o'clock, she'd look over where I was sitting and she'd shout,
04:39Come on, girl boy, get off home to bed.
04:42School in the morning.
04:45That's the kind of woman she was.
04:47Concerned about our welfare.
04:52Where was I then?
04:54You was outside in the pram eating a narrowroot.
04:57Was she married?
04:59No, it was only an old pram.
05:02Huh?
05:06Oh, it's all right. Put it in your leg.
05:09Old pram. Of course she was worried.
05:16No, I like it here, though, don't you, Rodney?
05:19It's nice and quiet.
05:21Away from the crowd and the noise and the traffic.
05:25It really is. Nice and quiet.
05:28Yeah.
05:30And tranquil.
05:32Mm.
05:34You're decorating the kitchen of a Chinese takeaway tomorrow.
05:37Yeah.
05:39Birds are singing and the sun's shining.
05:42What did you just say?
05:44I said the sun's shining and the birds are singing.
05:47No, I mean before that.
05:49Everything's quiet and tranquil.
05:51No, though, in between it being quiet and tranquil and the sun shining and the birds singing,
05:56you mentioned something about a Chinese takeaway.
06:00Oh, a Chinese takeaway.
06:02Oh, yeah. Well, the owner, he's in dead stock.
06:05He's got the health inspectors coming round and he's got to have his kitchen, you know, painted.
06:09You know, have it brightened up.
06:11So why have I got to paint it?
06:13Well, you're the one that's got the GCE in art, haven't you?
06:16This is a good earner, this is, Rodney.
06:18I charged him 150 nikka.
06:20Well, I don't care.
06:22Oh, come on. I've given him your word now.
06:25Look, I am not painting the kitchen of some grotty Chinese takeaway, all right?
06:33All right. It's the way you want it.
06:40Yeah, I remember what Mum said to me on her deathbed.
06:46Called me over to her side and she said,
06:49Del Boy, Del Boy...
06:52Stuttered, did she?
06:56Sorry, Del. No, really, I'm sorry. I don't know why I said it. Sorry.
07:01Look after Rodney for me, Del Boy, she said.
07:06Share everything you've got with him.
07:10Try to make him feel normal.
07:14That's what I've always done.
07:17Half of everything I've got.
07:20I mean, fair enough, I ain't got nothing, but half of it is yours.
07:25You'd give me half of everything?
07:27You'd nick the hole out of me last polo if I didn't keep me mouth shut.
07:32Now, now, Rodney, that hurts.
07:34If I had any wealth at all, I'd give you half like a shot.
07:38Yeah?
07:42Say you had two Rolls Royces.
07:45Well, I'd give you one, wouldn't I?
07:47You'd give me one of your Rolls Royces?
07:49Yeah, of course I would.
07:51If it was weather like this, I'd give you the one with the sunshine roof.
07:56If you had two million pounds, what'd you do?
07:59I'd give you a million, wouldn't I?
08:01Really?
08:02In cash.
08:08What'd you do if you had two of them deep-sea divers' watches?
08:13Now, you know I got two of them deep-sea divers' watches.
08:17Don't take bloody liberties with me.
08:21Yeah, that's the real Del coming out.
08:24All right, you can have one of me deep-sea divers' watches, all right?
08:29No. No, I've got to draw the line somewhere.
08:33I'm fed up with you and your bribery and emotional blackmail
08:36every time you want me to do the dirty work.
08:39It's a point of principle now, Del.
08:41You'd better get this straight.
08:43I am not painting that kitchen tomorrow.
08:45I am not painting that kitchen in a thousand years.
08:48No way, my son.
08:53I'll give you a lend of me dirty books.
08:55Yeah, all right, then.
08:58CLEARS THROAT
09:09Hey, Rodney, put that on the meter, will you?
09:14Right, come on.
09:16What's that look for?
09:17You can't expect me to paint with my feet, Del boy.
09:21I don't expect you to paint with your feet.
09:23I expect you to mix up, sweep up and hold the ladders
09:25for young Rembrandt here, all right?
09:27Come on.
09:35MEOWS
09:37Don't let him out!
09:39Oh.
09:41It's got to please Mr Chin, hasn't it?
09:43Oh, was it his pet?
09:45No, but number 39's off the menu.
09:55Do you reckon the rumours about these places is true, then?
09:58What? No, of course not.
10:01Well, that looked pretty alarmed about something.
10:10Here we are. Nice little kitchen, innit?
10:13Nice little kitchen?
10:15This is the pits, Del.
10:17This is the bloody pits.
10:19The old place looks like an explosion in a dripping factory.
10:25This is a working kitchen, Rodney.
10:27You've got to expect a little bit of fur fat...
10:31..to spill out the pans every now and then, haven't you, eh?
10:34So what period are we going to decorate it in, Del?
10:37Early bubonic, perhaps?
10:39Yes, if you like. Look, don't worry about it.
10:42You've had all your inoculations, haven't you?
10:44Come on.
10:45This is the kitchen, then.
10:47No, no, this is the master bedroom.
10:49The kitchen is upstairs in the bathroom, you wally.
10:52Now, listen, you two, you should be out of here in a couple of days
10:55if you don't do anything stupid like stopping for lunch, right?
10:58Wait, Rodney, come here, down here, look at this.
11:01Here's your paint, right?
11:03There's your walls, that's your ceiling.
11:05Now, I'll leave it all up to you, Michelangelo, all right?
11:08Oh, yeah? What?
11:10And just what am I supposed to do with those soppy little things?
11:13Look, I can't even get me brush in them.
11:17Can't even get his brush in them.
11:19He can't even work that little problem out.
11:21Oh, God. Tell him how to do it, Grandad.
11:24You get a pair of scissors and trim your brush up, yeah.
11:30No, you don't get a pair of scissors and trim your brush up.
11:35Look, what you do is you get your little tins, don't you?
11:39Open them up and you put them in your big tin, don't you?
11:42Oh, yeah, yeah.
11:44No, I'd thought of that already.
11:46Oh, yeah?
11:47Oh, yeah.
11:48I'm not stupid.
11:49No, not much, look here.
11:51Right.
11:52Hey. What?
11:53They ain't got no labels on them.
11:55You don't even know what colour they are.
11:57I know, the owner bought them cheap. He got well taken on.
11:59It's a load of rubbish.
12:00Say that again, where did you get them from?
12:02Me.
12:04Don't.
12:05Is this nicked, though?
12:06I'm not doing it if it's nicked.
12:08No, Rodney, it is not nicked.
12:10Believe me.
12:11No, no, no, it's bankrupt stock.
12:13I bought two grocers a job lot.
12:15Come on.
12:16Trust me.
12:17Trust me.
12:18Right.
12:19Good morning.
12:20Ah, good morning.
12:21Good morning, Mr Chin.
12:22Here you are.
12:23Here we are.
12:24My men are here, as promised.
12:26As you can see, they are the best in the business.
12:28They are, in fact, the creme de la monthe of the painting and decorating world.
12:34Good.
12:35You the painter?
12:37No, no, no, he's the painter.
12:39I'm his apprentice.
12:42It's all right.
12:43No, they are the best, the very best.
12:45Don't worry, Mr Chin.
12:47In fact, chin up.
12:49Chin, chin up, Mr Chin.
12:51Chin, chin up.
12:57Well, have you decided what colour the walls will be?
13:01Colour?
13:02Oh, yes, yes.
13:04I mean, you don't think that we leave an important decision like that to the last minute, do you?
13:09Get that lid off.
13:10I'm trying.
13:11Yeah.
13:12Well, Mr Chin, you see, the colour that I thought of...
13:15Now, you may not agree with me, but somehow I think that you will.
13:19You see, what I thought...
13:22And you can shoot me down in flames in this one if you like, you know what I mean.
13:26What I...
13:27Have you got the lid off yet?
13:28No.
13:29Well, you see, what I thought the colour of these walls should be...
13:32Blue.
13:33What?
13:35I like blue.
13:36Blue.
13:37Ah, blue.
13:38You're saying sprontius.
13:40Yes.
13:41That is exactly what I thought.
13:42I thought, why don't we paint these walls a nice subtle shade of blue?
13:46What shade of blue?
13:47Yellow.
13:48And then I changed me mind.
13:50And I thought, no, no, not blue, no.
13:52What I thought we'd do is we would paint them gold.
13:54That is yellow.
13:55This is gold, Rodney.
13:56What is the matter with you?
13:57Are you illiterate or something?
13:59No, I thought of gold because I remembered the name of your beautiful restaurant.
14:02Gold for the golden locust.
14:05Well, Mr Chotter, I'll leave it to you.
14:09As long as my kitchen is painted and cleaned up before the health inspector calls.
14:13All right?
14:14Fine.
14:15Sorry, sorry.
14:16How do you know the health inspector's calling?
14:18I didn't think they warned you or nothing.
14:20Oh, I had a telephone call from a man.
14:23He did not give me his name.
14:28But he tells me, get your kitchen painted.
14:32Oh, you'll be in big trouble, John.
14:38John?
14:39John, yeah, John, John.
14:41You know, John, it's the expression.
14:42Got an expression, hi, John, and all that.
14:44Somebody up there must like him, eh?
14:46I wonder who that anonymous phone caller could have been, Dale.
14:49Yeah, well, I don't know.
14:50I don't think we're ever going to find that one out, are we, Rodney, eh?
14:53Well, come on.
14:54We must now say, ciao, men, eh?
14:56And let our men get on with their work, eh, Mr Tinsley?
15:00Do you think this anonymous person is likely to ring up any other Chinese restaurants
15:04and tell them to get their kitchens painted?
15:07I'd like to do something, didn't I?
15:08Otherwise, we'd have been lumbered with all this paint.
15:10Right, now, listen.
15:11I'm going to take these boxes with me, right?
15:14So, Rodney, you'll have to water that lot down a bit.
15:16Now, it's all right, it's all right,
15:18because you don't want to put it on too thick, do you?
15:20Because the plaster's none too kosher.
15:22Just remember, a little dab will do you.
15:24Right?
15:25A little dab will do you.
15:27Hey, what about all this grease and filth, Dale, boy?
15:30Have you arranged for anyone to clean it up?
15:32Of course I have.
15:33What do you think I am, a cowboy or something?
15:35I'll have Ajax and a rubber glove in that bucket.
15:38Go easy on the Ajax.
15:40See you.
15:47He's not in.
15:48Perhaps he's gone out.
15:50Oh, yeah, I never thought of that.
15:53Of course he's gone out.
15:55The question is where.
15:57This is the second day on the trot Dale's done a complete disappearing act.
16:01And when I asked him where he's gone, he always acts sort of evasive.
16:05I thought he told you to mind your own bloody business.
16:08Yeah, that's what I mean, evasive, you know.
16:11You know what I reckon?
16:13I reckon that while we've been imprisoned in that Chinese takeaway,
16:16he's been out and he's been wheeling and dealing on the quiet,
16:19making a few bob and cutting us out.
16:22Oh, you're in?
16:24You can't pull the wool over this boy's eyes, can you, eh, Grandad?
16:28Yes, I'm in, Rodney.
16:30Seven out of ten for observation.
16:32Did you finish that job?
16:33Yeah, about half, half that.
16:34Good, give us the money then.
16:36Come on, give us the Missoula.
16:38Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:41150 spot on, well done.
16:45We phoned you to come and pick us up, but you wasn't in.
16:48What you been up to, Dale?
16:50Oh, bits and pieces.
16:52Where you been?
16:53Here and back.
16:55So what you been doing?
16:56This and that.
16:58As long as I know.
17:00I thought you'd winkle it out of him in the end.
17:05Listen, Rodney, I've been doing something private, all right?
17:09So just leave it at that, OK?
17:11Now, I think the best thing we can do with this money
17:14is to split it three ways, OK?
17:17So here you are, Grandad.
17:19That's 35 for you.
17:20Oh, cheers, Dale.
17:2140 for you, Rodney.
17:2340?!
17:24Yeah, well, you're the craftsman, ain't ya?
17:26That's cos you're experienced.
17:27Yeah, but I'm an ace.
17:28Hang about, hang about.
17:30And you also get...
17:32Ha!
17:33Your diver's watch.
17:35Here you are.
17:36Hello.
17:37Somebody at the front door.
17:38Grandad, go and see who that is, will you?
17:39Oh, my legs are older than yours.
17:41I know, that means they've had more experience, haven't they?
17:47Would you like it, then?
17:49Yeah, cheers.
17:50Good.
17:51Oh, the bloke said don't get it in the water.
17:53Get it in the water?
17:55It's a deep-sea diver's watch.
17:57I know, Dad, but it doesn't mean to say
17:59you've got to go deep-sea diving in it, does it?
18:01I mean, I've got a pair of them desert boots,
18:03but you don't catch me in the Sahara.
18:05See, look at that.
18:06Tells you how deep you are.
18:07Everything.
18:08It's Trigger for you, Dale.
18:09Oh, yeah.
18:10Hello, Trigger.
18:11All right, Dale boy.
18:12Hello, Dave.
18:13What's up with you, then, Trigger?
18:14I've got some more of that paint.
18:15Interested?
18:16Ooh, yeah.
18:17Here, I'll have some of that.
18:19Yeah.
18:21Yeah, what is it?
18:22Same price or lower?
18:23Same.
18:24Hey, don't bang that watch.
18:25It ain't shockproof.
18:27I won't be getting any more of this for a while.
18:29I'm lying low for a spell.
18:30We almost got caught the other night.
18:35What do you mean, you almost got caught?
18:37Yeah, by the railway, please.
18:39See, me and Monkey Harris get this paint
18:41from a storage shed down in Clapham Junction.
18:46You swore to me it wasn't nicked.
18:48Bankrupt stock, you said.
18:50British Rail, same thing, eh?
18:54Knocked-off railway paint, eh?
18:56Well, I bet Mr Chin's going to be well pleased,
18:58when he finds he's had his old kitchen
19:00done out in intercity yellow.
19:02I prefer to call it away-day gold.
19:05I wonder where I've seen that colour before.
19:08All day long I was whistling,
19:10this is the age of the train.
19:12Why?
19:15No, this ain't the stuff they paint trains with.
19:18They use this for painting signs in tunnels.
19:20Yeah, it doesn't matter what they use it for, Trigg.
19:22It's still knocked off.
19:23It's still illegal.
19:25Yeah, but it's good for the country, Rodney, innit?
19:28Come on, Dale.
19:29How can nicking off British Rail be good for Britain?
19:33He amazes me, you know, Trigg.
19:35He's got a GCE in maths
19:36and he still acts like a total wally-brain.
19:39I'll tell you why this is good for the country, shall I, Rodney?
19:41Because British Rail will have to hire more security guards
19:44to protect this paint,
19:46thus lowering the unemployment figures.
19:49Plus, their insurance companies
19:51will need more people to handle British Rail's claims.
19:54That means redundant insurance clerks
19:56will be snatched from the dole queues
19:58and handed back their dignity.
20:01Right?
20:02Now, these people may very well celebrate their good fortune
20:06by buying a new car and taking a wife and kids
20:09on a touring holiday round Britain.
20:11This will result in a much-needed boost
20:13to our ailing car industry,
20:15higher revenue for North Sea oil
20:17and a vital cash injection into seaside resorts
20:20and depressed areas.
20:22On the other hand,
20:24they may decide to take a holiday abroad, right?
20:27Thus forcing foreign hoteliers, restauranteurs and bar owners
20:31to buy more British beer, food and goods.
20:33This will result in a higher export drive,
20:36which in turn will be very good for our balance-of-payments surplus.
20:39Soon this country will be rich and famous again.
20:41The starving shall be fed.
20:43The homeless will be homed.
20:47Really?
20:51This watch is broke.
20:56This watch is not broke.
20:58It's just that you don't know how to work it properly.
21:01It tells you the time in all the major capital cities of the world.
21:04Yeah, look, everyone except London.
21:06Look, all I can tell by this is
21:08it is nearly chucking out time in Peking
21:11and I am low on oxygen.
21:15What do you want for nothing? Jam on it?
21:19Tunnels.
21:20What did you say?
21:21No, he said that.
21:22What?
21:23Trigger said tunnels.
21:24He said they use that stuff to paint signs in tunnels.
21:28Well, how can you see a sign in a tunnel?
21:30It's black, isn't it?
21:32No, this is luminous paint.
21:35It's luminous, granddad.
21:36That means you can see in the luminous!
21:40Bloody luminous!
21:41What do you mean, old boy?
21:42What do you mean you thought I knew? You didn't tell me.
21:44What do you think I am, physic or something?
21:46Do you want this painting?
21:47Want it? No, I don't want it.
21:48You can stick it up your...
21:51I'm not in, granddad.
21:54Hello?
21:56Oh, hello, Mr Chin.
22:00No, no, Del's gone out.
22:03I'm not sure.
22:04Where you gone to, Del?
22:11Give it to me.
22:13The old git. Now sit down before I knock you down.
22:17Hello. Hello there, Mr Chin. How are you?
22:21Don't you hello, Mr Chin, me.
22:25What have you done to my wall?
22:34Glowing, are they?
22:36Mm-hm.
22:37Now listen, tell them not to be frightened,
22:39because this is new energy-saving paint we're using.
22:42It's designed to cut down on the old electricity bills.
22:45I get it from this contact in, um...
22:47Stockholm.
22:48Stockholm? Stockholm, oh, yeah.
22:50Yeah, cos you see, the Norwegians, they lead the world in paint technology.
22:55Yeah.
22:56Yes.
22:57Yes, I understand, right.
22:59Be round to see you first thing in the morning.
23:03Does he want his money back?
23:06No, he wants you to go round tomorrow and do out his living room in it.
23:10I'll have that other box of paint off you.
23:12Oh, my God!
23:13Something wrong, Dil?
23:15What have I done?
23:19It's all your fault.
23:21It's your fault, you and your stupid paint!
23:23Oi, what have you done?
23:24Oi, now listen, Rodney, now listen.
23:26Now, you've got to understand, right, that I did it in good faith.
23:29Did what in good faith?
23:32I'll show you.
23:39Come on, you'd better get your coats.
23:44Come on.
23:52Dil, what have you brought us here for?
23:54Wait a minute.
24:06Take a look at that.
24:07Take a look at that.
24:13Oh, my good God!
24:19Just where have you been for the past couple of days?
24:21Painting Mum's monument?
24:24It was her favourite colour and we both agreed it needed brightening up.
24:28It looks more like a rocket launch.
24:32Well, I didn't know it was going to be luminous, did I?
24:34Do you realise our Mum's grave is now going to become a beacon
24:37for every Satanist and acid head in England?
24:41There's going to be white witches dancing round that on a full moon.
24:44There's going to be chicken's blood everywhere.
24:47What worries me is it's on the main flight path to Heathrow.
24:55I wish you two could see yourselves.
24:58Here's Mum and her monument.
25:00She's fast asleep, the third coat's hardly dry
25:02and already a-quivering in your shoes.
25:05Well, I'll tell you this much.
25:06I don't regret that I did it.
25:08And I will not bow my head to any snotty-nosed town hall clerks
25:11and their narrow-minded rules.
25:13I shall look them straight in the face
25:15and I'll say I am the man that's responsible
25:17and I'm proud of it.
25:25We'll put it down to vandals.
25:27Let's get out of here before we get our collars felled.